So, a bit has happened in my life...I needed to start a new blog, unconnected to this one...if you are interested, it is called "DAY 2"
http://lisaday2.blogspot.com/
Thank you and Happy New Year...Day 2.
Saturday, January 2, 2016
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
Seven Years Later...I could never have imagined, going with the flow...
This afternoon I was seated with a new magazine entitled, flow Celebrating Creativity, Imperfection, and Life's Little Pleasures. That title pretty much sums up what I have been focusing on in my life. Going with the flow, living perfectly imperfect, making time to focus on my soul and how to create and be creative in my life; to live and smile regardless of circumstances.
Last Weekend, my goal was to post one last entry on my blog as I transition from my 30s to becoming 40. It hit me a bit harder than I thought it would...over-reflective on my past and current life. On my ride into work this morning, I smiled as I past a road that up until this past weekend, I never traveled on before. Now, a feeling of warmth, of love, filled me up inside, as I gazed out over the rolling green lush hills of the southern Wisconsin countryside.
Tomorrow, I will have been dating my "Bo" as someone spoke of him this week, for five months. As a birthday gift, this past weekend, he took me away for a night to a charming bed and breakfast on 92 acres of Wisconsin Countryside. It was the best 24 hour gift I could have ever asked for, as it provided us time away from life, together. After watching deer, wild birds and the end of the morning clouds roll away, we finished our organic pumpkin muffins and set out to hike on the trails, the first taking us down to a beautiful creek. Exploring the mid-September beauty of wild flowers, fresh deer tracks, Monarch butterflies and a few falling leaves among the scattered acorn's, it was just what my soul needed. Fresh air, being out in nature and to be able to enjoy it all with someone I love.
As I dove past that road this morning, it hit me, what day it was that we went away...the 13th of September. I then realized it was the first year I wasn't dwelling on the date, as it was 7 years ago on September 13th that our divorce papers were filed. Each year since, I have spend time focusing on that day, remembering it all in my head and wondering how it all got to that point. I was proud of myself today, as I have finally come to a point in my life where I didn't spend the day dwelling in the past. I am actually living in the present. I am so glad, proud, amazed, that this day has finally come. I have actually found someone who loves me for me, all of my quick, flaws, challenges of my past...he sees them and still chooses to love all of me, all that my life entails. He has found a way to get me to open up about my feelings, my worries, my thoughts that I try so hard to keep hidden from others, and wants to help me work through them, together.
Last night, as I attended the first of the new fall Life Group Sessions through his church, the host was reading through a intro for the year, some thoughts for us to refocus on as we enter a new time together to go through thoughts on the new series being preached on...it was during this time that something stuck, as I call it. He mentioned how it was important to care for our soul. How important it is to find/make time focusing on our soul and the relationship we have with God. Those words, the idea of tending to our soul, has been exactly what I have been working on since the first month of Soul School came out as an on-line class through The Brave Girls Club this summer. Making an art journal, which I had not known that art journals existed, let alone how well it would apply to my life, as well as creating truth cards to keep tucked in places where we can daily be reminded to refocus on what matters amongst the chaos of life. It was the concept of a truth card, as small note to remind us that we are human, we are imperfect and that we keep going anyway, is what matters...truth cards are what I created for close friends along with decorative wine glasses stating to Smile Beautiful Soul, for some close friends as we celebrated 40 years of smiling.
I feel inspired again to create, to write, to plan and the next step will be to dream into the future. But for today, I am staying in the present. My goal at the start of 2014, was to focus on the present and as of today, a week shy of the first day of autumn, I can finally say I have met that goal. Troubles, challenges, they have not left my life...as I am continuing on my second month without a penny of child support...and my children have begun two hour supervised visits with their father. Bills are piling up again and money is crazy tight, but instead of stressing about what I can not control in the present moment, things I can not change on my own, I am finally, at this moment on a sunny Wednesday, able to finally feel joy, love and hope regardless of it all I am blessed, loved, human with human challenges, but gaining a new sens of confidence to face the days ahead. I have grown and learned so much these past seven years. Much more than I could have ever imagined or desired too. I am 40 now, raising two amazing children, encompassed by the love and support of amazing friends, with the love of a man who truly know how to care about another and learning each day, even more about caring for my own soul. I am in a good place, not without challenges debt, pain and suffering, but inspire of it all.
Last Weekend, my goal was to post one last entry on my blog as I transition from my 30s to becoming 40. It hit me a bit harder than I thought it would...over-reflective on my past and current life. On my ride into work this morning, I smiled as I past a road that up until this past weekend, I never traveled on before. Now, a feeling of warmth, of love, filled me up inside, as I gazed out over the rolling green lush hills of the southern Wisconsin countryside.
Tomorrow, I will have been dating my "Bo" as someone spoke of him this week, for five months. As a birthday gift, this past weekend, he took me away for a night to a charming bed and breakfast on 92 acres of Wisconsin Countryside. It was the best 24 hour gift I could have ever asked for, as it provided us time away from life, together. After watching deer, wild birds and the end of the morning clouds roll away, we finished our organic pumpkin muffins and set out to hike on the trails, the first taking us down to a beautiful creek. Exploring the mid-September beauty of wild flowers, fresh deer tracks, Monarch butterflies and a few falling leaves among the scattered acorn's, it was just what my soul needed. Fresh air, being out in nature and to be able to enjoy it all with someone I love.
As I dove past that road this morning, it hit me, what day it was that we went away...the 13th of September. I then realized it was the first year I wasn't dwelling on the date, as it was 7 years ago on September 13th that our divorce papers were filed. Each year since, I have spend time focusing on that day, remembering it all in my head and wondering how it all got to that point. I was proud of myself today, as I have finally come to a point in my life where I didn't spend the day dwelling in the past. I am actually living in the present. I am so glad, proud, amazed, that this day has finally come. I have actually found someone who loves me for me, all of my quick, flaws, challenges of my past...he sees them and still chooses to love all of me, all that my life entails. He has found a way to get me to open up about my feelings, my worries, my thoughts that I try so hard to keep hidden from others, and wants to help me work through them, together.
Last night, as I attended the first of the new fall Life Group Sessions through his church, the host was reading through a intro for the year, some thoughts for us to refocus on as we enter a new time together to go through thoughts on the new series being preached on...it was during this time that something stuck, as I call it. He mentioned how it was important to care for our soul. How important it is to find/make time focusing on our soul and the relationship we have with God. Those words, the idea of tending to our soul, has been exactly what I have been working on since the first month of Soul School came out as an on-line class through The Brave Girls Club this summer. Making an art journal, which I had not known that art journals existed, let alone how well it would apply to my life, as well as creating truth cards to keep tucked in places where we can daily be reminded to refocus on what matters amongst the chaos of life. It was the concept of a truth card, as small note to remind us that we are human, we are imperfect and that we keep going anyway, is what matters...truth cards are what I created for close friends along with decorative wine glasses stating to Smile Beautiful Soul, for some close friends as we celebrated 40 years of smiling.
I feel inspired again to create, to write, to plan and the next step will be to dream into the future. But for today, I am staying in the present. My goal at the start of 2014, was to focus on the present and as of today, a week shy of the first day of autumn, I can finally say I have met that goal. Troubles, challenges, they have not left my life...as I am continuing on my second month without a penny of child support...and my children have begun two hour supervised visits with their father. Bills are piling up again and money is crazy tight, but instead of stressing about what I can not control in the present moment, things I can not change on my own, I am finally, at this moment on a sunny Wednesday, able to finally feel joy, love and hope regardless of it all I am blessed, loved, human with human challenges, but gaining a new sens of confidence to face the days ahead. I have grown and learned so much these past seven years. Much more than I could have ever imagined or desired too. I am 40 now, raising two amazing children, encompassed by the love and support of amazing friends, with the love of a man who truly know how to care about another and learning each day, even more about caring for my own soul. I am in a good place, not without challenges debt, pain and suffering, but inspire of it all.
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
Perspective, Perseverance, Prayer
Perspective, perseverance, prayer...all things I have been reflecting on for the past three hours that I have been laying awake in my bed. One of the last things I asked my friend on the phone tonight, before we hung up to go to sleep, was a question I often ask myself, not coming up with an answer yet. As I lay in bed, on the wall nearest to me, is a sign, one that I was gifted as I was quickly achieving my title as District Manager in Arbonne last fall, "Believe in the Journey of Your Dreams" and on another place, I have the quote, "Live the Life You Imagined" which I read aloud to him. Then I asked him, "What is the life you imagined?" Not the question he probably expected on our evening goodnight phone call, but after two and a half months he knows I am full of unexpected, usually good I think. He explained a similar version of where he'd like to live someday, looking out on water, with a dog near by and a garden in the yard...a studio to work on his music...Of course he had to ask me the same, to which I said I don't know, which is why I asked him. I said when I was young, I wanted to become an author or an artist, I continued pointing out that I could kick myself for sitting around depressed about aspects of my life today instead of using the time at home to write or be daring and get out some art supplies...although I know it's not that easy. To create, whether through words, paint, charcoal pencils, or whathaveyou, you need to be inspired, motivated, excited about something.
Instead, I spent today spending too much time reflecting on why things happen as they do. Why, when one is filled with blessings, their mind focuses back on the few negatives in their life. I suppose, it is because we want to be in control of our lives and when there are crucial aspects we lose control over, we can't help but sink into a state of concern.
A week ago, was when I finally emailed, asking what I did not want to know, was the reason I did not receive child support the past two weeks because my ex had again lost his job. Ignorance is bliss, I have said and learned time and time again...hoping he had switched to a new job or something else had happened. Not only did I hear the news that he had a month ago, but separately from that received a message from my lawyer, unaware yet of the news, that I was to either agree that my ex gains supervised visits starting next (this) week with his mother as the supervisor, or we go back to court again. My stomach sunk, and I went to pick up my daughter and try to put on a positive face, as I was still trying to uphold from being around my son that morning at home. Soon, the lawyer was copied on the message that he had lost his job and my kids are again without insurance as well as I am without child support. As of tonight as I can't sleep, I have not heard back as to what happens next, as I stated I wanted to know WHY he lost his job before agreeing to anything else. Was it drugs/alcohol as it was the last time? If so I certainly hope they don't expect me to trust him with the kids again.
Persevere I did, as we had over 50 friends coming to our Patriotic Party this past Saturday evening. My kids were so excited to be having the party and I just kept praying there would not be rain, as I had forgot to mention a rain date on the invites.
It was a little over a month prior, that I was sharing with my new friend, about how I had thrown these family Patriotic Parties each year, from the year my daughter was born up until the divorce, which I had realized had been seven years ago now. After six years of hosting, I still had a Rubbermaid tote filled with decorations and decided, why not try it again, then my new friend could see what it was like. Earlier in the day, my mom had seen me a bit frazzled after mowing the lawn, setting up games and decorations and questioned why I do this to myself. I told her with a bit of anger at the time, because it's fun! Knowing how silly I probably sounded at the time, I later thought more about this and know the real answer is all the smiles on the faces of my kids, their friends and their parents faces. That is why I wanted to throw the party again.
We had no rain, a wonderful turn out and a great time, only I felt a little bad that my friend wasn't able to make it until the last part due work and his teenage daughter's new job, but he kindly helped me clean up everything outside and said how bad he felt after seeing all the pictures I had taken. I realize it wasn't his fault but still felt bad. That seems to be how I have felt since the end of the party, a bit down, depressed and stuck worried that the rest of this summer/year will turn out like last summer. Unable to afford gas to go places, not having enough money to pay the bills. How can one live the live of their dreams when they never dreamed their life would be like this.
Perspective. This morning when I woke up, I received an extremely caring text from my friend, stating "One month ago from today someone celebrated my birthday with me and for the first time the day started to feel special again. Oh, of course I denied it. I didn't want my hopes to get crushed again. But because of YOU, I felt special. Thank you so much again! I love you!"
I am loved. Not just by my two children who seem to see me in a different light, with more respect (especially from my soon to be teenage daughter), not just by my friends and family, but by a man who wants to share his life with me. He knows about the lawyer battles about the lack of funds in my checking account, but doesn't care and reminds me that he will be with me through these challenges and all the others life will throw in our way. When we walked around in the dark, cleaning up streamers, decorations, toys, he told me I was beautiful again and I just laughed at him, knowing how crazy exhausted I was, how tired and old I felt and he reminded me, beauty is not just on the outside Lisa, although yes, even exhausted you are beautiful to me.
It is hard to feel strong, sexy (ha)...attractive?, beautiful when you don't feel confident in life. I keep trying to tell myself this too shall pass, but I want to be in control, to know I can pay the bills, to know my kids will be okay, to know I am doing things right. I know to be loved, you need to first love yourself and I am having a harder time doing that right now, but hopefully I will figure out how. Apparently not at 4AM, but somehow my self-confidence will return. I hope.
I am blessed, I have my health (well as far as I know until my physical later this month, but lets stick with the ignorance is bliss a bit longer here), I am loved, I have a roof over my head, food to eat for now, a job I love, and deep down hope that things will be okay...I just have to remember that I am not in control, God is and I have to remember to keep my faith in his hands. Prayer. I must trust in my prayers, that these challenges too shall pass.
Instead, I spent today spending too much time reflecting on why things happen as they do. Why, when one is filled with blessings, their mind focuses back on the few negatives in their life. I suppose, it is because we want to be in control of our lives and when there are crucial aspects we lose control over, we can't help but sink into a state of concern.
A week ago, was when I finally emailed, asking what I did not want to know, was the reason I did not receive child support the past two weeks because my ex had again lost his job. Ignorance is bliss, I have said and learned time and time again...hoping he had switched to a new job or something else had happened. Not only did I hear the news that he had a month ago, but separately from that received a message from my lawyer, unaware yet of the news, that I was to either agree that my ex gains supervised visits starting next (this) week with his mother as the supervisor, or we go back to court again. My stomach sunk, and I went to pick up my daughter and try to put on a positive face, as I was still trying to uphold from being around my son that morning at home. Soon, the lawyer was copied on the message that he had lost his job and my kids are again without insurance as well as I am without child support. As of tonight as I can't sleep, I have not heard back as to what happens next, as I stated I wanted to know WHY he lost his job before agreeing to anything else. Was it drugs/alcohol as it was the last time? If so I certainly hope they don't expect me to trust him with the kids again.
Persevere I did, as we had over 50 friends coming to our Patriotic Party this past Saturday evening. My kids were so excited to be having the party and I just kept praying there would not be rain, as I had forgot to mention a rain date on the invites.
It was a little over a month prior, that I was sharing with my new friend, about how I had thrown these family Patriotic Parties each year, from the year my daughter was born up until the divorce, which I had realized had been seven years ago now. After six years of hosting, I still had a Rubbermaid tote filled with decorations and decided, why not try it again, then my new friend could see what it was like. Earlier in the day, my mom had seen me a bit frazzled after mowing the lawn, setting up games and decorations and questioned why I do this to myself. I told her with a bit of anger at the time, because it's fun! Knowing how silly I probably sounded at the time, I later thought more about this and know the real answer is all the smiles on the faces of my kids, their friends and their parents faces. That is why I wanted to throw the party again.
We had no rain, a wonderful turn out and a great time, only I felt a little bad that my friend wasn't able to make it until the last part due work and his teenage daughter's new job, but he kindly helped me clean up everything outside and said how bad he felt after seeing all the pictures I had taken. I realize it wasn't his fault but still felt bad. That seems to be how I have felt since the end of the party, a bit down, depressed and stuck worried that the rest of this summer/year will turn out like last summer. Unable to afford gas to go places, not having enough money to pay the bills. How can one live the live of their dreams when they never dreamed their life would be like this.
Perspective. This morning when I woke up, I received an extremely caring text from my friend, stating "One month ago from today someone celebrated my birthday with me and for the first time the day started to feel special again. Oh, of course I denied it. I didn't want my hopes to get crushed again. But because of YOU, I felt special. Thank you so much again! I love you!"
I am loved. Not just by my two children who seem to see me in a different light, with more respect (especially from my soon to be teenage daughter), not just by my friends and family, but by a man who wants to share his life with me. He knows about the lawyer battles about the lack of funds in my checking account, but doesn't care and reminds me that he will be with me through these challenges and all the others life will throw in our way. When we walked around in the dark, cleaning up streamers, decorations, toys, he told me I was beautiful again and I just laughed at him, knowing how crazy exhausted I was, how tired and old I felt and he reminded me, beauty is not just on the outside Lisa, although yes, even exhausted you are beautiful to me.
It is hard to feel strong, sexy (ha)...attractive?, beautiful when you don't feel confident in life. I keep trying to tell myself this too shall pass, but I want to be in control, to know I can pay the bills, to know my kids will be okay, to know I am doing things right. I know to be loved, you need to first love yourself and I am having a harder time doing that right now, but hopefully I will figure out how. Apparently not at 4AM, but somehow my self-confidence will return. I hope.
I am blessed, I have my health (well as far as I know until my physical later this month, but lets stick with the ignorance is bliss a bit longer here), I am loved, I have a roof over my head, food to eat for now, a job I love, and deep down hope that things will be okay...I just have to remember that I am not in control, God is and I have to remember to keep my faith in his hands. Prayer. I must trust in my prayers, that these challenges too shall pass.
Saturday, March 8, 2014
Present
When 2014 began, I decided not to make any resolutions, as all the news/talk shows as well as posts online, stated most resolutions are broken with in a matter of so many days. At this time, I did read or hear about the idea of having a world/concept to focus on for the year and this stuck. So I narrowed it down to hope, patience and present. When telling a couple people about this and trying to figure out what would be the best word, I found it funny that others thought I was already filled with more patience than anyone they knew, funny as I don't view myself that way.
I decided on present. This year I am going to focus on being in the present. Not worrying about the past, scared of the future, but enjoying and having gratitude each day for what I currently have and where I currently am.
Last Friday, a week ago, after heading back to court, yes my ex husband got a job at the start of the year and now feels he should therefore have placement of the kids again...after I made it through, as I say, I found myself taken to somewhere and someone I needed to be. It really isn't that far to my hometown, just the outside of the opposite side of Madison, but yet I don't really have a reason to go back anymore. Although, a store I have loved for years, I am friends with the owner, or rather my sister grew up as a best friend with the owners daughter I should say, was having a sale on Life Is Good products, which he daughter knew I loved and messaged me on Facebook about it. I decided to make the small trek after court, not just for the sale, but because I knew the owner also when through a divorce/placement/etc when her children were young, yet is now happily married, extremely successful in life and filled with joy. I needed some words of wisdom from her.
Speaking with her, or rather listening to her, I was reminded of a few things I knew, but had recently forgot or had been ignoring. As we spoke I was reminded that life/all the stress/ it may be piling on me again/at times, but I have the choice to physically step back from it and say it is not me. I can choose how I react and what I react too. I was proud I didn't react or make any eye contact with my ex in court as I know he was sure trying to rattle me. I did not choose not to let the past month of nerves get to me though. As we talking I pointed out how I really felt I was doing well in the fall, feeling more self-confident, secure about myself, my parenting, the track my life was on, but I am not there anymore. She reminded also reminded me that I am where I need to be, we all are. Everything happens for a reason, yes we have free will to react to things, but we are at a given point of life and it's a good thing. I agreed, as much as I felt awful that my ex is in as rough of shape as he is, I could not have fixed that or stopped him from making the choices he has. I also am not sorry that he was in my life in the past as I would never have had my two amazing children, nor would I have grown as much as I have over the past almost seven years. I guess I needed to be reminded about that.
So now, in the present, I also spoke to her about the fact that my daughter wanted me to start dating/questions when I was ever going to date, back in December. Then during the first week of the New Year, we were home on a 'cold day' from school watch the morning news or Today Show and they had a piece on Match.com, explaining how at a certain time that night, would be the prime opportunity to meet someone new. My daughter shouted out to me, "Mom you have to do this! You have to go on Match so you can meet and marry someone and we can have a dad!" Ouch, wow, that hit me out of left field. My son was also in the room and at first got upset, explaining he didn't want to get rid of dad and never see him again. I made it quite clear that IF I ever started dating and IF I ever got married again, that man would be a "bonus dad" as a good friend of mine once taught me. You will always have your dad, no one will ever take him away as your dad, I explained, but anyone new would be a bonus, or an extra dad to have around, spend time with, play with, etc. After some thought he really liked the idea too. I wasn't so sure though and it wasn't until the next time that I got myself to get on Match, created a simple profile and sign up for a week for free.
That week was well, a great builder of self-esteem. As the email one week later from match.com pointed out, "You've had a great week!" Listing off the winks, likes of my pictures/profiles and messages I had received. I did start responding with one man, who I met for lunch the next week and discovered what he meant by meeting to see if there is a "Spark" there, as he had plenty of fun messages/texts with women to find out there wasn't a spark. Well, there wasn't for us either, but at least it got me to respond to another person, this man I ended up dating until lasessaging/talking with him each day, but this last weekend when I was with him in person again, it's just wasn't there, that spark. As the close people in my life pointed out, he may be sweet and wonderful with your kids, but you need to be physically and emotionally attracted to the man too. If you just date to find someone for your kids, when they have left the house, then what? I understood and understood I needed to be honest about my feelings with him, but I also realized I had never had to tell someone that it just wasn't going to work out. As nervous as I was, I was just as relieved after I had done it. I hope I don't have to do that again.
During the time we were dating, I also was receiving messages, winks/etc. from others on Match and didn't feel it was right to answer them, as I don't feel right dating more than one man at a time, but this past week, I did start messaging with a new friend. My lesson/goal from the past month or so is that I need to enjoy each day, not introduce the kids until I know that "Spark" is there for awhile and be in the present. One of the key things that stuck last Friday was when she said that a relationship, should be easy, not that there aren't challenges you need to deal with as a couple, but especially at the the start, it should feel easy, natural, you should have to work at it. It didn't feel that way with the last one, so we will see how the next goes. Another friend pointed out that when you are dating a man, he should make your toes girl, you should be excited about seeing him, being with him and as much as I was hoping that would be the case this past time, as it was when we texted/spoke, in person, as much as I wanted it too, it didn't happen. The comment yesterday that made me feel good was a reminder that at least I got myself back out there, I am not giving up on dating (as I had for over 2 years now) and that there apparentently (I added that word) are other men out there interested in me.
So this year, I am enjoying the present. Not worrying about out the new Gardian at Litem study goes over the next few months, not worrying about having a new lawyer (which went better than I thought after only meeting her a week and a half before our court date) and not worrying if the new guy I am having a great time getting to know turns out to be "the one". I am just enjoying the present, each day and I am greatful for the gifts it brings me (as well as the lessons).
I decided on present. This year I am going to focus on being in the present. Not worrying about the past, scared of the future, but enjoying and having gratitude each day for what I currently have and where I currently am.
Last Friday, a week ago, after heading back to court, yes my ex husband got a job at the start of the year and now feels he should therefore have placement of the kids again...after I made it through, as I say, I found myself taken to somewhere and someone I needed to be. It really isn't that far to my hometown, just the outside of the opposite side of Madison, but yet I don't really have a reason to go back anymore. Although, a store I have loved for years, I am friends with the owner, or rather my sister grew up as a best friend with the owners daughter I should say, was having a sale on Life Is Good products, which he daughter knew I loved and messaged me on Facebook about it. I decided to make the small trek after court, not just for the sale, but because I knew the owner also when through a divorce/placement/etc when her children were young, yet is now happily married, extremely successful in life and filled with joy. I needed some words of wisdom from her.
Speaking with her, or rather listening to her, I was reminded of a few things I knew, but had recently forgot or had been ignoring. As we spoke I was reminded that life/all the stress/ it may be piling on me again/at times, but I have the choice to physically step back from it and say it is not me. I can choose how I react and what I react too. I was proud I didn't react or make any eye contact with my ex in court as I know he was sure trying to rattle me. I did not choose not to let the past month of nerves get to me though. As we talking I pointed out how I really felt I was doing well in the fall, feeling more self-confident, secure about myself, my parenting, the track my life was on, but I am not there anymore. She reminded also reminded me that I am where I need to be, we all are. Everything happens for a reason, yes we have free will to react to things, but we are at a given point of life and it's a good thing. I agreed, as much as I felt awful that my ex is in as rough of shape as he is, I could not have fixed that or stopped him from making the choices he has. I also am not sorry that he was in my life in the past as I would never have had my two amazing children, nor would I have grown as much as I have over the past almost seven years. I guess I needed to be reminded about that.
So now, in the present, I also spoke to her about the fact that my daughter wanted me to start dating/questions when I was ever going to date, back in December. Then during the first week of the New Year, we were home on a 'cold day' from school watch the morning news or Today Show and they had a piece on Match.com, explaining how at a certain time that night, would be the prime opportunity to meet someone new. My daughter shouted out to me, "Mom you have to do this! You have to go on Match so you can meet and marry someone and we can have a dad!" Ouch, wow, that hit me out of left field. My son was also in the room and at first got upset, explaining he didn't want to get rid of dad and never see him again. I made it quite clear that IF I ever started dating and IF I ever got married again, that man would be a "bonus dad" as a good friend of mine once taught me. You will always have your dad, no one will ever take him away as your dad, I explained, but anyone new would be a bonus, or an extra dad to have around, spend time with, play with, etc. After some thought he really liked the idea too. I wasn't so sure though and it wasn't until the next time that I got myself to get on Match, created a simple profile and sign up for a week for free.
That week was well, a great builder of self-esteem. As the email one week later from match.com pointed out, "You've had a great week!" Listing off the winks, likes of my pictures/profiles and messages I had received. I did start responding with one man, who I met for lunch the next week and discovered what he meant by meeting to see if there is a "Spark" there, as he had plenty of fun messages/texts with women to find out there wasn't a spark. Well, there wasn't for us either, but at least it got me to respond to another person, this man I ended up dating until lasessaging/talking with him each day, but this last weekend when I was with him in person again, it's just wasn't there, that spark. As the close people in my life pointed out, he may be sweet and wonderful with your kids, but you need to be physically and emotionally attracted to the man too. If you just date to find someone for your kids, when they have left the house, then what? I understood and understood I needed to be honest about my feelings with him, but I also realized I had never had to tell someone that it just wasn't going to work out. As nervous as I was, I was just as relieved after I had done it. I hope I don't have to do that again.
During the time we were dating, I also was receiving messages, winks/etc. from others on Match and didn't feel it was right to answer them, as I don't feel right dating more than one man at a time, but this past week, I did start messaging with a new friend. My lesson/goal from the past month or so is that I need to enjoy each day, not introduce the kids until I know that "Spark" is there for awhile and be in the present. One of the key things that stuck last Friday was when she said that a relationship, should be easy, not that there aren't challenges you need to deal with as a couple, but especially at the the start, it should feel easy, natural, you should have to work at it. It didn't feel that way with the last one, so we will see how the next goes. Another friend pointed out that when you are dating a man, he should make your toes girl, you should be excited about seeing him, being with him and as much as I was hoping that would be the case this past time, as it was when we texted/spoke, in person, as much as I wanted it too, it didn't happen. The comment yesterday that made me feel good was a reminder that at least I got myself back out there, I am not giving up on dating (as I had for over 2 years now) and that there apparentently (I added that word) are other men out there interested in me.
So this year, I am enjoying the present. Not worrying about out the new Gardian at Litem study goes over the next few months, not worrying about having a new lawyer (which went better than I thought after only meeting her a week and a half before our court date) and not worrying if the new guy I am having a great time getting to know turns out to be "the one". I am just enjoying the present, each day and I am greatful for the gifts it brings me (as well as the lessons).
Monday, December 16, 2013
What do you want to be when you grow up?
What do you want to be when you grow up? I remember being asked this question many times over the years. An author, I think was my first plan, I wanted to be famous and help people through my stories, but I didn't want to be rock-star or TV-star famous because, I remember thinking, then I'd have to spend too much time away from my family. A mom, to have a family, that has always ranked right up there from before I can remember. An artist had crossed my mind, but I remember the exact fear that came with that. I recall sitting in the high school guidance conselor's office, as he was commenting on how creative I was, I pointed out, that I can't count on that...how can I be sure when I wake up tomorrow I will still be creative? It's a valid thought I still have at times today.
I went to college, as it was just expected in our home, undeclared as I really wasn't sure. I remember I took an intro to social work course, world religion class, drawing, and a few others that first semester. Many people from my high school were convince I was going to be a teacher, but I wasn't sure that was what I wanted to do...my mom was a teacher and she made it clear that I shouldn't go into the field...as she would tell others later on...I warned her! But the personality tests all pointed me in that direction. I remember thinking my high school art teacher was funny to suggest teaching art to young children, how great I would be at it. I was convinced I'd never be talented enough to do that.
So I made it through college, graduated with a double major in elementary education and art education. Not even a week out of school, I was blessed with my first teaching job. I taught in the classroom for 5 years until my daughter was born and then returned part time the following year. I felt like an awful mother not be a full time, stay-at-home mom, as my mother had done during my first years, especially since my husband at the time made more than enough for me to stay at home. So after that year, I took a year leave and ended up remaining at home. Well, those who knew me or know me now, know that I could sit still around the house for long. I spent time planning holiday parties for other children ranging from Luau's, Easter Egg Hunts, May Day/May Pole Parties and more. I had clipped and save Family Fun Magazine ideas from my college days and had a binder full of ideas to use. Our basement was an interactive playroom and my life/world revolved around my kids...until divorceland hit.
When I was faced with having to go back to work, what would I do? I had a kindergartener and a three year old child. I couldn't imagine going back to teaching full time and not seeing them...not to mention all the time I would have had to take off for court dates over that almost two years it took for the divorce. I was blessed to be offered a part time job at a church I had just started attending and ironically, the Pastor I had been speaking a bit with about my divorce was overseeing the children ministry at the time. I began at 15 hours, overseeing a birth-three ministry which I could bring my son with most of the time, while I worked. Soon, they asked me to take on additional roles, bringing me up to enough hours for me to qualify for insurance by the time my divorce was finally finalized.
Since I began my work at church, I did apply for a few different full time teaching jobs, back in the public schools, but apparently it was not the place I was meant to be. Not to mention how much teaching has changed in the past 10 years since I left it.
So, this past year, when I could no longer count on my child support to make ends meet along with my job, I started going back to that question. What do you want to be when you grow up?
It's apparently a common questions for people in their 30s/40s as I have heard many others recently asking themselves the same thing. Maybe it is a group of us who did leave one career to take care of young children...or just getting to a point in our lives that we are thinking we are ready for a change.
Ha, change. There is that word again. It's amazing how things change isn't it. I haven't blogged for awhile now, as change isn't always easy to write about. Last time I wrote, seeing my ex, not even looking like himself. It still is hard to think about. Since then, my parents surprised the kids and I and took us (well, technically my sister's frequent flyer miles took us) to Florida, to Disney and LEGOLAND, not to mention a chance to see the ocean, as my sister was sent their to work for six months.
I haven't typed, as I didn't realize how much the trip would impact me emotionally. As a child, heck, even in college and when I first became a teacher, I was always know as one of the biggest Disney fans. I drew images of Mickey back when I first learned how to draw...I went to Disney with my parents and sister four times growing up, if you include the last trip when I was in college and I think my sister was a senior or junior in high school. I remember fantasizing how I would get married in Disney someday or at least have our honeymoon there. My family was doing quit well at this point, financially, and we spent part of our stay at the Grand Floridian hotel...one of the fanciest ones there. I remember the amazing plush robes, the individual beach cabanas...
I went again after my husband and I were first married...he had to go to the area for work and we went a weekend early so we could go to Disney for a couple days and I still a dreamer, a believer in the Disney Magic...beaming that one day we'd be bringing our children here....
Well, my daughter did go to the Magic Kingdom, as we flew to Florida one year when my parents were staying in a time-share and my daughter was about 3, in the height of believing in all the Disney Princesses...my son, only about 6 months old, spent the day with my parents, while my ex-husband and I took my daughter to the Magic Kingdom for a day. The pictures, the scrapbook...it will take me right back to her beaming smiles at the Princess dinner, the fireworks lighting up in her eyes.
After my divorce, I never imagined I'd go back. The magic, the believing in happily ever after...after what all happened in my world, my 'Disney Magic", well, it's just not there anymore. When my parents called and said they wanted to take my kids to Disney, and if I could make it work, I could come too (that's another story for another time)...I was in an odd mix of emotion. I didn't know if I wanted to go relieve those memories, to go to what is suppose to be a place where dreams come true, while my dreams have felt far from it. Not having enough money to pay the bills...not even getting the unemployment child support checks I had to the past few months and with the holidays coming up. I didn't know what to say, other than, I can't afford to go. They knew this and said they see if they could make it work. Well, they did and we went. The kids, of course, loved the trip. I loved seeing the kids full of joy. It was exhausting, as four parks of Disney in two days sure are, but still a good thing too. I made it. I made it into the Grand Floridian, as my parents wanted to show the kids where we once stayed and watched fireworks while eating ice cream from a table outside. I was filled such mixed emotions...watching all those around me...so many people with so much money. Sometimes I just don't understand how our world works.
How do some people live Disney lives? I realize we all have problems...but how is it one goes from The Grand Floridian, to not enough to buy McDonald's or Culver's some weeks. It's not that I overspent or mis-spent money. When you have went through a year, or even just a few months not having enough money for gas or food to get through a week, you wonder why things work the way they do.
I sat here tonight, watching a movie on TV, thinking how blessed I am to have a TV, a heated home, gifts to give my children now for Christmas...things I wasn't sure I'd have not long ago and wonder why? My daughter, now in Middle School, questions why I don't have a job that pays more money...so we can go on vacations, or buy iPods and such. I don't know exactly what that job would be anyway. Surely going back to teaching wouldn't do it. Currently, working 40 hours at church, tutoring twice a week and working on getting my Arbonne business, that's not enough either. I know, dedication, determination...but why do others make the money they do? What am I missing out on?
I am blessed, that with my current job situation, I can be here for my children and that is most important to me right now. Trying to be two parents...well no, trying to be the best one parent I can be for them...be there to help my son with homework....to listen to my daughter when she's willing to talk about her day at school. To know who their friends are, their interests, their fears and their joys. That is worth more than vacations or owning our home anymore. But some days, not to be self-ish, but I just have to question why doesn't the finical part have to be so hard. Am I missing something?
I have been so blessed the past few weeks, with Christmas Cards, generous gifts, one anonymous, so that I could get gifts for my children. I realize I have a hard time accepting the fact that I cant' do it all. I can't give my kids all that I want to right now it life. I selfishly would have loved to take my kids to Disney or anywhere for that matter, on a trip with my own funds, but reality is, I guess, right now it's not an option. So I made the best of what we did. I sucked up my pride, sat in the back seat of my parents Buick as we rode to the airport. A week or two ago, I again, almost cried as I saw the money along with an amazing letter, letting me know how my light shines on so many others, giving them hope and filling the lives of so many children with joy. I have that right by my bed so I can see it every day. When I feel like I am not doing what I am suppose to be in life, not making tons of money, not finding the man I should marry...I look at that letter and am reminded, apparently I am doing something right.
When asked, what do you want to be when you grow up? No one ever answers and I never dreamed I 'd say, "A single mom, without child support, trying to make ends meet." I was convinced I would live the Disney Fairytale...grow up and get married, have children and live happily ever after. Well, maybe I wasn't dealt that hand, but at least I am making the best life I can with the current cards that have been given to me.
I went to college, as it was just expected in our home, undeclared as I really wasn't sure. I remember I took an intro to social work course, world religion class, drawing, and a few others that first semester. Many people from my high school were convince I was going to be a teacher, but I wasn't sure that was what I wanted to do...my mom was a teacher and she made it clear that I shouldn't go into the field...as she would tell others later on...I warned her! But the personality tests all pointed me in that direction. I remember thinking my high school art teacher was funny to suggest teaching art to young children, how great I would be at it. I was convinced I'd never be talented enough to do that.
So I made it through college, graduated with a double major in elementary education and art education. Not even a week out of school, I was blessed with my first teaching job. I taught in the classroom for 5 years until my daughter was born and then returned part time the following year. I felt like an awful mother not be a full time, stay-at-home mom, as my mother had done during my first years, especially since my husband at the time made more than enough for me to stay at home. So after that year, I took a year leave and ended up remaining at home. Well, those who knew me or know me now, know that I could sit still around the house for long. I spent time planning holiday parties for other children ranging from Luau's, Easter Egg Hunts, May Day/May Pole Parties and more. I had clipped and save Family Fun Magazine ideas from my college days and had a binder full of ideas to use. Our basement was an interactive playroom and my life/world revolved around my kids...until divorceland hit.
When I was faced with having to go back to work, what would I do? I had a kindergartener and a three year old child. I couldn't imagine going back to teaching full time and not seeing them...not to mention all the time I would have had to take off for court dates over that almost two years it took for the divorce. I was blessed to be offered a part time job at a church I had just started attending and ironically, the Pastor I had been speaking a bit with about my divorce was overseeing the children ministry at the time. I began at 15 hours, overseeing a birth-three ministry which I could bring my son with most of the time, while I worked. Soon, they asked me to take on additional roles, bringing me up to enough hours for me to qualify for insurance by the time my divorce was finally finalized.
Since I began my work at church, I did apply for a few different full time teaching jobs, back in the public schools, but apparently it was not the place I was meant to be. Not to mention how much teaching has changed in the past 10 years since I left it.
So, this past year, when I could no longer count on my child support to make ends meet along with my job, I started going back to that question. What do you want to be when you grow up?
It's apparently a common questions for people in their 30s/40s as I have heard many others recently asking themselves the same thing. Maybe it is a group of us who did leave one career to take care of young children...or just getting to a point in our lives that we are thinking we are ready for a change.
Ha, change. There is that word again. It's amazing how things change isn't it. I haven't blogged for awhile now, as change isn't always easy to write about. Last time I wrote, seeing my ex, not even looking like himself. It still is hard to think about. Since then, my parents surprised the kids and I and took us (well, technically my sister's frequent flyer miles took us) to Florida, to Disney and LEGOLAND, not to mention a chance to see the ocean, as my sister was sent their to work for six months.
I haven't typed, as I didn't realize how much the trip would impact me emotionally. As a child, heck, even in college and when I first became a teacher, I was always know as one of the biggest Disney fans. I drew images of Mickey back when I first learned how to draw...I went to Disney with my parents and sister four times growing up, if you include the last trip when I was in college and I think my sister was a senior or junior in high school. I remember fantasizing how I would get married in Disney someday or at least have our honeymoon there. My family was doing quit well at this point, financially, and we spent part of our stay at the Grand Floridian hotel...one of the fanciest ones there. I remember the amazing plush robes, the individual beach cabanas...
I went again after my husband and I were first married...he had to go to the area for work and we went a weekend early so we could go to Disney for a couple days and I still a dreamer, a believer in the Disney Magic...beaming that one day we'd be bringing our children here....
Well, my daughter did go to the Magic Kingdom, as we flew to Florida one year when my parents were staying in a time-share and my daughter was about 3, in the height of believing in all the Disney Princesses...my son, only about 6 months old, spent the day with my parents, while my ex-husband and I took my daughter to the Magic Kingdom for a day. The pictures, the scrapbook...it will take me right back to her beaming smiles at the Princess dinner, the fireworks lighting up in her eyes.
After my divorce, I never imagined I'd go back. The magic, the believing in happily ever after...after what all happened in my world, my 'Disney Magic", well, it's just not there anymore. When my parents called and said they wanted to take my kids to Disney, and if I could make it work, I could come too (that's another story for another time)...I was in an odd mix of emotion. I didn't know if I wanted to go relieve those memories, to go to what is suppose to be a place where dreams come true, while my dreams have felt far from it. Not having enough money to pay the bills...not even getting the unemployment child support checks I had to the past few months and with the holidays coming up. I didn't know what to say, other than, I can't afford to go. They knew this and said they see if they could make it work. Well, they did and we went. The kids, of course, loved the trip. I loved seeing the kids full of joy. It was exhausting, as four parks of Disney in two days sure are, but still a good thing too. I made it. I made it into the Grand Floridian, as my parents wanted to show the kids where we once stayed and watched fireworks while eating ice cream from a table outside. I was filled such mixed emotions...watching all those around me...so many people with so much money. Sometimes I just don't understand how our world works.
How do some people live Disney lives? I realize we all have problems...but how is it one goes from The Grand Floridian, to not enough to buy McDonald's or Culver's some weeks. It's not that I overspent or mis-spent money. When you have went through a year, or even just a few months not having enough money for gas or food to get through a week, you wonder why things work the way they do.
I sat here tonight, watching a movie on TV, thinking how blessed I am to have a TV, a heated home, gifts to give my children now for Christmas...things I wasn't sure I'd have not long ago and wonder why? My daughter, now in Middle School, questions why I don't have a job that pays more money...so we can go on vacations, or buy iPods and such. I don't know exactly what that job would be anyway. Surely going back to teaching wouldn't do it. Currently, working 40 hours at church, tutoring twice a week and working on getting my Arbonne business, that's not enough either. I know, dedication, determination...but why do others make the money they do? What am I missing out on?
I am blessed, that with my current job situation, I can be here for my children and that is most important to me right now. Trying to be two parents...well no, trying to be the best one parent I can be for them...be there to help my son with homework....to listen to my daughter when she's willing to talk about her day at school. To know who their friends are, their interests, their fears and their joys. That is worth more than vacations or owning our home anymore. But some days, not to be self-ish, but I just have to question why doesn't the finical part have to be so hard. Am I missing something?
I have been so blessed the past few weeks, with Christmas Cards, generous gifts, one anonymous, so that I could get gifts for my children. I realize I have a hard time accepting the fact that I cant' do it all. I can't give my kids all that I want to right now it life. I selfishly would have loved to take my kids to Disney or anywhere for that matter, on a trip with my own funds, but reality is, I guess, right now it's not an option. So I made the best of what we did. I sucked up my pride, sat in the back seat of my parents Buick as we rode to the airport. A week or two ago, I again, almost cried as I saw the money along with an amazing letter, letting me know how my light shines on so many others, giving them hope and filling the lives of so many children with joy. I have that right by my bed so I can see it every day. When I feel like I am not doing what I am suppose to be in life, not making tons of money, not finding the man I should marry...I look at that letter and am reminded, apparently I am doing something right.
When asked, what do you want to be when you grow up? No one ever answers and I never dreamed I 'd say, "A single mom, without child support, trying to make ends meet." I was convinced I would live the Disney Fairytale...grow up and get married, have children and live happily ever after. Well, maybe I wasn't dealt that hand, but at least I am making the best life I can with the current cards that have been given to me.
Friday, October 25, 2013
Connections
Derek: We know that every connection matters. Every connection is crucial and
when one is broken, it usually means that the damage has been done. This system
of connection compels us to act, choose and behave... sometimes seemingly
against our own will, but it is not random at all. It is the map of who we are.
We will work to understand ourselves... solve the puzzle of how all the
connections work and how all the pieces fit.
Grey's Oct. 24, Season 10
Connections in the brain, as spoken of in the quote above, or in our own lives, are amazing aren't they. When we step back and reflect on how all the connections, the people, the situations fit together like puzzle pieces to form our lives.
The recent book I am reading, The 12 Invaluable Laws of Growth, by John C. Maxwell stresses the importance of stepping back and reflecting on change in our lives, actions in our lives in order to grow and learn from them. Change is a constant in our lives. We can not run from it, hide from it, avoid it...we can chose to ignore it, deny that it is happening, but then we are unable to learn from it, to grow. We need to take the time, make the time to step back and ask why things happened, what did I or could I learn from all of this? If not, we are likely to repeat the same mistakes in different ways, to wonder why things are not getting better, why life isn't improving. Then again, it's all a matter of perspective.
The last time I posted, my son had just began his fall flag football season. The coach, the dad of not only a boy on his team, but the boy that lives across the street from my ex...who's mom and step-dad were the two that were connected to my divorce...his step-dad, for years was my ex husband's best friend. It was in their house that my ex first moved out of our too...it was this boys' mom who introduced my ex to the women he cheated on me with towards the end of our marriage. It was in his garage, that my ex hid tons of our personal possessions from me as well as the legal man who priced and divided up our belongings...it was this boys mom who also told me about all the awful things going on two years ago while my kids were in my ex's placement on weekends...she who talked to the police when one of the times he threatened my life and she who would not talk to child protective services as my ex was threatening her if she did.
Yes, I sat right next to these parents at each flag football game this fall (the season is over now, thus I am more able to type about it)...and oddly, anyone else seated near us would have never imagined all of our history together.
They did share, during one of the first games, while my son was out on the field and unable to hear our conversations, that my ex husband is no longer their friend. That after this past summer, when they had called the police on him...thus the disorderly conduct in July, and all the times he was driving while under the influence after that...they have given up on him...if that's the way to put it. They explained that none of the bars/restaurants, including the grocery store, in their town, will serve him liquor anymore and thus he was driving to our town to purchase it. They explained that they are convinced he can not live alone, that he will no longer ever be able to hold a job and even that his mother asked him (my ex's former best friend) to sign a document to have him taken away to a mental institutions for the rest of his life. He explained his doctor, psychologist, psychiatrist were all ready to sign it and needed one more signature. Knowing how revenge filled and vindictive my ex can be, he said he wouldn't sign it in fear for his life if he ever knew he had.
It was a lot to hear, to take in, to absorb while I sat watching my son shining out on the football field. I also found out that the former neighbor I am speaking of, speaks with my ex's mom every so often as she lives out of town and checks in with him to see how my ex is doing. Confusing and odd, I know...that an entire longer story for another time. Why I even bring it up, is because it was through this neighbor, step dad of the boy on my son's football team, that contacted my ex's mom about coming to see my son play a game apparently.
I had not seen my ex since prior to gaining full placement of the children in February. He called only once at the start of June to speak to them and I got a voice mail on my phone from his mom, my old mother-in-law, stating that she was going to be bringing him to watch my son play football. She said she had spoken with his lawyer and as long as he kept his distance, didn't come near me, he could legally do so. Well, we were out of town/missed that game as I called back and let her know, but also told her they had one more game left the following week. I hadn't heard a thing and weather took it's part and the last game was canceled/rescheduled for a weeknight due to rain. That was when I received a call/message from my ex that he indeed was there and had the game been cancelled. It was then I realized he really was coming and sure enough was there that following Tuesday for the final game.
My daughter usually chose to stay home during her brother's flag football games, but I let her know that her dad MIGHT be there...I didn't even tell my son as I didn't want to get his hopes up and then have him let down. Sure enough, just as they were warming up, a slightly familiar from a distance much older, weather version of my ex husband appeared. (I had been warned by my old neighbors that he put on lots of weight and didn't look too good these days...) My daughter turn to me excited and confused, "Is that Dad?" Sure enough it was and any lost hair, weight, wrinkles, gray/while scruff of a beard...she didn't see any of that...it was her dad and it was amazing that evening, during the hour of that game how much of a remember how love for a parent can be so unconditional and blind to anything. She talked, almost non-stop to him as her brother played on the field...he kept looking over, beaming with joy and waving when he could at his dad. They saw him briefly in February and over a year ago in July was his last supervised placement. My daughter asked about her cat at his place, asked if he has to sell the house (which he had an odd answer for, seeing as though he's been out of work for a year)....she showed off her gymnastic moves and when my son was on the sidelines, hugged him and asked about the video games at his place. When the game was over and my son couldn't stop hugging his dad...I couldn't look up at him, my ex...as the brief moment I did...I saw he was welling up with tears. Just as he had almost done while I once during the game, politely asked about his new job that his mother claimed he had during her phone message. He let me know that when they did their background check, they didn't hire him. His mother's call was quite upbeat and optimistic, explaining that my ex had been sober 40 maybe? days and had a new job and was doing so well. I have learned enough from the past to know that does not mean anything at this point.
So here, my ex had parked right next to us and as we all four oddly walked back to go, my ex was going on about how maybe the kids could come over and play this weekend or next, going on about the video games he still had and had got for my son to play. Knowing, in my mind as I listened that, that was not going to be happening anytime soon but hanging in there for the kids. As they each gave one more giant hug to him, got in our minivan, I did everything I could to avoid eye contact with him. I know he is such a lost soul, but I also know, from reflecting, learning and growing that it is not my job to save him.
We haven't heard a word from him since. I didn't think we would. After a few days, the kids stopped bringing him up. I received...a few days late this week, the child support amount I have been receiving based on his unemployment check still, so I know he is still alive. Sadly, that is what I am fearing dealing with the change of/emotions of. Getting a call that he has passed away...as the nurse/mom of the son on the football team/former neighbor I have been speaking of, also said, if he keeps drinking like he has been, the toxicology reports back earlier in the year gave him less than a year to live...not to mention that she is convinced that he is on some kind of medication for schizophrenia...which would explain all the weight gain...she has commented a number of times that she really thinks that is what he has some form of along with being bi-polar...which on medicine is one thing...but with alcohol and/or drugs and not always taking meds...is rather scary.
What is also scary is the fact all of the genetics from him, his family and my own....mixed together are in my children. At times this causes me to worry...but I am working on my "self-talk", reminding myself I have no control over that. Only how I parent, how I chose to react, help and nurture them in their lives.
As for my life, our life...although we are connected to him, to the former neighbor is one way, it's amazing how time has changed...both the situation as well as how I perceive things. I chose, on my own, during the last few practices and games, to sit right next to these two individuals, as the person I am today is not who I was when I first met them. I am living in the present and currently our connection is about our sons on the same football team.
Connections in live are a funny, odd, thing aren't they? Here, two weeks ago, home in town finally did sell. I didn't know that is was going through until the afternoon before and it was explained I didn't even need to meet the buyers...just to come in and sign the paper work. Odd how it was the same week that I had this experience I just described seeing my ex again. Emotional overload for me that week. I literally signed and watched a women stamp a dozen papers and they said that's it. I went from there, to sit at a local coffee shop and journal...try to, about what all just happened. My parents had asked me to call them when the house was sold so they could celebrate too...but when the realtor seated next to me said, "well, that's it...how does it feel?" My response, that kind of surprised me, as it came out of my mouth from a bit of no-where, was, "Like I failed." I explained that the fact that I wasn't able to keep the house on my own was what I meant, but at the same time, I realize a lot of the circumstances involved I had no control over. I wrote about it at the coffee shop and decided I wasn't ready to publish that entry as a blog post yet. Then I received a call that afternoon, while driving home, from my sponsor in Arbonne...which on a side note, is going quite well...but what took me off guard, was when I mentioned that I had officially signed off on the house that morning, she questioned how I was feeling about that. I explained my first reaction to the realtor, but then said, it is what it is. We are where we need to be right now. She then said, "Well, I have something interesting to share about that...I spent that day in the house painting...my sister is the one who bought it." Small world, of connections again. I guess she thought it was best not to let me know until the sale was done. I apologized, that was my first reaction to her comments, as I said, I know the house needs work, but I just couldn't afford to do what it needed. She said she didn't care and that her sister was just so happy to be in a home instead of a two bedroom apartment with her son, boyfriend and his two boys there part time. I guess it really is all a matter of perspective isn't it.
So today, I sit with a day off...well more a day to catch up on laundry, cleaning, prepping for our 12th annual Halloween kids party tomorrow night that as much as I wasn't sure about keeping the tradition going, my kids sure are. When my daughter was only 1/2 a year old and I had two other mom's with toddlers over in their costumes, the tradition began. Twelve years...amazing how many changes have happened in that time. Amazing that six years ago my divorce kicked off a month and a day ago. I have to wonder if I'll ever be able to look at September 21 and 24 the same way again. I realize it's all how I chose to view it.
I received a kind birthday card last month, after my last post. It was a friend I made in college, working at the YMCA Summer Kids Camps together...she was in my wedding...has been in my world for quite awhile, as plump and pregnant with my son I was also in hers...and after that she moved to Texas and so on...but through technology we have reconnected...that and the fact neither of us miss a birthday or Christmas card to each other! Why I bring up the card, was her comments took me a bit off guard as she wrote, "So glad to see life going well for you again..." The day I received and read it, I was taken back wondering how she thought things were well...but then again...when I reflected and put things in the past year, six years in perspective...
I have full placement of my children...they are safe, loved and having the best childhood possible with the circumstance we have been given. I have a good job, a side job tutoring and now a home business, Arbonne, growing both in financial success as well as in my personal growth. We have a roof over our head that I don't have to worry about us losing as I did a year ago at this time. I found a way (made a way) for us to get a new puppy/dog this spring after having to go through the loss of our other two dogs last year. We are growing and changing here, but in good ways. Yes, I guess all things considered things are going well...some days better than others...but I do get the connection she was making in her card. I understand a lot of connections and changes in our life now and know we still have more to come and learn through.
Grey's Oct. 24, Season 10
Connections in the brain, as spoken of in the quote above, or in our own lives, are amazing aren't they. When we step back and reflect on how all the connections, the people, the situations fit together like puzzle pieces to form our lives.
The recent book I am reading, The 12 Invaluable Laws of Growth, by John C. Maxwell stresses the importance of stepping back and reflecting on change in our lives, actions in our lives in order to grow and learn from them. Change is a constant in our lives. We can not run from it, hide from it, avoid it...we can chose to ignore it, deny that it is happening, but then we are unable to learn from it, to grow. We need to take the time, make the time to step back and ask why things happened, what did I or could I learn from all of this? If not, we are likely to repeat the same mistakes in different ways, to wonder why things are not getting better, why life isn't improving. Then again, it's all a matter of perspective.
The last time I posted, my son had just began his fall flag football season. The coach, the dad of not only a boy on his team, but the boy that lives across the street from my ex...who's mom and step-dad were the two that were connected to my divorce...his step-dad, for years was my ex husband's best friend. It was in their house that my ex first moved out of our too...it was this boys' mom who introduced my ex to the women he cheated on me with towards the end of our marriage. It was in his garage, that my ex hid tons of our personal possessions from me as well as the legal man who priced and divided up our belongings...it was this boys mom who also told me about all the awful things going on two years ago while my kids were in my ex's placement on weekends...she who talked to the police when one of the times he threatened my life and she who would not talk to child protective services as my ex was threatening her if she did.
Yes, I sat right next to these parents at each flag football game this fall (the season is over now, thus I am more able to type about it)...and oddly, anyone else seated near us would have never imagined all of our history together.
They did share, during one of the first games, while my son was out on the field and unable to hear our conversations, that my ex husband is no longer their friend. That after this past summer, when they had called the police on him...thus the disorderly conduct in July, and all the times he was driving while under the influence after that...they have given up on him...if that's the way to put it. They explained that none of the bars/restaurants, including the grocery store, in their town, will serve him liquor anymore and thus he was driving to our town to purchase it. They explained that they are convinced he can not live alone, that he will no longer ever be able to hold a job and even that his mother asked him (my ex's former best friend) to sign a document to have him taken away to a mental institutions for the rest of his life. He explained his doctor, psychologist, psychiatrist were all ready to sign it and needed one more signature. Knowing how revenge filled and vindictive my ex can be, he said he wouldn't sign it in fear for his life if he ever knew he had.
It was a lot to hear, to take in, to absorb while I sat watching my son shining out on the football field. I also found out that the former neighbor I am speaking of, speaks with my ex's mom every so often as she lives out of town and checks in with him to see how my ex is doing. Confusing and odd, I know...that an entire longer story for another time. Why I even bring it up, is because it was through this neighbor, step dad of the boy on my son's football team, that contacted my ex's mom about coming to see my son play a game apparently.
I had not seen my ex since prior to gaining full placement of the children in February. He called only once at the start of June to speak to them and I got a voice mail on my phone from his mom, my old mother-in-law, stating that she was going to be bringing him to watch my son play football. She said she had spoken with his lawyer and as long as he kept his distance, didn't come near me, he could legally do so. Well, we were out of town/missed that game as I called back and let her know, but also told her they had one more game left the following week. I hadn't heard a thing and weather took it's part and the last game was canceled/rescheduled for a weeknight due to rain. That was when I received a call/message from my ex that he indeed was there and had the game been cancelled. It was then I realized he really was coming and sure enough was there that following Tuesday for the final game.
My daughter usually chose to stay home during her brother's flag football games, but I let her know that her dad MIGHT be there...I didn't even tell my son as I didn't want to get his hopes up and then have him let down. Sure enough, just as they were warming up, a slightly familiar from a distance much older, weather version of my ex husband appeared. (I had been warned by my old neighbors that he put on lots of weight and didn't look too good these days...) My daughter turn to me excited and confused, "Is that Dad?" Sure enough it was and any lost hair, weight, wrinkles, gray/while scruff of a beard...she didn't see any of that...it was her dad and it was amazing that evening, during the hour of that game how much of a remember how love for a parent can be so unconditional and blind to anything. She talked, almost non-stop to him as her brother played on the field...he kept looking over, beaming with joy and waving when he could at his dad. They saw him briefly in February and over a year ago in July was his last supervised placement. My daughter asked about her cat at his place, asked if he has to sell the house (which he had an odd answer for, seeing as though he's been out of work for a year)....she showed off her gymnastic moves and when my son was on the sidelines, hugged him and asked about the video games at his place. When the game was over and my son couldn't stop hugging his dad...I couldn't look up at him, my ex...as the brief moment I did...I saw he was welling up with tears. Just as he had almost done while I once during the game, politely asked about his new job that his mother claimed he had during her phone message. He let me know that when they did their background check, they didn't hire him. His mother's call was quite upbeat and optimistic, explaining that my ex had been sober 40 maybe? days and had a new job and was doing so well. I have learned enough from the past to know that does not mean anything at this point.
So here, my ex had parked right next to us and as we all four oddly walked back to go, my ex was going on about how maybe the kids could come over and play this weekend or next, going on about the video games he still had and had got for my son to play. Knowing, in my mind as I listened that, that was not going to be happening anytime soon but hanging in there for the kids. As they each gave one more giant hug to him, got in our minivan, I did everything I could to avoid eye contact with him. I know he is such a lost soul, but I also know, from reflecting, learning and growing that it is not my job to save him.
We haven't heard a word from him since. I didn't think we would. After a few days, the kids stopped bringing him up. I received...a few days late this week, the child support amount I have been receiving based on his unemployment check still, so I know he is still alive. Sadly, that is what I am fearing dealing with the change of/emotions of. Getting a call that he has passed away...as the nurse/mom of the son on the football team/former neighbor I have been speaking of, also said, if he keeps drinking like he has been, the toxicology reports back earlier in the year gave him less than a year to live...not to mention that she is convinced that he is on some kind of medication for schizophrenia...which would explain all the weight gain...she has commented a number of times that she really thinks that is what he has some form of along with being bi-polar...which on medicine is one thing...but with alcohol and/or drugs and not always taking meds...is rather scary.
What is also scary is the fact all of the genetics from him, his family and my own....mixed together are in my children. At times this causes me to worry...but I am working on my "self-talk", reminding myself I have no control over that. Only how I parent, how I chose to react, help and nurture them in their lives.
As for my life, our life...although we are connected to him, to the former neighbor is one way, it's amazing how time has changed...both the situation as well as how I perceive things. I chose, on my own, during the last few practices and games, to sit right next to these two individuals, as the person I am today is not who I was when I first met them. I am living in the present and currently our connection is about our sons on the same football team.
Connections in live are a funny, odd, thing aren't they? Here, two weeks ago, home in town finally did sell. I didn't know that is was going through until the afternoon before and it was explained I didn't even need to meet the buyers...just to come in and sign the paper work. Odd how it was the same week that I had this experience I just described seeing my ex again. Emotional overload for me that week. I literally signed and watched a women stamp a dozen papers and they said that's it. I went from there, to sit at a local coffee shop and journal...try to, about what all just happened. My parents had asked me to call them when the house was sold so they could celebrate too...but when the realtor seated next to me said, "well, that's it...how does it feel?" My response, that kind of surprised me, as it came out of my mouth from a bit of no-where, was, "Like I failed." I explained that the fact that I wasn't able to keep the house on my own was what I meant, but at the same time, I realize a lot of the circumstances involved I had no control over. I wrote about it at the coffee shop and decided I wasn't ready to publish that entry as a blog post yet. Then I received a call that afternoon, while driving home, from my sponsor in Arbonne...which on a side note, is going quite well...but what took me off guard, was when I mentioned that I had officially signed off on the house that morning, she questioned how I was feeling about that. I explained my first reaction to the realtor, but then said, it is what it is. We are where we need to be right now. She then said, "Well, I have something interesting to share about that...I spent that day in the house painting...my sister is the one who bought it." Small world, of connections again. I guess she thought it was best not to let me know until the sale was done. I apologized, that was my first reaction to her comments, as I said, I know the house needs work, but I just couldn't afford to do what it needed. She said she didn't care and that her sister was just so happy to be in a home instead of a two bedroom apartment with her son, boyfriend and his two boys there part time. I guess it really is all a matter of perspective isn't it.
So today, I sit with a day off...well more a day to catch up on laundry, cleaning, prepping for our 12th annual Halloween kids party tomorrow night that as much as I wasn't sure about keeping the tradition going, my kids sure are. When my daughter was only 1/2 a year old and I had two other mom's with toddlers over in their costumes, the tradition began. Twelve years...amazing how many changes have happened in that time. Amazing that six years ago my divorce kicked off a month and a day ago. I have to wonder if I'll ever be able to look at September 21 and 24 the same way again. I realize it's all how I chose to view it.
I received a kind birthday card last month, after my last post. It was a friend I made in college, working at the YMCA Summer Kids Camps together...she was in my wedding...has been in my world for quite awhile, as plump and pregnant with my son I was also in hers...and after that she moved to Texas and so on...but through technology we have reconnected...that and the fact neither of us miss a birthday or Christmas card to each other! Why I bring up the card, was her comments took me a bit off guard as she wrote, "So glad to see life going well for you again..." The day I received and read it, I was taken back wondering how she thought things were well...but then again...when I reflected and put things in the past year, six years in perspective...
I have full placement of my children...they are safe, loved and having the best childhood possible with the circumstance we have been given. I have a good job, a side job tutoring and now a home business, Arbonne, growing both in financial success as well as in my personal growth. We have a roof over our head that I don't have to worry about us losing as I did a year ago at this time. I found a way (made a way) for us to get a new puppy/dog this spring after having to go through the loss of our other two dogs last year. We are growing and changing here, but in good ways. Yes, I guess all things considered things are going well...some days better than others...but I do get the connection she was making in her card. I understand a lot of connections and changes in our life now and know we still have more to come and learn through.
Monday, September 9, 2013
Good things come...
Good things come to those who believe, better things come to those who are patient and the best things come to those who don't give up.
Here I sit, a year older and one can only hope wiser, as I pick out a quote from my Creating Joy posts to share to reflect the past year of my life. I am in a different house, but now it is feeling more like home. I have a new puppy and a new kitten in my life and each day appreciate the unconditional love they bring to my children as well as myself. I have less in my bank account than ever before, but have a new appreciation that I could only feel if I lived the life I have lived this past year. I have an uncertain future, but still have faith that things will continue to get better.
I am able to honestly say I am not the person I was a year ago, and would hardly recognize the person I was 6 years ago when the journey into Divorceland began. I could never have imagined, and those who know me, know my vivid imagination, that my life would take all the twists and turns it has, but it is through these struggles that I have grown. I no longer look for a man to complete me, to provide for our family, to determine my self-esteem...I don't ask others to help me make my decisions, but have confidence in myself, value who I have become am proud of how I am living my life as an example of not giving up to my children.
I have found the ability to self talk myself out of those "negative voices" that still pop up from my past and all though I can't always get them to go away on my own, I now have resources to go to, my journal, friends, exercise...to work through them.
I proved to myself yesterday, literally, that I am able to talk to parts of my past as my past and can separate that from who I am today. Yesterday, as I knew was unavoidable in a smaller village, I faced my ex's neighbors, and former best friend. The man and his now wife, who stood by his side during everything, who introduced him to the women he cheated on me with during our marriage, the man who drove up with my ex while we had exchanges of children for placement at the police station, the women who was, a few years was telling me the awful conditions at my old home where my kids would stay when with their father, yet not share this with police or lawyers to help me at the time.
I didn't shake, break out into a sweat, bring a friend for support, I arrived, and calmly spoke, as if we were simply parents with boys on the same flag football team. As I mentioned, I have changed. As my daughter had stayed home and my son was on the field playing most of the game, I knew it was inevitable for us to talk. I knew, from speaking with my former next-door neighbors, that recently moved out of the old neighborhood, that they were no longer close with my ex and both were convinced he was not well. After hearing a week ago about a situation my ex was in back in July, which explained the jail time and Disorderly Conduct charge, I found out yesterday that it was indeed the reason why they were no longer speaking/friends. As he was now threatening their life as he had done with mine in the past. He had been on binges on and off since I last heard about him in February, has not worked and when had interviews set up, he got drunk that day and didn't attend them. His old friend shared how he is almost twice the size he use to be in weight, that I would hardly recognize him and even when he is not drunk, he doesn't talk to you, it's like he's not there...they say he goes in spurts of taking his medicine and his mom calls them, across the street weekly to check in/on him as she lives in a different town. His friend shared that he now realizes he never really knew who his best friend was and discovered his had lied about so much...even to the point when we were talking he shared that my ex smokes now and always swore to him that he'd never smoke, putting down him for it. I looked at him funny and said he smoke for years, use to hide it from me in college, but would collect those 'Camel dollars' and get items for his dorm or apartment. Once again his old friend and wife looked at each other in disbelief. The two of them had said, the exact thing that I heard my ex's sister share back in December when she had called me, he can't live alone and separate from the drinking/drug use, he is just not mentally stable. Trying to diagnose him from mental health classes she had been taking earning her nursing degree, she said she is convinced he has more than just bi-polar disorder, which I have been told before too...all I can say is once I got home with my son, made sure he had a snack/drink, I got my puppy (well, now 6 month old, but I'm still calling her a puppy) and went out for a good power walk to try and process all that was racing through my mind. They had told me, based on the last few toxicology reports they have him dead in less than a year if he keeps up as he has been...how do you listen to someone tell you this about the man you use to love, who you spent over 15 years of your life with? The father of your children...even if he hasn't acted like one for years now. She had made the comment that he is almost like the man in the movie, "A Beautiful Mind", which I agreed, he was so smart, so intelligent when he used it the right way.
I told the two of them I just pray for him as I don't know what else to do. After hearing about the situation where he was shaking and sweating uncontrollably, walking into a neighbor's house uninvited asking for a drink...hearing the local stores and bars will no longer sell him alcohol, which explains why he was seen driving to the edge of the town I live in to purchase it...to hear his only friend his had left is no longer in his life. What do you do?
I kept telling myself, he is no longer my problem, my worry, that I tried to save him and there is nothing more I can do but keep our kids safe, loved and pray that he finds a way out of this, yet I don't see how that can or will happen anymore. I walk faster and focus on that furry face smiling up at me at the other end of the leash and try and refocus on where I am now and that I am no longer in that world.
The world I am in now is still in the hope, believe that things will get better and be grateful each day when they do. We have our old house, that the day the bank called to say we will have to start the foreclosure process, I hear a third offer has come in (the last two both fell through far through the process)...and still has a closing date, is now next month instead of next week. Until this is done I can't get the credit card companies to stop calling as I can't come up with a consolidation plan until the house is out of my name and I don't have to pay bill on it as well as here. This will be one step closer to things getting better.
I have, in addition to my current full time job I enjoy at church, taken on tutoring as well as the start of a side business. I have a few friends that have found great success with the Arbonne health and wellness home business. After doing much more research, I discovered I can start my own without having to keep inventory or invest any more than I already have by being a wholesale buyer for the last four years. I began the last week and a half of August and already have found success, being in qualification for District Manager by the end of that month. I am already half way to my goal for this month and it's only the 8th of September. My parents, who those who know me, know how they are skeptical and over analyze everything, searched and researched and think this may actually be an option that may work to provide additional income for the kids and I. I am taking the attitude that anything can help at this point, I am staying optimistic with the attitude that I will give it a year of my energy and see what happens. I am learning already what a great personal growth company it is and I for one, could still use more of that. I have already have two wonderful friends on my team and it appears to be growing this month as well. I am excited to be able to put positive energy toward hope in something instead of fear towards the future.
I am also so proud of my children, as they adjusted so well to the start of Middle School and third grade. Over the past week or so, I have received complements from a couple different people about how kind, happy, how wonderful they are, which when you are parenting on your own, sometime you have to wonder if you are really doing what's best...at least you know you are doing the best you can and hope for the best.
For the upcoming year, I am facing it with a different level of hope, patience and calm that I am still taking things day by day, but our "new" family (a new kitten entered our world last month as well...as the kid know a pair of any animal is my limit...so yes some day when finances are better as well as being out of the puppy phase a new puppy may pass our way too)...our new family and new home, with great supportive friends and parents that are 'learning' some forms of boundaries...we are ok and the year ahead will be okay. I have faced many things this past year, I didn't know how I would get through, and while a little more slow to trust the future, I do have faith that things are going to be okay. That things are okay and as my quote began, with time and patients things will continue to get better.
Here I sit, a year older and one can only hope wiser, as I pick out a quote from my Creating Joy posts to share to reflect the past year of my life. I am in a different house, but now it is feeling more like home. I have a new puppy and a new kitten in my life and each day appreciate the unconditional love they bring to my children as well as myself. I have less in my bank account than ever before, but have a new appreciation that I could only feel if I lived the life I have lived this past year. I have an uncertain future, but still have faith that things will continue to get better.
I am able to honestly say I am not the person I was a year ago, and would hardly recognize the person I was 6 years ago when the journey into Divorceland began. I could never have imagined, and those who know me, know my vivid imagination, that my life would take all the twists and turns it has, but it is through these struggles that I have grown. I no longer look for a man to complete me, to provide for our family, to determine my self-esteem...I don't ask others to help me make my decisions, but have confidence in myself, value who I have become am proud of how I am living my life as an example of not giving up to my children.
I have found the ability to self talk myself out of those "negative voices" that still pop up from my past and all though I can't always get them to go away on my own, I now have resources to go to, my journal, friends, exercise...to work through them.
I proved to myself yesterday, literally, that I am able to talk to parts of my past as my past and can separate that from who I am today. Yesterday, as I knew was unavoidable in a smaller village, I faced my ex's neighbors, and former best friend. The man and his now wife, who stood by his side during everything, who introduced him to the women he cheated on me with during our marriage, the man who drove up with my ex while we had exchanges of children for placement at the police station, the women who was, a few years was telling me the awful conditions at my old home where my kids would stay when with their father, yet not share this with police or lawyers to help me at the time.
I didn't shake, break out into a sweat, bring a friend for support, I arrived, and calmly spoke, as if we were simply parents with boys on the same flag football team. As I mentioned, I have changed. As my daughter had stayed home and my son was on the field playing most of the game, I knew it was inevitable for us to talk. I knew, from speaking with my former next-door neighbors, that recently moved out of the old neighborhood, that they were no longer close with my ex and both were convinced he was not well. After hearing a week ago about a situation my ex was in back in July, which explained the jail time and Disorderly Conduct charge, I found out yesterday that it was indeed the reason why they were no longer speaking/friends. As he was now threatening their life as he had done with mine in the past. He had been on binges on and off since I last heard about him in February, has not worked and when had interviews set up, he got drunk that day and didn't attend them. His old friend shared how he is almost twice the size he use to be in weight, that I would hardly recognize him and even when he is not drunk, he doesn't talk to you, it's like he's not there...they say he goes in spurts of taking his medicine and his mom calls them, across the street weekly to check in/on him as she lives in a different town. His friend shared that he now realizes he never really knew who his best friend was and discovered his had lied about so much...even to the point when we were talking he shared that my ex smokes now and always swore to him that he'd never smoke, putting down him for it. I looked at him funny and said he smoke for years, use to hide it from me in college, but would collect those 'Camel dollars' and get items for his dorm or apartment. Once again his old friend and wife looked at each other in disbelief. The two of them had said, the exact thing that I heard my ex's sister share back in December when she had called me, he can't live alone and separate from the drinking/drug use, he is just not mentally stable. Trying to diagnose him from mental health classes she had been taking earning her nursing degree, she said she is convinced he has more than just bi-polar disorder, which I have been told before too...all I can say is once I got home with my son, made sure he had a snack/drink, I got my puppy (well, now 6 month old, but I'm still calling her a puppy) and went out for a good power walk to try and process all that was racing through my mind. They had told me, based on the last few toxicology reports they have him dead in less than a year if he keeps up as he has been...how do you listen to someone tell you this about the man you use to love, who you spent over 15 years of your life with? The father of your children...even if he hasn't acted like one for years now. She had made the comment that he is almost like the man in the movie, "A Beautiful Mind", which I agreed, he was so smart, so intelligent when he used it the right way.
I told the two of them I just pray for him as I don't know what else to do. After hearing about the situation where he was shaking and sweating uncontrollably, walking into a neighbor's house uninvited asking for a drink...hearing the local stores and bars will no longer sell him alcohol, which explains why he was seen driving to the edge of the town I live in to purchase it...to hear his only friend his had left is no longer in his life. What do you do?
I kept telling myself, he is no longer my problem, my worry, that I tried to save him and there is nothing more I can do but keep our kids safe, loved and pray that he finds a way out of this, yet I don't see how that can or will happen anymore. I walk faster and focus on that furry face smiling up at me at the other end of the leash and try and refocus on where I am now and that I am no longer in that world.
The world I am in now is still in the hope, believe that things will get better and be grateful each day when they do. We have our old house, that the day the bank called to say we will have to start the foreclosure process, I hear a third offer has come in (the last two both fell through far through the process)...and still has a closing date, is now next month instead of next week. Until this is done I can't get the credit card companies to stop calling as I can't come up with a consolidation plan until the house is out of my name and I don't have to pay bill on it as well as here. This will be one step closer to things getting better.
I have, in addition to my current full time job I enjoy at church, taken on tutoring as well as the start of a side business. I have a few friends that have found great success with the Arbonne health and wellness home business. After doing much more research, I discovered I can start my own without having to keep inventory or invest any more than I already have by being a wholesale buyer for the last four years. I began the last week and a half of August and already have found success, being in qualification for District Manager by the end of that month. I am already half way to my goal for this month and it's only the 8th of September. My parents, who those who know me, know how they are skeptical and over analyze everything, searched and researched and think this may actually be an option that may work to provide additional income for the kids and I. I am taking the attitude that anything can help at this point, I am staying optimistic with the attitude that I will give it a year of my energy and see what happens. I am learning already what a great personal growth company it is and I for one, could still use more of that. I have already have two wonderful friends on my team and it appears to be growing this month as well. I am excited to be able to put positive energy toward hope in something instead of fear towards the future.
I am also so proud of my children, as they adjusted so well to the start of Middle School and third grade. Over the past week or so, I have received complements from a couple different people about how kind, happy, how wonderful they are, which when you are parenting on your own, sometime you have to wonder if you are really doing what's best...at least you know you are doing the best you can and hope for the best.
For the upcoming year, I am facing it with a different level of hope, patience and calm that I am still taking things day by day, but our "new" family (a new kitten entered our world last month as well...as the kid know a pair of any animal is my limit...so yes some day when finances are better as well as being out of the puppy phase a new puppy may pass our way too)...our new family and new home, with great supportive friends and parents that are 'learning' some forms of boundaries...we are ok and the year ahead will be okay. I have faced many things this past year, I didn't know how I would get through, and while a little more slow to trust the future, I do have faith that things are going to be okay. That things are okay and as my quote began, with time and patients things will continue to get better.
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