What do you want to be when you grow up? I remember being asked this question many times over the years. An author, I think was my first plan, I wanted to be famous and help people through my stories, but I didn't want to be rock-star or TV-star famous because, I remember thinking, then I'd have to spend too much time away from my family. A mom, to have a family, that has always ranked right up there from before I can remember. An artist had crossed my mind, but I remember the exact fear that came with that. I recall sitting in the high school guidance conselor's office, as he was commenting on how creative I was, I pointed out, that I can't count on that...how can I be sure when I wake up tomorrow I will still be creative? It's a valid thought I still have at times today.
I went to college, as it was just expected in our home, undeclared as I really wasn't sure. I remember I took an intro to social work course, world religion class, drawing, and a few others that first semester. Many people from my high school were convince I was going to be a teacher, but I wasn't sure that was what I wanted to do...my mom was a teacher and she made it clear that I shouldn't go into the field...as she would tell others later on...I warned her! But the personality tests all pointed me in that direction. I remember thinking my high school art teacher was funny to suggest teaching art to young children, how great I would be at it. I was convinced I'd never be talented enough to do that.
So I made it through college, graduated with a double major in elementary education and art education. Not even a week out of school, I was blessed with my first teaching job. I taught in the classroom for 5 years until my daughter was born and then returned part time the following year. I felt like an awful mother not be a full time, stay-at-home mom, as my mother had done during my first years, especially since my husband at the time made more than enough for me to stay at home. So after that year, I took a year leave and ended up remaining at home. Well, those who knew me or know me now, know that I could sit still around the house for long. I spent time planning holiday parties for other children ranging from Luau's, Easter Egg Hunts, May Day/May Pole Parties and more. I had clipped and save Family Fun Magazine ideas from my college days and had a binder full of ideas to use. Our basement was an interactive playroom and my life/world revolved around my kids...until divorceland hit.
When I was faced with having to go back to work, what would I do? I had a kindergartener and a three year old child. I couldn't imagine going back to teaching full time and not seeing them...not to mention all the time I would have had to take off for court dates over that almost two years it took for the divorce. I was blessed to be offered a part time job at a church I had just started attending and ironically, the Pastor I had been speaking a bit with about my divorce was overseeing the children ministry at the time. I began at 15 hours, overseeing a birth-three ministry which I could bring my son with most of the time, while I worked. Soon, they asked me to take on additional roles, bringing me up to enough hours for me to qualify for insurance by the time my divorce was finally finalized.
Since I began my work at church, I did apply for a few different full time teaching jobs, back in the public schools, but apparently it was not the place I was meant to be. Not to mention how much teaching has changed in the past 10 years since I left it.
So, this past year, when I could no longer count on my child support to make ends meet along with my job, I started going back to that question. What do you want to be when you grow up?
It's apparently a common questions for people in their 30s/40s as I have heard many others recently asking themselves the same thing. Maybe it is a group of us who did leave one career to take care of young children...or just getting to a point in our lives that we are thinking we are ready for a change.
Ha, change. There is that word again. It's amazing how things change isn't it. I haven't blogged for awhile now, as change isn't always easy to write about. Last time I wrote, seeing my ex, not even looking like himself. It still is hard to think about. Since then, my parents surprised the kids and I and took us (well, technically my sister's frequent flyer miles took us) to Florida, to Disney and LEGOLAND, not to mention a chance to see the ocean, as my sister was sent their to work for six months.
I haven't typed, as I didn't realize how much the trip would impact me emotionally. As a child, heck, even in college and when I first became a teacher, I was always know as one of the biggest Disney fans. I drew images of Mickey back when I first learned how to draw...I went to Disney with my parents and sister four times growing up, if you include the last trip when I was in college and I think my sister was a senior or junior in high school. I remember fantasizing how I would get married in Disney someday or at least have our honeymoon there. My family was doing quit well at this point, financially, and we spent part of our stay at the Grand Floridian hotel...one of the fanciest ones there. I remember the amazing plush robes, the individual beach cabanas...
I went again after my husband and I were first married...he had to go to the area for work and we went a weekend early so we could go to Disney for a couple days and I still a dreamer, a believer in the Disney Magic...beaming that one day we'd be bringing our children here....
Well, my daughter did go to the Magic Kingdom, as we flew to Florida one year when my parents were staying in a time-share and my daughter was about 3, in the height of believing in all the Disney Princesses...my son, only about 6 months old, spent the day with my parents, while my ex-husband and I took my daughter to the Magic Kingdom for a day. The pictures, the scrapbook...it will take me right back to her beaming smiles at the Princess dinner, the fireworks lighting up in her eyes.
After my divorce, I never imagined I'd go back. The magic, the believing in happily ever after...after what all happened in my world, my 'Disney Magic", well, it's just not there anymore. When my parents called and said they wanted to take my kids to Disney, and if I could make it work, I could come too (that's another story for another time)...I was in an odd mix of emotion. I didn't know if I wanted to go relieve those memories, to go to what is suppose to be a place where dreams come true, while my dreams have felt far from it. Not having enough money to pay the bills...not even getting the unemployment child support checks I had to the past few months and with the holidays coming up. I didn't know what to say, other than, I can't afford to go. They knew this and said they see if they could make it work. Well, they did and we went. The kids, of course, loved the trip. I loved seeing the kids full of joy. It was exhausting, as four parks of Disney in two days sure are, but still a good thing too. I made it. I made it into the Grand Floridian, as my parents wanted to show the kids where we once stayed and watched fireworks while eating ice cream from a table outside. I was filled such mixed emotions...watching all those around me...so many people with so much money. Sometimes I just don't understand how our world works.
How do some people live Disney lives? I realize we all have problems...but how is it one goes from The Grand Floridian, to not enough to buy McDonald's or Culver's some weeks. It's not that I overspent or mis-spent money. When you have went through a year, or even just a few months not having enough money for gas or food to get through a week, you wonder why things work the way they do.
I sat here tonight, watching a movie on TV, thinking how blessed I am to have a TV, a heated home, gifts to give my children now for Christmas...things I wasn't sure I'd have not long ago and wonder why? My daughter, now in Middle School, questions why I don't have a job that pays more money...so we can go on vacations, or buy iPods and such. I don't know exactly what that job would be anyway. Surely going back to teaching wouldn't do it. Currently, working 40 hours at church, tutoring twice a week and working on getting my Arbonne business, that's not enough either. I know, dedication, determination...but why do others make the money they do? What am I missing out on?
I am blessed, that with my current job situation, I can be here for my children and that is most important to me right now. Trying to be two parents...well no, trying to be the best one parent I can be for them...be there to help my son with homework....to listen to my daughter when she's willing to talk about her day at school. To know who their friends are, their interests, their fears and their joys. That is worth more than vacations or owning our home anymore. But some days, not to be self-ish, but I just have to question why doesn't the finical part have to be so hard. Am I missing something?
I have been so blessed the past few weeks, with Christmas Cards, generous gifts, one anonymous, so that I could get gifts for my children. I realize I have a hard time accepting the fact that I cant' do it all. I can't give my kids all that I want to right now it life. I selfishly would have loved to take my kids to Disney or anywhere for that matter, on a trip with my own funds, but reality is, I guess, right now it's not an option. So I made the best of what we did. I sucked up my pride, sat in the back seat of my parents Buick as we rode to the airport. A week or two ago, I again, almost cried as I saw the money along with an amazing letter, letting me know how my light shines on so many others, giving them hope and filling the lives of so many children with joy. I have that right by my bed so I can see it every day. When I feel like I am not doing what I am suppose to be in life, not making tons of money, not finding the man I should marry...I look at that letter and am reminded, apparently I am doing something right.
When asked, what do you want to be when you grow up? No one ever answers and I never dreamed I 'd say, "A single mom, without child support, trying to make ends meet." I was convinced I would live the Disney Fairytale...grow up and get married, have children and live happily ever after. Well, maybe I wasn't dealt that hand, but at least I am making the best life I can with the current cards that have been given to me.
