What a difference a year makes. Moments ago, I looked back at what I had typed on my 1-1-11 blog post and just reading it began taking me back...yet fortunately I could click on New Post and start again, start anew start with a clean slate. As I was sitting here trying to figure out just how to start this post, I am pulled back to a conversation I had with my daughter last night, on the way to celebrate New Year's in Madison, she questioned why do we celebrate New Year's? Why is it called a holiday? Does it have to do with the Bible, like Christmas Mom? She had a very good question, as she often does, and after stumbling around with my response, I came up with the fact that starting a year is like a clean slate, a chance to start a new year and maybe try new things, or try not to do certain things. I explained that some people make resolutions, things they are going to try to improve or change about themselves or their behaviors or create new goals. But then pointed out that you don't have to, it's a choice. This morning, driving them to their Dad's so they can spend the rest of their weekend with him, (as it was my year for New Year's) I questions if things looked different now that it's a new year, if it felt different. Nope, it all looks the same out there, they both responded, but after having quite a few more New Year's then they have, it did feel a bit different to me.
I didn't make any official resolutions myself. I know the odds that people who make them don't keep them. But I did view today as a new chance on life. I associated so much difficulty, negativity to last year, to a point where I lumped up the entire year to a wash, a bad thing. Really though, it wasn't. I was blessed with so many wonderful moments with my children, my friends, with kids through church that I worked with, through walks and photograph's in nature, with time alone learning more about God and about myself. Yes, it was a year filled with more challenges that I had wishes for, but I made it. Perhaps that's why it felt so good today to look at a new calendar on my fridge. It was like a reminder that I made it and now new wonderful things can happen. Truly, if you were positive, optimistic enough, you could view each day, each week or month in this way, but for me, right now, it was the dropping of that ball on TV, the hugs from both of my amazing children and then hugs to my two loyal dogs that made me feel so proud, excited, happy. Yes, this year, I didn't enter it with tears, I entered it with smiles, filled with joy. That was my one resolution I had made last year...a search for joy. I suppose I did reach it...as last night and today, even after I had dropped off my children at their Dad's, it was still there, inside of me, joy.
I am entering this year with a different take on life. Without setting official goals, as they still scare me, I do hope to focus on staying healthy, taking care of myself, as well as my children. I want to eat healthier, to get more exercise, gradually, I want to feel confident in myself and I am getting there. I want to model these behaviors so that my children learn them as well. I want to be in the present, to enjoy the present, each day as best as I can, instead of wasting my time worrying about things I can not change or control. I am getting there, it's a process I know, so I want to continue on that path. Again, that's why I dont' want to create goals or resolutions because I know I'm a work in process and that I'll always have a lot to learn along the way.
At the end of this past year, I finally got the courage or whatever you call it to start sketching again, to get out some paints and try creating something on a canvas. During a movie I watched a couple days ago, "The Art of Getting By", the high school senior was struggling with what to draw, the paint, for his final art project...the other students would say how talented he was, but he just could get himself to draw, to put something on that canvas...his art teacher said something to him...I wish I had wrote it down now, something about it doesn't matter what you do, just get started, start the process and it will come...if you can get yourself to start, you can create it maybe you won't like the first thing you make, but you've started the process, you've begun and got the your creative juices flowing and can keep going until it evolves to where you want it too. Okay, I don't know how much of that was said or just taken in by me as I was so easily taken back to that same place...to my senior year, where I too was asked my the Talented and Gifted coordinator in our school to created a mural and I just couldn't do it. I felt too much pressure and I just wasn't strong enough, good enough, I didn't have enough self-esteem. Somehow, with great patience, I did take on an oil painting class and did have my work chosen for a Madison art show...I just didn't feel I had talent, I couldn't see what they were seeing. I was so concerned about getting approval from others, of people liking me and what I did that I just couldn't risk criticism.
Now, as a mom, I can see similar feelings in my own children and I want to do whatever I can to help them achieve a level of self-esteem, of self-confidence that I never had. Of course I want it balanced with compassion, empathy, respect and love, but I think there can be some balance there. The more I read and learn from God, I know now and wish I knew then, it's not about what all those others think, it's about God loving you and wanting you to feel loved, alive and enjoy life with all the gifts he has blessed you with. Yes, we all have different gifts. I could never do the scientific research my sister does working as an aerospace engineer, but in the big picture, it doesn't matter. When I die, people won't talk about how smart I was or how much money I made, I hope they talk about how loving I was. How full of joy I was and how I could help children, my own and those I teach or work with, to find that joy and love in their own lives. I finally realized I don't have to have a special degree, or house or marriage or picture perfect family, what matters is that I am blessed, so blessed with the life I have been given. I have been given two amazing children and an opportunity to share joy with others, with children, with friends, with coworkers. It's not about pleasing others anymore, it's just about embracing joy in life so that it can radiate off of me and reflect onto others. That I can be in the moment to hear what others need prayers for, or concerns in their lives or joy they want to share. Not to be so self-absorbed or concerned about me. How am I going to pay my bills, what am I going to do for work to make more money, what will happen when my ex-husband goes to jail this winter, what will happen if my six month check up shows the pre-cancer cells have grown instead of going away. Today, this first (well as I look at the clock, second) day of the new year, I am refocusing my attention on finding the joy in each day. I have read the Bible verses and quote about giving your worries to God and finally am at a point where I can actually do that.
I realize on this first day of the new year I'm filled with extra optimism, working out, eating healthy, listening to the Daily Audio Bible, working on paintings, feeling alive and filled with hope...I think the goal is to keep some form of that hope each day. On the mornings where life makes me want to hide under the covers, I need to remember the feeling right now. There is hope for this new year, this new day. Each day may not be filled with as much joy and optimism, but that just means the next day will have more, right?
Yes, I did feel different in a good way on this first day of the New Year. I have no expectations from it, only hope for more joy and less worry. Happy New Year.
