Well, it's true, it's it? Greiving, crying, feeling pain, lonely, empty. It's not fun. Muffling the sobs and drying off the tears so your kids won't wake up and see you cry. As they are enjoying a campout in the family room, I am not enjoying the peace of them asleep so much...as it's not peaceful in my mind tonight.
Nothing happened...well nothing that should bring on tears more than any other day in my life. That's just it with grieving, you can't control when it will come back, what will trigger it. For me, it's having time again. Time that's not over consumed with plans, parties, holidays, events. Time when conferences are done, a sport season has ended, the state of the house/laundry/etc. is somewhat under control and I have time to relax and breathe and enjoy life again for a bit. But that's when it can be the hardest. When life slows down and you have to just be. You have to calm your mind, clear you head, reflect on the past few weeks or months and say now what.
I had a free hour before an appointment today and I did would I would normally love to do...I planned to go pick out a new book and treat myself to lunch, or at least a coffee. I spent the entire time wandering...at first at books, titles, concepts...."Life After Divorce"..."A Purpose Driven Life"..."Be Happy Again"...nope, no thanks...tried all of those in that section...healthy eating-feels pointless these days, style and fashion-who is going to notice...I slowly stared at the titles wondering, why? Why even read any of these books...I have read more self-help, empowering, look to God, look inside yourself, laugh, smile, start over books...it feels like I've read them all. So now what.
I go to my appointment then back home to my life, where I hear about my kids day at school, enjoy the somewhat warm weather at the park with them and the other neighborhood kids, eat dinner, plan and see out a fun campout in the familyroom, complete with sleeping bags and stuffed animals all around. Then they go to sleep and here I sit. With my computer on my lap and surfing on Facebook, then the internet. Now what?
I reflect back on the high from Wednesday night...getting all sorts of positive attention from guys at the bar/restaurant a couple friends and I went to. I went home so excited. People like me...rephrase that GUYS still like me! I was so wanting that attention again and that high from that attention when I got up and headed off to work the next morning. I thought...when can I get back there again?! But really, I didn't just want the attention, I wanted to be wanted again. Not by a 24 year old guy, flattering as it was, but by a man who wants to IM with me when my kids go to sleep on a Friday night, or spend my next "kidless" evening next week with me. I want someone to share my fears and worries about my future employment, as I can carry on that I have faith that God will provide and come June I will have a job/health insurance, but on a dark, quite Friday night, it's challenging.
I know, I have friends, AMAZING friends, who may read this and be upset that I didn't pick up a phone and call them. But they all have their own lives, their own stressors, worries, concerns and really, as I said previously, nothing happened. I am just lonely and at the current moment wish I could see just one positive glimpse into my future.
I realized today that it's been three months since I last saw my ex-fiance. Since I had a date, kiss, attention from a man. I realize it doesn't seem that long, but during the first year after my divorce was finally over, I was constantly searching on Match, or talking with friends about single guys they know...I was driven, I was on a mission to make sure I wouldn't miss out on my chance to find "The One"...I was so convinced it was all about effort, all about putting myself out there, getting to know as many people as possible...that my commitment to finding "The One" would work. Well, it worked, in terms of finding a relationship...someone who even proposed to me...but since that ended, I realized that wasn't the way to go. It was not the way to live. I was putting too much pressure on myself and on any relationship I attempted to form.
I know now that I can't go looking for "the one", I can't hunt down a person to love me or to fall in love with. I realize being that desperate or putting that much hope in another person is only setting me up to fail, to get hurt. I learned through living. But now I'm scared to again. I'm scared now, as I have put it in God's hands. I am at a point where I realize that it's true, you don't NEED a man, you don't have to have someone else to complete you. I dont' have to find a new "better"/"different" dad for my kids to have as a role model. They are doing amazing well with me.
But sometimes, you just want to feel loved, wanted and needed and not just by those amazing kids and friends in your life. Spending a Friday night, with tears rolling down your face...it's just not how I wanted to live. Who wants to be alone? I realized when I was married, I spent many nights crying myself to sleep, alone as well. I realize we all have nights...married, single, divorced, widowed, that we cry ourselves to sleep. I just wish there was something I could do to prevent it. I suppose it's part of being human, grieving over our past or what we thought we had...but that doesn't make it more enjoyable. I guess the title tonight sums it up. Grieving sucks.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Pi and More
Tomorrow is Pi Day, 3.14.11. In honor of this date, the Madison's Children's Museum is discounting their admission to 3.14 for the day. A very, Lisa-like line of thinking as a friend commented yesterday after sharing my new discovery. Pie seems to be a theme this weekend, as Friday night, I attended our church's First Annual Chili Cook-Off and Pie Auction for the senior high youth mission trip this summer. The turn out was amazing and it was so wonderful to see so many familiar faces together to support their ministry. I was also excited, of course, to see my pie, my Grandmother's Peanut Butter Pie recipe, sell for $35! Grandma will be proud. I was just proud that i finally tackled the recipe that I had never had the courage to attempt in the past. It turns out, it was not as challenging as I thought it would be.
Isn't that the way life works though? Things you are nervous or scared to take on, on your own, if or when you do face them, they turn out to be much less intimidating than you had originally anticipated. Which takes me back to two weeks ago, when I left this same coffee shop to go home and face my looming light. The light fixture in my kitchen had been broken for over a month. I didn't know who to have fix it and was scared to find out how much it would cost me to get it fixed. It was a constant physical reminder that I didnt' have a husband or man in my life to fix it for me.
Finally, I got the courage to face the light-literally, wearing rubber soled shoes and standing on a wooden chair to reduce the risk of electrical shock, as the Internet suggested to do. I had stopped by the store and got a ballast that needed replacing...as the high school boy who sold it to me said, "Sure, you could do it yourself." It was time, all four fluorescent bulbs removed, circuit breaker flipped to off, time to remove the metal covering and face the wires. I did, making a couple of phone calls to find someone to reassure me I really could cut the existing wires to remove the old ballast, get it removed. Honestly, I think I was also wanting someone out there knowing I was doing this so if I did electrocute myself, I wouldn't be laying there dead for too long.
I twisted and capped all twelve of the wires, put everything back in place, flipped the circuit breaker back on and prayed that it would light. I flipped the switch and....nothing. Noticing the setting sun, which I didn't have much time to work on this still, and the rising frustration growing in me I tried again. Looking closer, I discovered one cap had come off as the wires were coming untwisted. So I tightening all the caps again, closed everything up and....it worked! I did it! I jumped up and down, doing my dance of joy as my dogs watched in amusement. It was an intense sense of pride, joy, accomplishment, that I can create light, I can fend for myself, I will survive!!!
I decided to post my great achievement on facebook, wanting to shout it from the rooftops at this point, Lisa can take care of herself, despite the opinions of my ex and parents! I eventually crawled down off the ceiling, down from my high, yet enjoyed the comments that were posted of my good news. My favorite, was of a friend who said, "Great Job! Now can you come take care of ours? It's been broken for two months and I can't get my husband to fix it!"
Indeed, I went to work that next morning with a smile on my face, which changed to a wide array of emotions over the past two weeks that followed. It seems that life continues to put waves in my path, some days larger ones than others. First, hearing from a friend, that he got hurt at work and was in the burn unit of the hospital for a few days. Visiting him there, was a different experience, as it was right next to the cancer center and sitting in the waiting room for a few minutes (as he had a doctor that needed me to step out) brought things into perspective as to how good I do have it right now. Healthy kids, family and most of my friends. Then the next day, my parents share the news that their house sold and indeed they are building a house only miles from my place and if that didn't add enough stress to my life, my ex husband began his annoying/stressful emails and texts. So much for my pride, joy and excitement. Life just can't stay calm with smooth sailing very long now can it?
The most recent, yesterday was a bit of a puzzle. My children were to attend their end of the season basketball banquet. It was Saturday morning and I was just about ready to leave, as their Dad texts me, asking if I had left yet...as he was feeling sick and wanted me to come pick them up...in the opposite direction...meaning we will be walking into an auditorium late. I said yes, what choice did I have...and as I was driving rather quickly to the banquet, the kids were talking about Kathy, Dad's friend who stayed over last night. I questioned, are you sure she stayed over, as I didnt' see a car in the driveway. "Oh no Mom, when you were coming to get us, she moved it over in front of Jeff's house." my daughter quickly replied. Of course she did.
The banquet was wonderful and the kids just loved it. I am sure glad they were able to attend, regardless of how they got there. Then I took them back to their Dad's place, noticing the extra car still parked across the street as I dropped them off. Their Dad was standing in the doorway, wearing a tee shirt and shorts, wrapping himself in a blanket, leaning over as he was too sick to stand up straight. I drove away, glad I didnt' have to deal with him anymore, yet concerned about my kids. About an hour later, I finally texted him, questioning if he still planned to take my son to the birthday party at the bowling alley he was looking forward to attending. He responded, no. I then texted back, asking if he was feeling well enough to take care of the kids...knowing I had friends coming over to scrapbook for the afternoon in less than an hour, worried as to how he was about to answer. He said yes, but he wasnt' leaving the house at all. So there I sat, not feeling much better after texting him. Knowing my son was missing the party and my daughter was not going to be going to get the goldfish bowl and fish food for the new pet she had won the night before as her dad had promised her.
I felt worse, thinking of Friday, when she called me in the afternoon, from her school's office in tears. She said her tooth hurt, that it was lose now and she didn't want to go to Dad's for the weekend because she was scared he was going to do the string on the doorknob thing! I dont' even want to hear him teasing me about it, she continued. I calmed her down saying I would contact him and make sure he wasn't going to and tried to find out what else was going on and she calmed down enough to go back to class after I said I'd pick her up from school so we could talk more then. In the mean time, I emailed my ex from work and explained her fears. He claimed he hadn't mentioned that trick since last summer and though she must really be upset about something else (yes, I figured that too)...and though it must be the Girl Scout Carnival that night, he thought she must not want to go. I discussed that with her when I picked her up and she excitedly started telling me how even more friends she knew that would be there too. Then she questioned if Daddy really had to take her, couldnt' I? She was worried he woudlnt' know where to go and would bring her late or just wouldn't take her at all. I said I would check with him and sure enough, he said it would be fine if I dropped her off. Then, on the way there she was upset realizing her brother was going to be using the X-Box and DS at Dad's without her, that he might ruin her games and began crying. I explained on the ride to the carnival, that Dad wouldn't let him ruin anything of hers. "Of course he will, he loves him more! He had lunch with him today because he's the Super Star this week and didn't come eat with me when I was the star a couple weeks ago!" Well, she had a point there. I mentioned her telling her dad how she felt and she replied, "Mom, I told him and he said he will sometime soon, but I dont' believe him. I told him to come to our last couple basketball games and he wasn't at those!" The tears continued until we finally made it to the school. She started seeing all sorts of friends while we waited in the registration line and quickly cheered up again. I gave her a hug and let her go off with her troop as I left, a half hour late now for the Pie Auction, but glad I was able to be there for her.
Life is not fair. It's not fair for a nine year old girl, with or without divorced parents. It's not fair for a six year old son and it's not fair for a divorced mom in her mid thirties. It's a good thing there are friends and pie out there to help us through it!
Isn't that the way life works though? Things you are nervous or scared to take on, on your own, if or when you do face them, they turn out to be much less intimidating than you had originally anticipated. Which takes me back to two weeks ago, when I left this same coffee shop to go home and face my looming light. The light fixture in my kitchen had been broken for over a month. I didn't know who to have fix it and was scared to find out how much it would cost me to get it fixed. It was a constant physical reminder that I didnt' have a husband or man in my life to fix it for me.
Finally, I got the courage to face the light-literally, wearing rubber soled shoes and standing on a wooden chair to reduce the risk of electrical shock, as the Internet suggested to do. I had stopped by the store and got a ballast that needed replacing...as the high school boy who sold it to me said, "Sure, you could do it yourself." It was time, all four fluorescent bulbs removed, circuit breaker flipped to off, time to remove the metal covering and face the wires. I did, making a couple of phone calls to find someone to reassure me I really could cut the existing wires to remove the old ballast, get it removed. Honestly, I think I was also wanting someone out there knowing I was doing this so if I did electrocute myself, I wouldn't be laying there dead for too long.
I twisted and capped all twelve of the wires, put everything back in place, flipped the circuit breaker back on and prayed that it would light. I flipped the switch and....nothing. Noticing the setting sun, which I didn't have much time to work on this still, and the rising frustration growing in me I tried again. Looking closer, I discovered one cap had come off as the wires were coming untwisted. So I tightening all the caps again, closed everything up and....it worked! I did it! I jumped up and down, doing my dance of joy as my dogs watched in amusement. It was an intense sense of pride, joy, accomplishment, that I can create light, I can fend for myself, I will survive!!!
I decided to post my great achievement on facebook, wanting to shout it from the rooftops at this point, Lisa can take care of herself, despite the opinions of my ex and parents! I eventually crawled down off the ceiling, down from my high, yet enjoyed the comments that were posted of my good news. My favorite, was of a friend who said, "Great Job! Now can you come take care of ours? It's been broken for two months and I can't get my husband to fix it!"
Indeed, I went to work that next morning with a smile on my face, which changed to a wide array of emotions over the past two weeks that followed. It seems that life continues to put waves in my path, some days larger ones than others. First, hearing from a friend, that he got hurt at work and was in the burn unit of the hospital for a few days. Visiting him there, was a different experience, as it was right next to the cancer center and sitting in the waiting room for a few minutes (as he had a doctor that needed me to step out) brought things into perspective as to how good I do have it right now. Healthy kids, family and most of my friends. Then the next day, my parents share the news that their house sold and indeed they are building a house only miles from my place and if that didn't add enough stress to my life, my ex husband began his annoying/stressful emails and texts. So much for my pride, joy and excitement. Life just can't stay calm with smooth sailing very long now can it?
The most recent, yesterday was a bit of a puzzle. My children were to attend their end of the season basketball banquet. It was Saturday morning and I was just about ready to leave, as their Dad texts me, asking if I had left yet...as he was feeling sick and wanted me to come pick them up...in the opposite direction...meaning we will be walking into an auditorium late. I said yes, what choice did I have...and as I was driving rather quickly to the banquet, the kids were talking about Kathy, Dad's friend who stayed over last night. I questioned, are you sure she stayed over, as I didnt' see a car in the driveway. "Oh no Mom, when you were coming to get us, she moved it over in front of Jeff's house." my daughter quickly replied. Of course she did.
The banquet was wonderful and the kids just loved it. I am sure glad they were able to attend, regardless of how they got there. Then I took them back to their Dad's place, noticing the extra car still parked across the street as I dropped them off. Their Dad was standing in the doorway, wearing a tee shirt and shorts, wrapping himself in a blanket, leaning over as he was too sick to stand up straight. I drove away, glad I didnt' have to deal with him anymore, yet concerned about my kids. About an hour later, I finally texted him, questioning if he still planned to take my son to the birthday party at the bowling alley he was looking forward to attending. He responded, no. I then texted back, asking if he was feeling well enough to take care of the kids...knowing I had friends coming over to scrapbook for the afternoon in less than an hour, worried as to how he was about to answer. He said yes, but he wasnt' leaving the house at all. So there I sat, not feeling much better after texting him. Knowing my son was missing the party and my daughter was not going to be going to get the goldfish bowl and fish food for the new pet she had won the night before as her dad had promised her.
I felt worse, thinking of Friday, when she called me in the afternoon, from her school's office in tears. She said her tooth hurt, that it was lose now and she didn't want to go to Dad's for the weekend because she was scared he was going to do the string on the doorknob thing! I dont' even want to hear him teasing me about it, she continued. I calmed her down saying I would contact him and make sure he wasn't going to and tried to find out what else was going on and she calmed down enough to go back to class after I said I'd pick her up from school so we could talk more then. In the mean time, I emailed my ex from work and explained her fears. He claimed he hadn't mentioned that trick since last summer and though she must really be upset about something else (yes, I figured that too)...and though it must be the Girl Scout Carnival that night, he thought she must not want to go. I discussed that with her when I picked her up and she excitedly started telling me how even more friends she knew that would be there too. Then she questioned if Daddy really had to take her, couldnt' I? She was worried he woudlnt' know where to go and would bring her late or just wouldn't take her at all. I said I would check with him and sure enough, he said it would be fine if I dropped her off. Then, on the way there she was upset realizing her brother was going to be using the X-Box and DS at Dad's without her, that he might ruin her games and began crying. I explained on the ride to the carnival, that Dad wouldn't let him ruin anything of hers. "Of course he will, he loves him more! He had lunch with him today because he's the Super Star this week and didn't come eat with me when I was the star a couple weeks ago!" Well, she had a point there. I mentioned her telling her dad how she felt and she replied, "Mom, I told him and he said he will sometime soon, but I dont' believe him. I told him to come to our last couple basketball games and he wasn't at those!" The tears continued until we finally made it to the school. She started seeing all sorts of friends while we waited in the registration line and quickly cheered up again. I gave her a hug and let her go off with her troop as I left, a half hour late now for the Pie Auction, but glad I was able to be there for her.
Life is not fair. It's not fair for a nine year old girl, with or without divorced parents. It's not fair for a six year old son and it's not fair for a divorced mom in her mid thirties. It's a good thing there are friends and pie out there to help us through it!
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