It's amazing what a good night's sleep can do for one's perspective. Saturday morning and I was up at sunrise, to go watch my son play in his first basketball game. Kindergardeners playing basketball, as one women near me commented, "It's like watching someone herd cats!" as she laughed. The best part was watching the excitement on the children's faces. They were so proud to be out there on a real court, playing in the game. It was well worth getting out of bed hours before I normally would have.
Another game coming up for my daughter at noon, so what to do between games, drink coffee and read/journal of course! It was a great feeling to see so many familiar faces this morning as well. I felt right at home and was so happy to see smiling preschoolers and other children I knew from other ministry work. To feel like you belong, what a blessing.
Last night too, I went alone to the Women's Ministry Event at our church. I really didn't know anyone who was going to be attending, but was still glad I went. From guided mediation, crafts and a a chocolate fondue fountain...it helped, of course, that I won a door prize. It was nice to be around other kind women, reminders that they too came and left their worries at the door, or at least some of them wrote them down and placed them in the basket. I, personally, didn't want to use up all their slips of paper, but saw enough in there already to be reminded that I am not the only one there with challenges.
During the guided meditation, she spoke of the seasons of the year, of life, reminding us of the circular cycle of things. We were reminded that in the winter months, we tend to be closed in, faced with hours of darkness and more often time to dwell more on our troubles. A comment was made about the berries and buds held in on the trees, waiting to reappear, to sprout anew in the spring ahead in our life. How seeds or bulbs are stuck in the cool earth, waiting to feel the warmth of spring reappear and help them grow again.
Kind of like my life in some aspects. I'm staying indoors this a bit more this winter, spending time in books and my thoughts, trying to learn and grow and prepare for what is next in my life. I guess in my personal life as well as the present moment, I truly am between games.
Last night as I tried to focus on the small path the cars in front of me were making in the unplowed snow, a bit stressed driving in the latest Wisconsin snow-event, my phone lit up and made a sound that a text arrived. Who would be texting me at almost ten on a Friday night? It was my friend, who yes, is a guy. Yes, I have always argued that men and women can't be just friends, but for now, I'll willing to take a new perspective on this notion. As I really am not feeling the desire to have a relationship with him like I had in the past. It's just nice to have his texts or responses now and then. To know I have a friend of the opposite sex. I honestly no longer feel upset or sad that I'm not engaged or that I'm not in a relationship with anyone right now. I am not feeling that desperate need to be searching, to be ultra-aware of my surrounds, in the worry that I won't notice that guy I am suppose to watch out for and meet.
I've come to a point where I'm actually not concerned that I won't have a Valentine for Valentine's Day and am totally okay with that. For the first time in the past few years, I'm not feeling a bit of resentment or anger at the stores for their graphic displays of hearts, love, pink and red colors. I am feeling okay with it all, at peace with the fact that I am single and doing well!
I have amazing children, a wonderful job where I am appreciated, the most caring friends and a church family which makes me feel like I truly belong. I am learning and growing about myself as a person, beginning to work on my art and writing again. I am being open and honest with myself about what I eat, how much I exercise, how much sleep I get, how I spend money, working at paying off my debt and not creating more, and about my perspective about each day and experiences during it. I am writing in my daily gratitude journal again and continuing on my quest this year, for finding joy within myself each day.
The past few years have taught me that apparently I am still desirable or lovable to some men out there. I also learned that when I get married again or enter into a long term relationship, it's going to be out of true gut feelings that it's right. I am now at the point I don't need to rush into a relationship to prove anything to anyone anymore, or to myself for that matter. I wont' be questioning things all the time, as I wont' need to. If I am really with the man I was meant to be with, I will just know. I get that now. Apparently I needed the past experiences to get me to this point. A little broke, but not too worn for the wear, I have made it to today.
Feeling a new, but good feeling, secure. Don't worry, I'm well aware this feeling will fade at times, as it has been coming and going lately. But I am going to enjoy it while I do feel it. This past week I was appreciated by the kind words of parents of those I teach, by my daughter's teacher when I volunteer and I told her, "it's just so nice to be wanted." To have a job, volunteering experiences and the opportunity to be a mom all met with praise this past week, felt so good.
