This afternoon, I sat on a lawn chair, trying to both read my new book, wave at and watch my kids swim and keep from being distracted by the load speaker blaring music at the local pool. Yes, it did feel like the first official day of summer vacation at our house today. The kids stayed in their PJs until afternoon, when we decided the storms forcasted were holding off and went to the local pool FINALLY as my kids seemed to feel.
Sitting there, watching how independent and proud of how kindly social and respectful they were being, I attempted to read...it didn't work at first. I picked up my cell phone thinking, who should I be texting, why aren't there any dad's here without rings on their fingers, why were they playing these old annoying songs on these old bad music speakers? I sat and thought about how I felt different than sitting here last summer. Last summer, I was so uncomfortable not being there with a spouse, like I had it stamped on my forehead, single, divorced, not 18 and tiny...but I went last year, many times as my kids had a blast and loved this pool, I needed to grow up and get over it.
Then I began reading. It was okay, I could relate, but couldn't really focus...went in the pool for a bit as my son begged me to join him, his sister had found someone else to hang out with for a little while...then I was back and it came on the speaker...
"Yes I guess it would be nice, if I could..." Faith, song of my summer 1988, song that my first boyfriend called 'Our Song'...the first son on the cassette tape he had made it and I listened to thousands of times and later cried to after our 6 months ended and I was devastated..."I gotta have faith...'for this river, there comes an ocean, before I throw my heart back on the floor, ohhh I reconsider, my foolish notion, I want someone to hold me, yet I wait for something more...PAUSE IN SOUND...cause I gotta have faith, I gotta have faith, I gotta have faith a faith a faith I gotta have FAITH"
It was like the song was singing TO me this time, not bringing back a sad memory. But not until tonight though, after the exhausted kids were fast asleep and I had read on 50 or so more pages...I got to the part of the book where I was reading and then writing down quotes when it hit me. Wow, was this a combination..an author that was DEFENDING Cinderella, defending the fairytales out there. I was crushed when my fairytale of a life ended, was convinced I had to grow up and no longer believe in fairytales. WAIT, is it possible you can look at the fairytale in a different light? Be okay with it, still have hope, still believe, still have FAITH...(imagine acoustic guitar here and friend who know me, I'm of course strumming it)....
The theory of the author? Judy Ford, in her book entitled "Single", is that Cinderella was true to herself, her feelings, to life the entire time. She stayed positive, made the best of the life she was given, however awful it got, she didn't let her wicked stepsisters get the best of her, she didn't give up, she even sought help from her close friends (who just happened to be animals) when she was grieving the loss of her dream to attend the ball...and what happened? A miracle as the book addresses it, or magic...or as I was reading, perhaps it wasn't her fairy godmother, maybe it was suppose to be GOD stepping in, showing her what was possible. THEN the author takes a different perspective on the prince as well....does he settle for any of the other beautiful women out there, no, he knows there is only one true love for him and he knows she is different, has special qualities to her and waits until time allows for them to meet again (via the slipper of course)...and finally, only after they have both had to have hardship (well, after Cinderella has) she does live happily, true to herself all along, every after. She didn't find happiness right away, she had to work, to feel pain, sadness, aloneness and be okay and continue on. As is also pointed out, she doesn't scheme or plan as her wicked step-sisters do...look where it got them. She lets life take it's course.
Perhaps in a twisted way, there is a Christian message in this old fairytale as well...God is there, may not appear through a fairy godmother giving us a magical carriage, but is there, when the time is right and when we have kept our faith, to provide those wonderful things in our lives. Cinderella didn't give up, didn't ignore her feelings or try and escape her life. She accepted it, persevered and stayed optimistic...never thought I'd view Cinderella in a positive light again...I guess that's why you are never suppose to say never...
Hmmm...amazing the things you discover when you are willing to look...
L.
Friday, June 11, 2010
Random Quotes from the book Single by Judy Ford
'Remember that millions of people are in relatoinships because they are afraid to be alone. Do you know anyone who suffers from this?" pg 18 SINGLE by Judy Ford
"You don't want to be alone. You didn't choose it, and you don't like it. It's natural to grieve and grumble about it. It's paradoxical and a bit like magic, because it's through acknowledging the stark reality of aloneness that life becomes bearable." pg 25
Just be where you are. It's when we resist the lessons and benefits that we suffer. The mind can be ticky. It caves what it imagines is missing. Singles crave commitment, marrieds think about freedom." pg 33
"Love doesn't have anything to do with anyone else. Love is not a relationship. Love is a state of being; it's the condition of our own heart." pg 67
"Cinderella live ahppily ever after, not because she finds a prince to tkae care of her (although I'm sure that having a prince was a wonderful addition to her life)- she lives happily ever after because she knows who she is. And who is she? She's a perosn who knows how to make the most out of situation she doesn't like. And she is a person who knows how to accept magic. She doesnt' question or doubt the magic-what woudl she gain by that? She knows that miracles are part of life, which indded they are. Miracles happen every day, and life is full of magic. Plotting nad scheming nad conniving, like the stepsisters do, makes life less enjoyable. It makes life drudgery and hard work, and then people become depressed and hopeless. We're all a little like Cinderella. Perhaps you're working very hard; perhaps you're treated unfairly. Sometimes you might feel all alone. The story of Cinderella reminds us to believe in magic and miracles. It reminds us that hard work can be pleasant and rewarding. Cinderella reminds us that there is comfort in making friends with nature, and that there probalby really is a fairy godmother watching over us. Finally, Cinderella reminds us that regardless of our circumstances, we can liver happily ever after, even if there are setbacks along the way." pg 73
"I think people live happily ever after because of how they live each moment. I think miracles do happend that can completely turn one's life around, and it's good to be open to the little miracles that happen in our lives. The stepsisters tried so hard to make their life different...." Pg 74
"Prince Charming has something to teach us, too. He didnt' want just any women; he only wanted the women who fit the glass slipper. Almost fittering wouldn't do! And it never does. When I look aroudn, I see that far too many people settle for less than what they want-oout of fear that the right one can't be foudn, that the right house can't be foudn, that the right job can't be foudn, that the right relationsihp can't be found" Pg 74
"You don't want to be alone. You didn't choose it, and you don't like it. It's natural to grieve and grumble about it. It's paradoxical and a bit like magic, because it's through acknowledging the stark reality of aloneness that life becomes bearable." pg 25
Just be where you are. It's when we resist the lessons and benefits that we suffer. The mind can be ticky. It caves what it imagines is missing. Singles crave commitment, marrieds think about freedom." pg 33
"Love doesn't have anything to do with anyone else. Love is not a relationship. Love is a state of being; it's the condition of our own heart." pg 67
"Cinderella live ahppily ever after, not because she finds a prince to tkae care of her (although I'm sure that having a prince was a wonderful addition to her life)- she lives happily ever after because she knows who she is. And who is she? She's a perosn who knows how to make the most out of situation she doesn't like. And she is a person who knows how to accept magic. She doesnt' question or doubt the magic-what woudl she gain by that? She knows that miracles are part of life, which indded they are. Miracles happen every day, and life is full of magic. Plotting nad scheming nad conniving, like the stepsisters do, makes life less enjoyable. It makes life drudgery and hard work, and then people become depressed and hopeless. We're all a little like Cinderella. Perhaps you're working very hard; perhaps you're treated unfairly. Sometimes you might feel all alone. The story of Cinderella reminds us to believe in magic and miracles. It reminds us that hard work can be pleasant and rewarding. Cinderella reminds us that there is comfort in making friends with nature, and that there probalby really is a fairy godmother watching over us. Finally, Cinderella reminds us that regardless of our circumstances, we can liver happily ever after, even if there are setbacks along the way." pg 73
"I think people live happily ever after because of how they live each moment. I think miracles do happend that can completely turn one's life around, and it's good to be open to the little miracles that happen in our lives. The stepsisters tried so hard to make their life different...." Pg 74
"Prince Charming has something to teach us, too. He didnt' want just any women; he only wanted the women who fit the glass slipper. Almost fittering wouldn't do! And it never does. When I look aroudn, I see that far too many people settle for less than what they want-oout of fear that the right one can't be foudn, that the right house can't be foudn, that the right job can't be foudn, that the right relationsihp can't be found" Pg 74
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Exhausted but okay.
I made it through today. No time for reading and reflecting on me directly today, but a day to reflect on later. My daughter finished school, finished the primary school today. I made it on little sleep, my own unwise choice, to her morning all-school assembly and to work, to pick up my son after finding out my ex didn't take him to the daycare this morning as he should have, and it's still not clear what happened, but at least he made it there, finally ate and was full of hugs and smiled when I picked him up after work. We made it back to town to pick up my daughter one last day from second grade. We went out to celebrate at Olive Garden and I was impressed at how much I enjoyed just the three of us out at dinner together. We made a list of fun things we want to do this summer, laughed, ate and had a truly good time. Afterwards we stopped by the nearby mall to get a few more shorts for summer and when we were there, my daughter again questions when can I get my ears pierced mom, even so and so has theirs done....she was right, she was one of the last. Maybe I had to wait until 10 or 13, but it was a special day, I suppose it might be a good time...I texted her dad, explaining she really wants to have them done and after the second text, he did respond, saying he was going to go do it soon anyway...I felt relieved that I had an agreement about a big decision, yet felt bad how he phrased he would have without contacting/asking me.
She was amazing, excited, funny, brave...and beyond excited and proud. I know I won't ever forget this last day of school, of second grade, of getting her ears pierced. My son stood by cheering and hugging both of us. SO excited for her as well. It was quite an evening. Now it's officially summer, school is out and I have made it through yet another transition.
I am not good at transitions, I am however better than I use to be. As I keep saying to others, I am a work in progress. I was contacted yesterday by a mom who is beginning the divorce process and I was literally quite taken back, scared to return her call/message. She credited me with how well I've done and I have a hard time seeing things that way lately. Last night, escaping my home, my feelings about how life it again changing, moving forward whether I want it to or not. I had hoped I'd be at a different place by the end of this school year, but I am not. I had hoped I'd have someone to celebrate/worry/reflect with on the changing of the seasons again, but yet I am still trying to do it on my own.
Tonight, I sit after making it through my day, not a bad day at all, just an intense day of changes, my daughter is growing up, my son is growing up, seasons are changing, former co-workers are retiring, new job offers are appearing. Change is always occurring in our lives, whether we want it to or not, whether we accept it or ignore it. I did call back the mom who had contacted me, once I got my exhausted kids to bed. Listening and probably talking too much, I was amazed at all I really have been through the past few years. I am at such a different place and apparently others see it as impressive or that I am so strong and doing so well. Quite the exact opposite of how I was feeling last night, but kind to hear. Yes, I've made it through quite a bit of ickiness, as I said, I didn't have a choice. My kids, God has given me them, blessed me with them and I am here for them, I will always try to be. I may not be doing everything right, but at least I haven't given up, in light of all that has been thrown at me. I guess I am making progress but definitely have some work to do still.
I sat last night, journal and book in hand and thought...I can't do this. I can't follow what I've read, I can't be strong, I can't face tomorrow, this summer, this fall of transitions without knowing what is coming next.
Then, I am reminded of what two co-workers were reminding me today. I am not alone, I was never meant to be alone and am not suppose to do it all...God...he is there if I'll let him be, if I'll let him in again, try and have faith again. I was reminded that I am not in charge of my life, as much as I want to be. God is in charge, he has a plan for me and it may not be my plan today, or on my timetable, or happening as fast or in the way I want it too, but he's watching over me and there for me. I need to refocus as I read and reflect and remember I am never really alone, at least I don't have to be.
One of these co-workers, yesterday morning, said she had read my first three blogs and pointed out that I am missing one key element in all of my plans, that I am not giving my troubles, worries, fears to God. She asked me what happened to faith, in God, in his plans for me. That I don't need to worry, to stress, that he will take care of me. To remember to be the turtle. Take it slow and it will work out.
The tired turtle is going to bed. I do have to thank all those who care about me and look out for me when I don't feel up to it. I have amazing friends, co-works, kids....and an amazing God watching over me, whether I am ready to trust him yet or not.
L.
She was amazing, excited, funny, brave...and beyond excited and proud. I know I won't ever forget this last day of school, of second grade, of getting her ears pierced. My son stood by cheering and hugging both of us. SO excited for her as well. It was quite an evening. Now it's officially summer, school is out and I have made it through yet another transition.
I am not good at transitions, I am however better than I use to be. As I keep saying to others, I am a work in progress. I was contacted yesterday by a mom who is beginning the divorce process and I was literally quite taken back, scared to return her call/message. She credited me with how well I've done and I have a hard time seeing things that way lately. Last night, escaping my home, my feelings about how life it again changing, moving forward whether I want it to or not. I had hoped I'd be at a different place by the end of this school year, but I am not. I had hoped I'd have someone to celebrate/worry/reflect with on the changing of the seasons again, but yet I am still trying to do it on my own.
Tonight, I sit after making it through my day, not a bad day at all, just an intense day of changes, my daughter is growing up, my son is growing up, seasons are changing, former co-workers are retiring, new job offers are appearing. Change is always occurring in our lives, whether we want it to or not, whether we accept it or ignore it. I did call back the mom who had contacted me, once I got my exhausted kids to bed. Listening and probably talking too much, I was amazed at all I really have been through the past few years. I am at such a different place and apparently others see it as impressive or that I am so strong and doing so well. Quite the exact opposite of how I was feeling last night, but kind to hear. Yes, I've made it through quite a bit of ickiness, as I said, I didn't have a choice. My kids, God has given me them, blessed me with them and I am here for them, I will always try to be. I may not be doing everything right, but at least I haven't given up, in light of all that has been thrown at me. I guess I am making progress but definitely have some work to do still.
I sat last night, journal and book in hand and thought...I can't do this. I can't follow what I've read, I can't be strong, I can't face tomorrow, this summer, this fall of transitions without knowing what is coming next.
Then, I am reminded of what two co-workers were reminding me today. I am not alone, I was never meant to be alone and am not suppose to do it all...God...he is there if I'll let him be, if I'll let him in again, try and have faith again. I was reminded that I am not in charge of my life, as much as I want to be. God is in charge, he has a plan for me and it may not be my plan today, or on my timetable, or happening as fast or in the way I want it too, but he's watching over me and there for me. I need to refocus as I read and reflect and remember I am never really alone, at least I don't have to be.
One of these co-workers, yesterday morning, said she had read my first three blogs and pointed out that I am missing one key element in all of my plans, that I am not giving my troubles, worries, fears to God. She asked me what happened to faith, in God, in his plans for me. That I don't need to worry, to stress, that he will take care of me. To remember to be the turtle. Take it slow and it will work out.
The tired turtle is going to bed. I do have to thank all those who care about me and look out for me when I don't feel up to it. I have amazing friends, co-works, kids....and an amazing God watching over me, whether I am ready to trust him yet or not.
L.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Mastering the Art of Aloneness
"Mastering the art of aloneness is a process. It involves developing the self-awareness, life skills and emotional intelligence you need to share healthy relationships and to live a rich, full, gratifying life whether you've living it alone or with someone else."
Solemate by Lauren Mackler, pg. 20
Today I spent a bit of time reading, journaling and doing exercises along with my new book. I already was aware that I need to love myself in order to love someone else, that I needed to work on my self esteem and be content on my own. If I could have done that all on my own already, trust me I would have! Luckily, this book went into more depth as to why we behave the way we do. Looking back at the role we played in our family structure growing up and stating that very few children actually are raised in homes with truly nurturing parents and that is because they too were not raised in that environment. I fit right into one of the categories, as a 'Lost Child' which in turn is why I now exhibit behaviors of a people pleaser, tending to rely on others for appreciation, dependency, conforming to rules and being cautious on taking risks. I also grew up in a home with other issues such as perfectionism, ridged rules and was suppose to be/act a certain way. The book goes into much more detail, but what I cared more about...can I be cured/fixed?!?
The next step, was working on creating an Nurturing Inner Parent or voice that combats all of these critical comments in our mind. Technically, the next step in constant awareness and being in the present moment, being aware of the decisions you make and why, the way you treat yourself and others, what you fear and why. The book works through all of these ideas and gives suggestions as well as examples of others who have also dealt with similar issues.
As the book continued on the topic of 'My Ideal Partner' I was hopeful it was going to help me out here! Well, it does, but not as I had planned. The analogy of the Cinderella Story, that a man will come save me from all my troubles, is unfortunately far too often how women have viewed a man in their life. It talked about pressures, (hmmm, I wonder who that could be?) who go after any man or women, hoping they'll be or making them into the idea match they want to see. The search for someone to fill in the voids and make them/me feel whole again. The book explained how amazingly often opposites do attract because of this. At first we feel like we've found our match, or soulmate when later we realized those very opposite personality, behavioral traits that attracted us to that person end up making us upset, angry or worse later in the relationship. The relationships are often doomed from the start. What the book explains is that all the traits we are looking for in an ideal partner are really traits we posses or wish we possessed in ourselves. "Whatever you're looking for in an ideal partner is a piece of your puzzle, a key to understanding what you're seeking in your own life." pg 218. Then it continues to help us/me explore how I can work on those traits in myself and have a healthier relationship with myself.
The importance of inner as well as outer support systems are stressed, as we can not take on all of these conditioned, unconscious behaviors alone and need help in taking on this challenge. The challenge is also to manage your conditioned self with compassion, patience and overtime. "Our perceptions produce our emotional responses. Our emotional responses drive our behavior and behaviors create our reality-the quality of our lives and the circumstances in which we live." pg 26.
The author explains this towards the beginning of the book and near the end, summaries that we need to go about working on our perceptions and behaviors by creating a 'Life Vision' that will help us master the art of aloneness through focus, strategy and commitment.
I felt this book was an excellent springboard for ideas to work on, to journal about and to discuss with others at this point of my journey. I even got into a discussion on part of the book yesterday...helping me realize that that the Phenomenology, how I see the world and everything around me, has been distorted views about myself, my relationships with others and the world around me. I have incorrectly learned that the authority is form the world around, other people, my parents, my ex and not from within where is should be. I have taken on this view subconsciously from how I've been raised and my parents, etc. that created this view of life did not, of course, do it intentionally, but it has happened and I have a choice to work on changing my perspectives, habits and traits. I just need to, as the book says as well, become as aware as possible of myself and my own personal thoughts, sometimes overriding the ingrained incorrect ones.
I grew up with the idea that the world is a scary place, I learn to become a subconscious catastrophiser, to see things in extremes, in black and white, and that I am a projection of my parents and not a separate person, taking on their fears, worries and still to this day not encouraging my own autonomy, not encouraging me to be independent my own person, but instead to rely on them or others for help. I was always watched like a hawk, not given freedom or space, told what I did wrong and should work on, how I should fix things or make them better, being corrected far too often. I truly want to identify all of these quirks or whatever you'd psychology call them as I don't want to pass them on to my own children and want to truly be a nurturing parent they need. Along with that, I want to show them how to treat yourself and be a role model of someone who is strong, confident, independent, happy and enjoying life with or without a man. I also do, someday, when the moment/timing is right, want to find that man who is a wonderful complement to me, to enjoy being two solid content people who also find happiness together.
Enough for tonight! I have to get the kids, who are playing amazing well together this evening, to bed!
L
Solemate by Lauren Mackler, pg. 20
Today I spent a bit of time reading, journaling and doing exercises along with my new book. I already was aware that I need to love myself in order to love someone else, that I needed to work on my self esteem and be content on my own. If I could have done that all on my own already, trust me I would have! Luckily, this book went into more depth as to why we behave the way we do. Looking back at the role we played in our family structure growing up and stating that very few children actually are raised in homes with truly nurturing parents and that is because they too were not raised in that environment. I fit right into one of the categories, as a 'Lost Child' which in turn is why I now exhibit behaviors of a people pleaser, tending to rely on others for appreciation, dependency, conforming to rules and being cautious on taking risks. I also grew up in a home with other issues such as perfectionism, ridged rules and was suppose to be/act a certain way. The book goes into much more detail, but what I cared more about...can I be cured/fixed?!?
The next step, was working on creating an Nurturing Inner Parent or voice that combats all of these critical comments in our mind. Technically, the next step in constant awareness and being in the present moment, being aware of the decisions you make and why, the way you treat yourself and others, what you fear and why. The book works through all of these ideas and gives suggestions as well as examples of others who have also dealt with similar issues.
As the book continued on the topic of 'My Ideal Partner' I was hopeful it was going to help me out here! Well, it does, but not as I had planned. The analogy of the Cinderella Story, that a man will come save me from all my troubles, is unfortunately far too often how women have viewed a man in their life. It talked about pressures, (hmmm, I wonder who that could be?) who go after any man or women, hoping they'll be or making them into the idea match they want to see. The search for someone to fill in the voids and make them/me feel whole again. The book explained how amazingly often opposites do attract because of this. At first we feel like we've found our match, or soulmate when later we realized those very opposite personality, behavioral traits that attracted us to that person end up making us upset, angry or worse later in the relationship. The relationships are often doomed from the start. What the book explains is that all the traits we are looking for in an ideal partner are really traits we posses or wish we possessed in ourselves. "Whatever you're looking for in an ideal partner is a piece of your puzzle, a key to understanding what you're seeking in your own life." pg 218. Then it continues to help us/me explore how I can work on those traits in myself and have a healthier relationship with myself.
The importance of inner as well as outer support systems are stressed, as we can not take on all of these conditioned, unconscious behaviors alone and need help in taking on this challenge. The challenge is also to manage your conditioned self with compassion, patience and overtime. "Our perceptions produce our emotional responses. Our emotional responses drive our behavior and behaviors create our reality-the quality of our lives and the circumstances in which we live." pg 26.
The author explains this towards the beginning of the book and near the end, summaries that we need to go about working on our perceptions and behaviors by creating a 'Life Vision' that will help us master the art of aloneness through focus, strategy and commitment.
I felt this book was an excellent springboard for ideas to work on, to journal about and to discuss with others at this point of my journey. I even got into a discussion on part of the book yesterday...helping me realize that that the Phenomenology, how I see the world and everything around me, has been distorted views about myself, my relationships with others and the world around me. I have incorrectly learned that the authority is form the world around, other people, my parents, my ex and not from within where is should be. I have taken on this view subconsciously from how I've been raised and my parents, etc. that created this view of life did not, of course, do it intentionally, but it has happened and I have a choice to work on changing my perspectives, habits and traits. I just need to, as the book says as well, become as aware as possible of myself and my own personal thoughts, sometimes overriding the ingrained incorrect ones.
I grew up with the idea that the world is a scary place, I learn to become a subconscious catastrophiser, to see things in extremes, in black and white, and that I am a projection of my parents and not a separate person, taking on their fears, worries and still to this day not encouraging my own autonomy, not encouraging me to be independent my own person, but instead to rely on them or others for help. I was always watched like a hawk, not given freedom or space, told what I did wrong and should work on, how I should fix things or make them better, being corrected far too often. I truly want to identify all of these quirks or whatever you'd psychology call them as I don't want to pass them on to my own children and want to truly be a nurturing parent they need. Along with that, I want to show them how to treat yourself and be a role model of someone who is strong, confident, independent, happy and enjoying life with or without a man. I also do, someday, when the moment/timing is right, want to find that man who is a wonderful complement to me, to enjoy being two solid content people who also find happiness together.
Enough for tonight! I have to get the kids, who are playing amazing well together this evening, to bed!
L
Monday, June 7, 2010
My Research Begins
"If you aspire to a healthy, conscious partnership or marriage, mastering the art of aloneness and becoming the partner you seek are important prerequisites."
Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness & Transform Your Life
by Lauren Mackler, pg 213
Here I go again, a new coffee shop today and a pile of books on my table. Anyone who knows me, knows I have to research and learn about anything I attempt to do. So, why not study about being single/alone. Apparently, from the trip to Barnes and Noble last night, I am far from the only one needing help in this world. I sat myself down on the not so soft carpet and just stared...so many titles, so many people out there with suggestions and advice for me. The first book I pulled off the shelf was entitled Solemate, but Lauen Mackler. I read years ago, Thomas Moore's, Soulmate, but I quickly found this book to be quite different. I sat there going through pages and pages and then stopped, pulled out my journal and stared recording quote after quote...fine, I'll buy the stupid book!
'By reclaiming your wholeness, reintegrating the parts of you that were lost during your life conditioning and becoming aware of the habitual patterns that drive your relationship, you'll be in a better place to enter into a healthy, conscious relationship with another person." page 210. That sounds about right, I guess the next step for me is reclaiming my wholeness. Wait, I was going to enjoy single file, not fix myself. I guess I'm tackling that too, which makes sense, I need help and if this will do it, okay let's take it on. Yes,I will need this book and on my search continued.
Next I found Single: The art of being satisfied, fulfilled, and independent by Judy Ford and began to read the back cover...
"Single is...not a condition to be cured...it's just as natural as being part of a couple. It's wisdom is contagious...Singe is about upholding the most enduring relationship of all, the one we have with ourselves."
Yes, well seeing as though a good friend keeps pointing out to me I should love myself, being by myself and just be happy enjoying life on my own, I shouldn't need anyone else to make me happy. I know at some level, all of this, but this book might have some good advice/suggestions as to how to help me work on that.
Finally, I found and purchased a book/journal entitled, Skinny Bitchin' A "Get Off Your Ass" Journal to Help You Change Your Life, Achieve Your Goals, and Rock Your World! by Roy Freeman and Kim Barnouin. I laughed out loud when I read "Quit crying in a corner 'cause your boyfriend dumped you, you know he was a lame-ass anyway. Bask in the glory of being single for awhile" as I continued it stated clearly to me, "Whatever you've been dying to do or try but have been too scared-today is the day! Carpe diem bitches! This ain't no dress rehearsal!"
Yup, I guess I could use their straight talk too. Originally, I headed to the magazine section to find all the local magazines to find what fun events I should plan to attend this summer, so I could start booking up my "free weekends". But after my search, I decided, maybe it would be best to not plan every moment nervously and see where I end up on my own.
On my drive home, I was processing all the information I had just read, thinking what have I been scared to do that I could do right now and then I did it. I entered a local bar on my own, for the first time ever in my life. I walked in alone, sat at the counter and ordered a beer and a bar burger, which is what I've been really craving for awhile now, but always to anxious to go on my own. It was great and surprisingly I survived and realized how shy, yet friendly the bartender was. Check, one off my list, how many to go?
Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness & Transform Your Life
by Lauren Mackler, pg 213
Here I go again, a new coffee shop today and a pile of books on my table. Anyone who knows me, knows I have to research and learn about anything I attempt to do. So, why not study about being single/alone. Apparently, from the trip to Barnes and Noble last night, I am far from the only one needing help in this world. I sat myself down on the not so soft carpet and just stared...so many titles, so many people out there with suggestions and advice for me. The first book I pulled off the shelf was entitled Solemate, but Lauen Mackler. I read years ago, Thomas Moore's, Soulmate, but I quickly found this book to be quite different. I sat there going through pages and pages and then stopped, pulled out my journal and stared recording quote after quote...fine, I'll buy the stupid book!
'By reclaiming your wholeness, reintegrating the parts of you that were lost during your life conditioning and becoming aware of the habitual patterns that drive your relationship, you'll be in a better place to enter into a healthy, conscious relationship with another person." page 210. That sounds about right, I guess the next step for me is reclaiming my wholeness. Wait, I was going to enjoy single file, not fix myself. I guess I'm tackling that too, which makes sense, I need help and if this will do it, okay let's take it on. Yes,I will need this book and on my search continued.
Next I found Single: The art of being satisfied, fulfilled, and independent by Judy Ford and began to read the back cover...
"Single is...not a condition to be cured...it's just as natural as being part of a couple. It's wisdom is contagious...Singe is about upholding the most enduring relationship of all, the one we have with ourselves."
Yes, well seeing as though a good friend keeps pointing out to me I should love myself, being by myself and just be happy enjoying life on my own, I shouldn't need anyone else to make me happy. I know at some level, all of this, but this book might have some good advice/suggestions as to how to help me work on that.
Finally, I found and purchased a book/journal entitled, Skinny Bitchin' A "Get Off Your Ass" Journal to Help You Change Your Life, Achieve Your Goals, and Rock Your World! by Roy Freeman and Kim Barnouin. I laughed out loud when I read "Quit crying in a corner 'cause your boyfriend dumped you, you know he was a lame-ass anyway. Bask in the glory of being single for awhile" as I continued it stated clearly to me, "Whatever you've been dying to do or try but have been too scared-today is the day! Carpe diem bitches! This ain't no dress rehearsal!"
Yup, I guess I could use their straight talk too. Originally, I headed to the magazine section to find all the local magazines to find what fun events I should plan to attend this summer, so I could start booking up my "free weekends". But after my search, I decided, maybe it would be best to not plan every moment nervously and see where I end up on my own.
On my drive home, I was processing all the information I had just read, thinking what have I been scared to do that I could do right now and then I did it. I entered a local bar on my own, for the first time ever in my life. I walked in alone, sat at the counter and ordered a beer and a bar burger, which is what I've been really craving for awhile now, but always to anxious to go on my own. It was great and surprisingly I survived and realized how shy, yet friendly the bartender was. Check, one off my list, how many to go?
Sunday, June 6, 2010
New Perspective
Sunday morning, a new day, a new perspective or at least I hope. I came to the realization last night, like it or not, that things are not going to work out with Jon. There is nothing further I can do, it is what it is. So here I sit, trying to regain perspective on my life. I talked with a good friend last night, a couple of them actually and it was agreed, I should stop. Stop trying, stop pushing, stop stressing, stop worrying, stop searching, just stop. For the next two months, or maybe even all summer, just focus on me again, enjoying my life on my own.
Last night, she said, "You were in such a better place when you told yourself you weren't ready to or going to date. Once your divorce was finalized, you've been on a constant mission to find 'the one' and putting so much pressure on yourself. She is right. I am determined, driven, convinced I can do something when I put my mind to it, but when it comes to relationships, finding my soul mate, I sadly have to admit, it's out of my control.
"It works out when you don't try. Trust me :)" a friend responded to my facebook post last night. She is right and knows their from personal experience, as she was in a similar boat a few years ago, now happily married, for the second time, to a most wonderful man.
I told my friend over drinks last night, "but the fourth of July is coming" it is my first one without kids and a chance to have a romantic evening watching the fireworks with the guy I am suppose to be with. I was suppose to have found him by now I continued on. She pointed out how I keep setting myself up to be hurt, to be let down when I make goals that I can't keep. As I point out, I do it subconsciously, but I suppose she's right.
During those almost two years it took for my divorce, I told myself and everyone else, I was not ready or going to date and instead focus on my kids and myself. I needed to find myself again as I had been so lost through all that had happened. I took off any and all pressure and until I step back and analyze it with a friend, I hadn't realized all the pressure I had placed on myself today.
By telling my friends and co workers each time I meet someone, actually was more hurtful than helpful. They are so kind and encouraging, hopeful and optimistic that I felt as though I was letting them down, failing not only my goals but their dreams for me as well. I ended feeling even worse re-explaining things to others each time a relationship has not worked out. I know they are all concerned and want me to find "the one" as much as I do, but I think including others in the beginning, just ads more unnecessary pain.
So how do I go back, or refocus, re shift my attention on me, not on finding a guy. Probably easy for many, but I don't like to focus on myself. When my kids are around, no problem, not worried. It's that every-other-weekend when I'm "kidless" that I dread. I view these weekends negatively, as "alone" weekends, when I'm unwanted and have no one to share life with. I decided I need to fill these weekends with fun plans so I no longer dread them.
Six weekends, excluding the current one, I am alone this summer. My mission is to find exciting things to fill this summer with to remember it is a wonderful gift, a treasure, rather than the sad lonely upcoming time I have been given. The extreme planner that I am, actually I read this is a trait of Virgos, imagine that! is ready to take on the planning and to keep myself focused on enjoying each weekend and not focusing on having a guy to share it with...
So I have created this blog. To give myself a goal, to give myself a new perspective and make myself accountable. No more match.com, no more searching and dreaming, or dreading that I will end up alone and sad. It is time to enjoy the summer ahead of me regardless of my single status. I am off to plan my first weekends/events and will post what I come up with, as my plans will, of course, include the amazing girlfriends in my life!!!
Oh, one side note...last night, my friend did point out, while I am refocusing on me, taking a so called "diet from dating" over the next few months, if something/someone appears on their own, I am allowed to snack...LOL...meaning, if a date pops up I can take it, but no hunting one down anymore...the focus is on Lisa and enjoying her single life!
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Last night, she said, "You were in such a better place when you told yourself you weren't ready to or going to date. Once your divorce was finalized, you've been on a constant mission to find 'the one' and putting so much pressure on yourself. She is right. I am determined, driven, convinced I can do something when I put my mind to it, but when it comes to relationships, finding my soul mate, I sadly have to admit, it's out of my control.
"It works out when you don't try. Trust me :)" a friend responded to my facebook post last night. She is right and knows their from personal experience, as she was in a similar boat a few years ago, now happily married, for the second time, to a most wonderful man.
I told my friend over drinks last night, "but the fourth of July is coming" it is my first one without kids and a chance to have a romantic evening watching the fireworks with the guy I am suppose to be with. I was suppose to have found him by now I continued on. She pointed out how I keep setting myself up to be hurt, to be let down when I make goals that I can't keep. As I point out, I do it subconsciously, but I suppose she's right.
During those almost two years it took for my divorce, I told myself and everyone else, I was not ready or going to date and instead focus on my kids and myself. I needed to find myself again as I had been so lost through all that had happened. I took off any and all pressure and until I step back and analyze it with a friend, I hadn't realized all the pressure I had placed on myself today.
By telling my friends and co workers each time I meet someone, actually was more hurtful than helpful. They are so kind and encouraging, hopeful and optimistic that I felt as though I was letting them down, failing not only my goals but their dreams for me as well. I ended feeling even worse re-explaining things to others each time a relationship has not worked out. I know they are all concerned and want me to find "the one" as much as I do, but I think including others in the beginning, just ads more unnecessary pain.
So how do I go back, or refocus, re shift my attention on me, not on finding a guy. Probably easy for many, but I don't like to focus on myself. When my kids are around, no problem, not worried. It's that every-other-weekend when I'm "kidless" that I dread. I view these weekends negatively, as "alone" weekends, when I'm unwanted and have no one to share life with. I decided I need to fill these weekends with fun plans so I no longer dread them.
Six weekends, excluding the current one, I am alone this summer. My mission is to find exciting things to fill this summer with to remember it is a wonderful gift, a treasure, rather than the sad lonely upcoming time I have been given. The extreme planner that I am, actually I read this is a trait of Virgos, imagine that! is ready to take on the planning and to keep myself focused on enjoying each weekend and not focusing on having a guy to share it with...
So I have created this blog. To give myself a goal, to give myself a new perspective and make myself accountable. No more match.com, no more searching and dreaming, or dreading that I will end up alone and sad. It is time to enjoy the summer ahead of me regardless of my single status. I am off to plan my first weekends/events and will post what I come up with, as my plans will, of course, include the amazing girlfriends in my life!!!
Oh, one side note...last night, my friend did point out, while I am refocusing on me, taking a so called "diet from dating" over the next few months, if something/someone appears on their own, I am allowed to snack...LOL...meaning, if a date pops up I can take it, but no hunting one down anymore...the focus is on Lisa and enjoying her single life!
Sunday, June 6, 2010
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