There's a reason I said I'd be happy alone. It wasn't because I thought I'd be happy alone. It was because if I thought I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It's easier to be alone, because what if you learn that you need love, and then you don't have it. What if you like it, and lean on it; what if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart. Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It's like dying. The only difference is, death ends. This, it could go on forever.
-Meredith Grey on Grey's Anatomy
Funny how as I listened along and typed the ending quote from last night's season finale, I would never have thought, in my entire life, that I would type the words I'd be happy alone. Alone was the exact opposite of where I wanted to be. I never wanted to be alone. I didn't like feeling alone. I found no joy in being alone. Why would anyone ever make a choice to be alone. I could not conceive, comprehend or any logic to go along with that statement.
Then life happened. Now, I sit here today, rereading the statement and completely understand. I still don't think we were meant to live alone on this planet. We are relational beings. We crave contact, to connect with others. We need others for support, comfort, to be there for us. To celebrate the good news and help us get through the bad. In addition, we need to feel apart of something, where we are valued, wanted, needed and loved. There is only so much self-talk one can do to pick themselves back up when they are down. We need other people to truly be okay in this life.
The idea of letting someone in. Completely trusting, having faith and confidence in them. Believing that they will always be there for you, always love you and never leave you. This concept, while it sounds like the making of a great story or movie, I don't see how I can believe in it right now. You can never be sure as to how something is going to work out. People change, or rather life changes and people react to change in ways that you don't always plan on, understand or want them too.
Trust. That's a challenge. Trusting yourself, your instincts, your gut, your own personal radar...I don't know how or why people do it anymore. How do you trust another person, knowing people are human, they error, they will mess up, they will make mistakes.
I too, have made and as a part of being human, will make mistakes again. How can someone love me when I am who I am. I misinterpret things, I hear apparently, what I want to hear at times or perhaps see things as I want to see them. How do I know when I am truly being honest with myself and others?
How does it work? Allowing someone back in. How do you find someone or rather how do they find you? I will not "shop" on match or any online site, or have my picture and profile read like a catalog ad. I am continuing on living my life. Making the most of what I have and trying not to notice any greener grass on the other side, as I know it's not. Everyone has problems they are dealing with. If it's not finding a person to share your life with, it's challenges in the relationship. If the relationship is going well, it's a job that is being lost, or someone has become ill. Life gives us challenges. Every single day there is something that changes, something we must deal with. How do we trust that things will be okay?
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Friday, May 20, 2011
You Are More
It's time. I am not ready to fall asleep yet, I'm not sure what I am suppose to say, but I know it's time to type. The season finale of Grey's and Private Practice has played out, unfortunately I missed the quote. I will search it down tomorrow, as it was in reference to why we often choose to be alone, or feel that being alone is easier. How, if we dare to let love in, we risk the chance of having it and losing it, which is one of the worst things in life, perhaps worse that death, as with death it's final. With a broken heart, you must keep going, somehow. But tonight, I'm not feeling a broken heart, I am agreeing with the fear or thought that trying to love again. I'm sure I'll be back on this topic once I have the quote from Grey's finale, onto Private Practice. This show doesn't have a final, summarizing quote as Grey's does, but there was a comment, concept that really stood out to me in this show tonight. It was "selfishness". One of the main characters told his wife she was being selfish. Why did this bother me so much, as she was, I agree with his comment. I think it's the fear that I too am being selfish in my life. I truly aim in life to be less selfish, hoping I am not being conceded and I am often stepping back and reflection on myself wondering why I become this way. Is it part of human nature? What I have a challenging time with, is separating having self-confidence, a strong self-esteem without becoming arrogant, conceded or selfish. I want to help others, make a positive difference in the world, be a better person, but not so that I get credit for it.
As I finally turned off the TV and sat here staring at the screen, the lyrics of song came into my mind and I wasn't exactly sure why, but I began my search online to quote them for you...
You are more than the choices that you've made
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes
You are more than the problems you create
You've been remade
'Cause this is not about what you've done
But what's been done for you
This is not about where you've been
But where your brokenness bring you to
-Tenth Avenue North
I've heard this song listening to Life102.5 many times lately on the radio driving to work, or running errands and it really has stood out in my mind. I don't know that I have done anything in particular that I regret. I have regretted saying things that I should have kept to myself, as I truly don't like to gossip or speak negatively about other people. I wasn't into drugs, gambling, or any other dangerous things in my past that I need forgiveness for, that I need to be remade from.
Yet, today, driving into the past, I felt as though I had been remade. I was driving to visit a friend, who lives in the house next door to where my ex husband and I built our first home. It's for sale now and her husband joked that I could buy it and move back! I don't drive into that town very often, not that anything bad happened there, ironically, it was where I lived when I got married, as we moved in the month before. It was were we brought home our first kitten, puppy and two years after our first child. I looked out of the garage, while we were talking and noticed the maple tree, which my parents gave me as a gift, grown so full and beautiful. It was 13 years ago now, but it seems like just yesterday that I was out back planting flowers when my friend had come home from the hospital with her baby girl and I couldn't get over there fast enough to hold that now 11 year old in my arms. No, we moved out of this home, into a much larger one, in the school district I had taught in, when things really changed. It was still challenging at first, driving on that street or even entering the small town, when the divorce first happened. I was so worried about what people thought of me, what people had heard. Not today though. Today, I drove calmly and confidently to visit a friend. I have been changed.
Two days ago, I was making good use of the sunshine I had between getting home from work and my children returning home on the school bus, working on the front yard landscaping, when the eighth grade girl who lives across the street came home on her bicycle. She pulled up to the curb as I asked her how she is doing and she asked me the same question. I honestly chimed in with a content "really well actually". We chatted a bit more, about her starting high school in the fall, her plans for this summer and then I tried to go back to getting a bit more weed pulling and plant/flower planting done. As I worked and later as I reflected on our brief talk, I was taken back by the way I had responded to her. I think I have been truly enjoying working on my gardens, flowers, taking pride in my home and enjoying time in the fresh air. It has given me another or a different thing to focus on while life is changing in ways I can not control. I can see the progress I am making and have control over it when I can't control other things. Last year I just didn't have the positive energy to put towards any of it. I wanted to move, to find a man to marry and start a new life with, somewhere else. A place where I didn't have the memories of being broken into, of police cars while exchanging my children. I didn't want the shame I was feeling that I was this single mom in a neighborhood of happily married families. I didn't want the looks...well, in hindsight, I think any looks or comments were probably imagined by worrisome me. I didn't want the driveway that needs repairing, the lawn that's not up to par, the garage door that won't open or old fashion oil burning furnace that needs filling. I didn't want to be judged.
Perhaps I had been selfish. Thinking that I was so special that others were taking time to comment, complain or talk about me. They didn't even know me, really still don't, but why did I think they were judging me. Or was I judging them? Why do we do this? I spent so many weekends, most of them last summer, when I didnt' have my kids away from this house as much as possible. I didn't want people to see me alone, or question what I was doing. I didn't want to have to deal with any of it, so if I just escaped...to bookstores, or coffee shops, I could make it through the weekend. What a way to live is that? I have a house, an entire house to myself and I feel ashamed? It's amazing how your mind can mess you up.
I didn't need a prince charming to come take me away to someplace better. I didn't need an escape plan. When I did need is to be remade. To sit, to stay, to be here and see it's okay. In fact, it's better than okay and I am better than just okay. I have made it officially 2 years since my divorce was final and four years this September living on my own, providing a home and many great memories during that time. I am a better person, I have been remade. I have learned that it's not about what others think of you. You can not change anyone else's opinion or view. Really, why should it matter? All I care about, is providing the best example, being the best role model for my children. Showing them by example, to do the right thing, make the right choices-even when they are extremely challenging. I am living a life I believe in. I am working at a church, helping to share God' love with children. I am working with preschoolers, to help them learn how to love, respect and work together. I am leading camps and directing a mid-week ministry to help share lessons of important lessons such as the fruits of the spirit. Helping children see, as well as parent volunteers and myself see that hope is alive. That having faith, while rather difficult at times, it will get you through. I grew up with a basic understanding of religion. We went to church, somewhat regularly, but I didn't live life the way I do now. I was born with a very strong conscious, one that has driven me crazy at times in life, but now I see it was a gift. My strong feelings, whether deep in worry or so full of joy, as intense as they can be, they too are gifts. I didn't learn about the fruits of the spirit myself until this past school year while we were teaching it to the kids through art projects and catchy songs, but what a life lesson to learn. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness and self-control as they are listed. These are what I should care about. I shouldn't be worrying about how others are viewing me. I should be spending my time making sure I am exhibiting these qualities in my own life, so that they will in turn, be echoed by others.
In the show tonight, one of the characters was trying to comfort another, by sharing the quote, "...grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference." I know this quote well, as it is hanging up on a sign in my home. Apparently I don't read it or take it's message to heart enough, or maybe in the past I didn't. As I go to bed tonight, I know there are so many things I can not change, but at least I am aware of some I can. I can be more grateful for the life, home, friends, children, pets and job that has been given to me. I have been remade and I am blessed.
As I finally turned off the TV and sat here staring at the screen, the lyrics of song came into my mind and I wasn't exactly sure why, but I began my search online to quote them for you...
You are more than the choices that you've made
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes
You are more than the problems you create
You've been remade
'Cause this is not about what you've done
But what's been done for you
This is not about where you've been
But where your brokenness bring you to
-Tenth Avenue North
I've heard this song listening to Life102.5 many times lately on the radio driving to work, or running errands and it really has stood out in my mind. I don't know that I have done anything in particular that I regret. I have regretted saying things that I should have kept to myself, as I truly don't like to gossip or speak negatively about other people. I wasn't into drugs, gambling, or any other dangerous things in my past that I need forgiveness for, that I need to be remade from.
Yet, today, driving into the past, I felt as though I had been remade. I was driving to visit a friend, who lives in the house next door to where my ex husband and I built our first home. It's for sale now and her husband joked that I could buy it and move back! I don't drive into that town very often, not that anything bad happened there, ironically, it was where I lived when I got married, as we moved in the month before. It was were we brought home our first kitten, puppy and two years after our first child. I looked out of the garage, while we were talking and noticed the maple tree, which my parents gave me as a gift, grown so full and beautiful. It was 13 years ago now, but it seems like just yesterday that I was out back planting flowers when my friend had come home from the hospital with her baby girl and I couldn't get over there fast enough to hold that now 11 year old in my arms. No, we moved out of this home, into a much larger one, in the school district I had taught in, when things really changed. It was still challenging at first, driving on that street or even entering the small town, when the divorce first happened. I was so worried about what people thought of me, what people had heard. Not today though. Today, I drove calmly and confidently to visit a friend. I have been changed.
Two days ago, I was making good use of the sunshine I had between getting home from work and my children returning home on the school bus, working on the front yard landscaping, when the eighth grade girl who lives across the street came home on her bicycle. She pulled up to the curb as I asked her how she is doing and she asked me the same question. I honestly chimed in with a content "really well actually". We chatted a bit more, about her starting high school in the fall, her plans for this summer and then I tried to go back to getting a bit more weed pulling and plant/flower planting done. As I worked and later as I reflected on our brief talk, I was taken back by the way I had responded to her. I think I have been truly enjoying working on my gardens, flowers, taking pride in my home and enjoying time in the fresh air. It has given me another or a different thing to focus on while life is changing in ways I can not control. I can see the progress I am making and have control over it when I can't control other things. Last year I just didn't have the positive energy to put towards any of it. I wanted to move, to find a man to marry and start a new life with, somewhere else. A place where I didn't have the memories of being broken into, of police cars while exchanging my children. I didn't want the shame I was feeling that I was this single mom in a neighborhood of happily married families. I didn't want the looks...well, in hindsight, I think any looks or comments were probably imagined by worrisome me. I didn't want the driveway that needs repairing, the lawn that's not up to par, the garage door that won't open or old fashion oil burning furnace that needs filling. I didn't want to be judged.
Perhaps I had been selfish. Thinking that I was so special that others were taking time to comment, complain or talk about me. They didn't even know me, really still don't, but why did I think they were judging me. Or was I judging them? Why do we do this? I spent so many weekends, most of them last summer, when I didnt' have my kids away from this house as much as possible. I didn't want people to see me alone, or question what I was doing. I didn't want to have to deal with any of it, so if I just escaped...to bookstores, or coffee shops, I could make it through the weekend. What a way to live is that? I have a house, an entire house to myself and I feel ashamed? It's amazing how your mind can mess you up.
I didn't need a prince charming to come take me away to someplace better. I didn't need an escape plan. When I did need is to be remade. To sit, to stay, to be here and see it's okay. In fact, it's better than okay and I am better than just okay. I have made it officially 2 years since my divorce was final and four years this September living on my own, providing a home and many great memories during that time. I am a better person, I have been remade. I have learned that it's not about what others think of you. You can not change anyone else's opinion or view. Really, why should it matter? All I care about, is providing the best example, being the best role model for my children. Showing them by example, to do the right thing, make the right choices-even when they are extremely challenging. I am living a life I believe in. I am working at a church, helping to share God' love with children. I am working with preschoolers, to help them learn how to love, respect and work together. I am leading camps and directing a mid-week ministry to help share lessons of important lessons such as the fruits of the spirit. Helping children see, as well as parent volunteers and myself see that hope is alive. That having faith, while rather difficult at times, it will get you through. I grew up with a basic understanding of religion. We went to church, somewhat regularly, but I didn't live life the way I do now. I was born with a very strong conscious, one that has driven me crazy at times in life, but now I see it was a gift. My strong feelings, whether deep in worry or so full of joy, as intense as they can be, they too are gifts. I didn't learn about the fruits of the spirit myself until this past school year while we were teaching it to the kids through art projects and catchy songs, but what a life lesson to learn. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness and self-control as they are listed. These are what I should care about. I shouldn't be worrying about how others are viewing me. I should be spending my time making sure I am exhibiting these qualities in my own life, so that they will in turn, be echoed by others.
In the show tonight, one of the characters was trying to comfort another, by sharing the quote, "...grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference." I know this quote well, as it is hanging up on a sign in my home. Apparently I don't read it or take it's message to heart enough, or maybe in the past I didn't. As I go to bed tonight, I know there are so many things I can not change, but at least I am aware of some I can. I can be more grateful for the life, home, friends, children, pets and job that has been given to me. I have been remade and I am blessed.
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