What do you want to be when you grow up?

What do you want to be when you grow up?  I remember being asked this question many times over the years.  An author, I think was my first plan, I wanted to be famous and help people through my stories, but I didn't want to be rock-star or TV-star famous because, I remember thinking, then I'd have to spend too much time away from my family.  A mom, to have a family, that has always ranked right up there from before I can remember.  An artist had crossed my mind, but I remember the exact fear that came with that.  I recall sitting in the high school guidance conselor's office, as he was commenting on how creative I was, I pointed out, that I can't count on that...how can I be sure when I wake up tomorrow I will still be creative?  It's a valid thought I still have at times today.

I went to college, as it was just expected in our home, undeclared as I really wasn't sure.  I remember I took an intro to social work course, world religion class, drawing, and a few others that first semester.  Many people from my high school were convince I was going to be a teacher, but I wasn't sure that was what I wanted to do...my mom was a teacher and she made it clear that I shouldn't go into the field...as she would tell others later on...I warned her!  But the personality tests all pointed me in that direction.  I remember thinking my high school art teacher was funny to suggest teaching art to young children, how great I would be at it.  I was convinced I'd never be talented enough to do that.

So I made it through college, graduated with a double major in elementary education and art education.  Not even a week out of school, I was blessed with my first teaching job.  I taught in the classroom for 5 years until my daughter was born and then returned part time the following year.  I felt like an awful mother not be a full time, stay-at-home mom, as my mother had done during my first years, especially since my husband at the time made more than enough for me to stay at home.  So after that year, I took a year leave and ended up remaining at home.  Well, those who knew me or know me now, know that I could sit still around the house for long.  I spent time planning holiday parties for other children ranging from Luau's, Easter Egg Hunts, May Day/May Pole Parties and more.  I had clipped and save Family Fun Magazine ideas from my college days and had a binder full of ideas to use.  Our basement was an interactive playroom and my life/world revolved around my kids...until divorceland hit.

When I was faced with having to go back to work, what would I do?  I had a kindergartener and a three year old child.  I couldn't imagine going back to teaching full time and not seeing them...not to mention all the time I would have had to take off for court dates over that almost two years it took for the divorce.  I was blessed to be offered a part time job at a church I had just started attending and ironically, the Pastor I had been speaking a bit with about my divorce was overseeing the children ministry at the time.  I began at 15 hours, overseeing a birth-three ministry which I could bring my son with most of the time, while I worked.  Soon, they asked me to take on additional roles, bringing me up to enough hours for me to qualify for insurance by the time my divorce was finally finalized.

Since I began my work at church, I did apply for a few different full time teaching jobs, back in the public schools, but apparently it was not the place I was meant to be.  Not to mention how much teaching has changed in the past 10 years since I left it.

So, this past year, when I could no longer count on my child support to make ends meet along with my job, I started going back to that question.  What do you want to be when you grow up?

It's apparently a common questions for people in their 30s/40s as I have heard many others recently asking themselves the same thing.  Maybe it is a group of us who did leave one career to take care of young children...or just getting to a point in our lives that we are thinking we are ready for a change.

Ha, change.  There is that word again.  It's amazing how things change isn't it.  I haven't blogged for awhile now, as change isn't always easy to write about.  Last time I wrote, seeing my ex, not even looking like himself.  It still is hard to think about.  Since then, my parents surprised the kids and I and took us (well, technically my sister's frequent flyer miles took us) to Florida, to Disney and LEGOLAND, not to mention a chance to see the ocean, as my sister was sent their to work for six months.

I haven't typed, as I didn't realize how much the trip would impact me emotionally.  As a child, heck, even in college and when I first became a teacher, I was always know as one of the biggest Disney fans.  I drew images of Mickey back when I first learned how to draw...I went to Disney with my parents and sister four times growing up, if you include the last trip when I was in college and I think my sister was a senior or junior in high school.  I remember fantasizing how I would get married in Disney someday or at least have our honeymoon there.  My family was doing quit well at this point, financially, and we spent part of our stay at the Grand Floridian hotel...one of the fanciest ones there.  I remember the amazing plush robes, the individual beach cabanas...

I went again after my husband and I were first married...he had to go to the area for work and we went a weekend early so we could go to Disney for a couple days and I still a dreamer, a believer in the Disney Magic...beaming that one day we'd be bringing our children here....
Well, my daughter did go to the Magic Kingdom, as we flew to Florida one year when my parents were staying in a time-share and my daughter was about 3, in the height of believing in all the Disney Princesses...my son, only about 6 months old, spent the day with my parents, while my ex-husband and I took my daughter to the Magic Kingdom for a day.  The pictures, the scrapbook...it will take me right back to her beaming smiles at the Princess dinner, the fireworks lighting up in her eyes.

After my divorce, I never imagined I'd go back.  The magic, the believing in happily ever after...after what all happened in my world, my 'Disney Magic", well, it's just not there anymore.  When my parents called and said they wanted to take my kids to Disney, and if I could make it work, I could come too (that's another story for another time)...I was in an odd mix of emotion.  I didn't know if I wanted to go relieve those memories, to go to what is suppose to be a place where dreams come true, while my dreams have felt far from it.  Not having enough money to pay the bills...not even getting the unemployment child support checks I had to the past few months and with the holidays coming up.  I didn't know what to say, other than, I can't afford to go.  They knew this and said they see if they could make it work.  Well, they did and we went.  The kids, of course, loved the trip.  I loved seeing the kids full of joy.  It was exhausting, as four parks of Disney in two days sure are, but still a good thing too.  I made it.  I made it into the Grand Floridian, as my parents wanted to show the kids where we once stayed and watched fireworks while eating ice cream from a table outside.  I was filled such mixed emotions...watching all those around me...so many people with so much money.  Sometimes I just don't understand how our world works.

How do some people live Disney lives?  I realize we all have problems...but how is it one goes from The Grand Floridian, to not enough to buy McDonald's or Culver's some weeks.  It's not that I overspent or mis-spent money.  When you have went through a year, or even just a few months not having enough money for gas or food to get through a week, you wonder why things work the way they do.

I sat here tonight, watching a movie on TV, thinking how blessed I am to have a TV, a heated home, gifts to give my children now for Christmas...things I wasn't sure I'd have not long ago and wonder why?  My daughter, now in Middle School, questions why I don't have a job that pays more money...so we can go on vacations, or buy iPods and such.  I don't know exactly what that job would be anyway.  Surely going back to teaching wouldn't do it.  Currently, working 40 hours at church, tutoring twice a week and working on getting my Arbonne business, that's not enough either.  I know, dedication, determination...but why do others make the money they do?  What am I missing out on?

I am blessed, that with my current job situation, I can be here for my children and that is most important to me right now.  Trying to be two parents...well no, trying to be the best one parent I can be for them...be there to help my son with homework....to listen to my daughter when she's willing to talk about her day at school.  To know who their friends are, their interests, their fears and their joys.  That is worth more than vacations or owning our home anymore.  But some days, not to be self-ish, but I just have to question why doesn't the finical part have to be so hard. Am I missing something?

I have been so blessed the past few weeks, with Christmas Cards, generous gifts, one anonymous, so that I could get gifts for my children.  I realize I have a hard time accepting the fact that I cant' do it all.  I can't give my kids all that I want to right now it life.  I selfishly would have loved to take my kids to Disney or anywhere for that matter, on a trip with my own funds, but reality is, I guess, right now it's not an option.  So I made the best of what we did.  I sucked up my pride, sat in the back seat of my parents Buick as we rode to the airport.  A week or two ago, I again, almost cried as I saw the money along with an amazing letter, letting me know how my light shines on so many others, giving them hope and filling the lives of so many children with joy.  I have that right by my bed so I can see it every day.  When I feel like I am not doing what I am suppose to be in life, not making tons of money, not finding the man I should marry...I look at that letter and am reminded, apparently I am doing something right. 

When asked, what do you want to be when you grow up?  No one ever answers and I never dreamed I 'd say, "A single mom, without child support, trying to make ends meet."  I was convinced I would live the Disney Fairytale...grow up and get married, have children and live happily ever after.  Well, maybe I wasn't dealt that hand, but at least I am making the best life I can with the current cards that have been given to me.

Connections

Derek: We know that every connection matters. Every connection is crucial and when one is broken, it usually means that the damage has been done. This system of connection compels us to act, choose and behave... sometimes seemingly against our own will, but it is not random at all. It is the map of who we are. We will work to understand ourselves... solve the puzzle of how all the connections work and how all the pieces fit. 

Grey's Oct. 24, Season 10


Connections in the brain, as spoken of in the quote above, or in our own lives, are amazing aren't they.  When we step back and reflect on how all the connections, the people, the situations fit together like puzzle pieces to form our lives. 

The recent book I am reading, The 12 Invaluable Laws of Growth, by John C. Maxwell stresses the importance of stepping back and reflecting on change in our lives, actions in our lives in order to grow and learn from them.  Change is a constant in our lives.  We can not run from it, hide from it, avoid it...we can chose to ignore it, deny that it is happening, but then we are unable to learn from it, to grow.  We need to take the time, make the time to step back and ask why things happened, what did I or could I learn from all of this?  If not, we are likely to repeat the same mistakes in different ways, to wonder why things are not getting better, why life isn't improving.  Then again, it's all a matter of perspective.

The last time I posted, my son had just began his fall flag football season.  The coach, the dad of not only a boy on his team, but the boy that lives across the street from my ex...who's mom and step-dad were the two that were connected to my divorce...his step-dad, for years was my ex husband's best friend.  It was in their house that my ex first moved out of our too...it was this boys' mom who introduced my ex to the women he cheated on me with towards the end of our marriage.  It was in his garage, that my ex hid tons of our personal possessions from me as well as the legal man who priced and divided up our belongings...it was this boys mom who also told me about all the awful things going on two years ago while my kids were in my ex's placement on weekends...she who talked to the police when one of the times he threatened my life and she who would not talk to child protective services as my ex was threatening her if she did. 

Yes, I sat right next to these parents at each flag football game this fall (the season is over now, thus I am more able to type about it)...and oddly, anyone else seated near us would have never imagined all of our history together.

They did share, during one of the first games, while my son was out on the field and unable to hear our conversations, that my ex husband is no longer their friend.  That after this past summer, when they had called the police on him...thus the disorderly conduct in July, and all the times he was driving while under the influence after that...they have given up on him...if that's the way to put it.  They explained that none of the bars/restaurants, including the grocery store, in their town, will serve him liquor anymore and thus he was driving to our town to purchase it.  They explained that they are convinced he can not live alone, that he will no longer ever be able to hold a job and even that his mother asked him (my ex's former best friend) to sign a document to have him taken away to a mental institutions for the rest of his life.  He explained his doctor, psychologist, psychiatrist were all ready to sign it and needed one more signature.  Knowing how revenge filled and vindictive my ex can be, he said he wouldn't sign it in fear for his life if he ever knew he had.

It was a lot to hear, to take in, to absorb while I sat watching my son shining out on the football field.  I also found out that the former neighbor I am speaking of, speaks with my ex's mom every so often as she lives out of town and checks in with him to see how my ex is doing.  Confusing and odd, I know...that an entire longer story for another time.  Why I even bring it up, is because it was through this neighbor, step dad of the boy on my son's football team, that contacted my ex's mom about coming to see my son play a game apparently.

I had not seen my ex since prior to gaining full placement of the children in February.  He called only once at the start of June to speak to them and I got a voice mail on my phone from his mom, my old mother-in-law, stating that she was going to be bringing him to watch my son play football.  She said she had spoken with his lawyer and as long as he kept his distance, didn't come near me, he could legally do so.  Well, we were out of town/missed that game as I called back and let her know, but also told her they had one more game left the following week.  I hadn't heard a thing and weather took it's part and the last game was canceled/rescheduled for a weeknight due to rain.  That was when I received a call/message from my ex that he indeed was there and had the game been cancelled.  It was then I realized he really was coming and sure enough was there that following Tuesday for the final game.

My daughter usually chose to stay home during her brother's flag football games, but I let her know that her dad MIGHT be there...I didn't even tell my son as I didn't want to get his hopes up and then have him let down.  Sure enough, just as they were warming up, a slightly familiar from a distance much older, weather version of my ex husband appeared.  (I had been warned by my old neighbors that he put on lots of weight and didn't look too good these days...)  My daughter turn to me excited and confused, "Is that Dad?"  Sure enough it was and any lost hair, weight, wrinkles, gray/while scruff of a beard...she didn't see any of that...it was her dad and it was amazing that evening, during the hour of that game how much of a remember how love for a parent can be so unconditional and blind to anything.  She talked, almost non-stop to him as her brother played on the field...he kept looking over, beaming with joy and waving when he could at his dad.  They saw him briefly in February and over a year ago in July was his last supervised placement.  My daughter asked about her cat at his place, asked if he has to sell the house (which he had an odd answer for, seeing as though he's been out of work for a year)....she showed off her gymnastic moves and when my son was on the sidelines, hugged him and asked about the video games at his place.  When the game was over and my son couldn't stop hugging his dad...I couldn't look up at him, my ex...as the brief moment I did...I saw he was welling up with tears.  Just as he had almost done while I once during the game, politely asked about his new job that his mother claimed he had during her phone message.  He let me know that when they did their background check, they didn't hire him.   His mother's call was quite upbeat and optimistic, explaining that my ex had been sober 40 maybe? days and had a new job and was doing so well.  I have learned enough from the past to know that does not mean anything at this point.

So here, my ex had parked right next to us and as we all four oddly walked back to go, my ex was going on about how maybe the kids could come over and play this weekend or next, going on about the video games he still had and had got for my son to play.  Knowing, in my mind as I listened that, that was not going to be happening anytime soon but hanging in there for the kids.  As they each gave one more giant hug to him, got in our minivan, I did everything I could to avoid eye contact with him.  I know he is such a lost soul, but I also know, from reflecting, learning and growing that it is not my job to save him.

We haven't heard a word from him since.  I didn't think we would.  After a few days, the kids stopped bringing him up.  I received...a few days late this week, the child support amount I have been receiving based on his unemployment check still, so I know he is still alive.  Sadly, that is what I am fearing dealing with the change of/emotions of.  Getting a call that he has passed away...as the nurse/mom of the son on the football team/former neighbor I have been speaking of, also said, if he keeps drinking like he has been, the toxicology reports back earlier in the year gave him less than a year to live...not to mention that she is convinced that he is on some kind of medication for schizophrenia...which would explain all the weight gain...she has commented a number of times that she really thinks that is what he has some form of along with being bi-polar...which on medicine is one thing...but with alcohol and/or drugs and not always taking meds...is rather scary.

What is also scary is the fact all of the genetics from him, his family and my own....mixed together are in my children.  At times this causes me to worry...but I am working on my "self-talk", reminding myself I have no control over that.  Only how I parent, how I chose to react, help and nurture them in their lives.

As for my life, our life...although we are connected to him, to the former neighbor is one way, it's amazing how time has changed...both the situation as well as how I perceive things.  I chose, on my own, during the last few practices and games, to sit right next to these two individuals, as the person I am today is not who I was when I first met them.  I am living in the present and currently our connection is about our sons on the same football team.

Connections in live are a funny, odd, thing aren't they?  Here, two weeks ago, home in town finally did sell.  I didn't know that is was going through until the afternoon before and it was explained I didn't even need to meet the buyers...just to come in and sign the paper work.  Odd how it was the same week that I had this experience I just described seeing my ex again.  Emotional overload for me that week.  I literally signed and watched a women stamp a dozen papers and they said that's it.  I went from there, to sit at a local coffee shop and journal...try to, about what all just happened.  My parents had asked me to call them when the house was sold so they could celebrate too...but when the realtor seated next to me said, "well, that's it...how does it feel?"  My response, that kind of surprised me, as it came out of my mouth from a bit of no-where, was, "Like I failed."  I explained that the fact that I wasn't able to keep the house on my own was what I meant, but at the same time, I realize a lot of the circumstances involved I had no control over.  I wrote about it at the coffee shop and decided I wasn't ready to publish that entry as a blog post yet.  Then I received a call that afternoon, while driving home, from my sponsor in Arbonne...which on a side note, is going quite well...but what took me off guard, was when I mentioned that I had officially signed off on the house that morning, she questioned how I was feeling about that.  I explained my first reaction to the realtor, but then said, it is what it is.  We are where we need to be right now.  She then said, "Well, I have something interesting to share about that...I spent that day in the house painting...my sister is the one who bought it."  Small world, of connections again.  I guess she thought it was best not to let me know until the sale was done.  I apologized, that was my first reaction to her comments, as I said, I know the house needs work, but I just couldn't afford to do what it needed.  She said she didn't care and that her sister was just so happy to be in a home instead of a two bedroom apartment with her son, boyfriend and his two boys there part time.  I guess it really is all a matter of perspective isn't it.

So today, I sit with a day off...well more a day to catch up on laundry, cleaning, prepping for our 12th annual Halloween kids party tomorrow night that as much as I wasn't sure about keeping the tradition going, my kids sure are.  When my daughter was only 1/2 a year old and I had two other mom's with toddlers over in their costumes, the tradition began.  Twelve years...amazing how many changes have happened in that time.  Amazing that six years ago my divorce kicked off a month and a day ago.  I have to wonder if I'll ever be able to look at September 21 and 24 the same way again.  I realize it's all how I chose to view it.

I received a kind birthday card last month, after my last post.  It was a friend I made in college, working at the YMCA Summer Kids Camps together...she was in my wedding...has been in my world for quite awhile, as plump and pregnant with my son I was also in hers...and after that she moved to Texas and so on...but through technology we have reconnected...that and the fact neither of us miss a birthday or Christmas card to each other!  Why I bring up the card, was her comments took me a bit off guard as she wrote, "So glad to see life going well for you again..."  The day I received and read it, I was taken back wondering how she thought things were well...but then again...when I reflected and put things in the past year, six years in perspective...

I have full placement of my children...they are safe, loved and having the best childhood possible with the circumstance we have been given.  I have a good job, a side job tutoring and now a home business, Arbonne, growing both in financial success as well as in my personal growth.  We have a roof over our head that I don't have to worry about us losing as I did a year ago at this time.  I found a way (made a way) for us to get a new puppy/dog this spring after having to go through the loss of our other two dogs last year.  We are growing and changing here, but in good ways.  Yes, I guess all things considered things are going well...some days better than others...but I do get the connection she was making in her card.   I understand a lot of connections and changes in our life now and know we still have more to come and learn through.

Good things come...

Good things come to those who believe, better things come to those who are patient and the best things come to those who don't give up.

Here I sit, a year older and one can only hope wiser, as I pick out a quote from my Creating Joy posts to share to reflect the past year of my life.  I am in a different house, but now it is feeling more like home. I have a new puppy and a new kitten in my life and each day appreciate the unconditional love they bring to my children as well as myself.  I have less in my bank account than ever before, but have a new appreciation that I could only feel if I lived the life I have lived this past year.  I have an uncertain future, but still have faith that things will continue to get better.

I am able to honestly say I am not the person I was a year ago, and would hardly recognize the person I was 6 years ago when the journey into Divorceland began.  I could never have imagined, and those who know me, know my vivid imagination, that my life would take all the twists and turns it has, but it is through these struggles that I have grown.  I no longer look for a man to complete me, to provide for our family, to determine my self-esteem...I don't ask others to help me make my decisions, but have confidence in myself, value who I have become am proud of how I am living my life as an example of not giving up to my children.

I have found the ability to self talk myself out of those "negative voices" that still pop up from my past and all though I can't always get them to go away on my own, I now have resources to go to, my journal, friends, exercise...to work through them.

I proved to myself yesterday, literally, that I am able to talk to parts of my past as my past and can separate that from who I am today.  Yesterday, as I knew was unavoidable in a smaller village, I faced my ex's neighbors, and former best friend.  The man and his now wife, who stood by his side during everything, who introduced him to the women he cheated on me with during our marriage, the man who drove up with my ex while we had exchanges of children for placement at the police station, the women who was, a few years was telling me the awful conditions at my old home where my kids would stay when with their father, yet not share this with police or lawyers to help me at the time.

I didn't shake, break out into a sweat, bring a friend for support, I arrived, and calmly spoke, as if we were simply parents with boys on the same flag football team.  As I mentioned, I have changed.  As my daughter had stayed home and my son was on the field playing most of the game, I knew it was inevitable for us to talk.  I knew, from speaking with my former next-door neighbors, that recently moved out of the old neighborhood, that they were no longer close with my ex and both were  convinced he was not well.  After hearing a week ago about a situation my ex was in back in July, which explained the jail time and Disorderly Conduct charge, I found out yesterday that it was indeed the reason why they were no longer speaking/friends.  As he was now threatening their life as he had done with mine in the past.  He had been on binges on and off since I last heard about him in February, has not worked and when had interviews set up, he got drunk that day and didn't attend them.  His old friend shared how he is almost twice the size he use to be in weight, that I would hardly recognize him and even when he is not drunk, he doesn't talk to you, it's like he's not there...they say he goes in spurts of taking his medicine and his mom calls them, across the street weekly to check in/on him as she lives in a different town.  His friend shared that he now realizes he never really knew who his best friend was and discovered his had lied about so much...even to the point when we were talking he shared that my ex smokes now and always swore to him that he'd never smoke, putting down him for it.  I looked at him funny and said he smoke for years, use to hide it from me in college, but would collect those 'Camel dollars' and get items for his dorm or apartment.  Once again his old friend and wife looked at each other in disbelief.  The two of them had said, the exact thing that I heard my ex's sister share back in December when she had called me, he can't live alone and separate from the drinking/drug use, he is just not mentally stable.  Trying to diagnose him from mental health classes she had been taking earning her nursing degree, she said she is convinced he has more than just bi-polar disorder, which I have been told before too...all I can say is once I got home with my son, made sure he had a snack/drink, I got my puppy (well, now 6 month old, but I'm still calling her a puppy) and went out for a good power walk to try and process all that was racing through my mind.  They had told me, based on the last few toxicology reports they have him dead in less than a year if he keeps up as he has been...how do you listen to someone tell you this about the man you use to love, who you spent over 15 years of your life with?  The father of your children...even if he hasn't acted like one for years now.  She had made the comment that he is almost like the man in the movie, "A Beautiful Mind", which I agreed, he was so smart, so intelligent when he used it the right way. 

I told the two of them I just pray for him as I don't know what else to do.  After hearing about the situation where he was shaking and sweating uncontrollably, walking into a neighbor's house uninvited asking for a drink...hearing the local stores and bars will no longer sell him alcohol, which explains why he was seen driving to the edge of the town I live in to purchase it...to hear his only friend his had left is no longer in his life.  What do you do?

I kept telling myself, he is no longer my problem, my worry, that I tried to save him and there is nothing more I can do but keep our kids safe, loved and pray that he finds a way out of this, yet I don't see how that can or will happen anymore.  I walk faster and focus on that furry face smiling up at me at the other end of the leash and try and refocus on where I am now and that I am no longer in that world.

The world I am in now is still in the hope, believe that things will get better and be grateful each day when they do.  We have our old house, that the day the bank called to say we will have to start the foreclosure process, I hear a third offer has come in (the last two both fell through far through the process)...and still has a closing date, is now next month instead of next week.  Until this is done I can't get the credit card companies to stop calling as I can't come up with a consolidation plan until the house is out of my name and I don't have to pay bill on it as well as here.  This will be one step closer to things getting better.

I have, in addition to my current full time job I enjoy at church, taken on tutoring as well as the start of a side business.  I have a few friends that have found great success with the Arbonne health and wellness home business. After doing much more research, I discovered I can start my own without having to keep inventory or invest any more than I already have by being a wholesale buyer for the last four years.  I began the last week and a half of August and already have found success, being in qualification for District Manager by the end of that month.  I am already half way to my goal for this month and it's only the 8th of September.  My parents, who those who know me, know how they are skeptical and over analyze everything, searched and researched and think this may actually be an option that may work to provide additional income for the kids and I.  I am taking the attitude that anything can help at this point, I am staying optimistic with the attitude that I will give it a year of my energy and see what happens.  I am learning already what a great personal growth company it is and I for one, could still use more of that.  I have already have two wonderful friends on my team and it appears to be growing this month as well.  I am excited to be able to put positive energy toward hope in something instead of fear towards the future.

I am also so proud of my children, as they adjusted so well to the start of Middle School and third grade.  Over the past week or so, I have received complements from a couple different people about how kind, happy, how wonderful they are, which when you are parenting on your own, sometime you have to wonder if you are really doing what's best...at least you know you are doing the best you can and hope for the best.

For the upcoming year, I am facing it with a different level of hope, patience and calm that I am still taking things day by day, but our "new" family (a new kitten entered our world last month as well...as the kid know a pair of any animal is my limit...so yes some day when finances are better as well as being out of the puppy phase a new puppy may pass our way too)...our new family and new home, with great supportive friends and parents that are 'learning' some forms of boundaries...we are ok and the year ahead will be okay.  I have faced many things this past year, I didn't know how I would get through, and while a little more slow to trust the future, I do have faith that things are going to be okay.  That things are okay and as my quote began, with time and patients things will continue to get better.

7/7 at 1:23

I have always loved the joy in funny number combinations. Friends know I so wanted my daughter to be born on 02/02/02 and that my favorite time is 12:34 with 11:11 coming in at a close second. As I kept looking over at the clock, unable to sleep in bed, I finally got up and started surfing online. Then, I posted "I hate it when my optimism gets lost and I can't sleep". That is the truth isn't it. When you are up late at night, things can look so gloomy. Your mind and replay conversations of the day, events of the past week and won't let you let them go. I guess that is why people journal, blog or both.

The main thing right now, is that I can't understand how I ended up where I am. As my sister flew home today, I realize I haven't flown anywhere since I went to visit her the spring before our divorce started, which was 2006. How does a person go from traveling to New York, Texas, Arizona, Florida and Texas again in less than four years no longer know when the day or if the day will ever come to be able to stay overnight in a hotel in Green Bay, let alone fly again. Where did the Green Bay comment come from you ask? Just me festering over a phone conversation with my parents from earlier this evening.

As my sister was in town this past week, my parents took her to the airport today and the kids and I spent the entire day around home. Which, after having a busier week, should be fine, but anyone who has a week with a relative they only see twice a year, a person who likes to have plans on the calendar and fun things to look forward too, well, they can't help it but feel a little down once the week is done. So, to try and cheer myself up, I started looking at fun ideas for my son and I to do in August as my daughter is going to be out of town with a friend for a week. I had mentioned to him about going to see the Green Bay Packers Stadium, as even though we has been there, he was probably about one and a half years, so he doesn't remember it. I started searching online this afternoon and discovered a family day is coming up, actually during the exact time my daughter would be gone and the tickets didn't cost too much. I didn't actually purchase them, but found where Ticketmaster would have seats if I did and had excitement back in my voice for the afternoon. Then, my parents called. They explained went on about how exhausted they were from having company and were trying to rest up and had asked what we had been up to today. When I brought up my great idea, they immediately popped my bubble of joy. They explained that if we went, where would we stay overnight when the game was done? I explained I already check and it was 3 hours 3 minutes according to my navigation device and I could just drive as my son sleeps, as I am a night owl. Well that was just ridiculous to them, as it would be unsafe, too exhausting and on...then the fact that the tickets were only $10, that I would have to spend money on gas, food at the game, that I am just not in a position to be spending money like that. They continued, why not wait until next year, when 'hopefully' you won't be in such dire conditions. Hopefully you can turn things around a little bit by then. They continued on that they knew just how I felt and how difficult it was not to have money when I was a child and my mom was a stay-at-home mom, how they would just by the cheeseburger at McDonalds and drink milk at home (if Dad reminds me of that story one more time I think I might lose it)...how they never had any money to do things so they were creative and made their own fun, like going on picnics in parks. Yes, well, I have heard that non-stop for the past how many years of my life now?

I explained that they couldn't know EXACTLY how I feel, as they had each other. Oh, well not exactly, but we had to live off of nothing for years and we were able to make it work...again, I pointed out that they had each other. My mom's response (did I mention that when my parents talk on the phone they BOTH have to be on a line at their house...ug)...my mom said, "Well, maybe someday you'll have enough money to spend $30 a month on Match.com like your sister is". Yah, that made me feel all better and made all my problems go away...thanks mom. (Typed with extreme sarcasm.)

Well, after internally fuming for quite awhile this evening, I came to the conclusion that I really don't have the money to stay overnight in a hotel in Green Bay right now and as much as I would like to be able to take my son to a fun day or two somewhere, reality is I just can't. One of the things my Dad said is true...if I can get my old house sold, not having to pay the insurance, utilities, etc. each month on it will help some. It was just frustrating too, when the letter for dance classes that my daughter really wants to take, came in the mail this week too and my daughter was talking about it around my parents and sister. They, of course, were pointing out that when I was a kid, they never were able to afford to send me to dance class, nor my sister....although we also brought up I never went to any camps, yet my sister went to two summers of College for Kids, two Tennis Camps, two Space Camp and one Space Academy Camp (which she received college credit for while she was still in high school...back then it very rare to hear of)....oh and I was reminded that she took some type of flying camp/class as she got to go up in a plane too...somewhere in Northern Wisconsin...but I digress....the point was, I should not even be considering any dance classes for her. When we were at the baseball game the evening before, and ran into our neighbors across the street, they were commenting on how well my daughter was dancing/cheering and asked if she has been in dance/takes dance classes. Funny they brought that up, as I explained I just got the registration information for it for the fall and it's looking like it will be too much. Right away, she said, well that's when grandparents come in handy! I looked at her, as I know she's only known me and my family for a few months and said, yah that's not going to happen. I didn't dare tell her a few weeks ago when we were living off of less than $20 for the week and barely had enough money for groceries....my parents knew this and said they thought it was a good lesson for me.

Yah, not sure what I did to "deserve" all these lessons in my life right now. I was thinking more about if I were to get another job somehow...any minimum wage hours would just be taken away in child care costs as my daughter, being old enough to stay home for awhile with my son, after a hour or two, that's about all they can take right now. I know my parents have 'said' they'd help, but I know they were SO exhausted just being around the kids this week...one of the days, they made it clear that we were not coming over. I liked it one day, when I was talking with my daughter about making some kind of art I could sell...her response around my family one time this week was that, "Mom just needs to start selling art work like Picasso and then we'll have plenty of money for bills and stuff!" If it was only that easy.

The other thing I keep reflecting on from this week of a bit too much time with family, apparently. Is that I don't understand how I want to do things, be active, go a walks, got to the beach or State Parks, it doesn't have to cost money, but to just have plans, get up and out of the house and do things. They all think I have 'issues', not understanding why I can't just sit around and watch TV and relax. Well yah, for a couple hours maybe, but then I feel guilty that I am not being productive. I am not sure now where that comes from as I look and see my parents exhausted from a two hour trip to the zoo, or just an evening with the kids over playing board games. Apparently doing more than one thing in a day was just out of the question. From just having my sister over this past week, their own daughter and not other guests, they are going to have to recouporate for all of it. I just don't see how I am related to them in that way. I also felt odd growing up just sitting around the house all weekend for so many weekends, I just hated it. Oh well, everyone different, or at least I sure am.

So the fact that the banks are still trying to decide on what offer they'll take, if they'll take one of them on my old place and the fact that I haven't started creating my Pablo Picasso masterpieces yet...lead us to have to make it through the rest of the summer close to home. Which is not a bad thing, it's just how and when my parents pointed it out. I don't have to spend money to have fun, to find things to do, but it does help a little.

  Going through a whirlwind of working as a teacher full time, with a spouse making good money...to being a full time stay at home mom with my spouse making REALLY good money, to divorceland.....still getting child support, but going back to work part-time, then full time as my son began Kindergarten. To not having support...how does one go from dining at Steakhouse that cost a ridiculous amount of money, to not having enough for all three of us to go to Culvers? It's just odd. When you can't sleep at night, it just doesn't make sense.

Yes, the kids and I are in a much better place emotionally no longer being married and having full placement o f the children. Yes, I have gained an entirely different perspective on money, shopping, life. As I told my friend out by her campfire on the 4th, it's amazing isn't it, how I am hardly the person I was five or seven years ago. As I was reflecting with her on all the big 4th of July kids parties I had through since my daughter was born up until the divorce. They always had such a great turn out and I loved planning them. She had been to almost all of them and said she had thought about me earlier that day, wondering how I was doing with all that. I really don't have a choice.

Life is what it is right now. I can't change what all has happened to me, I can only look forward. Easy to type or tell others, another thing to actually do. I know when I finally do get some sleep, things won't look so bad in the morning. Some of the many positive quotes I repost on Facebook will really sink in that I need to focus on the positive and take one day at a time. I know that, although I can try not to look back on the past, it's really hard not to some days. Knowing we had no troubles going to Door County or Green Bay for get a-ways not too long ago. That I use to sit up at night in a huge home, facing a State Park with an amazing view and not have to worry about which bills I was going to pay next, or what I will come up with for the kids and I to do the following week that will be fun, get us out of the house, but not cost any money. I would never have imagined I would be sitting her typing where I am at now back then. But I also know, I was not truly filled with joy. I knew my husband rather hang out in the garage drinking beer or rum with our neighbor, than spend time with me. I knew that I wasn't really appreciated or loved as I should have been. I knew I wanted my kids to have a dad that was around to spend time with them, not off working each night or at the local bar. I knew things weren't all okay, deep down I knew...but when you have all that money, you can paint a picture that things are much better than they were.

Now, what? I am not yawning yet, and although I have all those "find your true path" books from the library to figure out what 'job' I am suppose to be doing that makes all this money and somehow makes everything better as my parents think is out there...I know it's not. I know I'm doing the best I can and even though my sister my be a successful aerospace engineer, I am a successful mom and sometimes a successful friend/sister too. I know that I have been blessed with two amazing, healthy, smart, creative, kind children and that is my true purpose right now in life...to be the best parent I can be to them. Even if I am not the next Picasso, as my daughter hopes, hopefully something will work out with our finances and not "spending the money on Match", but when God thinks it's the right time, I will fall in love, real love where I am appreciated and loved back in the way I can give love to another....like a good friend of mine is discovering after her divorce a few years back. I have to remind myself to be patient, that God is not done with me yet...or at least I hope not.

11:59, I made it through Father's Day!

Two children asleep, two furry children hopefully settling down and Mom, breathing a sigh of relief that I made it through today.  Last night I could not fall asleep, could not rest my racing mind and apparently could not stop searching online for motivation quotes on Pinterest and I went a bit overboard I discovered today.  As I was hoping I could just hide under my covers all day and not deal with the fact it was Father's Day and my children do not currently have a father in their lives, I just wanted to fast forward to tomorrow and not have to worry about how they would deal with the emotions of the day, or my own emotions for that matter. 

As they tend to say, things always look better in the morning.  Especially when your children and even your puppy lets you sleep in a bit.  We had plans for a late lunch with my own parents and I awoke to my son saying, "Happy Grandfather's Day!  Or Happy Father's Day for Grandpa?..."  Yes, I am so into celebrating holidays, celebrating whatever we can in life, that we could not just ignore the fact that today was Father's Day (nor would the media let us ignore it either).  Amazingly the children didn't bring up their own Dad all day.  Although, being the person I am, I was on edge and ready to help out with anything that came up.  As some of you know, he lost all placement with the children mid-February this year, although he hadn't seen them prior to that since the July before (his own choice as he didn't want to have a supervisor during his visits as the court had ordered).  Since the court ruled full placement to me, back in February, we had not heard a thing, for the last four months...other that a few old neighbors commenting on an ambulance making a couple stops to my old place where he still lives.  Then, the last week of school for the kids, about two weeks ago, phone calls started coming in to my cell phone in the evening.  The first night, he had left a message saying he was a couple months sober now, trying to find work and really just wanted to talk to his kids.  The second call that evening, "I don't know what games you are playing..." and so on.  I check in with the Case Study Worker to see how it works legally about the kids speaking with him.  As I explained in my email, when he had been calling from the rehab center back in January, twice a week for awhile, he was making comments about seeing them and plans to see them as soon as he got out, which got my son's hopes up, only to have reality hit.  Not only did he stop calling, he legally wasn't allowed to do all the things he was promising.  SO, the Case Study worker explained that she didn't think we had mentioned phone calls in the order and thought I should use my best judgement as to what was best for the kids, also suggested to check with my lawyer for more help.  Which I did..forwarding the response and my original message right on to him.  I still haven't heard back.

The kids both made it through their last week of school...mixed emotions of wanting summer vacation to start, not wanted school to end as they would miss their friends and some of their teachers...change is hard, even when it involves a vacation around the corner.  Not to mention, both of my children are moving on to different schools in our district next year.  My daughter, hard as it is to believe, will be entering Middle School and my son the "Intermediate" Center.  They both had wonderful report cards and made it through the week.  Surprisingly, no class from their Dad that Friday night, as I had been guessing.  It was the following Monday, fortunately, after I had spoken with both of my children separately, explaining that their Dad had called and wondering if they wanted to speak with him, with the understanding, no matter what he says, they won't be able to see him for awhile still.  My son's response was no, that it's too hard to talk to daddy if I don't get to ever see him, it just upsets me.  He went on to explain, it's like with my Aunt (who's in Texas), I don't want to talk to her because it makes me too sad that I can't see her and I miss her.  He had a point, as he rarely speaks with her on the phone.  So, onto my discussion with my daughter.  She had a different response, wanting to talk to him, saying and I quote, "Yah, I'm mature and stuff mom, I know even if he says we will, we won't be seeing him"  I had just missed his call and heard on the message he had left that his brother and his wife had their baby that day and he just wanted the kids to know...I didn't even listen to the rest, as my daughter was right there ready for me to call him back.  She spoke for a bit, pretty much explaining about the rides she had went on at the local fair in town on the last day of school, saying how awesome her report card was, that she was a middle schooler now, telling him all about our new puppy we had got since they had last spoke and making sure her cat at his place was still alive.  From what I heard, all he said was that, yes he still had the house but he didn't know how much longer and he was still trying to find a job.  He wanted to talk to my son, but as he himself could hear on the speaker phone, my son kept saying no I don't want to.  Finally he said okay, quickly, as he was also trying to play on the computer.  He answered a couple quick questions and gave the phone back to his sister.  That was about it and almost a week later now, no other calls have occurred.  Being Father's Day today, I didn't know.  But since the kids didn't say I thing, I did not either.

On top of the lovely stress of their dad's phone calls, the last week of school, their was also the lovely issue of the bank account, or the fact that their was no longer any money in it.  As we faced the first weekend of summer I had a little over twenty dollars cash to my name and knew pay day was not until Friday.  Yes, we spent a week, for the first time ever I think, not leaving the town we live in as my gas tank was just a line or two above empty and with gas prices about 4.00 a gallon, our money wasn't going to get us very far.  Not to mention we need food to get us through the week too.  I had mis-budgeted, payed a couple bills I shouldn't have and ran out of money.  With no credit cards as back up anymore, we just "hung in there".  We did pretty well the first couple days, going to the local free lake/park with friends instead of buying our annual pool pass for the town pool...we ate all our meals at home all week, and survived not having much variety.  We even started playing more card and board games that we hadn't for awhile.  I hadn't told the kids how little we had, just that money was tight until my paycheck came at the end of the week.  It's amazing how easily you really can adapt if you need too.  We spend $12 on gas, the rest on food and all I could say it that I have never been so excited to be able to gas up my minivan as I was Friday morning! 

Trying to stay positive through this past week, I had been reading a book, "Start: Punching Fear in the Face..." which focused on taking control of your fears, worries and making your life an awesome one.  As much as I enjoyed it, I also found myself putting extra pressure on myself, as to what I am suppose to create, make, sell, market, what awesome thing I should be doing on the side, during the summer, during my spare time to create my own business to support us and getting out of these rough times.

I did accomplish one of the goals, I began a new, more positive blog, as I had hoped this blog would be a motivational blog for other when I had started it, but instead found it to be a place to pour out my soul in words and hope that it will somehow make me feel a little better, or at least a little more human instead of keeping all my feelings in.

My new, separate blog, which I started on day 1 of the second half or this year and am currently on track, day 16, finding and typing about a joy in each day.  My goal in the new Facebook page I created, "Creating Joy" is to help others find or create joy in their own lives. Then, I began a more local closed group on Facebook, for those I know though church, children or otherwise, can get together once a month to "Create Joy" together doing something fun, just for the joy of it...this month we are going to tour a local Winery.  Next month, a concert in the city.  Along with this my goal was to accompany this once a month fun event, with a "Laughter and Lattes" or drink of your choice, social and/or Bible Study time where women can get together and help each other find joy in the crazy chaos of our own lives.  We had our first event in May and were suppose to have our second one last week, but without the money to gas up my minivan to get me to town, or buy my latte for that matter, or pay my daughter to babysit my son...well, I didn't explain why sadly, but canceled and apologized.  I felt trapped as I didn't want to share our situation at the time.

SO, onto tomorrow, literally, in five minutes.  I have made it through another challenging holiday as a single mom with no dad currently in the picture.  I am onto more research as to what it is I am suppose to do next, continue my blog, taking care of my children (furry and real...on that note, our puppy turns four months on Wednesday and graduated from her puppy class on Saturday!)....this week carting them to the rec. departments cheer leading, gymnastics, coach pitch for my son and our church's basketball camp.  Never a dull moment here...but then again, I wouldn't want it any other way.  I am blessed to have them in my life and to have the work schedule to be able to spend the summer months with them.

Oh, if you want to read my additional blog, the link is...http://joydaybyday.blogspot.com/2013/06/day-16-my-son-and-his-grandparents-joy.html?spref=fb

Doing the best I can...making progress in the tunnel

We do our very best, but sometimes it's just not good enough; we buckle our seat belts, we wear our helmets, we stick to the lighted paths; we try and be safe, we try so hard to protect ourselves, but it doesn't make a bit of difference, because when the bad things come, they come out of nowhere; the bad things come suddenly, with no warning, but we forget that sometimes, that's how the good thing come too.
-Meredith Grey, character on Grey's Anatomy

Why tonight?  Why after over two months of episodes, of Thursday nights to type, to update, what sparked me to log back in?

We can't protect ourselves, it's true, it doesn't make a bit of difference.  We can be the best of the planners out there, the safest of choice makers and when it all comes down to it, bad things just happen.  Our marriage is gone, our sense of reality is shifted, we lose our pets to death, our home, our child support, again, over and over we are reminded we are not in control, we can't stop bad things from happening. 

What can we do when we here the accepted offer just fell through, when we look at all the bills and say there just is not enough to go around, when we hear the ambulance has been to our old home twice in the last couple months is breathe, pray and wait. 

A part of me wanted to wait until I was all moved in, until the new puppy was a part of our family, when the old home was sold and I was regaining some control of my finances to blog again.  Once again, I am reminded I do not hold the remote controller for in my life.  Apparently I have some say as to what show, but not what will happen on them.

Our home, it really does feel like our home now.  The kids love it and say they don't want to move again.  It is built more solid, the rain sounds beautiful outside, but the winds don't hollow through as they did in our last home.  The neighborhood is wonderful, welcoming and so full of kindness.  We have been blessed in so many ways. 

I made the mistake of taking on more than I should have, moving most of our belongings myself...thinking I was invincible when really, I was reminded I am human and the human body can only take so much.  I didn't break...but I don't bend/life/lug day after day like I use to.

Within a week from moving in, I looked back to a website in which I had been in contact with before the move, about a litter of puppies that would be born right around the time we were moving.  I needed something positive to focus on throughout the move filled with so many unknowns.  I discovered the puppies had been born, that there were a few still for sale and that I was going to be able to work out a payment plan and felt life was falling into place.  We so needed those pictures, updating the progress of our puppies growth; that trip to visit and pick out the female from the litter that would later become a member of our family, as we had no other plans the week of spring break...we had hope, excitement, something to look forward too.  Being the planner I am, reread everything I could get my hands on, about puppies, training, the breed choice for families with children.  Even though I went through this over 13 years ago, with children in our home this time, and with what we went through with our last dog we rescued, I was not going to mess this up!

Sure enough, ironically, on my sister's birthday, it was time for the puppies to be separated from their litter and brought home.  What happened the week prior, was yet another "why do these things happen to me" story...but to keep in brief, I discovered the breeder had a shady past, but at this point, our puppy was already so loved by the kids and I, how could we not get her?   I didn't feel safe with a payment plan anymore and decided, the best choice was to go and sell my wedding ring.  In three days from tonight as I type, it will officially be 5 years since our divorce was finalized.  I kept the ring, thinking for some reason I needed too; for the kids someday...but realized it wasn't doing much good locked away.  This puppy, this new member of our family would do so much more, bring so much more love and hope to our home.  It was an odd feeling to walk out of a jewelry store with a check that size, but for an AKC pure bread Golden, they are worth quite a bit of gold. 

A friend volunteered to go with me, about an hour away, to pick up our new puppy and just to be on the safe side with all we had read/discovered about the women who bred her, as well as to drive me back home so my new baby could cuddle up on my lap and that is just what she did.  It was like holding a little piece of heaven. The kids were beaming too, all day, weekend, it's all any of us could talk about.  That, and well, soon the lack of sleep I was getting.  The first week when we went in for a puppy wellness check-up and I explained that I had been up ever hour and fifteen minutes, like clock-work, with my little puppy having diarrhea, they assumed it was the organic/all natural food she was being feed, so I tried the next week to chance her over to another brand that vet had requested I try.  No improvement and with such little sleep, not much for patience left either.  It was when the vet said to switch to cooking her chicken and rice, when things got a little better....and I also heard via email from two others who had purchased litter mates...both having great challenges, one of which I discovered tonight back on the breeder's website for sale as he was returned back to the breeder.  The other had the same issues my puppy was and when going back on puppy food didn't work, the vet had us come back in.  They gave her some antibiotics and vet prescribed puppy food for intestinal troubles and it finally worked!  She has been making it through the night for a week now, and boy what a difference a full night of sleep makes! 

Another perk that came with bringing home our new puppy, was the walks I have been going on with her.  The combination of meeting others in the neighborhood, bringing smiles to people walking or driving past us, not to mention how good it feels to get some fresh air and exercise each day, sometimes twice a day!  My favorite, is after dinner, when often I just need that 20 minute break from being "on" as a mom...to take my cell phone and not travel too far from home in case the kids need me back...and to have that literal breath of fresh air to get me through the rest of the night.  I love my kids dearly, but when you are a month from the start of summer vacation, when you are siblings ages 11 and 8, they are great at fighting/driving each other crazy and in the process, make mom wonder what she's doing wrong as a parent!!!

I am fortunate enough to have co workers with siblings at home, who remind me my home is no different from theirs...brothers and sisters, or sisters for that matter, can be the best of friends or worst of enemies all in the same night.  Add to that a puppy and an exhausted mom...not always a great cocktail!

So last week, just as we finally go back to the vet, I get the email that the accepted offer on the house no longer is going through.  Here I was fending off the calls from credit card companies, explaining I would know more about my financial picture soon...nope, not going to happen, not yet at least.  So much for paying the last electricity/plumbing bill, home owners insurance bill or whatever else comes forwarded to my new address...hopefully sooner than later, because let me tell you, if you haven't had to deal with not being able to pay all of your bills, thank God and count your blessings!

The mortgage company did have a hardship program of some sort that is working with me for so many months, but that too will come to an end...hopefully it will be sold before then...

Tonight's episode on Grey's, the theory that we can't control or stop bad things from happening, I could so relate too...I could easily stay up all night writing about...but it was that second part...that last comment that good thing come out of nowhere too...that is what got me.

A newly wed couple who volunteer at the mid-week ministry program I direct, tonight commented how I just have to use the pastor they did when I get married again...I laughed, joked that I don't see how that is going to happen...and they just continued on saying again, reassuringly, that it will happen and when it does...

Over the past year I've had, the past five years since my divorce was finalized, I can't even put into words how my perspective on life has changed, then changed again and jolted in so many different directions.  I would never, ever have dreamed, imagined all that has happened, but can just point out how blessed I am.  I am still alive.  I have two amazingly healthy, happy children.  I now have a puppy and cat (well my daughter a hamster and fish too, but those survive somehow behind a closed bedroom door)...I have a new neighborhood, an amazing community of friends, support, and a job where I am also surrounded by support.  As I explained to a different volunteer tonight, that I created a page on Facebook, 'Creating Joy' as that is what I want to do in the lives of others (some days I need to work on it a little harder in my own).  I want to help others, among their challenges, under their grey clouds that don't seem to lift, I was to show them the light...it's often dim and hard to see, but it's out there.

I want to remind others that those bad days, weeks, months, they will pass and there is hope...there is ALWAYS hope...where we have the strength to admit it or not.

I am not out of the tunnel yet, I have plenty of unknowns surrounding me...yet I guess I have found the journey can be enjoyable even when we don't know where the road map is taking us next.  As the quotes that gets re posted to often on Facebook says, it's not where you are going, it's who you have alongside you for the journey that count".

Yes, I buckle my seat belt, I still try and protect my children, our home and future...but truly, I have learned what it all comes down to is the word on the plaque I look at each night, gifted by a friend as our first house warming gift...."Believe".

Tomorrow...

Tomorrow, I will sign a contract to put my house on the market.  A week from tomorrow my kids, five year old and hopefully stronger, our one year old cat and new hamster will move out of our house of hope.  I remember five years ago writing about a journal entry about a pillow of hope...for a fresh start.  A new home to start my post-divorce life, for a better future.  Five years later, two dogs, well sadly three dogs no longer with us, and hope, well I am really fighting to find any lately. 

Monday morning, I am scheduled to go in front of the judge, who finalized our divorce in May of 2008.  We sat before her in September?  October was it?  At that time, she scheduled this date to finalize placement.  I have not heard back from my lawyer, as I called two days ago and he is not in the office tomorrow, so my stress level right now is not so good not knowing what is going on for Monday morning.

As I was scrolling back through my Facebook posts, trying to remember the last time I blogged, as I always post a link on my page, I could not believe all that has happened since the week before Christmas.  So many pictures, updates, inspirational quotes...one stood out in my mind as I stared at the blank white blog page tonight..."2013, it WILL be better"

Hmmm, how do we define better?   Weekly calls, for awhile, from my ex to our kids from a rehab facility that he wanted us to join in on family days with.  My son thinking, from what was said on the phone, that they'd be going snow shoeing, playing lazer tag and returning to life with Dad as it use to be by the way he was talking to him.  Later, upset/crying because he couldn't remember what Daddy's face looks like. (Of course I found a picture of him five years ago and showed him what I had.)  When I mentioned to my daughter, that I felt bad that their dad was making comments/promises about doing things with them soon as I knew that he wasn't really going to be able to do that, she responded quite securely, "Mom, oh I know he won't."  Strong, but sad.

Then my email is hacked into and all my past messages, saved information, it's all gone...not to mention my lab top itself dying for good a few weeks later.  Have we made it through January yet?  No, I think we also have the issues with our puppy who had turned one...but also becoming more and more destructive...tearing up carpet, ruining drapes and the list goes on.  After my son was bit on the face, we looked into options as my children begged to no return her to the rescue we got her from and decided to go through training...twice after she bit him again...the last time creating holes in his hand and drawing blood.  After a doctor's visit, medicine, bandages and many rounds of tears from all three of us, our puppy left our home.  I held it together so well as the kids broke down over and over....myself, it was driving to take her away for the last time.  I had no idea how awful I would feel, yet was at a point where I had no choice.  I need to keep my children safe, as well as others that come over and as much as I did not want to part with her, she really needed a home without children.  There is more to the day of dropping her off, but right now, I just don't want to relive it. 

For the week after, my son broke down crying every day, multiple times, as he would say, "Mom, I wish she had never bit me!  Mom, I don't know what to do, I've never NOT had a dog in our home!"  He was right, as was my daughter that first overly silent night, when she came out of her room crying..."Mom, I've never been alive and not had a pet dog...you know we had Sadie when I was born, then was got Jake, when Jake died, we still had Sadie to hug and after she died, we had Ginger...now we don't have anyone and I don't know what to do."  I realized in different ways each day how much I missed having a dog around too and kept explaining we WILL have another dog or puppy, we just have to make sure it's good with children and our cat.  So my searching began...

The past few nights, pretty much since last Friday, when my parent closed on the home we will be moving into and renting from my parents, my stress level has escalated big time...the one thing that would settle me down each night was researching our new family member/dog and knowing there was hope amongst everything else.  Looking through rescue sites, breeders, contacting quite a few and narrowing things down to the ones we were going to get, tonight just did me in.

Last Friday, the kids saw the inside of the home we will be moving into for the first time.  My mom had taken pictures that the kids had seen, we had driven past, but they had not been inside.  My son, now 8, was only three when we moved into our current home and I quickly discovered thinks of this as his only home he's/we've had.  As we went in and walked around for the first time, my daughter was very excited, regardless of all the work that needed to be done this past week and next week before we could move in.  My son on the other hand melted into tears, "I'm not EVER moving into this place, this will NOT be our home and we are NOT EVER going to walk into this house again!"  My dad was convinced he was running away as he slammed the door into the garage...I, trying to hold it all together, knew he needed space.  Space to vent, to be mad...I didn't blame him, I have always hated change too and with the loss of our puppy, his hand and not to mention getting glass all in the past week or two, it was too much for me let alone an 8 year old boy.  Sure enough he was sulking in the minivan and after two days, came around a bit.  I explained that the house was kind of like those TV shows, where this is the before, but after painting, getting new windows, etc. it will look so cool after, when it's time for us to move in.  We've talked A LOT and went over to see progress each day and luckily he's doing much better.  Only I'm not sure mom is.

This afternoon, I came home early to help out as they are behind in painting and some other projects and my parents are both low on sleep, stressed out and I feel I have to do something to help.  Well, being there didn't feel like much help, but it sure did stress me out.  I was glad to have to go home when my kids got off the bus and head to our traditional heart shaped pizza dinner for Valentine's Day.  Tired, ready to go home and look through Valentine's, the kids wanted to stop over and see the new painting, front door, etc today.  They were excited to see things, but when I mentioned I had called the phone number in the paper my dad suggested about an inexpensive Golden Puppy for sale, things blew up in my face quickly. 

Reflecting over thing later at home here, I don't think it was the fact they want all of my tax refund to go toward lawyer bills I owe them that bugged me the most, the fact that they said we can't afford a dog or puppy right now...it was the way they crush my little bit of hope that was left.  My joy in looking forward to having a puppy to love again, a dog that will be there when I come home to an empty house or curl up with me once the kids are in bed to cuddle with and remind me with those eyes, that I am loved, unconditionally.  After having a dog in my life for over 14 years now, the past two weeks have seemed so lonely. 

I mentioned at work last week, either I need to find a dog or a man!  The companionship or lack there of, just can't be explained or understood by my parents, who have never had or know the love a dog can bring into your day.  It wasn't just the fact that I'm 38 years old and being told once again, "No, you can't have a dog."  Okay, a little bit was that....a lot of it was the fact that my hope in our dog, in our future just dimmed with each word they said thereafter.  "You can't afford a dog and won't be able to afford taking care of one.  We don't know how you are going to even pay your bills along with our rent after you move in.  We don't have any more money to give you; we are already maxed out with buying this house and everything keeps costing more that it should.  If you have extra money it should be going toward the water softener, the painter, the windows....Knowing I was about to break into tears, knowing my daughter and possible son was in earshot hearing my parents explain I had nothing and saying we could not get a dog anytime soon...I felt so belittled, so awful that I barely held back my tears as I sarcastically said "well, Happy Valentine's Day then!" and got the kids ready to go. 

I realize, as the one worker said two days ago, you are a very lucky to have your parents doing all of this for you.  Yes, I heard it from my Aunt, calling about my daughter's birthday earlier this week, "Your parents really came through for you didn't they."  Yes, I, once again, need to be indebted to my parents, as I was to be when they loaned me all the money for the divorce five/six years ago.  I will never be able to pay them back that 100,000 and I realize as they so clearly explained again tonight, I have no money, I will have no money anytime in the near future....if it wasn't for them....I have heard it so many times that it's hard to be grateful when it feels like you should feel guilty. 

I made it home with the kids and soon after something little made me start crying, so hard and I couldn't stop enough to not be crying when I finally left my bathroom and faced my kids.  I explained that I just felt so bad that we can't get a dog/puppy right now and I feel awful that I can't tell them when in the future we can.  My daughter was fine with it and my son seemed to be okay, just wanted me to be happy again and hug me.  I wish his hugs could fix it all....not knowing what will happen in the court on Monday, not knowing if we'll get everything done on the house and everything moved out in time next week, not knowing if I'll ever get child support again, not knowing when we'll ever get a dog again, not knowing if I'll ever have a Valentine (besides my sweet son) on Valentine's Day again...it's just hard to view this move as a positive or good thing.  It is a sign that we couldn't make it...that my hope in starting over, getting married again or at least be in a relationship again...so many hopes I had when we moved in have faded so far away. 

I am blessed to have my children full time now, as exhausting as it can be some days, I am grateful everyday for that.  I should be grateful that we have a home to move into/or will by next Friday...but knowing that more challenges are ahead...Monday in court, selling this home or foreclosing on it...dealing with the rest of my debt...holding it all together while dealing with it all for the kids sake...missing my Jake, my dog who would always rest his chin on me the moment I was about to cry, before it had begun, showing me he at least, was there for me....it's just not the same. 

I realize I have to face reality.  I emailed my mom back, thanking her and dad again for all their work today again and explaining that I talked to the kids about the fact we can't get a dog yet...that we just can't afford one right now.  Her response just upset me more.  Stating again that she knew I want a dog, but I just don't have the money and if I don't start getting child support, I won't.  She went on to explain that if the kids and I started saving up money in a jar for a dog someday, that each time they want a toy, or to go out to eat, or to buy a donut (yes she said that as apparently buying heart donuts for the kid's Valentine's breakfast was overspending where I didn't need to in  her eyes...sigh)...then someday we could get a dog again.  The email continued on saying that she was concerned that Monday wouldn't be the end and her concern that there will be more issues in court with placement (NOT what I want to hear/read/or think about now!!!)...then listing off all the things I can do when I get done with work at noon tomorrow and go over to help them.

Yep, Happy Valentine's Day to you too Mom (sarcastic tone implied).

Sorry, if I am coming off selfish, or spoiled, I apologize now.  It's not that I'm not grateful to be able to have a place to call home...it's just that being told what I can and can't do at this age...it's not easy.

I am sure the home will turn out nice, but I'm not looking forward to moving, I'm not looking forward to court on Monday, I'm not looking forward to meeting with banks, I'm not looking forward to much right now.  I suppose I should be grateful I survived Valentine's Day, alone, without a Valentine or any hope of one in the near future...I was just looking so forward to 2013 begin so much better than last year...and as of it, it's been equally as challenging...

To end, on not quite as depressing of a note, a quote I 'reposted' tonight...

"Don’t quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion.”
–Muhammad Ali

So...when does the 'rest of your life' begin?