Present

When 2014 began, I decided not to make any resolutions, as all the news/talk shows as well as posts online, stated most resolutions are broken with in a matter of so many days.  At this time, I did read or hear about the idea of having a world/concept to focus on for the year and this stuck.  So I narrowed it down to hope, patience and present.  When telling a couple people about this and trying to figure out what would be the best word, I found it funny that others thought I was already filled with more patience than anyone they knew, funny as I don't view myself that way.

I decided on present.  This year I am going to focus on being in the present.  Not worrying about the past, scared of the future, but enjoying and having gratitude each day for what I currently have and where I currently am.

Last Friday, a week ago, after heading back to court, yes my ex husband got a job at the start of the year and now feels he should therefore have placement of the kids again...after I made it through, as I say, I found myself taken to somewhere and someone I needed to be.  It really isn't that far to my hometown, just the outside of the opposite side of Madison, but yet I don't really have a reason to go back anymore.  Although, a store I have loved for years, I am friends with the owner, or rather my sister grew up as a best friend with the owners daughter I should say, was having a sale on Life Is Good products, which he daughter knew I loved and messaged me on Facebook about it.  I decided to make the small trek after court, not just for the sale, but because I knew the owner also when through a divorce/placement/etc when her children were young, yet is now happily married, extremely successful in life and filled with joy.  I needed some words of wisdom from her.

Speaking with her, or rather listening to her, I was reminded of a few things I knew, but had recently forgot or had been ignoring.  As we spoke I was reminded that life/all the stress/ it may be piling on me again/at times, but I have the choice to physically step back from it and say it is not me.  I can choose how I react and what I react too.  I was proud I didn't react or make any eye contact with my ex in court as I know he was sure trying to rattle me.  I did not choose not to let the past month of nerves get to me though.  As we talking I pointed out how I really felt I was doing well in the fall, feeling more self-confident, secure about myself, my parenting, the track my life was on, but I am not there anymore.  She reminded also reminded me that I am where I need to be, we all are.  Everything happens for a reason, yes we have free will to react to things, but we are at a given point of life and it's a good thing.  I agreed, as much as I felt awful that my ex is in as rough of shape as he is, I could not have fixed that or stopped him from making the choices he has.  I also am not sorry that he was in my life in the past as I would never have had my two amazing children, nor would I have grown as much as I have over the past  almost seven years.  I guess I needed to be reminded about that.

So now, in the present, I also spoke to her about the fact that my daughter wanted me to start dating/questions when I was ever going to date, back in December.  Then during the first week of the New Year, we were home on a 'cold day' from school watch the morning news or Today Show and they had a piece on Match.com, explaining how at a certain time that night, would be the prime opportunity to meet someone new.  My daughter shouted out to me, "Mom you have to do this!  You have to go on Match so you can meet and marry someone and we can have a dad!"  Ouch, wow, that hit me out of left field.  My son was also in the room and at first got upset, explaining he didn't want to get rid of dad and never see him again.  I made it quite clear that IF I ever started dating and IF I ever got married again, that man would be a "bonus dad" as a good friend of mine once taught me.  You will always have your dad, no one will ever take him away as your dad, I explained, but anyone new would be a bonus, or an extra dad to have around, spend time with, play with, etc.  After some thought he really liked the idea too.  I wasn't so sure though and it wasn't until the next time that I got myself to get on Match, created a simple profile and sign up for a week for free.

That week was well, a great builder of self-esteem.  As the email one week later from match.com pointed out, "You've had a great week!" Listing off the winks, likes of my pictures/profiles and messages I had received.  I did start responding with one man, who I met for lunch the next week and discovered what he meant by meeting to see if there is a "Spark" there, as he had plenty of fun messages/texts with women to find out there wasn't a spark.  Well, there wasn't for us either, but at least it got me to respond to another person, this man I ended up dating until lasessaging/talking with him each day, but this last weekend when I was with him in person again, it's just wasn't there, that spark.  As the close people in my life pointed out, he may be sweet and wonderful with your kids, but you need to be physically and emotionally attracted to the man too.  If you just date to find someone for your kids, when they have left the house, then what?  I understood and understood I needed to be honest about my feelings with him, but I also realized I had never had to tell someone that it just wasn't going to work out.  As nervous as I was, I was just as relieved after I had done it.  I hope I don't have to do that again.

During the time we were dating, I also was receiving messages, winks/etc. from others on Match and didn't feel it was right to answer them, as I don't feel right dating more than one man at a time, but this past week, I did start messaging with a new friend.  My lesson/goal from the past month or so is that I need to enjoy each day, not introduce the kids until I know that "Spark" is there for awhile and be in the present.  One of the key things that stuck last Friday was when she said that a relationship, should be easy, not that there aren't challenges you need to deal with as a couple, but especially at the the start, it should feel easy, natural, you should have to work at it.  It didn't feel that way with the last one, so we will see how the next goes.  Another friend pointed out that when you are dating a man, he should make your toes girl, you should be excited about seeing him, being with him and as much as I was hoping that would be the case this past time, as it was when we texted/spoke, in person, as much as I wanted it too, it didn't happen.  The comment yesterday that made me feel good was a reminder that at least I got myself back out there, I am not giving up on dating (as I had for over 2 years now) and that there apparentently (I added that word) are other men out there interested in me.

So this year, I am enjoying the present.  Not worrying about out the new Gardian at Litem study goes over the next few months, not worrying about having a new lawyer (which went better than I thought after only meeting her a week and a half before our court date) and not worrying if the new guy I am having a great time getting to know turns out to be "the one".  I am just enjoying the present, each day and I am greatful for the gifts it brings me (as well as the lessons).