Connections

Derek: We know that every connection matters. Every connection is crucial and when one is broken, it usually means that the damage has been done. This system of connection compels us to act, choose and behave... sometimes seemingly against our own will, but it is not random at all. It is the map of who we are. We will work to understand ourselves... solve the puzzle of how all the connections work and how all the pieces fit. 

Grey's Oct. 24, Season 10


Connections in the brain, as spoken of in the quote above, or in our own lives, are amazing aren't they.  When we step back and reflect on how all the connections, the people, the situations fit together like puzzle pieces to form our lives. 

The recent book I am reading, The 12 Invaluable Laws of Growth, by John C. Maxwell stresses the importance of stepping back and reflecting on change in our lives, actions in our lives in order to grow and learn from them.  Change is a constant in our lives.  We can not run from it, hide from it, avoid it...we can chose to ignore it, deny that it is happening, but then we are unable to learn from it, to grow.  We need to take the time, make the time to step back and ask why things happened, what did I or could I learn from all of this?  If not, we are likely to repeat the same mistakes in different ways, to wonder why things are not getting better, why life isn't improving.  Then again, it's all a matter of perspective.

The last time I posted, my son had just began his fall flag football season.  The coach, the dad of not only a boy on his team, but the boy that lives across the street from my ex...who's mom and step-dad were the two that were connected to my divorce...his step-dad, for years was my ex husband's best friend.  It was in their house that my ex first moved out of our too...it was this boys' mom who introduced my ex to the women he cheated on me with towards the end of our marriage.  It was in his garage, that my ex hid tons of our personal possessions from me as well as the legal man who priced and divided up our belongings...it was this boys mom who also told me about all the awful things going on two years ago while my kids were in my ex's placement on weekends...she who talked to the police when one of the times he threatened my life and she who would not talk to child protective services as my ex was threatening her if she did. 

Yes, I sat right next to these parents at each flag football game this fall (the season is over now, thus I am more able to type about it)...and oddly, anyone else seated near us would have never imagined all of our history together.

They did share, during one of the first games, while my son was out on the field and unable to hear our conversations, that my ex husband is no longer their friend.  That after this past summer, when they had called the police on him...thus the disorderly conduct in July, and all the times he was driving while under the influence after that...they have given up on him...if that's the way to put it.  They explained that none of the bars/restaurants, including the grocery store, in their town, will serve him liquor anymore and thus he was driving to our town to purchase it.  They explained that they are convinced he can not live alone, that he will no longer ever be able to hold a job and even that his mother asked him (my ex's former best friend) to sign a document to have him taken away to a mental institutions for the rest of his life.  He explained his doctor, psychologist, psychiatrist were all ready to sign it and needed one more signature.  Knowing how revenge filled and vindictive my ex can be, he said he wouldn't sign it in fear for his life if he ever knew he had.

It was a lot to hear, to take in, to absorb while I sat watching my son shining out on the football field.  I also found out that the former neighbor I am speaking of, speaks with my ex's mom every so often as she lives out of town and checks in with him to see how my ex is doing.  Confusing and odd, I know...that an entire longer story for another time.  Why I even bring it up, is because it was through this neighbor, step dad of the boy on my son's football team, that contacted my ex's mom about coming to see my son play a game apparently.

I had not seen my ex since prior to gaining full placement of the children in February.  He called only once at the start of June to speak to them and I got a voice mail on my phone from his mom, my old mother-in-law, stating that she was going to be bringing him to watch my son play football.  She said she had spoken with his lawyer and as long as he kept his distance, didn't come near me, he could legally do so.  Well, we were out of town/missed that game as I called back and let her know, but also told her they had one more game left the following week.  I hadn't heard a thing and weather took it's part and the last game was canceled/rescheduled for a weeknight due to rain.  That was when I received a call/message from my ex that he indeed was there and had the game been cancelled.  It was then I realized he really was coming and sure enough was there that following Tuesday for the final game.

My daughter usually chose to stay home during her brother's flag football games, but I let her know that her dad MIGHT be there...I didn't even tell my son as I didn't want to get his hopes up and then have him let down.  Sure enough, just as they were warming up, a slightly familiar from a distance much older, weather version of my ex husband appeared.  (I had been warned by my old neighbors that he put on lots of weight and didn't look too good these days...)  My daughter turn to me excited and confused, "Is that Dad?"  Sure enough it was and any lost hair, weight, wrinkles, gray/while scruff of a beard...she didn't see any of that...it was her dad and it was amazing that evening, during the hour of that game how much of a remember how love for a parent can be so unconditional and blind to anything.  She talked, almost non-stop to him as her brother played on the field...he kept looking over, beaming with joy and waving when he could at his dad.  They saw him briefly in February and over a year ago in July was his last supervised placement.  My daughter asked about her cat at his place, asked if he has to sell the house (which he had an odd answer for, seeing as though he's been out of work for a year)....she showed off her gymnastic moves and when my son was on the sidelines, hugged him and asked about the video games at his place.  When the game was over and my son couldn't stop hugging his dad...I couldn't look up at him, my ex...as the brief moment I did...I saw he was welling up with tears.  Just as he had almost done while I once during the game, politely asked about his new job that his mother claimed he had during her phone message.  He let me know that when they did their background check, they didn't hire him.   His mother's call was quite upbeat and optimistic, explaining that my ex had been sober 40 maybe? days and had a new job and was doing so well.  I have learned enough from the past to know that does not mean anything at this point.

So here, my ex had parked right next to us and as we all four oddly walked back to go, my ex was going on about how maybe the kids could come over and play this weekend or next, going on about the video games he still had and had got for my son to play.  Knowing, in my mind as I listened that, that was not going to be happening anytime soon but hanging in there for the kids.  As they each gave one more giant hug to him, got in our minivan, I did everything I could to avoid eye contact with him.  I know he is such a lost soul, but I also know, from reflecting, learning and growing that it is not my job to save him.

We haven't heard a word from him since.  I didn't think we would.  After a few days, the kids stopped bringing him up.  I received...a few days late this week, the child support amount I have been receiving based on his unemployment check still, so I know he is still alive.  Sadly, that is what I am fearing dealing with the change of/emotions of.  Getting a call that he has passed away...as the nurse/mom of the son on the football team/former neighbor I have been speaking of, also said, if he keeps drinking like he has been, the toxicology reports back earlier in the year gave him less than a year to live...not to mention that she is convinced that he is on some kind of medication for schizophrenia...which would explain all the weight gain...she has commented a number of times that she really thinks that is what he has some form of along with being bi-polar...which on medicine is one thing...but with alcohol and/or drugs and not always taking meds...is rather scary.

What is also scary is the fact all of the genetics from him, his family and my own....mixed together are in my children.  At times this causes me to worry...but I am working on my "self-talk", reminding myself I have no control over that.  Only how I parent, how I chose to react, help and nurture them in their lives.

As for my life, our life...although we are connected to him, to the former neighbor is one way, it's amazing how time has changed...both the situation as well as how I perceive things.  I chose, on my own, during the last few practices and games, to sit right next to these two individuals, as the person I am today is not who I was when I first met them.  I am living in the present and currently our connection is about our sons on the same football team.

Connections in live are a funny, odd, thing aren't they?  Here, two weeks ago, home in town finally did sell.  I didn't know that is was going through until the afternoon before and it was explained I didn't even need to meet the buyers...just to come in and sign the paper work.  Odd how it was the same week that I had this experience I just described seeing my ex again.  Emotional overload for me that week.  I literally signed and watched a women stamp a dozen papers and they said that's it.  I went from there, to sit at a local coffee shop and journal...try to, about what all just happened.  My parents had asked me to call them when the house was sold so they could celebrate too...but when the realtor seated next to me said, "well, that's it...how does it feel?"  My response, that kind of surprised me, as it came out of my mouth from a bit of no-where, was, "Like I failed."  I explained that the fact that I wasn't able to keep the house on my own was what I meant, but at the same time, I realize a lot of the circumstances involved I had no control over.  I wrote about it at the coffee shop and decided I wasn't ready to publish that entry as a blog post yet.  Then I received a call that afternoon, while driving home, from my sponsor in Arbonne...which on a side note, is going quite well...but what took me off guard, was when I mentioned that I had officially signed off on the house that morning, she questioned how I was feeling about that.  I explained my first reaction to the realtor, but then said, it is what it is.  We are where we need to be right now.  She then said, "Well, I have something interesting to share about that...I spent that day in the house painting...my sister is the one who bought it."  Small world, of connections again.  I guess she thought it was best not to let me know until the sale was done.  I apologized, that was my first reaction to her comments, as I said, I know the house needs work, but I just couldn't afford to do what it needed.  She said she didn't care and that her sister was just so happy to be in a home instead of a two bedroom apartment with her son, boyfriend and his two boys there part time.  I guess it really is all a matter of perspective isn't it.

So today, I sit with a day off...well more a day to catch up on laundry, cleaning, prepping for our 12th annual Halloween kids party tomorrow night that as much as I wasn't sure about keeping the tradition going, my kids sure are.  When my daughter was only 1/2 a year old and I had two other mom's with toddlers over in their costumes, the tradition began.  Twelve years...amazing how many changes have happened in that time.  Amazing that six years ago my divorce kicked off a month and a day ago.  I have to wonder if I'll ever be able to look at September 21 and 24 the same way again.  I realize it's all how I chose to view it.

I received a kind birthday card last month, after my last post.  It was a friend I made in college, working at the YMCA Summer Kids Camps together...she was in my wedding...has been in my world for quite awhile, as plump and pregnant with my son I was also in hers...and after that she moved to Texas and so on...but through technology we have reconnected...that and the fact neither of us miss a birthday or Christmas card to each other!  Why I bring up the card, was her comments took me a bit off guard as she wrote, "So glad to see life going well for you again..."  The day I received and read it, I was taken back wondering how she thought things were well...but then again...when I reflected and put things in the past year, six years in perspective...

I have full placement of my children...they are safe, loved and having the best childhood possible with the circumstance we have been given.  I have a good job, a side job tutoring and now a home business, Arbonne, growing both in financial success as well as in my personal growth.  We have a roof over our head that I don't have to worry about us losing as I did a year ago at this time.  I found a way (made a way) for us to get a new puppy/dog this spring after having to go through the loss of our other two dogs last year.  We are growing and changing here, but in good ways.  Yes, I guess all things considered things are going well...some days better than others...but I do get the connection she was making in her card.   I understand a lot of connections and changes in our life now and know we still have more to come and learn through.