An hour, I laid there and my eyes wouldn't close. Or if they finally did, moments later they popped back open. I was beyond exhausted, spent hours outside in the beautiful May fresh air, had not had caffeine for hours, really there was no logical reason why I shouldn't be asleep. Yet I was. My mind raced. What could I move, how will I get the large old couch downstairs...where will the TV go now, why on earth am I worried about all of this. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore and got up, turned on the bright light in the dark room and searched for my tape measure. I know I can figure this out.
As I began moving yet more furniture around I kept thinking to myself, what do I really need to figure out? Why I am so determined to rearrange and reorganize my furniture. What is really wrong. I spent Friday night, up until almost three in the morning moving a solid wood TV stand downstairs, a reclining chair upstairs, a bookshelf up, it went on and on. Things just had to be rearranged. It wasn't right anymore. Earlier in the day, I had stopped by a friend's garage sale and purchased her chair or rather it's more of a love seat. I couldn't take it home then, but would be picking it up on Saturday. So I finally collapsed and went to sleep about 3 in the morning Friday night/Saturday morning and amazing was up by 9 something to face the day. I continued on my quest for the arrangement that would work the best until I left for Madison. After I picked up the new item I went to see the movie that I had wanted to see, "Something Borrowed". But of course a romantic comedy that had just premiered the day before. I laughed out loud quite a bit, it was really good, until the end hit and my eyes began to well up. I had to get out of there, to the bathroom and to my minivan without the floodgates opening. I had almost made it until a women had made eye contacted with me, smiling as I moved out of her way exiting the bathroom and that small touch of human contact did it. I tried looking up and blinking really fast to hold in the tears. I walked quickly, avoiding eye contact with anyone in the lobby or parking lot and the minute I shut the door of my minivan it began. The floodgates opened and I cried all the way home...a good twenty to thirty minutes. I knew I only had a couple hours before the sun was going to set and had to get my lawn mowed now, as I refused on doing it on Mother's Day. I kept my sunglasses on as I got home, filled up the mower with gas for the first time this season and prayed the mower would start without giving me trouble and I began.
I powered mowed, if that is a word, determined to let out my tears/emotion of whatever it overcoming me through yard work. As I began I was reminded of the last time I had mowed my lawn in the fall. I was engaged then, was in the process of looking for new homes, excited to be mowing this lawn, which is a good 1/2 an acre, and with a push mower takes a good hour to two to mow, for one of the last times. I remembered how I was so glad to finally be rid of the memories, the obvious upkeep of stones and trimming and weed killing I hadn't kept up on as well as I would have like to have. I was so excited that last time to not only be done for the season, but to be so filled with hope of no longer having to face this or any yard again alone.
The sun was setting, yet I knew my face was so red, or at least my puffy eyes still were and with the neighbor kids behind the fence outside, the last thing I wanted was for them or anyone to see my eyes, so I kept the sunglasses on, until it was nearly impossible to see the even lines I was trying to form in the grass with them on anymore. I wished I had a privacy fence, like I had had growing up. But right now in life, a chain link to keep the dogs in is all I can afford. I looked to my rock garden and was slightly impressed at how it looked after spending a good hour or two pulling weeds from it Wednesday night...I continued until I was practically mowing in the dark and finally, exhausted from my workout, but glad I wasn't crying anymore, I went inside to rehydrate myself. After getting some water, letting my dogs out and back in, it was back to it, this time I needed to move my new furniture inside. a love seat up two half flights of steps, not easy, but I did it. Then I rearranged again and again until I finally called it quits, as my body was screaming STOP!!!! I collapsed in my chair and laptop and tried to figure out what had set me off at the end of that movie. Really, it was a good show. No one died, no logical reason for the average person to cry, but I suppose I have never fit into the category of an average person and something in that show hit a nerve.
I finally made it to bed and awaken excitedly to the arrival of my kids for Mother's Day. I was so excited to see them and to have a day to just focus on time with them. We made it to church (barely as it was not on my son's agenda) and afterwards headed to the zoo. Walking in between both of my amazing kids, hand in hand with them because they had reached for mine, not because I had demanded if for safety anymore. We enjoyed the sunshine, the animals new to the zoo that we had not seen before and then headed towards Olbrich. I suggested we stop for lunch/brunch at a place I had went once without them and they were both excited to try it. Daisy Cafe and Cupcakery was a hit and such a joy to be enjoying the day with them. I was so proud of how grown up they have become. We then headed to Olbrich, on a search for spring tulips and we found them, along with some beautiful magnolia blossoms! We enjoyed the fresh air, but it was taking a toll on our energy, especially my son's...as he was running low on patience and it was time to go. The day continued to go so well and I was amazed and how much fun we had. With no set plans, just some ideas, we made the best of a sunny May Mother's Day full of great memories. My daughter and son both commented on the way home, that they wished this day wouldn't end. I would have to agree. It was so nice to just enjoy life. Not stress or think about anything else for the day.
Then it was bedtime and after a few trips out to cuddle one more time with mom, my son finally fell asleep. My daughter, on the other hand, was out and talking/sharing about some girls not being so nice to her at school and all sorts of other thoughts on her mind. I listened as it's not that often she opens up so much to me, but at some point, encouraged her to get some sleep and hope for the best tomorrow.
Knowing how exhausted my body was, I headed to bed myself not long after. I had such a wonderful day. I was so blessed with texts and messages from friends as well as a wonderful day with my kids, I assumed I would quickly drift off to sleep. Not so fast...it is Sunday night and along with that, the Sunday night stress that seems to find it's way back to me. Really, I am looking forward to work tomorrow, nothing big or scary coming up. Yet, the thought of sleeping is the farthest thing from my mind. It was bugging me why I was on such a mission to make changes in my home as well as why I was so upset from that movie yesterday.
All I can come up with is that change is coming, not the seasons necessarily, but with work and school. The kids only have a month left of school and I have a closing banquet this week for one part of my job and only a few more weeks of teaching preschool. I will still have summer camps to be planning and directing, but I won't have a routine for much longer and I am one who works best with some form of routine to my life. As much as I enjoy the lack of structure that can come with summer with kids, I also can't deny that I am a planner and having to face those months of unknown can kind of make me nervous. I must admit that having more free time also makes me nervous about money, as we need to be a bit more tight with it this summer, not getting paid as much during those months due to taking on the preschool job this past year. I know when I get stressed or nervous, I am quick to turn towards finding things to buy or project/plans that require money that I really don't have to spend. I honestly am making progress though, being aware of this and watching for how I'm feeling and keeping in check what really have to spend and can afford to do. I know growing up we didn't have much money in the summer, but still planned to have a good time and being creative at finding fun things to do I really shouldn't be concerned.
I guess the other component to that is that I still don't know what is coming next. Not just with how my kids and I will spend our time this summer, but what is coming next for me career wise. I am aware I will have an opportunity to apply for an art teaching position and am not sure if it's the right choice for my and my kids life right now. I also feel like I am suppose to do something else, but dont' know quite what that is right now. That I have to figure out what it is I am meant to do outside of being the best mom I can be.
I am blessed to have a great job with amazing coworkers right now. I don't' want to leave that. It is accommodating with my life as a single mom and the needs of being the primary go to parent for my kids. If they are sick, I am the one who stays home with them. When they have a music program, I am the one who attends. I help make the special person posters, work on the science projects and read at night with them. I sign them up and take them to any extra curricular activities, go on field trips and volunteer in the classroom when needed/available. I know they are only going to be in elementary school for a few years, they are only going to be young and wanting me around/involved for a small portion of their lives. I dont' want to blink and miss any of it. In a few years, I realize they will be more independent and have less need for me and feel that at that time I can focus more on career goals. Not that I can't work my way towards those goals, I just am not completely sure what they are yet. I love feeling like my life has a purpose. That I can hopefully have a positive impact on the lives of so many children through teaching preschool and the midweek ministry I direct. I also feel I am setting a good example for my children of not only having a job, but having a purpose in life. To be serving God and to be living a life working to help others see the value of having faith, perseverance, values, morals and living a life that I am proud of.
At the same time of all of the positive things are going well now, there is still that reality that I faced in the movie yesterday, that I am single. As the co-star stated in the movie, single, in my thirties and nothing in site. Seeing the pain of being out there and dating. Being vulnerable and getting hurt. It is scary to consider taking that step again. At the same time, I have now went six months without dating. Not a big deal, but I am starting to miss having a companion. I can only stay focused on my kids and work for so long without that longing seeping back in, that wanting someone to share my life with. Not a desperate need, just a desire that is there, hidden often under everything else. I guess the movie just brought those feelings back to the surface and I wasn't expecting that. I suppose it's a reminder that I am human, and as being human, have needs and desires. Even if the dating scene in on a back burner for now, it doesn't mean that desire doesn't exist. I am quite proud of how little energy I have put towards feeling bad about being alone and rather found positive ways to spend my time. It's just watching music programs with moms and dads together the last two Fridays, to see families together at church, or at restaurants, sometimes those feelings resurface and instead of shaming them. I guess it's best to acknowledge them, yes, I wish we were a family of four not three, but we are making the best of what we have for now.
