After yoga class last night, I had this feeling I should once again go to Barnes and Noble and see if the latest issue of life:beautiful was finally in stock. It was, and when I sat down to page through it, I found the article that was drawing me to it. "The Key to Overcoming Every Fear You Face" by Joyce Meyer.
'Fear is the opposite of faith.' This line really stood out to me, as I have struggled with overcoming a variety of anxieties and fears in my life. I have also been taking a closer look at my faith, my religious beliefs and struggling quite often as to how strong my faith really is when I am facing challenges.
In the article, she states, 'Fear is a tool the devil uses against us to make us miserable and destroy our lives. It begins as a thought and then creates emotions that can rule us....Simply put, fear is the opposite of faith. God wants us to walk by faith and Satan wants us to walk by fear.' As I was getting ready for work this morning, a series of texts came through on my cell phone from my ex-husband. Reflecting on them now, they have fear written, as if by this definition, coming from Satan. 'U need to tell me who ur neighborhood snitch is. U don't understand the trouble u are in right now and I am trying to protect you!!!' 7:40 AM 'You messed with some people that dont' take this lightly and u need to cooperate with me on this because they did their homework on u and are watching u like u r me.' 7:43 AM 'I want u and especially the cute kids to be safe and u have put that in jeopardy! I am doing what I can to protect u but u think life is a fairy tale! Wrong!' 7:45 AM.
Good morning and welcome to another day in the life of Lisa. Why does he want me to live my life in fear? It really is sad, isn't it? Today, I didn't let it. I posted something on Facebook, just in case something were to happen to me, then headed to work, had a successful morning of parent teacher conferences and continued on with my day. As it was still a thought in the back of my mind though, not completely out of worry, I asked myself, if anything, what can I do about this? So I reread the messages and decided to call and then left a message for the local police, letting them know I'd be sending the texts for the electronic file they had started.
To continue on my day, my life, it was time to drink some tea and work on my search for my own significance, the reason why I am here, as the book in front of me had phrased it. I am still searching for my answer to this question. Referring back to the article again, 'The key to begin who god created you to be is to learn who you are in Christ...as you spend time reading and meditating on His word, you will be able to recognize the fears in your life that are holding you back. You can overcome them by seeing yourself in Christ and finding you have whatever you need to do what you are created to do.'
I asked my pastor today on my way out of the office, if God had ever spoken to him directly, how he knew what his calling was, or how he came about the decision to be in the career he was in. He said over a course of four or five different conversations he came to his decision. He explained that he'd be happy to go into the process another time, when we both have time to talk, but did give me one explanation of when he heard what he believed to be God speaking to him. He had asked him a direct question, waited and meditated for an answer, which he told me what was said, an indirect answer which brought him to his decision.
I am currently not good at meditation. I have read some articles and books about how beneficial it can be to your health and life, but as in those five minutes at the end of yoga last night reminded me, the clearing of all the anxieties, fears, thought, it's extremely challenging.
Reflecting back to my quote, 'Fear is the opposite of faith', apparently I need to learn how to strengthen my faith to help me overcome my fears. Having faith is a big request, easier to do on some days than others. As a radio announcer was saying on the way home from work yesterday, 'Wouldnt' it be nice if someone filled up your gas tank for you? We are here to fill you up with faith and encouragement to get you where you need to be in life..." It's true, for me at least, that listening to Christian music can recharge my faith, my hope, especially when you hear the right song, with the right lyrics speaking/calling out the words you so need to hear.
There have been quite a few cloudy days in my life lately, but sometimes, when I am willing to listen, a song like this plays for me:
Do you wonder why you have to, feel the things that hurt you, if there's a God who love you, where is He now? Maybe, there are things you can't see and all those things are happening to bring a better ending, someday, somehow...So hold on, you gotta wait for the light. Press on and just fight the good fight. 'Cause the pain that you've been feeling, it's just the dark before the morning...
-Before the Morning Lyrics by Josh Wilson
I realize life is always going to have it's ups and downs, it's cloudy and sunny days. We were never promised that things would be easy and really if they were, how would we learn, what experience and wisdom would be gained if we weren't faced with challenges? I think one of the keys to deal with this is to stay optimistic, focusing on the positives when the clouds roll back in. We need to keep having faith and not allow ourselves to be stuck walking on a path with fear consuming us.
Trust me, I am well aware it is easier said than done. How do you have faith, optimism, when you dont' have enough money in your bank account to gas up your minivan and the E light is lite up...when calls on your answering machine come in about bills you are behind on, yet you don't have the money yet to pay them either. Let me tell you, it's not easy. I finally got the courage, through lots of faith and prayers, to go to talk to someone about my financial situation a few weeks ago. It was hard, make that extremely challenging to swallow my pride, admit I had failed on my own and ask for help. I had to face the reality that I can't do this on my own and need help.
That, my friends, was one of the cloudiest days lately. The same day I spent the morning at the court house discovering there really was nothing I could do at this point regarding my ex husband. But I am so glad I finally stopped fear from overcoming me and took a leap of faith, through the doors and into the office for finical assistance. Come to find out, with a few more meetings and some budgeting homework following that first appointment, I discovered my credit history, which was not as horrific as I had dream it was, and am working with a women there to consolidate my debt, implementing a budget plan and working towards a better place. I learned the fear in your mind, your imagination can create a picture so much more horrific that reality may actually be.
It's a process, but at least I am not losing sleep and living with that constant fear and anxiety. I am holding myself accountable for how I spend/save my money and giving myself more credit, that I can make it work being a single mom on my own. I am not a failure, just because my checkbook wasn't balancing or I was reaching for credit cards instead of facing reality to make ends meet. It's way too easy to let negative self-talk take over on those cloudy days, but you just can't let fear win, really it's no way to live.
I am learning to have more faith in God, as well as in myself, truly I am. But with anything you learn, it's a process and some days the process is a lot easier than others. Speaking of learning, I am still, amidst the fear of dealing with money, the fear of facing threats from my ex husband head on, the fear of cancer or some other disease occurring in my life, the fear that I am not living up to my potential...not doing what God has created me to do...I am learning to question each of these fears. Why can't I handle my own financial issues successfully, with prayer and guidance from God (because I was told by my parents as well as my ex husband I was no good at it?) Why can't I have faith that God will protect me through the never ending issues my ex husband brings into my life (reality is I still have to have contact with him because of our children, but I don't have to let his fear control me anymore right?) Why can't I pray for good health, while also making better choices on what I eat, how much sleep/exercise I get and making sure I have down time to meditate and/or destress and breathe? Why can't I pray to God directly and ask him, what do you want me to do with my life? How can I possibly live up to his expectations? Okay, as I reread this, I must admit, it sounds like I am asking my earthly parents that questions as they have always set an unattainable bar for my sister and I...she's an aerospace engineer work with NASA and still feels she's not good/smart/successful enough...interesting how you read Christian authors that explain how your relationship with God can mirror you relationship with your own father/parents on earth.
I suppose with all of this and many more issues, thoughts, questions and concerns racing through my mind in a hundred different directions, it would explain why meditating during those final five minutes of yoga was so challenging for me. Practice, practice make perfect...I use to hear when I would have to practice the piano daily...okay, I have realized at this point in my life that there is no perfect, but practice, study, prayer...it sure can all help.
As I end my journal entry from this afternoon turned into a rambling blog post this evening, I go back to my initial question...what has God created me for? Maybe it's not suppose to be answered yet...maybe it really is the journey, not the destination that matters...yet I am still on a quest to better understand me as well as how I can begin to reach at least a wiser version of myself.
