Adrenaline....that emotion that keeps your body racing, your mind pulsing, it keeps you from sitting still or saying home on a Friday night.
It was adrenaline that kept my mind racing as I drove away, the second time from my old house last night. As usually is the case lately, I drove up to my old house, to drop off my children at their Dad's, to see all windows closed, blinds shut and the garage door open to display too cars, the sign that the kids can enter through the garage. I have no clue if he ever really is...home, sober, alive...I just say goodbye as they hop out of the minivan and head into the garage, into the unlocked house. There is also a red pick-up truck tonight, idling in the third car driveway space with a man seated inside. I became even more uncomfortable as I backed up, after the latest earful this week as to what's been happening at this place. I looked at his license plate number and as I made it down the hill to the stop sign, I entered it into my cell phone notes, along with a description of the guy in it. As I looked up, I saw the wife of my ex's best friend, who lives across the street driving up the hill and waving to me with a partial smile. I continue for about two more blocks when the adrenaline kicks in. I turn around and as my heart begins beating stronger, I head back up the hill. In my mind, I think back to the meeting with the women from Child Protective Services this week, her comment that I have every right that I know I am leaving my children in a safe environment when I have to leave them at their Dad's. Right now, I was headed back to make that clear.
As the house came into site again, I first saw the truck still there and moments later the kids on their bikes, no helmets, driving around in the road. As they spotted me, they drove back into the driveway, questioning me as I unrolled my window, "Mom, what are you doing back here?!" I explained that I wanted to make sure Daddy was home before I left. I then asked if they had seen him and before too long he appeared from the garage,with a what-is-going-on look. I told him I was making sure he was home. He responded, of course I am home, I never leave the kids alone. I cut him off looking directly in his eyes, declaring, "We both know that's not true. I also don't want my children left alone with guys who have criminal records anymore. Or even around them for that matter."
What? He began the look that I was crazy and I continued on, "I know you have left the kids alone with Motorcycle G."...he interpreted, yah when I ran down to the store and back quick..."No, I am well aware he's been home alone with our son while you and our daughter spent hours at the bar. I have heard from people on the street that they are concerned about our kids here and I am too. Z. who comes here when the kids are here...who just received his fifth DWI.. (he interrupts that he only goes to his place to work on computers, never here)...then there was last Thursday when you had our kids go on a nine mile bike ride with B. who isn't even allowed to see his own four kids!"
He quickly jumped in that they weren't alone with him, that the two neighbor boys went with. I said, yes, but their mom was so concerned when she knew who they were with that she went and picked them up on the trail. He replied back, no she went because our daughter's bike pedal was broken, why, like you ever talked her her anyway. Yes, I did, I replied, I talked to her and many others on this street. I have no control over who you hang out with or what you do when you don't have our children, but when they are here, I have the right to know they are safe. "YOU spoke with her?" he began in shock, then he said, "I get it now, so that's what this is all about." I said again that there are many people on this street I am hearing from/about concerned. I then questioned my daughter if she has a bike helmet to wear if she's biking in the street. She went to go get it excitedly to show me as he jumped in with an of course she does. With that I said goodbye to my daughter (after she had her helmet on)...and my son and drove off. So filled with adrenaline, not knowing where to drive or what to do now.
As my mind was racing in all different directions, I drove home and decided I had to find the number that I had been sent via an email, to let the mother across the street from my ex's know that her name came up. But to let her know that I had only said that I had spoken to her, about the bike ride. I did call, she didn't answer, but at least I left a message, letting her know what I had said and letting her know I didn't say anything more. As I know my ex and how he will say all sorts of things to either scare her or try and get her to say more, pretending I said more. I then called my good friend, who I thought had left for a last minute getaway before school starts, but didn't know for sure. She was out of town but we did speak briefly. Which I so appreciated, as my other close friend who knows about all of this was now gone camping out of town. I couldn't keep my mind from spinning, racing, did I do something wrong, did I say something I shouldn't have...I explained to my friend what I did and her response...I am so proud of you, way to go. She said I got the message across that he can't scare me, that I am strong and don't need to hide behind Child Protective Services, that I am not putting up with any of this. She agreed that leaving the phone message was a wise idea and that reality is, there isn't anything else I can do.
She got back to her getaway and I sat down, scanning through Facebook and trying to decide what on earth am I going to do now. I can sit still, stay here...would my ex send someone after me? Would what I did make him more upset with me, he already has said he wants me dead. What more can I do. At the same time, I had in writing, via an email earlier today, that I can have the kids this Wednesday night, so I can take them to their first day of school. After two days ago saying no, that he wasn't about to do me any favors with all that I am doing to him. I'll take what I can get. Yes, that same message this morning also said that he didn't know about splitting up Labor Day Weekend, that he'd have to wait to talk to the Child Protective Services women that contacted him to find out why I am trying to take his kids away from him for good to let me know. Which I never said a word of.
What did happen Tuesday morning? The women returned, as she had spoken with each of my children individually and now needed to go through questions for a good hour, with me. I explained that it's not that I don't want my children to see their dad, is it that I am hearing from person after person, including police officers, that it is not safe for my children over there. I want him to get help, so that he can have a relationship with them. I don't want them to be left alone anymore for hours at a time...to spend hours on end at the local two small town bars, or to be left alone with men that I dont' know and apparently quite a few have criminal records. I don't want them to even be around my children while my children are there. I am concerned how often he is either on drugs or drunk/drinking while they are there, and based on more and more comments and details I have heard from neighbors, about the people who are stopping buy to pick things up, which apparently sounds like the drug Meth among others. This week I sadly learned that at least three know Meth users have been stopping by and then leaving frequently...not to mention others. One who pulled up, laid on the horn until he came out with something and then left. Apparently my ex has now lost his chest hair, has scabs on his arms from scratching and I was told from the person who shared this that he showing lots of detailed symptoms of Meth users.
What do you do when you should up with your kids to swim at the town pool and hear all of this, plus more? What do you do when they say they know they are not getting feed at their Dad's so they try to help out, but at the same time don't want their Dad to think that they'll always feed my kids. I just listen and ask again and again to please REPORT this behavior, the people stopping, the other things I was hearing. I gave the card from Child Services, I gave my cell and said the next time the kids are home alone, PLEASE just call me and I can get them. She took it but didnt' know. She said she thinks the police are waiting until they can catch him in the act of selling or something. I just wish she and the others would report something, anything!
At least I know they will have dinner, a good night's sleep (or as good as they can get the night before a new school year) and a healthy breakfast on their first day of school now. I'll take anything I can get at this point.
As for the rest of my life. I don't know what on earth happened to the new guy in my life. Everything was fine Monday night, Tuesday night we texted and he was saying how much he was stressed about the next three days of inventory at his job and was looking forward to seeing me this weekend. Then, Wednesday, Thursday and today...not a word, not a text, not a call. I don't know what happened or what to think. I spoke with my sister this evening and said it just doesn't make any sense. I am hoping to know more soon. He has movies here he brought over, a favorite sweatshirt I had worn home...I am just waiting on that one, with literally no clue what the rest of my weekend will bring.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Transitions
The calendar says one more full week of summer vacation for the kids and I. Then it's back to school, to work, to a routine. I love routines, I just don't like that time between now and then...that time called a transition.
I have read a few friend's Facebook postings, saying how they can't wait...that they are counting the days until school begins again. In some ways I understand. It will be nice to begin a new school year, a new schedule...to know what each weekday has in store for us. Fall is my favorite season, with the beautiful autumn leaves, apple picking, pumpkin patches and all the other fun that comes with it. It's also a time to reflect on the end of a season, that summer is almost gone...and when it comes to me, that means to analyze all that it brought, good and bad.
I am not sure if it's genetic or if it's a female trait, to reflect and study life in all it's patterns and phases. I try to do this in order to take a lesson or lessons from it that I have learned in order to life a little wiser as the next season approaches. Sadly, I also tend to put myself down for not accomplishing things I wish I would have and to set new goals for the season ahead.
As parents tend to do, I believe, they look at the new school year in disbelief, that their child/children are already going into the grade they are. Where does the time go? Why do they have to grow up so fast? I am doing all I can to love, nurture, protect, help them learn and grow as individuals? Sometimes I just feel like such a failure. I suppose everyone has those days. I can't provide that home life that I wish I could. With a mother and father to sit down to dinner with them and talk about their day. To go out and do fun family adventures on the weekends. I do the best I can, which will have to do...but I still feel that I am letting them down, that they are missing out. I suppose I should also keep in perspective, they are also missing out on having to hear parents fight or argue...or worse. Fortunately, they were too young, or at least my son was, to ever remember any of that in our family. I suppose I can be grateful for that.
I also am looking back on this summer and am still upset with myself for allowing a man that I dated to get involved in our lives. One friend recently pointed out a close friend of hers who also was a single mom, waited until her kids had went through school before she began dating. I just don't personally want to put my life on hold for that many years. Plus, the weekends when I don't have my children, if I have the opportunity to spend time with a male friend, I don't see why I should ban myself from doing so. Other friends suggest that there is nothing wrong with dating while you are a single mom, just keep the kids out of it...well, it wasn't that direct or blunt, but rather wait until you've been dating for quite a while and are really sure about things before introducing the kids to anyone else in your life. Here is where I find the challenge. As my children, my daughter especially, is extremely smart and perceptive. She knows when I am dating someone, as she can tell when I am dressing up for a Wednesday night date...or sees left overs in the fridge from a restaurant, or can tell when I get more texts on my phone than I usually do. She knew quite quickly, that I met a new friend over the past two weeks. I am not going to lie to her and spoke honestly to her, that I do have a new friend. When she found out he had a daughter last night and was upset because I won't let the kids meet yet, I was honest with her. I reminded her that I allowed her to get to know the two children earlier this summer and then their dad and I decided not to keep dating right now in life. I felt awful that she had to stop seeing the kids and as her mom, I want to protect her from getting her feelings hurt again if I can. I told her I dont' know what will happen and maybe someday they will meet, but it's too soon for them to meet right now.
I was proud of myself last night, as much as I know my daughter felt letdown. Today though, I did allow the kids to meet him, just as a friend of mom's, who came with us to play at Devil's Lake with them. Afterwards he and my son played Wii for a little bit and he headed home. There was no kissing, hand holding or anything that would "lead my daughter on" to think that we were getting married as she does anytime she thinks of me dating. But yet tonight, I am beating myself up over having them meet. It went well and now they at least know who my friend is when I refer to him, yet I feel like I have done something wrong having them meet so soon. There is not a rule book out there for dating when you are a single mom, sometimes you almost wish there was. I stuck with what I said and there are still no kids involved and just because they met today, doesn't mean they have to spend every free evening he has with us. But I still feel guilty. I go back to my ex-finance and feel awful that I had so many memories with him and the kids. But part of knowing if a guy is one you'd want to spend your life with is seeing how he relates, interacts and such with your kids, right? I am not planning on marring the new guy I just met, I am quite frankly quite scared at the idea of marriage right now. Yet, I do enjoy having a companion to talk to, spend time with, share our ups and downs. That isn't a bad thing...right?
I know I worry too much, over reflect or analyze things too often, but when it involves my children, I feel like it's the right thing to do. To make sure I am looking out for their best interests, for their well begin, while still trying to move forward in my life. I appreciated one friend's perspective on dating while you are a single mom, when she pointed out it's a good lesson for my children, to see that Mom does date and that yes, a part of dating sometimes means that things have to end, but to know Mom is okay and that it doesn't change a thing about the relationship Mom and the children have. Sometime people come in and out of our lives, but we move on and make the best of life. Chances are my daughter or son won't marry the first person they believe to have fallen in love with...I wish I wouldn't have when I look back at the big picture. Knowing that part of life is meeting new people and hopefully one will be with you for long run, yet learning from all those friendships you make along the way. If I can set an example that I am a strong, confident (other than some evenings when they are asleep) Mom that can make it on her own., that loves and care for her children, makes a living teaching and helping others, serving God and trying to make the world a better place. A Mom that cherishes her friendships and family, and tries to stay optimistic on life. That sometimes friendships don't work out, but life continues on. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with us as a person, it just wasn't what was meant to be. I hope in the big picture, in the long run, they are able to see this. I know I have told others, that part of the reason why I would like to have a male friend involved in their lives while they are still the age they are, is to give them a positive, loving, caring male role model. My parents were not perfect, no parents are...but I do wish I could provide for them what at this point I can't. A home with a mother and father or bonus father for that matter some day. I am not trying to race out there and find a man...but I am looking at options instead of refusing to open new doors. I am trying to take things slower this time, for my kids sake, but even if today wasn't the right choice, which I still don't know, it wasn't the worse choice I could have made. So they met one of mom's friends. It was done appropriately and they all had a great day. I guess I can't keep beating myself up over that. Well, obviously I can, but it wont' do me any good.
As the next week and a half will be a challenge for the kids to transition back to school, I have to remind myself it is a good thing. With a new season, it will also bring new positive memories, new friends and new relationships for all of us. None of which are a bad thing.
I have made it through a rough couple of weeks emotionally and I suppose I need to cut myself some slack. It's hard to keep an upbeat, everything okays and life is good attitude for my kids during the summer, while I was also dealing with challenging news from past neighbors, police and more. I don't see anything else I can do right now to help with that situation, other than not to let that stress ruin the time I have with my children. I have spoken with and will continue to keep Child Protective Services informed, but past that, sadly, there really is not much I can do. It's just as life was in the fall of 2007 when my divorce began. I have to keep my head up and focus on the blessing I have. Know that God has good things in store for me, once I make it through the stormy patches in life.
Okay, enough rambling for this evening. The tears have now dried up, I have convinced myself I don't yet qualify for the worst mother award and will try again tomorrow. I have to remind myself I don't have to make each day a special event when I do have my kids. Just spending time together is all they truly care about. Even if the calendar of summer is winding down, they have, we have had a fun filled summer and there is no need to pack in the last week or so with extra plans. Less running and more relaxing is probably what we all need right now.
Thanks for listening/reading.
I have read a few friend's Facebook postings, saying how they can't wait...that they are counting the days until school begins again. In some ways I understand. It will be nice to begin a new school year, a new schedule...to know what each weekday has in store for us. Fall is my favorite season, with the beautiful autumn leaves, apple picking, pumpkin patches and all the other fun that comes with it. It's also a time to reflect on the end of a season, that summer is almost gone...and when it comes to me, that means to analyze all that it brought, good and bad.
I am not sure if it's genetic or if it's a female trait, to reflect and study life in all it's patterns and phases. I try to do this in order to take a lesson or lessons from it that I have learned in order to life a little wiser as the next season approaches. Sadly, I also tend to put myself down for not accomplishing things I wish I would have and to set new goals for the season ahead.
As parents tend to do, I believe, they look at the new school year in disbelief, that their child/children are already going into the grade they are. Where does the time go? Why do they have to grow up so fast? I am doing all I can to love, nurture, protect, help them learn and grow as individuals? Sometimes I just feel like such a failure. I suppose everyone has those days. I can't provide that home life that I wish I could. With a mother and father to sit down to dinner with them and talk about their day. To go out and do fun family adventures on the weekends. I do the best I can, which will have to do...but I still feel that I am letting them down, that they are missing out. I suppose I should also keep in perspective, they are also missing out on having to hear parents fight or argue...or worse. Fortunately, they were too young, or at least my son was, to ever remember any of that in our family. I suppose I can be grateful for that.
I also am looking back on this summer and am still upset with myself for allowing a man that I dated to get involved in our lives. One friend recently pointed out a close friend of hers who also was a single mom, waited until her kids had went through school before she began dating. I just don't personally want to put my life on hold for that many years. Plus, the weekends when I don't have my children, if I have the opportunity to spend time with a male friend, I don't see why I should ban myself from doing so. Other friends suggest that there is nothing wrong with dating while you are a single mom, just keep the kids out of it...well, it wasn't that direct or blunt, but rather wait until you've been dating for quite a while and are really sure about things before introducing the kids to anyone else in your life. Here is where I find the challenge. As my children, my daughter especially, is extremely smart and perceptive. She knows when I am dating someone, as she can tell when I am dressing up for a Wednesday night date...or sees left overs in the fridge from a restaurant, or can tell when I get more texts on my phone than I usually do. She knew quite quickly, that I met a new friend over the past two weeks. I am not going to lie to her and spoke honestly to her, that I do have a new friend. When she found out he had a daughter last night and was upset because I won't let the kids meet yet, I was honest with her. I reminded her that I allowed her to get to know the two children earlier this summer and then their dad and I decided not to keep dating right now in life. I felt awful that she had to stop seeing the kids and as her mom, I want to protect her from getting her feelings hurt again if I can. I told her I dont' know what will happen and maybe someday they will meet, but it's too soon for them to meet right now.
I was proud of myself last night, as much as I know my daughter felt letdown. Today though, I did allow the kids to meet him, just as a friend of mom's, who came with us to play at Devil's Lake with them. Afterwards he and my son played Wii for a little bit and he headed home. There was no kissing, hand holding or anything that would "lead my daughter on" to think that we were getting married as she does anytime she thinks of me dating. But yet tonight, I am beating myself up over having them meet. It went well and now they at least know who my friend is when I refer to him, yet I feel like I have done something wrong having them meet so soon. There is not a rule book out there for dating when you are a single mom, sometimes you almost wish there was. I stuck with what I said and there are still no kids involved and just because they met today, doesn't mean they have to spend every free evening he has with us. But I still feel guilty. I go back to my ex-finance and feel awful that I had so many memories with him and the kids. But part of knowing if a guy is one you'd want to spend your life with is seeing how he relates, interacts and such with your kids, right? I am not planning on marring the new guy I just met, I am quite frankly quite scared at the idea of marriage right now. Yet, I do enjoy having a companion to talk to, spend time with, share our ups and downs. That isn't a bad thing...right?
I know I worry too much, over reflect or analyze things too often, but when it involves my children, I feel like it's the right thing to do. To make sure I am looking out for their best interests, for their well begin, while still trying to move forward in my life. I appreciated one friend's perspective on dating while you are a single mom, when she pointed out it's a good lesson for my children, to see that Mom does date and that yes, a part of dating sometimes means that things have to end, but to know Mom is okay and that it doesn't change a thing about the relationship Mom and the children have. Sometime people come in and out of our lives, but we move on and make the best of life. Chances are my daughter or son won't marry the first person they believe to have fallen in love with...I wish I wouldn't have when I look back at the big picture. Knowing that part of life is meeting new people and hopefully one will be with you for long run, yet learning from all those friendships you make along the way. If I can set an example that I am a strong, confident (other than some evenings when they are asleep) Mom that can make it on her own., that loves and care for her children, makes a living teaching and helping others, serving God and trying to make the world a better place. A Mom that cherishes her friendships and family, and tries to stay optimistic on life. That sometimes friendships don't work out, but life continues on. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with us as a person, it just wasn't what was meant to be. I hope in the big picture, in the long run, they are able to see this. I know I have told others, that part of the reason why I would like to have a male friend involved in their lives while they are still the age they are, is to give them a positive, loving, caring male role model. My parents were not perfect, no parents are...but I do wish I could provide for them what at this point I can't. A home with a mother and father or bonus father for that matter some day. I am not trying to race out there and find a man...but I am looking at options instead of refusing to open new doors. I am trying to take things slower this time, for my kids sake, but even if today wasn't the right choice, which I still don't know, it wasn't the worse choice I could have made. So they met one of mom's friends. It was done appropriately and they all had a great day. I guess I can't keep beating myself up over that. Well, obviously I can, but it wont' do me any good.
As the next week and a half will be a challenge for the kids to transition back to school, I have to remind myself it is a good thing. With a new season, it will also bring new positive memories, new friends and new relationships for all of us. None of which are a bad thing.
I have made it through a rough couple of weeks emotionally and I suppose I need to cut myself some slack. It's hard to keep an upbeat, everything okays and life is good attitude for my kids during the summer, while I was also dealing with challenging news from past neighbors, police and more. I don't see anything else I can do right now to help with that situation, other than not to let that stress ruin the time I have with my children. I have spoken with and will continue to keep Child Protective Services informed, but past that, sadly, there really is not much I can do. It's just as life was in the fall of 2007 when my divorce began. I have to keep my head up and focus on the blessing I have. Know that God has good things in store for me, once I make it through the stormy patches in life.
Okay, enough rambling for this evening. The tears have now dried up, I have convinced myself I don't yet qualify for the worst mother award and will try again tomorrow. I have to remind myself I don't have to make each day a special event when I do have my kids. Just spending time together is all they truly care about. Even if the calendar of summer is winding down, they have, we have had a fun filled summer and there is no need to pack in the last week or so with extra plans. Less running and more relaxing is probably what we all need right now.
Thanks for listening/reading.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)