Earlier this evening, I posted to a friend that so much has happened the past few weeks, aside from Christmas, I suppose it is really time to blog again. Clicking on the new post button got me thinking, where do I begin this time? Last week, no really I should go back to the week before as I usually explain things chronologically...the most important thing before I explain any of it is that right now both of my amazing children are asleep out near the Christmas tree lights, safe, healthy and doing well. They have no clue of all that I'm about to type, other than I had lost my voice, energy and most of my patience the few days before Christmas, otherwise, amazingly, the rest of their world stayed the same.
A week ago Tuesday, I suppose it was a week to the day, before Christmas, I had went in to teach, but barely had a voice and was feeling lousy after catching some strain of the fever/cough/virus that my daughter had came home from school sick with the week prior. I received an email the day before, from my former mother-in-law, stating that things had been very hectic but they had got my ex into an impatient facility and that she'd be mailing a Christmas gift to the grand kids (also that she'd be out of town the week of Christmas). Tuesday evening then, I received a phone call (the next night) from my former sister-in-law, that began along the lines of, "I need to let you know what is going on as I couldn't live with myself if something happened and I hadn't warned you."
From there she explained that I needed to know my ex has been an extreme "Prepper" (I believe that was the term) and that he plans to come and take the kids before Friday to his 'bunker in the basement' to keep them safe. Keeping in mind he does not have any legal right to have them at this point, I listened concerned as she explained. She said that he is so far over the edge that when mom took him into the hospital (apparently he needed to go in and get his alcohol level checked before admitting him) that he went in wearing head to toe camo and a skeleton mask. Sadly, his mom had pointed out that his blood alcohol level was only .30 to which my former sister-in-law questioned, you mean .03, no, .30. His mom thought this was an improvement over last time. Apparently he was going on about harming a pet from back 20 years ago that his sister had so they did a CAT scan and MRI which she didn't know the results of but was hoping they sent along to the treatment center he was going to. She said it was over towards Milwaukee and that the only way he would agree to go, was if it was a center he could check himself out of at any time. Hearing this made me even more concerned. Then she explained that apparently she is now on his "list", number five to be exact and that if he did check himself out last week, she was convinced she was going to get a restraining order to keep him away from her and her family. I explained they are not that easy to obtain as it took quite a bit for me to get one the first time and that I currently do not have one right now. She went on his mother, some guy she doesn't know and then she are the top three power of attorneys for him and that she can't imagine that he'll ever be able to live on his own again, that her mom isn't going to take him in and is not sure where that will leave him then. She explained again that her mom is siding with him and thinks she is just angry and needs to seek help, that she is the one with the problem, to which I reminded her that is because she is too close to him to want to see the truth. She said she'd call me if she had heard from her mom that he did check himself out, but to just be careful as she doesn't know what he's going to do.
So, I somehow found a way to get off the phone, appear ok to my children, especially my son who has now checked on me in my bathroom with the door shut multiple times, as it's the only place in my house I can talk without him hearing...and explain that it was their Aunt and that their dad is having some troubles again and is hopefully getting help now. My daughter looks me right in the eyes and asks, "Mom, is he dead" to which, luckily this time, I could honestly say back no. I then had to convince my overtired son that he could wait to turn in his homework that I hadn't been able to help with a day late and I would email his teacher that something came up and we just couldn't get it done...although he was in tears of course thinking it was the end of the world.
That night I emailed a couple close friends what was going on as well as my parents, to which all were concerned if we should be staying at our house knowing all of this. I forwarded the message both to two police I have worked with in town and the one in charge in the town my ex lives in to which I did get a message back from him. He said he'd call in the morning and that we need to get right on this. I couldn't think of sleeping and finally messaged a good friend who's husband is a sheriff in Madison who was agreed with others who had already offered a place to stay, not to keep the kids at home that night. So I packed up clothes and school stuff for the next day and finally at about 11 PM woke the kids explaining that Grandma and Grandpa were concerned about my cough being so bad...that if I had to go in to the doctor in the night, they could take care of them and get them to school...so we spent the night (for the first time together) at Mom and Dad's in town. That next morning, my Dad took my son in to his school while I dropped off my daughter and waited until she was well inside before going into the office myself to notify the school counselor of my concerns. I explained to him, also, that the office does have a copy of the legal placement right now and that he is not to go with him, but with all that happened in the news out East, with not knowing what drugs he's been taking, with no job, etc...he's not in a good place and I was just extra concerned that he'd come and take them from school if he was going to get them. I continued, with little to no voice left, over to my son's school and after awkwardly introducing myself to their new counselor explained things to her too.
After this I was headed to the police station as I had already called and knew an officer I've worked with before we starting their shift soon, but first, on top of everything else, had to stop over at the house that was being inspected, as my kids and I will be moving in February...still in town, but to a small, less expensive place..I'll get back on that one...so I make it to the police station sounding just awful at this point, again explaining everything. They no longer use the varda? system that I had in my house when I first moved and he was threatening to take my life, but instead had tracking system of some sorts for my cell phone. With the blizzard on the way, they weren't as concerned for the school/kids the next day but more over the evening ahead. We went through things and I had to run into town to pick up a few things before the storm and told them I'd be back or call before the school day was over and let them know what I decided. Little did I know I'd be back five minutes later. As I was a couple blocks away a restricted call came in, which I assumed was the police station. I answered it to find out it was a social service worker of some sorts call on behalf of the medical institute my ex was in. I was taken back as I thought she had said a hospital and asked if he was still alive, so which she questioned me oddly why wouldn't he be? I explained he had made threats before and I knew he wasn't doing well. She said she was calling as she was legally required to let me know that he is convinced the world is ending on Friday (last week) and he plans to come and take the kids. I said yes, I had heard, to which she again was taken back and wondered how I'd possibly know that, to which I explained his sister had called me the night before concerned...to which she continued on explaining that they were going to be transporting him to a longer-term care center, but legally it was her job to warn me about this. I was so overwhelm at this point, not taking in everything clearly, I asked if she'd stay on the line while I drove back to the police station to explain this...which she explained she would not speak with any police...but at least she explained a few things again so I could write a few notes down once I was parked. I then went back in and they were hoping that it was a secured facility now, which would put everyone a little more at ease.
I left again for town and called my former sister-in-law on her cell at her work, as I explained to her, I thought she would appreciate knowing, as I had appreciated her update the night before. This time, perhaps being the next day, or her being at work, she didn't seem as concerned, more that he'd just come get the kids, not that he's going to hurt me or anything, but I no longer knew what to think.
I made it home and went along with the idea the police had not to mess up the children's routine, so I had them ride the bus, and fortunately they arrived safely. That evening, once they were finally asleep, as school was already cancelled due to the blizzard on the way, I finally got on the computer and did some more research on this place he was at. From the looks of it, he could get out on his own at any time so I finally called this information number to find out more. Sure enough, when I called, the man I spoke with said he could not confirm or deny that my ex was staying there, but could leave a message and if he was and if he wanted to could call me back...I then explained about the call earlier in the day from the center that delivered him, also explaining that he legally can not have the kids at this point and was concerned for their safety. He did explain to me that they do not have bars or anything to keep their residents in and they are able to check themselves out at any time. To which I was a bit nervous again....sending that information along to a few people as well. To all of that, I finally prayed and went to sleep with each child in my bed.
We woke up to a blizzard and as the day went on, a bit of relief for me as the awful weather was being described all over southern Wisconsin. At this point if he hadn't got here, hopefully he wouldn't be. The next morning, when the world did NOT come to an end, a little bigger sigh of relief that he no longer would be coming for that reason. We continued on with life, looking forward to my own sister's plane arriving (hopefully) that evening and were blessed by a visitor stopping by. A friend had called asking if they could drop something off...silly me thinking Christmas cookies or a Christmas card or something, here it was both her and her husband letting me know that I was picked by her husband through his work, to receive a gift on behalf of an anonymous man who donates Christmas money to those in need each year. I thanked them both from a distance (not hugging as not wanting to pass on my 'toxic germs' as my daughter was calling them) and after they left opened the card and the generous gift of cash, with a note to use the money to enjoy the holidays with my children. Or something to that extent...I have it and will keep it for many years to come. Along with the note, I have another letter I will keep for years to come too....as I arrived at the end of the week prior from a local radio station. Yes, the week before this week occurred, I received a phone call from another friend during my work day, honestly, the way she had emailed me asking if we could speak during my work hours, I was concerned something was wrong with her family...here, when she called and asked how I was doing, I started saying, well okay, considering it looks like I'll be losing my house now...here she then said she had two friends on the line that wanted to talk to me...it was a local radio station letting me know I was chosen to receive their holiday prize...here, she had sent in a wonderful letter about me and the situation not being good with my ex and how she had received help from this same contest years ago and wanted to pay the gift forward to me this year...sure enough, not only did I receive a copy of the letter, but a large check to make sure my kids had gifts this Christmas as well as a gift card to a local store for food too. I was speechless and less the was the week before I lost my voice.
On top of all this, Christmas Eve, one of my closest friends, who has been there for over 20 years with me now, through all of this, gave me a card at church before my daughter sang and played chimes during the prelude. I knew better than to open it then, but after the kids were finally in bed Christmas Eve, and the old black and white version of "It's A Wonderful Life" played on TV in the background, I opened the card, to find it was not just from her but from other who care so much about me, again with money and a gift card. At that point, what else could I do but start crying.
Christmas morning came, as did our celebration at my parents with the relatives from out of town...so nice to see them all, yet things have been so surreal lately, it was hard to make sense of everything, to be in the true Christmas spirit and mindset. Before I knew it, they were hugging goodbye and traveling home and I went to look at my phone and discovered I had missed a call from a number I didn't know. I listened to the voice mail to hear my ex...very sad and humble sounding, explaining that he just wanted to wish his kids a Merry Christmas, that I suppose you've told them their dad doesn't want to talk to them, but I...he was then crying again saying he just wanted too.." I called back right away, still out of the room from my kids/family and as the women said just a moment she'd find him, he no sooner answered and I began explaining that we were at my parents and that all the relatives were just leaving and I hadn't heard my phone. He seemed so relieved I had called and began saying, "I'm doing the right thing, I'm here, 10 days sober and I'm doing the right thing." He asked if I knew where he was, to which I said sort of....he explained that they have his meds right, that they were all messed up before and he's doing so much better now. I said that the kids got cards from his sister, brother and his mom had sent them a gift which was nice of them...he said that he's so broke and can't get them anything, that he's sure he's going to probably lose the house too...I said, yes I know, I am going to too, but this isn't the time to talk about that and asked if he wanted to talk to the kids....which they then talked in my parents bedroom, while my sister, parents and I were in the family room right nearby. Good, bad, or otherwise, listening to their entire conversation as it was on speaker phone (my daughter loves talking that way)...he asked what they got for Christmas, explained that Daddy was in a hospital getting help and hopefully would be out in about a month or so and can hopefully find a job then (I hadn't told them he had lost his job, they didnt' need to know that)....he talked a little longer and I peaked my head in the room and my daughter was saying something to him about getting going...he said to both of them that he really hopes he'll be out by my daughter's birthday in February so he can see them then and was now crying again saying how much he missed them....I held it together and somehow we went back in the other room with my family. My son made a comment about missing his dad and asked when we could go home. My daughter played a few more minutes with her Nook she had been using and soon we did decide to get going as it was about time to let our puppy out.
I emailed two of my friends, who have been through all of the stuff the past five years with me, explaining about the call and wishing them a Merry Christmas again in my email. To which, one emailed back and couldn't have explained it better. It is good that he's getting help and that the kids were able to talk to him, at the same time how sad to have to have ended Christmas like that. Along with a few other comments about how hard it must have been for me to hear him again like he use to sound, yet not knowing what's really going on with him. So true. Sadly, even if he does stay in treatment for a month, there is no way of knowing what will happen once he checks out.
I couldn't blog, or type much of what all was going on while it was going on as the feelings were just too raw, for lack of a better word. It didn't help at all that we got engaged on Christmas Eve back in 1997, or that we had our first date the day after Christmas in 1990. It just is what it is and we made it through.
As I said before, amazingly, the children never knew about the threat of him coming this time, or when they found a noose at his place during the divorce, about my past restraining order, or the many other things that have happened over the past five plus years now....amazingly they just know they are loved.
On that note, I do have to let you know, I just don't know when or how, that we will be moving at the beginning of next year. With no child support coming in and no way of knowing if or when or how much will in the future, we just can't afford to stay here. As my parents had explained just two days prior to that call from my friend and the radio station...the amount of work/upkeep, fixing this house needs, plus over half of my income/child support not coming in anymore I just can't afford to keep it. As they explained this, my parents also explained they've been looking at places in town, smaller, but still a house so we can keep our pets and had two I was to go tour with the that next day. Fortunately, after we saw the second one, it looked hopefully that it might work and my parents then did more looking into it, as my Dad began his retirement as an employee for a real estate firm in Madison. He and my mom explained they were looking into buying the place as a rental property, so down the road they would sell it again once I was ?back on my feet and able to buy my own place? ....anyway it is a good investment, I can see that, it's still in town and the kids won't have to worry about losing our pets as we would if we ended up in an apartment...I just wasnt' too sure on how excited I was or am at having my parents as my landlords...I explained that to them too, but they are convinced they are viewing it at my place...to which on that next day, said "Who knows, if you ended up alone, it might be a nice place for you to buy from us and live it once the kids move out." Gotta love my mom and dad...I know their heart it is in the right place and they are doing this out of love...I know I really don't have another choice and that they do take excellent care of anything they own...as growing up they owned an apartment building...anyway, they plan to have the kids pick out colors they want to paint their rooms before they move in and it really is in much better shape in so many ways than the place we are in now. Just the thought of moving and starting over once again...hopefully this one, this home will bring with it even more positive memories. On a positive note, it will be good to know we will have a place to live regardless of whether or not I am receiving child support...and one more perk for my parents...the kids will be able to walk or ride their bikes to Grandma and Grandpa's from the new place...sigh.
As I know I won't blog again before the start of the new year, speaking of the new year, I just remembered one more gift of kindness that I need to include, as the card came without a return address and was not signed, but had in it a generous VISA gift card and a note saying here's to a much better 2013! Yes, that's how I should end this post and year...even though we were blessed with a new kitten, puppy, so many caring friends and events this past year, it's the challenges of the two dogs that did pass away, the challenges of my ex, the trees that fell on our yard/house, the broken garage door, the new tires needed, the kids no longer seeing their dad, him going to jail to start the year and didn't end it much better....it's been a very challenging year...but we've made it through and are yes, looking forward to a much better 2013.
May you, who are reading, be blessed with a wonderful 2013 as well.
