Four years ago today, the papers were filed, I told my sister on the phone as I was driving home from yoga tonight. I continued, explaining that I had planned on writing in my journal over lunch about this, but as I had to drop off my forms to be a Girl Scout Troop Leader for my daughter's troop, I didn't end up having time. I told her, since I am helping out as a Leader in my son's Cub Scout Den, I might as well help out with her Troop...and they really needed a second leader, as one of the main two was stepping down. When I told my good friend this today, she laughed at me, why not! You are already Coaching your son's soccer, a leader in Cub Scouts, teaching preschool, now teaching music classes, beginning Spark Night (our church's mid-week ministry) next week...why not take on Girl Scouts too.
Really, I was planning to type on how great I was feeling about my life. How I am blessed to have the time and opportunity to do all these wonderful things right now in my life. I am not having to deal with surgery or cancer treatments. I am no longer searching Match, or Christian Mingle websites searching for "the one". I am trying to see the good, the positives of what I've been given.
I have been listening to Christian music again and reminded when I am driving to and from work, reminded that 'we lose our way...we get back up again' and 'sometimes a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know your his'. It's hard to trust God when things in your life get challenging. I know, that's when you need him most, but it's hard to understand why he allows things to happen.
I found two new books, one of which I have finished since my last entry, 'Sacred Singleness' by Leslie Ludy and 'The Search for Significance' which I have just begun. The first book pointed out that God is asking you to look for him to fill all of your needs. That he can and will be there in ways a earthly prince can not. I understood, agreed with the idea that our discontentment with singleness can't be solved by finding a guy. Also, that we can't expect another man/women to meet every need and longing of our heart. The idea is stated to laid everything down at the feet of my King...I died to self's agenda..the moment I truly began to live for the first time.' To allow yourself to let go and to trust God to script our love story in His own perfect time, without manipulation on our part.
I believe in God, I know he has plans for my life, that he has blessed me in so many ways, I couldn't possibly list them all here. Why is it, then, that when it comes to trusting him to bring my "soul mate" to me in His perfect time, seems crazy to me? Is it because I am impatient? Or that I just don't know that he will. That I prayed for things to work out for my ex-husband and I, which it did not, and now I don't know what to believe.
Four years ago, I had read books on The Power of a Praying Wife and thought my prayers weren't strong enough, or weren't being heard. Now, I know they were. They were just being answered in a way I didn't think I wanted back then. I am not saying God wanted me to get divorced, go through the suffering and pain I have, but in doing so, I truly am in a better place today.
When I was talking to my sister, on the ride home tonight, I sarcastically told her, "Yeah, four years later and I can I write how much better things are? I dropped off my kids at his place tonight, he came over to my minivan and told me I'd better watch out, those phone calls I'm making about his friends, they know and I'd be watching out if I were you." I continued on, "I looked straight into his rough looking eyes, his weather face and said I have no clue what you are talking about, I haven't made any phone calls"...he just continued, "They know, they know and I'd watch out." I just rolled up the window and drove away. Unfortunately, letting him get to me once again.
As I told her, it's not as much him, but if he's convincing ex-cons, guys involved in drugs, that I am calling the police? I am really not sure who he thinks I am calling...if they are after me...that is what scared me tonight.
My sister, trying to look on the bright side, said, "Well, at least you aren't married to him anymore!". True, but I still have to leave my kids with him. Which is very upsetting at times like tonight. I drove past our closed police station, not sure what to do and decided I'd head to Yoga Class at Gold's, as I couldn't sit home alone right now with my thoughts. I made it through class...almost starting crying when we got to the "silence time" when we are suppose to be "at peace"...hard to be at peace when your life is being threatened again and there is nothing you can do about it.
I started my day so positive, so upbeat...I was excited to have made Turkey bacon and waffles for the kids before they headed off to school. We had another successful soccer practice last night and tomorrow night, the kick-off for the Mid-Week Ministry I get to direct...which honestly, is like a night with my second family. I can't wait to get that going again...I am enjoying my new additional job running music classes at the preschool, as well as teaching again...I am blessed in so many ways. If only I didn't have to worry about my checking account (another battle to tackle another day) and my ex husband life would be ohh soo good! Okay, as many of my shirts say, Life Is Good. We all have battles to face. We are suppose to get through them and become stronger, wiser when we are standing at the end. I am blessed and so much wiser than four years ago...just imagine where I'll be in fourt more!
