Wow, September huh, can't believe I've been away so long...or rather have not been away alone long enough to journal or blog. In the past week, I have discovered a few things, not sure that they would be classified as good things...
First, a tip to save money on Black Friday...wake up with the flu.
Second, just when you think you are starting to get your strength back from the flu/virus you have been flatted with...beware of your email. Why you ask? Well, it was then I received the two emails from my former Mother-in-law, letting me know the current state of things...although I feel I should back up a step before explaining what she said.
Ironically, the night before, about midnight, or so, I couldn't sleep and started having all this anxiety about my ex-husband. I had not heard a thing good or bad about him, it just hit out of the blue and I couldn't figure out why.
Then, mid-afternoon these emails arrived and I realized the reason for the women's intuition the night before. The first email stated that I needed to know that my ex-husband lost his job a week ago and that his benefits(and my children's) will end the 30th of the month. (In seven days). Then it continued to say that he was at a detox in the city and she will not be able to talk to him for a couple of days. Hopefully the children can go on Cobra she explained. Next, a couple hours later, I received a second email explaining that she had called in to find out about insurance for him and the kids and discovered he never had them under his insurance policy (since beginning his job this summer). She seemed shocked by this, but sadly I wasn't...angry/concerned, but not shocked.
I closed my computer, got up to walk around after the first email and tried to process what I had read. First, he lost his job. I once again will be facing period of no child support in the who-knows-how near future...which quickly snowballs into, will I lose my house this time, will I have to find a different job, will he be hired by anyone after being let go twice this year now....I tried to snap out of it and my mind then wanders off to the other direction...I read in the report how bad of shape he was in when he went into the hospital back in February, how bad was it this time? Is he going to make it through this? How much longer will his body be able to take this?
I had to stop my mind from spinning and I made two calls and honestly I can't remember which order it was in. I call the local police to see if I could speak with one of the officers that has worked on our cases in the past to see if they knew anything more...and the second call was to my Pastor as I had to speak to someone about this before my kids got home from school.
When the secretary answered the phone at the local police station and I asked if the officer was in, apparently I had just missed them, but they'd be back tomorrow. She asked me if I was calling in to get a copy of the report. Report? There is a report? Of course there is a report I said to myself in my head, once again my intuition was right. I went in after work today and found out that the local police accompanied the sheriff in getting him to leave him home/get into an ambulance to the ER. It stated his had drank 14 1.5 Liters of Vodka in the past week.
It was after this, this afternoon, that my former sister-in-law, would you call her? Called me. Shocked, as I maybe have had a call from her once since the divorce five years ago, she said she was calling as she was sorry she had missed my son's birthday and wanted to make sure she had the right address to send a gift. Then she continued on asking how I was doing. Hanging in there, or something to that extent I nervously answered. A bit worried since I received the emails from her mom I added. She asked if I received the pictures too? Pictures?!? I went out of earshot of my children and spoke a bit longer....I heard of how the morning he was taken in, the neighbor, who she said didn't really hang out with him much anymore, called saying he was concerned about him. His mom then went over that afternoon to find him passed out/sleep and was for some time after she had entered. She said his arm we all bloody as he must have fallen when he was drunk, and I wasn't clear if the pictures were of that or the house, as she said it was just trashed with vomit and blood all over. His mom apparently called her (his sister), she explained, not knowing if she should wake him and his sister thought she should, as for all they knew he could have hit his head or who knows what else...so she did and he won't agree to go get his arm checked out at an ER, so she called 911...thus the ambulance. She continued on, explaining that when he was at the ER and his mom wanted him or the doctor wanted him to go to detox, he apparently ripped out his IV and ran down the hall...thus a police had to take him to the place he is at now. She said something about blowing at .37something that many hours later once he made it to the ER.
SO how does one process all of this. How does the mind, maybe I should preface it with the female mind work in matters like this. It jumps back and forth between emotions is what it does. A small part of you remembers him as we has back in 1990 when you first started dating and only reflects on the positives until the divorce...remembers all the good that could and at times did come from him and blocks out all the awful reality I also faced with him. As a Christian, as a human, how can I not worry about him. The thought of my old house. Then, the voices from others around me recently, sound it that I am not married to him anymore...that I took care of him for all those years and now he has to learn how to do it on his own. There is nothing I could have done or did do to cause any of this. If anything, I have been told, I should be angry that he can't be a father, can be responsible, can't clean up his act and be able to take care of his kids. Then there is fear, as we can't afford our home/life as it is now if we don't receive child support anymore. If he doesn't make it through this, if he doesn't find a new job...how will we make ends meet? Then there is anger at myself, that I haven't yet figured out a way on my own to support the kids and I without his support. One positive a friends stated, that at least the children are with me full time right now, and they don't even have to know any of this is going on. True, but at what point will he be in such bad shape I'll have to tell them. At what point will he lose the house? Or his life if he keeps up in this way. Apparently he's just in the detox now and his mom is hoping he'll enter the impatient treatment, but if he's not willing too, I'm not sure how that will work either.
So many unknowns and yet I have to refocus, I was reminded today. Getting back to work, not 100%, but healthy enough to be back, I was able to get out of the house and while part of the day my mind kept thinking we're going to lose the house, how am I going to tell the kids, what will happen to our puppy? Now what? I somehow got to a point that I was able to remember I was in this same boat when he lost his job at the start of summer and things were okay. Also, that my priority should be that my children are okay. Healthy, safe, amazing and that is truly what should matter. If we have to face all that, we will, but I can't ruin today with all those worries if there is a chance they won't really come true. Maybe there are other options I am not thinking of. Maybe I should just keep praying and figure out how to make it through another day. That is what I did and what I will continue to do. Pray that God will once again, help us through this new obstacle in our life.
