The weeks before Christmas...and hope for 2013

Earlier this evening, I posted to a friend that so much has happened the past few weeks, aside from Christmas, I suppose it is really time to blog again.  Clicking on the new post button got me thinking, where do I begin this time?  Last week, no really I should go back to the week before as I usually explain things chronologically...the most important thing before I explain any of it is that right now both of my amazing children are asleep out near the Christmas tree lights, safe, healthy and doing well.  They have no clue of all that I'm about to type, other than I had lost my voice, energy and most of my patience the few days before Christmas, otherwise, amazingly, the rest of their world stayed the same.

A week ago Tuesday, I suppose it was a week to the day, before Christmas, I had went in to teach, but barely had a voice and was feeling lousy after catching some strain of the fever/cough/virus that my daughter had came home from school sick with the week prior.  I received an email the day before, from my former mother-in-law, stating that things had been very hectic but they had got my ex into an impatient facility and that she'd be mailing a Christmas gift to the grand kids (also that she'd be out of town the week of Christmas).  Tuesday evening then, I received a phone call (the next night) from my former sister-in-law, that began along the lines of, "I need to let you know what is going on as I couldn't live with myself if something happened and I hadn't warned you."

From there she explained that I needed to know my ex has been an extreme "Prepper" (I believe that was the term) and that he plans to come and take the kids before Friday to his 'bunker in the basement' to keep them safe.  Keeping in mind he does not have any legal right to have them at this point, I listened concerned as she explained.  She said that he is so far over the edge that when mom took him into the hospital (apparently he needed to go in and get his alcohol level checked before admitting him) that he went in wearing head to toe camo and a skeleton mask.  Sadly, his mom had pointed out that his blood alcohol level was only .30 to which my former sister-in-law questioned, you mean .03, no, .30.  His mom thought this was an improvement over last time.  Apparently he was going on about harming a pet from back 20 years ago that his sister had so they did a CAT scan and MRI which she didn't know the results of but was hoping they sent along to the treatment center he was going to.  She said it was over towards Milwaukee and that the only way he would agree to go, was if it was a center he could check himself out of at any time.  Hearing this made me even more concerned. Then she explained that apparently she is now on his "list", number five to be exact and that if he did check himself out last week, she was convinced she was going to get a restraining order to keep him away from her and her family.  I explained they are not that easy to obtain as it took quite a bit for me to get one the first time and that I currently do not have one right now.  She went on his mother, some guy she doesn't know and then she are the top three power of attorneys for him and that she can't imagine that he'll ever be able to live on his own again, that her mom isn't going to take him in and is not sure where that will leave him then.  She explained again that her mom is siding with him and thinks she is just angry and needs to seek help, that she is the one with the problem, to which I reminded her that is because she is too close to him to want to see the truth.  She said she'd call me if she had heard from her mom that he did check himself out, but to just be careful as she doesn't know what he's going to do.

So, I somehow found a way to get off the phone, appear ok to my children, especially my son who has now checked on me in my bathroom with the door shut multiple times, as it's the only place in my house I can talk without him hearing...and explain that it was their Aunt and that their dad is having some troubles again and is hopefully getting help now.  My daughter looks me right in the eyes and asks, "Mom, is he dead" to which, luckily this time, I could honestly say back no.  I then had to convince my overtired son that he could wait to turn in his homework that I hadn't been able to help with a day late and I would email his teacher that something came up and we just couldn't get it done...although he was in tears of course thinking it was the end of the world.

That night I emailed a couple close friends what was going on as well as my parents, to which all were concerned if we should be staying at our house knowing all of this.  I forwarded the message both to two police I have worked with in town and the one in charge in the town my ex lives in to which I did get a message back from him.  He said he'd call in the morning and that we need to get right on this.  I couldn't think of sleeping and finally messaged a good friend who's husband is a sheriff in Madison who was agreed with others who had already offered a place to stay, not to keep the kids at home that night.  So I packed up clothes and school stuff for the next day and finally at about 11 PM woke the kids explaining that Grandma and Grandpa were concerned about my cough being so bad...that if I had to go in to the doctor in the night, they could take care of them and get them to school...so we spent the night (for the first time together) at Mom and Dad's in town.  That next morning, my Dad took my son in to his school while I dropped off my daughter and waited until she was well inside before going into the office myself to notify the school counselor of my concerns.  I explained to him, also, that the office does have a copy of the legal placement right now and that he is not to go with him, but with all that happened in the news out East, with not knowing what drugs he's been taking, with no job, etc...he's not in a good place and I was just extra concerned that he'd come and take them from school if he was going to get them.  I continued, with little to no voice left, over to my son's school and after awkwardly introducing myself to their new counselor explained things to her too. 

After this I was headed to the police station as I had already called and knew an officer I've worked with before we starting their shift soon, but first, on top of everything else, had to stop over at the house that was being inspected, as my kids and I will be moving in February...still in town, but to a small, less expensive place..I'll get back on that one...so I make it to the police station sounding just awful at this point, again explaining everything.  They no longer use the varda? system that I had in my house when I first moved and he was threatening to take my life, but instead had tracking system of some sorts for my cell phone.  With the blizzard on the way, they weren't as concerned for the school/kids the next day but more over the evening ahead.  We went through things and I had to run into town to pick up a few things before the storm and told them I'd be back or call before the school day was over and let them know what I decided.  Little did I know I'd be back five minutes later.  As I was a couple blocks away a restricted call came in, which I assumed was the police station.  I answered it to find out it was a social service worker of some sorts call on behalf of the medical institute my ex was in.  I was taken back as I thought she had said a hospital and asked if he was still alive, so which she questioned me oddly why wouldn't he be?  I explained he had made threats before and I knew he wasn't doing well.  She said she was calling as she was legally required to let me know that he is convinced the world is ending on Friday (last week) and he plans to come and take the kids.  I said yes, I had heard, to which she again was taken back and wondered how I'd possibly know that, to which I explained his sister had called me the night before concerned...to which she continued on explaining that they were going to be transporting him to a longer-term care center, but legally it was her job to warn me about this.  I was so overwhelm at this point, not taking in everything clearly, I asked if she'd stay on the line while I drove back to the police station to explain this...which she explained she would not speak with any police...but at least she explained a few things again so I could write a few notes down once I was parked.  I then went back in and they were hoping that it was a secured facility now, which would put everyone a little more at ease. 

I left again for town and called my former sister-in-law on her cell at her work, as I explained to her, I thought she would appreciate knowing, as I had appreciated her update the night before. This time, perhaps being the next day, or her being at work, she didn't seem as concerned, more that he'd just come get the kids, not that he's going to hurt me or anything, but I no longer knew what to think.

I made it home and went along with the idea the police had not to mess up the children's routine, so I had them ride the bus, and fortunately they arrived safely.  That evening, once they were finally asleep, as school was already cancelled due to the blizzard on the way, I finally got on the computer and did some more research on this place he was at.  From the looks of it, he could get out on his own at any time so I finally called this information number to find out more.  Sure enough, when I called, the man I spoke with said he could not confirm or deny that my ex was staying there, but could leave a message and if he was and if he wanted to could call me back...I then explained about the call earlier in the day from the center that delivered him, also explaining that he legally can not have the kids at this point and was concerned for their safety.  He did explain to me that they do not have bars or anything to keep their residents in and they are able to check themselves out at any time.  To which I was a bit nervous again....sending that information along to a few people as well.  To all of that, I finally prayed and went to sleep with each child in my bed.

We woke up to a blizzard and as the day went on, a bit of relief for me as the awful weather was being described all over southern Wisconsin.  At this point if he hadn't got here, hopefully he wouldn't be.  The next morning, when the world did NOT come to an end, a little bigger sigh of relief that he no longer would be coming for that reason.  We continued on with life, looking forward to my own sister's plane arriving (hopefully) that evening and were blessed by a visitor stopping by.  A friend had called asking if they could drop something off...silly me thinking Christmas cookies or a Christmas card or something, here it was both her and her husband letting me know that I was picked by her husband through his work, to receive a gift on behalf of an anonymous man who donates Christmas money to those in need each year.  I thanked them both from a distance (not hugging as not wanting to pass on my 'toxic germs' as my daughter was calling them) and after they left opened the card and the generous gift of cash, with a note to use the money to enjoy the holidays with my children.  Or something to that extent...I have it and will keep it for many years to come.  Along with the note, I have another letter I will keep for years to come too....as I arrived at the end of the week prior from a local radio station.  Yes, the week before this week occurred, I received a phone call from another friend during my work day, honestly, the way she had emailed me asking if we could speak during my work hours, I was concerned something was wrong with her family...here, when she called and asked how I was doing, I started saying, well okay, considering it looks like I'll be losing my house now...here she then said she had two friends on the line that wanted to talk to me...it was a local radio station letting me know I was chosen to receive their holiday prize...here, she had sent in a wonderful letter about me and the situation not being good with my ex and how she had received help from this same contest years ago and wanted to pay the gift forward to me this year...sure enough, not only did I receive a copy of the letter, but a large check to make sure my kids had gifts this Christmas as well as a gift card to a local store for food too.  I was speechless and less the was the week before I lost my voice.

On top of all this, Christmas Eve, one of my closest friends, who has been there for over 20 years with me now, through all of this, gave me a card at church before my daughter sang and played chimes during the prelude.  I knew better than to open it then, but after the kids were finally in bed Christmas Eve, and the old black and white version of "It's A Wonderful Life" played on TV in the background, I opened the card, to find it was not just from her but from other who care so much about me, again with money and a gift card.  At that point, what else could I do but start crying.

Christmas morning came, as did our celebration at my parents with the relatives from out of town...so nice to see them all, yet things have been so surreal lately, it was hard to make sense of everything, to be in the true Christmas spirit and mindset.  Before I knew it, they were hugging goodbye and traveling home and I went to look at my phone and discovered I had missed a call from a number I didn't know.  I listened to the voice mail to hear my ex...very sad and humble sounding, explaining that he just wanted to wish his kids a Merry Christmas, that I suppose you've told them their dad doesn't want to talk to them, but I...he was then crying again saying he just wanted too.."  I called back right away, still out of the room from my kids/family and as the women said just a moment she'd find him, he no sooner answered and I began explaining that we were at my parents and that all the relatives were just leaving and I hadn't heard my phone.  He seemed so relieved I had called and began saying, "I'm doing the right thing, I'm here, 10 days sober and I'm doing the right thing." He asked if I knew where he was, to which I said sort of....he explained that they have his meds right, that they were all messed up before and he's doing so much better now.  I said that the kids got cards from his sister, brother and his mom had sent them a gift which was nice of them...he said that he's so broke and can't get them anything, that he's sure he's going to probably lose the house too...I said, yes I know, I am going to too, but this isn't the time to talk about that and asked if he wanted to talk to the kids....which they then talked in my parents bedroom, while my sister, parents and I were in the family room right nearby.  Good, bad, or otherwise, listening to their entire conversation as it was on speaker phone (my daughter loves talking that way)...he asked what they got for Christmas, explained that Daddy was in a hospital getting help and hopefully would be out in about a month or so and can hopefully find a job then (I hadn't told them he had lost his job, they didnt' need to know that)....he talked a little longer and I peaked my head in the room and my daughter was saying something to him about getting going...he said to both of them that he really hopes he'll be out by my daughter's birthday in February so he can see them then and was now crying again saying how much he missed them....I held it together and somehow we went back in the other room with my family.  My son made a comment about missing his dad and asked when we could go home.  My daughter played a few more minutes with her Nook she had been using and soon we did decide to get going as it was about time to let our puppy out. 

I emailed two of my friends, who have been through all of the stuff the past five years with me, explaining about the call and wishing them a Merry Christmas again in my email.  To which, one emailed back and couldn't have explained it better.  It is good that he's getting help and that the kids were able to talk to him, at the same time how sad to have to have ended Christmas like that.  Along with a few other comments about how hard it must have been for me to hear him again like he use to sound, yet not knowing what's really going on with him.  So true.  Sadly, even if he does stay in treatment for a month, there is no way of knowing what will happen once he checks out.

I couldn't blog, or type much of what all was going on while it was going on as the feelings were just too raw, for lack of a better word.  It didn't help at all that we got engaged on Christmas Eve back in 1997, or that we had our first date the day after Christmas in 1990.  It just is what it is and we made it through.

As I said before, amazingly, the children never knew about the threat of him coming this time, or when they found a noose at his place during the divorce, about my past restraining order, or the many other things that have happened over the past five plus years now....amazingly they just know they are loved.

On that note, I do have to let you know, I just don't know when or how, that we will be moving at the beginning of next year.  With no child support coming in and no way of knowing if or when or how much will in the future, we just can't afford to stay here.  As my parents had explained just two days prior to that call from my friend and the radio station...the amount of work/upkeep, fixing this house needs, plus over half of my income/child support not coming in anymore I just can't afford to keep it.  As they explained this, my parents also explained they've been looking at places in town, smaller, but still a house so we can keep our pets and had two I was to go tour with the that next day.  Fortunately, after we saw the second one, it looked hopefully that it might work and my parents then did more looking into it, as my Dad began his retirement as an employee for a real estate firm in Madison.  He and my mom explained they were looking into buying the place as a rental property, so down the road they would sell it again once I was ?back on my feet and able to buy my own place? ....anyway it is a good investment, I can see that, it's still in town and the kids won't have to worry about losing our pets as we would if we ended up in an apartment...I just wasnt' too sure on how excited I was or am at having my parents as my landlords...I explained that to them too, but they are convinced they are viewing it at my place...to which on that next day, said "Who knows, if you ended up alone, it might be a nice place for you to buy from us and live it once the kids move out."  Gotta love my mom and dad...I know their heart it is in the right place and they are doing this out of love...I know I really don't have another choice and that they do take excellent care of anything they own...as growing up they owned an apartment building...anyway, they plan to have the kids pick out colors they want to paint their rooms before they move in and it really is in much better shape in so many ways than the place we are in now.  Just the thought of moving and starting over once again...hopefully this one, this home will bring with it even more positive memories.  On a positive note, it will be good to know we will have a place to live regardless of whether or not I am receiving child support...and one more perk for my parents...the kids will be able to walk or ride their bikes to Grandma and Grandpa's from the new place...sigh.

As I know I won't blog again before the start of the new year, speaking of the new year, I just remembered one more gift of kindness that I need to include, as the card came without a return address and was not signed, but had in it a generous VISA gift card and a note saying here's to a much better 2013!  Yes, that's how I should end this post and year...even though we were blessed with a new kitten, puppy, so many caring friends and events this past year, it's the challenges of the two dogs that did pass away, the challenges of my ex, the trees that fell on our yard/house, the broken garage door, the new tires needed, the kids no longer seeing their dad, him going to jail to start the year and didn't end it much better....it's been a very challenging year...but we've made it through and are yes, looking forward to a much better 2013.

May you, who are reading, be blessed with a wonderful 2013 as well.

Finding strength when you are down...

Wow, September huh, can't believe I've been away so long...or rather have not been away alone long enough to journal or blog.  In the past week, I have discovered a few things, not sure that they would be classified as good things...

First, a tip to save money on Black Friday...wake up with the flu.
Second, just when you think you are starting to get your strength back from the flu/virus you have been flatted with...beware of your email.  Why you ask?  Well, it was then I received the two emails from my former Mother-in-law, letting me know the current state of things...although I feel I should back up a step before explaining what she said.

Ironically, the night before, about midnight, or so, I couldn't sleep and started having all this anxiety about my ex-husband.  I had not heard a thing good or bad about him, it just hit out of the blue and I couldn't figure out why.

Then, mid-afternoon these emails arrived and I realized the reason for the women's intuition the night before.  The first email stated that I needed to know that my ex-husband lost his job a week ago and that his benefits(and my children's) will end the 30th of the month.  (In seven days).  Then it continued to say that he was at a detox in the city and she will not be able to talk to him for a couple of days.  Hopefully the children can go on Cobra she explained.  Next, a couple hours later, I received a second email explaining that she had called in to find out about insurance for him and the kids and discovered he never had them under his insurance policy (since beginning his job this summer).  She seemed shocked by this, but sadly I wasn't...angry/concerned, but not shocked.

I closed my computer, got up to walk around after the first email and tried to process what I had read.  First, he lost his job.  I once again will be facing  period of no child support in the who-knows-how near future...which quickly snowballs into, will I lose my house this time, will I have to find a different job, will he be hired by anyone after being let go twice this year now....I tried to snap out of it and my mind then wanders off to the other direction...I read in the report how bad of shape he was in when he went into the hospital back in February, how bad was it this time?  Is he going to make it through this?  How much longer will his body be able to take this?

I had to stop my mind from spinning and I made two calls and honestly I can't remember which order it was in.  I call the local police to see if I could speak with one of the officers that has worked on our cases in the past to see if they knew anything more...and the second call was to my Pastor as I had to speak to someone about this before my kids got home from school.

When the secretary answered the phone at the local police station and I asked if the officer was in, apparently I had just missed them, but they'd be back tomorrow.  She asked me if I was calling in to get a copy of the report.  Report?  There is a report?  Of course there is a report I said to myself in my head, once again my intuition was right.  I went in after work today and found out that the local police accompanied the sheriff in getting him to leave him home/get into an ambulance to the ER.  It stated his had drank 14 1.5 Liters of Vodka in the past week.

It was after this, this afternoon, that my former sister-in-law, would you call her?  Called me.  Shocked, as I maybe have had a call from her once since the divorce five years ago, she said she was calling as she was sorry she had missed my son's birthday and wanted to make sure she had the right address to send a gift.  Then she continued on asking how I was doing.  Hanging in there, or something to that extent I nervously answered.  A bit worried since I received the emails from her mom I added.  She asked if I received the pictures too?  Pictures?!?  I went out of earshot of my children and spoke a bit longer....I heard of how the morning he was taken in, the neighbor, who she said didn't really hang out with him much anymore, called saying he was concerned about him.  His mom then went over that afternoon to find him passed out/sleep and was for some time after she had entered.  She said his arm we all bloody as he must have fallen when he was drunk, and I wasn't clear if the pictures were of that or the house, as she said it was just trashed with vomit and blood all over.  His mom apparently called her (his sister), she explained, not knowing if she should wake him and his sister thought she should, as for all they knew he could have hit his head or who knows what else...so she did and he won't agree to go get his arm checked out at an ER, so she called 911...thus the ambulance.  She continued on, explaining that when he was at the ER and his mom wanted him or the doctor wanted him to go to detox, he apparently ripped out his IV and ran down the hall...thus a police had to take him to the place he is at now.  She said something about blowing at .37something that many hours later once he made it to the ER.

SO how does one process all of this.  How does the mind, maybe I should preface it with the female mind work in matters like this.  It jumps back and forth between emotions is what it does.  A small part of you remembers him as we has back in 1990 when you first started dating and only reflects on the positives until the divorce...remembers all the good that could and at times did come from him and blocks out all the awful reality I also faced with him.  As a Christian, as a human, how can I not worry about him.  The thought of my old house.   Then, the voices from others around me recently, sound it that I am not married to him anymore...that I took care of him for all those years and now he has to learn how to do it on his own.  There is nothing I could have done or did do to cause any of this.  If anything, I have been told, I should be angry that he can't be a father, can be responsible, can't clean up his act and be able to take care of his kids.  Then there is fear, as we can't afford our home/life as it is now if we don't receive child support anymore.  If he doesn't make it through this, if he doesn't find a new job...how will we make ends meet?  Then there is anger at myself, that I haven't yet figured out a way on my own to support the kids and I without his support.  One positive a friends stated, that at least the children are with me full time right now, and they don't even have to know any of this is going on.  True, but at what point will he be in such bad shape I'll have to tell them.  At what point will he lose the house?  Or his life if he keeps up in this way.  Apparently he's just in the detox now and his mom is hoping he'll enter the impatient treatment, but if he's not willing too, I'm not sure how that will work either.

So many unknowns and yet I have to refocus, I was reminded today.  Getting back to work, not 100%, but healthy enough to be back, I was able to get out of the house and while part of the day my mind kept thinking we're going to lose the house, how am I going to tell the kids, what will happen to our puppy?  Now what?  I somehow got to a point that I was able to remember I was in this same boat when he lost his job at the start of summer and things were okay.  Also, that my priority should be that my children are okay.  Healthy, safe, amazing and that is truly what should matter.  If we have to face all that, we will, but I can't ruin today with all those worries if there is a chance they won't really come true.  Maybe there are other options I am not thinking of.  Maybe I should just keep praying and figure out how to make it through another day.  That is what I did and what I will continue to do.  Pray that God will once again, help us through this new obstacle in our life.

Hold on. God knows what he's doing....

Life is challenging, I get that.  Each day is a new battle, there will always be new obstacles, God never gives you more than you can handle.  I have quote after pinterested quote out there.  Tonight, while trying to cheer myself up, I came across, "Be Brave and Keep Going", "Hold On God Knows What He's Doing" and "Hey, Hang in there. I'm coming. -God"

How do you hang in there when you don't have the energy left to do so.  When you are checking online to see if your ex-husband, the father of your two kids has been arrested again or wondering how or who will be telling you he has died.  That's how I'm living right now. 

After two months of no child support, a deposit appeared in my checking account at the end of last week, so apparently he is or was alive and working.  We had our next court date next month, but after seeing online tonight that it is no longer there, that concerns me as well.

The last time we were in court, earlier this month, our lawyers spoke in what was suppose to be a private conference room before we went in front of the judge.  Well, yes it was the two of them, but even with the door shut, I was able to hear everything they were saying from where I sat in the hall.  Hearing my ex-husbands lawyer say, "I'm not saying he's using again, but he's not doing well."  Then continuing on, "We don't want him to lose this job now, as your client won't receive any child support then..."  Not the words you want to be hearing.  Then seeing him in such bad shape, when I actually saw him in the court room.  All the items that were suppose to be brought up, which he was in contempt for, pretty much were given one more date to turn things in by, a date which has passed for a few of them, yet I am afraid to call my lawyer, as I am so in debt from his bills already...

This past weekend was Homecoming for my children.  They had a great time dressing up in the school colors, going to the parade and attending most of the game.  Yet I didn't dare say to them, at this same time, was also my Homecoming, which I was not attending, our 20th Class Reunion followed that I also did not leave my kids to attend.  The invites, were all done via Facebook, not to mention all the pictures that were posted after it occurred.  I don't know if it was not wanting to explain where I was in my life, or that my ex-husband's counselor, or so he is saying, was in my graduating class and was there, or the fact that I don't look like I did back then.  Graduating under 110 pounds, tennis team captain, I am not today.

Wait, speaking of wait, I didn't blog since my birthday now did I, yes the week before was the last time I was in the court house and that very same challenging day, my mother explained on the phone to me that she and my dad felt my birthday money they would be giving me really should go toward Weight Watchers, as I am so unhealthy and overweight and need to get some help...she went on, I will spare you.  I finally said in disgust, "Well, my physical is coming up in a couple weeks and maybe I'll find out that the cancer cells didn't go away and I'll just die of cancer then!"

My physical, yes I survived that too, since I've blogged.  I did weight a little more than last year, but my doctor said she wasn't concerned about that, she pointed out my blood pressure 150/92, that she was concerned about and ordered a bunch of blood tests to be done.  With my (sarcastic voice interested here) LOVE of needles, well, that wasn't my day.  On a positive note, I did get the results back that all of my levels, for everything they tested, were in the normal range.  Also, the low-grade cancer cells no longer appeared from that test either.

So the week before my birthday I was actually reading a book on running, as I have so many friends that are great runners (is that a term?) and I know I could use fresh air, exercise, etc.  So I started running/walking and also, did sign up at Weight Watchers (have lost 2 pounds each of the last two weeks).  Is it cheering me up though, nope.

My doctor also asked if I have been speaking with anyone to deal with all of my stress.  Nope, haven't had time for that with the start of teaching again, the kids starting up school, flag-football, jazz dancing, leading my daughter's Girl Scouts and leading my son's Cub Scouts.  I barely have time to do the laundry let alone talk about my feelings.  Oh wait, for any of you concerned out there, I am doing laundry, the kids are not going to school in dirty clothes...well really I don't want to talk about my feelings, because when I do, like in the doctors office I break down crying.

It goes like this..."So work is going well..."  "Yes, I have a great group at preschool, I'm back to running the Birth-Three Ministry again..."  "Oh, that is perfect for you!"..."Yeah, I have my kids 24/7 now..."  "Yes, well that's a good thing."  "I guess, I mean I love them and I am glad they are safe and all but the reality of non-stop, no more breaks, no more chances to date, to ever meet anyone...plus he's not doing well, I mean it sounds like he's using drugs again and I can't, in over the 20 years I have known him, ever have known him to be sober a month, I can't imagine 12 months...he's never going to have placement again...I don't think he's going to live much longer..." 

Her response was, "So what.  He dies.  Is that the worst thing in the world?  You can't control that and worrying about when it will happen isn't good for you."  True.  I have been thinking a great deal about that lately.  I am not suppose to worry about when he is going to die...if he dies, I have to tell the kids, I'll have to be strong for them and help them through an awful thing.  Yet again, right now, having a Dad they don't see and don't know is using drugs and is an alcoholic, I guess that's not a great thing either.  I went from having harassing texts, and him making awful comment to my kids, which at time were repeated to me, having to worry about their safety, what bar they were at, what ex-cons were at the house while my kids were there...to worrying about having to tell the kids their dad is dead.  The thing is...I don't know when that day will be.  I just can't imagine living the life I discovered from the Case Study Report, that he was/is living, how much longer can a person's body handle all of that?  I don't want him to die, but I don't want my kids to ever have to go back to the situation they were in either.

This past weekend was not only the 20th class reunion, it was also five years ago from when I filed the divorce papers.  As I told the pastor I was speaking with earlier today...I can't believe it's been five years...that studies show a high number of people who are divorced are remarried within the first 3-5 years after their divorce.  Well, I'm not one of those statistics, am I.  But, I pointed out to him, technically it was just 3 years ago in May that it was finalized, so perhaps I still have 2 years left.  He gave me that look and reminded me not to believe in statics like that.  I went on though, pointing out once again, that it's been over a year since I went on a date and I can't imagine how on earth I am going to meet someone now in life...that I have been trying to have faith that God will bring the right person into my life...but then again I also realize I haven't been really in a "good place" emotionally to be able to start a relationship.  Having to deal with an ex going to jail, both of my dogs dying, my ex-losing his job (which if he hadn't found a new one, without child support, we could not afford this home anymore)...to another case study report, more court dates, a tree landing on our house...really, this year has been a bit too much for my patience.  So no, I haven't been in a very "good place" I suppose you would say.

I realized it must be bad if I can't even get myself to blog anymore.  Something about not feeling like I can't handle it all anymore, I just don't want to let on to the world.  I am suppose to be able to take anything, after the past five years I've lived through, right?  My pastor pointed out, really?  Really?  Do you think you are so much better than everyone else that you won't get exhausted by your life?  That you can keep up at your pace and not get worn down?  Okay, stubbornly I admit, I suppose I am human.  But as I pointed out, fall is my favorite time of year, I have my kids and should be able to enjoy this all right now...but as he also pointed out, I don't "have" to feel a certain way, to be happy and positive all the time.  I am human and can be depressed or sad...although somewhere in life I have been convinced there is something wrong with me if I feel this way.

So I do realized I have a roof over my head, food to eat in my kitchen, two amazing and healthy children asleep down the hall, apparently my own health and I realize I really should be grateful, I mean I am extremely grateful for all of this, but I guess I'm just tired out from hanging in there...waiting for what will happen next and not knowing how secure my tomorrow is.  With a close friend of mine going back to teaching this year, I feel like I've let my parents down, that I am not also back in the classroom, using my college degree and working full time, but honestly, I don't know where I would get the energy for that.  Maybe my parents think if I looked like I did before having my children, if I lost all sorts of weight I'd be happy, or find a new husband...but I just don't see that happening either.

I am feeling like this post is getting even more depressing, which I apologize for, as it's not the type of post that I like to share.  Hopefully my next one will have a happier ring to it.

Haven't heard a thing...

Does love, kindness, caring truly exist in a relationship like it does in movies and on TV?  Watching tonight's rerun of Grey's, seeing the love, hearing the words between Meredith and Derek...hard to believe I have watched them make it through their share of trauma in and out of the operating rooms and yet, the two are still in love.  Yes, I do realize they are characters, acting the lines they are given, but that's why I just have to ask.  What use to be my favorite movies, romantic comedies, they give hope, or an illusion at least that it does.  Yet, in real life, I have friends still, overall happily married after 14, 15, 20 years and more.

I just looked online, after posting my update on Facebook, that sure enough, I have been watching Grey's for 10 years now.  I remember watching it when my daughter was asleep in her crib, my husband out in the garage drinking with our neighbor, wishing my relationship was like the ones on TV, or at least that my husband had chosen me to spend the evening with.

I spent tonight, once the kids were finally asleep, going through the past ten years of Halloween pictures, as my daughter has decided she would like to join me in my favorite hobby, scrapbooking.  I ordered her an 8x8 album, that should be coming this week, as shes plans to make a Halloween book.  My comment on Facebook tonight you ask, "Tonight, I searched through the last 10 years of Halloween pictures, online, for *****'s first Creative Memories Scrapbook ****'s excited to be starting this week. Wow, it's amazing what can happen to a person in 10 years...memory lane is something else..."

Yes, looking back at my daughter's second Halloween, where my husband, at that time actually went trick-or-treating with us.  He was actually in the room, or pictures at least while she and I carved out her first pumpkin.  How does a person change so much over such a short period of time.  I suppose it wasn't that he changed so much, perhaps those couple years when she was first born and the first few year prior when we were first married was the change and then he went back to his past ways.  That I really don't know and can't control or change.

I believe the last time I posted, I was still in shock from reading through twelve pages of how awful things had become in my ex-husbands life.  After reading all of that and finding out that he was drinking when his mother was there supervising his visit with the children, all that could keep going through my mind is that he is going to die, soon.  He is not getting help, the report even stated he began regressing/slipping up again with cocaine this summer and now he really was back to drinking too.  I heard nothing the rest of that week and most of the rest.  It was after that, I received a letter in my mailbox from the case study worker.  Without quoting it directly, it stated that his placement was suspend until he has completed a thorough AODA evaluation and started recommended treatment.  After that placement of two, two hour visits with a professional supervisor and possible breathalyzers, alcohol/drug testing to continue during those.  Only after absolute sobriety for no less than 12 months, successful completion of comprehensive AODA treatment and following all placement related rules would allow for a motion to be filed to change any of this.

Wow, is all I could say.  In all the years I've know him, which is more than 20, I've never known him to go a week or month sober, I can't imagine a year.  I also can't imagine him having a professional supervisor around for a visit.  The only reason he started supervised visits was when I agreed it could be his mom.  It still doesn't feel like reality that I now have full placement of the kids and the thought is even more and more in my mind that he won't be alive much longer.  I let the local police know I was concerned for his own safety, not that he would come after me, but my concern is that he won't be able to handle the news of this letter, let alone handle the fact that all parties involved in this case received the 12 page case study report stating all the drugs, drinking, suicide scares, all the lies he send under oath now reported in quoted facts. 

I began searching on the legal website to see if he was in another accident, arrested, for all I know he may not even be alive right now.  I finally stopped in this past week, both to warn them of my concern about his own safety, out of frustration that all this drug activity is going on right here in town and to honestly see if they knew if he was still alive. 

I still haven't heard a thing, just when my next two court dates are in September.  I know I have not received child support since the first half of July,  I know my lawyer, before sent a letter to his lawyer regarding this, as he started his new job in June.  I also know my lawyer has been and still is out of town this week.  I know out of the seven contempt filings, none have been received and I can't imagine how my ex is going to cope with the reality of all of this.

As I told a friend on the phone yesterday, I am so grateful my children are not going over to deal with who knows what at his place anymore, but the reality that I am going to have them full-time, 24-7, I am grateful, but wow, no break, no chance to date, meet anyone...it was just a lot to process.  Not that I've had any time or energy to date this past year anyway, but now.  I realize there are babysitters, only my daughter is borderline old enough to herself soon.  It's just a lot to process. 

I still feel odd writing in the school schedule, flag football practices, dance practice, Girl Scout and Cub Scout events on the calendar without any blocked out times.  After five years of sharing holidays, every other weekend, it doesn't seem possible that they will just be here, be home.

Amazingly the kids are just enjoying the last few weeks of summer vacation, only a couple times questioning when they might see dad again, more asking when they'll see the new Lego sets, doll and video games he purchased them the last time they saw him. 

I am grateful the harassing texts have stopped, only I wish this bad feeling that I'm going to get news that he is in a hospital or worse is going to come would go away.  I don't want to have to tell my children their dad has died.  I was hoping that wouldn't happen for many, many years, but lately, from what I have been reading, I don't know anymore.

I have not blogged, as I don't know much right now.  I know the start of the new school year will be good for all of us in the house.  Both for the kids to get a break from me and see their friends again, and for me to have a few hours of adult interaction at work, as well as a few hours to myself each week.  I am blessed to be able to be going back to work at church, directing a night of mid-week ministry for children, teaching preschool, directing birth-three ministry as well as adding on some art classes this fall.  I was surprised to hear that a local coffee shop said my cards/artwork was actually selling and they could use more...I have another place interested as well, so finding time to direct some attention on my own personal art would be a good outlet as well.

I am so grateful for the prayers that were heard to keep my children safe, especially after hearing what all had been going on at their dad's place over the past year.  I just don't feel that things are 'okay' yet.

SCARY...a BAC of 0.42, heorin, cocain, oxycodone and more...

Trees.  Tonight I am exhausted from hauling, trimming and pruning trees in my backyard with my dad for three hours.  I appreciated his help, but it was suppose to be a quick stop over to trim two branches.  Life is often like that, right?  A quick task, in theory, doesn't end up quick or easy.

Since my last entry, the trees that fell across my front lawn and on part of my house are now all cleaned up and hauled away.  I am blessed I didn't have to do any of the work for that...I guess that is why I pay my house insurance payment every month.  Fortunately, the damage on the house was quite minimal, which is extremely had to believe if you saw what it looked like here after the storm ended.  We were definitely blessed.

The Sunday of that weekend, once the burden of the trees were lifted, literally, my former mother-in-law drops off the kids after their supervised with visit with their dad with the following comments.  She begins by a couple comments about the trees, then explains that she was told to let me know the children will no longer have health insurance when the month ends.  Okay, I respond, knowing this was a possibility, and begin saying I'll look into Badgercare or something, as I don't have an option to insure the children through my job.  She states quickly, well he will have insurance for them in a month, he starts his new job tomorrow, they just don't begin coverage until he's been there a month.  OH, he has a new job then, I respond in surprise.  Continuing on proudly, well yes, he had four offers, one with just too much travel, but this one should be a good fit...quite a bit less pay than before, but it will be in an office from 9-5, which should keep him out of trouble.  Was that her attempt to say he was having issues while working primarily out of his home in his former job?  Regardless, she explains that since I won't cover their insurance (which is his responsibility in the MSA), I'd better contact our GAL to figure out what will happen.  She also claims she had a good talk with the GAL the week before and thinks she'll be done supervising soon/that he won't need supervision/that things should be able to 'go back to normal' soon. 

SO...time goes on and I am reminded by my lawyer to stop by and check in with the local police to make sure they are aware that he is now driving his 4-Runner that does not have an inter-lock device that is court ordered, etc.  When I do this last week, not only are they unaware of this, the officer also gave me the correct spelling of my ex-husbands roommate who does indeed have a criminal record on-line for public viewing.  Sure enough, he's been arrested for possession of drugs/selling drugs and served 10 days jail time for that, also was since arrested for drug paraphernalia in his vehicle and multiple driving violations.  I make sure to pass this along to the GAL, but I know their report is due any day and didn't know if it was too late.

Sunday night comes, still no letter in my mailbox from the FCCS (Family Court Counseling Service) with the new placement plan, but my mother-in-law returns with the children this Sunday evening, explaining that she will not be supervising the next visit this coming week, as her son/my ex was violating one of the rules tonight.  She told me she thought he seemed a little bit "too happy" and discovered he was 'sneaking Vodka' in his drink.  She explained that the kids probably heard them fighting, as she told him she had to report this and he became quite upset that "she had turned to the dark-side too"  that she was going to narc on him and ruin him...etc.  I reminded her, that she is protecting her grandchildren is what she is doing.  When I told my lawyer of this Monday morning, he told me to immediately let the GAL know, worried she'd change her mind and not share the news.  He also told me he had the copy of the report now and made plans for me to come in today to review it and take the next step of action.  He did tell me one part, which he explained he had never heard in all the years of practicing law, something so horrific.  Today I read it too...  But first, I did receive an email back from the GAL yesterday stating he'd be taking action on the recent findings in the next 24 hours and that my his mom did indeed call him.

I made it in today to the lawyers office this morning and sat down to read the 12 page document.  First, on a positive note, as my lawyer also pointed out, there is nothing but positive comments about me being a loving, caring and wonderful mother, so at least I felt better about that.  What is scary is discovering in writing what awful shape my ex-husband was/is in.

It did state my concerns in the fall and my call into Child Protective Services in August, but the reported the allegations were unsubstantiated and the case was closed.  Then late in August he received his second OWI, which I did not find out about in later that fall.  In September, I had received texts that he was in bad shape, in the hospital and later texted there was no problem/that he was not an alcoholic, but then lter in September the local police were called on a suicidal report and found him to be OK and no action was taken.  In the beginning of October a medical record shows that he was in the ER for alcohol and opioid withdrawal.  Here is the scary part...

Following his 2nd OWI, (my ex) was given 45-day jail sentence beginning on February 13, 2012.  On February 8, per medical records, he went to the emergency department.  He was intoxicated with BAC of 0.42, and complained of chest pain with racing heart and abdominal pain.  He had reported a history of alcohol, heroin, and cocaine abuse, (the latest inhalation heroin use four weeks prior and last cocaine use a week prior), stating he had been drinking daily for the past 9 months and drinks about 750 mL vodka in addition to taking several tablets of oxycodone that he is able to find "on the street".  He reported to the medical providers that he throws up each morning and starts to get shaky until he starts drinking again.  He was treated for withdrawal symptoms and hypoklemia, and discharged on February 12.  He started his jail sentence the very next day.

Okay, if that's not scary....my kids were in his, dare I say 'care' most of those 9 months!

On an additional page, he also reported issues with his thyroid, blood pressure, potassium, anxiety and depression that require medical treatment or medication. He prescription medication list includes Lexapro, atenolol, gabapentin, levothyroxine, vitamins, potassium, Campral, Hydrodiuril, and Requip.  He indicated he was going to see a doctor ot adjust some of his medication, as he felt his anxiety was not in good control.  He reported he tends to drink alcohol to self-medicate, to treat his anxiety/panic attacks and depression, and he has decided not to do that any longer.

Really?

Another comment...(I) expressed concern about the negative things he says about her to the children.  It is apparent he is extremely angry with (me), blames her for everything that has gone wrong in his life, and his anger is likely to spill over and come out as inappropriate and disrespectful comments.  (I) reported the children whisper about things their dad has said about her.  Even the children indicated they are aware of dad trying "to get them on his side to be mean to mom" while mom reportedly tells them to be nice to both.

He feels (I) am doing everything I can to limit his time with the children, hurt him and get more child support.  He stated it seems (I) am vindictive, money-driven and absolutely hates him....it goes on..

His self-reported alcohol/drug use history hs several inconsistencies.  For example, in 2008 he he said he had never used cocaine.  In July 2012 he states he has used cocaine 2 to 3 times in the last 20 years.  He reported he "dabbled in cocaine" a couple of years back, later state his lst use of cocaine was earlier in this summer.  He has also been inconsistent when reporting his alochol use, generally minimizing his usage as compared to what his medical records indicate.

He staed he initially stated drinking due to ME and my problem, specifically my post-partum depression, and noted the drinking got worse during the divorce.  He also reported his work culture, always encourage alcohol use and there was a lot of peer pressure to drink.  In addition, he reports he has  tendency to drink when his is bored and lonely, and uses alcohol to self-medicate when experiencing symptoms of anxiety and depression.  He completed treatment in Newstart in 2008, although he stated he did not like the program and (claims) he remained sober for 15 months.  He indicated he then caved under peer pressure and started drinking again after a friend pointed out that he could just be a social drinker.

He reported he head used heroin approximately two years go and has abused pain killers as antidepressants, noting he did not "high" from them but got rid of depression.  When asked if he had ever bought during "from the street", he denied it, but then remember having bought pain medication, noting that his previous roommate was addicted to them.  He indicated his worst period of drinking was round the time of his hospitalization in February 2012.  However, the medical records show him reporting abusive alcohol use and withdraw symptoms to the medical providers in January, February, April and May of 2011.  On October 13, 2011 he had a follow-up visit after an ER visit for alochol and opiod withdrawal, where he reported he was drinking 750 mL of liquor per day and has been using suboxone bought from the streets to help with withdrawal symptoms.  He reported daily vomiting and nausea.

Eleven days later, on October 24, 2011, he again saw a doctor, reporting drinking every day and abusing Oxycontin ant 40 mg per day and suboxone bought off the streets.  He recognized he needed inpatient treatment and told the provider he will pursue it after his vacation.

As described on an earlier page in the report, when he was hospitalized in Feburary 2012, his BAC was 0.42.  He indicated his main issue for the hospitalization was hypokalemia, i.e., low potassium levels.  During the course of the hospital stay, impatient treatment was stronlgy recommended for him and he was intreated in going to ####.  However, it did not have an opening at the time and he expected to start his jail sentence for his 2nd OWI.  He indicated the reason for his extensive drinking in the fall and winter of 2011/2012 was the impending jail sentence that made him extremely anxious.  He indicated he was hopeful he could go to treatment instead of jail but the judge wouldn't allow it.  He also stated during one of his interviews that no specific recommendations were made for treatment while he was at the hospital.

During his first interview in May 2012, he reported that he ws not drinking anymore and had stopped "even before he went to jail" and noted that drinking almost cost him his job.  Based on the available information drinking could have cost him his life.  He reported he had contacted a therapist (not going to state his name, but it is actually a former classmate of ours from grade school).  He had scheduled an appointment with him in a couple of weeks.  He expected to feel comfortable with him as they grew up across the street from each other.  He indicated he was attending AA meetings and on a weekly basis.

In July, 2012, he reported he had lost his job effective July 3 and was hopeful to start a new one very soon.  He indicated he had seen his counselor three times and found him very helpful and was still attending AA meetings.  However, he also reported he had had relapses starting mid-June after he found out he was losing his job and had used cocaine earlier in the summer and later stated he was "kind of been slipping with the AA meetings".

OK...there is a bit more, but you get the jest of it.  One more sad summary statement...
He describes (me) as a money-hungry, vindictive person, who wants him out of the children's lives completely.  He denies he did anything wrong and indicates his "huge mistake" was getting the 2nd OWI.  He does not believe (I) had any reason to be concerned about the children or their safety, stating that she is just going from neighbor to neighbor spying and digging up dirt on him.  He does not seem to in any way associate his alcohol and drug dependency with my concerns, the current custody and placement dispute or other problems in his life, instead places the blame on (me).  He, for example, stted he life his job based on a mutual agreement, indicating that losing his job had less to do with his alcohol/drug problem then with me taking him to court and stressing him out.  His tendency to blame other and to be unaware or deny his role in contributing to and maintaining conflict was also noted by Dr. ### in his 2008 psychological evaluation report. 

ALRIGHT...after all of this, what did they suggest as the children's new placement schedule you ask?  Ready for this...

Every Wednesday night for three hours...every other weekend for 6 hours on Saturday and 6 hours on Sunday...not supervised, but with HIM required to arrange for a paid pop-in supervisor who would do random visits with no more than 1/2 hour notice to his home at least three times a month. 

WHAT????

Also, he should be allowed to have overnight placement on his placement weekend from Saturday until Sunday if his mother is able to sty with him.

Excuse me? 

Okay, so the lawyer and I drafted up a letter to the judge disagreeing with ANY unsupervised visits and no overnights.

Then...later this afternoon the response of him drinking vodka during his last placement arrived via email...

It disheartens me to write this letter, but I am writing to inform you that I am indefinitely suspending ####  placement with (my children) per my interim authority. It is my hope this will not be a lengthy situation, but I will need to convene with (the Case Study worker) to discuss this matter further. SHE is presently out of the office and will not return until next week.

At the forefront of this decision is information provided to me indicating HE was drinking alcohol during last Sunday’s visit with the children. This is totally unacceptable and contrary to the terms of the stipulated temporary order. I am further stating that HIS MOM will no longer be an acceptable supervisor for periods of placement with HIM. I would like to consider the utilization of a paid, neutral supervisor for subsequent visits with the children and will be exploring those options with (THE CASE STUDY WORKER) when she returns.

WHEW....a sigh of relief and then my dad calls about coming over to trim/saw/cut the trees...

A bit both physically and emotionally exhausted tonight, but feeling a bit more relieved than earlier in the day.  Not sure what will happen next, but sadly it doesn't sound like my ex is doing well or getting the help he needs.

I am blessed that the GAL came though and is keeping them safe for now, but once again I just don't understand the decisions the court/report makes claiming it's in the best interest of the children.

I'll keep breathing in and out and look forward to a day out of town with the kids tomorrow.

Thanks for reading, support and prayers.
Me

Seriously? A tree fell on my house tonight.

How long do you lay in bed wide awake unable to sleep?  First it was trying to find that comfortable position, then it was my racing mind, interrupted by my son asking if the storms were finally done and why can't it be tomorrow yet.  Yes, I'd like it to be tomorrow too, only after a good night's sleep that I am obviously not receiving. 

I had a positive mindset on tonight.  Dropped off my kids for their supervised visit with their dad, then drove into the city to get my oil changed on my minivan.  If it took the normal 45 minutes, I'd still have time to get dinner, read and journal about how well I'm doing 14 years after the day I got married.  I was optimistic, upbeat and didn't believe we'd actually get rain tonight let alone storms.  It hasn't rained in our part of the state for I believe over 20 days now.  The last two times it appeared in the forecast it completely missed us.  So I get to the service center and the man check my miles, etc asks if I noticed my flat tire.  No, obviously I hadn't or I would have brought it up, but I say kindly, no I didn't, is it possible for you to take care of that too?  Then he shows me that the treads are so low in the front, but worse here in the back.  To quote him, "You can't get much smoother than this unless your touching a baby's bottom."  Odd, but okay time to look at my book and enjoy the free coffee in the waiting area.  The man that then came over to have me sign the release for the oil change work to be done explain too that the tires were really getting low on treads and that they won't make it until fall.

I am starting to read and slightly distracted by the commentary from the television show with the modern version of "The Family Feud" on nearby.  The questions were just bizarre and I hadn't seen the show in years.  "If you husband tells you he wants a divorce on Sunday, what do you do on Monday?"  Really, that is a questions for the contestants?  So I get out my cell phone as I'm too distracted at this point to read and retain anything that is on the page in front of me.  I check email and then check in on Facebook to see a family's trampoline just blew away.  Then more comments about the rain, what a blessing, but the storms unwanted along with it. I finally called my parents that now live in the same town I do and asked them if the rain had let up, as my minivan was going to be done soon.  They were, but the winds were up to 70 miles per hour, blowing the roof off of the neighbors play structure and knocking over the trampoline from the house behind them.  They had blown over flower pots, plants, lawn furniture and were concerned my son's basketball hoop and knocked down...asking me to call them when I did get home and let them know. 

Soon enough, the man came over explaining the oil change was done but they couldnt' find a hole in the tire.  He said they filled it and also noticed my front headlight was out.  Really?  I guess I haven't been driving at night much lately , but okay.  He went back to find out more about the tire and to see if they replaced the headlight.  It was taking awhile and the storms were now upon us, with a giant wall of windows to my right and a lady seated nearby quite concerned that a tornado was about to hit us.  I called my friend in the next closest town to see if the storms had let up there yet, as I knew I had to drive right into them if I left now.  She said it was pretty calm there, just rain.  Then she asked how I was doing today, letting me know she was thinking of me as her kids and her cousins kids were at Olbrich Gardens were I was married 14 years ago today.  She was there, my personal attendant, or rather my personal life savor.  Yes, I was hanging in there, it really hadn't been too bad of a day, expect coming in tonight to discover a flat tire and now that I need new tires sooner than later.  We talked about a few other things and I finally got off the phone, noticing the time and realizing if I didn't leave pretty soon, I wouldn't be home for my kids to be dropped off.

The service man then explained that they couldn't find any holes in the tire, but it's possible it's a slow leak from between were the seams are?  Regardless, when I asked how much longer he thought I had on these tires, he pointed out that most people get new tires at the rating one better than I was at, that I definitely won't make it until fall and should probably get them done in the next month.  Great, so the money is just going to rain down from the sky for those?  Actually, I did come across, a couple days ago, the realization that the home equity loan I took out at that end of last year to pay off credit card debt, now has some money building up in the account.  Not a lot yet, but hopefully enough to pay for these tires.  So I try to remain optimistic and carefully as possible drive home on the almost flooded streets with my almost no tread tires.

As I drive into town finally, I stop in my local Walgreens to pick up milk for my son, as he lives on that stuff and I know we are out.  As I pass the photo corner, my photo lady starts looking for my pictures as I stop her saying, "Nope, just milk today, but dont' worry I'm sure I'll be in sometime this next week, as I am actually waiting until I have enough for the latest sale coupon."  Then I point out, as we usually chat, that I spent my entire 3 hours to myself at the car service reading storm update around here...I pointed out that at least two trampolines were taken by the winds...  She thanks me for thinking of it and gets on the phone as I pass by with my milk and head to the main checkout, saying that she'd better call home and check to make sure theirs hasn't blown away!

I drive into my neighborhood, proud that I have 3 minutes to spare before 8:00PM and notice a few branches and leaves in the road.  Then, as I turn the corner on my street I see our tree split down the middle, laying across the front yard into the sidewalk.  I slow down to a stop and take a picture with my cell phone, saying to myself, seriously?  Then, as I edge further and am about to round the corner into my driveway I think I lost my breath.  The huge maple tree, the one my kids climb up in and watch for friends, it had completely split too, this one with it's branches on the roof of my house!  SERIOUSLY I repeated once I caught my breath.  I park the minivan, got out and stared in awe close up as I looked to see, not really wanting to see, if the kids bedroom windows were okay.  Yes, they were...but I couldn't even see the roof.  In disbelief, I think probably talking to myself out loud, are you serious?  This can't be happening....I walked inside, scared and looked in both of my kids bedrooms, to see them both okay...then out the windows, as it was almost dark at this point, but I could see the gutter bowed a bit, that was it from that view.  I went back outside and quickly started to take pictures with my cell phone camera before it was completely dark.  I called my good friend I was just talking to and as she asked if everything was okay, "Well, no, a tree fell on my house."  I explained further and also explained my former mother-in-law would be dropping off the kids any movement and really should get off the phone.  She said she'd pray for me, remaining incredibly calm and then a car pulled up.  It was the neighbors a few doors down, asking if I was okay, if anyone was hurt.  I explained I had just got home and both the puppy and kitty were fine inside.  They said they saw the lightening strike up here, explaining how strong and then loud it was.  The guessed it hit the first tree I had noticed, from the way the tree split, it probably had.  As soon as they knew I was okay, they drove slowly off and before I knew it my kids were returning.  I could hear them from inside as they slowly pulled up.  I started saying before they even got out of her car, that their rooms were okay, that the house is okay.  The gutter looks a little bent, but we were lucky it feel on an angle like it did.  We were also extremely lucky the other tree landed sideways in the yard not directly on the house.  I spoke very briefly with their Grandma and she soon left as I took the kids inside to see that their things were alright.  She did say my son had a very difficult time with the storms, that he was quite upset.

Later, as the kids were talking about the storms at their dad's place, my son was saying his dad was teasing and scaring him.  He said he ran downstairs to hide from the storms but they laughed at him.  When we were outside and he was asking me who is going to cut the trees down?  He asked if he could be gone because chain saws scare him.  That once daddy turned on one of his really loud ones and was teasing him with it, but that's not okay, because I could have really been hurt!  I agreed it wasn't okay and told him he would not be hurt by any that fix our trees.  We were outside in the light rain looking at all sides of the trees, when my parents arrived.  I did call them as soon as the kids were in the house and they were going to be on their way they had said.  My dad thought the gutter and possibly the trusses? inside the roof might need to be fixed, but didn't think it would fall into the house any further tonight.  The kids were so scared to sleep in their rooms, that at first they wanted to go over to grandma and grandpa's to sleep, but after remembering my son is being picked up at 7:30 for a baseball clinic, they decided they could stay here and my son would sleep in my bed.  My daughter, convinced she'd be kicked out of the bed by her brother, dragged her mattress, blanket, pillow into my room to join in the sleepover.  Only the rain and storms didn't stop and as my daughter said, after coming out to the family room unable to sleep, "Mom, I usually love the thunder and lightening, but now I dont' like the lightening so much anymore.  I don't want it to hurt anymore trees."  She stayed out with me through the evening news, and among other things she was tiredly rambling about, she did say something about her dad and her grandma talking about daddy's new job for the company that worked for his old company.  That comment, I held onto with hope as I lay in bed tonight unable to sleep.  Maybe there is hope that he did get another job.  That my child support won't end and I won't have to figure out how on earth we are going to be able to afford this house, that now had a tree laying on the front of it.  I don't even know where to call first tomorrow, but I do know I at least left a message after giving up being on hold with my insurance company.  I know I'll take more pictures for them in the daylight tomorrow, and that things will look better as they always do in the morning.

Oddly, for the first time in a couple months, my ex-finance, that I had dated two summers ago, texted tonight, about the time my daughter was finally drifting off to sleep.  I texted back to his "hey there", "Did you hear too?  That on top of needing to buy new tires, that a tree landing on my house tonight?"  He texted back some questions and later said he was sorry to hear about all of my bad luck.  Funny thing is, as I was laying in bed over thinking his comment about the bad luck, I wasn't viewing it that way.  It was actually probably a good thing the kids and I weren't in the house to hear the trees break, that we are all safe and that the trees didn't do more damage than they did.  It is good that I somehow have been paying my insurance and that I've been through so many other challenges over the past few years that I practically laughed at this.  Really?  This I can handle.  A tree on my house is nothing after hearing, 5 years ago on my 9th anniversary dinner, that my husband didn't love me, never believed he had loved me and wanted a divorce.  Nope, not at bad as watching my daughter in tears talking to him on the phone while he was in the hospital about to go to jail, the night before her birthday.  Not even hearing the news that he lost his job, which might mean once again my world would change drastically in many way.  Tonight, I honestly didn't shed a tear, not yet at least.  If I can make it through all that I have in the past five years, hearing from local police that my ex and his roommates are selling/doing drugs last summer, hearing my ex was going to jail, that he lost his job, hearing from myself, why on earth did I ever love/marry/think I was going to live happily ever after with him.  Well, look at me now.  A tree on my house and I'm still standing strong.  Okay, not standing, slightly reclined typing at 2:20 AM on my laptop, but you know, not curled up in a ball crying like five years ago.  Nope, that old me would hardly recognize the me tonight.  That old me would be proud I think.

Walking that fine line....Sunday Night

A kind soul on Facebook asked me what I was doing up at this hour.  I responded, "Walking that fine line of dreading the week ahead and staying optimistic and having faith...oh yah and watching reruns of Grey's ;) "

It's funny how we think if we just stay up, don't go to sleep, we won't have to deal with life...not for a few more minutes or hours at least.  So what is so awful about the upcoming week?  On one level, nothing.  I am able to be home most of the week with my children; taking my daughter to gymnastics and a drama class and my son to coach pitch baseball.  I don't have to set my alarm tomorrow, or Tuesday.  I am, for the most part, ready for the next Vacation Bible School I am directing and am working on class descriptions, flyer's and registration information on the art classes I was planning for this fall.

Then there is what sometimes feels like a parallel universe I am living...the universe where this week I have to meet with the Guardian at Litem and Case Study Worker Wednesday morning for the final time before they decide my children's placement schedule.  There is Tuesday, when, unknown to my ex husband, the seven motions of contempt will be filed which will escalate his anger towards me even more.  Not to mention, according to a text from my ex husband last week, this week will be my last child support check, not my law, but due to the face he lost his job who knows how many months ago and apparently his three or four months of severance pay will be ending.

The GAL sent out a memo two weeks ago stating two week nights for three hours and a weekend visit for six hours of supervised visits that were suppose to take place.  Of those, three occurred, not due to my not being willing, as I was for each one.  After Thursday night, my daughter tells me that Dad doesn't have his job anymore and told me he might lose the house.  She continued saying that he told her he paid half of the house payment but that was all and then Nana jumped in and said it will be okay, hopefully you'll get that job you interviewed for this week.  She asks me, "Will he lose the house for not paying once Mom?"  I explain to her that no, it takes more than that and yes hopefully he will get the job, but really, he shouldn't have told you/worried you about all that.  It's not something kids should have to worry about. 

Seriously?  How many times I have been late with a house payment, concerned about how we will get all our bills paid this month?  If we'll be able to keep this house?  Have I ONCE told my ten year old daughter about my worries, no of course not!  As a parent, it's my job to keep them safe from worries like that.  Yes, if we did have to move, they would know, I would be honest, but not until I had a plan to explain to her what would happen next.

What now?  I have been looking online for other jobs, as I will not be able to keep paying my bills without receiving child support.  On the other hand, he is legally required to pay child support and is apparently activity searching for a new job, so if he does get one soon...

I made the mistake, under the pressure of a conversation with my parents on the 4th of July, sharing the news that my ex husband lost his job.  If one thinks I worry or catastrophize at all, I am nothing compared to them.  Right away comments about getting a new job, a second job, wondering if I'd be able to find an apartment or duplex with a dog now...NOT what I needed.  I had to talk them down, explain that I am well aware of all of those fears.  I have a choice, I can either be scared out of my mind, or have faith, that somehow this will come together, that God is there for me, hearing my prayers and will help me through this as he has so many other things in the past five years.

I have been living on faith.  Although, the devil, or maybe just life sure does challenge me to stand on that line some days.  I know I am extremely blessed, that I have the most amazing children, pets, a home that has been keeping us cool on all these record breaking hot days...food to eat and clothes to wear.  This is what matters.  God has blessed all three of us with good health, so much love and his grace, his love...  When I was going through the divorce, I didnt' know where we were going to live, I was a full time stay-at-home mom with a 6 and 2 year old.  I didn't know where I was going to work and how I was going to make ends meet.  Here I am, just a couple months shy of five years later, with an almost full time job I love, a home, pets, and amazingly healthy both emotionally and physically despite all that has occurred over those years.

I have put hours of thought into what to do financially, discussions with a couple close friends and prayers to God.  If I take on an additional job, the cost of childcare will hardly make it worth the paycheck I would receive.  Then, I began looking into other areas of employment, but it's hard to know where to turn when what you are doing is what you enjoy doing.  I am at a loss.  But I have not given up.  I am praying, watching, listening for a sign, for hope...I am counting my blessings and keeping my faith.

In the back of my mind, while I type this, I also hear the voice of my parents, explaining they dont' have the money to keep paying these lawyer bills each month, that I am already in so much debt to them and they can't continue this.  They haven't been supporting me financially in any other way and made it clear that if I stop receiving child support, they dont' have money to help me.  Thus their discussing of me looking for a "full time job"...as right now, I am at 35/36 hours which I my mother stated, really didn't full time.  Many people work 50-60 hours to be able to keep/have a job.  Yes, that's true, but if I did that, who would raise my children????   Also, as I pointed out, I dont' have the degree, the gifts that my sister does, to be able to work as an aerospace engineer.  I have a teaching degree.  I may not work the hours she does, or make the money she does, but I do have a job, practically full time, I am a Cub Scout Leader, Girl Scout Leader, I was able to help co-lead soccer this past year and I am able to be there each day when my children get off the school bus, to tuck them into bed each night and say prayers with them.  I am their mom and my goal in life right now is to be the best mother I can be.  Yes, part of that is providing/finding enough money to pay our bills, but another is to be there for them emotionally, physically, and in any other way I can.

Yes, I realize not going to sleep isn't going to make any of these challenges go away, but once again I face a week of so many unknowns that I don't know how to control.  Okay, I realize, many are out of my control, so I will do what I have been doing, praying to God to help us through this, thank him for all he's done for me, for the three of us. 

I am excited to spend this week (most of it) with my amazing children, if only there weren't all those "grown up things" that my kids don't realize are also going on.  If I continue to do my best, they won't, unless they absolutely have to.

Faith and The Wave

Sunday nights, they still get me.  Even when the children have no school, as we begin summer vacation tomorrow.  Maybe it's the teacher in me, knowing a new week will begin tomorrow, regardless of how I'm spending it.  No matter how exhausted I am, the adrenalin kicks in on a Sunday night, after the kids are in bed, the news is done.  Tonight I found myself productive at least, researching websites to see what programs on Art Ministries for children exists out there in the world.  I also stepped back into my past and reread the Wisconsin's Art Education Standards and Curriculum.  Yes, that's me, researching all my bases for setting up my program, before designing my brochure.  On top of that, catching up on the original season of Grey's Antonym that plays at 11:30 on Sunday nights.  The ending Meredith Grey quote tonight just seamed a little too fitting for me today...

“At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. It's like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And it's not so important happy ever after, just that its happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you , and once in a while people may even take your breath away.”

Yes, faith is a funny thing.   A year ago I was applying to teaching jobs, this year I have a stronger sense of faith that there is something else out there I am meant to be doing.  No doubt working with children and teaching in some capacity, but I am blessed with a job that has flexible hours, that I can minister to children of all ages through teaching at a Christian Preschool two days a week, connect with parents of birth through preschool families through play groups as well as spend one night a week during the school year working with K-5 children and their families.  On top of this, I can be there to co-lead Girl Scouts, Cub Scouts and go on an occasional field trip with my children.  I can direct summer camps, yet still run my children to basketball and cheer leading, or watch coach pitch or gymnastics.  I am blessed in so many ways. Maybe I can't relate with the last line in the quote above, as I don't have the person in my life to take my breathe away right now, but if I live on faith, not by sight, I do believe when the time is right he will appear.  After attending the first grown-up movie since January, last night, The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel Ever, I was reminded not only that we all are fighting battles in our own lives, but it doesn't matter your age, there is always hope and a reason to be optimistic about tomorrow.  As was quoted many times throughout the movie, so much so that a women behind me told her friend she has to start using that one as the movie concluded, "Everything will be alright in the end...if it's not alright, it's not the end!"  I told something similar to my lawyer a couple weeks ago when I last met with him.  We were leaving his office and I joked to him about writing a book about all this someday...to which he replied, "If you do, make sure you let me write the forward!"  I told him he'd better watch what he says, as I may just take him up on that...that I have been journaling throughout this process and friends have suggested I create a book...only I can't do it yet, as I have chapters ahead of me that are not yet written.  I sat in my Pastor's office about a month ago, questioning out loud if I was doing the right thing, staying here even though I know I could be applying to go back into the teaching world, which would help me make ends meet better...but as I continued, I explained that I still feel that it's not the right time, that if I go back now, I'd be giving up on starting up art classes, on creating more of my own art, or the idea of writing a book.  A year ago, when I said those goals or dreams of mine out loud, I felt silly, childish, like a dreamer that needed to wake up to reality.  I am a single mom, with bills to pay, I shouldn't be thinking of my own dreams in that way right now.  But this year, it felt different.  The path life has taken me on, I feel like there is more I should be doing, but just haven't put my finger on exactly what it is.  I told my pastor, as he knows, I have been reading and researching about the concept of the Holy Spirit this past year and am trying to pray to God, trust in his plan for me from here, but I just can't quite see it yet.  His response was a story of when a man was waiting for an answer from God and claiming he couldn't see it, when God had it all right there in front of him, he just needed to take the first step and begin...okay, I admit it's 1:00 in the morning here and I know I left something out of that, but the point was, he said I need to take the first step, to try something and see how it goes.  So that is what I am doing. That day, in the lawyers office, I also began to hopefully see some light in justice system.  I was coming in to prepare for another long and undesired De Novo hearing to determine if I still would have full placement of my children for now.  I found out that the lawyer had spoken to the GAL and that as of the night before, neither of them thought there was a need for the trail as he already agreed that thing should stay as the Court Commissioner stated for now, the only part that I wasn't prepared to hear is that I had to pick one of my ex's three choices for the supervisor to be present for placements.  I did, with a list that my lawyer and I came up with of expectations for the visits and a few days later I heard there would be no trail.  Still, I heard nothing about him having a visit until the last day of school.  Ironically, I didn't have anything planned that night, as we had plans the next night, on Friday to celebrate...and before I knew it, I was taking me kids for their first three hour supervised visit.  The kids were, of course, excited to see their dad, as they hadn't since January.  Myself, I was happy that they were able to see that he was okay, yet had nervous feelings as to what comes next.  Things went well for the visit and the GAL had seemed extremely grateful for both the short notice and my flexibility with everything.  He said he really wanted them to have had a visit before they meet with him this coming week.  Yes, as a part of this upcoming week of summer, means I have to take my children to the court house to have them each interviewed one on one with the GAL and Case Study worker.  I am not worried what will happen, just wish they didn't have to do this.  At least it will be done with.  Then, I meet again with them both, without my children in July before a final placement document is drawn up.  Again, I don't have much faith in the legal system after how the past almost five years now have went, but I am taking it day by day.  As it's all I can do. One more quote from the movie last night, "India hits you like a wave. If you resist, you will be knocked down. But it you dive into it, you will be all right." Yes, I guess the pass year or few years have definitely hit me like a wave, but I have learned to float along in it and I am hoping the shore is in the not too distance future.

Joy.

Over the past few years I have been on quest for finding joy.  Prior to that, it was for happiness.  I think I read almost every book on the market on how to be happy for awhile there.  Then, I discovered that happiness if fleeting...it comes from something.  Joy, on the other hand is something that comes from within.  You don't need to have, see or do anything to obtain joy.  You can't buy it, it is free for those who desire it.  It is a gift from God. 

As our Pastor was preaching on the topic of joy today, he brought to question what we really know about joy.  He brought up the point that some people don't feel they should be filled with joy with all the hurt, suffering, pain, destruction, war, etc. going on in the world.  I don't remember the exact words, but I do remember him explaining how God has given us joy to help us through the hard times.  That with joy, we know that God is there through the struggles and will bring us through them to feel an even deeper understanding of this joy. 

Ten years ago, my first Mother's Day, my daughter turned three months old and we celebrated her baptism.  A day filled with so much joy for so many reasons.  But today, seeing my daughter sing in front of church, my son hugging me from the seat beside me, was entirely deeper, stronger, intense form of joy I experienced.  I believe it is true that the struggles, the hardships, the challenges in our lives, we grow stronger living through them and appreciate the good days even more.

Two days ago, our beagle passed away.  As I held her furry, soft body one last time in the vet hospital, I said a prayer of thanks so God for bring her to me, for the joy she has brought to my life over the past 12 1/2 years.  She was my first dog, brought home at 8 weeks old from the retired teacher's farm in a town nearby.  She was there for the birth of my daughter, my son, through the divorce, she held strong, loyal and full of love.  Then, we brought home, adopted our second dog, who passed away only two months ago.  They became friends, brother and sister, big dog and little dog.  I realized, after my children left the exam room with my parents and I was left alone with her one last time, my children haven't know life without her.  She was truly a gift of joy in my life.  As my son said, there at the vet, "At least she can see Jake again and play with him in heaven now."

Life is not easy, know one ever said it would be.  Thursday morning, I had to spend the morning going through a court ordered co-parenting class required by the state (since it had been more than three years since I had sat through it), as we are back in the Case Study Program.  This coming Friday I have to meet our new GAL (Guardian at Litem) and explain once again, the story of my current life/situation of my ex husband and kids.  The Court Commissioner ruled that I have full placement and that my ex husband has a three hour supervised visit once a week, although we have yet to find anyone willing to be the supervisor so that has yet to begin.  We are also to go under investigation of a GAL to determine if more time is to be allowed.  As expected, the next day papers were filed to go back to court under the judge, a "de Nuvo" hearing as my ex disagreed with the ruling.  Now, on June 5th, we go through this all again, proving once again that it is not a safe environment for my children to enter.  I am not looking forward to this Friday, or the 5th of June.

Wednesday afternoon, I pushed through my backyard's extra high grass, with the engine killing twice, as the grass had just grown too tall for the mower to handle.  As I was facing the last section of the yard, I discovered that a wheel was broke, yet pushed on through, knowing it would be the only time I had this week to get this done.  Some days you just have to push on through, with a three wheeled mower, or an evening when you have to put down your dog and say that last I love you.

Pushing through these times, surviving those moments of sadness, anger, frustration, I am able to do it with the help of God.  Each night when I share a few moments one on one with each of my children, we thank God for the day, for our family, friends, pets, we ask for help if we have friends that are in need and thank him for the great events that day or week, we ask him to help us stay healthy and safe and to have a great day tomorrow.  Some day it's longer than others, each day though, I am reminded, that despite all the challenges that have seemed to come my way, I am still incredibly blessed.

This morning, when I walked into our church, I was greeted by a hug, then another, and another.  By the time my parents (visiting our church to see my daughter sing for Mother's Day), children and I walked out, I think I was so filled with joy I was about to burst.  I was reminded with hugs, kind words, smiles and chats with children, that I am beyond blessed.  I have an incredible family, support system not only within the walls of the church, but through kind messages and thoughts on Facebook, emails, and texts. 

In the past ten years, since my first Mother's Day, I have learned more about life than I could possibly type about in a blog entry, but most importantly I have learned how to have faith in God, to know that he is always there as my rock, to bring me through the hard times and to give me hugs through others on this earth along the way.

A month

I woke up this morning to the sound of my daughter running to the bathroom, throwing up.  It was 5:30 AM, an hour before my alarm, not that it mattered anymore.  Welcome to Monday morning, another day, way you are reminded that you are not always in control of how it turns out.  Before long my son was up, not feeling good either.  His forehead was on fire and I know he was really tired, not hungry last night at dinner time.  So after realizing I really need a new thermometer, it read at 96.something, I called into both of their schools, letting them know they would not be coming in.  Once everyone was set for awhile and we had TV on entertaining the kids for the moment, I found myself falling asleep on my chair, until my daughter woke me to say my cell phone was going off.  I had missed the call, but soon went to another room to call my lawyer back.

When I sat down deciding whether or not to type tonight, I was curled up with my puppy, realizing it was exactly a month ago we rescued/adopted her, March 31.  Amazing what can happen in a month.  When I logged into my blog, I realized it had been over a month since I last posted.  Amazing what all has happened since that time.

After a week or two of morning the loss of my Jakie dog and watching my lathargic and possibly depressed almost 13 year old beagle, I found myself searching Humane Society and similar sights.  One, entitled Petfinder, had a program with questions about your home and family and I was curious what breed they would recommend for us.  Sure enough, after a few nights of searching, I came across the puppy we have now.  It was quite a surprise, to see the exact mix, golden retriever/husky mix, that our Jake was.  Here a litter of puppies, just under three months old were surrendered and were in need of homes.  I felt it was a sign, as the one reminded me of Jake.  We went through the application process and sure enough the first Saturday of Spring Break, we welcomed Ginger to our family.  The kids were in heaven, as I had realized they really had never been around a puppy.  Our beagle was a puppy a few years before they were born and Jake was a rescue at the start of my divorce almost 5 years ago and was already 6 at that time.  He had been there for me through so many rough times and there is no way he would be replaced...but then I got to thinking, as my parents questioned the puppy, yes, I realized this new dog would be a part of our family for the next 10 plus years...and realized that is exactly what I wanted.  It would be there through all the school years of my son and most of my daughters.  Even more importantly, I came to realize I was able to confidently go forward making decisions for our family, the three of us for one of the first times in my life.  For so long I didn't want to make any decisions as I was planning to meet and marry someone soon and then my life, family, future would begin.  Over the past few months I have grown strong and more confident that the kids and I, we are family.  Taking in a comment during one of my rough mornings as I went to work and my ex husband was in jail or about to enter it, I mentioned to a co-worker please remind me how good life is in five years, after I survived this.  She made a comment I hadn't expected, saying that I shouldn't view this time as that awful and be looking forward to being happy one day...that I have so many good things going on right now...again I don't remember the exact words but it apparently was a concept I needed to be reminded of.

I have been trying to look at things positively, the children are doing extremely well at school, socially with friends, involved in activities and are just all already happy, healthy, caring children.  I am so proud of them and all they are becoming.  We have a home, a kitten and now a puppy as well as our Sadie who is still hanging in there with us.  It many not have been the family I had imagined having growing up, but we are making it work and filled with so much love.

Putting all that aside, yes, there still is that underlieing stress of my ex-husband.  He got out of jail, sent a few texts about seeing the children and yet I stayed strong and listened to the advice of my lawyer to not respond.  We had a court date set at the beginning of April...two weeks, I just had to hang in there two weeks...which then got rescheduled and then again.  Along with the rescheduling was a serving of papers to find me in contempt of court for not allowing my ex to have placement as written in the MSA...along with that were a list of other items, which were almost all lies that I had emails or texts to support in court.  Not to say I wasn't stresssed, concerned, upset when each of these events happened, but I knew it was out of my control. 

For awhile I didn't want to blog because things were going amazinly well.  My son, especially, was doing so well with consistancy of staying here all the time.  We could plan things, it felt amazing to be living a somewhat normal life.  When I hit two weeks of not receiving any texts or emails from him, I realized it was the first time, ever, since we had kids that I felt this feeling of peace.  As I typed now it's been a month and still, I don't want to "jenx" things as people say, but things at home have really been good.  Last week, though, was a rough one.  Monday I spent a good hour preping with my lawyer for court and on Wednesday we appeared.  I told many friends I would blog that night to update on how it went.

Honestly, as I emailed or called a couple friends and told them, I had no idea how it went.  My lawyer had warned me that Monday that the Court Commissioner we'd be see was a 'lose cannon'...that you never know what she's going to do or how she's going to rule.  I certainly didn't feel confident knowing that or not having a word from my ex for the past month.  For awhile I was checking on CCAP to see if he had been arrested again or if something had happened to him.  Then, one of my closest friends had pointed out, so that I would be prepared on Wednesday if it was the case, that maybe he really did go to a treatment center and get help...to be prepared to see him all cleaned up and looking sharp for court.  I was becoming very nervous the day before, explaining to co-workers that even though it may seem obvious, black-and-white to them, that I have been through this court system before and I don't have faith in it.  Yet, I had and have faith in God.  I continued to pray each night and went in to work to teach one class of music, singing songs of praise to God with one group of Preschoolers before I headed to the court house Wednesday morning.  I knew it was all in God's hands...as it always is...

It was rainy, dreary and I dreaded the climb once again up those courthouse stairs not having a clue what this battle would entail.  I got there early, with a Starbuck Chai Tea in my hand and sat down in the hallway outside our room.  I tried to read the book I had brought with, but had troubles focusing, especially when my ex-husband and his lawyer walked by.  They went into a conference room to prep for the trail, to which I could hear comments at times but tried to block them out so that I would stay strong.  A few mintues before our time to enter the court room, my lawyer arrived and from there it was a whirlwind.  We began in one room and after a good half hour, the court commissioner said she had until 2 (almost two more hours) so we went to another room to continue.  At that time, both of the laywers commented to each other on the way that it was such a waste of time, as if I didn't get the ruling I wanted, we would file papers to take the hearing to the judge and vice versa.  So why did we have to continue, part of me wondered, but we did. I had to take the stand first and was quite proud of how calm and in control of my emotions I was able to remain this time.  What I won't forget, is when the Court Commissioner looked me in the eye, asking if my ex husband drank while we were still married, to which I responded yes.  Then, she asked if I felt he had a drinking problem back then, again a yes.  Did I tell anyone about this during my divorce, she continued by asking...well yes, I told the G.A.L., the Case Study Worker, my lawyer, I stated it under oath and have copies at home of all of those documents if she needed them.  She tell looked me square in the eye and asked, "Then why on earth did you agree to this placement arrangement back in 2009 to let me have the kids 30% off the time?"  To which I honestly said, "Because I was told I had to.  After hours of mediation my lawyer said take it, it's the best you are going to get!"  To which my new/current lawyer chimmed in from his seat, "For the record, I was not her lawyer at that time."

When my ex husband took the stand he lied, lied, got caught in lie after lie and just continued on and on until a point he was crying.  He had not received any treatment yet but planned to meet with a counselor one on one for a month.  He said he never had other men living at his home, yet said there are currently two there...he said he was aware that police are watching his house, but claimed it was because I was calling the police daily as I didn't work, had all this time and nothing better to do...it was exhausting as the almost two and a half hours was coming to a close and the Court Commissioners response to us was, "I am not going to tell you my decision today.  I am going to mail it to you."  Wow.  Didn't expect that to happen.  Then, my ex still crying, questioned but when do I get to see my children?  To which the Court Commissioner brought up us finding a third party for supervised visits, which made my ex's eyes pop out, as he objected all confused, what?  Why on earth would I need to be supervised...that was my only sign of hope from the Court Commissioner that day.  She had made a closing comment regarding the fact that I was okay with allowing my children to go with him in 2009 and questioned if behavior was so bad back then, what has changed now.  Not a point where I was allowed to speak, but if I could have I sure would have.  I really didn't know what she was going to say in her letter.  I just knew I was exhausted, mentally, emtionally, I wanted to get to my minivan, to start driving home...to which I realized I had friends, family, all waiting to her what happened.  What do I say?  Well, I simply posted on facebook, WOW.  The next morning when I came into work, I guess it was obvious how exhausted I still was when one co-worker said, it's like you ran a marathon and got hit by a truck.  That is certainly how I felt as I knew Friday in the mail, I was both excited and scared to read what the letter would say.

Friday came and there was no letter.  It was today, when I called back to my lawyer's office that he said, "Well, Lisa, were you happy with the ruling?!"  I responded quite confused, stating that I hadn't seen it yet and have been quite worried.  He then realized that it was sent out only to the lawyers and he would get a copy of it in the mail today, so that I'll receive it in the mail tomorrow.  He said they ruled in our favor, that I have full placement with only a three hour supervised visit a week for my ex, with a supervisor that I agree to.  With two sick children in the other room and myself not having much energy at that moment I was still in a bit of shock I guess.  He said she saw through all his lies and well, he'd get this right out to me.  He also said that my ex's lawyer has already filed against the ruling and are planning to take this up infront of the judge, but he didn't go into any details on that and I didn't see any dates set yet when I looked on my computer later today. 

I was off the phone in minutes and I don't really think it sunk in as I came back out to the familyroom to check on the kids.  I did post on Facebook that I heard from my lawyer and what he said and was surprised at all the comments and postings of support and prayers answered, and hooray for justice finally...only it doesn't feel real yet.  Maybe it's because I've been so tired and felt a bit under the weather today too.  Maybe it's because I don't have the actual legal documents in my hands yet to read, or knowing that we still have to go back to court at some point.  But I guess I did win at least one part of this battle today.  I made progress.  I was finally heard by someone.  I am a bit curious to read what the papers say tomorrow and go from there.  I guess a part of me didn't get my hopes up as I never know what will happen in this legal world of ours.

For tonight, I am glad both of my kids are feeling better, looking forward to going back to school tomorrow.  Glad that I have two wonderful children and three wonderful furry children and so many amazing friends supporting me in my life.  I thank God for his continued watching over me and my children as well.  I guess tomorrow is a new month, perhaps a more optomistic one at that.  I will be in touch with an update again soon.  God's peace.