I have said it before and I'm saying it again, I don't know what it is about Sunday nights. There is something that just makes it so challenging to get myself to go to bed. I know I'm tired, but I keep reading Facebook, or straightening up, cleaning off the kitchen counters, double checking my email...what is it that I'm waiting for, a call to tell me, it's time Lisa, stop and go to bed.
When you are living alone as a single parent, with no other adults in the house with you, to remind you to get yourself up off the chair, or off that computer, that you do indeed need and deserve a good night's rest, it's hard to get yourself to climb into that big empty bed. Knowing there will be no one to join you, no one to cuddle up beside to fall asleep in the arms of or even just next too. You'd think after a couple years, okay four now since I had to begin facing the empty bed, that it would become easier. Sadly, I can say it does not. The reality is, once you'd had that experience, those years of having someone there, you miss it. Some nights more than others, but yes you miss the company.
This past week, another recent divorced single mother told me how she is getting better or working on self talking herself to get up off the couch, to turn off the TV and make herself go to bed. I told her I was so relieved to hear it's not just me. Personally, my laptop has taken over as my distraction of lately, but it's true, when it's just you, it's hard to motivate yourself to move. For me, sometimes it's just that I'm too exhausted to battle getting up and turning off the lights, doing those last minute bedtime rituals and admitting I am making myself go to bed. I either ran out of time or energy to accomplish any more in this day. I am finally letting myself or rather making myself take a break and give my body a chance to recharge. Yet, doing that means I have to face another day.
Ah, the words of a pessimist I realize...have to face another day...have to hit the arm, feet on the floor, reality it ready to throw another punch of a day or week at you. After last week, I feel like I'm a punching bag that needs a break. I get it, life is not easy, it's not fair, but can it let up, give me a chance to get back into one of those peaks instead of lowering me further into the valleys. When I think back to last Monday morning...if I knew what I was going to face during last week..surely I would have opted for hiding under my blanket. I made it through I suppose, and as the optimist in me would say, it sure could have been a lot worse. At the same time, I've had it with drama, stress, complications in my life.
Monday was going along okay, my children had an early release day from school and I was blessed to be able to be home with them, although I didn't really feel like I was with them that much as my parents that moved into town at the end of summer, decided my trees had to be trimmed/cut and it couldn't wait any longer. So we spent the day, yes we as my Dad was convinced I wanted to help/be apart of this, as well as the fact that he is getting older and tires out more easily. We took down the dead/decaying and almost dead last two of three clump river birch in my front yard, branches of two other trees that apparently were not at a safe distance from my house or my driveway. The help was appreciated, but after that and raking with my kids before they arrived, that evening I was feeling it. Hand sawing trees maybe a much less expensive option, but a more tiring one I must say.
That evening I began receiving texts from my lovely ex husband. It began with a statement that he was in the ER, extremely sick and was not going to be able to take the kids Wednesday night. I was taken back and then questioned the kids if Dad had been sick that morning/over the weekend as they had just spent their every-other-weekend weekend with him. He was fine this morning, my daughter had said and I got to thinking and venting on a text to another friend or two, as I had to attend my Open House for the Preschool I work at as well as had made plans afterwards already. One person said to call his bluff and just tell him no. I did. I texted back that I had to work. He didn't expect me to question his and continue that he was in a hospital, we had massive thyroid issues, had fainted at work...I responded how did he know he'd still have to be there in two days. That's when it start coming out...he loves the kids so much, he's doing this for me and the kids....I questioned if he was in Rehab, knowing he was facing a court date next week (well, tomorrow as I type this)...and he said..."you are going to hang me"...he continued on saying, "I'm doing this for them" which I responded, "No, for the court"...I told him I knew about his 2nd OWI, that's it's public knowledge on CCAP and that he is facing jail time now. "Yes, may be 60 days. I'm so god damn scared! I'm so sorry I have been a train wreck and doing this to try and save my job and take care of you guys. I love them so much I would do anything and this for them"...I responded you are doing this for yourself, or rather thought I, but realized I said you did this to yourself, "Of course I did! But I'm here now and want to be clean again!!!...." he continued on and I stepped back and had to breath.
A few years back I could have been sucked into his story, the way someone who is addicted tries to get someone like to feel empathy or sympathy or something for him. Not anymore. I have seen him do this multiple times. I found out he had just obtained a lawyer that day and I'm quite sure the lawyer had told him if he self-checked in for Rehab, the judge would view that as a positive step and be easier on him. I knew darn well that he wasn't going to the hospital for me and the kids, he was scared to death and freaking out, paranoid about what will happen next. As I vented a little bit too much on Facebook, I received a few different response, a couple saying to call the hospitals and see if he even is at one. I finally starting looking online and went to the website for the one he claimed he was at. They didn't have a inpatient program for drinking or drugs there....so I took action and called the ER, as three different people had now suggested. What I didn't expect, when I asked if he had checked in there, was for them to then put me directly through to him on the phone! Yes, as soon as I heard his voice on the other end...telling me he was in a bad place, really messed up and needed help, I was taken back in time to the beginning of summer before our divorce began. His voice was scared, almost shaking as his body was at times, curled up under the blanket on the basement couch, telling me, repeating to me that he can't lose his job, that he can't go to jail, that he can't eat, sleep, extreme paranoid little child was shining threw again. The past time, he was facing sexual assault charges against a female co-worker during a Dells business/social getaway in which I overheard him on the phone saying how drunk he was, etc...and honestly at that point in his state of mind/life I didn't know what to believe anymore. I tried to stand by his side but he was so secretive and so unlike the man I had ever known, so out of control of his impulses in terms of drinking at home, I had no clue what he was capable of in a situation away.
He explained to me that they were checking his levels of potassium or something that the next day a coworker at my work said, yes, they'd be low if his liver was in bad shape...and that he had just realized they didn't have an impatient program there and they'd be sending him home that night after running a few more tests. Really? You went to check in for inpatient rehab and didn't bother to check and see if they had it at the hospital? That makes total sense....not.
So I have the lovely job of calling my parents and telling them I need them to watch my kids because my ex husband is checking into rehab or is in such awful shape he once again is backing out of watching our kids. They agree and I make it through most of Tuesday, until the texts from him return. This time in an entirely different manner...he claims he met with another doctor to get an assessment and he doesn't have a severe enough drinking probably to check in to rehab, that he's okay and will be now taking the kids...SERIOUSLY???? You want me to trust you in taking our kids now???? Oh yes, and one of the many lovely texts I received upon parking my car at the soccer field, just as I was going to coach my son's team was, "I was assessed at stage 1 dependency which is the lowest and stage 5 is the highest, and I was 100% honest with them. So need to figure out a plan B next. In the meantime I'm not drinking at all now and have meds to curb the desire to drink which seem to work. Lisa-want me back, the old me, for the kids..."
Um, yah, I really didn't need all that drama before I was heading out on the soccer field to work with my own child as well as 16 more...practice went well, I was able to focus temporarily on other things, but once the kids were back home, in bed for the night, my mind starting churning out of control again. Already, friends advised me to keep the kids, to go to the courthouse and declare him unstable and to seek temporary full custody. I received more texts, one saying, "I have more tests at the hospital but will be home by then (for me to drop off the kids). Long story but they found several significant issues with my health, one was critical they just caught in time. Just so u know if I do die, you can't get child support and I have ZERO life insurance on me for anyone to be a beneficiary. Couldn't afford it. So good thing ur parents are in town now."
It was with that text that I got my camera back out and began taking pictures of my phone with the texts-time and date for evidence, emailed the two coworkers that I had to go to the court house for personal business and would not be in at work tomorrow and went to town documenting, loading, ordering one hour photos to be picked up in the mornings. This was now the third item he was in Contempt of Court, breaking the MSA and stating that he was directly to me. On top of the face that i was told on Wednesday mornings, the Family Services offers free legal time with lawyers so I got the kids off to school and headed to get some answers, to find out what I can do for my kids. Did I have to send them Wednesday night, with their Dad in the condition he was in/state of mind he was in?
After finding out that it wasn't until two hours later that the lawyer volunteering their time were in, I had more than enough time to sit in the cafeteria/lower level lobby to wait and reread harassing texts, he MSA to see what all he was not following and to get rather depressed. Finally, I discovered a couple people were standing around the door down the way...come to find out there is a sign in for this opportunity to meet with a lawyer, and as the women said, placing the sign up sheet in hall, once at least ten of us were there, please be honest and write your names in the order you arrived...that didnt' happen.
Finally I was called back to meet with the women, whom I had to sign a wavier that I could not be promised confidentiality, that I would not be able to be represented in a court and that the lawyer could not give legal advice, rather get answer questions and guide you in directions to receive answers. Well, in terms of the MSA, having no insurance, not providing the tax forms for the two years, they were both something I would need to fill out a packet for, receive a court date and then argue that he is in contempt for not following the MSA in front of a judge. As for the harassing texts, in which the Civil Judge back in August told me to take up his harassing in Family Court...this women claimed that he was already tired and cleared of harassment based on those texts so they would no longer stand up in a court room. Next, she told me that with the check I received a month late, in which I had photographed this summer, for a portion of my child support, it was indeed written up in the MSA that I could send in a "ex parte" and then he would be required to pay all child support through direct deposit. Now, writing up this order needs to be done by a lawyer, mailed in and then the process will begin. I dont' have money for a lawyer, which is why I was there. Finally, after hearing about the 2nd OWI, the behavior and texts I have been receiving, she said legally you have to take teh kids to him, follow the MSA and allow him to have his placement time or you will be in Contempt of Court, breaking the MSA/Law. Your only option is to go through Family Court and argue full or more custody. That was it and within less than 10 minutes it was be on your way, next please.
I left the court house as I had many times before...questioning why on earth did I even come here....paying the parking for the morning upon leaving the lot, I really questioned, on the little money I have right now, why did I waste it on gas and this. As I drove away and onto my other appointment I had that afternoon I felt helpless once again. At least I had received some answers I was told, when telling a friend about it later. Taking my kids to their dad's, waiting in the pouring rain as he showed up late to his driveway, I drove back into Madison for my Open House quite depressed....so much so that later, once I finally got home for the evening, I put my flannel PJs on, tried to type online and finally, quite sad and depressed quoted a verse from the bible or two on Facebook, said I was too exhausted/drained to post my blog that night and went to bed. I made it through work the next day, which was my long day...working from 8:30 until 7/7:30 at night....came home, finished helping with homework, getting kids to bed and could hardly enjoy escaping into my Thursday night TV characters lives. I fell asleep early and got up to face a busy Friday. When I arrived to teach Friday morning, it's the one day I assist for part of the time, I arrived to find out I was suddenly leading and a sub was coming to assist...a sub that ended up not really knowing how to work with children this age and ended up having issues creating more stress that I couldn't really take right then. I made it through and over to the other campus to hopefully find the Pastor I really need to talk too...but sadly, he was busy and by the time he wasn't I was in a meeting that went until I had to be home for my kids arriving off the school bus. I did receive a text from him asking what was up (the Pastor) to which I replied, "Life is getting too much for me right now." We decided we'd try and talk next week.
The kids arrived home excited it was Friday (I'm glad someone was, as after finding out the direct deposit from work didn't work, receiving a call on the answering machine that a bill payment was able to be made due to insufficient funds in my account...). We got out all the paints, as I had promised and they began painting both mini pumpkins as well as their boats for Sunday's (today's) Cub Scout Rain Gutter Regatta. Oh, I forget to mention, I didn't have any sandpaper and had to have my Dad drive over and bring some, which meant stay and help sand for a bit. I was at the same time getting everything ready for the Den Meeting I was leading in less than an hour. We made it to and through the meeting, came home and finally got to bed, as we had to get up for soccer the next morning, as well as the day with my relatives coming to visit from out of town. Was I feeling any better Friday night, I would say definitely not. A good friend had emailed Friday evening that she was keeping me in her prayers, as she could see my eyes welled up, trying to hold back tears during our opening devotion at our meeting Friday afternoon. I thanked her and later, Saturday night spoke with her for a bit. I told her there is nothing else really she can do right now.
As a friend at work had told me Thursday afternoon at work, "Sometimes you can't go around it, can't go over it, you just have to go through it"...from a bible lesson she was doing with children that day and had thought of me. She's right. Sometimes you just have to keep going, somehow and get through things in life. We got through to today, somehow found and got the boats sprayed/waterproofed an hour before the race, somehow, I ended up volunteering to time one of the 8 lanes and enjoyed every minute of it...the best part, was seeing first my son, win second place-a ribbon and small award for all of the Tiger Scouts in town...and then hearing my daughter won a first place ribbon for the open class as they called the sibling competition. They both came home so excited, so full of joy. I tried to remember this is what matters, seeing the smiles while they were racing, painting the boats Friday afternoon as well.
Saturday night, after the relatives left, I had promised (once I had money in my account again) we would go shopping for Halloween costumes. Little did I know the selection for a fourth grade girl, two weeks before Halloween is rather slim. I learned the hard way, traveling to four different stores...with two tired out kids. Finally, at a store that at least had four to pick from, this is it, you can pick one of these or we'll make one at home...she found an adult costume in an aisle near by and declared, I will be a witch this year, only if you'll buy the Mom costume and dress up as a twin with me...so we can match! Okay, that moment, amongst all the stressful ones this week, will truly stand out in my mind forever. My almost 10 year old daughter, who I can't sing, dress, where my hair right around wanted to match me for Halloween. You'd better believe we bought the costumes, as depressed as I was at the check out that I was now paying for an addition adult costume that was not in my budget, I was just going to have to make it work.
As I sat here tonight, trying to decide whether to go to bed or type, not knowing if my ex husband will be going to court tomorrow (as he claimed he was heading to Chicago for work and having his lawyer just show up)...whether anything is decided or they have to have another court date first. I am aware there will be jail time in the near future that he will not be taking the kids during, as far as when, how much, if they'll have him do rehab as well again, as they did two years ago when he had his first OWI....I don't know. Knowing I can't making any plans, don't know if I'll have any "me time" in the weeks again...not knowing if he'll lose his job and if I'll end up not having enough money to pay my bills....it's too much to think and worry about anymore. I was practically making myself sick last week over it all. I realize it's out of my hands. All I can do is pray, wait and pray. Oh yes, and enjoy the smiles on my amazing children's faces (when they arent' fighting or waking me up an hour early on a Saturday morning I can barely face).
I suppose I can make myself enter that empty bed now. As I have no clue what this next week will bring, honestly, I don't want to know.
