As I lay in bed, unable to sleep, trying to hold back tears, I am reflecting on what I last typed on Facebook before going to bed. I am tired of being strong. As I laid there, I knew I needed sleep but unable to as tears kept bubbling up from inside. I thought to myself, you are not strong Lisa, why did you type that. Then I had one of those little cramps or uncomfortable feelings from my tender insides as I am having currently as I type. I feel weak, not strong. I feel like you do after you've had the flu and you just want to be curled up in a blanket and someone hold you in your arms, telling you it's going to be okay.
I continued to think about having arms holdling me, being held, hugged, comforted. I don't understand what I have done wrong, or not done, or why I am laying here on this day alone. I am then reminded of even when I was married, it didn't mean there weren't night, many, that I lay in a bed next to someone and still felt alone.
What did I do? Why is it that so many other people out there in the world are able to find a kind, caring, loving spouse, a rock with they need it, a companion, a best friend to share days like this with. Why not me? What did I do? What I have I done wrong? Why I am having to feel like a little child crying and cuddled up in a blanket wanting to be held?
I don't understand a lot of things. I don't understand why some people get sick. I don't understand why some people treat others the way they do. I don't understand why we have to go through challenging times over and over and over again. Have I not learned my lesson? Am I missing something?
What did I do to deserve today? Why do I have to have so much drama in my life? Am I asking for it by how I live, by the choices I make? If I am, could I please ask for a different path? I don't understand what I am doing wrong, what I've done to deserve all these battles and when they will end.
Apparently I had too much self confidence going into my appointment today. I had heard from many females that irreglarities are not that uncommon, that it's probably nothing. I loaded my minivan with outgrown clothes to take to a resale shop, a couple things for Goodwill and some items to drop off at church. With all the cleaning and organizing I'd been doing the last couple days, I figured I'd get stuff out of here when my appointment was done. I had a return at Home Depot. Yup, I was going to be productive, I had it all planned.
When I was taken back to the exam room, was when I discovered it was more than I had realized. It was a room I hadn't been in before, with a centered bed do they call them with stir-ups out and a few different machines and lots of instruments out. I was set in my mind that I can handle an annaul female physical, this wont' be much different. Well, after the weight and blood pressure check the nurse started entering data on the computer about my "....inoscopy" procedure today. No, I didn't catch the first term, but when it's called a procedure, and in a room in unchartered territory my anxiety sensor turned on. After finishing up the quetions...do you plan to have more kids some day? Well, I did once, but after four years on my own, I really don't know anymore...she said to stay dressed for now as the doctor would be in to speak with me about the procedure first.
She came in, got out a scrap piece of paper and a pen and began to draw a diagram for me...which is good as I am a visual learner. But I interupted breifly to let her know that my ear that was bugging me a week ago when I was in, is a lot worse, it felt plugged up yesterday and today, sounds odd when I try and talk and hurts to touch it or try and sleep on it at all. She checked it out quick and said, huh...yup, that's swimmer's ear alright. Questioned if I'd been putting Q-Tips in or anything and I replied it's been itching/irrated so much, but just my finger/fingernail to try and make it feel better. Okay, so ear-drops were typed in on the computer...at least I had an answer quickly to that...and back to the scratch paper.
The first thing on the paper was what looked like stairs. She labled the bottom step "abnormal cells" and the top "cancer". The lables inbetween escape my mind right now but I do remember I was a few steps up from my orginal physical last week, which is why I was sitting in the chair listening to what was about to happen next. She explained that there is an extremelly good chance I have HVP, pretty much sure I do. I had done too much searching on the internet about it since her call on Friday, and she scolled me rightfuly for doing so. My doctor compared it to the chicken poxs. It's a virus that once you have it's there for life. It may resurface...it may not. There is no way of knowing where you got it, as it has no symtoms when you contract it. For men, not only does it not have systems, there are no test to see if they are carring it. So, she reminded me it could have been from my first sexual partner (which happens to have been my husband) or from your most recent. It can be in your body and never show a sign. What probably happened is when I had a new sexual partner I either contracted it from then, causing the cells to change in my body/to create a reaction or having a new partner can trigger it if it's been hiding with no symptons for an unknown amount of years. There is no form of protection out there from preventing it and is why somewhere around 80% or more adults have it and most are unaware they do. I had went through beating myself up over this the other night when she had called and I was reseraching online.
The only way to not get it or be sure it doesn't reappear again is to not have sex. I even questioned her today, so what does this mean? That I can never have sex with someone again? She reminded me that a high number of people already have it. That there is no symptoms for men and if I did have sex again, it wouldn't necessarily mean I he would contract it, nor is there any way of knowing if he doesn't already have it, since it can not be tested. The only concern is that if/when I do have a new partner there is that chance that it could reoccur in my body. So what does that mean I questioned? She said to try and find one partner and stay monogomous.
Well, yes, that was what I did from my first experience until four years ago in my early thirthies beginning a divorce. I never wanted to have a new partner, I never wanted to go back out or start in the dating world. Yet I was not cut out to be a nun and do not want to spend the rest of my life celebite or alone. So where does that leave me...back to the piece of paper to find out what to do with my current situation.
She explain the proceedure would include quite a few different parts, the one machine has a microscope to view inside...the different swipes and samples...I'll spare you the details...then she mentioned, as she had on the phone, that if needed while I am there and see something, will get a bioposy. Then it was time for her to leave the room and re-enter with my sheet drapped over me. It was a good half-hour of being in, what women know as that not-so-comfortable position...I was even more tense and tight not knowing the rountine as I do for the annual ones by now in life. I was hanging in there, staring at a focal point of a random pattern on the ceiling...already had made the suggestion of a poster up there like dentist offices have to look at...and it was when she explained now I am going to do the biopsy that my tense muscles really got shaking. As she knows of my anxieties, she explained exactly what was about to happen and I made the mistake of looking at the tool she was going to be taking skin out of my body with. Yes, she found not one but two locations of concern as I was starting to feel faint now or something. Apparently I was looking it too as they were asking me what I had to eat today, to keep talking to them, etc. After the second one the doctor explained they had medicine that might sting or erratate me but will help control or hopefully stop the bleeding (bleeding I thought it my mind really started feeling queasy)...she continued with the routine of what I can't do for two weeks...no baths, sex, etc. so that I have time to heal inside. Then that I will probably have some spotting and cramping over the next couple days, to take ibuprofen and take it easy, no exercise...ah wait, I am leading the drills for my son's soccer team tonight I spoke up with...nope, not anymore she said. Okay tears stay in the eyes, in the eyes....she said I could sit or stand on the sidelines but the less moving around the better.
As she finished up, and started raising the back of the examining table, was when I really was weak apparently it showed on my face...so she laid me back down, had the nurse get me some cool washcloths help me get my breathing back to normal. The doctor asked if I had someone bring me today/to take me home...I hadn't even thought of doing that...here I had a list of errands to run...I could tell in my rapid breathing and trickling tears that those weren't going to happen either. She said, once I was doing a little better she'd be back in to explain what happens next. It took a little bit, but she returned...explaining that she did not see any cancer. She's done this enough to know what it looks like and it's not currently in me. The two biopsies need to be sent for further testing and in a week, or less, I'll know what level of the steps there are. Pretty much I am right between the, let it go, check me again in six months to make sure it hasn't intensified step and the needed to do out-patient surgery step. The precancerous cells, if strong enough, developed far enough can be removed by going in with a laser I believe and removing an entire layer/lining inside. I guess the idea is that it will kill off/take away the current growths and we hope there are no future ones. She reminded me it usually takes 4-10 years for the cancer to fully form and there was not actual cancer yet today.
That was a lot to process. I lay there, worried to get up, as I did not want to face life, I did not want to find out if I was bleeding or how quickly or painful the cramping might be. I got up though, as I saw the clock on the other wall and realized I no longer had the time option of checking off anything on that to do list and needed to get home before the bus came with my kids.
My kids. As I started driving towards home, rather shaky, probably from tightening every muscle from my hips down to my toes were almost quivering. Soccer, my son's first soccer practice...I can't not go, but I can't hardly walk. What do I tell them? Why is Mom walking slowly, or feeling weak? Not something to explain to a 9 and 6 year old. I made it home. I made it to the bus stop, and fortunately with a sunny afternoon had the option of sunglasses to hide my eyes. The kids excitedly got off the bus, my daughter announcing, "I'm going to go see the birthday beagle!!! It's her birthday today mom, right?!" Yes, it was. Our first dog was turning 12 and was about to get a lot of attention for the rest of the night. Then my son about ready to do his running tackle hug as I had to step back quick and stop him, explaining not right now. It wasnt' long that we were in the house that my daughter asked why I was acting funny, walking weird and stuff. Leave it to a fourth grader for the brutal honesty. I said I had to go to the doctor today for some tests and I'm a little weak, but I'll be okay.
That was enough to start up the, "Mom, can I have a snack? Mom, can we take Sadie to Petsmart to pick out her birthday gift? Mom we ALWAYS take her on her birthday! Come on....."
Before long the idea of resting was gone and we were taking our 12 year old beagle out to get a birthday present and then K9 Custard for dogs from Micheal's. Yes somehow we ate a very fast dinner there and made it back only 2 minutes late for soccer practice. Which, somehow we made it through as well. It was afterwards when we got back to the house and needed baths/showers that I realized all my energy and patience were gone. I felt bad later once they were in bed, but thought really, I think as I Mom I can be exhausted, once in a while, right? I am human.
They finally were both in bed and I texted back to my sister, then spoke on the phone as she had called earlier for an update. After getting off the phone and sitting down for the first time, in silence, looking at my computer screen the tears reemerged. What had happened today? Why does life keep throwing me curve balls, giving me more challenges to face, day after day.
Oh, I believe I forgot to mention on the drive to my appointment, my ex husband texts me that he's going to be in Minnesota all week and now wont' be taking the kids tomorrow night and doesnt' know what he'll be back Friday afternoon/evening. Really? Mid-day on Tuesday you text me this? It's not that I don't want to have my kids. I am more than happy to have them tomorrow night...and Friday if need be...but I had made plans for Friday night. I had actually planned a party at my house....to which I was thinking as I read more Evite responses tonight, how on earth am I going to have people here when I don't feel very strong to vacuum, clean, get the house ready...nor do I feel like celebrating my birthday or life right now.
There has been a crack in my windshield for a little over two weeks now. It has been driving my daughter crazy each time we drive somewhere, worried it is going to take over, to break the entire windshield and the glass is going to come flying in on me. Well, I was noticing today that yes, that crack is growing. As much as I want to ignore it or put it off it's start to crepe over towards the drivers side and although it shouldn't crash in on me, will continue to intensify as to how much it bugs me as well. So tonight I finally called about getting it fixed. Not that I want yet another thing to worry about, or how much I'll need to add to my charge card to get it repaired, but it needs to be done. The crack is like the stress in my life. It is growing, whether I like it or not and I need to fix it, remove it or figure out a better way to drive my daily life with it there.
I know my worries are small in the big picture of the world. I have not been hit by a hurricane, an earthquake or tornado. But in my own little world, the emotional storms lately have been a bit too strong for me. I just want to figure out how I can make them go away. I realize part of life is having obstacles/challenges to face and overcome, but I am tired of them. I am exhausted by them and want a break. No, not a break, but some positive sunshine to focus on again. Starting out my 37 year of life later this week will not be done with a healthy trip to the gym, as I am suppose to stay away for a bit, it won't be celebrating great health, a great man, or a great new job. It will begin as the calendar year began, with obstacles and challenges that I need to keep making my way though, hoping that the clouds are moving away soon and that I will be able to enjoy the sunshine of life more easily.
I hope this entry did not come across selfish, as I so didn't mean for it too. I have been overwhelmed, scared, worried, angry, hurt, depressed and somehow when my kids are around my smiley face comes back on as I am so blessed to have them in my lives. As I laid in bed tonight earlier, trying to keep my mind from racing...I was brought back to the phone conversation about the new windshield, as the man I called was a former neighbor excited to have heard from me. He asked excitedly how are things going? I responded in my usually cheer voice, good!
Really? What was I thinking? GOOD? I had to have two biopsies done today, I have Child Protective Services involved as the safety for my kids are their dad's, I have the local police concerned about my safety based on threats and behaviors of my ex, I have to start up a new school year in two days with less hours and less pay but higher payments on my credit cards that I am having problems paying. I am alone, with no husband, boyfriend or sign of one and I feel ugly and overweight yet I was told today I have to wait to exercise...which is fine as I am typing right now, I really don't feel good enough to anyway. Yes, I would say my usually upbeat, cheery Lisa GOOD was a flat out lie today. Well, not so much a lie as a feeling I was acting out until my kids were in bed. I am not good. I am exhausted, sad, worried, frustrated, tender. I guess the word to describe how my insides as well as my outsides and feelings are feeling is tender...and tired. So once again I'll try and settle my mind while at least my body will be laying down resting, whether my mind wants to or not.
