My son (I'm hearing daughter as I reread this to you), do not let wisdom and understanding out of your sight, preserve sound judgment and discretion; they will be life for you, an ornament to grace your neck. Then you will go on your way in safety, and your foot will not stumble. When you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet. Have no fear of sudden disaster or of the ruin that overtakes the wicked, for the LORD will be at your side and will keep your foot from being snared.
Proverbs 3:21-26
Do not let wisdom out of my sight...no, I can honestly say it's not too far these days. I am doing all I can to take in, to absorb from the bible, from books that are being put in my path...even going to the point of questioning the three women in my office this morning, "Are we ready for our theological discussion of the day yet?" Perhaps I should explain here that I do, now, work in a church, happened to be sitting in a Children's Ministry office at the time...
I questioned a couple different people today what their "thoughts" on The Holy Spirit is. As growing up, my church, which happened to be a UCC, United Church of Christ, never happened to discuss it, or if it did, it was so brief, I daydreamed my way through it, which for me, in matters like this, probably wasn't the case.
SO, here I am in my mid...okay late 30s trying to make some sense of all this. It was wonderful to see the responses of both of the two people I chose to bring up the topic with, both of which I plan to discuss it in more depth at another time. I am not sure if it was in reading the book, "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan, this past week or a verse in the Bible, or finally finishing the reflection section of "The Search for Significance" by Robert S. McGee, but something got me searching, online, asking around....my Internet searches got me to the few places in the Bible where the Holy Spirit is actually discussed as well as a couple books. Due to our amazing technology these days, I was able to preview some of a couple of the books online, one of which two different people on the Daily Audio Bible form suggested today. So my next book to tackle in my quest for wisdom and understand (along side my daily quest in the Bible this year) is the book sitting next to me. "Forgotten god: Reversing Our Tragic Neglect of the Holy Spirit."
God works in mysterious ways, doesn't he? One conversation today was regarding if the person I was speaking with thought the Holy Spirit is always within or if he comes and goes. We discussed that he is always in our heart, but it's not always that we are listening, or are willing to accept what is being offered to be heard. I agreed with the comment the other said, actually both had said, that sometimes it's through music, through nature, through the Bible, through comments another person says to you, that we are receiving guidance and understanding of what to do, how to live our lives and honor God.
On top of the joy I am finding on my journey, I have to be honest here, that my life right now is also through a bit of challenges my way...well, they haven't ever ended as they are like a pot of water, that at times keeps containable and yet lately, the lid isn't staying on so well.
At work today, I also decided to share some of the extremely odd email messages I have been receiving from my ex-husband over the past week. After so many years of dealing with issues, I feel like I am just bothering people by sharing yet more that are coming up/to light, but sometimes it is hard to tackle them on your own. Before I continue, I realize I am not on my own...I have been praying for guidance, I have been using one of my closest friends in the world to received each email, both as a sounding board/to make sure I am right on feeling these are not okay, as well as for documentation, so that if something were to happen to my copies, which has happened before, I have a back up. The latest messages, included a video that was just bizarre, which my ex-husband wanted me to share with my daughter, as he sent it to make her laugh. Yet seeing it, he was miss-treating a cat in the video...and laughing about it, explaining in the message that accompanied it how much it makes her laugh each time he does that. As I watched other's react to it today, I was reminded what an un-healthy environment I have to send my kids to 30 percent of the time. Then other messages followed, a slue of them Friday night, some extremely rude/uncalled for. As the same co-workers pointed out, they are manic and just messed up, this man needs help. I am well aware of this and I know in a few weeks he is going to be sentenced to at least a month in jail for his most recent OWI. After hearing the great concern for the two people I was speaking with at work, both questioned again why I can't have full custody, why are they allowed to see him/spend time with him.
I explained/reminded them that I had went through the Child Protective Services at the beginning of fall and wasn't successful. I went back to court to get a new restraining order, as the old one had ended, and, probably due to the fact I didnt' have a lawyer, was unable to receive one, yet the judge did call his actions/behavior extremely inappropriate and told me to take up some of the issues at that time with Family Court. Which again, brings me back to not having money for a lawyer, still be in more dept than you can imagine from the divorce itself which ended in May of 2009.
On the way home from work, processing all that I was told/discussed today, I felt the need to keep driving through the round about past my turn and to the police station, where I was pleasantly surprised to find out the office that was familiar with my past cases was on duty. We talked for the brief half hour I had before my children would be coming home from school and was feeling a bit more concerned for their safety after we both updated each other on things since we last some this fall, as well as a stronger feeling that I should look into custody. The next step I took was to send her copies of all the messages as well as plans to talk more tomorrow. I also finally got the courage to email my daughter's guidance counselor to start explaining some of the issues that are reality in our/her life right now. As well as to ask for guidance as to how to approach the subject that her dad is going to jail, as neither of my children have a clue about this yet.
I have always and still want what is best for my children. I have not told them anything of all the police related events I have had involving their dad; the restraining order; the awful things he has said and done; the drugs and alcohol issues; I can go on and on but I am not typing to get pity or sympathy...just to state that in their own time, I figured they would form their own opinion of their father. As long as they were safe while they were there, I know the man I had started dating over 20 years ago, that he had some great qualities and hopefully they would experience them too. Sadly, in the past six months, it has been a process of watching him self-destruct. I honestly don't think he is okay right now. Whether that is due to mental issues that he is not getting help (medicine/counseling for) or if he really is still using drugs and/or alcohol...
As I began the entry tonight with, not letting wisdom, which I am in a constant search for, have been for years...and understanding out of my sight...preserve sound judgement...okay that last one...I dont' want to judge how my ex-husband is living his life, as it is no longer my worry, yet in a way it is, as my children are still spending time there tomorrow night for a few hours and this weekend...so I am doing what I feel in my heart is what is right and am trying to get help, again...maybe this time I have enough filed up to help them legally.
Sorry, I rambled on about my "hidden" issues more than I had planned...I will be back soon with more reflection and learning about my new book and conversations I have with others on the workings/understanding of the Holy Spirit in my search for wisdom.
