New Years 1-1-11

It was 11:11 on 1-1-11 and many who know me, know how I am with numbers. So what do I happen to be doing at this time? Trying not to cry. After waiting all day to find out if we were going to exchange our Christmas gifts, I finally gave up waiting for a response to a text or for a call. I had just watched the Badgers lose in the Rose Bowl, and to quote my sister's text "That sucks!". Yes, it did, well at least for the Badger fans watching. So I got up and decided I have to do SOMETHING and started taking down the Christmas decorations. It had to be done sometime, just do it Lisa. Well, I did and wanted to start crying as it all happened so fast and now I also felt that not only the holidays were over, but it was feeling more and more like any chance of our relationship coming together would be over soon. I held back the tears and kept packing. Just hoping, wishing that one day I would have a man with me to share in the holidays with my family and I as well as picking up after the holidays and recalling the good memories. Hope, I tried to pack up all the ornaments and remember it is a new year and so wanted hope, tried to hang onto it.

Finally, I finished, got into my flannel PJs and sat down to post on Facebook my accomplishment of the day. That was when I got the call. Yes, I was almost nervous to answer it. I was both mad that I hadn't heard back from his since 11 something New Years Eve, thinking he was coming home today and we'd be celebrating tonight together and glad that he was finally calling. Well, he was on his way home from his friends house. Had been there all afternoon and evening...as I questioned, did you think that I might have been trying to contact you, as you said you'd be probably coming home today? He left his phone in his truck and finally I asked point blank, I don't understand what I'm suppose to think anymore, you say that you got me a Christmas gift, that you want to see me, be friends, that you still care about it and yet I feel like I'm being avoided. He explained that nothing has changed in the past three weeks since he called off the engagement, that he still doesn't know where he's going to work, if he's going to be moving; that my ex is still who he is and my financial situation is still the same. I am aware of that, I said so what does that mean for me? I'm suppose to give up hope? I don't understand how you can just ignore the feelings, you keep saying you love me, yet? He claims he feels like the horses ass here but it's him, I can't do anything about the situation and the situation hasn't changed and he has tried to stay friends, but it's not fair to be to string me along as he just knows it's not going to work as things are now.

So be it. What else could I say? He said he will give me a shout later and still has a Christmas gift he wants to give me when he's back in town. Yah, not looking forward to that right now.

Ok, breathing better now. Glad this new OWN, Oprah Network is on because I just had to refocus on something else. My dogs were starting to look at me crying with concern.

I knew though, deep down when I talked with close friends, I sensed it was going to end and I just didn't want to admit it. I had to face reality someday, why not New Years day, I guess. As a close friend of mine said back a couple months ago after he proposed, you shouldn't just think he's the one, you should just know. She was right, I didn't want her to be, but deep in my gut, I suppose I knew. Having someone kneel down on one knee and propose to you, even after a month and a half, a great month and a half at that, it was well, overwhelming and honoring to know that he loved me so much and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. But in reality, I should have known, it wasn't enough time to really know each other. Yes, the honeymoon period was wonderful, but you do have to go through some rough times together as well. Sadly, another lesson I didn't want to have to live to learn from, but I did.

So now, knowing and recently reflecting with a friend and how far I have come this past year, I am remembering she said, "You can view last year as a year of stepping stones, great strides to what is to come." I guess she's right. I have come a long way since last New Years Day, I have learned a lot, but still have a ways to go. I can only hope I don't have to start next year knowing that a relationship is over.

Why New Years Eve?

Now that Christmas has come and gone, I feeling as through the next holiday is staring me down, no way around it, it's coming, this week. I sat today, asking myself why do I put such emphasis on New Years Eve? I commented to a friend, if I was the only one. Apparently, at lunch today, I was. The end of something, the start of something new, or as my friend pointed out, "it's just another evening". The other pointed out how much she liked staying home on New Years, putting on cozy PJs and not having to face crowds, pay for overpriced foods, she questioned why anyone would want to go out and brave them.

I explained, on the years I have my kids, I dont' mind celebrating at home one bit. It's the years, like this one, that I feel since I am kidless I should be out and about, doing something important, special, monumental. The problem is I'm not quite sure what that is.

So, as the new year is about to occur, I find myself searching for insite, knowledge, advice as to how I should be starting it out. Two magazines later, I am formating a bit of a motivational headache. Eat healthier, spend less, exercise more, you can do it! I feel a bit exhausted already and I haven't taken the first step. Perhpas, the advice in a recent book, NOT to make New Years Resolutions, is looking like a rather wise choice for me right about now.

I always seem to watch the clock on New Year's Eve, down to the last minutes, second, as if something magical will happen as the numbers roll over to 12:00. As the ball lights up in Time Square and this year's host of Dick Clark's Rockin' Eve, and this years hosts break into their chorus of, "Should Old Aquatiance Be Forgot", it's time, something is suppose to happen.

When I was married, I use to nudge, wake-up my sleeping husband, to share what I thought was suppose to be an earth-shattering kiss to celebrate/kick-off the New Year. Of course, I don't ever recall fireworks going off, or magic occuring anywhere near me. I just remember that sigh, "well, it's here, now what", feeling that overtakes me in that next moment. I really dont' know what I expect to ccur, why I try and get my hopes up about something, an evening, to provide a miracle or sudden burst of insite and excitement.

I sit here thinking, if I have the freedom to go anywhere and do anything this New Years, what should I pick? Maybe my friends suggestion to stay in and put on cozy PJs for the night isn't the worst idea in the world. I guess I'll have to ponder at that one somemore, I do have three more days to decide I suppose.