Does love, kindness, caring truly exist in a relationship like it does in movies and on TV? Watching tonight's rerun of Grey's, seeing the love, hearing the words between Meredith and Derek...hard to believe I have watched them make it through their share of trauma in and out of the operating rooms and yet, the two are still in love. Yes, I do realize they are characters, acting the lines they are given, but that's why I just have to ask. What use to be my favorite movies, romantic comedies, they give hope, or an illusion at least that it does. Yet, in real life, I have friends still, overall happily married after 14, 15, 20 years and more.
I just looked online, after posting my update on Facebook, that sure enough, I have been watching Grey's for 10 years now. I remember watching it when my daughter was asleep in her crib, my husband out in the garage drinking with our neighbor, wishing my relationship was like the ones on TV, or at least that my husband had chosen me to spend the evening with.
I spent tonight, once the kids were finally asleep, going through the past ten years of Halloween pictures, as my daughter has decided she would like to join me in my favorite hobby, scrapbooking. I ordered her an 8x8 album, that should be coming this week, as shes plans to make a Halloween book. My comment on Facebook tonight you ask, "Tonight, I searched through the last 10 years of Halloween pictures, online, for *****'s first Creative Memories Scrapbook ****'s excited to be starting this week. Wow, it's amazing what can happen to a person in 10 years...memory lane is something else..."
Yes, looking back at my daughter's second Halloween, where my husband, at that time actually went trick-or-treating with us. He was actually in the room, or pictures at least while she and I carved out her first pumpkin. How does a person change so much over such a short period of time. I suppose it wasn't that he changed so much, perhaps those couple years when she was first born and the first few year prior when we were first married was the change and then he went back to his past ways. That I really don't know and can't control or change.
I believe the last time I posted, I was still in shock from reading through twelve pages of how awful things had become in my ex-husbands life. After reading all of that and finding out that he was drinking when his mother was there supervising his visit with the children, all that could keep going through my mind is that he is going to die, soon. He is not getting help, the report even stated he began regressing/slipping up again with cocaine this summer and now he really was back to drinking too. I heard nothing the rest of that week and most of the rest. It was after that, I received a letter in my mailbox from the case study worker. Without quoting it directly, it stated that his placement was suspend until he has completed a thorough AODA evaluation and started recommended treatment. After that placement of two, two hour visits with a professional supervisor and possible breathalyzers, alcohol/drug testing to continue during those. Only after absolute sobriety for no less than 12 months, successful completion of comprehensive AODA treatment and following all placement related rules would allow for a motion to be filed to change any of this.
Wow, is all I could say. In all the years I've know him, which is more than 20, I've never known him to go a week or month sober, I can't imagine a year. I also can't imagine him having a professional supervisor around for a visit. The only reason he started supervised visits was when I agreed it could be his mom. It still doesn't feel like reality that I now have full placement of the kids and the thought is even more and more in my mind that he won't be alive much longer. I let the local police know I was concerned for his own safety, not that he would come after me, but my concern is that he won't be able to handle the news of this letter, let alone handle the fact that all parties involved in this case received the 12 page case study report stating all the drugs, drinking, suicide scares, all the lies he send under oath now reported in quoted facts.
I began searching on the legal website to see if he was in another accident, arrested, for all I know he may not even be alive right now. I finally stopped in this past week, both to warn them of my concern about his own safety, out of frustration that all this drug activity is going on right here in town and to honestly see if they knew if he was still alive.
I still haven't heard a thing, just when my next two court dates are in September. I know I have not received child support since the first half of July, I know my lawyer, before sent a letter to his lawyer regarding this, as he started his new job in June. I also know my lawyer has been and still is out of town this week. I know out of the seven contempt filings, none have been received and I can't imagine how my ex is going to cope with the reality of all of this.
As I told a friend on the phone yesterday, I am so grateful my children are not going over to deal with who knows what at his place anymore, but the reality that I am going to have them full-time, 24-7, I am grateful, but wow, no break, no chance to date, meet anyone...it was just a lot to process. Not that I've had any time or energy to date this past year anyway, but now. I realize there are babysitters, only my daughter is borderline old enough to herself soon. It's just a lot to process.
I still feel odd writing in the school schedule, flag football practices, dance practice, Girl Scout and Cub Scout events on the calendar without any blocked out times. After five years of sharing holidays, every other weekend, it doesn't seem possible that they will just be here, be home.
Amazingly the kids are just enjoying the last few weeks of summer vacation, only a couple times questioning when they might see dad again, more asking when they'll see the new Lego sets, doll and video games he purchased them the last time they saw him.
I am grateful the harassing texts have stopped, only I wish this bad feeling that I'm going to get news that he is in a hospital or worse is going to come would go away. I don't want to have to tell my children their dad has died. I was hoping that wouldn't happen for many, many years, but lately, from what I have been reading, I don't know anymore.
I have not blogged, as I don't know much right now. I know the start of the new school year will be good for all of us in the house. Both for the kids to get a break from me and see their friends again, and for me to have a few hours of adult interaction at work, as well as a few hours to myself each week. I am blessed to be able to be going back to work at church, directing a night of mid-week ministry for children, teaching preschool, directing birth-three ministry as well as adding on some art classes this fall. I was surprised to hear that a local coffee shop said my cards/artwork was actually selling and they could use more...I have another place interested as well, so finding time to direct some attention on my own personal art would be a good outlet as well.
I am so grateful for the prayers that were heard to keep my children safe, especially after hearing what all had been going on at their dad's place over the past year. I just don't feel that things are 'okay' yet.
