I had to laugh as I walked past a car in Target's parking lot yesterday, as I saw the quote inside the little while oval...."Is it 2012 yet?"
I thought about it again today as I was watching yet another romantic comedy...one I had picked up last night at a Red Box, thinking today would be a good stay in my PJs day. As I watched it, I was noticing the main character's life, how quickly and dramatically a person's life can change. It's true in real life as well. You don't know, good or bad, when something out of the blue will happen causing a great ripple in your life. It's odd how we don't know when someone will toss that pebble in our pond either. We can't just sit around waiting for it, but we can acknowledge that pebbles are still out there.
This morning when I woke up from a bad dream, confused as to the fact that I was just dreaming and it was not reality. I was frustrated by the fact that I had yet another dream where the breaks would not work in the truck/vehicle I was driving. I also couldn't walk. I was trying to get my legs to keep going and I couldn't. I suppose, they are signs that I feel I don't have control over things in my life, which in a way certainly is true. But it's it true for everyone? Isn't there only so much we have control over? Whether we chose to wash the dishes, the laundry...go shopping or save our money...eat or not eat...exercise or stay stationary, laugh or cry? Wait, on the last one I brought up, sadly I don't always think we have control over it.
Wednesday night, after dropping off my kids at their Dad's, I came home with Chinese food and changed into my flannel pants, all ready to relax and enjoy an evening to myself. Emotions, those I didn't want too, took over. After reading something on Facebook, I began crying....if I truly had a choice, I wished I would have reacted differently, but I think sometimes your emotions, mind, genes, something else takes over and you cry, whether you want to or not. The next morning, on my drive to work or maybe it was on the way home, I heard the lyrics to a song, "Stand in the rain, stand your ground, stand up when it's all crashing down; stand through the pain, you won't drown, and one day what's lost will be found..." Yes, that night it felt like it was all crashing down on me. I felt jealous, angry, mad, depressed...and those deep emotions, when you let them rise up, they don't go away so easily. I was a puddle for hours. I posted something online about wishing I could just turn off my emotions. What I had read, was about the first guy I had start truly falling for, after my divorce, was happily in a committed relationship, a place he swore he'd never go again. It wasn't that, but the comments after that he made apologizing to those he had hurt on his way to where he was now...which would be me. I didn't know if I was jealous that it wasn't me that convinced him how happy and good a relationship could be, or more just the fact that my go-to guy when I need a reminder of what was so good about being single, was no longer single. He was the one I could call crying when a relationship ended and he'd be there full of reasons why I'm better off without the loser. Yes, I was jealous that he himself was able to find happiness in a relationship, one he never wanted and I, one who wants to be in one, is not.
I don't want to find a guy just to have a guy in my life...I want to have that someone there to support me, guide me, enjoy the good and bad...to have a best friend plus more. I don't need to continue on explaining why I would like to be in a relationship again someday. I just do, with the right guy. I also know God has plans for me, as I was reminded by a friend this week. As much as I want to, I can't rush those plans, I have to be patient and trust. Somedays, I just can't...I am human.
So what can I do? Work on keeping my mind a little clearer, which I attempted yesterday, when trying out a Yoga Studio in town here. A good 90 minute workout that I can sure feel today, yet I couldn't keep my mind from racing at the end where it is the goal to clear our mind and relax. Later today, I plan to attend my first mediation class. The thought of an hour of being still....I can't imagine, but I am willing to try. As I am well aware I need to find peace amongst all the chaos in my life. I am working on it, but am realizing I could use some tools, assistance.
