A kind soul on Facebook asked me what I was doing up at this hour. I responded, "Walking that fine line of dreading the week ahead and staying optimistic and having faith...oh yah and watching reruns of Grey's ;) "
It's funny how we think if we just stay up, don't go to sleep, we won't have to deal with life...not for a few more minutes or hours at least. So what is so awful about the upcoming week? On one level, nothing. I am able to be home most of the week with my children; taking my daughter to gymnastics and a drama class and my son to coach pitch baseball. I don't have to set my alarm tomorrow, or Tuesday. I am, for the most part, ready for the next Vacation Bible School I am directing and am working on class descriptions, flyer's and registration information on the art classes I was planning for this fall.
Then there is what sometimes feels like a parallel universe I am living...the universe where this week I have to meet with the Guardian at Litem and Case Study Worker Wednesday morning for the final time before they decide my children's placement schedule. There is Tuesday, when, unknown to my ex husband, the seven motions of contempt will be filed which will escalate his anger towards me even more. Not to mention, according to a text from my ex husband last week, this week will be my last child support check, not my law, but due to the face he lost his job who knows how many months ago and apparently his three or four months of severance pay will be ending.
The GAL sent out a memo two weeks ago stating two week nights for three hours and a weekend visit for six hours of supervised visits that were suppose to take place. Of those, three occurred, not due to my not being willing, as I was for each one. After Thursday night, my daughter tells me that Dad doesn't have his job anymore and told me he might lose the house. She continued saying that he told her he paid half of the house payment but that was all and then Nana jumped in and said it will be okay, hopefully you'll get that job you interviewed for this week. She asks me, "Will he lose the house for not paying once Mom?" I explain to her that no, it takes more than that and yes hopefully he will get the job, but really, he shouldn't have told you/worried you about all that. It's not something kids should have to worry about.
Seriously? How many times I have been late with a house payment, concerned about how we will get all our bills paid this month? If we'll be able to keep this house? Have I ONCE told my ten year old daughter about my worries, no of course not! As a parent, it's my job to keep them safe from worries like that. Yes, if we did have to move, they would know, I would be honest, but not until I had a plan to explain to her what would happen next.
What now? I have been looking online for other jobs, as I will not be able to keep paying my bills without receiving child support. On the other hand, he is legally required to pay child support and is apparently activity searching for a new job, so if he does get one soon...
I made the mistake, under the pressure of a conversation with my parents on the 4th of July, sharing the news that my ex husband lost his job. If one thinks I worry or catastrophize at all, I am nothing compared to them. Right away comments about getting a new job, a second job, wondering if I'd be able to find an apartment or duplex with a dog now...NOT what I needed. I had to talk them down, explain that I am well aware of all of those fears. I have a choice, I can either be scared out of my mind, or have faith, that somehow this will come together, that God is there for me, hearing my prayers and will help me through this as he has so many other things in the past five years.
I have been living on faith. Although, the devil, or maybe just life sure does challenge me to stand on that line some days. I know I am extremely blessed, that I have the most amazing children, pets, a home that has been keeping us cool on all these record breaking hot days...food to eat and clothes to wear. This is what matters. God has blessed all three of us with good health, so much love and his grace, his love... When I was going through the divorce, I didnt' know where we were going to live, I was a full time stay-at-home mom with a 6 and 2 year old. I didn't know where I was going to work and how I was going to make ends meet. Here I am, just a couple months shy of five years later, with an almost full time job I love, a home, pets, and amazingly healthy both emotionally and physically despite all that has occurred over those years.
I have put hours of thought into what to do financially, discussions with a couple close friends and prayers to God. If I take on an additional job, the cost of childcare will hardly make it worth the paycheck I would receive. Then, I began looking into other areas of employment, but it's hard to know where to turn when what you are doing is what you enjoy doing. I am at a loss. But I have not given up. I am praying, watching, listening for a sign, for hope...I am counting my blessings and keeping my faith.
In the back of my mind, while I type this, I also hear the voice of my parents, explaining they dont' have the money to keep paying these lawyer bills each month, that I am already in so much debt to them and they can't continue this. They haven't been supporting me financially in any other way and made it clear that if I stop receiving child support, they dont' have money to help me. Thus their discussing of me looking for a "full time job"...as right now, I am at 35/36 hours which I my mother stated, really didn't full time. Many people work 50-60 hours to be able to keep/have a job. Yes, that's true, but if I did that, who would raise my children???? Also, as I pointed out, I dont' have the degree, the gifts that my sister does, to be able to work as an aerospace engineer. I have a teaching degree. I may not work the hours she does, or make the money she does, but I do have a job, practically full time, I am a Cub Scout Leader, Girl Scout Leader, I was able to help co-lead soccer this past year and I am able to be there each day when my children get off the school bus, to tuck them into bed each night and say prayers with them. I am their mom and my goal in life right now is to be the best mother I can be. Yes, part of that is providing/finding enough money to pay our bills, but another is to be there for them emotionally, physically, and in any other way I can.
Yes, I realize not going to sleep isn't going to make any of these challenges go away, but once again I face a week of so many unknowns that I don't know how to control. Okay, I realize, many are out of my control, so I will do what I have been doing, praying to God to help us through this, thank him for all he's done for me, for the three of us.
I am excited to spend this week (most of it) with my amazing children, if only there weren't all those "grown up things" that my kids don't realize are also going on. If I continue to do my best, they won't, unless they absolutely have to.
