I am alive, or rather have been actively living my life. Which, when diving in fully, does not provide much time for reflecting and writing from the shore. But this weekend, circumstances have allowed otherwise. I have been given a chance to watch the show from a week and a half ago, that I wanted to see and was once again inspired to returned to my journal.
"...it's the way people try not to change that's unnatural. The way we cling to what things were instead of letting them be what they are; the way we cling to old memories instead of forming new ones; the way we insist on believing, despite every scientific indication that anything in this lifetime is permanent; change is constant. How we experience change, that's up to us; it can feel like death or it can feel like a second chance at life. If we open our fingers, loosen our grips, go with it, it can feel like pure adrenalin, like at any moment, we can have another chance at life; like at any moment we can be born all over again"
Grey's Season 7 Premiere aired 9-23-10
It was the summarizing quote on Grey's that I finally had the time to watch that did it. Change, a popular journal topic of the past few years, stating it's the way people resist change, cling to old memories instead of letting things be what they are...how about comparing current life to old memories. They didn't state a thing about it but I can sure relate to it. Looking back at the past terrified I am going to make the same mistakes again. Losing my faith in myself that I have grown, that I know what I am doing and viewing things in such a different way this time.
I also loved it when the character, Dr. Yang, was paging through a bridal magazine while talking to a trauma counselor, explaining how she knew these brides, these women who's only worry in life was whether their shoes looked right with their gown. Simple women, as she referred to them as, with simple problems...she continued on to say she always knew she was not one of them because there are simple women out there and then the other kind, ME she said. I could have been the one sitting there. I was the one sitting on a sofa not long ago, paging through a bridal magazine, not sure how I was feeling this time around, only it was my finance asking me the questions, as he could sense I wasn't quite myself.
I don't know the rules this time around. The first time, I knew all the etiquette, the latest trends and fashions, I made all the favors and planned down to a three page, single spaced check list for my personal attendant to go through as the wedding weekend played out. I can do what I am "suppose" to do. It's when there is nothing out there to follow, no rule or guidebook for me to read and take notes on.
As my finance has pointed out, there is not a rule book for life, Lisa. There never was and there never will be. There is no one to prove yourself to, no one to please, to follow orders from, to make your decisions for you. When you get engaged a second time in your life, a comment I never really knew if I'd have the chance to say, the thoughts and feelings were and are so wonderful, yet there is still a part of me that is scared. What if I mess it up again this time? What if he loves the idea of me, but when it comes down to living the rest of our lives together, I'm too much for him. I went from naive to overanalyitical, almost sceptical and keep flashing back to how things were before and what I should be doing differently now. It was all about the wedding last time, the show, the pleasing everyone, pulling it all off. But when I look back on it, how much of it was focused on the marriage. How much of it was focusing on the love and commitment, the mutual respect and trust in each other.
The time I spent reflecting and discussing my anxiety with a friend recently, helped me vocalize what I couldn't quite put my fingers on. As I told her, it's not that I don't want to marry him, or that I don't think he is the one; it's that I don't know what to do now, what to do next. I have heard so many caring people share their opinions of how long we should be engaged and opinions on how long we've know each other, people asking when the big date is and where it is going to take place. I told my finance, I don't want to do it wrong, I don't know when or where or how we are suppose to do this now. This was where he pointed out, it's all about the two of us now, what anyone else says shouldn't matter. Well, he added the four of us really, as the kids are a big part of it too. He is completely right. It is about the two of us being in love and deciding to make the commitment to spend the rest of our lives together. The wedding, no matter how big or small, what state or what building it takes place in is only about one thing and that's the two of us.
I have found someone who loves me for me. Completely, with out a shadow of a doubt in his mind. He pays amazingly good attention to me and can sense when I'm slightly off, only instead of ways of the past, he calls me on it and brings it out in the open. He has feelings, opinions, values, morals, hobbies and interests, everything I could have asked for and more. He loves children and is patient yet is not afraid to disciple and call it like it is. He is very straight forward and outright about his thoughts and views...yet will listen to yours as well. We are able to have discussions on all sorts of topics and yet not argue or fight if we don't see eye to eye on something. As a few of my friends have commented, I have found a male version of myself. Someone who plans and studies decisions, who has lots of energy and enthusiasm for life, someone who is optimistic and open about life.
Interestingly, recently, he commented on how we were raised in the opposite extremes when it comes to how we were to approach life. He was brought up, as his sisters were too he points out, that you don't need anyone else in this world. That you are fully capable of achieving anything you set your mind out too, extremely independent. I, on the other hand, was raised to be dependent on someone else all my life. As some know, my parents are still this way. He said that is probably why he was never married, he has opportunities too and relationships with great women, but he was never willing to settle. He said once he found me, after only a few weeks (almost non-stop weeks of talking and seeing each other that is) he knew.
I know what he was/is talking about. I knew too. He was unlike anyone else I have dated. Able to listen to me and actively converse with me about anything. We spent hours together, over 8 one time on a boat, just talking and talking like it had only been minutes. Time literally does go away when we are together. I have discovered a level of contentment I never knew was possible. I don't feel like I have to please him, or prove myself to him. He's made it clear not to buy gifts for him and I'm not putting him up on a pedestal like I have with other past relationships. This time it's natural and comfortable. I commented one weekend to him that it feels like we are on a honeymoon together, that I'm worried it's too good to be true, that I am going to have to wake up at some point here and go back to reality. His response was that there is no reason for us not to feel like this the rest of our lives. I don't recall anymore exactly, but it was something to the effect of each day of our lives together should and can feel like this.
I love watching his family, his parents, how they interact as a team. They don't agree or get along every moment, but by watching them, you can see how after 40 years, they still truly love each other. What a wonderful example they have set for him and his sisters. I realize now, from the past, that when you marry a man, you marry his family as well, and I have not a worry about this either.
I don't think I was having cold feet that first week after we got engaged, I think it was just shock, that this really is my life. This really is happening to me. I really am having another chance at a life with someone, only this time, hopefully so much wiser for the wear, a person who loves me for me and vice versa. It's not that I don't want to spend the rest of my life with him, I completely do. It's now how we mesh our independent homes/schedules/lives into one. Not a challenge I am afraid of at all, just it's simply change and as was stated at the start here, how we experience change, that's up to us.
