He'll break, open the sky to save, those who cry out his name...yes I woke up before noon, before my alarm this Saturday morning with the song playing through my mind. Once the dogs realized I was awake, they wanted to go outside, which was when I grabbed my laptop and headed back to bed, hoping to figure out the rest of the lyrics for the song.
Soon, I had my sketchbook too and began drawing. I was enjoying listening to music, drawing all from my cozy bed, in my flannel jammies, until reality hit...oh wait, it was my dog, vomiting just inches away from me...so much for staying in bed!
After cleaning up the mess and getting myself ready to face the day, I decided to head to my favorite picture window to enjoy the sunshine, my book and a long overdue favorite chocolate shop's Mocha. Finally, I was at a point where I could read, not just read but take in, process and relate what I was reading to my own life.
"Often, God allows us to undergo troubling circumstances so that we can see what is inside of us." and on page 164, "It's better to be honest and feel pain than to deny it and try to convince yourself that you are happy. Remember, your feelings are not the basis of truth. God's Word is our authority. What He says is true, whether we feel it or not. The more we understand God's Word and live by it, the more our feelings will reflect His character and love." page 165...The Search for Significance
The author is explaining that God created man/women with a sense of purpose after Satan convinced Adam and Eve to take a bite of that forbidden fruit, we began to look elsewhere for approval/self-esteem, we began to question and doubt why we were put here as well as believe we need to preform to gain approval for others. He continues on that Satan separated man from God. God later sent Jesus to take our punishment upon Himself and died on the cross to take away our sins. We now have to choice to believe Satan's lies or follow God and to be loved and accepted unconditionally.
"Realizing that your worth is not conditional will increasingly free you from the fears of failure and rejection and it will give you joy, thankfulness and a desire to honor the One who loves you so much." pg. 165.
The last part of the book explains how if we try, we are able to see that our life is affected by negative messages we tell ourselves. First we are reminded that it is important to identify how we are feeling, to pay attention to our emotions and talk about them. The author explains we believe situations create our emotions, but points our that what we really do is perceive a situation based on our past thoughts/experiences/beliefs. "The first step to freedom is recognizing that life is distorted by our expectations for what we are going to experience." pg 145. "Therefore, we have a great need to destroy the false beliefs and replace them with the truth that God has disclosed to us." It continues on to explain how our false beliefs can cause destructive thought, followed by destructive emotions leading often to destructive behavior.
Finally, I really liked the explanation that, "Self-worth, often called self-esteem or personal significance, is characterized by a quiet sense of self-respect and a feeling of satisfaction with who we are. True self-worth, unlike pride, is not based on an evaluation or our performance...A healthy self-concept is the recognition of one's value and worth: the understanding that as a unique human beign, one has certain gifts and abilities unlike anyone else and can contribute to the world in a special way." pg 163.
Now, to take what I read, notes I took and back to how this applies to my own life. I grew up with some religion in my home. We believed in God, went to church a few more times than just holidays. I made it through confirmation...that's another story...but really, I didn't ever talk to anyone about Satan..or this Holy Spirit. The book stated point blank that Satan is the one tempting us, causing us to feel low self-esteem. It was a different take than thinking there is something wrong with me, that I am messed up and the fact that over two million copies of this book have been sold, means there must be a few others too. Through the activity section in this book, reminding us that we can't just use a general statement like, "Trust God"...that we have to do some of the leg work ourselves, to look at why we are thinking the way we are and how we could be if we refocus our thoughts and beliefs.
Last night, I watched a movie, "The Hereafter" and I took away from it a few different things, one of them being that we are all given gifts. Many of us try to hide them, are scared of how others may view them or us, but often they can bring about good.
Today, I spent some time catching up with the owner of my favorite Chocolate Shop and gain more insight as I questioned her how she got from where I am in my place in life to where she is now. I have learned through past conversions that she went through some similar events in her life and now is happily married and doing something she loves, very successfully.
Without sharing all of her personal information, I learned that just as many of the Christian songs I listen to say, it's when you are down, when you think you can't take anymore, it's then, or soon after that things come together...you begin to understand, to see a plan that there is more out there, a brighter tomorrow, future or day. The answers don't come all at once, but they do come to you if you continue to learn, search, grow, listen and don't give up.
This past month, year, it's been filled with challenges but I am not giving up as I am making progress. Instead of facing my day with fear of what will happen with my ex husband, if my son will get to go to the rocket launch for his Cub Scouts like he wanted or be let down again...when he will be sentenced to jail for his latest OWI, for how long and how it will effect my children. Fear of his texts and how they will effect me today again. Somehow, as my good friend pointed out on Friday, I am allowing him to get to me again, to drag me down, which is just want he wants. She pointed out how well I had been doing and now. She was completely right. I was depressed, upset, feeling worthless at times and why? Why was I allowing his comments to control my joy?
That's just it. As another friend has said, my ex is Satan. He is pure evil. I don't want to admit it, but at times, unfortunately, many of his actions complement those described in the book I have been reading. It's a reminder today, that I am in charge of my thoughts, my beliefs, my emotions and how I view situations. I can take each situation and make it into a positive, if I am willing too.
Today, I was given an entire day to myself. Other than caring for the dogs a little bit, I had freedom to do as I pleased. I could take the texts I received from my ex this morning on dwell on them, let them ruin my day, or I could read them, no that they don't have anything in them I need to deal with and move on. Which is exactly what I did. I finally got out the sketch book that I have been carrying with me for the past two or three weeks hoping to get up the courage to open again. As the movie reminded me last night, we are all given gifts. I have been told I have a gift with art. But my worry of others approval, of my performance, all the things I was just told through the book today that Satan tries to tell you to get you to fear doing something....well, as the song that was playing in my head as I woke up this morning says, "But wait, everything can change, in a moments time, you don't have to be afraid, cause FEAR IS JUST A LIE, open up your eyes."
Fear...I have been fighting fear and anxiety all of my life. Fear is a lie...I have been fighting Satan, evil, a stronger battle that I had realized and I am gaining armor, God's unconditional love and acceptance. The kind I give to and receive from my children. My purpose, to share that unconditional love and joy...for my children to be able to have the tools to fight their fight as well.
As the song beings, "You fought, but you were just too weak, so you lost, all the things you tried to keep, now your on your knees, your on your knees....."
I was too weak alone...but through my battles, through my divorce, my anxieties, my search for meaning, for joy, for understanding of why things happen the way they do and to the people they do...why we are faced with cancer or deaths or loss...loss of friends, family, money, jobs, you are never have to be alone. God is right there waiting to break open the sky....(Thanks Tenth Avenue North)
