Perspective, perseverance, prayer...all things I have been reflecting on for the past three hours that I have been laying awake in my bed. One of the last things I asked my friend on the phone tonight, before we hung up to go to sleep, was a question I often ask myself, not coming up with an answer yet. As I lay in bed, on the wall nearest to me, is a sign, one that I was gifted as I was quickly achieving my title as District Manager in Arbonne last fall, "Believe in the Journey of Your Dreams" and on another place, I have the quote, "Live the Life You Imagined" which I read aloud to him. Then I asked him, "What is the life you imagined?" Not the question he probably expected on our evening goodnight phone call, but after two and a half months he knows I am full of unexpected, usually good I think. He explained a similar version of where he'd like to live someday, looking out on water, with a dog near by and a garden in the yard...a studio to work on his music...Of course he had to ask me the same, to which I said I don't know, which is why I asked him. I said when I was young, I wanted to become an author or an artist, I continued pointing out that I could kick myself for sitting around depressed about aspects of my life today instead of using the time at home to write or be daring and get out some art supplies...although I know it's not that easy. To create, whether through words, paint, charcoal pencils, or whathaveyou, you need to be inspired, motivated, excited about something.
Instead, I spent today spending too much time reflecting on why things happen as they do. Why, when one is filled with blessings, their mind focuses back on the few negatives in their life. I suppose, it is because we want to be in control of our lives and when there are crucial aspects we lose control over, we can't help but sink into a state of concern.
A week ago, was when I finally emailed, asking what I did not want to know, was the reason I did not receive child support the past two weeks because my ex had again lost his job. Ignorance is bliss, I have said and learned time and time again...hoping he had switched to a new job or something else had happened. Not only did I hear the news that he had a month ago, but separately from that received a message from my lawyer, unaware yet of the news, that I was to either agree that my ex gains supervised visits starting next (this) week with his mother as the supervisor, or we go back to court again. My stomach sunk, and I went to pick up my daughter and try to put on a positive face, as I was still trying to uphold from being around my son that morning at home. Soon, the lawyer was copied on the message that he had lost his job and my kids are again without insurance as well as I am without child support. As of tonight as I can't sleep, I have not heard back as to what happens next, as I stated I wanted to know WHY he lost his job before agreeing to anything else. Was it drugs/alcohol as it was the last time? If so I certainly hope they don't expect me to trust him with the kids again.
Persevere I did, as we had over 50 friends coming to our Patriotic Party this past Saturday evening. My kids were so excited to be having the party and I just kept praying there would not be rain, as I had forgot to mention a rain date on the invites.
It was a little over a month prior, that I was sharing with my new friend, about how I had thrown these family Patriotic Parties each year, from the year my daughter was born up until the divorce, which I had realized had been seven years ago now. After six years of hosting, I still had a Rubbermaid tote filled with decorations and decided, why not try it again, then my new friend could see what it was like. Earlier in the day, my mom had seen me a bit frazzled after mowing the lawn, setting up games and decorations and questioned why I do this to myself. I told her with a bit of anger at the time, because it's fun! Knowing how silly I probably sounded at the time, I later thought more about this and know the real answer is all the smiles on the faces of my kids, their friends and their parents faces. That is why I wanted to throw the party again.
We had no rain, a wonderful turn out and a great time, only I felt a little bad that my friend wasn't able to make it until the last part due work and his teenage daughter's new job, but he kindly helped me clean up everything outside and said how bad he felt after seeing all the pictures I had taken. I realize it wasn't his fault but still felt bad. That seems to be how I have felt since the end of the party, a bit down, depressed and stuck worried that the rest of this summer/year will turn out like last summer. Unable to afford gas to go places, not having enough money to pay the bills. How can one live the live of their dreams when they never dreamed their life would be like this.
Perspective. This morning when I woke up, I received an extremely caring text from my friend, stating "One month ago from today someone celebrated my birthday with me and for the first time the day started to feel special again. Oh, of course I denied it. I didn't want my hopes to get crushed again. But because of YOU, I felt special. Thank you so much again! I love you!"
I am loved. Not just by my two children who seem to see me in a different light, with more respect (especially from my soon to be teenage daughter), not just by my friends and family, but by a man who wants to share his life with me. He knows about the lawyer battles about the lack of funds in my checking account, but doesn't care and reminds me that he will be with me through these challenges and all the others life will throw in our way. When we walked around in the dark, cleaning up streamers, decorations, toys, he told me I was beautiful again and I just laughed at him, knowing how crazy exhausted I was, how tired and old I felt and he reminded me, beauty is not just on the outside Lisa, although yes, even exhausted you are beautiful to me.
It is hard to feel strong, sexy (ha)...attractive?, beautiful when you don't feel confident in life. I keep trying to tell myself this too shall pass, but I want to be in control, to know I can pay the bills, to know my kids will be okay, to know I am doing things right. I know to be loved, you need to first love yourself and I am having a harder time doing that right now, but hopefully I will figure out how. Apparently not at 4AM, but somehow my self-confidence will return. I hope.
I am blessed, I have my health (well as far as I know until my physical later this month, but lets stick with the ignorance is bliss a bit longer here), I am loved, I have a roof over my head, food to eat for now, a job I love, and deep down hope that things will be okay...I just have to remember that I am not in control, God is and I have to remember to keep my faith in his hands. Prayer. I must trust in my prayers, that these challenges too shall pass.
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