Two children asleep, two furry children hopefully settling down and Mom, breathing a sigh of relief that I made it through today. Last night I could not fall asleep, could not rest my racing mind and apparently could not stop searching online for motivation quotes on Pinterest and I went a bit overboard I discovered today. As I was hoping I could just hide under my covers all day and not deal with the fact it was Father's Day and my children do not currently have a father in their lives, I just wanted to fast forward to tomorrow and not have to worry about how they would deal with the emotions of the day, or my own emotions for that matter.
As they tend to say, things always look better in the morning. Especially when your children and even your puppy lets you sleep in a bit. We had plans for a late lunch with my own parents and I awoke to my son saying, "Happy Grandfather's Day! Or Happy Father's Day for Grandpa?..." Yes, I am so into celebrating holidays, celebrating whatever we can in life, that we could not just ignore the fact that today was Father's Day (nor would the media let us ignore it either). Amazingly the children didn't bring up their own Dad all day. Although, being the person I am, I was on edge and ready to help out with anything that came up. As some of you know, he lost all placement with the children mid-February this year, although he hadn't seen them prior to that since the July before (his own choice as he didn't want to have a supervisor during his visits as the court had ordered). Since the court ruled full placement to me, back in February, we had not heard a thing, for the last four months...other that a few old neighbors commenting on an ambulance making a couple stops to my old place where he still lives. Then, the last week of school for the kids, about two weeks ago, phone calls started coming in to my cell phone in the evening. The first night, he had left a message saying he was a couple months sober now, trying to find work and really just wanted to talk to his kids. The second call that evening, "I don't know what games you are playing..." and so on. I check in with the Case Study Worker to see how it works legally about the kids speaking with him. As I explained in my email, when he had been calling from the rehab center back in January, twice a week for awhile, he was making comments about seeing them and plans to see them as soon as he got out, which got my son's hopes up, only to have reality hit. Not only did he stop calling, he legally wasn't allowed to do all the things he was promising. SO, the Case Study worker explained that she didn't think we had mentioned phone calls in the order and thought I should use my best judgement as to what was best for the kids, also suggested to check with my lawyer for more help. Which I did..forwarding the response and my original message right on to him. I still haven't heard back.
The kids both made it through their last week of school...mixed emotions of wanting summer vacation to start, not wanted school to end as they would miss their friends and some of their teachers...change is hard, even when it involves a vacation around the corner. Not to mention, both of my children are moving on to different schools in our district next year. My daughter, hard as it is to believe, will be entering Middle School and my son the "Intermediate" Center. They both had wonderful report cards and made it through the week. Surprisingly, no class from their Dad that Friday night, as I had been guessing. It was the following Monday, fortunately, after I had spoken with both of my children separately, explaining that their Dad had called and wondering if they wanted to speak with him, with the understanding, no matter what he says, they won't be able to see him for awhile still. My son's response was no, that it's too hard to talk to daddy if I don't get to ever see him, it just upsets me. He went on to explain, it's like with my Aunt (who's in Texas), I don't want to talk to her because it makes me too sad that I can't see her and I miss her. He had a point, as he rarely speaks with her on the phone. So, onto my discussion with my daughter. She had a different response, wanting to talk to him, saying and I quote, "Yah, I'm mature and stuff mom, I know even if he says we will, we won't be seeing him" I had just missed his call and heard on the message he had left that his brother and his wife had their baby that day and he just wanted the kids to know...I didn't even listen to the rest, as my daughter was right there ready for me to call him back. She spoke for a bit, pretty much explaining about the rides she had went on at the local fair in town on the last day of school, saying how awesome her report card was, that she was a middle schooler now, telling him all about our new puppy we had got since they had last spoke and making sure her cat at his place was still alive. From what I heard, all he said was that, yes he still had the house but he didn't know how much longer and he was still trying to find a job. He wanted to talk to my son, but as he himself could hear on the speaker phone, my son kept saying no I don't want to. Finally he said okay, quickly, as he was also trying to play on the computer. He answered a couple quick questions and gave the phone back to his sister. That was about it and almost a week later now, no other calls have occurred. Being Father's Day today, I didn't know. But since the kids didn't say I thing, I did not either.
On top of the lovely stress of their dad's phone calls, the last week of school, their was also the lovely issue of the bank account, or the fact that their was no longer any money in it. As we faced the first weekend of summer I had a little over twenty dollars cash to my name and knew pay day was not until Friday. Yes, we spent a week, for the first time ever I think, not leaving the town we live in as my gas tank was just a line or two above empty and with gas prices about 4.00 a gallon, our money wasn't going to get us very far. Not to mention we need food to get us through the week too. I had mis-budgeted, payed a couple bills I shouldn't have and ran out of money. With no credit cards as back up anymore, we just "hung in there". We did pretty well the first couple days, going to the local free lake/park with friends instead of buying our annual pool pass for the town pool...we ate all our meals at home all week, and survived not having much variety. We even started playing more card and board games that we hadn't for awhile. I hadn't told the kids how little we had, just that money was tight until my paycheck came at the end of the week. It's amazing how easily you really can adapt if you need too. We spend $12 on gas, the rest on food and all I could say it that I have never been so excited to be able to gas up my minivan as I was Friday morning!
Trying to stay positive through this past week, I had been reading a book, "Start: Punching Fear in the Face..." which focused on taking control of your fears, worries and making your life an awesome one. As much as I enjoyed it, I also found myself putting extra pressure on myself, as to what I am suppose to create, make, sell, market, what awesome thing I should be doing on the side, during the summer, during my spare time to create my own business to support us and getting out of these rough times.
I did accomplish one of the goals, I began a new, more positive blog, as I had hoped this blog would be a motivational blog for other when I had started it, but instead found it to be a place to pour out my soul in words and hope that it will somehow make me feel a little better, or at least a little more human instead of keeping all my feelings in.
My new, separate blog, which I started on day 1 of the second half or this year and am currently on track, day 16, finding and typing about a joy in each day. My goal in the new Facebook page I created, "Creating Joy" is to help others find or create joy in their own lives. Then, I began a more local closed group on Facebook, for those I know though church, children or otherwise, can get together once a month to "Create Joy" together doing something fun, just for the joy of it...this month we are going to tour a local Winery. Next month, a concert in the city. Along with this my goal was to accompany this once a month fun event, with a "Laughter and Lattes" or drink of your choice, social and/or Bible Study time where women can get together and help each other find joy in the crazy chaos of our own lives. We had our first event in May and were suppose to have our second one last week, but without the money to gas up my minivan to get me to town, or buy my latte for that matter, or pay my daughter to babysit my son...well, I didn't explain why sadly, but canceled and apologized. I felt trapped as I didn't want to share our situation at the time.
SO, onto tomorrow, literally, in five minutes. I have made it through another challenging holiday as a single mom with no dad currently in the picture. I am onto more research as to what it is I am suppose to do next, continue my blog, taking care of my children (furry and real...on that note, our puppy turns four months on Wednesday and graduated from her puppy class on Saturday!)....this week carting them to the rec. departments cheer leading, gymnastics, coach pitch for my son and our church's basketball camp. Never a dull moment here...but then again, I wouldn't want it any other way. I am blessed to have them in my life and to have the work schedule to be able to spend the summer months with them.
Oh, if you want to read my additional blog, the link is...http://joydaybyday.blogspot.com/2013/06/day-16-my-son-and-his-grandparents-joy.html?spref=fb
