Life is challenging, I get that. Each day is a new battle, there will always be new obstacles, God never gives you more than you can handle. I have quote after pinterested quote out there. Tonight, while trying to cheer myself up, I came across, "Be Brave and Keep Going", "Hold On God Knows What He's Doing" and "Hey, Hang in there. I'm coming. -God"
How do you hang in there when you don't have the energy left to do so. When you are checking online to see if your ex-husband, the father of your two kids has been arrested again or wondering how or who will be telling you he has died. That's how I'm living right now.
After two months of no child support, a deposit appeared in my checking account at the end of last week, so apparently he is or was alive and working. We had our next court date next month, but after seeing online tonight that it is no longer there, that concerns me as well.
The last time we were in court, earlier this month, our lawyers spoke in what was suppose to be a private conference room before we went in front of the judge. Well, yes it was the two of them, but even with the door shut, I was able to hear everything they were saying from where I sat in the hall. Hearing my ex-husbands lawyer say, "I'm not saying he's using again, but he's not doing well." Then continuing on, "We don't want him to lose this job now, as your client won't receive any child support then..." Not the words you want to be hearing. Then seeing him in such bad shape, when I actually saw him in the court room. All the items that were suppose to be brought up, which he was in contempt for, pretty much were given one more date to turn things in by, a date which has passed for a few of them, yet I am afraid to call my lawyer, as I am so in debt from his bills already...
This past weekend was Homecoming for my children. They had a great time dressing up in the school colors, going to the parade and attending most of the game. Yet I didn't dare say to them, at this same time, was also my Homecoming, which I was not attending, our 20th Class Reunion followed that I also did not leave my kids to attend. The invites, were all done via Facebook, not to mention all the pictures that were posted after it occurred. I don't know if it was not wanting to explain where I was in my life, or that my ex-husband's counselor, or so he is saying, was in my graduating class and was there, or the fact that I don't look like I did back then. Graduating under 110 pounds, tennis team captain, I am not today.
Wait, speaking of wait, I didn't blog since my birthday now did I, yes the week before was the last time I was in the court house and that very same challenging day, my mother explained on the phone to me that she and my dad felt my birthday money they would be giving me really should go toward Weight Watchers, as I am so unhealthy and overweight and need to get some help...she went on, I will spare you. I finally said in disgust, "Well, my physical is coming up in a couple weeks and maybe I'll find out that the cancer cells didn't go away and I'll just die of cancer then!"
My physical, yes I survived that too, since I've blogged. I did weight a little more than last year, but my doctor said she wasn't concerned about that, she pointed out my blood pressure 150/92, that she was concerned about and ordered a bunch of blood tests to be done. With my (sarcastic voice interested here) LOVE of needles, well, that wasn't my day. On a positive note, I did get the results back that all of my levels, for everything they tested, were in the normal range. Also, the low-grade cancer cells no longer appeared from that test either.
So the week before my birthday I was actually reading a book on running, as I have so many friends that are great runners (is that a term?) and I know I could use fresh air, exercise, etc. So I started running/walking and also, did sign up at Weight Watchers (have lost 2 pounds each of the last two weeks). Is it cheering me up though, nope.
My doctor also asked if I have been speaking with anyone to deal with all of my stress. Nope, haven't had time for that with the start of teaching again, the kids starting up school, flag-football, jazz dancing, leading my daughter's Girl Scouts and leading my son's Cub Scouts. I barely have time to do the laundry let alone talk about my feelings. Oh wait, for any of you concerned out there, I am doing laundry, the kids are not going to school in dirty clothes...well really I don't want to talk about my feelings, because when I do, like in the doctors office I break down crying.
It goes like this..."So work is going well..." "Yes, I have a great group at preschool, I'm back to running the Birth-Three Ministry again..." "Oh, that is perfect for you!"..."Yeah, I have my kids 24/7 now..." "Yes, well that's a good thing." "I guess, I mean I love them and I am glad they are safe and all but the reality of non-stop, no more breaks, no more chances to date, to ever meet anyone...plus he's not doing well, I mean it sounds like he's using drugs again and I can't, in over the 20 years I have known him, ever have known him to be sober a month, I can't imagine 12 months...he's never going to have placement again...I don't think he's going to live much longer..."
Her response was, "So what. He dies. Is that the worst thing in the world? You can't control that and worrying about when it will happen isn't good for you." True. I have been thinking a great deal about that lately. I am not suppose to worry about when he is going to die...if he dies, I have to tell the kids, I'll have to be strong for them and help them through an awful thing. Yet again, right now, having a Dad they don't see and don't know is using drugs and is an alcoholic, I guess that's not a great thing either. I went from having harassing texts, and him making awful comment to my kids, which at time were repeated to me, having to worry about their safety, what bar they were at, what ex-cons were at the house while my kids were there...to worrying about having to tell the kids their dad is dead. The thing is...I don't know when that day will be. I just can't imagine living the life I discovered from the Case Study Report, that he was/is living, how much longer can a person's body handle all of that? I don't want him to die, but I don't want my kids to ever have to go back to the situation they were in either.
This past weekend was not only the 20th class reunion, it was also five years ago from when I filed the divorce papers. As I told the pastor I was speaking with earlier today...I can't believe it's been five years...that studies show a high number of people who are divorced are remarried within the first 3-5 years after their divorce. Well, I'm not one of those statistics, am I. But, I pointed out to him, technically it was just 3 years ago in May that it was finalized, so perhaps I still have 2 years left. He gave me that look and reminded me not to believe in statics like that. I went on though, pointing out once again, that it's been over a year since I went on a date and I can't imagine how on earth I am going to meet someone now in life...that I have been trying to have faith that God will bring the right person into my life...but then again I also realize I haven't been really in a "good place" emotionally to be able to start a relationship. Having to deal with an ex going to jail, both of my dogs dying, my ex-losing his job (which if he hadn't found a new one, without child support, we could not afford this home anymore)...to another case study report, more court dates, a tree landing on our house...really, this year has been a bit too much for my patience. So no, I haven't been in a very "good place" I suppose you would say.
I realized it must be bad if I can't even get myself to blog anymore. Something about not feeling like I can't handle it all anymore, I just don't want to let on to the world. I am suppose to be able to take anything, after the past five years I've lived through, right? My pastor pointed out, really? Really? Do you think you are so much better than everyone else that you won't get exhausted by your life? That you can keep up at your pace and not get worn down? Okay, stubbornly I admit, I suppose I am human. But as I pointed out, fall is my favorite time of year, I have my kids and should be able to enjoy this all right now...but as he also pointed out, I don't "have" to feel a certain way, to be happy and positive all the time. I am human and can be depressed or sad...although somewhere in life I have been convinced there is something wrong with me if I feel this way.
So I do realized I have a roof over my head, food to eat in my kitchen, two amazing and healthy children asleep down the hall, apparently my own health and I realize I really should be grateful, I mean I am extremely grateful for all of this, but I guess I'm just tired out from hanging in there...waiting for what will happen next and not knowing how secure my tomorrow is. With a close friend of mine going back to teaching this year, I feel like I've let my parents down, that I am not also back in the classroom, using my college degree and working full time, but honestly, I don't know where I would get the energy for that. Maybe my parents think if I looked like I did before having my children, if I lost all sorts of weight I'd be happy, or find a new husband...but I just don't see that happening either.
I am feeling like this post is getting even more depressing, which I apologize for, as it's not the type of post that I like to share. Hopefully my next one will have a happier ring to it.
