Good things come to those who believe, better things come to those who are patient and the best things come to those who don't give up.
Here I sit, a year older and one can only hope wiser, as I pick out a quote from my Creating Joy posts to share to reflect the past year of my life. I am in a different house, but now it is feeling more like home. I have a new puppy and a new kitten in my life and each day appreciate the unconditional love they bring to my children as well as myself. I have less in my bank account than ever before, but have a new appreciation that I could only feel if I lived the life I have lived this past year. I have an uncertain future, but still have faith that things will continue to get better.
I am able to honestly say I am not the person I was a year ago, and would hardly recognize the person I was 6 years ago when the journey into Divorceland began. I could never have imagined, and those who know me, know my vivid imagination, that my life would take all the twists and turns it has, but it is through these struggles that I have grown. I no longer look for a man to complete me, to provide for our family, to determine my self-esteem...I don't ask others to help me make my decisions, but have confidence in myself, value who I have become am proud of how I am living my life as an example of not giving up to my children.
I have found the ability to self talk myself out of those "negative voices" that still pop up from my past and all though I can't always get them to go away on my own, I now have resources to go to, my journal, friends, exercise...to work through them.
I proved to myself yesterday, literally, that I am able to talk to parts of my past as my past and can separate that from who I am today. Yesterday, as I knew was unavoidable in a smaller village, I faced my ex's neighbors, and former best friend. The man and his now wife, who stood by his side during everything, who introduced him to the women he cheated on me with during our marriage, the man who drove up with my ex while we had exchanges of children for placement at the police station, the women who was, a few years was telling me the awful conditions at my old home where my kids would stay when with their father, yet not share this with police or lawyers to help me at the time.
I didn't shake, break out into a sweat, bring a friend for support, I arrived, and calmly spoke, as if we were simply parents with boys on the same flag football team. As I mentioned, I have changed. As my daughter had stayed home and my son was on the field playing most of the game, I knew it was inevitable for us to talk. I knew, from speaking with my former next-door neighbors, that recently moved out of the old neighborhood, that they were no longer close with my ex and both were convinced he was not well. After hearing a week ago about a situation my ex was in back in July, which explained the jail time and Disorderly Conduct charge, I found out yesterday that it was indeed the reason why they were no longer speaking/friends. As he was now threatening their life as he had done with mine in the past. He had been on binges on and off since I last heard about him in February, has not worked and when had interviews set up, he got drunk that day and didn't attend them. His old friend shared how he is almost twice the size he use to be in weight, that I would hardly recognize him and even when he is not drunk, he doesn't talk to you, it's like he's not there...they say he goes in spurts of taking his medicine and his mom calls them, across the street weekly to check in/on him as she lives in a different town. His friend shared that he now realizes he never really knew who his best friend was and discovered his had lied about so much...even to the point when we were talking he shared that my ex smokes now and always swore to him that he'd never smoke, putting down him for it. I looked at him funny and said he smoke for years, use to hide it from me in college, but would collect those 'Camel dollars' and get items for his dorm or apartment. Once again his old friend and wife looked at each other in disbelief. The two of them had said, the exact thing that I heard my ex's sister share back in December when she had called me, he can't live alone and separate from the drinking/drug use, he is just not mentally stable. Trying to diagnose him from mental health classes she had been taking earning her nursing degree, she said she is convinced he has more than just bi-polar disorder, which I have been told before too...all I can say is once I got home with my son, made sure he had a snack/drink, I got my puppy (well, now 6 month old, but I'm still calling her a puppy) and went out for a good power walk to try and process all that was racing through my mind. They had told me, based on the last few toxicology reports they have him dead in less than a year if he keeps up as he has been...how do you listen to someone tell you this about the man you use to love, who you spent over 15 years of your life with? The father of your children...even if he hasn't acted like one for years now. She had made the comment that he is almost like the man in the movie, "A Beautiful Mind", which I agreed, he was so smart, so intelligent when he used it the right way.
I told the two of them I just pray for him as I don't know what else to do. After hearing about the situation where he was shaking and sweating uncontrollably, walking into a neighbor's house uninvited asking for a drink...hearing the local stores and bars will no longer sell him alcohol, which explains why he was seen driving to the edge of the town I live in to purchase it...to hear his only friend his had left is no longer in his life. What do you do?
I kept telling myself, he is no longer my problem, my worry, that I tried to save him and there is nothing more I can do but keep our kids safe, loved and pray that he finds a way out of this, yet I don't see how that can or will happen anymore. I walk faster and focus on that furry face smiling up at me at the other end of the leash and try and refocus on where I am now and that I am no longer in that world.
The world I am in now is still in the hope, believe that things will get better and be grateful each day when they do. We have our old house, that the day the bank called to say we will have to start the foreclosure process, I hear a third offer has come in (the last two both fell through far through the process)...and still has a closing date, is now next month instead of next week. Until this is done I can't get the credit card companies to stop calling as I can't come up with a consolidation plan until the house is out of my name and I don't have to pay bill on it as well as here. This will be one step closer to things getting better.
I have, in addition to my current full time job I enjoy at church, taken on tutoring as well as the start of a side business. I have a few friends that have found great success with the Arbonne health and wellness home business. After doing much more research, I discovered I can start my own without having to keep inventory or invest any more than I already have by being a wholesale buyer for the last four years. I began the last week and a half of August and already have found success, being in qualification for District Manager by the end of that month. I am already half way to my goal for this month and it's only the 8th of September. My parents, who those who know me, know how they are skeptical and over analyze everything, searched and researched and think this may actually be an option that may work to provide additional income for the kids and I. I am taking the attitude that anything can help at this point, I am staying optimistic with the attitude that I will give it a year of my energy and see what happens. I am learning already what a great personal growth company it is and I for one, could still use more of that. I have already have two wonderful friends on my team and it appears to be growing this month as well. I am excited to be able to put positive energy toward hope in something instead of fear towards the future.
I am also so proud of my children, as they adjusted so well to the start of Middle School and third grade. Over the past week or so, I have received complements from a couple different people about how kind, happy, how wonderful they are, which when you are parenting on your own, sometime you have to wonder if you are really doing what's best...at least you know you are doing the best you can and hope for the best.
For the upcoming year, I am facing it with a different level of hope, patience and calm that I am still taking things day by day, but our "new" family (a new kitten entered our world last month as well...as the kid know a pair of any animal is my limit...so yes some day when finances are better as well as being out of the puppy phase a new puppy may pass our way too)...our new family and new home, with great supportive friends and parents that are 'learning' some forms of boundaries...we are ok and the year ahead will be okay. I have faced many things this past year, I didn't know how I would get through, and while a little more slow to trust the future, I do have faith that things are going to be okay. That things are okay and as my quote began, with time and patients things will continue to get better.
