"Even in the midst of personal failure the one who has been saved knows that he or she is still precious in the eyes of God"...pg 32 A Glimpse of Jesus
I was going to begin with this entry, as over the past few days, part of me has felt as though I have failed in some way. I once again was not able to sustain a relationship with a man. I tried to rationalize that it was for the best...he not having a job currently and my salary not enough to support us both; he having a different take on Christianity and healing, not understanding how I can't just hand over all my worries and just trust God to take care of everything; and his comments about regarding no longer drinking, waiting until marriage to have sex and many other attitudes he claimed to now have as a born again Christian this spring, don't always follow along with the actions he takes. Meeting his family and explained more about why he is who he is, but in the past week...as well as the last week we were together and for the first time in our new couple bliss, we faced challenges. Apparently his take on them is to fold up and call it quits.
As I was reading, searching for answers, I also found myself not wanting to feel alone for the first Wednesday night in the past almost two months, so I turned on TV in the background for company. Eat, Pray and Love was on and a majority of the time I could focus on what I was reading, but a few lines were apparently there for me to take in tonight...
"big deal, so you feel for someone...if you could clear that space in your mind, the energy towards that man and your failed marriage, you know what would happen; God would rush in and fill you with more love than you'd know what to do with" Eat Pray Love (the movie)
From this line I continued reading my newly checked out book, as if it was calling out to me...LISA: "Unhealthy guilt is self-centered, it stirs our emotions to church in self-destructive ways, leads to depression and despair, closes us in upon ourselves and preempts the presence of a compassionate God. -pg 19
Guilt would be a primary emotion in my body the past few days. The guilt of getting involved again, being blinded somehow by what I thought was a great thing. The guilt of involving my children, as I have not yet told them that we will no longer see him and his kids, but my daughter has asked a few times when; I simply respond I'm not sure and then the guilt thickens inside of me. I hadnt' intended to get them so involved. It has been happening so naturally. Apparently I should have been more guarded or something. I knew it had been a stressful week, with my work and his interviewing and not receiving work. But never did I think one day after he and his kids left with hugs goodbye until later, that he would call the next day and say it was all over. He exact words, "I've given this a lot of thought and I can't be in a relationship with someone else until my divorce is over."
I was in shock at first, not ever expecting that or prepared to speak after hearing it. Finally, I spoke, questioning, asking what he was saying? That he didn't want to date me anyone? Hadn't he just said he loved me for the first time a week ago, talking about our future, making all sorts of plans, why this weekend we were suppose to go to Milwaukee for a Brewers game, which he had already purchased the tickets and I the hotel room. He said, I just told you Lisa, I am still married in the eyes of God and until my divorce is over (about less than a month now), I decided I can not share feelings/be involved in a loving relationship. So, you are saying it's just over? We discussed this on our first date, as I had waited until my divorce was done to begin dating as well as other times and he had no concerns or second thoughts about it. There had to be something else, as I said to him and he just got frustrated that I didn't understand. He said he still wants the kids to be friends and play together but for us to no longer date or be in a relationship. As I explained to him, I didn't see how on earth that could possibly work. My children and I would think his too, are too smart and will know that something is not right. They have spoke of/joked about being brothers and sisters some day, he laughed and smiled right along when they did. I said I just didn't understand how that could be good for any of us.
I asked him what am I suppose to tell people, what is he going to say and his response was that he is not accountable to anyone. He is a grown man and can make is own choices and doesn't need to defend them to a soul. I said, really? When my friends, my parents, when people ask why we are no longer together I should just say, because his divorce isn't finalized yet. He said say whatever you want, but yes that is what I've been saying Lisa. I was in shock and crying at this point and he said he had to go.
That was Sunday night, about 10/10:30. I have not heard a thing from him since. He removed me as a friend from Facebook and it apparently is all over. Door slammed in my face and goodbye I guess. As I go back and forth whether Facebook is a good thing or not, I do feel it's the easiest and least painful way of having to share news like this with lots of friends at once. Fortunately, I'm blessed with many friends with kind words and suggestions to wait to talk to my kids about it until a little time has passed.
During the conclusion of the movie Eat, Pray and Love, the main charter states:
...if you set out on a truth seeking journey, externally or internally and if you are truly to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue; and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher; and if you are prepared, most of all to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself, then the truth will not be withheld from you.
I am still to fresh into this happening to decide what clue is has, what lesson is has for me on my journey, but I do know a few things. First, to wait longer into and through the bliss part of a new relationship to introduce my children to the man. Secondly, that after the end of my engagement in December, some form of love did find me again, therefore I can't allow myself to feel to hopeless that this was it, my last chance. Thirdly, I can't blame God, as I began too Sunday night, for what happened. It was my first relationship with a man who openly called himself a Christian and somehow I thought this was God's doing. Maybe it was in someways as it got me back to searching for knowledge and back onto a quest for understand religion again. I just told him, on the phone Sunday night, that he sure didnt' help at all in strengthening my faith in people or God...that they had both let me down.
I now know, it was said out of anger, and that God does not try to hurt us or test our faith in him. I know I was putting my own lack of faith for him not taking care of me when really he was. He was saving me from even more pain down the road if I would have stayed with him. He was showing love towards me through the kind words, support and love from friends. He is still there, with open arms, if I am willing to accept them and understand that his love is unconditional. It's not a matter of sinning, or doing right or wrong in his eyes. Like I say to my children, I may not love what you are doing, but I still love you.
As the rainy Wednesday evening began, the same as my first date of this past relationship began...and after not spending one Wednesday night apart from him in the past, almost two months. I did pretty well refocusing tonight on what I needed too. What really counts. Going back to focusing on the relationship I have with God, focusing on self love...not beating up on myself for messing things up somehow once again. As much as I did not want to be alone tonight, I do believe it was for the best.
