Wow, what a week it has been. Off of work due to sick kids and when they were with their Dad, Wednesday night, I went in and found out they are cutting one of my positions at work, 10 hours of my current 37, no longer allowing me to get my health care/benefits as of May.
After dropping off my crying, ill daughter and my recovering son at their dad's this evening I kept driving. I wasn't sure where I was going at first, I just knew I wasn't ready to go home. It's very difficult to leave your kids for a weekend when they are sick. When you want to cuddle, care for and just be there for them but you can't, it's not easy. I was also a bit tired out from doing nothing but that for the past four days. I needed a break from being at home, from thinking about life and I headed into Madison for a movie. I had a free ticket to use and now was the time to do it.
I decided to go with the most recent romantic comedy, "No Strings Attached" as it was getting great reviews...best date movie of the year and the modern version of When Harry Met Sally...wait a minute, how could I be old enough for that movie to need or have a modern version!
The movie was good, entertaining and I was enjoying it, laughing out loud with the rest of the people in the theatre, until it starting hitting a nerve I wasn't prepared for tonight. When the leading man asked the leading women out on a 'true date' as they phrased it, my heart began to sink...when would I get to go on a true date again...and then she questioned, THIS FRIDAY? Valentine's Day?...it hit me. Valentine's Day really is right around the corner. I am single, dateless, not even on match.com or looking. I too could understand why the leading lady was resistant on having a relationship on the fear of feeling that pain when or if it ends. I am tired of feeling that pain. I am tired of getting my hopes up that this date will be 'the one', of waiting for phone calls or text messages. I am tired of opening up and sharing my feelings, my life, caring, giving and not receiving. I am tired of worrying if or when will I meet this man I am truly meant to be with. I am tired of worrying what others are thinking of me, not being remarried, engaged or dating someone, as if that means there is something wrong with me. I am tired of feeling bad that there is not a fourth person seated at our breakfast or dinner table, that my kids don't have an example of parents caring/loving each other to show them how a marriage can work. I feel bad that I don't have a husband at the soccer or basketball games cheering on the kids with me. I feel that I am letting them down in someway.
So I am done searching. I am done looking around every bookstore or coffee shop, done looking on match or anywhere else. Ok, fine I am not ignoring men around me, just no longer searching or obsessing about it. I don't like the person I was becoming. I want a person to meet me, get to know me and love me for me...my creativity, quirks, faith, celebrations of holidays and life...love me for me. I want someone who will hang in there in good times and bad. Who truly wants to make a relationship work, to be in my life, my kids life, for the long haul. I realize I have baggage, don't we all? I want to learn from them, teach them and grow together. Am I asking for too much?
Well, I am not as at peace and content as I was the last time I blogged, but I am still keeping my faith. I am praying to God, remembering that he has a plan for my life, one that I don't understand all of at this point, but I know that I am in a better place than I was a few years ago, so just imagine where I can be in a few years from now. I am trying to stay calm and remember to trust in him, for healing my kids, helping me figure out what is next for me in my work, and for him to bring to me the one I am truly to be with, when it's the right time.
