Barefoot on the capitol lawn, hundreds or rather thousands of people surround me while a live orchestra performs in front of me. Attending the Concerts o n the Square alone is definitely something I never dreamed I would do on my own, yet here I am, seated among thousands of people and yet alone.
Apparently I am rather self-sufficient, as I made it here, found dinner to bring with and a space right in front of the concert on the lawn, which may I add is extremely easy when you are a party of one.
Lawn chairs, blankets, small tables, picnics and wine baskets surround me as the orchestra conductor announces there will be a short intermission before continuing the second half of our music focusing on summer romance.
Imagine that, I attend the concert that just happens to be themed on summer romance, yet I am alone. I was just sharing with a friend, a few days ago, how I have not attended the concerts since I was pregnant with my daughter and would not imagine ever going back without a date. He questioned me, once again, why I feel I need someone else with me to attend, to do things that I want to do, why do I feel I need to put my life on hold until I find that someone I may or may not ever find. He reminded me that Lisa, you are a self-sufficient women, you can go anywhere or do anything you want to on your own. You don't need anyone to take you places, to take care of you, you are perfectly capable of enjoying and living your life on your now.
I argued, of course, that I want someone there with me, to create memories, to enjoy things with me. His response was that it's find to want things, but that I confuse want with need. You don't NEED someone else to go with, to make you happy. In fact, if you keep up that attitude, that you need someone, you'll only continue to attract men that see that weakness/insecurity and will take advantage of it. I know, I told him. We've went through this before, but I don't want to go through life alone.
So here I sit, living my life, alone tonight as I may be. I am making progress at this working on me though. I have made it to the gym five or of seven days for the last three weeks now. I am becoming better and not caring if others see me or how I look in my workout clothes, even if it's not how I wish I looked. I can feel myself making progress and I am eating much better-recording every food and beverage I consume plus I am getting more sleep. I am talking much better care of myself, which is step in the right direction.
My kids are adjusting to the addition of trips to the gym for Mom, as I explain it's making Mom healthy and to my 8 year old, I remind her of all the trips to gymnastics, dance, etc. that I have made without complaining. I think I am setting a good example for them of how important it is for Mom to take care of herself too.
As I wrote the words, setting a good example, I am reminded of another point I was arguing that is still spinning around in my mind. My friend was questioning the rush, why the urgency of finding a man to marry? I explained out of nowhere, that I need to find him so that my kids have a good male role model in their lives, as they are growing up so fast. He pointed out again, you don't need a guy for that! The kids have a wonderful mother taking care of them they don't need anything you can't provide them. I said I feel like I have failed that, not allowing them to have a home with a mom and dad. He pointed out again, that it's just me believing in the fairytale again and wanting them to also believe in the fairytale. He explained that it's better that you are teaching them to be true to themselves and to take care of themselves. That it is important to make sure you are happy.
On this point I got stuck, as my parents are as completely together of a couple as you can jet, did not teach me any of that. They showed me how important it was to find that person that takes care of you. Perhaps he has something there. That waiting to find a guy/man that truly makes me happy as well as showing them how you can be independent and happy on your own, two good examples I suppose I am setting for the kids.
I am definitely not the person I was the last time I sat on this lawn, with my in-laws and ex-husband. I can honestly say I am a much better person. Healthier, stronger, more secure, more independent, more secure, more independent, more confident that I was back then. I have always read books on happiness and finding joy. The books I read back then couldn't get me to where I am now, or perhaps they did and in my learning a little. It's all about finding a content place inside of yourself, that I was no where near when my focus was on making sure my ex or anyone else in my life was happy. I was wrapped up into pleasing everyone else, making sure everyone else approved of what I did or liked what I did or make or bought, it was all about seeking approval form others. I have looked to others for my happiness all my life. Even as a child, I would try so hard to achieve my parents and grandparents approval and it hasn't gone away. I have worked on becoming more aware of it and working on decreasing it. I have been so lost in fixing things and finding the right things I was suppose to do that I was missing out on my own personal joy.
