This afternoon I was seated with a new magazine entitled, flow Celebrating Creativity, Imperfection, and Life's Little Pleasures. That title pretty much sums up what I have been focusing on in my life. Going with the flow, living perfectly imperfect, making time to focus on my soul and how to create and be creative in my life; to live and smile regardless of circumstances.
Last Weekend, my goal was to post one last entry on my blog as I transition from my 30s to becoming 40. It hit me a bit harder than I thought it would...over-reflective on my past and current life. On my ride into work this morning, I smiled as I past a road that up until this past weekend, I never traveled on before. Now, a feeling of warmth, of love, filled me up inside, as I gazed out over the rolling green lush hills of the southern Wisconsin countryside.
Tomorrow, I will have been dating my "Bo" as someone spoke of him this week, for five months. As a birthday gift, this past weekend, he took me away for a night to a charming bed and breakfast on 92 acres of Wisconsin Countryside. It was the best 24 hour gift I could have ever asked for, as it provided us time away from life, together. After watching deer, wild birds and the end of the morning clouds roll away, we finished our organic pumpkin muffins and set out to hike on the trails, the first taking us down to a beautiful creek. Exploring the mid-September beauty of wild flowers, fresh deer tracks, Monarch butterflies and a few falling leaves among the scattered acorn's, it was just what my soul needed. Fresh air, being out in nature and to be able to enjoy it all with someone I love.
As I dove past that road this morning, it hit me, what day it was that we went away...the 13th of September. I then realized it was the first year I wasn't dwelling on the date, as it was 7 years ago on September 13th that our divorce papers were filed. Each year since, I have spend time focusing on that day, remembering it all in my head and wondering how it all got to that point. I was proud of myself today, as I have finally come to a point in my life where I didn't spend the day dwelling in the past. I am actually living in the present. I am so glad, proud, amazed, that this day has finally come. I have actually found someone who loves me for me, all of my quick, flaws, challenges of my past...he sees them and still chooses to love all of me, all that my life entails. He has found a way to get me to open up about my feelings, my worries, my thoughts that I try so hard to keep hidden from others, and wants to help me work through them, together.
Last night, as I attended the first of the new fall Life Group Sessions through his church, the host was reading through a intro for the year, some thoughts for us to refocus on as we enter a new time together to go through thoughts on the new series being preached on...it was during this time that something stuck, as I call it. He mentioned how it was important to care for our soul. How important it is to find/make time focusing on our soul and the relationship we have with God. Those words, the idea of tending to our soul, has been exactly what I have been working on since the first month of Soul School came out as an on-line class through The Brave Girls Club this summer. Making an art journal, which I had not known that art journals existed, let alone how well it would apply to my life, as well as creating truth cards to keep tucked in places where we can daily be reminded to refocus on what matters amongst the chaos of life. It was the concept of a truth card, as small note to remind us that we are human, we are imperfect and that we keep going anyway, is what matters...truth cards are what I created for close friends along with decorative wine glasses stating to Smile Beautiful Soul, for some close friends as we celebrated 40 years of smiling.
I feel inspired again to create, to write, to plan and the next step will be to dream into the future. But for today, I am staying in the present. My goal at the start of 2014, was to focus on the present and as of today, a week shy of the first day of autumn, I can finally say I have met that goal. Troubles, challenges, they have not left my life...as I am continuing on my second month without a penny of child support...and my children have begun two hour supervised visits with their father. Bills are piling up again and money is crazy tight, but instead of stressing about what I can not control in the present moment, things I can not change on my own, I am finally, at this moment on a sunny Wednesday, able to finally feel joy, love and hope regardless of it all I am blessed, loved, human with human challenges, but gaining a new sens of confidence to face the days ahead. I have grown and learned so much these past seven years. Much more than I could have ever imagined or desired too. I am 40 now, raising two amazing children, encompassed by the love and support of amazing friends, with the love of a man who truly know how to care about another and learning each day, even more about caring for my own soul. I am in a good place, not without challenges debt, pain and suffering, but inspire of it all.
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
Perspective, Perseverance, Prayer
Perspective, perseverance, prayer...all things I have been reflecting on for the past three hours that I have been laying awake in my bed. One of the last things I asked my friend on the phone tonight, before we hung up to go to sleep, was a question I often ask myself, not coming up with an answer yet. As I lay in bed, on the wall nearest to me, is a sign, one that I was gifted as I was quickly achieving my title as District Manager in Arbonne last fall, "Believe in the Journey of Your Dreams" and on another place, I have the quote, "Live the Life You Imagined" which I read aloud to him. Then I asked him, "What is the life you imagined?" Not the question he probably expected on our evening goodnight phone call, but after two and a half months he knows I am full of unexpected, usually good I think. He explained a similar version of where he'd like to live someday, looking out on water, with a dog near by and a garden in the yard...a studio to work on his music...Of course he had to ask me the same, to which I said I don't know, which is why I asked him. I said when I was young, I wanted to become an author or an artist, I continued pointing out that I could kick myself for sitting around depressed about aspects of my life today instead of using the time at home to write or be daring and get out some art supplies...although I know it's not that easy. To create, whether through words, paint, charcoal pencils, or whathaveyou, you need to be inspired, motivated, excited about something.
Instead, I spent today spending too much time reflecting on why things happen as they do. Why, when one is filled with blessings, their mind focuses back on the few negatives in their life. I suppose, it is because we want to be in control of our lives and when there are crucial aspects we lose control over, we can't help but sink into a state of concern.
A week ago, was when I finally emailed, asking what I did not want to know, was the reason I did not receive child support the past two weeks because my ex had again lost his job. Ignorance is bliss, I have said and learned time and time again...hoping he had switched to a new job or something else had happened. Not only did I hear the news that he had a month ago, but separately from that received a message from my lawyer, unaware yet of the news, that I was to either agree that my ex gains supervised visits starting next (this) week with his mother as the supervisor, or we go back to court again. My stomach sunk, and I went to pick up my daughter and try to put on a positive face, as I was still trying to uphold from being around my son that morning at home. Soon, the lawyer was copied on the message that he had lost his job and my kids are again without insurance as well as I am without child support. As of tonight as I can't sleep, I have not heard back as to what happens next, as I stated I wanted to know WHY he lost his job before agreeing to anything else. Was it drugs/alcohol as it was the last time? If so I certainly hope they don't expect me to trust him with the kids again.
Persevere I did, as we had over 50 friends coming to our Patriotic Party this past Saturday evening. My kids were so excited to be having the party and I just kept praying there would not be rain, as I had forgot to mention a rain date on the invites.
It was a little over a month prior, that I was sharing with my new friend, about how I had thrown these family Patriotic Parties each year, from the year my daughter was born up until the divorce, which I had realized had been seven years ago now. After six years of hosting, I still had a Rubbermaid tote filled with decorations and decided, why not try it again, then my new friend could see what it was like. Earlier in the day, my mom had seen me a bit frazzled after mowing the lawn, setting up games and decorations and questioned why I do this to myself. I told her with a bit of anger at the time, because it's fun! Knowing how silly I probably sounded at the time, I later thought more about this and know the real answer is all the smiles on the faces of my kids, their friends and their parents faces. That is why I wanted to throw the party again.
We had no rain, a wonderful turn out and a great time, only I felt a little bad that my friend wasn't able to make it until the last part due work and his teenage daughter's new job, but he kindly helped me clean up everything outside and said how bad he felt after seeing all the pictures I had taken. I realize it wasn't his fault but still felt bad. That seems to be how I have felt since the end of the party, a bit down, depressed and stuck worried that the rest of this summer/year will turn out like last summer. Unable to afford gas to go places, not having enough money to pay the bills. How can one live the live of their dreams when they never dreamed their life would be like this.
Perspective. This morning when I woke up, I received an extremely caring text from my friend, stating "One month ago from today someone celebrated my birthday with me and for the first time the day started to feel special again. Oh, of course I denied it. I didn't want my hopes to get crushed again. But because of YOU, I felt special. Thank you so much again! I love you!"
I am loved. Not just by my two children who seem to see me in a different light, with more respect (especially from my soon to be teenage daughter), not just by my friends and family, but by a man who wants to share his life with me. He knows about the lawyer battles about the lack of funds in my checking account, but doesn't care and reminds me that he will be with me through these challenges and all the others life will throw in our way. When we walked around in the dark, cleaning up streamers, decorations, toys, he told me I was beautiful again and I just laughed at him, knowing how crazy exhausted I was, how tired and old I felt and he reminded me, beauty is not just on the outside Lisa, although yes, even exhausted you are beautiful to me.
It is hard to feel strong, sexy (ha)...attractive?, beautiful when you don't feel confident in life. I keep trying to tell myself this too shall pass, but I want to be in control, to know I can pay the bills, to know my kids will be okay, to know I am doing things right. I know to be loved, you need to first love yourself and I am having a harder time doing that right now, but hopefully I will figure out how. Apparently not at 4AM, but somehow my self-confidence will return. I hope.
I am blessed, I have my health (well as far as I know until my physical later this month, but lets stick with the ignorance is bliss a bit longer here), I am loved, I have a roof over my head, food to eat for now, a job I love, and deep down hope that things will be okay...I just have to remember that I am not in control, God is and I have to remember to keep my faith in his hands. Prayer. I must trust in my prayers, that these challenges too shall pass.
Instead, I spent today spending too much time reflecting on why things happen as they do. Why, when one is filled with blessings, their mind focuses back on the few negatives in their life. I suppose, it is because we want to be in control of our lives and when there are crucial aspects we lose control over, we can't help but sink into a state of concern.
A week ago, was when I finally emailed, asking what I did not want to know, was the reason I did not receive child support the past two weeks because my ex had again lost his job. Ignorance is bliss, I have said and learned time and time again...hoping he had switched to a new job or something else had happened. Not only did I hear the news that he had a month ago, but separately from that received a message from my lawyer, unaware yet of the news, that I was to either agree that my ex gains supervised visits starting next (this) week with his mother as the supervisor, or we go back to court again. My stomach sunk, and I went to pick up my daughter and try to put on a positive face, as I was still trying to uphold from being around my son that morning at home. Soon, the lawyer was copied on the message that he had lost his job and my kids are again without insurance as well as I am without child support. As of tonight as I can't sleep, I have not heard back as to what happens next, as I stated I wanted to know WHY he lost his job before agreeing to anything else. Was it drugs/alcohol as it was the last time? If so I certainly hope they don't expect me to trust him with the kids again.
Persevere I did, as we had over 50 friends coming to our Patriotic Party this past Saturday evening. My kids were so excited to be having the party and I just kept praying there would not be rain, as I had forgot to mention a rain date on the invites.
It was a little over a month prior, that I was sharing with my new friend, about how I had thrown these family Patriotic Parties each year, from the year my daughter was born up until the divorce, which I had realized had been seven years ago now. After six years of hosting, I still had a Rubbermaid tote filled with decorations and decided, why not try it again, then my new friend could see what it was like. Earlier in the day, my mom had seen me a bit frazzled after mowing the lawn, setting up games and decorations and questioned why I do this to myself. I told her with a bit of anger at the time, because it's fun! Knowing how silly I probably sounded at the time, I later thought more about this and know the real answer is all the smiles on the faces of my kids, their friends and their parents faces. That is why I wanted to throw the party again.
We had no rain, a wonderful turn out and a great time, only I felt a little bad that my friend wasn't able to make it until the last part due work and his teenage daughter's new job, but he kindly helped me clean up everything outside and said how bad he felt after seeing all the pictures I had taken. I realize it wasn't his fault but still felt bad. That seems to be how I have felt since the end of the party, a bit down, depressed and stuck worried that the rest of this summer/year will turn out like last summer. Unable to afford gas to go places, not having enough money to pay the bills. How can one live the live of their dreams when they never dreamed their life would be like this.
Perspective. This morning when I woke up, I received an extremely caring text from my friend, stating "One month ago from today someone celebrated my birthday with me and for the first time the day started to feel special again. Oh, of course I denied it. I didn't want my hopes to get crushed again. But because of YOU, I felt special. Thank you so much again! I love you!"
I am loved. Not just by my two children who seem to see me in a different light, with more respect (especially from my soon to be teenage daughter), not just by my friends and family, but by a man who wants to share his life with me. He knows about the lawyer battles about the lack of funds in my checking account, but doesn't care and reminds me that he will be with me through these challenges and all the others life will throw in our way. When we walked around in the dark, cleaning up streamers, decorations, toys, he told me I was beautiful again and I just laughed at him, knowing how crazy exhausted I was, how tired and old I felt and he reminded me, beauty is not just on the outside Lisa, although yes, even exhausted you are beautiful to me.
It is hard to feel strong, sexy (ha)...attractive?, beautiful when you don't feel confident in life. I keep trying to tell myself this too shall pass, but I want to be in control, to know I can pay the bills, to know my kids will be okay, to know I am doing things right. I know to be loved, you need to first love yourself and I am having a harder time doing that right now, but hopefully I will figure out how. Apparently not at 4AM, but somehow my self-confidence will return. I hope.
I am blessed, I have my health (well as far as I know until my physical later this month, but lets stick with the ignorance is bliss a bit longer here), I am loved, I have a roof over my head, food to eat for now, a job I love, and deep down hope that things will be okay...I just have to remember that I am not in control, God is and I have to remember to keep my faith in his hands. Prayer. I must trust in my prayers, that these challenges too shall pass.
Saturday, March 8, 2014
Present
When 2014 began, I decided not to make any resolutions, as all the news/talk shows as well as posts online, stated most resolutions are broken with in a matter of so many days. At this time, I did read or hear about the idea of having a world/concept to focus on for the year and this stuck. So I narrowed it down to hope, patience and present. When telling a couple people about this and trying to figure out what would be the best word, I found it funny that others thought I was already filled with more patience than anyone they knew, funny as I don't view myself that way.
I decided on present. This year I am going to focus on being in the present. Not worrying about the past, scared of the future, but enjoying and having gratitude each day for what I currently have and where I currently am.
Last Friday, a week ago, after heading back to court, yes my ex husband got a job at the start of the year and now feels he should therefore have placement of the kids again...after I made it through, as I say, I found myself taken to somewhere and someone I needed to be. It really isn't that far to my hometown, just the outside of the opposite side of Madison, but yet I don't really have a reason to go back anymore. Although, a store I have loved for years, I am friends with the owner, or rather my sister grew up as a best friend with the owners daughter I should say, was having a sale on Life Is Good products, which he daughter knew I loved and messaged me on Facebook about it. I decided to make the small trek after court, not just for the sale, but because I knew the owner also when through a divorce/placement/etc when her children were young, yet is now happily married, extremely successful in life and filled with joy. I needed some words of wisdom from her.
Speaking with her, or rather listening to her, I was reminded of a few things I knew, but had recently forgot or had been ignoring. As we spoke I was reminded that life/all the stress/ it may be piling on me again/at times, but I have the choice to physically step back from it and say it is not me. I can choose how I react and what I react too. I was proud I didn't react or make any eye contact with my ex in court as I know he was sure trying to rattle me. I did not choose not to let the past month of nerves get to me though. As we talking I pointed out how I really felt I was doing well in the fall, feeling more self-confident, secure about myself, my parenting, the track my life was on, but I am not there anymore. She reminded also reminded me that I am where I need to be, we all are. Everything happens for a reason, yes we have free will to react to things, but we are at a given point of life and it's a good thing. I agreed, as much as I felt awful that my ex is in as rough of shape as he is, I could not have fixed that or stopped him from making the choices he has. I also am not sorry that he was in my life in the past as I would never have had my two amazing children, nor would I have grown as much as I have over the past almost seven years. I guess I needed to be reminded about that.
So now, in the present, I also spoke to her about the fact that my daughter wanted me to start dating/questions when I was ever going to date, back in December. Then during the first week of the New Year, we were home on a 'cold day' from school watch the morning news or Today Show and they had a piece on Match.com, explaining how at a certain time that night, would be the prime opportunity to meet someone new. My daughter shouted out to me, "Mom you have to do this! You have to go on Match so you can meet and marry someone and we can have a dad!" Ouch, wow, that hit me out of left field. My son was also in the room and at first got upset, explaining he didn't want to get rid of dad and never see him again. I made it quite clear that IF I ever started dating and IF I ever got married again, that man would be a "bonus dad" as a good friend of mine once taught me. You will always have your dad, no one will ever take him away as your dad, I explained, but anyone new would be a bonus, or an extra dad to have around, spend time with, play with, etc. After some thought he really liked the idea too. I wasn't so sure though and it wasn't until the next time that I got myself to get on Match, created a simple profile and sign up for a week for free.
That week was well, a great builder of self-esteem. As the email one week later from match.com pointed out, "You've had a great week!" Listing off the winks, likes of my pictures/profiles and messages I had received. I did start responding with one man, who I met for lunch the next week and discovered what he meant by meeting to see if there is a "Spark" there, as he had plenty of fun messages/texts with women to find out there wasn't a spark. Well, there wasn't for us either, but at least it got me to respond to another person, this man I ended up dating until lasessaging/talking with him each day, but this last weekend when I was with him in person again, it's just wasn't there, that spark. As the close people in my life pointed out, he may be sweet and wonderful with your kids, but you need to be physically and emotionally attracted to the man too. If you just date to find someone for your kids, when they have left the house, then what? I understood and understood I needed to be honest about my feelings with him, but I also realized I had never had to tell someone that it just wasn't going to work out. As nervous as I was, I was just as relieved after I had done it. I hope I don't have to do that again.
During the time we were dating, I also was receiving messages, winks/etc. from others on Match and didn't feel it was right to answer them, as I don't feel right dating more than one man at a time, but this past week, I did start messaging with a new friend. My lesson/goal from the past month or so is that I need to enjoy each day, not introduce the kids until I know that "Spark" is there for awhile and be in the present. One of the key things that stuck last Friday was when she said that a relationship, should be easy, not that there aren't challenges you need to deal with as a couple, but especially at the the start, it should feel easy, natural, you should have to work at it. It didn't feel that way with the last one, so we will see how the next goes. Another friend pointed out that when you are dating a man, he should make your toes girl, you should be excited about seeing him, being with him and as much as I was hoping that would be the case this past time, as it was when we texted/spoke, in person, as much as I wanted it too, it didn't happen. The comment yesterday that made me feel good was a reminder that at least I got myself back out there, I am not giving up on dating (as I had for over 2 years now) and that there apparentently (I added that word) are other men out there interested in me.
So this year, I am enjoying the present. Not worrying about out the new Gardian at Litem study goes over the next few months, not worrying about having a new lawyer (which went better than I thought after only meeting her a week and a half before our court date) and not worrying if the new guy I am having a great time getting to know turns out to be "the one". I am just enjoying the present, each day and I am greatful for the gifts it brings me (as well as the lessons).
I decided on present. This year I am going to focus on being in the present. Not worrying about the past, scared of the future, but enjoying and having gratitude each day for what I currently have and where I currently am.
Last Friday, a week ago, after heading back to court, yes my ex husband got a job at the start of the year and now feels he should therefore have placement of the kids again...after I made it through, as I say, I found myself taken to somewhere and someone I needed to be. It really isn't that far to my hometown, just the outside of the opposite side of Madison, but yet I don't really have a reason to go back anymore. Although, a store I have loved for years, I am friends with the owner, or rather my sister grew up as a best friend with the owners daughter I should say, was having a sale on Life Is Good products, which he daughter knew I loved and messaged me on Facebook about it. I decided to make the small trek after court, not just for the sale, but because I knew the owner also when through a divorce/placement/etc when her children were young, yet is now happily married, extremely successful in life and filled with joy. I needed some words of wisdom from her.
Speaking with her, or rather listening to her, I was reminded of a few things I knew, but had recently forgot or had been ignoring. As we spoke I was reminded that life/all the stress/ it may be piling on me again/at times, but I have the choice to physically step back from it and say it is not me. I can choose how I react and what I react too. I was proud I didn't react or make any eye contact with my ex in court as I know he was sure trying to rattle me. I did not choose not to let the past month of nerves get to me though. As we talking I pointed out how I really felt I was doing well in the fall, feeling more self-confident, secure about myself, my parenting, the track my life was on, but I am not there anymore. She reminded also reminded me that I am where I need to be, we all are. Everything happens for a reason, yes we have free will to react to things, but we are at a given point of life and it's a good thing. I agreed, as much as I felt awful that my ex is in as rough of shape as he is, I could not have fixed that or stopped him from making the choices he has. I also am not sorry that he was in my life in the past as I would never have had my two amazing children, nor would I have grown as much as I have over the past almost seven years. I guess I needed to be reminded about that.
So now, in the present, I also spoke to her about the fact that my daughter wanted me to start dating/questions when I was ever going to date, back in December. Then during the first week of the New Year, we were home on a 'cold day' from school watch the morning news or Today Show and they had a piece on Match.com, explaining how at a certain time that night, would be the prime opportunity to meet someone new. My daughter shouted out to me, "Mom you have to do this! You have to go on Match so you can meet and marry someone and we can have a dad!" Ouch, wow, that hit me out of left field. My son was also in the room and at first got upset, explaining he didn't want to get rid of dad and never see him again. I made it quite clear that IF I ever started dating and IF I ever got married again, that man would be a "bonus dad" as a good friend of mine once taught me. You will always have your dad, no one will ever take him away as your dad, I explained, but anyone new would be a bonus, or an extra dad to have around, spend time with, play with, etc. After some thought he really liked the idea too. I wasn't so sure though and it wasn't until the next time that I got myself to get on Match, created a simple profile and sign up for a week for free.
That week was well, a great builder of self-esteem. As the email one week later from match.com pointed out, "You've had a great week!" Listing off the winks, likes of my pictures/profiles and messages I had received. I did start responding with one man, who I met for lunch the next week and discovered what he meant by meeting to see if there is a "Spark" there, as he had plenty of fun messages/texts with women to find out there wasn't a spark. Well, there wasn't for us either, but at least it got me to respond to another person, this man I ended up dating until lasessaging/talking with him each day, but this last weekend when I was with him in person again, it's just wasn't there, that spark. As the close people in my life pointed out, he may be sweet and wonderful with your kids, but you need to be physically and emotionally attracted to the man too. If you just date to find someone for your kids, when they have left the house, then what? I understood and understood I needed to be honest about my feelings with him, but I also realized I had never had to tell someone that it just wasn't going to work out. As nervous as I was, I was just as relieved after I had done it. I hope I don't have to do that again.
During the time we were dating, I also was receiving messages, winks/etc. from others on Match and didn't feel it was right to answer them, as I don't feel right dating more than one man at a time, but this past week, I did start messaging with a new friend. My lesson/goal from the past month or so is that I need to enjoy each day, not introduce the kids until I know that "Spark" is there for awhile and be in the present. One of the key things that stuck last Friday was when she said that a relationship, should be easy, not that there aren't challenges you need to deal with as a couple, but especially at the the start, it should feel easy, natural, you should have to work at it. It didn't feel that way with the last one, so we will see how the next goes. Another friend pointed out that when you are dating a man, he should make your toes girl, you should be excited about seeing him, being with him and as much as I was hoping that would be the case this past time, as it was when we texted/spoke, in person, as much as I wanted it too, it didn't happen. The comment yesterday that made me feel good was a reminder that at least I got myself back out there, I am not giving up on dating (as I had for over 2 years now) and that there apparentently (I added that word) are other men out there interested in me.
So this year, I am enjoying the present. Not worrying about out the new Gardian at Litem study goes over the next few months, not worrying about having a new lawyer (which went better than I thought after only meeting her a week and a half before our court date) and not worrying if the new guy I am having a great time getting to know turns out to be "the one". I am just enjoying the present, each day and I am greatful for the gifts it brings me (as well as the lessons).
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