"Even in the midst of personal failure the one who has been saved knows that he or she is still precious in the eyes of God"...pg 32 A Glimpse of Jesus
I was going to begin with this entry, as over the past few days, part of me has felt as though I have failed in some way. I once again was not able to sustain a relationship with a man. I tried to rationalize that it was for the best...he not having a job currently and my salary not enough to support us both; he having a different take on Christianity and healing, not understanding how I can't just hand over all my worries and just trust God to take care of everything; and his comments about regarding no longer drinking, waiting until marriage to have sex and many other attitudes he claimed to now have as a born again Christian this spring, don't always follow along with the actions he takes. Meeting his family and explained more about why he is who he is, but in the past week...as well as the last week we were together and for the first time in our new couple bliss, we faced challenges. Apparently his take on them is to fold up and call it quits.
As I was reading, searching for answers, I also found myself not wanting to feel alone for the first Wednesday night in the past almost two months, so I turned on TV in the background for company. Eat, Pray and Love was on and a majority of the time I could focus on what I was reading, but a few lines were apparently there for me to take in tonight...
"big deal, so you feel for someone...if you could clear that space in your mind, the energy towards that man and your failed marriage, you know what would happen; God would rush in and fill you with more love than you'd know what to do with" Eat Pray Love (the movie)
From this line I continued reading my newly checked out book, as if it was calling out to me...LISA: "Unhealthy guilt is self-centered, it stirs our emotions to church in self-destructive ways, leads to depression and despair, closes us in upon ourselves and preempts the presence of a compassionate God. -pg 19
Guilt would be a primary emotion in my body the past few days. The guilt of getting involved again, being blinded somehow by what I thought was a great thing. The guilt of involving my children, as I have not yet told them that we will no longer see him and his kids, but my daughter has asked a few times when; I simply respond I'm not sure and then the guilt thickens inside of me. I hadnt' intended to get them so involved. It has been happening so naturally. Apparently I should have been more guarded or something. I knew it had been a stressful week, with my work and his interviewing and not receiving work. But never did I think one day after he and his kids left with hugs goodbye until later, that he would call the next day and say it was all over. He exact words, "I've given this a lot of thought and I can't be in a relationship with someone else until my divorce is over."
I was in shock at first, not ever expecting that or prepared to speak after hearing it. Finally, I spoke, questioning, asking what he was saying? That he didn't want to date me anyone? Hadn't he just said he loved me for the first time a week ago, talking about our future, making all sorts of plans, why this weekend we were suppose to go to Milwaukee for a Brewers game, which he had already purchased the tickets and I the hotel room. He said, I just told you Lisa, I am still married in the eyes of God and until my divorce is over (about less than a month now), I decided I can not share feelings/be involved in a loving relationship. So, you are saying it's just over? We discussed this on our first date, as I had waited until my divorce was done to begin dating as well as other times and he had no concerns or second thoughts about it. There had to be something else, as I said to him and he just got frustrated that I didn't understand. He said he still wants the kids to be friends and play together but for us to no longer date or be in a relationship. As I explained to him, I didn't see how on earth that could possibly work. My children and I would think his too, are too smart and will know that something is not right. They have spoke of/joked about being brothers and sisters some day, he laughed and smiled right along when they did. I said I just didn't understand how that could be good for any of us.
I asked him what am I suppose to tell people, what is he going to say and his response was that he is not accountable to anyone. He is a grown man and can make is own choices and doesn't need to defend them to a soul. I said, really? When my friends, my parents, when people ask why we are no longer together I should just say, because his divorce isn't finalized yet. He said say whatever you want, but yes that is what I've been saying Lisa. I was in shock and crying at this point and he said he had to go.
That was Sunday night, about 10/10:30. I have not heard a thing from him since. He removed me as a friend from Facebook and it apparently is all over. Door slammed in my face and goodbye I guess. As I go back and forth whether Facebook is a good thing or not, I do feel it's the easiest and least painful way of having to share news like this with lots of friends at once. Fortunately, I'm blessed with many friends with kind words and suggestions to wait to talk to my kids about it until a little time has passed.
During the conclusion of the movie Eat, Pray and Love, the main charter states:
...if you set out on a truth seeking journey, externally or internally and if you are truly to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue; and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher; and if you are prepared, most of all to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself, then the truth will not be withheld from you.
I am still to fresh into this happening to decide what clue is has, what lesson is has for me on my journey, but I do know a few things. First, to wait longer into and through the bliss part of a new relationship to introduce my children to the man. Secondly, that after the end of my engagement in December, some form of love did find me again, therefore I can't allow myself to feel to hopeless that this was it, my last chance. Thirdly, I can't blame God, as I began too Sunday night, for what happened. It was my first relationship with a man who openly called himself a Christian and somehow I thought this was God's doing. Maybe it was in someways as it got me back to searching for knowledge and back onto a quest for understand religion again. I just told him, on the phone Sunday night, that he sure didnt' help at all in strengthening my faith in people or God...that they had both let me down.
I now know, it was said out of anger, and that God does not try to hurt us or test our faith in him. I know I was putting my own lack of faith for him not taking care of me when really he was. He was saving me from even more pain down the road if I would have stayed with him. He was showing love towards me through the kind words, support and love from friends. He is still there, with open arms, if I am willing to accept them and understand that his love is unconditional. It's not a matter of sinning, or doing right or wrong in his eyes. Like I say to my children, I may not love what you are doing, but I still love you.
As the rainy Wednesday evening began, the same as my first date of this past relationship began...and after not spending one Wednesday night apart from him in the past, almost two months. I did pretty well refocusing tonight on what I needed too. What really counts. Going back to focusing on the relationship I have with God, focusing on self love...not beating up on myself for messing things up somehow once again. As much as I did not want to be alone tonight, I do believe it was for the best.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Trust, Faith and Finding Rest
Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take. Proverbs 112:7-8
Larry Crowne, with Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts, was just what I needed this Sunday afternoon. Now , as I am curled up in a brown cozy leather chair at Barriques, enjoying an iced Tai Chi Latte, I am wondering why I had earlier felt any concern as to what I was going to spend my afternoon doing. It's amazing how I seem to feel the need to fill my time doing something "productive".
Yesterday, as I faced an entire day with nothing planned, with my good friend at my side, I felt this strong pulling inside me that I needed to be making plans. What should we do today? What are we going to do tonight? He questioned, kindly but honestly, why do you need to have everything planned out, why can't you just relax. He continued, by stating that if you keep going and going with your kids all week, and then all weekend, you just can't keep up at that pace. I know I quickly interrupted, eventually, yes, I will crash. He asked, then why dont' you spend some of the time without your children relaxing, just doing nothing, so you can be refreshed, recharged and have energy to spend with then when they return.
Okay, he had an excellent point, I agreed, but said, I just have a hard time relaxing, feeling guilty that I am not begin productive, accomplishing something. "We'll have to work on that" he said. Interestingly enough, the sermon at church this morning was on the topic of coming too God, all who are weary and find rest. During the children's sermon, the pastor made a joke about what type of rest Jesus had in mind...offering a friend a pillow, blankie and stuffed doggie to cuddle with.
One of the messages I heard, was a reminder that God wants us to come to him when we are weary, tired, fearful, sad, upset and to lay our worries our sorrows at the cross and He will take care of them. As I write this, I am reminded of a conversation I had with my friend on the way to church this morning. He had asked me if I was nervous, apparently picking up on my fidgeting that I wasn't aware of. I replied no, well yes, maybe a little, as I had never brought a person I was dating to church with me. As I told him, having a friend that would attend worship with me was on my list. Once upon a time, I had made up a list of qualities or such that I would want in a future boyfriend, once my divorce had finally ended and I began dating again.
I looked down at my wrist, at my bracelet, and commented how I had worn that bracelet on our first date, my fidget item to play with when I got nervous. He questioned if I was nervous on our first date, to which I responded, well yes. But now as I think more about it, I was nervous on my way, prior to our date but not during it. I then asked him if he was nervous on our first date and he looked over at me and calmly smiled, saying no. I asked, how could you not have been nervous? His response, "God has a plan for me and I trust him."
Okay, fine, he got me. I know it's not a contest, but if it was, he has me beat on this whole faith in God thing. I wish my faith was as strong as his is and am tyring to work on it. He is a good example for me in this way.
Which bring me back to the movie this afternoon. Julia Roberts character was in a bad place in her life. Her husband soon to be ex husband treated her quite poorly and here came Tom Hanks' character, although not as highly educated, he was a gentleman. As he was opening a door for her, she was quite taken back, as I too have been a time or two lately. She commented, stunned at his behavior, you open doors, you are a true gentleman. His character had hit a low point in his life as well. He was starting over in many aspects, but was true to himself...a true, honest, kind gentleman, showing respect to all those around him.
Friday night, on our way out of my friend's church, his step-mom and I were approaching the car and once again, he came around and opened my car door for me, as he always does. As I got into his car, I commented a bit nervously, that I am still not use to having doors held for me. He is the first man I've dated that opens doors for me. She responded, "Lisa, let him do it! You deserve it to be treated with respect!" She continued, "That's one thing I still remember from the first date I went on with his dad, he opened doors for me and still does to this day. A true sign of a gentleman." I am not sure if she had said that last line, but after seeking the movie this afternoon, I felt as though it would be appropriate to bring it up today.
As I sit and reflect on this past week, filled with so many great memories, too many to record right now, one does stick out in my mind. Wednesday night, I attended the first Concert on the Square of the season, this year though, not on my own. As I had been sharing my blog with my friend recently, I noticed my first entry I decided to publish...it was a year ago, almost to the date. I was venturing off to the Concerts on the Square alone last year, as I hadn't been in so many years and was determined that not having a man in my life shouldn't be limiting me as to what I was out there doing and enjoying in life. This year, I have a man that was excited to take me. So much so, he had went downtown and set out a blanket on the lawn of the capitol earlier in the afternoon. He later pointed out how he had picked this exact location so that we could see the orchestra, but be out of the direct sun, under the shade of a nearby tree so that we won't be too hot or have to worry about the sun in our eyes. He had packed too small coolers, one with ice water and the other with beer from the Brewery we had toured together, in fact had picked up a special bottle of their Wisconsin Belgian Red Style Ale Brewed with Door County Cherries.
It's hard to believe we will have been dating a month now this Wednesday. He joked last night, that he'd better hurry up and go buy me a ring, as it was just after a month my last boyfriend had proposed to me. He knew I had asked, early on, that no matter how things went with us, just please don't propose to me after only a month or two!
Kindly, he agreed, yet still we laugh about it. It was funny Friday night, while chatting with a friend of his, I said I reluctantly went out on that first dinner date and there hasn't been a span of about 3-4 waking hours that we haven't either spoke, texted or seen each other since. It really is amazing how God works in our lives. As I ran across this verse today, I thought it summarized my life lately perfectly.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding." I do think God knows what he is doing. I am trying to keep and strengthen my faith each day, now with help.
Larry Crowne, with Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts, was just what I needed this Sunday afternoon. Now , as I am curled up in a brown cozy leather chair at Barriques, enjoying an iced Tai Chi Latte, I am wondering why I had earlier felt any concern as to what I was going to spend my afternoon doing. It's amazing how I seem to feel the need to fill my time doing something "productive".
Yesterday, as I faced an entire day with nothing planned, with my good friend at my side, I felt this strong pulling inside me that I needed to be making plans. What should we do today? What are we going to do tonight? He questioned, kindly but honestly, why do you need to have everything planned out, why can't you just relax. He continued, by stating that if you keep going and going with your kids all week, and then all weekend, you just can't keep up at that pace. I know I quickly interrupted, eventually, yes, I will crash. He asked, then why dont' you spend some of the time without your children relaxing, just doing nothing, so you can be refreshed, recharged and have energy to spend with then when they return.
Okay, he had an excellent point, I agreed, but said, I just have a hard time relaxing, feeling guilty that I am not begin productive, accomplishing something. "We'll have to work on that" he said. Interestingly enough, the sermon at church this morning was on the topic of coming too God, all who are weary and find rest. During the children's sermon, the pastor made a joke about what type of rest Jesus had in mind...offering a friend a pillow, blankie and stuffed doggie to cuddle with.
One of the messages I heard, was a reminder that God wants us to come to him when we are weary, tired, fearful, sad, upset and to lay our worries our sorrows at the cross and He will take care of them. As I write this, I am reminded of a conversation I had with my friend on the way to church this morning. He had asked me if I was nervous, apparently picking up on my fidgeting that I wasn't aware of. I replied no, well yes, maybe a little, as I had never brought a person I was dating to church with me. As I told him, having a friend that would attend worship with me was on my list. Once upon a time, I had made up a list of qualities or such that I would want in a future boyfriend, once my divorce had finally ended and I began dating again.
I looked down at my wrist, at my bracelet, and commented how I had worn that bracelet on our first date, my fidget item to play with when I got nervous. He questioned if I was nervous on our first date, to which I responded, well yes. But now as I think more about it, I was nervous on my way, prior to our date but not during it. I then asked him if he was nervous on our first date and he looked over at me and calmly smiled, saying no. I asked, how could you not have been nervous? His response, "God has a plan for me and I trust him."
Okay, fine, he got me. I know it's not a contest, but if it was, he has me beat on this whole faith in God thing. I wish my faith was as strong as his is and am tyring to work on it. He is a good example for me in this way.
Which bring me back to the movie this afternoon. Julia Roberts character was in a bad place in her life. Her husband soon to be ex husband treated her quite poorly and here came Tom Hanks' character, although not as highly educated, he was a gentleman. As he was opening a door for her, she was quite taken back, as I too have been a time or two lately. She commented, stunned at his behavior, you open doors, you are a true gentleman. His character had hit a low point in his life as well. He was starting over in many aspects, but was true to himself...a true, honest, kind gentleman, showing respect to all those around him.
Friday night, on our way out of my friend's church, his step-mom and I were approaching the car and once again, he came around and opened my car door for me, as he always does. As I got into his car, I commented a bit nervously, that I am still not use to having doors held for me. He is the first man I've dated that opens doors for me. She responded, "Lisa, let him do it! You deserve it to be treated with respect!" She continued, "That's one thing I still remember from the first date I went on with his dad, he opened doors for me and still does to this day. A true sign of a gentleman." I am not sure if she had said that last line, but after seeking the movie this afternoon, I felt as though it would be appropriate to bring it up today.
As I sit and reflect on this past week, filled with so many great memories, too many to record right now, one does stick out in my mind. Wednesday night, I attended the first Concert on the Square of the season, this year though, not on my own. As I had been sharing my blog with my friend recently, I noticed my first entry I decided to publish...it was a year ago, almost to the date. I was venturing off to the Concerts on the Square alone last year, as I hadn't been in so many years and was determined that not having a man in my life shouldn't be limiting me as to what I was out there doing and enjoying in life. This year, I have a man that was excited to take me. So much so, he had went downtown and set out a blanket on the lawn of the capitol earlier in the afternoon. He later pointed out how he had picked this exact location so that we could see the orchestra, but be out of the direct sun, under the shade of a nearby tree so that we won't be too hot or have to worry about the sun in our eyes. He had packed too small coolers, one with ice water and the other with beer from the Brewery we had toured together, in fact had picked up a special bottle of their Wisconsin Belgian Red Style Ale Brewed with Door County Cherries.
It's hard to believe we will have been dating a month now this Wednesday. He joked last night, that he'd better hurry up and go buy me a ring, as it was just after a month my last boyfriend had proposed to me. He knew I had asked, early on, that no matter how things went with us, just please don't propose to me after only a month or two!
Kindly, he agreed, yet still we laugh about it. It was funny Friday night, while chatting with a friend of his, I said I reluctantly went out on that first dinner date and there hasn't been a span of about 3-4 waking hours that we haven't either spoke, texted or seen each other since. It really is amazing how God works in our lives. As I ran across this verse today, I thought it summarized my life lately perfectly.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding." I do think God knows what he is doing. I am trying to keep and strengthen my faith each day, now with help.
Monday, June 20, 2011
My Lucky Number 8
The number 8 has always been a good number for me. My birthday is on an 8th as is my son's. I use to be the number 8 on our youth soccer program as a kids growing up. I've have always favored even numbers, there is just something round and complete about them. About two weeks ago, when someone asked me out, I had know idea how much I would be grateful it landed on an 8.
As I believe I stated in a previous blog, I did indeed join a Christian dating website a few weeks back. I even drove a ways to meet up with a guy I was so hoping something would work out with. The day after I returned from meeting up with him and questioning whether he really was who I thought he was, I received a smile, as they call them and then a couple emails from a man with a comforting smile. He had emailed asking where I had went to school, as he thought I looked so familiar. Sure enough, the next day, as we instant messaged, we discovered that we had indeed went to school and graduated high school together. To be quite honest with all of you, I wasn't quite sure if I wanted to talk to him any further. I credit myself with leaving my past in the past and I didn't really know if I wanted to venture back to high school memories. But the more we typed, the more I thought to myself...how much do you really know about him. How would a relationship work with the guy from Rochester anyway? As we typed, he picked up on my love of Italy and Italian food and we decided to go out that next night...as we are both childless on Wednesdays.
The next thing I know, I was all nervous, sitting in my minivan outside of Villa Dolce. What did I really know about him? Yes, he was sadly picked on in school, but in our school, who wasn't! He was shorter, I rememberred, and had glasses. Well, as I finally got myself to stop nervously texting my sister I went inside to find he had now grown to six feet and now had contacts too. We sat down and started discussing life in person. I really enjoyed being able to relate to our past. He too, met someone in his teens, stayed with her, then married her having two children together. He two, discovered his spouse had met someone else and the divorce process began. He was filled with such empathy and interested in all I had to say. He too, eventually, turned to God for help. He became an active member of his church and you can tell from meeting him, he is living the life of a Christian by example to his children, by the way he loves and cares for his family and the kindness and respect he has shown me any time I have been around him. When he asks how it is he found me again after all these years, I remind him that we never really knew each other back then...nor are we the same person from high school. Hopefully we have grown and learned through our challenges/struggles in life and have grown into stronger, better people.
As we were in another world, enjoying our dinner as well as company, a waitress arrived, followed by the hostess and owners, asking us to please move to the cellar. There had been a tornado reported nearby and a tornado warning was in effect. As we ventured down into the cellar, along with the rest of the visitors at the restaurant, I later found out it was over 200 years old. Not sure what would happen next, we joked about the unopened wine located nearby and turn to our phones to view the news and weather.
Upon returning upstairs, I joked at the check out that our first date will sure be a memorable one. Just as I spoke, the Italian owner came over with his strong accent and said, "Hey, please don't leave have a seat over here and keep talking!" We did have a seat at the small but colorful light-up bar across from the flat screen TV in the entry area, with all the weather updates. The tornado warning may have been expired, but it was really storming still out there and neither of us were in any hurry to go anywhere.
Again, we went off to another place in discussion, only realizing we were still sitting there when we saw the owner turning off the OPEN sign in the front window behind us, as I asked him again, "Do you need us to go?" Then he replied again, "OH NO! You two stay, keep chatting, enjoy yourselves!" Yes the old Italian man must have already seen what we can now see. Something more was there between us.
Following that memorable first date, we texted, IM'd and spoke on the phone on and off all weekend that we spent with our own kids. The following Tuesday, my daughter was out of town with a friend at a water park and then I decided to try bowling. Yes, my friend and I just "happened" to run into each other at the exact same bowling alley with our kids at the exact same time. My youngest son and his two children had a great time as we bowled and then enjoyed lunch. My daughter, on the other hand came home quite upset that his brother got to meet mom's "Boyfriend" as my 9 year old called him and she had not yet! As I texted my new friend this, we decided they could meet when he picked me up on Wednesday for our next date, as her Dad was out of town and I needed to get a sitter. On Wednesday night, we went to The Great Dane for dinner and then to the movie Midnight in Paris, which was playing at Sundance. I should have looked at the box/description closer, as it was not exactly when I expected...and I do thing we were two of the youngest people sitting in the theatre. But the company was wonderful so nothing else mattered. When we were done with the movie, we had a little time before relieving the babysitter. A few minutes out of the parking lot and it comes to him, a surprise he said. The next thing I know, we were sitting outside of Cold Stone Creamery. Looking up at the full moon peaking out from the clouds and talking more about relationships.
Friday night, my new friend made a homemade Italian dinner for me, being half Italian himself, as he had previously pointed out and quite domesticated. I can clean, do laundry and even cook...my speciality is Italian he had stated. I made him my grandma's famous peanut butter pie for dessert. Ironically, he had explained on the phone the night before, that his Step-Mom had loaned him the movie Fireproof and had asked if I had any interest in watching it. Of course! I heard a lot about it too and had wanted to see it. I was a bit surprised and excited by the face he would watch a Christian romantic comedy with me. It was a great movie about marriage and relationships, if you ever care to rent it.
How did I miss, the invitation of him to our Thursday night dinner and trip to the local pool. The kids both had a good chance to talk to Mom's new friend and it went amazingly better than I thought they would.
Finally to Saturday. As he picks me up to head to New Glarus, I am reminded my parents were stopping in town to meet with their landscaper and begin putting up some storage shelves in their home being built in town. SO, after he arrived to pick me up, I asked if we could stop by. We got the official tour and my parents had a chance to meet him. Then onto New Glarus the two of us went. First, we made it to the New Glarus Brewery before the self-guided tours were over. We got a kick out of a lot of the products, signs, etc. Then it was to the tasting room! A very large, crowded and popular place to be! Not to mention the big fountain and outdoor Beirgarten as they called it. After getting our first picture taken together, we headed onward into town. The town's architexture and Swiss decor was a joy to look at as we were on our way to the Garen Shlueb. Here, we had the authentic Swiss Meatballs and New Glarus Beer...only seemed right after touring and tasting it the brewery. After a great and entertaining dinner, we decided to walk around the main streets and do some shopping /browsing. Eventually we made it back and picked up a movie to enjoy together.
Finally we made it to today, Father's Day. We began by meeting his Dad and Stepmother as we worshiped together at their church. Then, after hugging his kids goodbye, I headed over to help my own Dad unload a van full of items to move ahead of time. After he and Mom headed back towards their current home, I met my friend and his kids for dinner and a blast in a nearby park afterwards. What a fun and wonderful end to the rest of the fun-filled weekend! As I told him on the phone tonight, I'll never forget driving off as the three of them, all adorned with beaming smiles and excitedly waving hands and arms drove off towards home the other way.
As my new friend has commented, "How did I ever find you, Lisa"
I have responded, "God. It was his plan, on his time for us to find each other."
His response to that. "Amen Lisa, Amen to that."
Yes, I am now understanding what my friend and coworker meant a few months ago when she was sharing what had been happening in her own personal life. As she said and I'll never forget, "It's a God thing Lisa, I just can't explain it, but I know it is." I can now see where she was coming from.
As I believe I stated in a previous blog, I did indeed join a Christian dating website a few weeks back. I even drove a ways to meet up with a guy I was so hoping something would work out with. The day after I returned from meeting up with him and questioning whether he really was who I thought he was, I received a smile, as they call them and then a couple emails from a man with a comforting smile. He had emailed asking where I had went to school, as he thought I looked so familiar. Sure enough, the next day, as we instant messaged, we discovered that we had indeed went to school and graduated high school together. To be quite honest with all of you, I wasn't quite sure if I wanted to talk to him any further. I credit myself with leaving my past in the past and I didn't really know if I wanted to venture back to high school memories. But the more we typed, the more I thought to myself...how much do you really know about him. How would a relationship work with the guy from Rochester anyway? As we typed, he picked up on my love of Italy and Italian food and we decided to go out that next night...as we are both childless on Wednesdays.
The next thing I know, I was all nervous, sitting in my minivan outside of Villa Dolce. What did I really know about him? Yes, he was sadly picked on in school, but in our school, who wasn't! He was shorter, I rememberred, and had glasses. Well, as I finally got myself to stop nervously texting my sister I went inside to find he had now grown to six feet and now had contacts too. We sat down and started discussing life in person. I really enjoyed being able to relate to our past. He too, met someone in his teens, stayed with her, then married her having two children together. He two, discovered his spouse had met someone else and the divorce process began. He was filled with such empathy and interested in all I had to say. He too, eventually, turned to God for help. He became an active member of his church and you can tell from meeting him, he is living the life of a Christian by example to his children, by the way he loves and cares for his family and the kindness and respect he has shown me any time I have been around him. When he asks how it is he found me again after all these years, I remind him that we never really knew each other back then...nor are we the same person from high school. Hopefully we have grown and learned through our challenges/struggles in life and have grown into stronger, better people.
As we were in another world, enjoying our dinner as well as company, a waitress arrived, followed by the hostess and owners, asking us to please move to the cellar. There had been a tornado reported nearby and a tornado warning was in effect. As we ventured down into the cellar, along with the rest of the visitors at the restaurant, I later found out it was over 200 years old. Not sure what would happen next, we joked about the unopened wine located nearby and turn to our phones to view the news and weather.
Upon returning upstairs, I joked at the check out that our first date will sure be a memorable one. Just as I spoke, the Italian owner came over with his strong accent and said, "Hey, please don't leave have a seat over here and keep talking!" We did have a seat at the small but colorful light-up bar across from the flat screen TV in the entry area, with all the weather updates. The tornado warning may have been expired, but it was really storming still out there and neither of us were in any hurry to go anywhere.
Again, we went off to another place in discussion, only realizing we were still sitting there when we saw the owner turning off the OPEN sign in the front window behind us, as I asked him again, "Do you need us to go?" Then he replied again, "OH NO! You two stay, keep chatting, enjoy yourselves!" Yes the old Italian man must have already seen what we can now see. Something more was there between us.
Following that memorable first date, we texted, IM'd and spoke on the phone on and off all weekend that we spent with our own kids. The following Tuesday, my daughter was out of town with a friend at a water park and then I decided to try bowling. Yes, my friend and I just "happened" to run into each other at the exact same bowling alley with our kids at the exact same time. My youngest son and his two children had a great time as we bowled and then enjoyed lunch. My daughter, on the other hand came home quite upset that his brother got to meet mom's "Boyfriend" as my 9 year old called him and she had not yet! As I texted my new friend this, we decided they could meet when he picked me up on Wednesday for our next date, as her Dad was out of town and I needed to get a sitter. On Wednesday night, we went to The Great Dane for dinner and then to the movie Midnight in Paris, which was playing at Sundance. I should have looked at the box/description closer, as it was not exactly when I expected...and I do thing we were two of the youngest people sitting in the theatre. But the company was wonderful so nothing else mattered. When we were done with the movie, we had a little time before relieving the babysitter. A few minutes out of the parking lot and it comes to him, a surprise he said. The next thing I know, we were sitting outside of Cold Stone Creamery. Looking up at the full moon peaking out from the clouds and talking more about relationships.
Friday night, my new friend made a homemade Italian dinner for me, being half Italian himself, as he had previously pointed out and quite domesticated. I can clean, do laundry and even cook...my speciality is Italian he had stated. I made him my grandma's famous peanut butter pie for dessert. Ironically, he had explained on the phone the night before, that his Step-Mom had loaned him the movie Fireproof and had asked if I had any interest in watching it. Of course! I heard a lot about it too and had wanted to see it. I was a bit surprised and excited by the face he would watch a Christian romantic comedy with me. It was a great movie about marriage and relationships, if you ever care to rent it.
How did I miss, the invitation of him to our Thursday night dinner and trip to the local pool. The kids both had a good chance to talk to Mom's new friend and it went amazingly better than I thought they would.
Finally to Saturday. As he picks me up to head to New Glarus, I am reminded my parents were stopping in town to meet with their landscaper and begin putting up some storage shelves in their home being built in town. SO, after he arrived to pick me up, I asked if we could stop by. We got the official tour and my parents had a chance to meet him. Then onto New Glarus the two of us went. First, we made it to the New Glarus Brewery before the self-guided tours were over. We got a kick out of a lot of the products, signs, etc. Then it was to the tasting room! A very large, crowded and popular place to be! Not to mention the big fountain and outdoor Beirgarten as they called it. After getting our first picture taken together, we headed onward into town. The town's architexture and Swiss decor was a joy to look at as we were on our way to the Garen Shlueb. Here, we had the authentic Swiss Meatballs and New Glarus Beer...only seemed right after touring and tasting it the brewery. After a great and entertaining dinner, we decided to walk around the main streets and do some shopping /browsing. Eventually we made it back and picked up a movie to enjoy together.
Finally we made it to today, Father's Day. We began by meeting his Dad and Stepmother as we worshiped together at their church. Then, after hugging his kids goodbye, I headed over to help my own Dad unload a van full of items to move ahead of time. After he and Mom headed back towards their current home, I met my friend and his kids for dinner and a blast in a nearby park afterwards. What a fun and wonderful end to the rest of the fun-filled weekend! As I told him on the phone tonight, I'll never forget driving off as the three of them, all adorned with beaming smiles and excitedly waving hands and arms drove off towards home the other way.
As my new friend has commented, "How did I ever find you, Lisa"
I have responded, "God. It was his plan, on his time for us to find each other."
His response to that. "Amen Lisa, Amen to that."
Yes, I am now understanding what my friend and coworker meant a few months ago when she was sharing what had been happening in her own personal life. As she said and I'll never forget, "It's a God thing Lisa, I just can't explain it, but I know it is." I can now see where she was coming from.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Good things come to those who wait...
I have always believed the saying, "Good Things Come to Those Who Wait" but that doesn't mean it's easy waiting. As I typed at the beginning of this week, I had joined a new Christian online dating website, with new optimism, as I had only done the free sign up and I was already getting attention. I spent a bit of energy and excitement getting to know one guy earlier in the week, who, by mid-week lost interest in me, I guess is how you'd put it. Wednesday night was a let-down in that regard, but everything happens for a reason, right?
If it weren't for Wednesday night not working out, I wouldn't have been home last night. As my friend called to check in on me on her way out of town, I said I will be fine. As much as I hoped he'd be someone to hang out with, I knew he wasn't the one for me. She said she could sense that from talking to me during the week, but still felt bad. I understand, as it was a beautiful Friday night, sitting out on my deck eating dinner alone. Well, I wasn't really alone, I had a robin, blue bird and cardinal nearby...or yes and a beautiful yellow swallowtail butterfly keeping me entertained. The trees have now filled in enough that it really does feel more private out there now. Even though I'm in town, I have a yard filled with mature trees. In the fall in beautiful and tiresome for all the raking, but right now I am grateful for their shade and privacy. I finished my dinner and sat in the lounge chair I don't think I even used once last summer. I then began reading my book and enjoyed the light breeze through the humidity. It was a little while later that my friend called to check in on me, as I had sent her an email on the sour note the conversations with the guy from last weekend had ended. I explained that in the big picture, it would be okay and was for the best. I was okay.
A little while later, the sun was setting and I headed inside to search again on the Christian dating site...I received a few more "smiles" as they call them and checked in to see who had sent them as well as who had viewed my profile recently. It was then that something in a profile caught my eye...I'm not sure what exactly it was in the summary but he was online then, as the little "IM me" button was flashing, so I clicked it. From then until three something in the morning we typed and typed...IM'd online and then on our cell phones...until finally I said, I have to get some sleep! In the morning, I got up and looked at the pics on his Facebook page again, as we had became Facebook Friends during the course of the evening, and then texted him "Good Morning" to kick off the morning...that was about eight hours ago and we haven't stopped contact for more than an hour since. We have so much in common, which is so fun and nice when you can relate. He is all of five months older than me, has also been through a divorce and actually enjoys reading books! :) He has some of the same authors I have. He has a daughter just a couple years older than my own, who he is a full time dad too during the school year and then she spends her summers with her mom...which as my sister pointed out earlier today, will make for a fun summer for me/us then.
I forgot which comment I was repeated to my sister that she jumped in with the "brownie points" response, but I said he had already earned brownie points for something else. He apologized for having to take his daughter to his niece's birthday party this evening, as he wouldn't be able to talk for an hour or so...which is just fine, as it's giving me a chance to share my happiness on here. We are meeting in person tomorrow for the first time. The only downfall, if you would call it, is that he live about 3 hours away...so we are meeting halfway in the early afternoon. He did comment on how his best friend is dating someone in Madison right now, which right by me, so he could carpool with him to visit me. When I questioned last night about whether he thought a relationship could work from this distance, he made some comment regarding you never know. He's right, I guess you just have to take a chance. With all of the forms of technology these days...between learning about each other through our Facebook pages, IMing, texting and talking on the phone for hours now, we have covered quite a bit of the important stuff and can already get a good sense of his values/beliefs. To hear a man tell me he attends church pretty much every week...and when I questioned, well what would happen if you missed a week...his response was, well I could, but then that next week just hasn't started off in the right way, it's like you are missing out on something. I completely got where he was coming from.
Hmm....maybe good things do come to those who wait...at least a first date finally will. On the river too.
If it weren't for Wednesday night not working out, I wouldn't have been home last night. As my friend called to check in on me on her way out of town, I said I will be fine. As much as I hoped he'd be someone to hang out with, I knew he wasn't the one for me. She said she could sense that from talking to me during the week, but still felt bad. I understand, as it was a beautiful Friday night, sitting out on my deck eating dinner alone. Well, I wasn't really alone, I had a robin, blue bird and cardinal nearby...or yes and a beautiful yellow swallowtail butterfly keeping me entertained. The trees have now filled in enough that it really does feel more private out there now. Even though I'm in town, I have a yard filled with mature trees. In the fall in beautiful and tiresome for all the raking, but right now I am grateful for their shade and privacy. I finished my dinner and sat in the lounge chair I don't think I even used once last summer. I then began reading my book and enjoyed the light breeze through the humidity. It was a little while later that my friend called to check in on me, as I had sent her an email on the sour note the conversations with the guy from last weekend had ended. I explained that in the big picture, it would be okay and was for the best. I was okay.
A little while later, the sun was setting and I headed inside to search again on the Christian dating site...I received a few more "smiles" as they call them and checked in to see who had sent them as well as who had viewed my profile recently. It was then that something in a profile caught my eye...I'm not sure what exactly it was in the summary but he was online then, as the little "IM me" button was flashing, so I clicked it. From then until three something in the morning we typed and typed...IM'd online and then on our cell phones...until finally I said, I have to get some sleep! In the morning, I got up and looked at the pics on his Facebook page again, as we had became Facebook Friends during the course of the evening, and then texted him "Good Morning" to kick off the morning...that was about eight hours ago and we haven't stopped contact for more than an hour since. We have so much in common, which is so fun and nice when you can relate. He is all of five months older than me, has also been through a divorce and actually enjoys reading books! :) He has some of the same authors I have. He has a daughter just a couple years older than my own, who he is a full time dad too during the school year and then she spends her summers with her mom...which as my sister pointed out earlier today, will make for a fun summer for me/us then.
I forgot which comment I was repeated to my sister that she jumped in with the "brownie points" response, but I said he had already earned brownie points for something else. He apologized for having to take his daughter to his niece's birthday party this evening, as he wouldn't be able to talk for an hour or so...which is just fine, as it's giving me a chance to share my happiness on here. We are meeting in person tomorrow for the first time. The only downfall, if you would call it, is that he live about 3 hours away...so we are meeting halfway in the early afternoon. He did comment on how his best friend is dating someone in Madison right now, which right by me, so he could carpool with him to visit me. When I questioned last night about whether he thought a relationship could work from this distance, he made some comment regarding you never know. He's right, I guess you just have to take a chance. With all of the forms of technology these days...between learning about each other through our Facebook pages, IMing, texting and talking on the phone for hours now, we have covered quite a bit of the important stuff and can already get a good sense of his values/beliefs. To hear a man tell me he attends church pretty much every week...and when I questioned, well what would happen if you missed a week...his response was, well I could, but then that next week just hasn't started off in the right way, it's like you are missing out on something. I completely got where he was coming from.
Hmm....maybe good things do come to those who wait...at least a first date finally will. On the river too.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
The first week, if I make it until then. ;)
Meeting people is just one concern. Once you've met someone, then what? What do you build? Nothing, a simple friendship, or more? How do you set smart limits on physical involvement? Financial involvement? Individual responsibilities? -Boundaries in Dating, Henry Cloud
Good questions. You meet someone. Now how much do you invest? How much time and/or energy do you allow yourself to spend thinking about the possibilities? How do you just go with it?
It begins. You start get a couple emails/texts and you begin IMing. It's all safe, fun and exciting, nothing to worry about, no expectations, just excited to have someone interested in chatting with you. The next step...the phone. This is your next baby step in getting to know each other. As other friends of mine know, that can actually make a difference. It's amazing what you can tell from another person's voice. Not just what they are saying but how they are saying it, how deep or high, if you find it annoying or enjoyable to listen too. It sounds silly, but yes this does matter. Then as you are talking, you may find yourself worrying about what you are saying, or more than likely, after you hang up. When you email or text someone, you can hopefully have time to think before you type, although I have been as guilty as anyone of typing as thoughts were coming to me instead of processing them first. Yes, I did it even today. I suppose I am human.
Eventually that first conversation has to end. Tired, exhausted, if you stayed up too late chatting like I had, you enter into a new day. What just happened? You find yourself questioning. In twenty four hours I went from not having a male interested in me, today I have a possible date coming up. Am I ready for this? Will I miss this up, or rather how will I this time? In and out of your day these thoughts seem to pop up. What is he thinking about me, about all of this...these float through your mind too. I haven't even seen him in person yet, we haven't really met yet, why should I be thinking about it so much...
It's the possibility of something that is both exciting and if you allow it, makes you a bit vulnerable or anxious. Looking back over that next day of texts, exchanging Facebook addresses, etc, he says, "No regrets and don't worry..." If only he knew me I thought.
It's been three more days of talking, texting and IMing. He is getting a glimpse of me and I have him. He is extremely open and honest. Which is good, but he's also discovering I'm anxious and worrisome, not all the time, as he's pointed out...I go in spurts. I commented, maybe we'll balance out then. But inside, I wonder how long he'll put up with me. "Why do you worry about such things?" he asked me earlier. That is a good question. Why do I? I told him I think it happens sub-consciously to some effect. "It's all good, just relax about things that's all..." he said later. I completely agree. I need to relax about things. I don't want to scare him away when we are still in the first week of getting to know each other. Why do I do that? Again, I am not wanting too, not trying too..."Try not to overwhelm me and don't worry so much about things."
That sums me up, entering a new relationship, or a potential one, or whatever you would call it at this point.
My attitude was/is that I am not going to put any pressure on anything. That if it turns into something, great and if not, just enjoy it while it last. I even entered the second or third day was it, wondering why I even am considering entering into anything with anyone again. Why would I be setting myself up to be hurt? But that is just it, I'm not "setting myself up" if I don't force myself to plan out the rest of our lives. I don't have to and really shouldn't even be worrying if we would make a good couple, how we would turn out six, months a year or so down the road...why not cross that bridge if we get to it and just make it through the first week.
A couple times while we were chatting and he was talking about what I felt like, was stereotypical men and women behavior, I pointed out or reminded him that we are wired differently and we both agreed that is just a part of the equation. It's true that you really have to find the right balance when you are starting off in a relationship and there is really no formula for that. There is no right answer as to when you should text or how often. When you should email or instant message, or when you should be doing other things, giving each other space. How much is too much and how little is not enough. Add into this that you are excited and want to talk to and learn more about that other person, yet don't want to come across as over-zealous. Who me?! ;) Okay, yes sister, if you are reading that would be a description of me to a tee.
I have found, as excited as I am to learn more about a new person in my life, part of me is more nervous about what will come of it, not worried this time whether or not we'll end up together as husband and wife, honestly I can't see that far ahead in my life with anyone at this point. I am just trying to make sure I am looking at the relationship or potential one from every angle. I guess, trying to figure out how I messed up in the past and make sure I don't do it this time. But when I find myself doing thing, I try and snap myself out of it, as in the past, it truly was timing or truly was not meant to work out. You can't know that going into something new. You just have to enjoy the time you can text, email, message, talk or see each other and live in the present. Taking one day at a time. If you can both stand each other the next day, well, then that's probably a good sign.
I don't know what tomorrow, Wednesday night or next weekend will bring, but I have to continue to remind myself, I was doing pretty darn well before he appeared in my life and will continue to do so whether he calls, texts, or whether we spend time together or not. It would be a bonus if I could find someone new, him or otherwise to enjoy life with, but if not, I will be okay too.
Good questions. You meet someone. Now how much do you invest? How much time and/or energy do you allow yourself to spend thinking about the possibilities? How do you just go with it?
It begins. You start get a couple emails/texts and you begin IMing. It's all safe, fun and exciting, nothing to worry about, no expectations, just excited to have someone interested in chatting with you. The next step...the phone. This is your next baby step in getting to know each other. As other friends of mine know, that can actually make a difference. It's amazing what you can tell from another person's voice. Not just what they are saying but how they are saying it, how deep or high, if you find it annoying or enjoyable to listen too. It sounds silly, but yes this does matter. Then as you are talking, you may find yourself worrying about what you are saying, or more than likely, after you hang up. When you email or text someone, you can hopefully have time to think before you type, although I have been as guilty as anyone of typing as thoughts were coming to me instead of processing them first. Yes, I did it even today. I suppose I am human.
Eventually that first conversation has to end. Tired, exhausted, if you stayed up too late chatting like I had, you enter into a new day. What just happened? You find yourself questioning. In twenty four hours I went from not having a male interested in me, today I have a possible date coming up. Am I ready for this? Will I miss this up, or rather how will I this time? In and out of your day these thoughts seem to pop up. What is he thinking about me, about all of this...these float through your mind too. I haven't even seen him in person yet, we haven't really met yet, why should I be thinking about it so much...
It's the possibility of something that is both exciting and if you allow it, makes you a bit vulnerable or anxious. Looking back over that next day of texts, exchanging Facebook addresses, etc, he says, "No regrets and don't worry..." If only he knew me I thought.
It's been three more days of talking, texting and IMing. He is getting a glimpse of me and I have him. He is extremely open and honest. Which is good, but he's also discovering I'm anxious and worrisome, not all the time, as he's pointed out...I go in spurts. I commented, maybe we'll balance out then. But inside, I wonder how long he'll put up with me. "Why do you worry about such things?" he asked me earlier. That is a good question. Why do I? I told him I think it happens sub-consciously to some effect. "It's all good, just relax about things that's all..." he said later. I completely agree. I need to relax about things. I don't want to scare him away when we are still in the first week of getting to know each other. Why do I do that? Again, I am not wanting too, not trying too..."Try not to overwhelm me and don't worry so much about things."
That sums me up, entering a new relationship, or a potential one, or whatever you would call it at this point.
My attitude was/is that I am not going to put any pressure on anything. That if it turns into something, great and if not, just enjoy it while it last. I even entered the second or third day was it, wondering why I even am considering entering into anything with anyone again. Why would I be setting myself up to be hurt? But that is just it, I'm not "setting myself up" if I don't force myself to plan out the rest of our lives. I don't have to and really shouldn't even be worrying if we would make a good couple, how we would turn out six, months a year or so down the road...why not cross that bridge if we get to it and just make it through the first week.
A couple times while we were chatting and he was talking about what I felt like, was stereotypical men and women behavior, I pointed out or reminded him that we are wired differently and we both agreed that is just a part of the equation. It's true that you really have to find the right balance when you are starting off in a relationship and there is really no formula for that. There is no right answer as to when you should text or how often. When you should email or instant message, or when you should be doing other things, giving each other space. How much is too much and how little is not enough. Add into this that you are excited and want to talk to and learn more about that other person, yet don't want to come across as over-zealous. Who me?! ;) Okay, yes sister, if you are reading that would be a description of me to a tee.
I have found, as excited as I am to learn more about a new person in my life, part of me is more nervous about what will come of it, not worried this time whether or not we'll end up together as husband and wife, honestly I can't see that far ahead in my life with anyone at this point. I am just trying to make sure I am looking at the relationship or potential one from every angle. I guess, trying to figure out how I messed up in the past and make sure I don't do it this time. But when I find myself doing thing, I try and snap myself out of it, as in the past, it truly was timing or truly was not meant to work out. You can't know that going into something new. You just have to enjoy the time you can text, email, message, talk or see each other and live in the present. Taking one day at a time. If you can both stand each other the next day, well, then that's probably a good sign.
I don't know what tomorrow, Wednesday night or next weekend will bring, but I have to continue to remind myself, I was doing pretty darn well before he appeared in my life and will continue to do so whether he calls, texts, or whether we spend time together or not. It would be a bonus if I could find someone new, him or otherwise to enjoy life with, but if not, I will be okay too.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
How do you trust?
There's a reason I said I'd be happy alone. It wasn't because I thought I'd be happy alone. It was because if I thought I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It's easier to be alone, because what if you learn that you need love, and then you don't have it. What if you like it, and lean on it; what if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart. Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It's like dying. The only difference is, death ends. This, it could go on forever.
-Meredith Grey on Grey's Anatomy
Funny how as I listened along and typed the ending quote from last night's season finale, I would never have thought, in my entire life, that I would type the words I'd be happy alone. Alone was the exact opposite of where I wanted to be. I never wanted to be alone. I didn't like feeling alone. I found no joy in being alone. Why would anyone ever make a choice to be alone. I could not conceive, comprehend or any logic to go along with that statement.
Then life happened. Now, I sit here today, rereading the statement and completely understand. I still don't think we were meant to live alone on this planet. We are relational beings. We crave contact, to connect with others. We need others for support, comfort, to be there for us. To celebrate the good news and help us get through the bad. In addition, we need to feel apart of something, where we are valued, wanted, needed and loved. There is only so much self-talk one can do to pick themselves back up when they are down. We need other people to truly be okay in this life.
The idea of letting someone in. Completely trusting, having faith and confidence in them. Believing that they will always be there for you, always love you and never leave you. This concept, while it sounds like the making of a great story or movie, I don't see how I can believe in it right now. You can never be sure as to how something is going to work out. People change, or rather life changes and people react to change in ways that you don't always plan on, understand or want them too.
Trust. That's a challenge. Trusting yourself, your instincts, your gut, your own personal radar...I don't know how or why people do it anymore. How do you trust another person, knowing people are human, they error, they will mess up, they will make mistakes.
I too, have made and as a part of being human, will make mistakes again. How can someone love me when I am who I am. I misinterpret things, I hear apparently, what I want to hear at times or perhaps see things as I want to see them. How do I know when I am truly being honest with myself and others?
How does it work? Allowing someone back in. How do you find someone or rather how do they find you? I will not "shop" on match or any online site, or have my picture and profile read like a catalog ad. I am continuing on living my life. Making the most of what I have and trying not to notice any greener grass on the other side, as I know it's not. Everyone has problems they are dealing with. If it's not finding a person to share your life with, it's challenges in the relationship. If the relationship is going well, it's a job that is being lost, or someone has become ill. Life gives us challenges. Every single day there is something that changes, something we must deal with. How do we trust that things will be okay?
-Meredith Grey on Grey's Anatomy
Funny how as I listened along and typed the ending quote from last night's season finale, I would never have thought, in my entire life, that I would type the words I'd be happy alone. Alone was the exact opposite of where I wanted to be. I never wanted to be alone. I didn't like feeling alone. I found no joy in being alone. Why would anyone ever make a choice to be alone. I could not conceive, comprehend or any logic to go along with that statement.
Then life happened. Now, I sit here today, rereading the statement and completely understand. I still don't think we were meant to live alone on this planet. We are relational beings. We crave contact, to connect with others. We need others for support, comfort, to be there for us. To celebrate the good news and help us get through the bad. In addition, we need to feel apart of something, where we are valued, wanted, needed and loved. There is only so much self-talk one can do to pick themselves back up when they are down. We need other people to truly be okay in this life.
The idea of letting someone in. Completely trusting, having faith and confidence in them. Believing that they will always be there for you, always love you and never leave you. This concept, while it sounds like the making of a great story or movie, I don't see how I can believe in it right now. You can never be sure as to how something is going to work out. People change, or rather life changes and people react to change in ways that you don't always plan on, understand or want them too.
Trust. That's a challenge. Trusting yourself, your instincts, your gut, your own personal radar...I don't know how or why people do it anymore. How do you trust another person, knowing people are human, they error, they will mess up, they will make mistakes.
I too, have made and as a part of being human, will make mistakes again. How can someone love me when I am who I am. I misinterpret things, I hear apparently, what I want to hear at times or perhaps see things as I want to see them. How do I know when I am truly being honest with myself and others?
How does it work? Allowing someone back in. How do you find someone or rather how do they find you? I will not "shop" on match or any online site, or have my picture and profile read like a catalog ad. I am continuing on living my life. Making the most of what I have and trying not to notice any greener grass on the other side, as I know it's not. Everyone has problems they are dealing with. If it's not finding a person to share your life with, it's challenges in the relationship. If the relationship is going well, it's a job that is being lost, or someone has become ill. Life gives us challenges. Every single day there is something that changes, something we must deal with. How do we trust that things will be okay?
Friday, May 20, 2011
You Are More
It's time. I am not ready to fall asleep yet, I'm not sure what I am suppose to say, but I know it's time to type. The season finale of Grey's and Private Practice has played out, unfortunately I missed the quote. I will search it down tomorrow, as it was in reference to why we often choose to be alone, or feel that being alone is easier. How, if we dare to let love in, we risk the chance of having it and losing it, which is one of the worst things in life, perhaps worse that death, as with death it's final. With a broken heart, you must keep going, somehow. But tonight, I'm not feeling a broken heart, I am agreeing with the fear or thought that trying to love again. I'm sure I'll be back on this topic once I have the quote from Grey's finale, onto Private Practice. This show doesn't have a final, summarizing quote as Grey's does, but there was a comment, concept that really stood out to me in this show tonight. It was "selfishness". One of the main characters told his wife she was being selfish. Why did this bother me so much, as she was, I agree with his comment. I think it's the fear that I too am being selfish in my life. I truly aim in life to be less selfish, hoping I am not being conceded and I am often stepping back and reflection on myself wondering why I become this way. Is it part of human nature? What I have a challenging time with, is separating having self-confidence, a strong self-esteem without becoming arrogant, conceded or selfish. I want to help others, make a positive difference in the world, be a better person, but not so that I get credit for it.
As I finally turned off the TV and sat here staring at the screen, the lyrics of song came into my mind and I wasn't exactly sure why, but I began my search online to quote them for you...
You are more than the choices that you've made
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes
You are more than the problems you create
You've been remade
'Cause this is not about what you've done
But what's been done for you
This is not about where you've been
But where your brokenness bring you to
-Tenth Avenue North
I've heard this song listening to Life102.5 many times lately on the radio driving to work, or running errands and it really has stood out in my mind. I don't know that I have done anything in particular that I regret. I have regretted saying things that I should have kept to myself, as I truly don't like to gossip or speak negatively about other people. I wasn't into drugs, gambling, or any other dangerous things in my past that I need forgiveness for, that I need to be remade from.
Yet, today, driving into the past, I felt as though I had been remade. I was driving to visit a friend, who lives in the house next door to where my ex husband and I built our first home. It's for sale now and her husband joked that I could buy it and move back! I don't drive into that town very often, not that anything bad happened there, ironically, it was where I lived when I got married, as we moved in the month before. It was were we brought home our first kitten, puppy and two years after our first child. I looked out of the garage, while we were talking and noticed the maple tree, which my parents gave me as a gift, grown so full and beautiful. It was 13 years ago now, but it seems like just yesterday that I was out back planting flowers when my friend had come home from the hospital with her baby girl and I couldn't get over there fast enough to hold that now 11 year old in my arms. No, we moved out of this home, into a much larger one, in the school district I had taught in, when things really changed. It was still challenging at first, driving on that street or even entering the small town, when the divorce first happened. I was so worried about what people thought of me, what people had heard. Not today though. Today, I drove calmly and confidently to visit a friend. I have been changed.
Two days ago, I was making good use of the sunshine I had between getting home from work and my children returning home on the school bus, working on the front yard landscaping, when the eighth grade girl who lives across the street came home on her bicycle. She pulled up to the curb as I asked her how she is doing and she asked me the same question. I honestly chimed in with a content "really well actually". We chatted a bit more, about her starting high school in the fall, her plans for this summer and then I tried to go back to getting a bit more weed pulling and plant/flower planting done. As I worked and later as I reflected on our brief talk, I was taken back by the way I had responded to her. I think I have been truly enjoying working on my gardens, flowers, taking pride in my home and enjoying time in the fresh air. It has given me another or a different thing to focus on while life is changing in ways I can not control. I can see the progress I am making and have control over it when I can't control other things. Last year I just didn't have the positive energy to put towards any of it. I wanted to move, to find a man to marry and start a new life with, somewhere else. A place where I didn't have the memories of being broken into, of police cars while exchanging my children. I didn't want the shame I was feeling that I was this single mom in a neighborhood of happily married families. I didn't want the looks...well, in hindsight, I think any looks or comments were probably imagined by worrisome me. I didn't want the driveway that needs repairing, the lawn that's not up to par, the garage door that won't open or old fashion oil burning furnace that needs filling. I didn't want to be judged.
Perhaps I had been selfish. Thinking that I was so special that others were taking time to comment, complain or talk about me. They didn't even know me, really still don't, but why did I think they were judging me. Or was I judging them? Why do we do this? I spent so many weekends, most of them last summer, when I didnt' have my kids away from this house as much as possible. I didn't want people to see me alone, or question what I was doing. I didn't want to have to deal with any of it, so if I just escaped...to bookstores, or coffee shops, I could make it through the weekend. What a way to live is that? I have a house, an entire house to myself and I feel ashamed? It's amazing how your mind can mess you up.
I didn't need a prince charming to come take me away to someplace better. I didn't need an escape plan. When I did need is to be remade. To sit, to stay, to be here and see it's okay. In fact, it's better than okay and I am better than just okay. I have made it officially 2 years since my divorce was final and four years this September living on my own, providing a home and many great memories during that time. I am a better person, I have been remade. I have learned that it's not about what others think of you. You can not change anyone else's opinion or view. Really, why should it matter? All I care about, is providing the best example, being the best role model for my children. Showing them by example, to do the right thing, make the right choices-even when they are extremely challenging. I am living a life I believe in. I am working at a church, helping to share God' love with children. I am working with preschoolers, to help them learn how to love, respect and work together. I am leading camps and directing a mid-week ministry to help share lessons of important lessons such as the fruits of the spirit. Helping children see, as well as parent volunteers and myself see that hope is alive. That having faith, while rather difficult at times, it will get you through. I grew up with a basic understanding of religion. We went to church, somewhat regularly, but I didn't live life the way I do now. I was born with a very strong conscious, one that has driven me crazy at times in life, but now I see it was a gift. My strong feelings, whether deep in worry or so full of joy, as intense as they can be, they too are gifts. I didn't learn about the fruits of the spirit myself until this past school year while we were teaching it to the kids through art projects and catchy songs, but what a life lesson to learn. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness and self-control as they are listed. These are what I should care about. I shouldn't be worrying about how others are viewing me. I should be spending my time making sure I am exhibiting these qualities in my own life, so that they will in turn, be echoed by others.
In the show tonight, one of the characters was trying to comfort another, by sharing the quote, "...grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference." I know this quote well, as it is hanging up on a sign in my home. Apparently I don't read it or take it's message to heart enough, or maybe in the past I didn't. As I go to bed tonight, I know there are so many things I can not change, but at least I am aware of some I can. I can be more grateful for the life, home, friends, children, pets and job that has been given to me. I have been remade and I am blessed.
As I finally turned off the TV and sat here staring at the screen, the lyrics of song came into my mind and I wasn't exactly sure why, but I began my search online to quote them for you...
You are more than the choices that you've made
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes
You are more than the problems you create
You've been remade
'Cause this is not about what you've done
But what's been done for you
This is not about where you've been
But where your brokenness bring you to
-Tenth Avenue North
I've heard this song listening to Life102.5 many times lately on the radio driving to work, or running errands and it really has stood out in my mind. I don't know that I have done anything in particular that I regret. I have regretted saying things that I should have kept to myself, as I truly don't like to gossip or speak negatively about other people. I wasn't into drugs, gambling, or any other dangerous things in my past that I need forgiveness for, that I need to be remade from.
Yet, today, driving into the past, I felt as though I had been remade. I was driving to visit a friend, who lives in the house next door to where my ex husband and I built our first home. It's for sale now and her husband joked that I could buy it and move back! I don't drive into that town very often, not that anything bad happened there, ironically, it was where I lived when I got married, as we moved in the month before. It was were we brought home our first kitten, puppy and two years after our first child. I looked out of the garage, while we were talking and noticed the maple tree, which my parents gave me as a gift, grown so full and beautiful. It was 13 years ago now, but it seems like just yesterday that I was out back planting flowers when my friend had come home from the hospital with her baby girl and I couldn't get over there fast enough to hold that now 11 year old in my arms. No, we moved out of this home, into a much larger one, in the school district I had taught in, when things really changed. It was still challenging at first, driving on that street or even entering the small town, when the divorce first happened. I was so worried about what people thought of me, what people had heard. Not today though. Today, I drove calmly and confidently to visit a friend. I have been changed.
Two days ago, I was making good use of the sunshine I had between getting home from work and my children returning home on the school bus, working on the front yard landscaping, when the eighth grade girl who lives across the street came home on her bicycle. She pulled up to the curb as I asked her how she is doing and she asked me the same question. I honestly chimed in with a content "really well actually". We chatted a bit more, about her starting high school in the fall, her plans for this summer and then I tried to go back to getting a bit more weed pulling and plant/flower planting done. As I worked and later as I reflected on our brief talk, I was taken back by the way I had responded to her. I think I have been truly enjoying working on my gardens, flowers, taking pride in my home and enjoying time in the fresh air. It has given me another or a different thing to focus on while life is changing in ways I can not control. I can see the progress I am making and have control over it when I can't control other things. Last year I just didn't have the positive energy to put towards any of it. I wanted to move, to find a man to marry and start a new life with, somewhere else. A place where I didn't have the memories of being broken into, of police cars while exchanging my children. I didn't want the shame I was feeling that I was this single mom in a neighborhood of happily married families. I didn't want the looks...well, in hindsight, I think any looks or comments were probably imagined by worrisome me. I didn't want the driveway that needs repairing, the lawn that's not up to par, the garage door that won't open or old fashion oil burning furnace that needs filling. I didn't want to be judged.
Perhaps I had been selfish. Thinking that I was so special that others were taking time to comment, complain or talk about me. They didn't even know me, really still don't, but why did I think they were judging me. Or was I judging them? Why do we do this? I spent so many weekends, most of them last summer, when I didnt' have my kids away from this house as much as possible. I didn't want people to see me alone, or question what I was doing. I didn't want to have to deal with any of it, so if I just escaped...to bookstores, or coffee shops, I could make it through the weekend. What a way to live is that? I have a house, an entire house to myself and I feel ashamed? It's amazing how your mind can mess you up.
I didn't need a prince charming to come take me away to someplace better. I didn't need an escape plan. When I did need is to be remade. To sit, to stay, to be here and see it's okay. In fact, it's better than okay and I am better than just okay. I have made it officially 2 years since my divorce was final and four years this September living on my own, providing a home and many great memories during that time. I am a better person, I have been remade. I have learned that it's not about what others think of you. You can not change anyone else's opinion or view. Really, why should it matter? All I care about, is providing the best example, being the best role model for my children. Showing them by example, to do the right thing, make the right choices-even when they are extremely challenging. I am living a life I believe in. I am working at a church, helping to share God' love with children. I am working with preschoolers, to help them learn how to love, respect and work together. I am leading camps and directing a mid-week ministry to help share lessons of important lessons such as the fruits of the spirit. Helping children see, as well as parent volunteers and myself see that hope is alive. That having faith, while rather difficult at times, it will get you through. I grew up with a basic understanding of religion. We went to church, somewhat regularly, but I didn't live life the way I do now. I was born with a very strong conscious, one that has driven me crazy at times in life, but now I see it was a gift. My strong feelings, whether deep in worry or so full of joy, as intense as they can be, they too are gifts. I didn't learn about the fruits of the spirit myself until this past school year while we were teaching it to the kids through art projects and catchy songs, but what a life lesson to learn. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness and self-control as they are listed. These are what I should care about. I shouldn't be worrying about how others are viewing me. I should be spending my time making sure I am exhibiting these qualities in my own life, so that they will in turn, be echoed by others.
In the show tonight, one of the characters was trying to comfort another, by sharing the quote, "...grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference." I know this quote well, as it is hanging up on a sign in my home. Apparently I don't read it or take it's message to heart enough, or maybe in the past I didn't. As I go to bed tonight, I know there are so many things I can not change, but at least I am aware of some I can. I can be more grateful for the life, home, friends, children, pets and job that has been given to me. I have been remade and I am blessed.
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