Choices

Choices.  How to respond to life.  It's hard it's it?  I was journaling on Saturday, all excited about the book I had just read, about the sun in the sky and the ambitions I had for the weekend.  I chose to make the best of my weekend without my kids and continued on the day being quite productive, while enjoying all the work I was getting done.  I woke up this morning, greeted by the sun and head off to enjoy the day.  When I sat down in church, I was joined by a family and more kids in front of me, to keep me playing smile back at me games and looking at toys and colorings they did during the service.  I felt like I was spending time with a big family.  The service ended and I was greeted by hugs of wonderful friends, others came up to me and chatted.  Not being from a large family, I can't say for sure, but it felt like I was sure apart of one.  I was excited to continue on running errands, stopping to read some more of my latest book, ironically on the ups and downs of single motherhood.  Ironically, because the quote on the first page of the, which I wrote into my journal, is so appropriate right now.  I planned to type up my journal entries tonight in my blog.  Showing how well things were/are going.  How I have been staying optimistic again and strong through my time in the wilderness, as one book puts it.

"Life as a single mother is like a Minnesota March.  There might be glorious days of sunshine and warmth, turbulent and troublesome stretches of unpredictable weather, and cold and lonely times when it is tempting to crawl back into bed and pull a heavy comforter over your head to keep the world at bay." pg 1 Sing Your Own Song: A Guide For Single Moms by Cythina Orange

Yes, my day was filled with sunshine and warmth, actually most of my weekend was, until after dinner.  I finished my broccoli and cauliflower and decided to take some leftovers in to my daughter's guinea pig in her room.  As I went in and dropped the food in the cage, I discovered him not hiding in the little blue igloo as he usually does when someone enters her room, he was laying in the front corner of the cage.  I knew from the moment I laid eyes on the still lifeless creature that something was wrong.  I started calling out his name, "Nibbles!  Nibbles!", like that was going to help!  Sure enough, he was not moving.  His bowl was almost overflowing full of food as my daughter had filled it a couple days ago and when she left on Friday for her Dad's she double checked to make sure it had water.  As often happens, I keep her door shut when she is gone, both in order to not view the mess that may be in there, as well as to not have her stuff remind me of her and make me sad that she is not here.  I am not sure when it happened or why, but Nibbles is no longer alive.  I realize now, that I had never seen a dead animal before.  It was a very uncomfortable feeling and then I realized I had to get him out of here so she wouldn't come home and see him like this.  But then, I thought to myself, wait, if I dispose of his body and my daughter wants to see him one last time...I decided I would call her, share the news and see what she'd prefer.

Now, if you know anything about my ex and I, we do not call each other.  The harassment restraining order I had against him ended this past summer and I have not renewed it yet, but our contact in mainly through texts or emails still.  So I texted him so see if I could speak with Allie.  He questioned why, that they were just starting a late dinner and he could have her call me later.  I texted back, it's about her pet.  I tried calling and he wouldn't answer.  Then a text or two later, she called.  I explained that Nibbles wasn't alive anymore...she had figured that out though before we began talking as she was already crying.  I said I didn't know if she wanted to see him one last time, or if she'd rather have him gone when she comes back tomorrow morning.  She wanted me to bury him in our backyard and then never ever have to move from this house again.  I said we can talk about that later, but I will take care it.  When she was done on the phone her dad spoke, questioning if I was blaming her for not taking care of the guinea pig, saying that too much responsibility to put on a nine year old.  That she feels bad enough and he sure hopes I wasn't tell her it was her fault.

I got off the phone started feeling guilty, upset, not sure what to do next.  I moved the cage with the poor little guy down to the garage...I worried about burying him in the yard, as it will be a constant reminder and she will be sad every time she sees wherever it is I do this.  Not to mention my fear of my two dogs digging him up someday.  I decided to call her back and to make sure she understood that she did not do anything wrong, that it was just his time to die.  I also explained that I was going to put him in a shoebox for now and then I or we could take it in to the pet store we got him from and they could find out what killed him.  Or at least they could dispose of him for me, I figured, or rather I hoped.  We talked about it and then talked about a few other things over the weekend and about the first day of Spring Break tomorrow, about swimming with friends in the afternoon.  She had stopped crying and I was feeling as though she was doing better when we got off the phone.  Then, as I hung up, I discovered my ex was texting me while I was speaking to her.  Excuse the language, but he began, "Could u possibly make it any worse on her?  Way to go!  My god I so don't miss thay shit!"  My response was, "What did I do to make it worse?  I explained that he hadn't been eating and that it was not her fault."  He continued, "Well she is a train wreck and crying and you intentionally did that during my time with the kids on purpose so u didint' have to do it! Evil!!!"  Seriously?!  "Whatever.  She wasnt' worried before you called.  Nice going 'mom'" he continued, "Yes! U could have waited till ur turn with the kids! Don't worry I will take care of it and comfort her so u dont' have to."
My mistake here is that I kept responding..."I WANT to be with her right now!  I dont' have nay control of when a pet dies!  I guess you are right, I shouldn't have thought you could help, 'dad'.  It's not a natter of taking care of it either, grieving is a process."  Yup, I didnt' need to respond because that only caused him to..."My god once again u try to twist it around.  I have it under control so u dont' have to deal with it.  Go on disability as its easier.  Ask ur folks.  Government income!  How easy it is!  Twist it around like donna ( my old lawyer) tried to do.  Look where that got ur folks for doing that!"

I said, "Again, a pet dying has nothing to do with my parents." Then I said, "I will go print this out with all the other texts and emails where you continue to harass me.  "Yep and what will u do with that what u call "Harasse" which u spelled wrong?  Show that u can't spell and want to be a teacher?  Nice and good luck."

At 8:09 I ended my responses with "I'm done with this tonight."  Yet this did not end things on his end.  "Of course u are u already spread ur venom and damage here.  Ur so innocent I want to puke.  I am so scared of ur printer I can't even talk about it.  Keep in mine (Donne should of told u) that the worst u can do is cause me to lose my job, then u lose ur income called "Child support".  So go for it.  I'm sure u dont' use any of the "child support" toward ur house payment and other bills since it is only for the kids!  If u get disability then u can go to Disney, Hawaii and lots of other vacations for the "disabled" not to mention awesome parking!"

The messages finally came to and end.  For tonight that is.  I called a close friend who has been through all of this with me and she was able to remind me that I am allowing his comments to get to me and that I am stronger than that.  That she and I both know I am a wonderful mom and instead of him being able to step up and be there for my daughter, he was texting all of this to me.  I responded, I know I shouldn't have let him get to me, but I didn't know what to do.  Her pet had died and she wasn't here, I guess I should have waited to tell her.  I don't know.  I am doing the best that I can.  She told me she would not have entered her daughters room either and she is old enough to take care of a pet herself.  That I didn't do anything wrong and that (apologizing first) that my ex is just an ass.  At the time, I tried to pull myself back together and refocus on things.  She reminded me that he expects them to fend for themselves when they are there quite often, and that me not checking in on a pet of my daughters for one day is nothing to feel bad about.

I realize now, after having a little time to process, that it was ridiculous of me to even respond to any of his texts.  I know better.  My friend reminded me to stick with only answering a text if it is about my children being sick or hurt.  As for the harassing, I questioned whether it's worth going to the police again, as I was crying to her, pointing out that my ex-fiance left me primarily because he had too much control of my life and was just going to damage his as well.  I think maybe my friend was right in saying that I should go into the station tomorrow and show them the texts, explain that he is still doing this, but also explain that I have no money to hire a lawyer and see what they suggest I should do next. 

Choices.  Life is all about choices isn't it.  Whether or not to call and tell your daughter her pet died, whether to persue another restraining order.  Yes, sadly some choices are not fun to make.

Greiving Sucks

Well, it's true, it's it?  Greiving, crying, feeling pain, lonely, empty.  It's not fun.  Muffling the sobs and drying off the tears so your kids won't wake up and see you cry.  As they are enjoying a campout in the family room, I am not enjoying the peace of them asleep so much...as it's not peaceful in my mind tonight. 

Nothing happened...well nothing that should bring on tears more than any other day in my life.  That's just it with grieving, you can't control when it will come back, what will trigger it.  For me, it's having time again.  Time that's not over consumed with plans, parties, holidays, events.  Time when conferences are done, a sport season has ended, the state of the house/laundry/etc. is somewhat under control and I have time to relax and breathe and enjoy life again for a bit.  But that's when it can be the hardest.  When life slows down and you have to just be.  You have to calm your mind, clear you head, reflect on the past few weeks or months and say now what. 

I had a free hour before an appointment today and I did would I would normally love to do...I planned to go pick out a new book and treat myself to lunch, or at least a coffee.  I spent the entire time wandering...at first at books, titles, concepts...."Life After Divorce"..."A Purpose Driven Life"..."Be Happy Again"...nope, no thanks...tried all of those in that section...healthy eating-feels pointless these days, style and fashion-who is going to notice...I slowly stared at the titles wondering, why?  Why even read any of these books...I have read more self-help, empowering, look to God, look inside yourself, laugh, smile, start over books...it feels like I've read them all.  So now what. 

I go to my appointment then back home to my life, where I hear about my kids day at school, enjoy the somewhat warm weather at the park with them and the other neighborhood kids, eat dinner, plan and see out a fun campout in the familyroom, complete with sleeping bags and stuffed animals all around.  Then they go to sleep and here I sit.  With my computer on my lap and surfing on Facebook, then the internet.  Now what?

I reflect back on the high from Wednesday night...getting all sorts of positive attention from guys at the bar/restaurant a couple friends and I went to.  I went home so excited.  People like me...rephrase that GUYS still like me!  I was so wanting that attention again and that high from that attention when I got up and headed off to work the next morning.  I thought...when can I get back there again?!  But really, I didn't just want the attention, I wanted to be wanted again.  Not by a 24 year old guy, flattering as it was, but by a man who wants to IM with me when my kids go to sleep on a Friday night, or spend my next "kidless" evening next week with me.  I want someone to share my fears and worries about my future employment, as I can carry on that I have faith that God will provide and come June I will have a job/health insurance, but on a dark, quite Friday night, it's challenging.

I know, I have friends, AMAZING friends, who may read this and be upset that I didn't pick up a phone and call them.  But they all have their own lives, their own stressors, worries, concerns and really, as I said previously, nothing happened.  I am just lonely and at the current moment wish I could see just one positive glimpse into my future.

I realized today that it's been three months since I last saw my ex-fiance.  Since I had a date, kiss, attention from a man.  I realize it doesn't seem that long, but during the first year after my divorce was finally over,  I was constantly searching on Match, or talking with friends about single guys they know...I was driven, I was on a mission to make sure I wouldn't miss out on my chance to find "The One"...I was so convinced it was all about effort, all about putting myself out there, getting to know as many people as possible...that my commitment to finding "The One" would work.  Well, it worked, in terms of finding a relationship...someone who even proposed to me...but since that ended, I realized that wasn't the way to go.  It was not the way to live.  I was putting too much pressure on myself and on any relationship I attempted to form. 

I know now that I can't go looking for "the one", I can't hunt down a person to love me or to fall in love with.  I realize being that desperate or putting that much hope in another person is only setting me up to fail, to get hurt.  I learned through living.  But now I'm scared to again.  I'm scared now, as I have put it in God's hands.  I am at a point where I realize that it's true, you don't NEED a man, you don't have to have someone else to complete you.  I dont' have to find a new "better"/"different" dad for my kids to have as a role model.  They are doing amazing well with me. 

But sometimes, you just want to feel loved, wanted and needed and not just by those amazing kids and friends in your life.  Spending a Friday night, with tears rolling down your face...it's just not how I wanted to live.  Who wants to be alone?  I realized when I was married, I spent many nights crying myself to sleep, alone as well.  I realize we all have nights...married, single, divorced, widowed, that we cry ourselves to sleep.  I just wish there was something I could do to prevent it.  I suppose it's part of being human, grieving over our past or what we thought we had...but that doesn't make it more enjoyable.  I guess the title tonight sums it up.  Grieving sucks.

Pi and More

Tomorrow is Pi Day, 3.14.11. In honor of this date, the Madison's Children's Museum is discounting their admission to 3.14 for the day. A very, Lisa-like line of thinking as a friend commented yesterday after sharing my new discovery. Pie seems to be a theme this weekend, as Friday night, I attended our church's First Annual Chili Cook-Off and Pie Auction for the senior high youth mission trip this summer. The turn out was amazing and it was so wonderful to see so many familiar faces together to support their ministry. I was also excited, of course, to see my pie, my Grandmother's Peanut Butter Pie recipe, sell for $35! Grandma will be proud. I was just proud that i finally tackled the recipe that I had never had the courage to attempt in the past. It turns out, it was not as challenging as I thought it would be.

Isn't that the way life works though? Things you are nervous or scared to take on, on your own, if or when you do face them, they turn out to be much less intimidating than you had originally anticipated. Which takes me back to two weeks ago, when I left this same coffee shop to go home and face my looming light. The light fixture in my kitchen had been broken for over a month. I didn't know who to have fix it and was scared to find out how much it would cost me to get it fixed. It was a constant physical reminder that I didnt' have a husband or man in my life to fix it for me.

Finally, I got the courage to face the light-literally, wearing rubber soled shoes and standing on a wooden chair to reduce the risk of electrical shock, as the Internet suggested to do. I had stopped by the store and got a ballast that needed replacing...as the high school boy who sold it to me said, "Sure, you could do it yourself." It was time, all four fluorescent bulbs removed, circuit breaker flipped to off, time to remove the metal covering and face the wires. I did, making a couple of phone calls to find someone to reassure me I really could cut the existing wires to remove the old ballast, get it removed. Honestly, I think I was also wanting someone out there knowing I was doing this so if I did electrocute myself, I wouldn't be laying there dead for too long.

I twisted and capped all twelve of the wires, put everything back in place, flipped the circuit breaker back on and prayed that it would light. I flipped the switch and....nothing. Noticing the setting sun, which I didn't have much time to work on this still, and the rising frustration growing in me I tried again. Looking closer, I discovered one cap had come off as the wires were coming untwisted. So I tightening all the caps again, closed everything up and....it worked! I did it! I jumped up and down, doing my dance of joy as my dogs watched in amusement. It was an intense sense of pride, joy, accomplishment, that I can create light, I can fend for myself, I will survive!!!

I decided to post my great achievement on facebook, wanting to shout it from the rooftops at this point, Lisa can take care of herself, despite the opinions of my ex and parents! I eventually crawled down off the ceiling, down from my high, yet enjoyed the comments that were posted of my good news. My favorite, was of a friend who said, "Great Job! Now can you come take care of ours? It's been broken for two months and I can't get my husband to fix it!"

Indeed, I went to work that next morning with a smile on my face, which changed to a wide array of emotions over the past two weeks that followed. It seems that life continues to put waves in my path, some days larger ones than others. First, hearing from a friend, that he got hurt at work and was in the burn unit of the hospital for a few days. Visiting him there, was a different experience, as it was right next to the cancer center and sitting in the waiting room for a few minutes (as he had a doctor that needed me to step out) brought things into perspective as to how good I do have it right now. Healthy kids, family and most of my friends. Then the next day, my parents share the news that their house sold and indeed they are building a house only miles from my place and if that didn't add enough stress to my life, my ex husband began his annoying/stressful emails and texts. So much for my pride, joy and excitement. Life just can't stay calm with smooth sailing very long now can it?

The most recent, yesterday was a bit of a puzzle. My children were to attend their end of the season basketball banquet. It was Saturday morning and I was just about ready to leave, as their Dad texts me, asking if I had left yet...as he was feeling sick and wanted me to come pick them up...in the opposite direction...meaning we will be walking into an auditorium late. I said yes, what choice did I have...and as I was driving rather quickly to the banquet, the kids were talking about Kathy, Dad's friend who stayed over last night. I questioned, are you sure she stayed over, as I didnt' see a car in the driveway. "Oh no Mom, when you were coming to get us, she moved it over in front of Jeff's house." my daughter quickly replied. Of course she did.

The banquet was wonderful and the kids just loved it. I am sure glad they were able to attend, regardless of how they got there. Then I took them back to their Dad's place, noticing the extra car still parked across the street as I dropped them off. Their Dad was standing in the doorway, wearing a tee shirt and shorts, wrapping himself in a blanket, leaning over as he was too sick to stand up straight. I drove away, glad I didnt' have to deal with him anymore, yet concerned about my kids. About an hour later, I finally texted him, questioning if he still planned to take my son to the birthday party at the bowling alley he was looking forward to attending. He responded, no. I then texted back, asking if he was feeling well enough to take care of the kids...knowing I had friends coming over to scrapbook for the afternoon in less than an hour, worried as to how he was about to answer. He said yes, but he wasnt' leaving the house at all. So there I sat, not feeling much better after texting him. Knowing my son was missing the party and my daughter was not going to be going to get the goldfish bowl and fish food for the new pet she had won the night before as her dad had promised her.

I felt worse, thinking of Friday, when she called me in the afternoon, from her school's office in tears. She said her tooth hurt, that it was lose now and she didn't want to go to Dad's for the weekend because she was scared he was going to do the string on the doorknob thing! I dont' even want to hear him teasing me about it, she continued. I calmed her down saying I would contact him and make sure he wasn't going to and tried to find out what else was going on and she calmed down enough to go back to class after I said I'd pick her up from school so we could talk more then. In the mean time, I emailed my ex from work and explained her fears. He claimed he hadn't mentioned that trick since last summer and though she must really be upset about something else (yes, I figured that too)...and though it must be the Girl Scout Carnival that night, he thought she must not want to go. I discussed that with her when I picked her up and she excitedly started telling me how even more friends she knew that would be there too. Then she questioned if Daddy really had to take her, couldnt' I? She was worried he woudlnt' know where to go and would bring her late or just wouldn't take her at all. I said I would check with him and sure enough, he said it would be fine if I dropped her off. Then, on the way there she was upset realizing her brother was going to be using the X-Box and DS at Dad's without her, that he might ruin her games and began crying. I explained on the ride to the carnival, that Dad wouldn't let him ruin anything of hers. "Of course he will, he loves him more! He had lunch with him today because he's the Super Star this week and didn't come eat with me when I was the star a couple weeks ago!" Well, she had a point there. I mentioned her telling her dad how she felt and she replied, "Mom, I told him and he said he will sometime soon, but I dont' believe him. I told him to come to our last couple basketball games and he wasn't at those!" The tears continued until we finally made it to the school. She started seeing all sorts of friends while we waited in the registration line and quickly cheered up again. I gave her a hug and let her go off with her troop as I left, a half hour late now for the Pie Auction, but glad I was able to be there for her.

Life is not fair. It's not fair for a nine year old girl, with or without divorced parents. It's not fair for a six year old son and it's not fair for a divorced mom in her mid thirties. It's a good thing there are friends and pie out there to help us through it!

I smiled today.

It's snowing today and most who live in Wisconsin right now would probably be saying this with a grumble in their voice as we are ready for spring...green grass, birds chirping and buds to reappear on the trees. But this morning, after my daughter's basketball game, as I was about to reenter my snow covered minivan, I looked at my door handle and smiled.

There were piles of beautiful, unique, individual snowflakes. They were the kind were you can actually see that the saying is true, "No two snowflakes are alike." The kind of snowflakes that really do land on your nose and eyelashes and land like glitter on your gray sweater and black gloves. Truly amazing. I am so glad I am at a place today, where I can enjoy, simply notice and appreciate the beauty of snowflakes today. I haven't been at a place to appreciate gifts in nature lately.

Life has been, shall I say challenging? Starting the year off realizing my relationship as well as engagement was over, I did make it to a place where I realized it was for the best and am back at a place that I am doing well on my own again. Then, less than a month later I have two sick children. Housebound for most of the week, the one evening when my kids went to their dad's, I went into work to discover, due to financial issues at church, they have cut hours on six positions, mine being one of them. Only ten hours were cut, but that ten hours means no insurance after May. So much for being glad I got out of the house. I spent the rest of the week as home caring for sick kids and trying not to become sick with worry and stress myself. The following week, as I returned to work, the Director of the Preschool job I took on this year, met with me and expressed her disappointment with my attendance last week at work. I explained to her, what she already knew, that I am a single mom, with no family around to help and had kids with a fever of 103, I couldn't leave them. She continued on upset and after leaving, I spoke with others at work pointing out I had to stay home and they then pointed out her treating me this way was not legal and I have every right to stay home with a sick child. I am pretty much over it, yet am wondering if I really want to work for a person who treats people in this way.

So February arrives, my employment future unclear, no relationship in site and it's time for Valentine's Day. Perhaps I should take a step back in case you haven't read my journaling before, that I am one of the biggest romantics out there...alone again this year on the holiday to celebrate love. Fortunately, Valentine's Day landed on a Monday and I had my kids with me. I had decided earlier that I was going to through a party on Valentine's Eve to celebrate the wonderful friendships in my life this year and then ended up having my daughter's birthday party on Valentine's Day after school as well. Needless to say, I had no downtime to focus on the lack of love in my life this year, which is exactly my intention from the start.

So, in true Lisa form, I over planned, became a bit overwhelmed, but had a great time with my friends and my daughter claimed her celebration was "awesome". Onto mid-February and the media. If you turn on any TV, pick up a newspaper or even log into Yahoo or Facebook, you'll see images and read stories about the protests at the state Capitol. Trying to help balance the state budget a huge cut in the salary of state workers/nurses/teachers pay through making them pay for health care and pensions and more importantly putting an end to unions. We hit National News last weekend with over 70,000 people protesting and impressively without one arrest. Many people I know are being deeply affected by this. I was and may in the future, be a public school teacher and currently have friends that are feeling the stress and fears impacting their lives. Today, I have friends downtown standing up for the teachers, nurses and many others. I have been asked to join them, yet coming from a non-political family, I just don't feel comfortable going down their, especially alone. I also have coworkers at church that are on the opposing side of all of this and at times it gets to be a bit stressful and overwhelming with it all going on.

As I took my kids down to my parents yesterday, to celebrate my dad's 65th birthday, my Mom-a retired teacher-and I briefly spoke about all of this, as they no longer live in the state and are missing much of the news coverage. I pointed out the sad fact that 20 teachers in our school district were forced to retire due to the intense changes about to be made. My mom, almost excited, pointed out that there will be a much better chance of me getting back into teaching this fall then. She was assuming that now that my son is in school, of course I'd leave my low paying church job to go back to what I got my college degree for. Only, last night I spoke with my friend currently teaching, who pointed out that there is a good chance all of the teachers in town are going to be receiving pink slips unknowing how many will be rehired or what will happen. I don't want to be viewed as taking a job from someone else, nor do I have any clue what I will be facing going back into education after this bill passes as it appears it will. It's a scary out there in the work world.

Then there is the lack of responsibility my ex-husband has been putting towards our children. Today is the first time in the past two weeks that he has taken our children. First, he did not take them on his Wednesday night due to coming back late from an out of state work meeting. Then this past Wednesday, I had a text saying he was running late at work, then another, until finally he said I should just keep the kids for the night.

This morning, I awoke to a call from him, explaining that our son didn't want to go to basketball, which was odd as he was excited yesterday an the past six weeks...he talk to him again and then text me to let me know. No, he didn't go this morning, I explained to my friend, while I sit on the empty bench above her at my daughters game. About 15 minutes into her game, he appeared walking around the court to the benches with both my son and daughter walking slowly in front of him. As they were getting closer, my friend commented that they were not wearing shoes, then "Oh, no and Allie's crying". As they got to where I was seated, he explained that the kids forgot their shoes back home. I got up right away and walked hand in hand with my daughter over to the assistant coach and explained that she did not have shoes, but I would go out in the lobby and look through this week's donation for the Clothes Closet and see if I could find some and had her sit down by her team. Thank you Lord, there were shoes out there in her size and she was able to play in the game...not only did she play but made a basket this week as well. As I came back to sit next to my son on the bleachers, my ex-husband returned and thanked me for finding her shoes and I noticed he had went and got my daughter's DS. So as I watched and cheered on my daughter, my son and ex-husband both sat next to me, playing video games. Oh well, at least she was able to play.

In summary, life at the end of February, life the past few months has been, well I suppose challenging is the best word for it. Somehow, through self-help books, morning motivation/devotional readings done at night, through friends and prayer I have made it to today.

Before I end today's entry, I should mention something that made me smile this past week. As I was reading through facebook postings one evening this week, a friend I graduated from high school with, who was divorced a year before me, has posted recently about his search for his soul mate, was asking the question, "How do you rock a women's world? No not in bed!" I began by commenting that it depends on the women. As others game their advice ti came out that things were not going well and he was trying to find something to wow her. I pointed out that "if she was really your soul mate, just being you should WOW her." I continued reading responses as he soon commented back, "Lisa, it's not the same, as easy as ten years ago..." Like I needed him to point that out to me! HA! I responded, "Spend your time and energy on things you enjoy. Find your own happiness and that's when it will happen." What happened after this amazed me..."Whoever Lisa is, she's right!"; "Lisa must be very smart"...and after he said, "I have had very good luck in my life of telling the world my problems and doing what people tell me to do...Facebook makes that so much more dangerous and very entertaining" In closure, I replied to him, "Yes, but when it come to relationships, you really should believe in yourself/your gut/intuition or whatever you want to call it. Deep down you'll know the right answer, you many hate it...but you'll know."

I smiled when I logged off and closed my laptop that night. Regardless of all that has been happening in my life, I am learning, growing and actually, for once-taking me own advice.

What a Week

Wow, what a week it has been. Off of work due to sick kids and when they were with their Dad, Wednesday night, I went in and found out they are cutting one of my positions at work, 10 hours of my current 37, no longer allowing me to get my health care/benefits as of May.

After dropping off my crying, ill daughter and my recovering son at their dad's this evening I kept driving. I wasn't sure where I was going at first, I just knew I wasn't ready to go home. It's very difficult to leave your kids for a weekend when they are sick. When you want to cuddle, care for and just be there for them but you can't, it's not easy. I was also a bit tired out from doing nothing but that for the past four days. I needed a break from being at home, from thinking about life and I headed into Madison for a movie. I had a free ticket to use and now was the time to do it.

I decided to go with the most recent romantic comedy, "No Strings Attached" as it was getting great reviews...best date movie of the year and the modern version of When Harry Met Sally...wait a minute, how could I be old enough for that movie to need or have a modern version!

The movie was good, entertaining and I was enjoying it, laughing out loud with the rest of the people in the theatre, until it starting hitting a nerve I wasn't prepared for tonight. When the leading man asked the leading women out on a 'true date' as they phrased it, my heart began to sink...when would I get to go on a true date again...and then she questioned, THIS FRIDAY? Valentine's Day?...it hit me. Valentine's Day really is right around the corner. I am single, dateless, not even on match.com or looking. I too could understand why the leading lady was resistant on having a relationship on the fear of feeling that pain when or if it ends. I am tired of feeling that pain. I am tired of getting my hopes up that this date will be 'the one', of waiting for phone calls or text messages. I am tired of opening up and sharing my feelings, my life, caring, giving and not receiving. I am tired of worrying if or when will I meet this man I am truly meant to be with. I am tired of worrying what others are thinking of me, not being remarried, engaged or dating someone, as if that means there is something wrong with me. I am tired of feeling bad that there is not a fourth person seated at our breakfast or dinner table, that my kids don't have an example of parents caring/loving each other to show them how a marriage can work. I feel bad that I don't have a husband at the soccer or basketball games cheering on the kids with me. I feel that I am letting them down in someway.

So I am done searching. I am done looking around every bookstore or coffee shop, done looking on match or anywhere else. Ok, fine I am not ignoring men around me, just no longer searching or obsessing about it. I don't like the person I was becoming. I want a person to meet me, get to know me and love me for me...my creativity, quirks, faith, celebrations of holidays and life...love me for me. I want someone who will hang in there in good times and bad. Who truly wants to make a relationship work, to be in my life, my kids life, for the long haul. I realize I have baggage, don't we all? I want to learn from them, teach them and grow together. Am I asking for too much?

Well, I am not as at peace and content as I was the last time I blogged, but I am still keeping my faith. I am praying to God, remembering that he has a plan for my life, one that I don't understand all of at this point, but I know that I am in a better place than I was a few years ago, so just imagine where I can be in a few years from now. I am trying to stay calm and remember to trust in him, for healing my kids, helping me figure out what is next for me in my work, and for him to bring to me the one I am truly to be with, when it's the right time.

Between Games

It's amazing what a good night's sleep can do for one's perspective. Saturday morning and I was up at sunrise, to go watch my son play in his first basketball game. Kindergardeners playing basketball, as one women near me commented, "It's like watching someone herd cats!" as she laughed. The best part was watching the excitement on the children's faces. They were so proud to be out there on a real court, playing in the game. It was well worth getting out of bed hours before I normally would have.

Another game coming up for my daughter at noon, so what to do between games, drink coffee and read/journal of course! It was a great feeling to see so many familiar faces this morning as well. I felt right at home and was so happy to see smiling preschoolers and other children I knew from other ministry work. To feel like you belong, what a blessing.

Last night too, I went alone to the Women's Ministry Event at our church. I really didn't know anyone who was going to be attending, but was still glad I went. From guided mediation, crafts and a a chocolate fondue fountain...it helped, of course, that I won a door prize. It was nice to be around other kind women, reminders that they too came and left their worries at the door, or at least some of them wrote them down and placed them in the basket. I, personally, didn't want to use up all their slips of paper, but saw enough in there already to be reminded that I am not the only one there with challenges.

During the guided meditation, she spoke of the seasons of the year, of life, reminding us of the circular cycle of things. We were reminded that in the winter months, we tend to be closed in, faced with hours of darkness and more often time to dwell more on our troubles. A comment was made about the berries and buds held in on the trees, waiting to reappear, to sprout anew in the spring ahead in our life. How seeds or bulbs are stuck in the cool earth, waiting to feel the warmth of spring reappear and help them grow again.

Kind of like my life in some aspects. I'm staying indoors this a bit more this winter, spending time in books and my thoughts, trying to learn and grow and prepare for what is next in my life. I guess in my personal life as well as the present moment, I truly am between games.

Last night as I tried to focus on the small path the cars in front of me were making in the unplowed snow, a bit stressed driving in the latest Wisconsin snow-event, my phone lit up and made a sound that a text arrived. Who would be texting me at almost ten on a Friday night? It was my friend, who yes, is a guy. Yes, I have always argued that men and women can't be just friends, but for now, I'll willing to take a new perspective on this notion. As I really am not feeling the desire to have a relationship with him like I had in the past. It's just nice to have his texts or responses now and then. To know I have a friend of the opposite sex. I honestly no longer feel upset or sad that I'm not engaged or that I'm not in a relationship with anyone right now. I am not feeling that desperate need to be searching, to be ultra-aware of my surrounds, in the worry that I won't notice that guy I am suppose to watch out for and meet.

I've come to a point where I'm actually not concerned that I won't have a Valentine for Valentine's Day and am totally okay with that. For the first time in the past few years, I'm not feeling a bit of resentment or anger at the stores for their graphic displays of hearts, love, pink and red colors. I am feeling okay with it all, at peace with the fact that I am single and doing well!

I have amazing children, a wonderful job where I am appreciated, the most caring friends and a church family which makes me feel like I truly belong. I am learning and growing about myself as a person, beginning to work on my art and writing again. I am being open and honest with myself about what I eat, how much I exercise, how much sleep I get, how I spend money, working at paying off my debt and not creating more, and about my perspective about each day and experiences during it. I am writing in my daily gratitude journal again and continuing on my quest this year, for finding joy within myself each day.

The past few years have taught me that apparently I am still desirable or lovable to some men out there. I also learned that when I get married again or enter into a long term relationship, it's going to be out of true gut feelings that it's right. I am now at the point I don't need to rush into a relationship to prove anything to anyone anymore, or to myself for that matter. I wont' be questioning things all the time, as I wont' need to. If I am really with the man I was meant to be with, I will just know. I get that now. Apparently I needed the past experiences to get me to this point. A little broke, but not too worn for the wear, I have made it to today.

Feeling a new, but good feeling, secure. Don't worry, I'm well aware this feeling will fade at times, as it has been coming and going lately. But I am going to enjoy it while I do feel it. This past week I was appreciated by the kind words of parents of those I teach, by my daughter's teacher when I volunteer and I told her, "it's just so nice to be wanted." To have a job, volunteering experiences and the opportunity to be a mom all met with praise this past week, felt so good.

New Years 1-1-11

It was 11:11 on 1-1-11 and many who know me, know how I am with numbers. So what do I happen to be doing at this time? Trying not to cry. After waiting all day to find out if we were going to exchange our Christmas gifts, I finally gave up waiting for a response to a text or for a call. I had just watched the Badgers lose in the Rose Bowl, and to quote my sister's text "That sucks!". Yes, it did, well at least for the Badger fans watching. So I got up and decided I have to do SOMETHING and started taking down the Christmas decorations. It had to be done sometime, just do it Lisa. Well, I did and wanted to start crying as it all happened so fast and now I also felt that not only the holidays were over, but it was feeling more and more like any chance of our relationship coming together would be over soon. I held back the tears and kept packing. Just hoping, wishing that one day I would have a man with me to share in the holidays with my family and I as well as picking up after the holidays and recalling the good memories. Hope, I tried to pack up all the ornaments and remember it is a new year and so wanted hope, tried to hang onto it.

Finally, I finished, got into my flannel PJs and sat down to post on Facebook my accomplishment of the day. That was when I got the call. Yes, I was almost nervous to answer it. I was both mad that I hadn't heard back from his since 11 something New Years Eve, thinking he was coming home today and we'd be celebrating tonight together and glad that he was finally calling. Well, he was on his way home from his friends house. Had been there all afternoon and evening...as I questioned, did you think that I might have been trying to contact you, as you said you'd be probably coming home today? He left his phone in his truck and finally I asked point blank, I don't understand what I'm suppose to think anymore, you say that you got me a Christmas gift, that you want to see me, be friends, that you still care about it and yet I feel like I'm being avoided. He explained that nothing has changed in the past three weeks since he called off the engagement, that he still doesn't know where he's going to work, if he's going to be moving; that my ex is still who he is and my financial situation is still the same. I am aware of that, I said so what does that mean for me? I'm suppose to give up hope? I don't understand how you can just ignore the feelings, you keep saying you love me, yet? He claims he feels like the horses ass here but it's him, I can't do anything about the situation and the situation hasn't changed and he has tried to stay friends, but it's not fair to be to string me along as he just knows it's not going to work as things are now.

So be it. What else could I say? He said he will give me a shout later and still has a Christmas gift he wants to give me when he's back in town. Yah, not looking forward to that right now.

Ok, breathing better now. Glad this new OWN, Oprah Network is on because I just had to refocus on something else. My dogs were starting to look at me crying with concern.

I knew though, deep down when I talked with close friends, I sensed it was going to end and I just didn't want to admit it. I had to face reality someday, why not New Years day, I guess. As a close friend of mine said back a couple months ago after he proposed, you shouldn't just think he's the one, you should just know. She was right, I didn't want her to be, but deep in my gut, I suppose I knew. Having someone kneel down on one knee and propose to you, even after a month and a half, a great month and a half at that, it was well, overwhelming and honoring to know that he loved me so much and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. But in reality, I should have known, it wasn't enough time to really know each other. Yes, the honeymoon period was wonderful, but you do have to go through some rough times together as well. Sadly, another lesson I didn't want to have to live to learn from, but I did.

So now, knowing and recently reflecting with a friend and how far I have come this past year, I am remembering she said, "You can view last year as a year of stepping stones, great strides to what is to come." I guess she's right. I have come a long way since last New Years Day, I have learned a lot, but still have a ways to go. I can only hope I don't have to start next year knowing that a relationship is over.