Well, it's true, it's it? Greiving, crying, feeling pain, lonely, empty. It's not fun. Muffling the sobs and drying off the tears so your kids won't wake up and see you cry. As they are enjoying a campout in the family room, I am not enjoying the peace of them asleep so much...as it's not peaceful in my mind tonight.
Nothing happened...well nothing that should bring on tears more than any other day in my life. That's just it with grieving, you can't control when it will come back, what will trigger it. For me, it's having time again. Time that's not over consumed with plans, parties, holidays, events. Time when conferences are done, a sport season has ended, the state of the house/laundry/etc. is somewhat under control and I have time to relax and breathe and enjoy life again for a bit. But that's when it can be the hardest. When life slows down and you have to just be. You have to calm your mind, clear you head, reflect on the past few weeks or months and say now what.
I had a free hour before an appointment today and I did would I would normally love to do...I planned to go pick out a new book and treat myself to lunch, or at least a coffee. I spent the entire time wandering...at first at books, titles, concepts...."Life After Divorce"..."A Purpose Driven Life"..."Be Happy Again"...nope, no thanks...tried all of those in that section...healthy eating-feels pointless these days, style and fashion-who is going to notice...I slowly stared at the titles wondering, why? Why even read any of these books...I have read more self-help, empowering, look to God, look inside yourself, laugh, smile, start over books...it feels like I've read them all. So now what.
I go to my appointment then back home to my life, where I hear about my kids day at school, enjoy the somewhat warm weather at the park with them and the other neighborhood kids, eat dinner, plan and see out a fun campout in the familyroom, complete with sleeping bags and stuffed animals all around. Then they go to sleep and here I sit. With my computer on my lap and surfing on Facebook, then the internet. Now what?
I reflect back on the high from Wednesday night...getting all sorts of positive attention from guys at the bar/restaurant a couple friends and I went to. I went home so excited. People like me...rephrase that GUYS still like me! I was so wanting that attention again and that high from that attention when I got up and headed off to work the next morning. I thought...when can I get back there again?! But really, I didn't just want the attention, I wanted to be wanted again. Not by a 24 year old guy, flattering as it was, but by a man who wants to IM with me when my kids go to sleep on a Friday night, or spend my next "kidless" evening next week with me. I want someone to share my fears and worries about my future employment, as I can carry on that I have faith that God will provide and come June I will have a job/health insurance, but on a dark, quite Friday night, it's challenging.
I know, I have friends, AMAZING friends, who may read this and be upset that I didn't pick up a phone and call them. But they all have their own lives, their own stressors, worries, concerns and really, as I said previously, nothing happened. I am just lonely and at the current moment wish I could see just one positive glimpse into my future.
I realized today that it's been three months since I last saw my ex-fiance. Since I had a date, kiss, attention from a man. I realize it doesn't seem that long, but during the first year after my divorce was finally over, I was constantly searching on Match, or talking with friends about single guys they know...I was driven, I was on a mission to make sure I wouldn't miss out on my chance to find "The One"...I was so convinced it was all about effort, all about putting myself out there, getting to know as many people as possible...that my commitment to finding "The One" would work. Well, it worked, in terms of finding a relationship...someone who even proposed to me...but since that ended, I realized that wasn't the way to go. It was not the way to live. I was putting too much pressure on myself and on any relationship I attempted to form.
I know now that I can't go looking for "the one", I can't hunt down a person to love me or to fall in love with. I realize being that desperate or putting that much hope in another person is only setting me up to fail, to get hurt. I learned through living. But now I'm scared to again. I'm scared now, as I have put it in God's hands. I am at a point where I realize that it's true, you don't NEED a man, you don't have to have someone else to complete you. I dont' have to find a new "better"/"different" dad for my kids to have as a role model. They are doing amazing well with me.
But sometimes, you just want to feel loved, wanted and needed and not just by those amazing kids and friends in your life. Spending a Friday night, with tears rolling down your face...it's just not how I wanted to live. Who wants to be alone? I realized when I was married, I spent many nights crying myself to sleep, alone as well. I realize we all have nights...married, single, divorced, widowed, that we cry ourselves to sleep. I just wish there was something I could do to prevent it. I suppose it's part of being human, grieving over our past or what we thought we had...but that doesn't make it more enjoyable. I guess the title tonight sums it up. Grieving sucks.
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