| “At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. It's like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And it's not so important happy ever after, just that its happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you , and once in a while people may even take your breath away.” | |
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Yes, faith is a funny thing. A year ago I was applying to teaching jobs, this year I have a stronger sense of faith that there is something else out there I am meant to be doing. No doubt working with children and teaching in some capacity, but I am blessed with a job that has flexible hours, that I can minister to children of all ages through teaching at a Christian Preschool two days a week, connect with parents of birth through preschool families through play groups as well as spend one night a week during the school year working with K-5 children and their families. On top of this, I can be there to co-lead Girl Scouts, Cub Scouts and go on an occasional field trip with my children. I can direct summer camps, yet still run my children to basketball and cheer leading, or watch coach pitch or gymnastics. I am blessed in so many ways. Maybe I can't relate with the last line in the quote above, as I don't have the person in my life to take my breathe away right now, but if I live on faith, not by sight, I do believe when the time is right he will appear. After attending the first grown-up movie since January, last night, The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel Ever, I was reminded not only that we all are fighting battles in our own lives, but it doesn't matter your age, there is always hope and a reason to be optimistic about tomorrow. As was quoted many times throughout the movie, so much so that a women behind me told her friend she has to start using that one as the movie concluded, "Everything will be alright in the end...if it's not alright, it's not the end!" I told something similar to my lawyer a couple weeks ago when I last met with him. We were leaving his office and I joked to him about writing a book about all this someday...to which he replied, "If you do, make sure you let me write the forward!" I told him he'd better watch what he says, as I may just take him up on that...that I have been journaling throughout this process and friends have suggested I create a book...only I can't do it yet, as I have chapters ahead of me that are not yet written. I sat in my Pastor's office about a month ago, questioning out loud if I was doing the right thing, staying here even though I know I could be applying to go back into the teaching world, which would help me make ends meet better...but as I continued, I explained that I still feel that it's not the right time, that if I go back now, I'd be giving up on starting up art classes, on creating more of my own art, or the idea of writing a book. A year ago, when I said those goals or dreams of mine out loud, I felt silly, childish, like a dreamer that needed to wake up to reality. I am a single mom, with bills to pay, I shouldn't be thinking of my own dreams in that way right now. But this year, it felt different. The path life has taken me on, I feel like there is more I should be doing, but just haven't put my finger on exactly what it is. I told my pastor, as he knows, I have been reading and researching about the concept of the Holy Spirit this past year and am trying to pray to God, trust in his plan for me from here, but I just can't quite see it yet. His response was a story of when a man was waiting for an answer from God and claiming he couldn't see it, when God had it all right there in front of him, he just needed to take the first step and begin...okay, I admit it's 1:00 in the morning here and I know I left something out of that, but the point was, he said I need to take the first step, to try something and see how it goes. So that is what I am doing. That day, in the lawyers office, I also began to hopefully see some light in justice system. I was coming in to prepare for another long and undesired De Novo hearing to determine if I still would have full placement of my children for now. I found out that the lawyer had spoken to the GAL and that as of the night before, neither of them thought there was a need for the trail as he already agreed that thing should stay as the Court Commissioner stated for now, the only part that I wasn't prepared to hear is that I had to pick one of my ex's three choices for the supervisor to be present for placements. I did, with a list that my lawyer and I came up with of expectations for the visits and a few days later I heard there would be no trail. Still, I heard nothing about him having a visit until the last day of school. Ironically, I didn't have anything planned that night, as we had plans the next night, on Friday to celebrate...and before I knew it, I was taking me kids for their first three hour supervised visit. The kids were, of course, excited to see their dad, as they hadn't since January. Myself, I was happy that they were able to see that he was okay, yet had nervous feelings as to what comes next. Things went well for the visit and the GAL had seemed extremely grateful for both the short notice and my flexibility with everything. He said he really wanted them to have had a visit before they meet with him this coming week. Yes, as a part of this upcoming week of summer, means I have to take my children to the court house to have them each interviewed one on one with the GAL and Case Study worker. I am not worried what will happen, just wish they didn't have to do this. At least it will be done with. Then, I meet again with them both, without my children in July before a final placement document is drawn up. Again, I don't have much faith in the legal system after how the past almost five years now have went, but I am taking it day by day. As it's all I can do. One more quote from the movie last night, "India hits you like a wave. If you resist, you will be knocked down. But it you dive into it, you will be all right." Yes, I guess the pass year or few years have definitely hit me like a wave, but I have learned to float along in it and I am hoping the shore is in the not too distance future. |
Monday, June 11, 2012
Faith and The Wave
Sunday nights, they still get me. Even when the children have no school, as we begin summer vacation tomorrow. Maybe it's the teacher in me, knowing a new week will begin tomorrow, regardless of how I'm spending it. No matter how exhausted I am, the adrenalin kicks in on a Sunday night, after the kids are in bed, the news is done. Tonight I found myself productive at least, researching websites to see what programs on Art Ministries for children exists out there in the world. I also stepped back into my past and reread the Wisconsin's Art Education Standards and Curriculum. Yes, that's me, researching all my bases for setting up my program, before designing my brochure. On top of that, catching up on the original season of Grey's Antonym that plays at 11:30 on Sunday nights. The ending Meredith Grey quote tonight just seamed a little too fitting for me today...
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Joy.
Over the past few years I have been on quest for finding joy. Prior to that, it was for happiness. I think I read almost every book on the market on how to be happy for awhile there. Then, I discovered that happiness if fleeting...it comes from something. Joy, on the other hand is something that comes from within. You don't need to have, see or do anything to obtain joy. You can't buy it, it is free for those who desire it. It is a gift from God.
As our Pastor was preaching on the topic of joy today, he brought to question what we really know about joy. He brought up the point that some people don't feel they should be filled with joy with all the hurt, suffering, pain, destruction, war, etc. going on in the world. I don't remember the exact words, but I do remember him explaining how God has given us joy to help us through the hard times. That with joy, we know that God is there through the struggles and will bring us through them to feel an even deeper understanding of this joy.
Ten years ago, my first Mother's Day, my daughter turned three months old and we celebrated her baptism. A day filled with so much joy for so many reasons. But today, seeing my daughter sing in front of church, my son hugging me from the seat beside me, was entirely deeper, stronger, intense form of joy I experienced. I believe it is true that the struggles, the hardships, the challenges in our lives, we grow stronger living through them and appreciate the good days even more.
Two days ago, our beagle passed away. As I held her furry, soft body one last time in the vet hospital, I said a prayer of thanks so God for bring her to me, for the joy she has brought to my life over the past 12 1/2 years. She was my first dog, brought home at 8 weeks old from the retired teacher's farm in a town nearby. She was there for the birth of my daughter, my son, through the divorce, she held strong, loyal and full of love. Then, we brought home, adopted our second dog, who passed away only two months ago. They became friends, brother and sister, big dog and little dog. I realized, after my children left the exam room with my parents and I was left alone with her one last time, my children haven't know life without her. She was truly a gift of joy in my life. As my son said, there at the vet, "At least she can see Jake again and play with him in heaven now."
Life is not easy, know one ever said it would be. Thursday morning, I had to spend the morning going through a court ordered co-parenting class required by the state (since it had been more than three years since I had sat through it), as we are back in the Case Study Program. This coming Friday I have to meet our new GAL (Guardian at Litem) and explain once again, the story of my current life/situation of my ex husband and kids. The Court Commissioner ruled that I have full placement and that my ex husband has a three hour supervised visit once a week, although we have yet to find anyone willing to be the supervisor so that has yet to begin. We are also to go under investigation of a GAL to determine if more time is to be allowed. As expected, the next day papers were filed to go back to court under the judge, a "de Nuvo" hearing as my ex disagreed with the ruling. Now, on June 5th, we go through this all again, proving once again that it is not a safe environment for my children to enter. I am not looking forward to this Friday, or the 5th of June.
Wednesday afternoon, I pushed through my backyard's extra high grass, with the engine killing twice, as the grass had just grown too tall for the mower to handle. As I was facing the last section of the yard, I discovered that a wheel was broke, yet pushed on through, knowing it would be the only time I had this week to get this done. Some days you just have to push on through, with a three wheeled mower, or an evening when you have to put down your dog and say that last I love you.
Pushing through these times, surviving those moments of sadness, anger, frustration, I am able to do it with the help of God. Each night when I share a few moments one on one with each of my children, we thank God for the day, for our family, friends, pets, we ask for help if we have friends that are in need and thank him for the great events that day or week, we ask him to help us stay healthy and safe and to have a great day tomorrow. Some day it's longer than others, each day though, I am reminded, that despite all the challenges that have seemed to come my way, I am still incredibly blessed.
This morning, when I walked into our church, I was greeted by a hug, then another, and another. By the time my parents (visiting our church to see my daughter sing for Mother's Day), children and I walked out, I think I was so filled with joy I was about to burst. I was reminded with hugs, kind words, smiles and chats with children, that I am beyond blessed. I have an incredible family, support system not only within the walls of the church, but through kind messages and thoughts on Facebook, emails, and texts.
In the past ten years, since my first Mother's Day, I have learned more about life than I could possibly type about in a blog entry, but most importantly I have learned how to have faith in God, to know that he is always there as my rock, to bring me through the hard times and to give me hugs through others on this earth along the way.
As our Pastor was preaching on the topic of joy today, he brought to question what we really know about joy. He brought up the point that some people don't feel they should be filled with joy with all the hurt, suffering, pain, destruction, war, etc. going on in the world. I don't remember the exact words, but I do remember him explaining how God has given us joy to help us through the hard times. That with joy, we know that God is there through the struggles and will bring us through them to feel an even deeper understanding of this joy.
Ten years ago, my first Mother's Day, my daughter turned three months old and we celebrated her baptism. A day filled with so much joy for so many reasons. But today, seeing my daughter sing in front of church, my son hugging me from the seat beside me, was entirely deeper, stronger, intense form of joy I experienced. I believe it is true that the struggles, the hardships, the challenges in our lives, we grow stronger living through them and appreciate the good days even more.
Two days ago, our beagle passed away. As I held her furry, soft body one last time in the vet hospital, I said a prayer of thanks so God for bring her to me, for the joy she has brought to my life over the past 12 1/2 years. She was my first dog, brought home at 8 weeks old from the retired teacher's farm in a town nearby. She was there for the birth of my daughter, my son, through the divorce, she held strong, loyal and full of love. Then, we brought home, adopted our second dog, who passed away only two months ago. They became friends, brother and sister, big dog and little dog. I realized, after my children left the exam room with my parents and I was left alone with her one last time, my children haven't know life without her. She was truly a gift of joy in my life. As my son said, there at the vet, "At least she can see Jake again and play with him in heaven now."
Life is not easy, know one ever said it would be. Thursday morning, I had to spend the morning going through a court ordered co-parenting class required by the state (since it had been more than three years since I had sat through it), as we are back in the Case Study Program. This coming Friday I have to meet our new GAL (Guardian at Litem) and explain once again, the story of my current life/situation of my ex husband and kids. The Court Commissioner ruled that I have full placement and that my ex husband has a three hour supervised visit once a week, although we have yet to find anyone willing to be the supervisor so that has yet to begin. We are also to go under investigation of a GAL to determine if more time is to be allowed. As expected, the next day papers were filed to go back to court under the judge, a "de Nuvo" hearing as my ex disagreed with the ruling. Now, on June 5th, we go through this all again, proving once again that it is not a safe environment for my children to enter. I am not looking forward to this Friday, or the 5th of June.
Wednesday afternoon, I pushed through my backyard's extra high grass, with the engine killing twice, as the grass had just grown too tall for the mower to handle. As I was facing the last section of the yard, I discovered that a wheel was broke, yet pushed on through, knowing it would be the only time I had this week to get this done. Some days you just have to push on through, with a three wheeled mower, or an evening when you have to put down your dog and say that last I love you.
Pushing through these times, surviving those moments of sadness, anger, frustration, I am able to do it with the help of God. Each night when I share a few moments one on one with each of my children, we thank God for the day, for our family, friends, pets, we ask for help if we have friends that are in need and thank him for the great events that day or week, we ask him to help us stay healthy and safe and to have a great day tomorrow. Some day it's longer than others, each day though, I am reminded, that despite all the challenges that have seemed to come my way, I am still incredibly blessed.
This morning, when I walked into our church, I was greeted by a hug, then another, and another. By the time my parents (visiting our church to see my daughter sing for Mother's Day), children and I walked out, I think I was so filled with joy I was about to burst. I was reminded with hugs, kind words, smiles and chats with children, that I am beyond blessed. I have an incredible family, support system not only within the walls of the church, but through kind messages and thoughts on Facebook, emails, and texts.
In the past ten years, since my first Mother's Day, I have learned more about life than I could possibly type about in a blog entry, but most importantly I have learned how to have faith in God, to know that he is always there as my rock, to bring me through the hard times and to give me hugs through others on this earth along the way.
Monday, April 30, 2012
A month
I woke up this morning to the sound of my daughter running to the bathroom, throwing up. It was 5:30 AM, an hour before my alarm, not that it mattered anymore. Welcome to Monday morning, another day, way you are reminded that you are not always in control of how it turns out. Before long my son was up, not feeling good either. His forehead was on fire and I know he was really tired, not hungry last night at dinner time. So after realizing I really need a new thermometer, it read at 96.something, I called into both of their schools, letting them know they would not be coming in. Once everyone was set for awhile and we had TV on entertaining the kids for the moment, I found myself falling asleep on my chair, until my daughter woke me to say my cell phone was going off. I had missed the call, but soon went to another room to call my lawyer back.
When I sat down deciding whether or not to type tonight, I was curled up with my puppy, realizing it was exactly a month ago we rescued/adopted her, March 31. Amazing what can happen in a month. When I logged into my blog, I realized it had been over a month since I last posted. Amazing what all has happened since that time.
After a week or two of morning the loss of my Jakie dog and watching my lathargic and possibly depressed almost 13 year old beagle, I found myself searching Humane Society and similar sights. One, entitled Petfinder, had a program with questions about your home and family and I was curious what breed they would recommend for us. Sure enough, after a few nights of searching, I came across the puppy we have now. It was quite a surprise, to see the exact mix, golden retriever/husky mix, that our Jake was. Here a litter of puppies, just under three months old were surrendered and were in need of homes. I felt it was a sign, as the one reminded me of Jake. We went through the application process and sure enough the first Saturday of Spring Break, we welcomed Ginger to our family. The kids were in heaven, as I had realized they really had never been around a puppy. Our beagle was a puppy a few years before they were born and Jake was a rescue at the start of my divorce almost 5 years ago and was already 6 at that time. He had been there for me through so many rough times and there is no way he would be replaced...but then I got to thinking, as my parents questioned the puppy, yes, I realized this new dog would be a part of our family for the next 10 plus years...and realized that is exactly what I wanted. It would be there through all the school years of my son and most of my daughters. Even more importantly, I came to realize I was able to confidently go forward making decisions for our family, the three of us for one of the first times in my life. For so long I didn't want to make any decisions as I was planning to meet and marry someone soon and then my life, family, future would begin. Over the past few months I have grown strong and more confident that the kids and I, we are family. Taking in a comment during one of my rough mornings as I went to work and my ex husband was in jail or about to enter it, I mentioned to a co-worker please remind me how good life is in five years, after I survived this. She made a comment I hadn't expected, saying that I shouldn't view this time as that awful and be looking forward to being happy one day...that I have so many good things going on right now...again I don't remember the exact words but it apparently was a concept I needed to be reminded of.
I have been trying to look at things positively, the children are doing extremely well at school, socially with friends, involved in activities and are just all already happy, healthy, caring children. I am so proud of them and all they are becoming. We have a home, a kitten and now a puppy as well as our Sadie who is still hanging in there with us. It many not have been the family I had imagined having growing up, but we are making it work and filled with so much love.
Putting all that aside, yes, there still is that underlieing stress of my ex-husband. He got out of jail, sent a few texts about seeing the children and yet I stayed strong and listened to the advice of my lawyer to not respond. We had a court date set at the beginning of April...two weeks, I just had to hang in there two weeks...which then got rescheduled and then again. Along with the rescheduling was a serving of papers to find me in contempt of court for not allowing my ex to have placement as written in the MSA...along with that were a list of other items, which were almost all lies that I had emails or texts to support in court. Not to say I wasn't stresssed, concerned, upset when each of these events happened, but I knew it was out of my control.
For awhile I didn't want to blog because things were going amazinly well. My son, especially, was doing so well with consistancy of staying here all the time. We could plan things, it felt amazing to be living a somewhat normal life. When I hit two weeks of not receiving any texts or emails from him, I realized it was the first time, ever, since we had kids that I felt this feeling of peace. As I typed now it's been a month and still, I don't want to "jenx" things as people say, but things at home have really been good. Last week, though, was a rough one. Monday I spent a good hour preping with my lawyer for court and on Wednesday we appeared. I told many friends I would blog that night to update on how it went.
Honestly, as I emailed or called a couple friends and told them, I had no idea how it went. My lawyer had warned me that Monday that the Court Commissioner we'd be see was a 'lose cannon'...that you never know what she's going to do or how she's going to rule. I certainly didn't feel confident knowing that or not having a word from my ex for the past month. For awhile I was checking on CCAP to see if he had been arrested again or if something had happened to him. Then, one of my closest friends had pointed out, so that I would be prepared on Wednesday if it was the case, that maybe he really did go to a treatment center and get help...to be prepared to see him all cleaned up and looking sharp for court. I was becoming very nervous the day before, explaining to co-workers that even though it may seem obvious, black-and-white to them, that I have been through this court system before and I don't have faith in it. Yet, I had and have faith in God. I continued to pray each night and went in to work to teach one class of music, singing songs of praise to God with one group of Preschoolers before I headed to the court house Wednesday morning. I knew it was all in God's hands...as it always is...
It was rainy, dreary and I dreaded the climb once again up those courthouse stairs not having a clue what this battle would entail. I got there early, with a Starbuck Chai Tea in my hand and sat down in the hallway outside our room. I tried to read the book I had brought with, but had troubles focusing, especially when my ex-husband and his lawyer walked by. They went into a conference room to prep for the trail, to which I could hear comments at times but tried to block them out so that I would stay strong. A few mintues before our time to enter the court room, my lawyer arrived and from there it was a whirlwind. We began in one room and after a good half hour, the court commissioner said she had until 2 (almost two more hours) so we went to another room to continue. At that time, both of the laywers commented to each other on the way that it was such a waste of time, as if I didn't get the ruling I wanted, we would file papers to take the hearing to the judge and vice versa. So why did we have to continue, part of me wondered, but we did. I had to take the stand first and was quite proud of how calm and in control of my emotions I was able to remain this time. What I won't forget, is when the Court Commissioner looked me in the eye, asking if my ex husband drank while we were still married, to which I responded yes. Then, she asked if I felt he had a drinking problem back then, again a yes. Did I tell anyone about this during my divorce, she continued by asking...well yes, I told the G.A.L., the Case Study Worker, my lawyer, I stated it under oath and have copies at home of all of those documents if she needed them. She tell looked me square in the eye and asked, "Then why on earth did you agree to this placement arrangement back in 2009 to let me have the kids 30% off the time?" To which I honestly said, "Because I was told I had to. After hours of mediation my lawyer said take it, it's the best you are going to get!" To which my new/current lawyer chimmed in from his seat, "For the record, I was not her lawyer at that time."
When my ex husband took the stand he lied, lied, got caught in lie after lie and just continued on and on until a point he was crying. He had not received any treatment yet but planned to meet with a counselor one on one for a month. He said he never had other men living at his home, yet said there are currently two there...he said he was aware that police are watching his house, but claimed it was because I was calling the police daily as I didn't work, had all this time and nothing better to do...it was exhausting as the almost two and a half hours was coming to a close and the Court Commissioners response to us was, "I am not going to tell you my decision today. I am going to mail it to you." Wow. Didn't expect that to happen. Then, my ex still crying, questioned but when do I get to see my children? To which the Court Commissioner brought up us finding a third party for supervised visits, which made my ex's eyes pop out, as he objected all confused, what? Why on earth would I need to be supervised...that was my only sign of hope from the Court Commissioner that day. She had made a closing comment regarding the fact that I was okay with allowing my children to go with him in 2009 and questioned if behavior was so bad back then, what has changed now. Not a point where I was allowed to speak, but if I could have I sure would have. I really didn't know what she was going to say in her letter. I just knew I was exhausted, mentally, emtionally, I wanted to get to my minivan, to start driving home...to which I realized I had friends, family, all waiting to her what happened. What do I say? Well, I simply posted on facebook, WOW. The next morning when I came into work, I guess it was obvious how exhausted I still was when one co-worker said, it's like you ran a marathon and got hit by a truck. That is certainly how I felt as I knew Friday in the mail, I was both excited and scared to read what the letter would say.
Friday came and there was no letter. It was today, when I called back to my lawyer's office that he said, "Well, Lisa, were you happy with the ruling?!" I responded quite confused, stating that I hadn't seen it yet and have been quite worried. He then realized that it was sent out only to the lawyers and he would get a copy of it in the mail today, so that I'll receive it in the mail tomorrow. He said they ruled in our favor, that I have full placement with only a three hour supervised visit a week for my ex, with a supervisor that I agree to. With two sick children in the other room and myself not having much energy at that moment I was still in a bit of shock I guess. He said she saw through all his lies and well, he'd get this right out to me. He also said that my ex's lawyer has already filed against the ruling and are planning to take this up infront of the judge, but he didn't go into any details on that and I didn't see any dates set yet when I looked on my computer later today.
I was off the phone in minutes and I don't really think it sunk in as I came back out to the familyroom to check on the kids. I did post on Facebook that I heard from my lawyer and what he said and was surprised at all the comments and postings of support and prayers answered, and hooray for justice finally...only it doesn't feel real yet. Maybe it's because I've been so tired and felt a bit under the weather today too. Maybe it's because I don't have the actual legal documents in my hands yet to read, or knowing that we still have to go back to court at some point. But I guess I did win at least one part of this battle today. I made progress. I was finally heard by someone. I am a bit curious to read what the papers say tomorrow and go from there. I guess a part of me didn't get my hopes up as I never know what will happen in this legal world of ours.
For tonight, I am glad both of my kids are feeling better, looking forward to going back to school tomorrow. Glad that I have two wonderful children and three wonderful furry children and so many amazing friends supporting me in my life. I thank God for his continued watching over me and my children as well. I guess tomorrow is a new month, perhaps a more optomistic one at that. I will be in touch with an update again soon. God's peace.
When I sat down deciding whether or not to type tonight, I was curled up with my puppy, realizing it was exactly a month ago we rescued/adopted her, March 31. Amazing what can happen in a month. When I logged into my blog, I realized it had been over a month since I last posted. Amazing what all has happened since that time.
After a week or two of morning the loss of my Jakie dog and watching my lathargic and possibly depressed almost 13 year old beagle, I found myself searching Humane Society and similar sights. One, entitled Petfinder, had a program with questions about your home and family and I was curious what breed they would recommend for us. Sure enough, after a few nights of searching, I came across the puppy we have now. It was quite a surprise, to see the exact mix, golden retriever/husky mix, that our Jake was. Here a litter of puppies, just under three months old were surrendered and were in need of homes. I felt it was a sign, as the one reminded me of Jake. We went through the application process and sure enough the first Saturday of Spring Break, we welcomed Ginger to our family. The kids were in heaven, as I had realized they really had never been around a puppy. Our beagle was a puppy a few years before they were born and Jake was a rescue at the start of my divorce almost 5 years ago and was already 6 at that time. He had been there for me through so many rough times and there is no way he would be replaced...but then I got to thinking, as my parents questioned the puppy, yes, I realized this new dog would be a part of our family for the next 10 plus years...and realized that is exactly what I wanted. It would be there through all the school years of my son and most of my daughters. Even more importantly, I came to realize I was able to confidently go forward making decisions for our family, the three of us for one of the first times in my life. For so long I didn't want to make any decisions as I was planning to meet and marry someone soon and then my life, family, future would begin. Over the past few months I have grown strong and more confident that the kids and I, we are family. Taking in a comment during one of my rough mornings as I went to work and my ex husband was in jail or about to enter it, I mentioned to a co-worker please remind me how good life is in five years, after I survived this. She made a comment I hadn't expected, saying that I shouldn't view this time as that awful and be looking forward to being happy one day...that I have so many good things going on right now...again I don't remember the exact words but it apparently was a concept I needed to be reminded of.
I have been trying to look at things positively, the children are doing extremely well at school, socially with friends, involved in activities and are just all already happy, healthy, caring children. I am so proud of them and all they are becoming. We have a home, a kitten and now a puppy as well as our Sadie who is still hanging in there with us. It many not have been the family I had imagined having growing up, but we are making it work and filled with so much love.
Putting all that aside, yes, there still is that underlieing stress of my ex-husband. He got out of jail, sent a few texts about seeing the children and yet I stayed strong and listened to the advice of my lawyer to not respond. We had a court date set at the beginning of April...two weeks, I just had to hang in there two weeks...which then got rescheduled and then again. Along with the rescheduling was a serving of papers to find me in contempt of court for not allowing my ex to have placement as written in the MSA...along with that were a list of other items, which were almost all lies that I had emails or texts to support in court. Not to say I wasn't stresssed, concerned, upset when each of these events happened, but I knew it was out of my control.
For awhile I didn't want to blog because things were going amazinly well. My son, especially, was doing so well with consistancy of staying here all the time. We could plan things, it felt amazing to be living a somewhat normal life. When I hit two weeks of not receiving any texts or emails from him, I realized it was the first time, ever, since we had kids that I felt this feeling of peace. As I typed now it's been a month and still, I don't want to "jenx" things as people say, but things at home have really been good. Last week, though, was a rough one. Monday I spent a good hour preping with my lawyer for court and on Wednesday we appeared. I told many friends I would blog that night to update on how it went.
Honestly, as I emailed or called a couple friends and told them, I had no idea how it went. My lawyer had warned me that Monday that the Court Commissioner we'd be see was a 'lose cannon'...that you never know what she's going to do or how she's going to rule. I certainly didn't feel confident knowing that or not having a word from my ex for the past month. For awhile I was checking on CCAP to see if he had been arrested again or if something had happened to him. Then, one of my closest friends had pointed out, so that I would be prepared on Wednesday if it was the case, that maybe he really did go to a treatment center and get help...to be prepared to see him all cleaned up and looking sharp for court. I was becoming very nervous the day before, explaining to co-workers that even though it may seem obvious, black-and-white to them, that I have been through this court system before and I don't have faith in it. Yet, I had and have faith in God. I continued to pray each night and went in to work to teach one class of music, singing songs of praise to God with one group of Preschoolers before I headed to the court house Wednesday morning. I knew it was all in God's hands...as it always is...
It was rainy, dreary and I dreaded the climb once again up those courthouse stairs not having a clue what this battle would entail. I got there early, with a Starbuck Chai Tea in my hand and sat down in the hallway outside our room. I tried to read the book I had brought with, but had troubles focusing, especially when my ex-husband and his lawyer walked by. They went into a conference room to prep for the trail, to which I could hear comments at times but tried to block them out so that I would stay strong. A few mintues before our time to enter the court room, my lawyer arrived and from there it was a whirlwind. We began in one room and after a good half hour, the court commissioner said she had until 2 (almost two more hours) so we went to another room to continue. At that time, both of the laywers commented to each other on the way that it was such a waste of time, as if I didn't get the ruling I wanted, we would file papers to take the hearing to the judge and vice versa. So why did we have to continue, part of me wondered, but we did. I had to take the stand first and was quite proud of how calm and in control of my emotions I was able to remain this time. What I won't forget, is when the Court Commissioner looked me in the eye, asking if my ex husband drank while we were still married, to which I responded yes. Then, she asked if I felt he had a drinking problem back then, again a yes. Did I tell anyone about this during my divorce, she continued by asking...well yes, I told the G.A.L., the Case Study Worker, my lawyer, I stated it under oath and have copies at home of all of those documents if she needed them. She tell looked me square in the eye and asked, "Then why on earth did you agree to this placement arrangement back in 2009 to let me have the kids 30% off the time?" To which I honestly said, "Because I was told I had to. After hours of mediation my lawyer said take it, it's the best you are going to get!" To which my new/current lawyer chimmed in from his seat, "For the record, I was not her lawyer at that time."
When my ex husband took the stand he lied, lied, got caught in lie after lie and just continued on and on until a point he was crying. He had not received any treatment yet but planned to meet with a counselor one on one for a month. He said he never had other men living at his home, yet said there are currently two there...he said he was aware that police are watching his house, but claimed it was because I was calling the police daily as I didn't work, had all this time and nothing better to do...it was exhausting as the almost two and a half hours was coming to a close and the Court Commissioners response to us was, "I am not going to tell you my decision today. I am going to mail it to you." Wow. Didn't expect that to happen. Then, my ex still crying, questioned but when do I get to see my children? To which the Court Commissioner brought up us finding a third party for supervised visits, which made my ex's eyes pop out, as he objected all confused, what? Why on earth would I need to be supervised...that was my only sign of hope from the Court Commissioner that day. She had made a closing comment regarding the fact that I was okay with allowing my children to go with him in 2009 and questioned if behavior was so bad back then, what has changed now. Not a point where I was allowed to speak, but if I could have I sure would have. I really didn't know what she was going to say in her letter. I just knew I was exhausted, mentally, emtionally, I wanted to get to my minivan, to start driving home...to which I realized I had friends, family, all waiting to her what happened. What do I say? Well, I simply posted on facebook, WOW. The next morning when I came into work, I guess it was obvious how exhausted I still was when one co-worker said, it's like you ran a marathon and got hit by a truck. That is certainly how I felt as I knew Friday in the mail, I was both excited and scared to read what the letter would say.
Friday came and there was no letter. It was today, when I called back to my lawyer's office that he said, "Well, Lisa, were you happy with the ruling?!" I responded quite confused, stating that I hadn't seen it yet and have been quite worried. He then realized that it was sent out only to the lawyers and he would get a copy of it in the mail today, so that I'll receive it in the mail tomorrow. He said they ruled in our favor, that I have full placement with only a three hour supervised visit a week for my ex, with a supervisor that I agree to. With two sick children in the other room and myself not having much energy at that moment I was still in a bit of shock I guess. He said she saw through all his lies and well, he'd get this right out to me. He also said that my ex's lawyer has already filed against the ruling and are planning to take this up infront of the judge, but he didn't go into any details on that and I didn't see any dates set yet when I looked on my computer later today.
I was off the phone in minutes and I don't really think it sunk in as I came back out to the familyroom to check on the kids. I did post on Facebook that I heard from my lawyer and what he said and was surprised at all the comments and postings of support and prayers answered, and hooray for justice finally...only it doesn't feel real yet. Maybe it's because I've been so tired and felt a bit under the weather today too. Maybe it's because I don't have the actual legal documents in my hands yet to read, or knowing that we still have to go back to court at some point. But I guess I did win at least one part of this battle today. I made progress. I was finally heard by someone. I am a bit curious to read what the papers say tomorrow and go from there. I guess a part of me didn't get my hopes up as I never know what will happen in this legal world of ours.
For tonight, I am glad both of my kids are feeling better, looking forward to going back to school tomorrow. Glad that I have two wonderful children and three wonderful furry children and so many amazing friends supporting me in my life. I thank God for his continued watching over me and my children as well. I guess tomorrow is a new month, perhaps a more optomistic one at that. I will be in touch with an update again soon. God's peace.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Missing my dog tonight
Why do we watch Television shows like Grey's and Private Practice? They are two of the only I still keep up with, as at times I feel like the characters in them have been a part of my life for some time. Watching a mother die, say goodbye to her seven year old son, tonight that put me over the edge. The tears began and wouldn't stop. Then, when my loyal dog that knew just when I needed a tail wagging in my face, that smile to appear on my arm rest, as to say, "I'm here! Hug me, pet me, let my fluffy fur soak up your tears again." The flood began. It was just two days ago I woke up to find him no longer breathing, facing my bed on my bathroom floor.
About four and a half years ago, a couple months into the divorce process, I was at a local pet store in Madison, picking up something for my beagle and wandering aimlessly, trying to make time without my children go by. They had two dogs on site from a Humane Society, not too far away, one of which caught my eye. I spent some time talking with the women who had brought in the dogs...apparently both were surrendered together, a black lab mix and a yellow lab/retriever/husky. They explained the previous owner's girlfriend was moving in and would not if the dogs were there. I still remember the women chuckling as they told me, anyone who'd give up there dogs for a women isn't thinking straight. I knew I couldn't take them both, but could I even take one? It was so fluffy and cozy to hug and pet...the big fluffy curl of his husky tail was just so adorable not to mention that smile. But I couldn't just adopt a dog, all by myself I remember thinking. I remember calling two of my closest friends to talk it over with them, making sure I hadn't lost my mind entirely. Was I thinking clearly? Me, miss plan everything in my life, look where it had got me! I don't remember what all they said, but I do remember one of them saying, maybe that is just what you need Lisa! Something to love and take care of, something positive to focus on. I also remember one of them, who's house I was going to be going to that evening for a 'deer hunter's wives's night', said to bring him along!
Sure enough, as people joked that evening, Jake, became as he was coined that night, "the loyal man in Lisa's life". He was an amazing dog. House trained right away, got along with my beagle and cat and most importantly my two kids. He really was like a big teddy bear, but even better because unlike our beagle (my first dog I've ever had), this dog actual played catch...actually brought the ball back over and over again! It was Jake who I spent hours at night hugging and crying to when I just couldn't take the pain of what was happening to my life. It was Jake that got me through my first Thanksgiving alone and so many other painful days.
Today, when I was in the police station talking about the upcoming week, I mentioned losing Jake this week and her face turned so sad, "wasn't he the one that would go everywhere with you?" Yes, as another friend had already commented, "I remember how he'd sit in the passenger seat of your minivan, not taking his eyes off the door of the church just waiting excitedly for you to come out."
Sunday night and Monday morning, Jake had been throwing up, but with an almost 11 year old larger dog, who'd been losing weight, that had been happening on and off during the winter. He'd also started peeing in the house at times. It was Tuesday night when I was getting concerned, as he didn't want anything to eat, would hardly move or make eye contact...which he always had before, either with his chin prompt up on an armrest or from a good location on the carpet so he could still look right at me, watch over me. He knew when I needed a hug, or just a big tongue panting with a big smile on his face. He'd great me oh so excitedly when I came home and became a pillow for the kids to flop on when we were relaxing around the house. Each night, he'd sleep on the foot of my bed, between me and the door to make sure I was safe.
It was Wednesday morning that I woke up from some awful dreams and squinted from my bed to see if he was okay on my bathroom floor...as he appeared to be facing my bed. The past few night he hadn't made it up onto my bed, another sign that something was up. It as then I jumped out of bed and realized he wasn't looking over at me, he didn't perk up or move when I called to him. As I broke into tears calling his name, my son, just waking up appeared and began crying out too, "Mommy! What's wrong with Jake?! Is he..." then my daughter appeared scared in the doorway and in moments the three of us were mush. Crying and hugging...we came out into the family as I temporarily closed my bathroom door. I tried to be positive and point out that at least he's not sick anymore, that he's in heaven now and can play all the fetch he wants too. We talked, calmed down enough for them to get off to school on the bus and I followed a few minutes after to speak with another mom who was at the bus stop, one who I knew lost their dog this past fall.
I made it through one last ride with him to say goodbye. Then I had to pull myself together as in a couple hours from then I had my meeting with my lawyer.
We talked about Sunday morning, as the last I heard from my ex, he stated in a text he was coming to get the kids after he gets out of jail at 4 AM, yet this is not his weekend to have the kids according to our schedule. We discussed and then my lawyer filled out paperwork on three other items he's in contempt of court for and discussed how to handle thing between this Sunday when he gets out of jail and April 2 when we go to court. I questioned him, when he said "I just hope you are strong enough, that you aren't going to be too nice." I asked when or how? He said that I am so sweet and kind, but I have to do what John Wayne said in some famous movie he had quoted, that when the going gets tough, you have to dig deep down and fight with all you've got. Notice I didn't quote that, as I honestly don't remember what he said, but that was the just of it.
So from there, and a quick stop on my way back towards home, I stopped by the police station in town, as advised by my lawyer, to let them know when he was getting out of jail this weekend and what he had claimed in his text. The officer who was involved and had went to the court house back when I got my restraining order was in and we spoke a little bit. First, he couldn't believe that any jail would release someone at 4 AM, but regardless, to let them know inside so they can get the word out to the other officer's. From there, I, of course, apologized for my scratchy eyes and explained I had quite a rough morning. He had two dogs die in the past few years too and then told the story of their passing. He couldn't believe I had lifted up and taken in Jake myself, but I pointed out, at that point it was probably pure adrenalin.
This afternoon, I stopped in to see the other officer who had some people for me to contact/have my lawyer contact and as we were sitting inside the station at the table I sadly have been at a few times before, another officer I didn't know walked in and questioned, "Wait a second, it she the one with the crazy ex in (the town he lives in). Man, he is really messed up! I remember when officer ...." he continued on about an encounter he had apparently had a couple years ago with him.
It's so odd to hear people talking about you, your life and how pitiful it is. I had to call my sister about something quick while I was at a store on the way home from work today and she said a friend of hers I had meet a few years ago when I had visited asked how I was doing and she reluctantly said, not so good. He dog just died, her ex is getting out of jail soon and she's about to go back to court to battle for full placement. Yes, I guess she's right, it doesn't sound so good. Maybe that is why we watch the fictional television shows, to be reminded that other have challenges in their lives too. To either relate or be glad we aren't in their shoes.
I wanted to end on a positive note, as there was a moment tonight worth mentioning amongst everything else. After Cub Scouts tonight, my son got out from his backpack his "All Star Book" from school today. While he was the Star of the Week, his first grade classmates all wrote and illustrated a page and it's bound into a special keepsake for him. He excitedly turned to the page he filled out about himself, ".... is as nice as his mom." He explained that the picture above was the two of us and how he had wrote about me because he was really thinking of me that day...he continued on after a giant hug saying, "Mom, I don't know why, but you were just stuck in my mind all day!" Well, son, you and your sister are stuck in my heart everyday as the two of you are what keep my heart going. I truly do thank God everyday for blessing me with both of them.
Tomorrow will be the last day when my ex is away in jail. I am not looking forward to finding out what the week ahead will bring, but instead of worrying tonight and tomorrow, I plan to enjoy every smile, giggle from the hammock we got back out for the year after school today, every moment. As the sign in my stairway says, "Enjoy the Present"....tomorrow I will.
About four and a half years ago, a couple months into the divorce process, I was at a local pet store in Madison, picking up something for my beagle and wandering aimlessly, trying to make time without my children go by. They had two dogs on site from a Humane Society, not too far away, one of which caught my eye. I spent some time talking with the women who had brought in the dogs...apparently both were surrendered together, a black lab mix and a yellow lab/retriever/husky. They explained the previous owner's girlfriend was moving in and would not if the dogs were there. I still remember the women chuckling as they told me, anyone who'd give up there dogs for a women isn't thinking straight. I knew I couldn't take them both, but could I even take one? It was so fluffy and cozy to hug and pet...the big fluffy curl of his husky tail was just so adorable not to mention that smile. But I couldn't just adopt a dog, all by myself I remember thinking. I remember calling two of my closest friends to talk it over with them, making sure I hadn't lost my mind entirely. Was I thinking clearly? Me, miss plan everything in my life, look where it had got me! I don't remember what all they said, but I do remember one of them saying, maybe that is just what you need Lisa! Something to love and take care of, something positive to focus on. I also remember one of them, who's house I was going to be going to that evening for a 'deer hunter's wives's night', said to bring him along!
Sure enough, as people joked that evening, Jake, became as he was coined that night, "the loyal man in Lisa's life". He was an amazing dog. House trained right away, got along with my beagle and cat and most importantly my two kids. He really was like a big teddy bear, but even better because unlike our beagle (my first dog I've ever had), this dog actual played catch...actually brought the ball back over and over again! It was Jake who I spent hours at night hugging and crying to when I just couldn't take the pain of what was happening to my life. It was Jake that got me through my first Thanksgiving alone and so many other painful days.
Today, when I was in the police station talking about the upcoming week, I mentioned losing Jake this week and her face turned so sad, "wasn't he the one that would go everywhere with you?" Yes, as another friend had already commented, "I remember how he'd sit in the passenger seat of your minivan, not taking his eyes off the door of the church just waiting excitedly for you to come out."
Sunday night and Monday morning, Jake had been throwing up, but with an almost 11 year old larger dog, who'd been losing weight, that had been happening on and off during the winter. He'd also started peeing in the house at times. It was Tuesday night when I was getting concerned, as he didn't want anything to eat, would hardly move or make eye contact...which he always had before, either with his chin prompt up on an armrest or from a good location on the carpet so he could still look right at me, watch over me. He knew when I needed a hug, or just a big tongue panting with a big smile on his face. He'd great me oh so excitedly when I came home and became a pillow for the kids to flop on when we were relaxing around the house. Each night, he'd sleep on the foot of my bed, between me and the door to make sure I was safe.
It was Wednesday morning that I woke up from some awful dreams and squinted from my bed to see if he was okay on my bathroom floor...as he appeared to be facing my bed. The past few night he hadn't made it up onto my bed, another sign that something was up. It as then I jumped out of bed and realized he wasn't looking over at me, he didn't perk up or move when I called to him. As I broke into tears calling his name, my son, just waking up appeared and began crying out too, "Mommy! What's wrong with Jake?! Is he..." then my daughter appeared scared in the doorway and in moments the three of us were mush. Crying and hugging...we came out into the family as I temporarily closed my bathroom door. I tried to be positive and point out that at least he's not sick anymore, that he's in heaven now and can play all the fetch he wants too. We talked, calmed down enough for them to get off to school on the bus and I followed a few minutes after to speak with another mom who was at the bus stop, one who I knew lost their dog this past fall.
I made it through one last ride with him to say goodbye. Then I had to pull myself together as in a couple hours from then I had my meeting with my lawyer.
We talked about Sunday morning, as the last I heard from my ex, he stated in a text he was coming to get the kids after he gets out of jail at 4 AM, yet this is not his weekend to have the kids according to our schedule. We discussed and then my lawyer filled out paperwork on three other items he's in contempt of court for and discussed how to handle thing between this Sunday when he gets out of jail and April 2 when we go to court. I questioned him, when he said "I just hope you are strong enough, that you aren't going to be too nice." I asked when or how? He said that I am so sweet and kind, but I have to do what John Wayne said in some famous movie he had quoted, that when the going gets tough, you have to dig deep down and fight with all you've got. Notice I didn't quote that, as I honestly don't remember what he said, but that was the just of it.
So from there, and a quick stop on my way back towards home, I stopped by the police station in town, as advised by my lawyer, to let them know when he was getting out of jail this weekend and what he had claimed in his text. The officer who was involved and had went to the court house back when I got my restraining order was in and we spoke a little bit. First, he couldn't believe that any jail would release someone at 4 AM, but regardless, to let them know inside so they can get the word out to the other officer's. From there, I, of course, apologized for my scratchy eyes and explained I had quite a rough morning. He had two dogs die in the past few years too and then told the story of their passing. He couldn't believe I had lifted up and taken in Jake myself, but I pointed out, at that point it was probably pure adrenalin.
This afternoon, I stopped in to see the other officer who had some people for me to contact/have my lawyer contact and as we were sitting inside the station at the table I sadly have been at a few times before, another officer I didn't know walked in and questioned, "Wait a second, it she the one with the crazy ex in (the town he lives in). Man, he is really messed up! I remember when officer ...." he continued on about an encounter he had apparently had a couple years ago with him.
It's so odd to hear people talking about you, your life and how pitiful it is. I had to call my sister about something quick while I was at a store on the way home from work today and she said a friend of hers I had meet a few years ago when I had visited asked how I was doing and she reluctantly said, not so good. He dog just died, her ex is getting out of jail soon and she's about to go back to court to battle for full placement. Yes, I guess she's right, it doesn't sound so good. Maybe that is why we watch the fictional television shows, to be reminded that other have challenges in their lives too. To either relate or be glad we aren't in their shoes.
I wanted to end on a positive note, as there was a moment tonight worth mentioning amongst everything else. After Cub Scouts tonight, my son got out from his backpack his "All Star Book" from school today. While he was the Star of the Week, his first grade classmates all wrote and illustrated a page and it's bound into a special keepsake for him. He excitedly turned to the page he filled out about himself, ".... is as nice as his mom." He explained that the picture above was the two of us and how he had wrote about me because he was really thinking of me that day...he continued on after a giant hug saying, "Mom, I don't know why, but you were just stuck in my mind all day!" Well, son, you and your sister are stuck in my heart everyday as the two of you are what keep my heart going. I truly do thank God everyday for blessing me with both of them.
Tomorrow will be the last day when my ex is away in jail. I am not looking forward to finding out what the week ahead will bring, but instead of worrying tonight and tomorrow, I plan to enjoy every smile, giggle from the hammock we got back out for the year after school today, every moment. As the sign in my stairway says, "Enjoy the Present"....tomorrow I will.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
I have one more week...
Live by faith, not by sight. Just looking at the inscription inside my ring as I ponder how exactly to begin this entry. It has been a good weekend. Spring has returned early to our town and the kids and I were able to get outside and enjoy it. Seeing the robins returning, amongst other birds, as my son and I took a bike ride today across town. It is always inspiring to see the signs of new life, new green sprouts appearing from the grown, hope that new beautiful things are on their way. Yet it's not yet Spring in the Mid-west and along with this reality is the reality that snow, ice, challenges are not out of the question...and the weather and our lives can change literally day by day right now.
A week ago, I had unplugged my home phone and was rarely answering my cell, as the number of calls from the jail continued to accumulate. My children, still, have not asked to speak to their Dad or asked about seeing him since I last blogged. The lawyer, last we spoke, informed me that I was legally advised not to answer any calls from my ex-husband, not to speak to him at all and that there was no reason for the children to either. It has wonderful not having to worry about my children not eating, not knowing where they were or who they were around or what they were seeing. My son has made it to his basketball and scout events...my daughter was able to attend a birthday party in addition to a scouting event. It was been a blessing.
On the other side of things, not only had the calls increased, I received an email from my ex mother-in-law mid-week begging me to please allow her son to speak to his children, as they are his "inspiration". Maybe it was what he wants, but is it the best thing for the kids right now? Then, the following day I received first an email followed later by nasty text messages from my ex husband from jail. Not sure how that happened, but I am very glad they haven't since. At the same time, after the texts arrived, I finally blocked my cell phone as well from receiving any calls from the jail.
I was becoming increasingly concerned as the week went on, not only about the messages, but more importantly the lack of any message from my lawyer, as it was my understanding by last Monday he was to have papers served to my ex husband in jail. I know a week from today is when he is released, which I am not looking forward to, and was becoming more concerned that we wouldn't have a hearing or news before he was released.
It was as I stopped home quick before attending my daughter's music program Friday afternoon that the letter arrived in the mail. The day after the letter from Children's Protective Services has come (which I'll get back too). My letter began,
By the time you get this letter your husband will have been served with our Notice of Motion and Motion to Terminate Placement. We drew Commissioner....
One of the problems we had was that most of the police reports you obtained from the Dane County Sheriff's Office involved older offenses or contacts. There weren't a lot of new contacts.
I spent some time with the Family Court Commissioner but could not convince them to issue an Ex Parte Order which would have terminated any placement immediately until such time as a hearing could be held.
The other problem we have is that I couldn't get a hearing until ...
He concluded the letter explaining that I should contact the law office tomorrow (Monday) morning to come in this week and plan how to deal with the two weeks that my ex is out of jail yet we have not went to court. Two weeks that begin next Sunday morning.
As if that wasn't enough, I was already planning to stop in or call his office due to the text messages I received from my ex. In addition to telling him I have a neighbor now that will talk to him, one who was there and saw him that night he was taken in to detox and blew a .4 the week before he went to jail. I have also now read the report, which I have to give him, from the Child Protective Services office and was disappointed to read reports from the police, speaking of concerns, the children directly telling her that they were indeed left alone and not feed meals, yet nothing had happened.
The texts from my ex you are wondering about? At 4:45 on Thursday first came, "Please answer ht phone and let me talk to the kids. I expect to get them Sunday morning the 18th when I get out at 4am. Sad u are doing this to them." Next, "I have all the call details records and all the times u rejected or blocked me by pressing 5 or 8 so I know when u pick up. Notice u didn't get child support yet?" Next, "I can take this up with Pam and open a case with DCF, she said this is child alienation since you are aware of my calls and ignore them. What do u tell the kids? u like to them! They want to talk to me and u hate that so u ignore my calls and lie to them. Nice mom of the year. THas worse than me in jail! I hope u can see the evil in your jealous actions. I also need to talk to you since u are gonna miss ome child support payments. 5 weeks maybe as I'm not getting paid either. But u must not care to get it since u won't answer the phone. Good thing for mommy-wammie and daddy-waddy again, right princess?"
Yup. Not so pleasant. I was blessed to have received them while I was working at church, Thursday. As I told my friend, first off, next weekend was and is my weekend with the kids. Secondly, I was told by my lawyer not to answer any of his calls. Third, the kids haven't even asked about him. Fourth, my parents haven't gave me a penny (scratch that, they loaned me the retainer for the lawyer which they already asked for and received back as soon as my tax return arrived).
The worst part, he hasn't changed a bit. Those optimistic folks I know, saying that maybe this time away will be a low point for him now, that he'd hit rock bottom and that things would get better. As I didn't have much faith in that happening, I am now convinced that it didn't.
SO, now what. I call my lawyer tomorrow. I drop off the recent copies of the texts I have received, the name and phone number of the neighbor and the report from Child Protective Services and I pray. It was true that I did not receive my child support this past week, yet at the same time realize that he still owes me the money and if he doesn't pay me the child support, that is an issue between him and the state as it's against the law not to pay it. If doesn't have it, then once he obtains it he is to pay back pay that was missed. I am just concerned as to how long it will be until I am paid and if he still indeed does and will have a job after he returns from jail. Secondly, I am concerned whether or not he is really going to enter a drug/alcohol rehab center/program that he disparately needs. When he sent those, lets call them nasty texts, he had not yet been served the papers that I am taking him to court to have full placement of the children. I am also concerned how he is going to react, what he is going to do when he gets out of jail. I am already planning to warn the local police about my concerns after I speak first with my lawyer.
On a positive note I have one more week. Looking at that same half full glass, I have one more week.
Going back to my ring, I want to have faith, that God is looking out for my children and myself. Apparently my parents or at least mother has already lost any faith she had. As she email back after I received the letter, with a message asking if I had warned the new lawyer how sneaky my ex is. Then today, when I was mentioning a couple summer activities I had signed up my children for through the recreation department this summer, she questioned if they were on days my ex was suppose to take them too (as he hasn't in past years)...to which I pointed out we don't know if he'll have them during the summer overnights to worry about that yet. The look on her face, her comment that I brushed off after that...I cut her off as I know she's already convinced once again the courts will let us down.
Faith. Live by faith not by sight. I have lived by faith through so many life events over the past few years, I have no choice but to put yet another huge challenge in God's hands. As I tell my children in the preschool music class each week as close with our goodbye song, "Go well and go safely, may God be ever with you and you and you...(pointing to each child)" Then I remind them that all you have to do is ask God and he will be with you, take care of you, all you have to do it ask.
A week ago, I had unplugged my home phone and was rarely answering my cell, as the number of calls from the jail continued to accumulate. My children, still, have not asked to speak to their Dad or asked about seeing him since I last blogged. The lawyer, last we spoke, informed me that I was legally advised not to answer any calls from my ex-husband, not to speak to him at all and that there was no reason for the children to either. It has wonderful not having to worry about my children not eating, not knowing where they were or who they were around or what they were seeing. My son has made it to his basketball and scout events...my daughter was able to attend a birthday party in addition to a scouting event. It was been a blessing.
On the other side of things, not only had the calls increased, I received an email from my ex mother-in-law mid-week begging me to please allow her son to speak to his children, as they are his "inspiration". Maybe it was what he wants, but is it the best thing for the kids right now? Then, the following day I received first an email followed later by nasty text messages from my ex husband from jail. Not sure how that happened, but I am very glad they haven't since. At the same time, after the texts arrived, I finally blocked my cell phone as well from receiving any calls from the jail.
I was becoming increasingly concerned as the week went on, not only about the messages, but more importantly the lack of any message from my lawyer, as it was my understanding by last Monday he was to have papers served to my ex husband in jail. I know a week from today is when he is released, which I am not looking forward to, and was becoming more concerned that we wouldn't have a hearing or news before he was released.
It was as I stopped home quick before attending my daughter's music program Friday afternoon that the letter arrived in the mail. The day after the letter from Children's Protective Services has come (which I'll get back too). My letter began,
By the time you get this letter your husband will have been served with our Notice of Motion and Motion to Terminate Placement. We drew Commissioner....
One of the problems we had was that most of the police reports you obtained from the Dane County Sheriff's Office involved older offenses or contacts. There weren't a lot of new contacts.
I spent some time with the Family Court Commissioner but could not convince them to issue an Ex Parte Order which would have terminated any placement immediately until such time as a hearing could be held.
The other problem we have is that I couldn't get a hearing until ...
He concluded the letter explaining that I should contact the law office tomorrow (Monday) morning to come in this week and plan how to deal with the two weeks that my ex is out of jail yet we have not went to court. Two weeks that begin next Sunday morning.
As if that wasn't enough, I was already planning to stop in or call his office due to the text messages I received from my ex. In addition to telling him I have a neighbor now that will talk to him, one who was there and saw him that night he was taken in to detox and blew a .4 the week before he went to jail. I have also now read the report, which I have to give him, from the Child Protective Services office and was disappointed to read reports from the police, speaking of concerns, the children directly telling her that they were indeed left alone and not feed meals, yet nothing had happened.
The texts from my ex you are wondering about? At 4:45 on Thursday first came, "Please answer ht phone and let me talk to the kids. I expect to get them Sunday morning the 18th when I get out at 4am. Sad u are doing this to them." Next, "I have all the call details records and all the times u rejected or blocked me by pressing 5 or 8 so I know when u pick up. Notice u didn't get child support yet?" Next, "I can take this up with Pam and open a case with DCF, she said this is child alienation since you are aware of my calls and ignore them. What do u tell the kids? u like to them! They want to talk to me and u hate that so u ignore my calls and lie to them. Nice mom of the year. THas worse than me in jail! I hope u can see the evil in your jealous actions. I also need to talk to you since u are gonna miss ome child support payments. 5 weeks maybe as I'm not getting paid either. But u must not care to get it since u won't answer the phone. Good thing for mommy-wammie and daddy-waddy again, right princess?"
Yup. Not so pleasant. I was blessed to have received them while I was working at church, Thursday. As I told my friend, first off, next weekend was and is my weekend with the kids. Secondly, I was told by my lawyer not to answer any of his calls. Third, the kids haven't even asked about him. Fourth, my parents haven't gave me a penny (scratch that, they loaned me the retainer for the lawyer which they already asked for and received back as soon as my tax return arrived).
The worst part, he hasn't changed a bit. Those optimistic folks I know, saying that maybe this time away will be a low point for him now, that he'd hit rock bottom and that things would get better. As I didn't have much faith in that happening, I am now convinced that it didn't.
SO, now what. I call my lawyer tomorrow. I drop off the recent copies of the texts I have received, the name and phone number of the neighbor and the report from Child Protective Services and I pray. It was true that I did not receive my child support this past week, yet at the same time realize that he still owes me the money and if he doesn't pay me the child support, that is an issue between him and the state as it's against the law not to pay it. If doesn't have it, then once he obtains it he is to pay back pay that was missed. I am just concerned as to how long it will be until I am paid and if he still indeed does and will have a job after he returns from jail. Secondly, I am concerned whether or not he is really going to enter a drug/alcohol rehab center/program that he disparately needs. When he sent those, lets call them nasty texts, he had not yet been served the papers that I am taking him to court to have full placement of the children. I am also concerned how he is going to react, what he is going to do when he gets out of jail. I am already planning to warn the local police about my concerns after I speak first with my lawyer.
On a positive note I have one more week. Looking at that same half full glass, I have one more week.
Going back to my ring, I want to have faith, that God is looking out for my children and myself. Apparently my parents or at least mother has already lost any faith she had. As she email back after I received the letter, with a message asking if I had warned the new lawyer how sneaky my ex is. Then today, when I was mentioning a couple summer activities I had signed up my children for through the recreation department this summer, she questioned if they were on days my ex was suppose to take them too (as he hasn't in past years)...to which I pointed out we don't know if he'll have them during the summer overnights to worry about that yet. The look on her face, her comment that I brushed off after that...I cut her off as I know she's already convinced once again the courts will let us down.
Faith. Live by faith not by sight. I have lived by faith through so many life events over the past few years, I have no choice but to put yet another huge challenge in God's hands. As I tell my children in the preschool music class each week as close with our goodbye song, "Go well and go safely, may God be ever with you and you and you...(pointing to each child)" Then I remind them that all you have to do is ask God and he will be with you, take care of you, all you have to do it ask.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Do you have a case?!
As I sat across the desk from my new lawyer, watching him read through my summary of events since this past summer, his facial reactions, body language and comments of "Wow!", "What?"..."Oh Wow". Upon finishing it he took off his glasses, rubbed his eyes and searched for words. He commented how sorry he felt for those kids, my kids. From there he began drafted an affidavit, going thought details, asking clarifying questions. As his secretary was busy typing up a final copy for me to sign, he explained his rules/guidelines, etc as my lawyer and asked if I had any questions. I then finally asked, "So realistically, do I have a case then?"
His response..."Do you HAVE A CASE?!" with wide eyes looking forward, then leaning back on his chair chuckling, "Do you think I would have spent the time with you if you didn't? Do you have a case? YES, not only do you have a case, I only could wish that my clients would come in with notes, details, facts, all the information and proof you have here. Yes, you most certainly have a case."
I asked him again to explain what happens next and again made sure that legal I dont' have to answer any more of my ex-husband's calls from jail. NO! Do not talk to him, you most certainly do not and should not. He explained the next steps of filing paperwork and getting an emergency full placement order and what will happen from there.
I left, not knowing where to go or what to do now. Two hours of going through all of that with yet another new person in my life was a bit, overwhelming, yet hopefully this time will be making a positive difference for my children. My worry hit as I was still in the office, as I turned back to him and his secretary, thanking them again and then saying, "I guess I am a bit concerned about when he is served the papers in jail. Right now he seems to think I am, in his mind, 'On his side' and when he read this...I am a bit worried what will happened." The lawyer reminded me I can call him anytime and obviously the police, as they are already aware of the situation. It just was a whirlwind of emotions as I drove to a local coffee shop/cafe for lunch and to journal or just try and process everything before heading home/back to my life.
It was beyond obvious to him that my children should not be around their father as he currently is. I agree. I still wrestle deep down with some feeling of quilt for not having them talk to their father. But as I type this I am reminded the response from this lawyer, that he is not sane/stable in a right mind that is healthy for the children to talk to him. He is right. Last time he called from jail, the only call I took, as I didn't know what to do when the recorded voice asked me if I would accept the free call from him...he spoke to my children, letting them know he had ordered the newest PSP Vita or Vista gaming device for them to play with/look forward to when he returned from jail. He also spoke with my daughter, making sure she had received her birthday gift, the American Girl doll she had wanted. After speaking with both children he kept talking to me. This is what really rattled me emotionally. At least his voice sounded better than it had in the hospital, but what he was saying....I had asked if he had spoke to his brother or sister, which no he hadn't and doesn't talk to either of them anymore. It sounds like his mother was the only person he had any outside contact with and so was telling me every detail of his life in jail, as if I was still his concerned wife. He explained how he has his own cell and how fortunate he was for that; that he had already made two 'friends', guys that didn't like him, that as he put it, were just jealous because he has the shortest sentencing of all of them. He said all nervously that he shouldn't be there. He continued telling me how the guards come through at 4 in the morning making all of this racket and you can't sleep and then at 5:15 they get you up for meds and chow and after that they take your blanket as they don't trust you with one after that, that they have to see all of your bright orange jumpsuit. He said he hadn't been to 'the hole' yet, but if you shuffle your feet when you walk, look at a guard wrong, you'll get sent there and hopes he doesn't...he kept going, explaining that he wasn't in the Huber work release section of the jail, but doesn't think he is going to go there as it cost more per day, plus he'd have to put his buddy up in a hotel room so he could drive him to and from work each day. Then, he continued by explaining that his work thinks he's in the alcohol treatment/rehab place in Oconomowau anyway, that he is off work due to a medical leave to get help/treatment. Finally the conversation, or rather his rambling ended and we were off the phone.
After the children were in bed that night his conversation kept replaying in my mind. Why had he went on and on about everything to me. I think, honestly he was lonely, I was there. But as it upset me, got to me, as he probably knew it would, I told a co-worker who promptly pointed out to me that is exactly what he wants. That I have no obligation to talk to him or listen to him. Next time he calls, do not talk to him, if he tries to talk to you tell him that you are no longer his wife, to call one of his roommates that you are not going to listen to him. She was right. Also, the lawyer was in agreement that it is not in the best interest of my children or myself to speak to him right now.
When my son had got off the phone, he questioned, confused again about when he was going to see Dad again and where he was. My daughter responded right away before I had a chance to, quite calm and confident that he was not in the hospital anymore, that he was in the other place for awhile, on his time out. That he was okay, but just has to be away for awhile. He stopped questioning for the time, but later that week had asked me when he could go back to Dad's house. I reminded him that Dad wasn't there and he said, "Then why can't we go play with my toys over there Mom?" I tried to explain to him that I can't go into Dad's house, to which he said he figured Dad's friends were still there and would let us in. To which, again I explained that it just doesn't work like that.
Tonight, beginning about 8 PM, when I was finishing up reading with my son, the phone rang with a call from the jail. I hung up the first time, the second, and on the third call I pressed the number it said to decline the call. Then a fourth call came in and I finally pressed the button the recording said I could press to block all calls from this number. After sighing a small sigh of relief, I went to say bedtime prayers with my daughter who was in her room reading. It was after this that I discovered three more calls on my cell phone and suddenly the home phone rang once again, this time it was my ex-husband's mother calling. It was very uncomfortable, as she had never called my house phone before and I was taken off-guard. She began saying she just spoke with my ex and he was very concerned that he was block, unable to talk to the children. I explained to her that the kids were in bed already and yes, I did block his calls as I didn't want the house phone waking up my son. I said that he was a bit confused after talking to him last time and I didnt' want him up and concerned tonight. She sounded very leery but continued on, saying that oh I suppose it is almost 9 o'clock already and then she continued with an update for him about how it is has been a drying out process from my ex and that he is on medical leave from work for now and told me when in March he will be out. I responded rather shortly to her that yes, he had shared all that with me when I had spoken to him and then we got off the phone. Feeling extremely uncomfortable, my daughter then appeared in the family room, questioning who I was on the phone with and why she had called. I explained that she called about Dad and she questioned with big eyes, he's okay right, still in the same place, nothing is wrong with him right? I responded that he was the same yes, not in the hospital. She sighed a big sigh of relief and then asked if she could have an extra snack and headed back to bed.
As she left to head back to bed, I sat back and tried to processes everything from today. I had done the right thing, I hope...as I know that when he receives the documents in court for me to have full placement of the children, it will not go over well. I tried to remind my self he went over two weeks with out talking or wanting to talk to the kids at all before he entered jail and I wasn't doing anything wrong not having them talk tonight.
Fortunately, after receiving a few messages from friends, I began to be reminded that I am strong, that I need to be strong for my children and need to protect them. As the lawyer said, in order to have time with the children he will need to meet certain criteria, which were quite basic things that you'd expect for any father having time with their children. I am not doing anything wrong by asking for full placement of the kids, but rather doing my best to keep them safe. I prayed this morning as I left, was blessed by an inspiring song on the radio that I needed to hear just before arriving at the new lawyer's office and was blessing by the comfort of friends tonight, reminding me I am doing the right thing.
His response..."Do you HAVE A CASE?!" with wide eyes looking forward, then leaning back on his chair chuckling, "Do you think I would have spent the time with you if you didn't? Do you have a case? YES, not only do you have a case, I only could wish that my clients would come in with notes, details, facts, all the information and proof you have here. Yes, you most certainly have a case."
I asked him again to explain what happens next and again made sure that legal I dont' have to answer any more of my ex-husband's calls from jail. NO! Do not talk to him, you most certainly do not and should not. He explained the next steps of filing paperwork and getting an emergency full placement order and what will happen from there.
I left, not knowing where to go or what to do now. Two hours of going through all of that with yet another new person in my life was a bit, overwhelming, yet hopefully this time will be making a positive difference for my children. My worry hit as I was still in the office, as I turned back to him and his secretary, thanking them again and then saying, "I guess I am a bit concerned about when he is served the papers in jail. Right now he seems to think I am, in his mind, 'On his side' and when he read this...I am a bit worried what will happened." The lawyer reminded me I can call him anytime and obviously the police, as they are already aware of the situation. It just was a whirlwind of emotions as I drove to a local coffee shop/cafe for lunch and to journal or just try and process everything before heading home/back to my life.
It was beyond obvious to him that my children should not be around their father as he currently is. I agree. I still wrestle deep down with some feeling of quilt for not having them talk to their father. But as I type this I am reminded the response from this lawyer, that he is not sane/stable in a right mind that is healthy for the children to talk to him. He is right. Last time he called from jail, the only call I took, as I didn't know what to do when the recorded voice asked me if I would accept the free call from him...he spoke to my children, letting them know he had ordered the newest PSP Vita or Vista gaming device for them to play with/look forward to when he returned from jail. He also spoke with my daughter, making sure she had received her birthday gift, the American Girl doll she had wanted. After speaking with both children he kept talking to me. This is what really rattled me emotionally. At least his voice sounded better than it had in the hospital, but what he was saying....I had asked if he had spoke to his brother or sister, which no he hadn't and doesn't talk to either of them anymore. It sounds like his mother was the only person he had any outside contact with and so was telling me every detail of his life in jail, as if I was still his concerned wife. He explained how he has his own cell and how fortunate he was for that; that he had already made two 'friends', guys that didn't like him, that as he put it, were just jealous because he has the shortest sentencing of all of them. He said all nervously that he shouldn't be there. He continued telling me how the guards come through at 4 in the morning making all of this racket and you can't sleep and then at 5:15 they get you up for meds and chow and after that they take your blanket as they don't trust you with one after that, that they have to see all of your bright orange jumpsuit. He said he hadn't been to 'the hole' yet, but if you shuffle your feet when you walk, look at a guard wrong, you'll get sent there and hopes he doesn't...he kept going, explaining that he wasn't in the Huber work release section of the jail, but doesn't think he is going to go there as it cost more per day, plus he'd have to put his buddy up in a hotel room so he could drive him to and from work each day. Then, he continued by explaining that his work thinks he's in the alcohol treatment/rehab place in Oconomowau anyway, that he is off work due to a medical leave to get help/treatment. Finally the conversation, or rather his rambling ended and we were off the phone.
After the children were in bed that night his conversation kept replaying in my mind. Why had he went on and on about everything to me. I think, honestly he was lonely, I was there. But as it upset me, got to me, as he probably knew it would, I told a co-worker who promptly pointed out to me that is exactly what he wants. That I have no obligation to talk to him or listen to him. Next time he calls, do not talk to him, if he tries to talk to you tell him that you are no longer his wife, to call one of his roommates that you are not going to listen to him. She was right. Also, the lawyer was in agreement that it is not in the best interest of my children or myself to speak to him right now.
When my son had got off the phone, he questioned, confused again about when he was going to see Dad again and where he was. My daughter responded right away before I had a chance to, quite calm and confident that he was not in the hospital anymore, that he was in the other place for awhile, on his time out. That he was okay, but just has to be away for awhile. He stopped questioning for the time, but later that week had asked me when he could go back to Dad's house. I reminded him that Dad wasn't there and he said, "Then why can't we go play with my toys over there Mom?" I tried to explain to him that I can't go into Dad's house, to which he said he figured Dad's friends were still there and would let us in. To which, again I explained that it just doesn't work like that.
Tonight, beginning about 8 PM, when I was finishing up reading with my son, the phone rang with a call from the jail. I hung up the first time, the second, and on the third call I pressed the number it said to decline the call. Then a fourth call came in and I finally pressed the button the recording said I could press to block all calls from this number. After sighing a small sigh of relief, I went to say bedtime prayers with my daughter who was in her room reading. It was after this that I discovered three more calls on my cell phone and suddenly the home phone rang once again, this time it was my ex-husband's mother calling. It was very uncomfortable, as she had never called my house phone before and I was taken off-guard. She began saying she just spoke with my ex and he was very concerned that he was block, unable to talk to the children. I explained to her that the kids were in bed already and yes, I did block his calls as I didn't want the house phone waking up my son. I said that he was a bit confused after talking to him last time and I didnt' want him up and concerned tonight. She sounded very leery but continued on, saying that oh I suppose it is almost 9 o'clock already and then she continued with an update for him about how it is has been a drying out process from my ex and that he is on medical leave from work for now and told me when in March he will be out. I responded rather shortly to her that yes, he had shared all that with me when I had spoken to him and then we got off the phone. Feeling extremely uncomfortable, my daughter then appeared in the family room, questioning who I was on the phone with and why she had called. I explained that she called about Dad and she questioned with big eyes, he's okay right, still in the same place, nothing is wrong with him right? I responded that he was the same yes, not in the hospital. She sighed a big sigh of relief and then asked if she could have an extra snack and headed back to bed.
As she left to head back to bed, I sat back and tried to processes everything from today. I had done the right thing, I hope...as I know that when he receives the documents in court for me to have full placement of the children, it will not go over well. I tried to remind my self he went over two weeks with out talking or wanting to talk to the kids at all before he entered jail and I wasn't doing anything wrong not having them talk tonight.
Fortunately, after receiving a few messages from friends, I began to be reminded that I am strong, that I need to be strong for my children and need to protect them. As the lawyer said, in order to have time with the children he will need to meet certain criteria, which were quite basic things that you'd expect for any father having time with their children. I am not doing anything wrong by asking for full placement of the kids, but rather doing my best to keep them safe. I prayed this morning as I left, was blessed by an inspiring song on the radio that I needed to hear just before arriving at the new lawyer's office and was blessing by the comfort of friends tonight, reminding me I am doing the right thing.
Monday, February 13, 2012
10 Years Ago Tonight
It was 10 years ago right now that I was in a recovery room, awakening to hear, I had a baby girl. I was groggy, tired and once I came to enough to hold her in my arms, in love in a way only a mother can understand. Tonight, I held my daughter in my arms (we'll arms around her hugging her as best I could) as she feel asleep. I laid there next to her, doing all I could to not cry. I was, I am so proud of her, so amazed at how smart, strong, wonderful she has become regardless of all that has occurred over the past ten years. Just before she drifted off to sleep, we had quite a mature talk for my exhausted little girl. We began with our prayer, then I brought up Dad, as we had just prayed that he gets better. She had said during the prayer, a comment asking God to please help the hospital make Dad all better. I started by telling her that it's okay to be sad, to cry, that she cried and that Mom was crying last night about Dad. I explained that when we care about someone, it really hurts to hear them in pain. I explained that he did leave the hospital tonight and that he would be going to jail tomorrow. She questioned how he could go, how the police would understand him when he talks like that, how he did last night when she had spoken to him. I explained they would be able to figure things out and then continued out talk to explain that when he goes to jail, it won't be like how they show it on TV/movies. I told her that it's okay to talk about it, that I had even talked to a police officer to find out more, as I didn't know either. I explained that he would just have a place to sleep and have time to think, again explaining it would be like a grown-up time out. No one will be hurting him or doing anything bad to him like they sometimes show on TV. She continued on, saying asking if he'll only have a book and cell phone then? I said, well, I know he can't have his phone or computer with him, but he'll have a bed, a place to sleep and sit yes. Her eyes bugged out as she almost laughed saying NO cell phone, I don't know what he'll do with out that! She asked about having to sleep on a cement bed and have to go to the bathroom with all sorts of guys watching him...we discussed any questions she had. Again, I reminded her that it's just a place for him to go and think about what happened. I told her it's not a high-security prison, where people who have killed people will be, that he's not going to be hurt there. She commented how it's kinda like her good friend who has to sometime have a time out on her stairs, no toys, books, just sit and think. I said that was a good way to put it.
She was also concerned if he would be on the news, to which I explained no. I said if he would have hit and killed someone when he was driving drunk, then yes, that may have been, but he was blessed that an officer found him not driving well and stopped him. That he didn't, nor did anyone else get hurt. I explained that the officer was concerned about his driving, then found out he had been drinking and took him to jail so that he wouldn't hurt anyone. That he then got to go home and talk about things with the judge. I explained that the judge listens to what happens and then told him not to drink anymore, to go to any bars, to be safe...she stopped me with her eyes big, "Whoops!" to each of those...and then I said that he may only be in jail a few weeks...the judge will decide that tomorrow, but when he keeps not following the rules, that might be why it is longer. She made a face and you could tell she understood. I said, after that, hopefully he will be going to that place, like a hospital, that we talked about to help him not drink/make bad choices anymore.
Then, again amazing me with her maturity at ten years old, she questioned, "Mom, is that why you guys got divorced? Because of his drinking and swearing at you all the time?" I explained that yes, that was part of it. I told her, as I have before, but maybe not in this way, that when we got married, when you were born ten years ago, he was not the same guy he is today. He really was loving and kind, it's just things changed, I really didn't want them too...I kept praying and hoping things would get better. She jumped in, "because he started drinking so much?" I said, yes, that was part of it, there was more too, but I can tell your more about that when you are older. Really, he was really treating me badly and I didn't want you to grow up like that, you should be able to grow up with love, parents that treat each other well...as much as I never wanted you to have two homes, to have to spend time apart from each of us, things were getting really bad and I didn't ever want you to think a Daddy could treat a Mommy like that...I don't ever want a man to treat you like that when you grow up. She was listening so intensely, taking everything in...she said, was it the stuff he was drinking that made him act like that? Do you think, if they help him not drink that stuff anymore, that he won't treat you bad and well, maybe you guys could be back together? I told her honestly, I will always have a place in my heart for Daddy, but I don't think that that will happen. I pray with you and by myself for him to get help, I really do, as I want you to know the guy he was when we did get married, when we had you.
I could tell she was really able to understand this finally, as she continued on saying, yah, my best friend's dad is really nice and he doesn't ever treat her mommy badly. Then she commented on two other dads she knows and how they are really nice too. From there I told her that was why I dated the man she met last summer, the man I was briefly engaged for the year before...that I was hoping one of them was a man that God wanted to bring into our lives, to love us, our family, so that she could be in a home with two grown ups that love each other and treat each other well too. I explained that unfortunately, the more time I spent with each of them, I learned they weren't the right ones, but reminder her I still talk or text with both of them, that we are still friends, but it will take some extremely special to be the one that I marry if I do again. I reminder her if that does happen, that Dad will still be her Dad, he would just be a bonus Dad...to which she jumped in with, oh I know, like a big brother or something. Something like that. I told her I am hoping God will bring him into my life soon, but for now, that doesn't matter. Right now the most important thing is that I am there for you and your brother, that you know every day how much you are loved, cared about and that things will be okay.
She smiled again and asked if we could start reading a little of her new book I had got for her birthday, as she saw my eyes were about to start crying and was worried. I said, yes, but reminder her that even if I did cry, that's okay. That it really is okay to cry, that it just means we really care about something.
I was so proud of her. So proud last night, during her sleep over birthday party, when her Dad had called wanting to talk to her...I really was nervous giving the phone to her, as she had came to use my bathroom, while her friends were doing make-up in the main one we have...I thought it this is going to happen, now is the best time if there was one. I handed her the phone as she nervously said, "Dad? Are you okay? I love you and miss you so much Dad...." I did everything humanly possible not to start crying as I listened to her, watched her well up with tears, practically shaking, as she said, "I want to give you a big hug too Dad"....after a few seconds more, she held up the phone away from her face a little and said, "Mom I don't know what to say to him." I told her that's okay, that she could just reminder her we are praying for him and say goodbye, that your friends are waiting. Which is what she did and hung up, really crying. I reminder her, he's in the hospital to get help. That I know he didn't sound very good, but he loves you so much and really wanted to wish you a happy birthday and I knew if you talked to him now, that your friends are out there, they won't care at all that you were/are crying. It was so true. She calmed down a bit, I gave her a big hug and we went back out to see them. I just explained quickly to them that all the she had just talked to Dad quick, that she's just a bit sad, but she'll be okay. From there, they surrounded her with love. I left the family room, weld up with tears as I heard them reminder he he's getting help and he's going to be okay and soon asking her if they could do her nails or something. I got to my room and shut the door and sat on my bed and cried, practically shaking, not knowing what to do. A few minutes later I called him back, as I had barely spoke with him and thought she would have handed me the phone instead of hanging up on him. I didn't know if it was a good idea, but I was hurting so much, hearing how he was hurting so much. When I called back, I asked again if he was at the hospital, to which he said yes, that he was going home tomorrow (today) and that he'd be going to court and probably jail then on Monday. The words were so slurred and so hard to understand, it sounded like he was crying too at the same time...I tried to ask when he'd start up at the treatment place his mom had spoke about this week when she had called me and he started to say he didn't know that he couldn't really talk as they gave him a sedative...I asked just now or awhile ago...he said in tears, after hanging up with our daughter that he couldn't take it, that they gave it to him then and barely coherent said he had to go. I, crying the entire time we spoke hung up and crying so hard, so deeply it hurt so much inside that I could hardly breathe. I was having such a hard time trying to catch my breath, to keep breathing, that I picked the phone back up and called one of my closest friends, who has been through all of this with me over the past 20 years. She answered, heard me crying and listened as I explained how painful it was to watch Allie try and talk to him, to hear his original message he had left on my cell phone earlier in the party, where he could barely speak, saying he was still in the hospital, that he had ordered her gift to come to my house later this week and in full tears said he just wanted so much to wish his little girl a happy birthday. How could I not be hurting, she reminded me this was a man I once loved, shared years of my life with and to hear him in so much pain. But she also reminded me, he is where he needs to be, getting help, being watched over. When I explained that it doesn't sound like he's going from there to rehab, that he's going to jail still on Monday, she questioned too, is he just going to leave the hospital like that? Just drive home and spend the night back at his place? How can they let him do that? I said, well, I know others said that detox is usually 72 hours tops, so I dont' understand why he is still at the hospital and no, that he doesn't have a license, but the hospital don't have any say as to if he just drives home. She said too how sad it was that he was not going in for help and neither of us understood or know how he'll make it in the jail this week with his body going through such severe withdrawal. I tried to figure out how to breath again, to come back to the reality that there were five ten year old girls giggling now out in the other room...at the point when my daughter opened the daughter of my room.
She looked at me and her face filled with fear as she asked, "Did he die? Did Dad die?!" No, no, honey, I just felt really sad about Daddy like you did and since you had your friends out there that cheered you up, I thought if I called my friend, she could help me. She asked whatever she had came in to ask me quickly disappeared back to see her friends. We soon got off the phone and somehow I was able to pull myself together. I could totally understand where she thought that sadly, as listening to him, it really, really did not sound good.
Today, this afternoon, on my daughters birthday, the phone rang again. As I got there, it went to voice mail and when I saw who it was from, I was so, so glad it had. I nervously listened to the message he had left and heard his shaky, slurred voice explain that he was just released from the hospital and was heading home. That he was going to court and jail early tomorrow morning and wanted to know if he could please, (now in tears) please stop by and give his daughter a birthday hug.
I did everything I could to keep from balling, as my son was playing nearby and my daughter had just stepped into her room. I nevously paced back to my room for something and then got the courage to go into hers and shut the door and tried to calmly explain to her that her Dad had just called and wanted to talk to her, to wish her a happy birthday. "I don't want to talk to him. We don't have to do we? I said, no, I know how had it was for you to talk with him last night, it was for me too. That, he got to say Happy Birthday then and if she didn't want to call back she didn't have to. To which she said, "No mom and no please don't start crying again." I told her it was okay if either if us cry, but no, I'm not going to right now and left. I scurried around the house straightening up party messes as I couldn't sit down, I couldn't not let my ex-husband see or talk to his own daughter on her birthday...yet was reminded when my friend last night said that it would probably be best not to have the kids talk to him until he starts to make some progress, to get more help as it will only be hard on/hurt them to talk to him like that. She didn't see how it could be good for the kids to have to deal with that. I reminded myself this a couple more times and posted a message on Facebook to my friends someone stating and someone asking if I was making the right call not to call him back.
As I end this post, I sit here with a purring new kitten of all of five months old we somehow rescued and added to our family yesterday morning on my arm. As I have said before, I really am a dog person, but when we went to the pet store to look at the guinea pigs for my daughters birthday yesterday...the local humane society came in with this kitten among other animals, that my children could not take their eyes off of. We left to run our other errands, picked up a few starter items from the kitten at Target and suddenly found ourselves adopting our new family member. I can't remember the last time I saw both of my children filled with such joy. Not just the time we spent there waiting while I filled out all the paper work and heard the wonderful news about the deal they had for Valentine's Day, only 15 dollars, almost half the of the guinea pig we had come to see, but the joy all weekend until bedtime tonight, that this silly little kitten has brought to both of my children. Seeing so much love and joy, it was what we needed to get through this weekend, this week...not to mention as my sister pointed out after hearing the news..."Good idea going with the kitten, as the kids were so worried about missing the one they won't be seeing much for awhile at their Dad's." Yes, the kitten had been around children and a dog before the paper work said...and yes both of our dogs had been around a cat before I moved out almost 4 years now...I know I am not a "cat person" but I am an animal lover and most importantly love my children so much that perhaps this is just the thing we all need to focus love and attention on while we are facing a rather challenging time in our life.
She was also concerned if he would be on the news, to which I explained no. I said if he would have hit and killed someone when he was driving drunk, then yes, that may have been, but he was blessed that an officer found him not driving well and stopped him. That he didn't, nor did anyone else get hurt. I explained that the officer was concerned about his driving, then found out he had been drinking and took him to jail so that he wouldn't hurt anyone. That he then got to go home and talk about things with the judge. I explained that the judge listens to what happens and then told him not to drink anymore, to go to any bars, to be safe...she stopped me with her eyes big, "Whoops!" to each of those...and then I said that he may only be in jail a few weeks...the judge will decide that tomorrow, but when he keeps not following the rules, that might be why it is longer. She made a face and you could tell she understood. I said, after that, hopefully he will be going to that place, like a hospital, that we talked about to help him not drink/make bad choices anymore.
Then, again amazing me with her maturity at ten years old, she questioned, "Mom, is that why you guys got divorced? Because of his drinking and swearing at you all the time?" I explained that yes, that was part of it. I told her, as I have before, but maybe not in this way, that when we got married, when you were born ten years ago, he was not the same guy he is today. He really was loving and kind, it's just things changed, I really didn't want them too...I kept praying and hoping things would get better. She jumped in, "because he started drinking so much?" I said, yes, that was part of it, there was more too, but I can tell your more about that when you are older. Really, he was really treating me badly and I didn't want you to grow up like that, you should be able to grow up with love, parents that treat each other well...as much as I never wanted you to have two homes, to have to spend time apart from each of us, things were getting really bad and I didn't ever want you to think a Daddy could treat a Mommy like that...I don't ever want a man to treat you like that when you grow up. She was listening so intensely, taking everything in...she said, was it the stuff he was drinking that made him act like that? Do you think, if they help him not drink that stuff anymore, that he won't treat you bad and well, maybe you guys could be back together? I told her honestly, I will always have a place in my heart for Daddy, but I don't think that that will happen. I pray with you and by myself for him to get help, I really do, as I want you to know the guy he was when we did get married, when we had you.
I could tell she was really able to understand this finally, as she continued on saying, yah, my best friend's dad is really nice and he doesn't ever treat her mommy badly. Then she commented on two other dads she knows and how they are really nice too. From there I told her that was why I dated the man she met last summer, the man I was briefly engaged for the year before...that I was hoping one of them was a man that God wanted to bring into our lives, to love us, our family, so that she could be in a home with two grown ups that love each other and treat each other well too. I explained that unfortunately, the more time I spent with each of them, I learned they weren't the right ones, but reminder her I still talk or text with both of them, that we are still friends, but it will take some extremely special to be the one that I marry if I do again. I reminder her if that does happen, that Dad will still be her Dad, he would just be a bonus Dad...to which she jumped in with, oh I know, like a big brother or something. Something like that. I told her I am hoping God will bring him into my life soon, but for now, that doesn't matter. Right now the most important thing is that I am there for you and your brother, that you know every day how much you are loved, cared about and that things will be okay.
She smiled again and asked if we could start reading a little of her new book I had got for her birthday, as she saw my eyes were about to start crying and was worried. I said, yes, but reminder her that even if I did cry, that's okay. That it really is okay to cry, that it just means we really care about something.
I was so proud of her. So proud last night, during her sleep over birthday party, when her Dad had called wanting to talk to her...I really was nervous giving the phone to her, as she had came to use my bathroom, while her friends were doing make-up in the main one we have...I thought it this is going to happen, now is the best time if there was one. I handed her the phone as she nervously said, "Dad? Are you okay? I love you and miss you so much Dad...." I did everything humanly possible not to start crying as I listened to her, watched her well up with tears, practically shaking, as she said, "I want to give you a big hug too Dad"....after a few seconds more, she held up the phone away from her face a little and said, "Mom I don't know what to say to him." I told her that's okay, that she could just reminder her we are praying for him and say goodbye, that your friends are waiting. Which is what she did and hung up, really crying. I reminder her, he's in the hospital to get help. That I know he didn't sound very good, but he loves you so much and really wanted to wish you a happy birthday and I knew if you talked to him now, that your friends are out there, they won't care at all that you were/are crying. It was so true. She calmed down a bit, I gave her a big hug and we went back out to see them. I just explained quickly to them that all the she had just talked to Dad quick, that she's just a bit sad, but she'll be okay. From there, they surrounded her with love. I left the family room, weld up with tears as I heard them reminder he he's getting help and he's going to be okay and soon asking her if they could do her nails or something. I got to my room and shut the door and sat on my bed and cried, practically shaking, not knowing what to do. A few minutes later I called him back, as I had barely spoke with him and thought she would have handed me the phone instead of hanging up on him. I didn't know if it was a good idea, but I was hurting so much, hearing how he was hurting so much. When I called back, I asked again if he was at the hospital, to which he said yes, that he was going home tomorrow (today) and that he'd be going to court and probably jail then on Monday. The words were so slurred and so hard to understand, it sounded like he was crying too at the same time...I tried to ask when he'd start up at the treatment place his mom had spoke about this week when she had called me and he started to say he didn't know that he couldn't really talk as they gave him a sedative...I asked just now or awhile ago...he said in tears, after hanging up with our daughter that he couldn't take it, that they gave it to him then and barely coherent said he had to go. I, crying the entire time we spoke hung up and crying so hard, so deeply it hurt so much inside that I could hardly breathe. I was having such a hard time trying to catch my breath, to keep breathing, that I picked the phone back up and called one of my closest friends, who has been through all of this with me over the past 20 years. She answered, heard me crying and listened as I explained how painful it was to watch Allie try and talk to him, to hear his original message he had left on my cell phone earlier in the party, where he could barely speak, saying he was still in the hospital, that he had ordered her gift to come to my house later this week and in full tears said he just wanted so much to wish his little girl a happy birthday. How could I not be hurting, she reminded me this was a man I once loved, shared years of my life with and to hear him in so much pain. But she also reminded me, he is where he needs to be, getting help, being watched over. When I explained that it doesn't sound like he's going from there to rehab, that he's going to jail still on Monday, she questioned too, is he just going to leave the hospital like that? Just drive home and spend the night back at his place? How can they let him do that? I said, well, I know others said that detox is usually 72 hours tops, so I dont' understand why he is still at the hospital and no, that he doesn't have a license, but the hospital don't have any say as to if he just drives home. She said too how sad it was that he was not going in for help and neither of us understood or know how he'll make it in the jail this week with his body going through such severe withdrawal. I tried to figure out how to breath again, to come back to the reality that there were five ten year old girls giggling now out in the other room...at the point when my daughter opened the daughter of my room.
She looked at me and her face filled with fear as she asked, "Did he die? Did Dad die?!" No, no, honey, I just felt really sad about Daddy like you did and since you had your friends out there that cheered you up, I thought if I called my friend, she could help me. She asked whatever she had came in to ask me quickly disappeared back to see her friends. We soon got off the phone and somehow I was able to pull myself together. I could totally understand where she thought that sadly, as listening to him, it really, really did not sound good.
Today, this afternoon, on my daughters birthday, the phone rang again. As I got there, it went to voice mail and when I saw who it was from, I was so, so glad it had. I nervously listened to the message he had left and heard his shaky, slurred voice explain that he was just released from the hospital and was heading home. That he was going to court and jail early tomorrow morning and wanted to know if he could please, (now in tears) please stop by and give his daughter a birthday hug.
I did everything I could to keep from balling, as my son was playing nearby and my daughter had just stepped into her room. I nevously paced back to my room for something and then got the courage to go into hers and shut the door and tried to calmly explain to her that her Dad had just called and wanted to talk to her, to wish her a happy birthday. "I don't want to talk to him. We don't have to do we? I said, no, I know how had it was for you to talk with him last night, it was for me too. That, he got to say Happy Birthday then and if she didn't want to call back she didn't have to. To which she said, "No mom and no please don't start crying again." I told her it was okay if either if us cry, but no, I'm not going to right now and left. I scurried around the house straightening up party messes as I couldn't sit down, I couldn't not let my ex-husband see or talk to his own daughter on her birthday...yet was reminded when my friend last night said that it would probably be best not to have the kids talk to him until he starts to make some progress, to get more help as it will only be hard on/hurt them to talk to him like that. She didn't see how it could be good for the kids to have to deal with that. I reminded myself this a couple more times and posted a message on Facebook to my friends someone stating and someone asking if I was making the right call not to call him back.
As I end this post, I sit here with a purring new kitten of all of five months old we somehow rescued and added to our family yesterday morning on my arm. As I have said before, I really am a dog person, but when we went to the pet store to look at the guinea pigs for my daughters birthday yesterday...the local humane society came in with this kitten among other animals, that my children could not take their eyes off of. We left to run our other errands, picked up a few starter items from the kitten at Target and suddenly found ourselves adopting our new family member. I can't remember the last time I saw both of my children filled with such joy. Not just the time we spent there waiting while I filled out all the paper work and heard the wonderful news about the deal they had for Valentine's Day, only 15 dollars, almost half the of the guinea pig we had come to see, but the joy all weekend until bedtime tonight, that this silly little kitten has brought to both of my children. Seeing so much love and joy, it was what we needed to get through this weekend, this week...not to mention as my sister pointed out after hearing the news..."Good idea going with the kitten, as the kids were so worried about missing the one they won't be seeing much for awhile at their Dad's." Yes, the kitten had been around children and a dog before the paper work said...and yes both of our dogs had been around a cat before I moved out almost 4 years now...I know I am not a "cat person" but I am an animal lover and most importantly love my children so much that perhaps this is just the thing we all need to focus love and attention on while we are facing a rather challenging time in our life.
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