So I set out into this new year not with resolutions, but on a journey. To improve/strengthen myself in terms of getting more exercise, more sleep, eating healthier foods, spending more time growing spiritually, having more patience with myself so I can do so with others. I think I have done pretty well the first half of the month. I am definitely eating healthier, getting more sleep, improving how often I work out, but can still use some work on that. The part I am most excited/proud of is the work I am doing growing spiritually. I have discovered the best way for me to finally go through and read the entire Bible in a year. By listening to the pod-casts on my computer each evening, or whenever it works best into my day, I am reading along in my Bible and enjoy listening to a brief summary placing what I just read/heard in context of the world back when it was written. I have never read through the Bible before, but believe it will only deepen my understanding and help strengthen my faith. Along with reading/listening, I also just finished reading the book, Passages: How reading the bible in a year will change everything for you by Brian Hardin. He is the man who began pod-casting the reading of the bible six years ago, as he worked in the recording/music with Christian music and was doing it the first year to keep himself accountable for making his resolution of reading through the entire bible. Not only did he do so, but in a few months, a website was set up with interactive chat rooms to discuss the readings. Prayer rooms, or links so that you can state a pray request or find someone to pray for around the clock. He found such positive, amazing results in his own life with this experience, that he continued on the following year and the years to follow due to all the positive feedback from others, all over the world. He can now be heard in all different languages, travels around the world with his wife at times, to meet, share/listen to stories from lives touched by his ministry.
In December, 2011, his book was published and a review of it in a Christian magazine I enjoy reading, it what brought me to all of this. I just finished reading this book yesterday and it was wonderful. What was also amazing was that the message I read Saturday night in the chapters I had just finished was the same message that I was hearing my pastor share in church yesterday morning. It was about allowing yourself time, silence, a chance to listen for God speaking to you. Whether it be through the written words in the Bible, through the spoken word, or through words that others say to you. Some believe God is always trying to speak to us, if we only allow ourselves to listen, to become aware of his help and guidance. Our pastor said yesterday that when she decided to go to seminary, she never had that magical experience that some do, where God actual speaks directly to her. But she believes it was God speaking to her through others, friends and family that brought her to where she is. A story she told also gave a example of a women who continued to pray through a challenging time in her life and didn't understand why God wasn't answering her prayers...come to find out he was, just not in the direct way she was expecting.
So I was trying to decide what it was about this book I liked so much, so that I could summarize it for you today. Of course I enjoyed the gray boxes from real people who had experienced change in their life, with each unique example, but I don't think I'd suggest the book based on that. I think it is the way the author speaks of his own real life.
I considered the poverty of the semi-agnostic life I'd been living. Let's be honest: Isn't that pretty much how many of us live as Western Christians? We acknowledge God and possibly even go to church regularly. Perhaps we even donate generously. But when push comes to shove, what kind of spiritual foundation do we really have? pg 18
He was right, I was, I am searching for that foundation. So that when I talk with others who are not sure, questioning Christianity, I am better informed to discuss with them. Not just that, but to understand that others, thousands of years ago faced hardships and survived/thrived with the help of God.
The Bible isn't hocus pocus and reading it doesn't give you magical powers, but it does reveal to you who you really are and illumines a path that you were created to walk. When I began to believe its words and obey its instructions, life began to align with what it said, and this has made all the difference. My heart has been transformed completely. I find myself passionate about hings that previously seemed drudgery. The neon blinking lights of culture do not seduce me as they once did. I have little use for the plastic life that makes many promises but rarely delivers anything at all. pg 26
The Bible isn't a magic book of ancient wisdom; it's a book about life and about God's love for you....The Bible will challenge you to reorient your life to God and will offer you the life you were created to live-which may not be the life you are currently in. What you'll find is the utter relief of truly trusting God and finally believing that although his ways are beyond us, he actually knows what he's doing. He really does love us, is present and wants authentic life to be our everyday experience.... pg 43
He continues on explaining that we will receive hope, peace, correction, guidance and self-discipline, life, maturity, and a friend with endless benefits. Brian explains that the Bible must be approached a as story through God's people through history and reminds us it hasn't ended, that we too are a part of it. He stresses that the Bible wasn't made for you to open and magically be drawn to a couple words for guidance, but rather you need to read and absorb, take in and process.
The Bible is a book of examples, not a book of exceptions. The characters in Scripture are unlikely heroes....The Bible isn't devoid of utter humanity and frailty. The heroes and heroines on its pages were all ordinary people who, with God's help, did extraordinary things. All the grit of life is in the Bible because all the grit of humanity is what brings the biblical context to life....This is the story of the people of the Bible. This is our story. pg 71
Again, I loved the way Brain helps us to take a different perspective at what we are reading.
If we're going to grow into the maturity God has designed us to have, we must modify our thinking. We must begin to think in terms of wholeness, connection, and integration-about the proverbial forest as well as the trees. This is a stark contrast to modern culture, which has us parsing life into small, disconnected elements that we can arrange and rearrange to fit our circumstance's. pg 72
For Scripture to have the impact we long for and to bring us the life it promises, we have to be willing to follow wherever it leads us. This is going to wreak some havoc on our best-laid plains--especially for those of us who gauge our value with checklists and efficiency quotas. But is also the only way to discover genuine life...We dont' merely read the Bible; we live it. That's how we experience life with God. Life on earth is not a waiting game. pg 101
This is the last part I'll quote for you....and then I'll explain why I did...
His commitment to making space in his life to listen to God was a vital component of his life and ministry. (referring to Jesus) Trying to keep up with the speed of the world we live in and dealing with the endless distractions and obligations pressing in on every side of our lives threaten the very core of who we are as spiritual beings created in the image of God. In the midst of this kind of life, what would happen if we sat still, even just of five minutes? No texting, no phone calls, no email, no television, no radio and no Internet. What would five minutes of distraction-free silence be like? What about ten? Fifteen? At what point would we be ready to crawl out of our skin? Our discomfort with silence, with stillness, reveals how addicted we are to motion. It shapes and defines us. We dont' want to be alone without the comfort of something to do, a distration within arm's reach. Yet, if we are unwilling to withdraw to a solitary place---to make sacred space in our lives for God---we will never be quiet enough to hear the whispers of guidance we need to simply survived, much less experience life to the full. pg 102
That, my friends, is what stuck out most in this entire book. That was, as Oprah calls it, the "ah-ha" moment. Trying to mediate, to relax at the end of yoga class, trying to be okay with not having places to go and things to do...that is my and I think many of our biggest challenges. Because, being alone all weekend without my kids this past weekend, with no plans, no other people to talk to, that is what you have to face the silence. Silence is something I've always been scared of. Yes, I have the TV on many times for background noise...or I am sitting with my laptop searching Facebook, Pinterest or just finding anything to do so that I won't have to be forced to just be, with my thoughts. That is why I don't go to bed until late hours at night, until I am ready to fall asleep sitting up in my chair, as I know if I go to bed any earlier, I'll be faced with that stillness, that silence. I have grown up in that Western/modern culture where we always have something that can distract us if we so desire.
Forcing myself to face the silence, that is that scary part, but why? I think because all the thoughts, worries, anxieties about my life come rushing to the front of my mind, overwhelm my head with stress and concern at times. But reading and listening to the passages of the Bible each night, taking time to thinking about what is being said and how I can apply each lesson to my life, that gives me another way to face the silence. To become stronger in my faith and understanding that I shouldn't be waisting energy on those anxieties anyway, as God will take care of me and to instead listen to what he has to say, that is where I should go when silence arrives. It is not what we are use too. Giving control of our problems in life to God and it is not something we release easily. I have gone in spurts, the past few years, of having faith, giving over my troubles to God and having the faith that he will help me through the tough times and help me discover joy in life again. Why is it that we are so easily taken away from being at that level of faith? I guess that is part of being human. Doubting, being sucked into beliefs that it wont' get better, I won't be okay, allowing fear to get the better of me.
Instead of using this blog entry to update you on my challenges in my life, as I used up eleven pages in my journal Saturday night writing about how concerned I was about things, I decided to instead give them to God and have faith that he will take care of those things. As Brain Hardin said at the end or start of one of the pod casts I recently listened to, what if we take this Bible and believe it, hold it to be true, have faith in it, if only for one year, imagine how life changing it could be. After the last year in my life, I am ready to journey deeper into a better understanding of my faith, in Christianity. Who knows where it will take me...
Monday, January 16, 2012
Monday, January 2, 2012
It has begun!
What a difference a year makes. Moments ago, I looked back at what I had typed on my 1-1-11 blog post and just reading it began taking me back...yet fortunately I could click on New Post and start again, start anew start with a clean slate. As I was sitting here trying to figure out just how to start this post, I am pulled back to a conversation I had with my daughter last night, on the way to celebrate New Year's in Madison, she questioned why do we celebrate New Year's? Why is it called a holiday? Does it have to do with the Bible, like Christmas Mom? She had a very good question, as she often does, and after stumbling around with my response, I came up with the fact that starting a year is like a clean slate, a chance to start a new year and maybe try new things, or try not to do certain things. I explained that some people make resolutions, things they are going to try to improve or change about themselves or their behaviors or create new goals. But then pointed out that you don't have to, it's a choice. This morning, driving them to their Dad's so they can spend the rest of their weekend with him, (as it was my year for New Year's) I questions if things looked different now that it's a new year, if it felt different. Nope, it all looks the same out there, they both responded, but after having quite a few more New Year's then they have, it did feel a bit different to me.
I didn't make any official resolutions myself. I know the odds that people who make them don't keep them. But I did view today as a new chance on life. I associated so much difficulty, negativity to last year, to a point where I lumped up the entire year to a wash, a bad thing. Really though, it wasn't. I was blessed with so many wonderful moments with my children, my friends, with kids through church that I worked with, through walks and photograph's in nature, with time alone learning more about God and about myself. Yes, it was a year filled with more challenges that I had wishes for, but I made it. Perhaps that's why it felt so good today to look at a new calendar on my fridge. It was like a reminder that I made it and now new wonderful things can happen. Truly, if you were positive, optimistic enough, you could view each day, each week or month in this way, but for me, right now, it was the dropping of that ball on TV, the hugs from both of my amazing children and then hugs to my two loyal dogs that made me feel so proud, excited, happy. Yes, this year, I didn't enter it with tears, I entered it with smiles, filled with joy. That was my one resolution I had made last year...a search for joy. I suppose I did reach it...as last night and today, even after I had dropped off my children at their Dad's, it was still there, inside of me, joy.
I am entering this year with a different take on life. Without setting official goals, as they still scare me, I do hope to focus on staying healthy, taking care of myself, as well as my children. I want to eat healthier, to get more exercise, gradually, I want to feel confident in myself and I am getting there. I want to model these behaviors so that my children learn them as well. I want to be in the present, to enjoy the present, each day as best as I can, instead of wasting my time worrying about things I can not change or control. I am getting there, it's a process I know, so I want to continue on that path. Again, that's why I dont' want to create goals or resolutions because I know I'm a work in process and that I'll always have a lot to learn along the way.
At the end of this past year, I finally got the courage or whatever you call it to start sketching again, to get out some paints and try creating something on a canvas. During a movie I watched a couple days ago, "The Art of Getting By", the high school senior was struggling with what to draw, the paint, for his final art project...the other students would say how talented he was, but he just could get himself to draw, to put something on that canvas...his art teacher said something to him...I wish I had wrote it down now, something about it doesn't matter what you do, just get started, start the process and it will come...if you can get yourself to start, you can create it maybe you won't like the first thing you make, but you've started the process, you've begun and got the your creative juices flowing and can keep going until it evolves to where you want it too. Okay, I don't know how much of that was said or just taken in by me as I was so easily taken back to that same place...to my senior year, where I too was asked my the Talented and Gifted coordinator in our school to created a mural and I just couldn't do it. I felt too much pressure and I just wasn't strong enough, good enough, I didn't have enough self-esteem. Somehow, with great patience, I did take on an oil painting class and did have my work chosen for a Madison art show...I just didn't feel I had talent, I couldn't see what they were seeing. I was so concerned about getting approval from others, of people liking me and what I did that I just couldn't risk criticism.
Now, as a mom, I can see similar feelings in my own children and I want to do whatever I can to help them achieve a level of self-esteem, of self-confidence that I never had. Of course I want it balanced with compassion, empathy, respect and love, but I think there can be some balance there. The more I read and learn from God, I know now and wish I knew then, it's not about what all those others think, it's about God loving you and wanting you to feel loved, alive and enjoy life with all the gifts he has blessed you with. Yes, we all have different gifts. I could never do the scientific research my sister does working as an aerospace engineer, but in the big picture, it doesn't matter. When I die, people won't talk about how smart I was or how much money I made, I hope they talk about how loving I was. How full of joy I was and how I could help children, my own and those I teach or work with, to find that joy and love in their own lives. I finally realized I don't have to have a special degree, or house or marriage or picture perfect family, what matters is that I am blessed, so blessed with the life I have been given. I have been given two amazing children and an opportunity to share joy with others, with children, with friends, with coworkers. It's not about pleasing others anymore, it's just about embracing joy in life so that it can radiate off of me and reflect onto others. That I can be in the moment to hear what others need prayers for, or concerns in their lives or joy they want to share. Not to be so self-absorbed or concerned about me. How am I going to pay my bills, what am I going to do for work to make more money, what will happen when my ex-husband goes to jail this winter, what will happen if my six month check up shows the pre-cancer cells have grown instead of going away. Today, this first (well as I look at the clock, second) day of the new year, I am refocusing my attention on finding the joy in each day. I have read the Bible verses and quote about giving your worries to God and finally am at a point where I can actually do that.
I realize on this first day of the new year I'm filled with extra optimism, working out, eating healthy, listening to the Daily Audio Bible, working on paintings, feeling alive and filled with hope...I think the goal is to keep some form of that hope each day. On the mornings where life makes me want to hide under the covers, I need to remember the feeling right now. There is hope for this new year, this new day. Each day may not be filled with as much joy and optimism, but that just means the next day will have more, right?
Yes, I did feel different in a good way on this first day of the New Year. I have no expectations from it, only hope for more joy and less worry. Happy New Year.
I didn't make any official resolutions myself. I know the odds that people who make them don't keep them. But I did view today as a new chance on life. I associated so much difficulty, negativity to last year, to a point where I lumped up the entire year to a wash, a bad thing. Really though, it wasn't. I was blessed with so many wonderful moments with my children, my friends, with kids through church that I worked with, through walks and photograph's in nature, with time alone learning more about God and about myself. Yes, it was a year filled with more challenges that I had wishes for, but I made it. Perhaps that's why it felt so good today to look at a new calendar on my fridge. It was like a reminder that I made it and now new wonderful things can happen. Truly, if you were positive, optimistic enough, you could view each day, each week or month in this way, but for me, right now, it was the dropping of that ball on TV, the hugs from both of my amazing children and then hugs to my two loyal dogs that made me feel so proud, excited, happy. Yes, this year, I didn't enter it with tears, I entered it with smiles, filled with joy. That was my one resolution I had made last year...a search for joy. I suppose I did reach it...as last night and today, even after I had dropped off my children at their Dad's, it was still there, inside of me, joy.
I am entering this year with a different take on life. Without setting official goals, as they still scare me, I do hope to focus on staying healthy, taking care of myself, as well as my children. I want to eat healthier, to get more exercise, gradually, I want to feel confident in myself and I am getting there. I want to model these behaviors so that my children learn them as well. I want to be in the present, to enjoy the present, each day as best as I can, instead of wasting my time worrying about things I can not change or control. I am getting there, it's a process I know, so I want to continue on that path. Again, that's why I dont' want to create goals or resolutions because I know I'm a work in process and that I'll always have a lot to learn along the way.
At the end of this past year, I finally got the courage or whatever you call it to start sketching again, to get out some paints and try creating something on a canvas. During a movie I watched a couple days ago, "The Art of Getting By", the high school senior was struggling with what to draw, the paint, for his final art project...the other students would say how talented he was, but he just could get himself to draw, to put something on that canvas...his art teacher said something to him...I wish I had wrote it down now, something about it doesn't matter what you do, just get started, start the process and it will come...if you can get yourself to start, you can create it maybe you won't like the first thing you make, but you've started the process, you've begun and got the your creative juices flowing and can keep going until it evolves to where you want it too. Okay, I don't know how much of that was said or just taken in by me as I was so easily taken back to that same place...to my senior year, where I too was asked my the Talented and Gifted coordinator in our school to created a mural and I just couldn't do it. I felt too much pressure and I just wasn't strong enough, good enough, I didn't have enough self-esteem. Somehow, with great patience, I did take on an oil painting class and did have my work chosen for a Madison art show...I just didn't feel I had talent, I couldn't see what they were seeing. I was so concerned about getting approval from others, of people liking me and what I did that I just couldn't risk criticism.
Now, as a mom, I can see similar feelings in my own children and I want to do whatever I can to help them achieve a level of self-esteem, of self-confidence that I never had. Of course I want it balanced with compassion, empathy, respect and love, but I think there can be some balance there. The more I read and learn from God, I know now and wish I knew then, it's not about what all those others think, it's about God loving you and wanting you to feel loved, alive and enjoy life with all the gifts he has blessed you with. Yes, we all have different gifts. I could never do the scientific research my sister does working as an aerospace engineer, but in the big picture, it doesn't matter. When I die, people won't talk about how smart I was or how much money I made, I hope they talk about how loving I was. How full of joy I was and how I could help children, my own and those I teach or work with, to find that joy and love in their own lives. I finally realized I don't have to have a special degree, or house or marriage or picture perfect family, what matters is that I am blessed, so blessed with the life I have been given. I have been given two amazing children and an opportunity to share joy with others, with children, with friends, with coworkers. It's not about pleasing others anymore, it's just about embracing joy in life so that it can radiate off of me and reflect onto others. That I can be in the moment to hear what others need prayers for, or concerns in their lives or joy they want to share. Not to be so self-absorbed or concerned about me. How am I going to pay my bills, what am I going to do for work to make more money, what will happen when my ex-husband goes to jail this winter, what will happen if my six month check up shows the pre-cancer cells have grown instead of going away. Today, this first (well as I look at the clock, second) day of the new year, I am refocusing my attention on finding the joy in each day. I have read the Bible verses and quote about giving your worries to God and finally am at a point where I can actually do that.
I realize on this first day of the new year I'm filled with extra optimism, working out, eating healthy, listening to the Daily Audio Bible, working on paintings, feeling alive and filled with hope...I think the goal is to keep some form of that hope each day. On the mornings where life makes me want to hide under the covers, I need to remember the feeling right now. There is hope for this new year, this new day. Each day may not be filled with as much joy and optimism, but that just means the next day will have more, right?
Yes, I did feel different in a good way on this first day of the New Year. I have no expectations from it, only hope for more joy and less worry. Happy New Year.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Yes I am single. You're going to have to be amazing to change that!
Thank you Pinterest. For that inspiration quote and many, many others I have discovered over the past couple weeks. A few Thursdays ago, I was saying to a friend how depressed I was surfing aimlessly through Facebook postings and she said...that is when you go to Pinterest! Huh? Yes, I discovered yet another world out here on the web. One a bit more inspirational (if you aren't looking at the fitness images that I just can't be comparing myself to today/yet). I have already come across craft, food, photography, style/fashion ideas, but the most fun I have are repinning "inspirational quotes". I have have been manually saving these types of tid-bits the old fashion way, with a pen and paper, over the years...but I have hit a gold mine on my new evening addiction.
Today, ready through, repinning a few, I was thinking through my day/weekend as I always tend to do on Sunday nights. This time I had a different take on a few of the things going through my mind. I started wondering why is it we allow other people's thoughts, comments, reactions or lack of actions to have any say on how we feel?
When I switch back to Facebook and read through postings I often begin to wonder why am I searching through this site? I love to see pics of my friends/their kids, hear good news...but so often it turns out to be other stuff. I'm guilty as well, of posting negativity. But why do we do it, to wait for someone else to comment to help us feel better or justify that we have the right to feel that way? Why do we spend hours online or repeatedly check back in for updates...are we watching for some earth-shattering news? I have a close friend who still refuses to use Facebook. She is convinced it's evil. That it allows to many people to easily make choice they shouldn't and couldn't as easily be doing otherwise. I have always seen her point to this. I have spoke with another person about a week ago, while I was update a bit of my own personal life and apparently I hadnt' realize how I had been hurt by things on Facebook until the other person commented how evil Facebook can be...how it can really hurt people...yet it's a way to stay connected to so many and we discussed a bit the yin-yang to that. Then this weekend, I had texted my sister about something and said she must not have seen it on Facebook yet...about an hour later she type back upset about something else she had seen posted and explained that's why she tries to stay off of that thing, it only upsets her...hmmm maybe some folks in my life are onto something here....
On a similar plane/note, this idea of reconnecting, staying connected with people who have exited our lives in someway or another. Technology has allowed us so easily to reconnect, often I think when perhaps we shouldnt' be. With texting so much easier than picking up a phone and actually having to talk to someone...leaving a message or post on Facebook...I am discovering more and more often that comments in print, with no voice, to emotion or change to explain further why those words are being said...can so easily cause confusion, pain...I'm not sure if all this communication via technology is a good thing. I somehow am still in contact with all of the men I have had relationships with over the past couple years since my divorce. At times, I feel this is a good thing, that we are able to stay friends...but any of you reading this know, you can't really do that...not when the other person has moved on to someone new in their lives. You find yourself comparing or questioning, why her? What does she have that I don't? I think it's just human nature to do this. Even when you know deep down, you will never end up with this person, why does she get too? Back when I was first entering this dating world, that was never an issue. Thanks to our wonderful technology, I can create a puddle of self-pity in a moment by just clicking the right buttons.
Then there is that lovely world of texts. The ones that are not currently in a relationship, text in just to "see how you are".....which end up leading to making sure you haven't been on any hot dates lately, leading up to wanting to see you again.
Wait a second here...isn't there a reason why we are not currently a couple? Just because I am not currently in a relationship, doesn't mean I will jump at any opportunity to suddenly be back in your arms...does it? Why do some men think this? Oh and a few are good at the timing too...after 10/11 at night so you are a bit tired and perhaps depressed....yes, let's make that a Friday or Saturday night, because, then if you are sitting home alone, it someone is extra depressing. Yes, Saturday night I heard from one, going on about coming to see me again over his Christmas vacation, making a big deal about it...going on and on and when you are tired you keep texting in a tired daze, or at least I do. Then, the next day or evening, you try a friendly text back. Nothing. Yah, you are playing right into it aren't you Lisa. Wake up silly and reread those Pinterest quotes you have been repinning.
Luckily, I was blessed with a great weekend/overall of time with my children. We were able to continue some of our holiday traditions and I was able to for the most part steer clear of this depression cloud or magnet that is trying to hover over me lately. This, plus a couple good nights of rest helped me view a few of the events over the weekend a little clearer. I love it when I am actually capable of doing that.
As a good female friend and I were chatting a week ago about perspective, we were both commenting about different things in our personal lives, that we know the right and wrong, we know the things we can't control and know how we should be responding/acting/reacting, but were both saying how difficult it is in life to know something and to be able to truly apply it and live it in your own personal lives. Whether it happens to be people in the past that you've dated/been in relationships with that deep down you know are not good for you/not the right ones, that you know you should just stop having any contact with so that you can focus on the positive and moving forward. Yet for some reason as humans, we don't always do what we know we should. Or with work or other relationships in our lives. We know what we should do, how to stand up and stand strong, etc. yet, we allow comments said by other to be taken personally and hurt us when we shouldn't be.
I know I am or can be a very intelligent person. I have double major in college, I have read many, many self-help/psychology books...I get what I am suppose to do to stay clear of depression, to stay clear of toxic people, to keep up my self-esteem. But why is it we allow ourselves to fall when we know the right things deep down somewhere? I'm still working on that answer...
But I do have a few fun quotes from the past few days to leave you with this time:
"Being single doesn't mean you are weak. It means you are strong enough to wait for what YOU deserve."
"Just because God doesn't answer your prayers doesn't mean He's not listening. He's just got something better in store for you."
"A women has to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be thankful for a good one."
"At some point you have to realize that some people can stay in your HEART but not in your LIFE."
"Nothing is permanent in this wicked world. Not even our troubles." -Charlie Chaplin
"If he's stupid enough to walk away, be smart enough to let him go."
Okay I think that's a good one to stop on tonight. Yah, okay, one more...
"At any given moment in life, you have to power to say: this is NOT how my story is going to end!"
Until next time good nite...or rather good morning, I guess it's now 12-12-11...hmm can't wait to see how much better life will be on 12-12-12 :)
Today, ready through, repinning a few, I was thinking through my day/weekend as I always tend to do on Sunday nights. This time I had a different take on a few of the things going through my mind. I started wondering why is it we allow other people's thoughts, comments, reactions or lack of actions to have any say on how we feel?
When I switch back to Facebook and read through postings I often begin to wonder why am I searching through this site? I love to see pics of my friends/their kids, hear good news...but so often it turns out to be other stuff. I'm guilty as well, of posting negativity. But why do we do it, to wait for someone else to comment to help us feel better or justify that we have the right to feel that way? Why do we spend hours online or repeatedly check back in for updates...are we watching for some earth-shattering news? I have a close friend who still refuses to use Facebook. She is convinced it's evil. That it allows to many people to easily make choice they shouldn't and couldn't as easily be doing otherwise. I have always seen her point to this. I have spoke with another person about a week ago, while I was update a bit of my own personal life and apparently I hadnt' realize how I had been hurt by things on Facebook until the other person commented how evil Facebook can be...how it can really hurt people...yet it's a way to stay connected to so many and we discussed a bit the yin-yang to that. Then this weekend, I had texted my sister about something and said she must not have seen it on Facebook yet...about an hour later she type back upset about something else she had seen posted and explained that's why she tries to stay off of that thing, it only upsets her...hmmm maybe some folks in my life are onto something here....
On a similar plane/note, this idea of reconnecting, staying connected with people who have exited our lives in someway or another. Technology has allowed us so easily to reconnect, often I think when perhaps we shouldnt' be. With texting so much easier than picking up a phone and actually having to talk to someone...leaving a message or post on Facebook...I am discovering more and more often that comments in print, with no voice, to emotion or change to explain further why those words are being said...can so easily cause confusion, pain...I'm not sure if all this communication via technology is a good thing. I somehow am still in contact with all of the men I have had relationships with over the past couple years since my divorce. At times, I feel this is a good thing, that we are able to stay friends...but any of you reading this know, you can't really do that...not when the other person has moved on to someone new in their lives. You find yourself comparing or questioning, why her? What does she have that I don't? I think it's just human nature to do this. Even when you know deep down, you will never end up with this person, why does she get too? Back when I was first entering this dating world, that was never an issue. Thanks to our wonderful technology, I can create a puddle of self-pity in a moment by just clicking the right buttons.
Then there is that lovely world of texts. The ones that are not currently in a relationship, text in just to "see how you are".....which end up leading to making sure you haven't been on any hot dates lately, leading up to wanting to see you again.
Wait a second here...isn't there a reason why we are not currently a couple? Just because I am not currently in a relationship, doesn't mean I will jump at any opportunity to suddenly be back in your arms...does it? Why do some men think this? Oh and a few are good at the timing too...after 10/11 at night so you are a bit tired and perhaps depressed....yes, let's make that a Friday or Saturday night, because, then if you are sitting home alone, it someone is extra depressing. Yes, Saturday night I heard from one, going on about coming to see me again over his Christmas vacation, making a big deal about it...going on and on and when you are tired you keep texting in a tired daze, or at least I do. Then, the next day or evening, you try a friendly text back. Nothing. Yah, you are playing right into it aren't you Lisa. Wake up silly and reread those Pinterest quotes you have been repinning.
Luckily, I was blessed with a great weekend/overall of time with my children. We were able to continue some of our holiday traditions and I was able to for the most part steer clear of this depression cloud or magnet that is trying to hover over me lately. This, plus a couple good nights of rest helped me view a few of the events over the weekend a little clearer. I love it when I am actually capable of doing that.
As a good female friend and I were chatting a week ago about perspective, we were both commenting about different things in our personal lives, that we know the right and wrong, we know the things we can't control and know how we should be responding/acting/reacting, but were both saying how difficult it is in life to know something and to be able to truly apply it and live it in your own personal lives. Whether it happens to be people in the past that you've dated/been in relationships with that deep down you know are not good for you/not the right ones, that you know you should just stop having any contact with so that you can focus on the positive and moving forward. Yet for some reason as humans, we don't always do what we know we should. Or with work or other relationships in our lives. We know what we should do, how to stand up and stand strong, etc. yet, we allow comments said by other to be taken personally and hurt us when we shouldn't be.
I know I am or can be a very intelligent person. I have double major in college, I have read many, many self-help/psychology books...I get what I am suppose to do to stay clear of depression, to stay clear of toxic people, to keep up my self-esteem. But why is it we allow ourselves to fall when we know the right things deep down somewhere? I'm still working on that answer...
But I do have a few fun quotes from the past few days to leave you with this time:
"Being single doesn't mean you are weak. It means you are strong enough to wait for what YOU deserve."
"Just because God doesn't answer your prayers doesn't mean He's not listening. He's just got something better in store for you."
"A women has to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be thankful for a good one."
"At some point you have to realize that some people can stay in your HEART but not in your LIFE."
"Nothing is permanent in this wicked world. Not even our troubles." -Charlie Chaplin
"If he's stupid enough to walk away, be smart enough to let him go."
Okay I think that's a good one to stop on tonight. Yah, okay, one more...
"At any given moment in life, you have to power to say: this is NOT how my story is going to end!"
Until next time good nite...or rather good morning, I guess it's now 12-12-11...hmm can't wait to see how much better life will be on 12-12-12 :)
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
I don't understand why people have to feel pain.
I typed in so many different titles and still don't know if this is the right one for this entry. Where to begin? I don't really know, as I tried to go to bed, to go to sleep and my mind kept racing once again...this time it began with the holiday letter I had just finished typing before I headed to bed.
My Christmas cards have been done, for over a week or two...as I ordered the photo cards I traditionally send a few weeks back when I found a good coupon/deal. Today I received my first Christmas card in the mail. It made me smile. Not just the big reindeer sticker on the back, nor that it was from a women who use to watch me while my mother was going to graduate school, although that was part of it. It was that warm feeling that I was thought of, that she wanted to send a warm thought my way. I read through the letter, her positive Christian message strong and true just as I remember her years ago. Then, tonight once my kids were finally asleep, I thought I should write my traditional letter.
I actually considered doing this a few weeks back, but was in a rather depressed mood at the time and instead listing off all the positive, fun, happy memories that we had from each month through out this past year, I began listing all the depressing, awful realities that occurred. It has not been an easy year. But tonight, with the illuminated Christmas tree decorated and lighting up the room, I was feeling a bit more upbeat again. So I listed off each month and filled in the spaces with basketball, trips to the pool, fun going to see my sister/taking the kids to the Mall of America, listing off stuff about soccer and Cub Scouts, Girl Scouts and birthday parties....I filled in all the spaces as I always do. I painted the picture once again of a fun, wonderful life that we live in. I saved it for the night and tried to make myself go to bed and sleep.
Laying there, I kept thinking, what is the point of sending that letter out? Is it to prove to others that I am keep my kids entertained, filled with fun opportunities and events. Who am I trying to please by sending it out? My close friends already know about all the stuff in the letter and with technology even not so close friends, via Facebook, know most of them too. I was thinking of my Cousin Derek, who I spoke with at my Grandma's funeral over a year ago, commenting on how glad he was to see my letter last year as he had missed it the year before. Okay, one person who enjoys it. I remember joking to him at the time, if you would have got one the year before, it would have just been too depressing! It's not that this past year was that horrific, I just feel I'm putting on a show, not telling the whole story by typing up and sending out only happy memories. So am I suppose to list off starting the year knowing that not only my engagement was over, so was the relationship the the man I was with. To be followed up by losing hours at work and for a few months appeared to be no longer a job where I could have insurance anymore...to continue on to find out my parents were moving back to town (which in many ways can be a blessing, was also awful news)...to getting the courage to go back and apply for two jobs in my former teaching world and not getting either of them...followed by being brave and entering the dating world again, only to once again learn a lesson in trust, or rather how to get hurt...and continue the year to discover my from former neighbors as well as local police, that my old house, where my children spend 30% of their time, is now being referred to as a drug house, with ex-cons frequenting it and my children being left alone or alone with some of these men for hours, if not spending an excess of hours at the local bar. Then to continue on with indirect threats on my life and more time trying to get a new restraining order against my ex, only to once again lose faith in the court as well as Child Protective Services system in our state. That leads us to the news from my doctor at my annual physical this fall where I was told I had pre-cancerous cells and ended up having a double biopsy to determine if I needed surgery and if I did indeed have ovarian cancer. Yes, this was all during the texts threating my life if I didn't fess up to who my leak in the old neighborhood he currently lives in was. I continued on to discover that my ex husband received a second OWI/DWI and was texting me from a hospital that he was messed up and couldn't take the kids anymore...to two days later saying he was just fine and legally I had to send them to him. The latest, he claims he can no longer drive them so I have to drive to the town he lives in to drop them off and pick them up? He's going to trail during the first month of next year and I still don't know how much jail time he will be serving, as their will be a minimum in the state we are in.
My kids, they don't know anything about the issues with their Dad. They don't know about my fears about my job/income. They didn't know about my health scare. They didn't know I had to take out a home equity loan to pay off the piling up credit card debt to make ends meet. All they know are the items I typed up in the Christmas letter this evening. All the fun events and times we had this past year. Which, as I typed this, makes complete sense. As a 7 and 9 year old shouldn't have to know or worry about whether or not Mom can pay all the bills this month. Whether or not she has a disease that may take her life in the near future. They don't need to know all the trouble their Dad is in with the law and how he treats me. They don't need to know, once we finish bedtime books, say our prayers, and after they fall asleep, Mom lays in bed and crys. Not knowing where will be next year. Not knowing if their Dad will clean up his life, be able to keep his job so that we'll have child support...as if we don't, we can't afford to stay here, not with my salary alone. They don't need to know how lonely it gets when everyone is asleep and I wonder why I have allowed myself the pain of trusting men in the past, only to become hurt and alone. Wondering how I will ever meet a man who could be honest, loving and supportive for me when I only have a couple hours Wednesday night and every other weekend to find him...wait, that will be ending or stopping for awhile when their Dad going to jail in January or whenver that occurs next year. I have given up on online dating, as I have discovered the people I have met there, have spent hours with IMing, texting, or getting to know, they aren't ones I can trust. I don't understand how things will look up next year. I also don't understand why I have to go through pain.
Sadly, I get jealous, watching the happy holiday commericals, tv shows and movies, seeing all of the loved ones celebrating their families for the holidays. Make no mistake, I am EXTREMELY grateful for my children, I thank God everyday for bringing them into my world. But I have to wonder why is it I can't have more? I am not trying to be greedy, I don't want more money, well, enough to pay the bills each month would be nice, but what I want is a soul mate/a man to love and care for me...one I can share my life with. Who can support me emotionally and I can do the same in return. It's just hard to go to sleep alone, night after night, month after month, wondering if I am going to be alone the rest of my life. I realize God has blessed with me with children, but they are mine only for such a short period of time, they will continue on with their own lives. The reality, while getting out all the decorations for Christmas this past weekend, that it is now our fifth Christmas just the three of us, hit me. The first one was a struggle to get through in so many other ways...the second, I knew I was in a new home, starting over and had a bit of hope along with that. The third I was finally newly divorced and filled with optimism again. Last year, an engagement ended right before Christmas, as not only was he looking to relocate for work, but he just couldn't jepordize his life with the actions my ex was taking. It wasn't Christmas, but sitting alone New Years Eve crying that was the hardest part last year.
Now, I am looking at our fifth Christmas just the three of us and it's starting to feel like it may always be this way. I am so grateful that God has allowed me this time with my children and to meet them, you wouldn't think it mattered a bit that it was just the three of us. Again, I thank God for that. But the reality is sinking in...yes, another New Year's Eve is coming with no one to kiss at midnight. A New Year is only a month away and now what? After the pain that has occurred this year, I am scared to think what next year might bring. The optomist in me tries to continue on day after day, but it gets to a point, often when I can't sleep, that I am reminded I am human. Tears pour out of my eyes whether I want them to or not. I can paint pretty pictures of all the fun we had this past year, but underneath, the pain, it's still there. It's still alive.
I am not trying to be selfish, or give up on God having a plan for me. It's just that sometimes I just don't understand why we have to spend so much time in pain. Why we have to lay in bed and have thoughts/fears/worries race through our minds. I prayed out to God again tonight, on my own, while I laid there with tears rolling down my checks. Why? Why can't I be grateful, why can't I trust that everything will be okay? I just don't understand why.
Perhaps that's the point. That there is a lesson from this pain, that I am going to or am suppose to grow from this experience in my life. I am trying to make the best of the life I have been given. I am trying to be honest, caring, hardworking, loving, I am trying to do all the things I am suppose to take care of my kids, to pay the bills, to be the best me I can be....but it still hurts. I am still in pain, not all day long, not every hour, but it's still there, I wish I could make it go away, but right now, I can't. I guess it is what it is. I have to keep breathing in and out and continue on.
My Christmas cards have been done, for over a week or two...as I ordered the photo cards I traditionally send a few weeks back when I found a good coupon/deal. Today I received my first Christmas card in the mail. It made me smile. Not just the big reindeer sticker on the back, nor that it was from a women who use to watch me while my mother was going to graduate school, although that was part of it. It was that warm feeling that I was thought of, that she wanted to send a warm thought my way. I read through the letter, her positive Christian message strong and true just as I remember her years ago. Then, tonight once my kids were finally asleep, I thought I should write my traditional letter.
I actually considered doing this a few weeks back, but was in a rather depressed mood at the time and instead listing off all the positive, fun, happy memories that we had from each month through out this past year, I began listing all the depressing, awful realities that occurred. It has not been an easy year. But tonight, with the illuminated Christmas tree decorated and lighting up the room, I was feeling a bit more upbeat again. So I listed off each month and filled in the spaces with basketball, trips to the pool, fun going to see my sister/taking the kids to the Mall of America, listing off stuff about soccer and Cub Scouts, Girl Scouts and birthday parties....I filled in all the spaces as I always do. I painted the picture once again of a fun, wonderful life that we live in. I saved it for the night and tried to make myself go to bed and sleep.
Laying there, I kept thinking, what is the point of sending that letter out? Is it to prove to others that I am keep my kids entertained, filled with fun opportunities and events. Who am I trying to please by sending it out? My close friends already know about all the stuff in the letter and with technology even not so close friends, via Facebook, know most of them too. I was thinking of my Cousin Derek, who I spoke with at my Grandma's funeral over a year ago, commenting on how glad he was to see my letter last year as he had missed it the year before. Okay, one person who enjoys it. I remember joking to him at the time, if you would have got one the year before, it would have just been too depressing! It's not that this past year was that horrific, I just feel I'm putting on a show, not telling the whole story by typing up and sending out only happy memories. So am I suppose to list off starting the year knowing that not only my engagement was over, so was the relationship the the man I was with. To be followed up by losing hours at work and for a few months appeared to be no longer a job where I could have insurance anymore...to continue on to find out my parents were moving back to town (which in many ways can be a blessing, was also awful news)...to getting the courage to go back and apply for two jobs in my former teaching world and not getting either of them...followed by being brave and entering the dating world again, only to once again learn a lesson in trust, or rather how to get hurt...and continue the year to discover my from former neighbors as well as local police, that my old house, where my children spend 30% of their time, is now being referred to as a drug house, with ex-cons frequenting it and my children being left alone or alone with some of these men for hours, if not spending an excess of hours at the local bar. Then to continue on with indirect threats on my life and more time trying to get a new restraining order against my ex, only to once again lose faith in the court as well as Child Protective Services system in our state. That leads us to the news from my doctor at my annual physical this fall where I was told I had pre-cancerous cells and ended up having a double biopsy to determine if I needed surgery and if I did indeed have ovarian cancer. Yes, this was all during the texts threating my life if I didn't fess up to who my leak in the old neighborhood he currently lives in was. I continued on to discover that my ex husband received a second OWI/DWI and was texting me from a hospital that he was messed up and couldn't take the kids anymore...to two days later saying he was just fine and legally I had to send them to him. The latest, he claims he can no longer drive them so I have to drive to the town he lives in to drop them off and pick them up? He's going to trail during the first month of next year and I still don't know how much jail time he will be serving, as their will be a minimum in the state we are in.
My kids, they don't know anything about the issues with their Dad. They don't know about my fears about my job/income. They didn't know about my health scare. They didn't know I had to take out a home equity loan to pay off the piling up credit card debt to make ends meet. All they know are the items I typed up in the Christmas letter this evening. All the fun events and times we had this past year. Which, as I typed this, makes complete sense. As a 7 and 9 year old shouldn't have to know or worry about whether or not Mom can pay all the bills this month. Whether or not she has a disease that may take her life in the near future. They don't need to know all the trouble their Dad is in with the law and how he treats me. They don't need to know, once we finish bedtime books, say our prayers, and after they fall asleep, Mom lays in bed and crys. Not knowing where will be next year. Not knowing if their Dad will clean up his life, be able to keep his job so that we'll have child support...as if we don't, we can't afford to stay here, not with my salary alone. They don't need to know how lonely it gets when everyone is asleep and I wonder why I have allowed myself the pain of trusting men in the past, only to become hurt and alone. Wondering how I will ever meet a man who could be honest, loving and supportive for me when I only have a couple hours Wednesday night and every other weekend to find him...wait, that will be ending or stopping for awhile when their Dad going to jail in January or whenver that occurs next year. I have given up on online dating, as I have discovered the people I have met there, have spent hours with IMing, texting, or getting to know, they aren't ones I can trust. I don't understand how things will look up next year. I also don't understand why I have to go through pain.
Sadly, I get jealous, watching the happy holiday commericals, tv shows and movies, seeing all of the loved ones celebrating their families for the holidays. Make no mistake, I am EXTREMELY grateful for my children, I thank God everyday for bringing them into my world. But I have to wonder why is it I can't have more? I am not trying to be greedy, I don't want more money, well, enough to pay the bills each month would be nice, but what I want is a soul mate/a man to love and care for me...one I can share my life with. Who can support me emotionally and I can do the same in return. It's just hard to go to sleep alone, night after night, month after month, wondering if I am going to be alone the rest of my life. I realize God has blessed with me with children, but they are mine only for such a short period of time, they will continue on with their own lives. The reality, while getting out all the decorations for Christmas this past weekend, that it is now our fifth Christmas just the three of us, hit me. The first one was a struggle to get through in so many other ways...the second, I knew I was in a new home, starting over and had a bit of hope along with that. The third I was finally newly divorced and filled with optimism again. Last year, an engagement ended right before Christmas, as not only was he looking to relocate for work, but he just couldn't jepordize his life with the actions my ex was taking. It wasn't Christmas, but sitting alone New Years Eve crying that was the hardest part last year.
Now, I am looking at our fifth Christmas just the three of us and it's starting to feel like it may always be this way. I am so grateful that God has allowed me this time with my children and to meet them, you wouldn't think it mattered a bit that it was just the three of us. Again, I thank God for that. But the reality is sinking in...yes, another New Year's Eve is coming with no one to kiss at midnight. A New Year is only a month away and now what? After the pain that has occurred this year, I am scared to think what next year might bring. The optomist in me tries to continue on day after day, but it gets to a point, often when I can't sleep, that I am reminded I am human. Tears pour out of my eyes whether I want them to or not. I can paint pretty pictures of all the fun we had this past year, but underneath, the pain, it's still there. It's still alive.
I am not trying to be selfish, or give up on God having a plan for me. It's just that sometimes I just don't understand why we have to spend so much time in pain. Why we have to lay in bed and have thoughts/fears/worries race through our minds. I prayed out to God again tonight, on my own, while I laid there with tears rolling down my checks. Why? Why can't I be grateful, why can't I trust that everything will be okay? I just don't understand why.
Perhaps that's the point. That there is a lesson from this pain, that I am going to or am suppose to grow from this experience in my life. I am trying to make the best of the life I have been given. I am trying to be honest, caring, hardworking, loving, I am trying to do all the things I am suppose to take care of my kids, to pay the bills, to be the best me I can be....but it still hurts. I am still in pain, not all day long, not every hour, but it's still there, I wish I could make it go away, but right now, I can't. I guess it is what it is. I have to keep breathing in and out and continue on.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
"Is it 2012 yet?" stated on a bumper sticker yesterday.
I had to laugh as I walked past a car in Target's parking lot yesterday, as I saw the quote inside the little while oval...."Is it 2012 yet?"
I thought about it again today as I was watching yet another romantic comedy...one I had picked up last night at a Red Box, thinking today would be a good stay in my PJs day. As I watched it, I was noticing the main character's life, how quickly and dramatically a person's life can change. It's true in real life as well. You don't know, good or bad, when something out of the blue will happen causing a great ripple in your life. It's odd how we don't know when someone will toss that pebble in our pond either. We can't just sit around waiting for it, but we can acknowledge that pebbles are still out there.
This morning when I woke up from a bad dream, confused as to the fact that I was just dreaming and it was not reality. I was frustrated by the fact that I had yet another dream where the breaks would not work in the truck/vehicle I was driving. I also couldn't walk. I was trying to get my legs to keep going and I couldn't. I suppose, they are signs that I feel I don't have control over things in my life, which in a way certainly is true. But it's it true for everyone? Isn't there only so much we have control over? Whether we chose to wash the dishes, the laundry...go shopping or save our money...eat or not eat...exercise or stay stationary, laugh or cry? Wait, on the last one I brought up, sadly I don't always think we have control over it.
Wednesday night, after dropping off my kids at their Dad's, I came home with Chinese food and changed into my flannel pants, all ready to relax and enjoy an evening to myself. Emotions, those I didn't want too, took over. After reading something on Facebook, I began crying....if I truly had a choice, I wished I would have reacted differently, but I think sometimes your emotions, mind, genes, something else takes over and you cry, whether you want to or not. The next morning, on my drive to work or maybe it was on the way home, I heard the lyrics to a song, "Stand in the rain, stand your ground, stand up when it's all crashing down; stand through the pain, you won't drown, and one day what's lost will be found..." Yes, that night it felt like it was all crashing down on me. I felt jealous, angry, mad, depressed...and those deep emotions, when you let them rise up, they don't go away so easily. I was a puddle for hours. I posted something online about wishing I could just turn off my emotions. What I had read, was about the first guy I had start truly falling for, after my divorce, was happily in a committed relationship, a place he swore he'd never go again. It wasn't that, but the comments after that he made apologizing to those he had hurt on his way to where he was now...which would be me. I didn't know if I was jealous that it wasn't me that convinced him how happy and good a relationship could be, or more just the fact that my go-to guy when I need a reminder of what was so good about being single, was no longer single. He was the one I could call crying when a relationship ended and he'd be there full of reasons why I'm better off without the loser. Yes, I was jealous that he himself was able to find happiness in a relationship, one he never wanted and I, one who wants to be in one, is not.
I don't want to find a guy just to have a guy in my life...I want to have that someone there to support me, guide me, enjoy the good and bad...to have a best friend plus more. I don't need to continue on explaining why I would like to be in a relationship again someday. I just do, with the right guy. I also know God has plans for me, as I was reminded by a friend this week. As much as I want to, I can't rush those plans, I have to be patient and trust. Somedays, I just can't...I am human.
So what can I do? Work on keeping my mind a little clearer, which I attempted yesterday, when trying out a Yoga Studio in town here. A good 90 minute workout that I can sure feel today, yet I couldn't keep my mind from racing at the end where it is the goal to clear our mind and relax. Later today, I plan to attend my first mediation class. The thought of an hour of being still....I can't imagine, but I am willing to try. As I am well aware I need to find peace amongst all the chaos in my life. I am working on it, but am realizing I could use some tools, assistance.
I thought about it again today as I was watching yet another romantic comedy...one I had picked up last night at a Red Box, thinking today would be a good stay in my PJs day. As I watched it, I was noticing the main character's life, how quickly and dramatically a person's life can change. It's true in real life as well. You don't know, good or bad, when something out of the blue will happen causing a great ripple in your life. It's odd how we don't know when someone will toss that pebble in our pond either. We can't just sit around waiting for it, but we can acknowledge that pebbles are still out there.
This morning when I woke up from a bad dream, confused as to the fact that I was just dreaming and it was not reality. I was frustrated by the fact that I had yet another dream where the breaks would not work in the truck/vehicle I was driving. I also couldn't walk. I was trying to get my legs to keep going and I couldn't. I suppose, they are signs that I feel I don't have control over things in my life, which in a way certainly is true. But it's it true for everyone? Isn't there only so much we have control over? Whether we chose to wash the dishes, the laundry...go shopping or save our money...eat or not eat...exercise or stay stationary, laugh or cry? Wait, on the last one I brought up, sadly I don't always think we have control over it.
Wednesday night, after dropping off my kids at their Dad's, I came home with Chinese food and changed into my flannel pants, all ready to relax and enjoy an evening to myself. Emotions, those I didn't want too, took over. After reading something on Facebook, I began crying....if I truly had a choice, I wished I would have reacted differently, but I think sometimes your emotions, mind, genes, something else takes over and you cry, whether you want to or not. The next morning, on my drive to work or maybe it was on the way home, I heard the lyrics to a song, "Stand in the rain, stand your ground, stand up when it's all crashing down; stand through the pain, you won't drown, and one day what's lost will be found..." Yes, that night it felt like it was all crashing down on me. I felt jealous, angry, mad, depressed...and those deep emotions, when you let them rise up, they don't go away so easily. I was a puddle for hours. I posted something online about wishing I could just turn off my emotions. What I had read, was about the first guy I had start truly falling for, after my divorce, was happily in a committed relationship, a place he swore he'd never go again. It wasn't that, but the comments after that he made apologizing to those he had hurt on his way to where he was now...which would be me. I didn't know if I was jealous that it wasn't me that convinced him how happy and good a relationship could be, or more just the fact that my go-to guy when I need a reminder of what was so good about being single, was no longer single. He was the one I could call crying when a relationship ended and he'd be there full of reasons why I'm better off without the loser. Yes, I was jealous that he himself was able to find happiness in a relationship, one he never wanted and I, one who wants to be in one, is not.
I don't want to find a guy just to have a guy in my life...I want to have that someone there to support me, guide me, enjoy the good and bad...to have a best friend plus more. I don't need to continue on explaining why I would like to be in a relationship again someday. I just do, with the right guy. I also know God has plans for me, as I was reminded by a friend this week. As much as I want to, I can't rush those plans, I have to be patient and trust. Somedays, I just can't...I am human.
So what can I do? Work on keeping my mind a little clearer, which I attempted yesterday, when trying out a Yoga Studio in town here. A good 90 minute workout that I can sure feel today, yet I couldn't keep my mind from racing at the end where it is the goal to clear our mind and relax. Later today, I plan to attend my first mediation class. The thought of an hour of being still....I can't imagine, but I am willing to try. As I am well aware I need to find peace amongst all the chaos in my life. I am working on it, but am realizing I could use some tools, assistance.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Fear is just a lie....open up your eyes...
He'll break, open the sky to save, those who cry out his name...yes I woke up before noon, before my alarm this Saturday morning with the song playing through my mind. Once the dogs realized I was awake, they wanted to go outside, which was when I grabbed my laptop and headed back to bed, hoping to figure out the rest of the lyrics for the song.
Soon, I had my sketchbook too and began drawing. I was enjoying listening to music, drawing all from my cozy bed, in my flannel jammies, until reality hit...oh wait, it was my dog, vomiting just inches away from me...so much for staying in bed!
After cleaning up the mess and getting myself ready to face the day, I decided to head to my favorite picture window to enjoy the sunshine, my book and a long overdue favorite chocolate shop's Mocha. Finally, I was at a point where I could read, not just read but take in, process and relate what I was reading to my own life.
"Often, God allows us to undergo troubling circumstances so that we can see what is inside of us." and on page 164, "It's better to be honest and feel pain than to deny it and try to convince yourself that you are happy. Remember, your feelings are not the basis of truth. God's Word is our authority. What He says is true, whether we feel it or not. The more we understand God's Word and live by it, the more our feelings will reflect His character and love." page 165...The Search for Significance
The author is explaining that God created man/women with a sense of purpose after Satan convinced Adam and Eve to take a bite of that forbidden fruit, we began to look elsewhere for approval/self-esteem, we began to question and doubt why we were put here as well as believe we need to preform to gain approval for others. He continues on that Satan separated man from God. God later sent Jesus to take our punishment upon Himself and died on the cross to take away our sins. We now have to choice to believe Satan's lies or follow God and to be loved and accepted unconditionally.
"Realizing that your worth is not conditional will increasingly free you from the fears of failure and rejection and it will give you joy, thankfulness and a desire to honor the One who loves you so much." pg. 165.
The last part of the book explains how if we try, we are able to see that our life is affected by negative messages we tell ourselves. First we are reminded that it is important to identify how we are feeling, to pay attention to our emotions and talk about them. The author explains we believe situations create our emotions, but points our that what we really do is perceive a situation based on our past thoughts/experiences/beliefs. "The first step to freedom is recognizing that life is distorted by our expectations for what we are going to experience." pg 145. "Therefore, we have a great need to destroy the false beliefs and replace them with the truth that God has disclosed to us." It continues on to explain how our false beliefs can cause destructive thought, followed by destructive emotions leading often to destructive behavior.
Finally, I really liked the explanation that, "Self-worth, often called self-esteem or personal significance, is characterized by a quiet sense of self-respect and a feeling of satisfaction with who we are. True self-worth, unlike pride, is not based on an evaluation or our performance...A healthy self-concept is the recognition of one's value and worth: the understanding that as a unique human beign, one has certain gifts and abilities unlike anyone else and can contribute to the world in a special way." pg 163.
Now, to take what I read, notes I took and back to how this applies to my own life. I grew up with some religion in my home. We believed in God, went to church a few more times than just holidays. I made it through confirmation...that's another story...but really, I didn't ever talk to anyone about Satan..or this Holy Spirit. The book stated point blank that Satan is the one tempting us, causing us to feel low self-esteem. It was a different take than thinking there is something wrong with me, that I am messed up and the fact that over two million copies of this book have been sold, means there must be a few others too. Through the activity section in this book, reminding us that we can't just use a general statement like, "Trust God"...that we have to do some of the leg work ourselves, to look at why we are thinking the way we are and how we could be if we refocus our thoughts and beliefs.
Last night, I watched a movie, "The Hereafter" and I took away from it a few different things, one of them being that we are all given gifts. Many of us try to hide them, are scared of how others may view them or us, but often they can bring about good.
Today, I spent some time catching up with the owner of my favorite Chocolate Shop and gain more insight as I questioned her how she got from where I am in my place in life to where she is now. I have learned through past conversions that she went through some similar events in her life and now is happily married and doing something she loves, very successfully.
Without sharing all of her personal information, I learned that just as many of the Christian songs I listen to say, it's when you are down, when you think you can't take anymore, it's then, or soon after that things come together...you begin to understand, to see a plan that there is more out there, a brighter tomorrow, future or day. The answers don't come all at once, but they do come to you if you continue to learn, search, grow, listen and don't give up.
This past month, year, it's been filled with challenges but I am not giving up as I am making progress. Instead of facing my day with fear of what will happen with my ex husband, if my son will get to go to the rocket launch for his Cub Scouts like he wanted or be let down again...when he will be sentenced to jail for his latest OWI, for how long and how it will effect my children. Fear of his texts and how they will effect me today again. Somehow, as my good friend pointed out on Friday, I am allowing him to get to me again, to drag me down, which is just want he wants. She pointed out how well I had been doing and now. She was completely right. I was depressed, upset, feeling worthless at times and why? Why was I allowing his comments to control my joy?
That's just it. As another friend has said, my ex is Satan. He is pure evil. I don't want to admit it, but at times, unfortunately, many of his actions complement those described in the book I have been reading. It's a reminder today, that I am in charge of my thoughts, my beliefs, my emotions and how I view situations. I can take each situation and make it into a positive, if I am willing too.
Today, I was given an entire day to myself. Other than caring for the dogs a little bit, I had freedom to do as I pleased. I could take the texts I received from my ex this morning on dwell on them, let them ruin my day, or I could read them, no that they don't have anything in them I need to deal with and move on. Which is exactly what I did. I finally got out the sketch book that I have been carrying with me for the past two or three weeks hoping to get up the courage to open again. As the movie reminded me last night, we are all given gifts. I have been told I have a gift with art. But my worry of others approval, of my performance, all the things I was just told through the book today that Satan tries to tell you to get you to fear doing something....well, as the song that was playing in my head as I woke up this morning says, "But wait, everything can change, in a moments time, you don't have to be afraid, cause FEAR IS JUST A LIE, open up your eyes."
Fear...I have been fighting fear and anxiety all of my life. Fear is a lie...I have been fighting Satan, evil, a stronger battle that I had realized and I am gaining armor, God's unconditional love and acceptance. The kind I give to and receive from my children. My purpose, to share that unconditional love and joy...for my children to be able to have the tools to fight their fight as well.
As the song beings, "You fought, but you were just too weak, so you lost, all the things you tried to keep, now your on your knees, your on your knees....."
I was too weak alone...but through my battles, through my divorce, my anxieties, my search for meaning, for joy, for understanding of why things happen the way they do and to the people they do...why we are faced with cancer or deaths or loss...loss of friends, family, money, jobs, you are never have to be alone. God is right there waiting to break open the sky....(Thanks Tenth Avenue North)
Soon, I had my sketchbook too and began drawing. I was enjoying listening to music, drawing all from my cozy bed, in my flannel jammies, until reality hit...oh wait, it was my dog, vomiting just inches away from me...so much for staying in bed!
After cleaning up the mess and getting myself ready to face the day, I decided to head to my favorite picture window to enjoy the sunshine, my book and a long overdue favorite chocolate shop's Mocha. Finally, I was at a point where I could read, not just read but take in, process and relate what I was reading to my own life.
"Often, God allows us to undergo troubling circumstances so that we can see what is inside of us." and on page 164, "It's better to be honest and feel pain than to deny it and try to convince yourself that you are happy. Remember, your feelings are not the basis of truth. God's Word is our authority. What He says is true, whether we feel it or not. The more we understand God's Word and live by it, the more our feelings will reflect His character and love." page 165...The Search for Significance
The author is explaining that God created man/women with a sense of purpose after Satan convinced Adam and Eve to take a bite of that forbidden fruit, we began to look elsewhere for approval/self-esteem, we began to question and doubt why we were put here as well as believe we need to preform to gain approval for others. He continues on that Satan separated man from God. God later sent Jesus to take our punishment upon Himself and died on the cross to take away our sins. We now have to choice to believe Satan's lies or follow God and to be loved and accepted unconditionally.
"Realizing that your worth is not conditional will increasingly free you from the fears of failure and rejection and it will give you joy, thankfulness and a desire to honor the One who loves you so much." pg. 165.
The last part of the book explains how if we try, we are able to see that our life is affected by negative messages we tell ourselves. First we are reminded that it is important to identify how we are feeling, to pay attention to our emotions and talk about them. The author explains we believe situations create our emotions, but points our that what we really do is perceive a situation based on our past thoughts/experiences/beliefs. "The first step to freedom is recognizing that life is distorted by our expectations for what we are going to experience." pg 145. "Therefore, we have a great need to destroy the false beliefs and replace them with the truth that God has disclosed to us." It continues on to explain how our false beliefs can cause destructive thought, followed by destructive emotions leading often to destructive behavior.
Finally, I really liked the explanation that, "Self-worth, often called self-esteem or personal significance, is characterized by a quiet sense of self-respect and a feeling of satisfaction with who we are. True self-worth, unlike pride, is not based on an evaluation or our performance...A healthy self-concept is the recognition of one's value and worth: the understanding that as a unique human beign, one has certain gifts and abilities unlike anyone else and can contribute to the world in a special way." pg 163.
Now, to take what I read, notes I took and back to how this applies to my own life. I grew up with some religion in my home. We believed in God, went to church a few more times than just holidays. I made it through confirmation...that's another story...but really, I didn't ever talk to anyone about Satan..or this Holy Spirit. The book stated point blank that Satan is the one tempting us, causing us to feel low self-esteem. It was a different take than thinking there is something wrong with me, that I am messed up and the fact that over two million copies of this book have been sold, means there must be a few others too. Through the activity section in this book, reminding us that we can't just use a general statement like, "Trust God"...that we have to do some of the leg work ourselves, to look at why we are thinking the way we are and how we could be if we refocus our thoughts and beliefs.
Last night, I watched a movie, "The Hereafter" and I took away from it a few different things, one of them being that we are all given gifts. Many of us try to hide them, are scared of how others may view them or us, but often they can bring about good.
Today, I spent some time catching up with the owner of my favorite Chocolate Shop and gain more insight as I questioned her how she got from where I am in my place in life to where she is now. I have learned through past conversions that she went through some similar events in her life and now is happily married and doing something she loves, very successfully.
Without sharing all of her personal information, I learned that just as many of the Christian songs I listen to say, it's when you are down, when you think you can't take anymore, it's then, or soon after that things come together...you begin to understand, to see a plan that there is more out there, a brighter tomorrow, future or day. The answers don't come all at once, but they do come to you if you continue to learn, search, grow, listen and don't give up.
This past month, year, it's been filled with challenges but I am not giving up as I am making progress. Instead of facing my day with fear of what will happen with my ex husband, if my son will get to go to the rocket launch for his Cub Scouts like he wanted or be let down again...when he will be sentenced to jail for his latest OWI, for how long and how it will effect my children. Fear of his texts and how they will effect me today again. Somehow, as my good friend pointed out on Friday, I am allowing him to get to me again, to drag me down, which is just want he wants. She pointed out how well I had been doing and now. She was completely right. I was depressed, upset, feeling worthless at times and why? Why was I allowing his comments to control my joy?
That's just it. As another friend has said, my ex is Satan. He is pure evil. I don't want to admit it, but at times, unfortunately, many of his actions complement those described in the book I have been reading. It's a reminder today, that I am in charge of my thoughts, my beliefs, my emotions and how I view situations. I can take each situation and make it into a positive, if I am willing too.
Today, I was given an entire day to myself. Other than caring for the dogs a little bit, I had freedom to do as I pleased. I could take the texts I received from my ex this morning on dwell on them, let them ruin my day, or I could read them, no that they don't have anything in them I need to deal with and move on. Which is exactly what I did. I finally got out the sketch book that I have been carrying with me for the past two or three weeks hoping to get up the courage to open again. As the movie reminded me last night, we are all given gifts. I have been told I have a gift with art. But my worry of others approval, of my performance, all the things I was just told through the book today that Satan tries to tell you to get you to fear doing something....well, as the song that was playing in my head as I woke up this morning says, "But wait, everything can change, in a moments time, you don't have to be afraid, cause FEAR IS JUST A LIE, open up your eyes."
Fear...I have been fighting fear and anxiety all of my life. Fear is a lie...I have been fighting Satan, evil, a stronger battle that I had realized and I am gaining armor, God's unconditional love and acceptance. The kind I give to and receive from my children. My purpose, to share that unconditional love and joy...for my children to be able to have the tools to fight their fight as well.
As the song beings, "You fought, but you were just too weak, so you lost, all the things you tried to keep, now your on your knees, your on your knees....."
I was too weak alone...but through my battles, through my divorce, my anxieties, my search for meaning, for joy, for understanding of why things happen the way they do and to the people they do...why we are faced with cancer or deaths or loss...loss of friends, family, money, jobs, you are never have to be alone. God is right there waiting to break open the sky....(Thanks Tenth Avenue North)
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Who did God create Me to be?
After yoga class last night, I had this feeling I should once again go to Barnes and Noble and see if the latest issue of life:beautiful was finally in stock. It was, and when I sat down to page through it, I found the article that was drawing me to it. "The Key to Overcoming Every Fear You Face" by Joyce Meyer.
'Fear is the opposite of faith.' This line really stood out to me, as I have struggled with overcoming a variety of anxieties and fears in my life. I have also been taking a closer look at my faith, my religious beliefs and struggling quite often as to how strong my faith really is when I am facing challenges.
In the article, she states, 'Fear is a tool the devil uses against us to make us miserable and destroy our lives. It begins as a thought and then creates emotions that can rule us....Simply put, fear is the opposite of faith. God wants us to walk by faith and Satan wants us to walk by fear.' As I was getting ready for work this morning, a series of texts came through on my cell phone from my ex-husband. Reflecting on them now, they have fear written, as if by this definition, coming from Satan. 'U need to tell me who ur neighborhood snitch is. U don't understand the trouble u are in right now and I am trying to protect you!!!' 7:40 AM 'You messed with some people that dont' take this lightly and u need to cooperate with me on this because they did their homework on u and are watching u like u r me.' 7:43 AM 'I want u and especially the cute kids to be safe and u have put that in jeopardy! I am doing what I can to protect u but u think life is a fairy tale! Wrong!' 7:45 AM.
Good morning and welcome to another day in the life of Lisa. Why does he want me to live my life in fear? It really is sad, isn't it? Today, I didn't let it. I posted something on Facebook, just in case something were to happen to me, then headed to work, had a successful morning of parent teacher conferences and continued on with my day. As it was still a thought in the back of my mind though, not completely out of worry, I asked myself, if anything, what can I do about this? So I reread the messages and decided to call and then left a message for the local police, letting them know I'd be sending the texts for the electronic file they had started.
To continue on my day, my life, it was time to drink some tea and work on my search for my own significance, the reason why I am here, as the book in front of me had phrased it. I am still searching for my answer to this question. Referring back to the article again, 'The key to begin who god created you to be is to learn who you are in Christ...as you spend time reading and meditating on His word, you will be able to recognize the fears in your life that are holding you back. You can overcome them by seeing yourself in Christ and finding you have whatever you need to do what you are created to do.'
I asked my pastor today on my way out of the office, if God had ever spoken to him directly, how he knew what his calling was, or how he came about the decision to be in the career he was in. He said over a course of four or five different conversations he came to his decision. He explained that he'd be happy to go into the process another time, when we both have time to talk, but did give me one explanation of when he heard what he believed to be God speaking to him. He had asked him a direct question, waited and meditated for an answer, which he told me what was said, an indirect answer which brought him to his decision.
I am currently not good at meditation. I have read some articles and books about how beneficial it can be to your health and life, but as in those five minutes at the end of yoga last night reminded me, the clearing of all the anxieties, fears, thought, it's extremely challenging.
Reflecting back to my quote, 'Fear is the opposite of faith', apparently I need to learn how to strengthen my faith to help me overcome my fears. Having faith is a big request, easier to do on some days than others. As a radio announcer was saying on the way home from work yesterday, 'Wouldnt' it be nice if someone filled up your gas tank for you? We are here to fill you up with faith and encouragement to get you where you need to be in life..." It's true, for me at least, that listening to Christian music can recharge my faith, my hope, especially when you hear the right song, with the right lyrics speaking/calling out the words you so need to hear.
There have been quite a few cloudy days in my life lately, but sometimes, when I am willing to listen, a song like this plays for me:
Do you wonder why you have to, feel the things that hurt you, if there's a God who love you, where is He now? Maybe, there are things you can't see and all those things are happening to bring a better ending, someday, somehow...So hold on, you gotta wait for the light. Press on and just fight the good fight. 'Cause the pain that you've been feeling, it's just the dark before the morning...
-Before the Morning Lyrics by Josh Wilson
I realize life is always going to have it's ups and downs, it's cloudy and sunny days. We were never promised that things would be easy and really if they were, how would we learn, what experience and wisdom would be gained if we weren't faced with challenges? I think one of the keys to deal with this is to stay optimistic, focusing on the positives when the clouds roll back in. We need to keep having faith and not allow ourselves to be stuck walking on a path with fear consuming us.
Trust me, I am well aware it is easier said than done. How do you have faith, optimism, when you dont' have enough money in your bank account to gas up your minivan and the E light is lite up...when calls on your answering machine come in about bills you are behind on, yet you don't have the money yet to pay them either. Let me tell you, it's not easy. I finally got the courage, through lots of faith and prayers, to go to talk to someone about my financial situation a few weeks ago. It was hard, make that extremely challenging to swallow my pride, admit I had failed on my own and ask for help. I had to face the reality that I can't do this on my own and need help.
That, my friends, was one of the cloudiest days lately. The same day I spent the morning at the court house discovering there really was nothing I could do at this point regarding my ex husband. But I am so glad I finally stopped fear from overcoming me and took a leap of faith, through the doors and into the office for finical assistance. Come to find out, with a few more meetings and some budgeting homework following that first appointment, I discovered my credit history, which was not as horrific as I had dream it was, and am working with a women there to consolidate my debt, implementing a budget plan and working towards a better place. I learned the fear in your mind, your imagination can create a picture so much more horrific that reality may actually be.
It's a process, but at least I am not losing sleep and living with that constant fear and anxiety. I am holding myself accountable for how I spend/save my money and giving myself more credit, that I can make it work being a single mom on my own. I am not a failure, just because my checkbook wasn't balancing or I was reaching for credit cards instead of facing reality to make ends meet. It's way too easy to let negative self-talk take over on those cloudy days, but you just can't let fear win, really it's no way to live.
I am learning to have more faith in God, as well as in myself, truly I am. But with anything you learn, it's a process and some days the process is a lot easier than others. Speaking of learning, I am still, amidst the fear of dealing with money, the fear of facing threats from my ex husband head on, the fear of cancer or some other disease occurring in my life, the fear that I am not living up to my potential...not doing what God has created me to do...I am learning to question each of these fears. Why can't I handle my own financial issues successfully, with prayer and guidance from God (because I was told by my parents as well as my ex husband I was no good at it?) Why can't I have faith that God will protect me through the never ending issues my ex husband brings into my life (reality is I still have to have contact with him because of our children, but I don't have to let his fear control me anymore right?) Why can't I pray for good health, while also making better choices on what I eat, how much sleep/exercise I get and making sure I have down time to meditate and/or destress and breathe? Why can't I pray to God directly and ask him, what do you want me to do with my life? How can I possibly live up to his expectations? Okay, as I reread this, I must admit, it sounds like I am asking my earthly parents that questions as they have always set an unattainable bar for my sister and I...she's an aerospace engineer work with NASA and still feels she's not good/smart/successful enough...interesting how you read Christian authors that explain how your relationship with God can mirror you relationship with your own father/parents on earth.
I suppose with all of this and many more issues, thoughts, questions and concerns racing through my mind in a hundred different directions, it would explain why meditating during those final five minutes of yoga was so challenging for me. Practice, practice make perfect...I use to hear when I would have to practice the piano daily...okay, I have realized at this point in my life that there is no perfect, but practice, study, prayer...it sure can all help.
As I end my journal entry from this afternoon turned into a rambling blog post this evening, I go back to my initial question...what has God created me for? Maybe it's not suppose to be answered yet...maybe it really is the journey, not the destination that matters...yet I am still on a quest to better understand me as well as how I can begin to reach at least a wiser version of myself.
'Fear is the opposite of faith.' This line really stood out to me, as I have struggled with overcoming a variety of anxieties and fears in my life. I have also been taking a closer look at my faith, my religious beliefs and struggling quite often as to how strong my faith really is when I am facing challenges.
In the article, she states, 'Fear is a tool the devil uses against us to make us miserable and destroy our lives. It begins as a thought and then creates emotions that can rule us....Simply put, fear is the opposite of faith. God wants us to walk by faith and Satan wants us to walk by fear.' As I was getting ready for work this morning, a series of texts came through on my cell phone from my ex-husband. Reflecting on them now, they have fear written, as if by this definition, coming from Satan. 'U need to tell me who ur neighborhood snitch is. U don't understand the trouble u are in right now and I am trying to protect you!!!' 7:40 AM 'You messed with some people that dont' take this lightly and u need to cooperate with me on this because they did their homework on u and are watching u like u r me.' 7:43 AM 'I want u and especially the cute kids to be safe and u have put that in jeopardy! I am doing what I can to protect u but u think life is a fairy tale! Wrong!' 7:45 AM.
Good morning and welcome to another day in the life of Lisa. Why does he want me to live my life in fear? It really is sad, isn't it? Today, I didn't let it. I posted something on Facebook, just in case something were to happen to me, then headed to work, had a successful morning of parent teacher conferences and continued on with my day. As it was still a thought in the back of my mind though, not completely out of worry, I asked myself, if anything, what can I do about this? So I reread the messages and decided to call and then left a message for the local police, letting them know I'd be sending the texts for the electronic file they had started.
To continue on my day, my life, it was time to drink some tea and work on my search for my own significance, the reason why I am here, as the book in front of me had phrased it. I am still searching for my answer to this question. Referring back to the article again, 'The key to begin who god created you to be is to learn who you are in Christ...as you spend time reading and meditating on His word, you will be able to recognize the fears in your life that are holding you back. You can overcome them by seeing yourself in Christ and finding you have whatever you need to do what you are created to do.'
I asked my pastor today on my way out of the office, if God had ever spoken to him directly, how he knew what his calling was, or how he came about the decision to be in the career he was in. He said over a course of four or five different conversations he came to his decision. He explained that he'd be happy to go into the process another time, when we both have time to talk, but did give me one explanation of when he heard what he believed to be God speaking to him. He had asked him a direct question, waited and meditated for an answer, which he told me what was said, an indirect answer which brought him to his decision.
I am currently not good at meditation. I have read some articles and books about how beneficial it can be to your health and life, but as in those five minutes at the end of yoga last night reminded me, the clearing of all the anxieties, fears, thought, it's extremely challenging.
Reflecting back to my quote, 'Fear is the opposite of faith', apparently I need to learn how to strengthen my faith to help me overcome my fears. Having faith is a big request, easier to do on some days than others. As a radio announcer was saying on the way home from work yesterday, 'Wouldnt' it be nice if someone filled up your gas tank for you? We are here to fill you up with faith and encouragement to get you where you need to be in life..." It's true, for me at least, that listening to Christian music can recharge my faith, my hope, especially when you hear the right song, with the right lyrics speaking/calling out the words you so need to hear.
There have been quite a few cloudy days in my life lately, but sometimes, when I am willing to listen, a song like this plays for me:
Do you wonder why you have to, feel the things that hurt you, if there's a God who love you, where is He now? Maybe, there are things you can't see and all those things are happening to bring a better ending, someday, somehow...So hold on, you gotta wait for the light. Press on and just fight the good fight. 'Cause the pain that you've been feeling, it's just the dark before the morning...
-Before the Morning Lyrics by Josh Wilson
I realize life is always going to have it's ups and downs, it's cloudy and sunny days. We were never promised that things would be easy and really if they were, how would we learn, what experience and wisdom would be gained if we weren't faced with challenges? I think one of the keys to deal with this is to stay optimistic, focusing on the positives when the clouds roll back in. We need to keep having faith and not allow ourselves to be stuck walking on a path with fear consuming us.
Trust me, I am well aware it is easier said than done. How do you have faith, optimism, when you dont' have enough money in your bank account to gas up your minivan and the E light is lite up...when calls on your answering machine come in about bills you are behind on, yet you don't have the money yet to pay them either. Let me tell you, it's not easy. I finally got the courage, through lots of faith and prayers, to go to talk to someone about my financial situation a few weeks ago. It was hard, make that extremely challenging to swallow my pride, admit I had failed on my own and ask for help. I had to face the reality that I can't do this on my own and need help.
That, my friends, was one of the cloudiest days lately. The same day I spent the morning at the court house discovering there really was nothing I could do at this point regarding my ex husband. But I am so glad I finally stopped fear from overcoming me and took a leap of faith, through the doors and into the office for finical assistance. Come to find out, with a few more meetings and some budgeting homework following that first appointment, I discovered my credit history, which was not as horrific as I had dream it was, and am working with a women there to consolidate my debt, implementing a budget plan and working towards a better place. I learned the fear in your mind, your imagination can create a picture so much more horrific that reality may actually be.
It's a process, but at least I am not losing sleep and living with that constant fear and anxiety. I am holding myself accountable for how I spend/save my money and giving myself more credit, that I can make it work being a single mom on my own. I am not a failure, just because my checkbook wasn't balancing or I was reaching for credit cards instead of facing reality to make ends meet. It's way too easy to let negative self-talk take over on those cloudy days, but you just can't let fear win, really it's no way to live.
I am learning to have more faith in God, as well as in myself, truly I am. But with anything you learn, it's a process and some days the process is a lot easier than others. Speaking of learning, I am still, amidst the fear of dealing with money, the fear of facing threats from my ex husband head on, the fear of cancer or some other disease occurring in my life, the fear that I am not living up to my potential...not doing what God has created me to do...I am learning to question each of these fears. Why can't I handle my own financial issues successfully, with prayer and guidance from God (because I was told by my parents as well as my ex husband I was no good at it?) Why can't I have faith that God will protect me through the never ending issues my ex husband brings into my life (reality is I still have to have contact with him because of our children, but I don't have to let his fear control me anymore right?) Why can't I pray for good health, while also making better choices on what I eat, how much sleep/exercise I get and making sure I have down time to meditate and/or destress and breathe? Why can't I pray to God directly and ask him, what do you want me to do with my life? How can I possibly live up to his expectations? Okay, as I reread this, I must admit, it sounds like I am asking my earthly parents that questions as they have always set an unattainable bar for my sister and I...she's an aerospace engineer work with NASA and still feels she's not good/smart/successful enough...interesting how you read Christian authors that explain how your relationship with God can mirror you relationship with your own father/parents on earth.
I suppose with all of this and many more issues, thoughts, questions and concerns racing through my mind in a hundred different directions, it would explain why meditating during those final five minutes of yoga was so challenging for me. Practice, practice make perfect...I use to hear when I would have to practice the piano daily...okay, I have realized at this point in my life that there is no perfect, but practice, study, prayer...it sure can all help.
As I end my journal entry from this afternoon turned into a rambling blog post this evening, I go back to my initial question...what has God created me for? Maybe it's not suppose to be answered yet...maybe it really is the journey, not the destination that matters...yet I am still on a quest to better understand me as well as how I can begin to reach at least a wiser version of myself.
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