Mastering the Art of Aloneness

"Mastering the art of aloneness is a process. It involves developing the self-awareness, life skills and emotional intelligence you need to share healthy relationships and to live a rich, full, gratifying life whether you've living it alone or with someone else."

Solemate by Lauren Mackler, pg. 20

Today I spent a bit of time reading, journaling and doing exercises along with my new book. I already was aware that I need to love myself in order to love someone else, that I needed to work on my self esteem and be content on my own. If I could have done that all on my own already, trust me I would have! Luckily, this book went into more depth as to why we behave the way we do. Looking back at the role we played in our family structure growing up and stating that very few children actually are raised in homes with truly nurturing parents and that is because they too were not raised in that environment. I fit right into one of the categories, as a 'Lost Child' which in turn is why I now exhibit behaviors of a people pleaser, tending to rely on others for appreciation, dependency, conforming to rules and being cautious on taking risks. I also grew up in a home with other issues such as perfectionism, ridged rules and was suppose to be/act a certain way. The book goes into much more detail, but what I cared more about...can I be cured/fixed?!?

The next step, was working on creating an Nurturing Inner Parent or voice that combats all of these critical comments in our mind. Technically, the next step in constant awareness and being in the present moment, being aware of the decisions you make and why, the way you treat yourself and others, what you fear and why. The book works through all of these ideas and gives suggestions as well as examples of others who have also dealt with similar issues.

As the book continued on the topic of 'My Ideal Partner' I was hopeful it was going to help me out here! Well, it does, but not as I had planned. The analogy of the Cinderella Story, that a man will come save me from all my troubles, is unfortunately far too often how women have viewed a man in their life. It talked about pressures, (hmmm, I wonder who that could be?) who go after any man or women, hoping they'll be or making them into the idea match they want to see. The search for someone to fill in the voids and make them/me feel whole again. The book explained how amazingly often opposites do attract because of this. At first we feel like we've found our match, or soulmate when later we realized those very opposite personality, behavioral traits that attracted us to that person end up making us upset, angry or worse later in the relationship. The relationships are often doomed from the start. What the book explains is that all the traits we are looking for in an ideal partner are really traits we posses or wish we possessed in ourselves. "Whatever you're looking for in an ideal partner is a piece of your puzzle, a key to understanding what you're seeking in your own life." pg 218. Then it continues to help us/me explore how I can work on those traits in myself and have a healthier relationship with myself.

The importance of inner as well as outer support systems are stressed, as we can not take on all of these conditioned, unconscious behaviors alone and need help in taking on this challenge. The challenge is also to manage your conditioned self with compassion, patience and overtime. "Our perceptions produce our emotional responses. Our emotional responses drive our behavior and behaviors create our reality-the quality of our lives and the circumstances in which we live." pg 26.
The author explains this towards the beginning of the book and near the end, summaries that we need to go about working on our perceptions and behaviors by creating a 'Life Vision' that will help us master the art of aloneness through focus, strategy and commitment.

I felt this book was an excellent springboard for ideas to work on, to journal about and to discuss with others at this point of my journey. I even got into a discussion on part of the book yesterday...helping me realize that that the Phenomenology, how I see the world and everything around me, has been distorted views about myself, my relationships with others and the world around me. I have incorrectly learned that the authority is form the world around, other people, my parents, my ex and not from within where is should be. I have taken on this view subconsciously from how I've been raised and my parents, etc. that created this view of life did not, of course, do it intentionally, but it has happened and I have a choice to work on changing my perspectives, habits and traits. I just need to, as the book says as well, become as aware as possible of myself and my own personal thoughts, sometimes overriding the ingrained incorrect ones.

I grew up with the idea that the world is a scary place, I learn to become a subconscious catastrophiser, to see things in extremes, in black and white, and that I am a projection of my parents and not a separate person, taking on their fears, worries and still to this day not encouraging my own autonomy, not encouraging me to be independent my own person, but instead to rely on them or others for help. I was always watched like a hawk, not given freedom or space, told what I did wrong and should work on, how I should fix things or make them better, being corrected far too often. I truly want to identify all of these quirks or whatever you'd psychology call them as I don't want to pass them on to my own children and want to truly be a nurturing parent they need. Along with that, I want to show them how to treat yourself and be a role model of someone who is strong, confident, independent, happy and enjoying life with or without a man. I also do, someday, when the moment/timing is right, want to find that man who is a wonderful complement to me, to enjoy being two solid content people who also find happiness together.

Enough for tonight! I have to get the kids, who are playing amazing well together this evening, to bed!

L