I made it through today. No time for reading and reflecting on me directly today, but a day to reflect on later. My daughter finished school, finished the primary school today. I made it on little sleep, my own unwise choice, to her morning all-school assembly and to work, to pick up my son after finding out my ex didn't take him to the daycare this morning as he should have, and it's still not clear what happened, but at least he made it there, finally ate and was full of hugs and smiled when I picked him up after work. We made it back to town to pick up my daughter one last day from second grade. We went out to celebrate at Olive Garden and I was impressed at how much I enjoyed just the three of us out at dinner together. We made a list of fun things we want to do this summer, laughed, ate and had a truly good time. Afterwards we stopped by the nearby mall to get a few more shorts for summer and when we were there, my daughter again questions when can I get my ears pierced mom, even so and so has theirs done....she was right, she was one of the last. Maybe I had to wait until 10 or 13, but it was a special day, I suppose it might be a good time...I texted her dad, explaining she really wants to have them done and after the second text, he did respond, saying he was going to go do it soon anyway...I felt relieved that I had an agreement about a big decision, yet felt bad how he phrased he would have without contacting/asking me.
She was amazing, excited, funny, brave...and beyond excited and proud. I know I won't ever forget this last day of school, of second grade, of getting her ears pierced. My son stood by cheering and hugging both of us. SO excited for her as well. It was quite an evening. Now it's officially summer, school is out and I have made it through yet another transition.
I am not good at transitions, I am however better than I use to be. As I keep saying to others, I am a work in progress. I was contacted yesterday by a mom who is beginning the divorce process and I was literally quite taken back, scared to return her call/message. She credited me with how well I've done and I have a hard time seeing things that way lately. Last night, escaping my home, my feelings about how life it again changing, moving forward whether I want it to or not. I had hoped I'd be at a different place by the end of this school year, but I am not. I had hoped I'd have someone to celebrate/worry/reflect with on the changing of the seasons again, but yet I am still trying to do it on my own.
Tonight, I sit after making it through my day, not a bad day at all, just an intense day of changes, my daughter is growing up, my son is growing up, seasons are changing, former co-workers are retiring, new job offers are appearing. Change is always occurring in our lives, whether we want it to or not, whether we accept it or ignore it. I did call back the mom who had contacted me, once I got my exhausted kids to bed. Listening and probably talking too much, I was amazed at all I really have been through the past few years. I am at such a different place and apparently others see it as impressive or that I am so strong and doing so well. Quite the exact opposite of how I was feeling last night, but kind to hear. Yes, I've made it through quite a bit of ickiness, as I said, I didn't have a choice. My kids, God has given me them, blessed me with them and I am here for them, I will always try to be. I may not be doing everything right, but at least I haven't given up, in light of all that has been thrown at me. I guess I am making progress but definitely have some work to do still.
I sat last night, journal and book in hand and thought...I can't do this. I can't follow what I've read, I can't be strong, I can't face tomorrow, this summer, this fall of transitions without knowing what is coming next.
Then, I am reminded of what two co-workers were reminding me today. I am not alone, I was never meant to be alone and am not suppose to do it all...God...he is there if I'll let him be, if I'll let him in again, try and have faith again. I was reminded that I am not in charge of my life, as much as I want to be. God is in charge, he has a plan for me and it may not be my plan today, or on my timetable, or happening as fast or in the way I want it too, but he's watching over me and there for me. I need to refocus as I read and reflect and remember I am never really alone, at least I don't have to be.
One of these co-workers, yesterday morning, said she had read my first three blogs and pointed out that I am missing one key element in all of my plans, that I am not giving my troubles, worries, fears to God. She asked me what happened to faith, in God, in his plans for me. That I don't need to worry, to stress, that he will take care of me. To remember to be the turtle. Take it slow and it will work out.
The tired turtle is going to bed. I do have to thank all those who care about me and look out for me when I don't feel up to it. I have amazing friends, co-works, kids....and an amazing God watching over me, whether I am ready to trust him yet or not.
L.
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