I have always loved the joy in funny number combinations. Friends know I so wanted my daughter to be born on 02/02/02 and that my favorite time is 12:34 with 11:11 coming in at a close second. As I kept looking over at the clock, unable to sleep in bed, I finally got up and started surfing online. Then, I posted "I hate it when my optimism gets lost and I can't sleep". That is the truth isn't it. When you are up late at night, things can look so gloomy. Your mind and replay conversations of the day, events of the past week and won't let you let them go. I guess that is why people journal, blog or both.
The main thing right now, is that I can't understand how I ended up where I am. As my sister flew home today, I realize I haven't flown anywhere since I went to visit her the spring before our divorce started, which was 2006. How does a person go from traveling to New York, Texas, Arizona, Florida and Texas again in less than four years no longer know when the day or if the day will ever come to be able to stay overnight in a hotel in Green Bay, let alone fly again. Where did the Green Bay comment come from you ask? Just me festering over a phone conversation with my parents from earlier this evening.
As my sister was in town this past week, my parents took her to the airport today and the kids and I spent the entire day around home. Which, after having a busier week, should be fine, but anyone who has a week with a relative they only see twice a year, a person who likes to have plans on the calendar and fun things to look forward too, well, they can't help it but feel a little down once the week is done.
So, to try and cheer myself up, I started looking at fun ideas for my son and I to do in August as my daughter is going to be out of town with a friend for a week. I had mentioned to him about going to see the Green Bay Packers Stadium, as even though we has been there, he was probably about one and a half years, so he doesn't remember it. I started searching online this afternoon and discovered a family day is coming up, actually during the exact time my daughter would be gone and the tickets didn't cost too much. I didn't actually purchase them, but found where Ticketmaster would have seats if I did and had excitement back in my voice for the afternoon.
Then, my parents called. They explained went on about how exhausted they were from having company and were trying to rest up and had asked what we had been up to today. When I brought up my great idea, they immediately popped my bubble of joy. They explained that if we went, where would we stay overnight when the game was done? I explained I already check and it was 3 hours 3 minutes according to my navigation device and I could just drive as my son sleeps, as I am a night owl. Well that was just ridiculous to them, as it would be unsafe, too exhausting and on...then the fact that the tickets were only $10, that I would have to spend money on gas, food at the game, that I am just not in a position to be spending money like that. They continued, why not wait until next year, when 'hopefully' you won't be in such dire conditions. Hopefully you can turn things around a little bit by then. They continued on that they knew just how I felt and how difficult it was not to have money when I was a child and my mom was a stay-at-home mom, how they would just by the cheeseburger at McDonalds and drink milk at home (if Dad reminds me of that story one more time I think I might lose it)...how they never had any money to do things so they were creative and made their own fun, like going on picnics in parks. Yes, well, I have heard that non-stop for the past how many years of my life now?
I explained that they couldn't know EXACTLY how I feel, as they had each other. Oh, well not exactly, but we had to live off of nothing for years and we were able to make it work...again, I pointed out that they had each other. My mom's response (did I mention that when my parents talk on the phone they BOTH have to be on a line at their house...ug)...my mom said, "Well, maybe someday you'll have enough money to spend $30 a month on Match.com like your sister is". Yah, that made me feel all better and made all my problems go away...thanks mom. (Typed with extreme sarcasm.)
Well, after internally fuming for quite awhile this evening, I came to the conclusion that I really don't have the money to stay overnight in a hotel in Green Bay right now and as much as I would like to be able to take my son to a fun day or two somewhere, reality is I just can't. One of the things my Dad said is true...if I can get my old house sold, not having to pay the insurance, utilities, etc. each month on it will help some. It was just frustrating too, when the letter for dance classes that my daughter really wants to take, came in the mail this week too and my daughter was talking about it around my parents and sister. They, of course, were pointing out that when I was a kid, they never were able to afford to send me to dance class, nor my sister....although we also brought up I never went to any camps, yet my sister went to two summers of College for Kids, two Tennis Camps, two Space Camp and one Space Academy Camp (which she received college credit for while she was still in high school...back then it very rare to hear of)....oh and I was reminded that she took some type of flying camp/class as she got to go up in a plane too...somewhere in Northern Wisconsin...but I digress....the point was, I should not even be considering any dance classes for her. When we were at the baseball game the evening before, and ran into our neighbors across the street, they were commenting on how well my daughter was dancing/cheering and asked if she has been in dance/takes dance classes. Funny they brought that up, as I explained I just got the registration information for it for the fall and it's looking like it will be too much. Right away, she said, well that's when grandparents come in handy! I looked at her, as I know she's only known me and my family for a few months and said, yah that's not going to happen. I didn't dare tell her a few weeks ago when we were living off of less than $20 for the week and barely had enough money for groceries....my parents knew this and said they thought it was a good lesson for me.
Yah, not sure what I did to "deserve" all these lessons in my life right now. I was thinking more about if I were to get another job somehow...any minimum wage hours would just be taken away in child care costs as my daughter, being old enough to stay home for awhile with my son, after a hour or two, that's about all they can take right now. I know my parents have 'said' they'd help, but I know they were SO exhausted just being around the kids this week...one of the days, they made it clear that we were not coming over. I liked it one day, when I was talking with my daughter about making some kind of art I could sell...her response around my family one time this week was that, "Mom just needs to start selling art work like Picasso and then we'll have plenty of money for bills and stuff!" If it was only that easy.
The other thing I keep reflecting on from this week of a bit too much time with family, apparently. Is that I don't understand how I want to do things, be active, go a walks, got to the beach or State Parks, it doesn't have to cost money, but to just have plans, get up and out of the house and do things. They all think I have 'issues', not understanding why I can't just sit around and watch TV and relax. Well yah, for a couple hours maybe, but then I feel guilty that I am not being productive. I am not sure now where that comes from as I look and see my parents exhausted from a two hour trip to the zoo, or just an evening with the kids over playing board games. Apparently doing more than one thing in a day was just out of the question. From just having my sister over this past week, their own daughter and not other guests, they are going to have to recouporate for all of it. I just don't see how I am related to them in that way. I also felt odd growing up just sitting around the house all weekend for so many weekends, I just hated it. Oh well, everyone different, or at least I sure am.
So the fact that the banks are still trying to decide on what offer they'll take, if they'll take one of them on my old place and the fact that I haven't started creating my Pablo Picasso masterpieces yet...lead us to have to make it through the rest of the summer close to home. Which is not a bad thing, it's just how and when my parents pointed it out. I don't have to spend money to have fun, to find things to do, but it does help a little.
Going through a whirlwind of working as a teacher full time, with a spouse making good money...to being a full time stay at home mom with my spouse making REALLY good money, to divorceland.....still getting child support, but going back to work part-time, then full time as my son began Kindergarten. To not having support...how does one go from dining at Steakhouse that cost a ridiculous amount of money, to not having enough for all three of us to go to Culvers? It's just odd. When you can't sleep at night, it just doesn't make sense.
Yes, the kids and I are in a much better place emotionally no longer being married and having full placement o f the children. Yes, I have gained an entirely different perspective on money, shopping, life. As I told my friend out by her campfire on the 4th, it's amazing isn't it, how I am hardly the person I was five or seven years ago. As I was reflecting with her on all the big 4th of July kids parties I had through since my daughter was born up until the divorce. They always had such a great turn out and I loved planning them. She had been to almost all of them and said she had thought about me earlier that day, wondering how I was doing with all that. I really don't have a choice.
Life is what it is right now. I can't change what all has happened to me, I can only look forward. Easy to type or tell others, another thing to actually do. I know when I finally do get some sleep, things won't look so bad in the morning. Some of the many positive quotes I repost on Facebook will really sink in that I need to focus on the positive and take one day at a time. I know that, although I can try not to look back on the past, it's really hard not to some days. Knowing we had no troubles going to Door County or Green Bay for get a-ways not too long ago. That I use to sit up at night in a huge home, facing a State Park with an amazing view and not have to worry about which bills I was going to pay next, or what I will come up with for the kids and I to do the following week that will be fun, get us out of the house, but not cost any money. I would never have imagined I would be sitting her typing where I am at now back then. But I also know, I was not truly filled with joy. I knew my husband rather hang out in the garage drinking beer or rum with our neighbor, than spend time with me. I knew that I wasn't really appreciated or loved as I should have been. I knew I wanted my kids to have a dad that was around to spend time with them, not off working each night or at the local bar. I knew things weren't all okay, deep down I knew...but when you have all that money, you can paint a picture that things are much better than they were.
Now, what? I am not yawning yet, and although I have all those "find your true path" books from the library to figure out what 'job' I am suppose to be doing that makes all this money and somehow makes everything better as my parents think is out there...I know it's not. I know I'm doing the best I can and even though my sister my be a successful aerospace engineer, I am a successful mom and sometimes a successful friend/sister too. I know that I have been blessed with two amazing, healthy, smart, creative, kind children and that is my true purpose right now in life...to be the best parent I can be to them. Even if I am not the next Picasso, as my daughter hopes, hopefully something will work out with our finances and not "spending the money on Match", but when God thinks it's the right time, I will fall in love, real love where I am appreciated and loved back in the way I can give love to another....like a good friend of mine is discovering after her divorce a few years back. I have to remind myself to be patient, that God is not done with me yet...or at least I hope not.
