Psalm 27:14 was read to me moments ago on the Daily Audio Bible Podcast. It was already highlighted in my bible from the past but tonight, it was important enough not only to be highlighted, but to be my Facebook post and my title for this entry.
Yesterday. Yesterday I woke up excited, filled with joy. Yesterday I got my children up, feed, ready for school and sent on their way with an extra dose of love and energy. I was about to drive my minivan again, that had been in the shop since my icy slide off the road into a stoplight and it was back and looked as good as new. I was about to leave in my clean, like-new minivan to drop off my first set of note cards I sketched that are being sold at a local coffee shop in Madison. I got up the courage to sketch, create and most importantly inquire as to if and how I could go about selling my artwork there. The day before, I was blessed with kind words about how beautiful my art was, received information, a contract to sign and was told I was welcome to bring in my work as soon as I'd like. As if driving away from that conversation wasn't joy-filled enough, my excitement lead to a Facebook post with an overwhelmingly high response of positive feedback...I had no clue that many of my friends actual read my posts! I went to bed feeling so blessed and here I was about to drop off my first collection of cards.
I made it, they are now on display and I continued on to arrive early at my job, teaching preschool yesterday. I was beaming with joy, which I hadn't been for awhile, I sang along excitedly with the songs on Life 102.5, the Christian radio station I listen to for hope and today to share joy with. They spoke of the Rock-and-Worship Roadshow appearing in Madison this weekend, which I had plans to attend with friends. Yes, I was glowing from the inside out.
Then, life happened. After a more challanging than usual morning with the 3 year olds, I went back to my office to prepare for my evening K-5 Ministry Program when I briefly scanned through my person email on my cell phone. There it was, the message from my ex-husband, "I may have just got fired". I looked up, listening, trying to listen to what my co-worker and friend was sharing with me and had to do a double take...she asked what was it...I said I can't process that right now. I told her and then again said, no, I can't deal with this now. In a daze I walked into another good friends' office, looked and her with no more joy beaming from me and said the words I had just read. NO, she said in shock, she reminded me he likes to play mind games with me, he used the word 'may have' and could very well be trying to scare, upset me again.
I tried to continue on as if I hadn't read what I just had read but it didn't work so well. I posted sarcastically before shutting down my lap-top, "Lord, could you please give me 24 hours of joy before my new challenge?"
I made it to our other campus, got everything set up for the evening and returned home to be there when my children got off the bus and prepared to head back into town for the evening. My son came in the front door not looking so good, said he had a bad headache and didn't feel good...sure enough he had a temp a little of 100. We had no choice at that point but to go into work/church and I found a room where he could lay down with a blanket and I could come back and check on him...which I did and found him sound asleep soon after. We made it through the evening, home, to bed and with each child did our usual prayers, not daring to lead on at all what I was fearing inside.
Funny, how yesterday morning, I was so looking forward to blogging last night, sharing how it was exactly 10 years ago 02-02-02 that I was past my due date with my daughter, hoping the fun combination of numbers would be good luck and she would finally make her appearance in the world. I was thinking as I drove to work how blessed I am with a home, beautiful children, a good job, amazing friends...how I am making progress at budgeting and making healthy choice eating now and how much I am enjoying my work on growing spiritually as well. I would never have imagined I would be driving in to display my artwork 10 years ago, would never have dreamed all that the last 10 years have brought and the good place it has brought me too.
My close friends, who have been along side this path, road I been on through the past five years now (well five as of this summer), knew exactly what that message would mean if it were true. Prior to my divorce, I was a full time mom, with a husband who made over $100,000. I can tell you from experience though, that money can not buy happiness. It certainly would make a lot of things in life a lot less challenging right now if I had more of it, but the point is, regardless of the size of my home, the fact that I have to live on a budget now, my children and I are in a much better place. That being said, half of my money right now, that I live on, comes from child support. I realized that if an ex-spouse loses his or her job, it does not mean they don't have to pay child support, but reality is, there won't be direct deposits and the checks every three months that go along with that to pay my bills. If that money no longer comes in, we will not be able to afford our home, to pay all of the bills, it is a scare thought that I have not ever wanted to face. In the past I have not ever needed to face either, because part of the core of my ex-husband's identity is his job title, that and his salary. Even through all the drinking and other toxic behaviors his job is the one thing he clings onto for dear life.
The week is going to be challenging enough before I had received that text. My ex husband will be going to jail a week from Monday. For how long is yet to be determined until his final sentencing on that Monday, but his plea deal was from somewhere around 30-45 days. He was already scared for his life, for the thought of all of this, as he shared in emails over a month ago and other emails/messages/behaviors lead me to belief that fear/anxiety and who knows what kind of other behavior is on intensifying. This could very well be why he sent me that message and may have been saying it purely to upset and scare me, as he is having to feel scared and wants me to suffer too, that would be normal for him, sadly. He did not take the kids like he was suppose to this past Wednesday, which was more than fine with me as I know now that another man also began living at his house who got kicked out of the apartment above the local bar in town apparently, my daughter had told me.
I did take the first step and email him, asking him if and how he planned to tell our children where he was going or what happened. His response was to yell at me and not give me an answer. I have already spoken to my Pastor, my daughter's guidance counselor, a local police officer who is also a parent and all of them said that my almost 10 year old really need to be told, honestly what is going on. I know I will need to do that this week, and share it separately with my 7 year old son. This will not be easy, but with God's help giving me the words, we'll get through it.
I told my Pastor and honestly the police I had spoken with a couple weeks ago, that I truly don't know what will happen to my ex-husband this last week before he has to go to jail or how he'll make it through his time in jail. He is a workaholic, alcoholic and apparently is into drugs now too. I have been told they have people there that are familiar with people going through withdrawal, but I know from seeing his past anxiety attacks, that they are strong and scary. I was with him for almost 20 years, and a part inside hurts for him, for the loss of who he was at one time, for how much he has self-destructed and fearing for what will happen to him next. Sadly, he refused all his life and I am assuming now too, will refuse on psychological help as he has relatives who suffered from bi-polar disorder and toward the end of our marriage were very concerned about his actions/behavior, wanting him to seek help and treatment. He chose to self-medicate with alcohol. I finally got to a place, through counseling and prayer, where I realized I could not save/help him and that I was not going to allow my children to be raised in a home where things were as they were.
I don't know how he will get better or if he will. Someone said, maybe now he'll hit rock bottom and things will go better. I just don't see that happening, yet I still pray from him to be saved. After receiving an email from him saying he was in trouble, wait, I believe it was "someone narked on him" for having alcohol on his breath at work, right before Christmas...during a time he was on bail for his second OWI and told not to drink as a part of his that bail. Never has he respected authority or the law, in all the years I have know him, I don't see that changing now sadly.
So this morning, today, I was home from work with my son, who is doing a bit better but with the fever, I couldn't send him to school...I had time to sit and let things sink in a little...also time to start googling online what other types of jobs I could do with my degree in elementary education. I know, after trying last summer, that getting a teaching job in Wisconsin again is a very challenging thing. To get one this time of year, that won't happen. So what else could I do with my degree, experience of 6 years on the classroom, a little over 3 of being a full time mom, then Directing a Preschool Ministry, K-5 Midweek Ministry at church as well as teach preschool and run summer Vacation Bible Schools... I searched for a little bit and then was reminded that during my divorce, when I needed to find work and still had my three year old son home with me, that God provided me with a job...I didn't even apply for it, I was asked if I would be willing to take it on. It was a perfect fit as my son could come with and daughter who was in school could come with on Thursday nights and in the summer. It was truly a blessing. So why waste the time home with my son, who instead I could be cuddling with and focusing on. For all I know, my ex-husband hasn't lost his job and I am worrying for nothing. But being proactive, I was trying to look into options, as sadly it may become a reality before too long here.
At least I went from the mind set yesterday of I can't deal with this, shock, worry, concern as to where the kids and I will live, to the reality that there may be another job out there for me so I won't have to rely on his salary to make ends meet. So I am seeking and most importantly praying.
On that same note, I am still praying as to what I am suppose to do about placement/custody of our children. Each time I hear more about the situation over there or the state of my ex's life, I feel more and more like I need to get a lawyer and go back to keep my children full time if not more than 70 percent as it is now. I also know I do not have the money to do this, so I am praying to God for understanding and guidance as to how to handle all of this as well.
I posted a photo with a quote on it, that I found last night on Pinterest..."the LORD will fight for you; you need only BE STILL" Exodus 14:14. A couple kind friends already put comments under it to me. I am so truly blessed with so many loving friends (and you too sister!). I am so blessed with amazing children. As my children and I say each night, "thank you for a cozy bed to sleep in, clothes to wear, food to eat, toys to play with, books to read, bears to hug..." We are blessed. As one of my wonderful angels said tonight, "You're so right, Lisa! And you have more blessings and peaceful days coming. Hang in there!"
Being as still as I can...until next time I blog....
