Now that Christmas has come and gone, I feeling as through the next holiday is staring me down, no way around it, it's coming, this week. I sat today, asking myself why do I put such emphasis on New Years Eve? I commented to a friend, if I was the only one. Apparently, at lunch today, I was. The end of something, the start of something new, or as my friend pointed out, "it's just another evening". The other pointed out how much she liked staying home on New Years, putting on cozy PJs and not having to face crowds, pay for overpriced foods, she questioned why anyone would want to go out and brave them.
I explained, on the years I have my kids, I dont' mind celebrating at home one bit. It's the years, like this one, that I feel since I am kidless I should be out and about, doing something important, special, monumental. The problem is I'm not quite sure what that is.
So, as the new year is about to occur, I find myself searching for insite, knowledge, advice as to how I should be starting it out. Two magazines later, I am formating a bit of a motivational headache. Eat healthier, spend less, exercise more, you can do it! I feel a bit exhausted already and I haven't taken the first step. Perhpas, the advice in a recent book, NOT to make New Years Resolutions, is looking like a rather wise choice for me right about now.
I always seem to watch the clock on New Year's Eve, down to the last minutes, second, as if something magical will happen as the numbers roll over to 12:00. As the ball lights up in Time Square and this year's host of Dick Clark's Rockin' Eve, and this years hosts break into their chorus of, "Should Old Aquatiance Be Forgot", it's time, something is suppose to happen.
When I was married, I use to nudge, wake-up my sleeping husband, to share what I thought was suppose to be an earth-shattering kiss to celebrate/kick-off the New Year. Of course, I don't ever recall fireworks going off, or magic occuring anywhere near me. I just remember that sigh, "well, it's here, now what", feeling that overtakes me in that next moment. I really dont' know what I expect to ccur, why I try and get my hopes up about something, an evening, to provide a miracle or sudden burst of insite and excitement.
I sit here thinking, if I have the freedom to go anywhere and do anything this New Years, what should I pick? Maybe my friends suggestion to stay in and put on cozy PJs for the night isn't the worst idea in the world. I guess I'll have to ponder at that one somemore, I do have three more days to decide I suppose.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Sunday, October 3, 2010
I am alive, more than alive...
I am alive, or rather have been actively living my life. Which, when diving in fully, does not provide much time for reflecting and writing from the shore. But this weekend, circumstances have allowed otherwise. I have been given a chance to watch the show from a week and a half ago, that I wanted to see and was once again inspired to returned to my journal.
"...it's the way people try not to change that's unnatural. The way we cling to what things were instead of letting them be what they are; the way we cling to old memories instead of forming new ones; the way we insist on believing, despite every scientific indication that anything in this lifetime is permanent; change is constant. How we experience change, that's up to us; it can feel like death or it can feel like a second chance at life. If we open our fingers, loosen our grips, go with it, it can feel like pure adrenalin, like at any moment, we can have another chance at life; like at any moment we can be born all over again"
Grey's Season 7 Premiere aired 9-23-10
It was the summarizing quote on Grey's that I finally had the time to watch that did it. Change, a popular journal topic of the past few years, stating it's the way people resist change, cling to old memories instead of letting things be what they are...how about comparing current life to old memories. They didn't state a thing about it but I can sure relate to it. Looking back at the past terrified I am going to make the same mistakes again. Losing my faith in myself that I have grown, that I know what I am doing and viewing things in such a different way this time.
I also loved it when the character, Dr. Yang, was paging through a bridal magazine while talking to a trauma counselor, explaining how she knew these brides, these women who's only worry in life was whether their shoes looked right with their gown. Simple women, as she referred to them as, with simple problems...she continued on to say she always knew she was not one of them because there are simple women out there and then the other kind, ME she said. I could have been the one sitting there. I was the one sitting on a sofa not long ago, paging through a bridal magazine, not sure how I was feeling this time around, only it was my finance asking me the questions, as he could sense I wasn't quite myself.
I don't know the rules this time around. The first time, I knew all the etiquette, the latest trends and fashions, I made all the favors and planned down to a three page, single spaced check list for my personal attendant to go through as the wedding weekend played out. I can do what I am "suppose" to do. It's when there is nothing out there to follow, no rule or guidebook for me to read and take notes on.
As my finance has pointed out, there is not a rule book for life, Lisa. There never was and there never will be. There is no one to prove yourself to, no one to please, to follow orders from, to make your decisions for you. When you get engaged a second time in your life, a comment I never really knew if I'd have the chance to say, the thoughts and feelings were and are so wonderful, yet there is still a part of me that is scared. What if I mess it up again this time? What if he loves the idea of me, but when it comes down to living the rest of our lives together, I'm too much for him. I went from naive to overanalyitical, almost sceptical and keep flashing back to how things were before and what I should be doing differently now. It was all about the wedding last time, the show, the pleasing everyone, pulling it all off. But when I look back on it, how much of it was focused on the marriage. How much of it was focusing on the love and commitment, the mutual respect and trust in each other.
The time I spent reflecting and discussing my anxiety with a friend recently, helped me vocalize what I couldn't quite put my fingers on. As I told her, it's not that I don't want to marry him, or that I don't think he is the one; it's that I don't know what to do now, what to do next. I have heard so many caring people share their opinions of how long we should be engaged and opinions on how long we've know each other, people asking when the big date is and where it is going to take place. I told my finance, I don't want to do it wrong, I don't know when or where or how we are suppose to do this now. This was where he pointed out, it's all about the two of us now, what anyone else says shouldn't matter. Well, he added the four of us really, as the kids are a big part of it too. He is completely right. It is about the two of us being in love and deciding to make the commitment to spend the rest of our lives together. The wedding, no matter how big or small, what state or what building it takes place in is only about one thing and that's the two of us.
I have found someone who loves me for me. Completely, with out a shadow of a doubt in his mind. He pays amazingly good attention to me and can sense when I'm slightly off, only instead of ways of the past, he calls me on it and brings it out in the open. He has feelings, opinions, values, morals, hobbies and interests, everything I could have asked for and more. He loves children and is patient yet is not afraid to disciple and call it like it is. He is very straight forward and outright about his thoughts and views...yet will listen to yours as well. We are able to have discussions on all sorts of topics and yet not argue or fight if we don't see eye to eye on something. As a few of my friends have commented, I have found a male version of myself. Someone who plans and studies decisions, who has lots of energy and enthusiasm for life, someone who is optimistic and open about life.
Interestingly, recently, he commented on how we were raised in the opposite extremes when it comes to how we were to approach life. He was brought up, as his sisters were too he points out, that you don't need anyone else in this world. That you are fully capable of achieving anything you set your mind out too, extremely independent. I, on the other hand, was raised to be dependent on someone else all my life. As some know, my parents are still this way. He said that is probably why he was never married, he has opportunities too and relationships with great women, but he was never willing to settle. He said once he found me, after only a few weeks (almost non-stop weeks of talking and seeing each other that is) he knew.
I know what he was/is talking about. I knew too. He was unlike anyone else I have dated. Able to listen to me and actively converse with me about anything. We spent hours together, over 8 one time on a boat, just talking and talking like it had only been minutes. Time literally does go away when we are together. I have discovered a level of contentment I never knew was possible. I don't feel like I have to please him, or prove myself to him. He's made it clear not to buy gifts for him and I'm not putting him up on a pedestal like I have with other past relationships. This time it's natural and comfortable. I commented one weekend to him that it feels like we are on a honeymoon together, that I'm worried it's too good to be true, that I am going to have to wake up at some point here and go back to reality. His response was that there is no reason for us not to feel like this the rest of our lives. I don't recall anymore exactly, but it was something to the effect of each day of our lives together should and can feel like this.
I love watching his family, his parents, how they interact as a team. They don't agree or get along every moment, but by watching them, you can see how after 40 years, they still truly love each other. What a wonderful example they have set for him and his sisters. I realize now, from the past, that when you marry a man, you marry his family as well, and I have not a worry about this either.
I don't think I was having cold feet that first week after we got engaged, I think it was just shock, that this really is my life. This really is happening to me. I really am having another chance at a life with someone, only this time, hopefully so much wiser for the wear, a person who loves me for me and vice versa. It's not that I don't want to spend the rest of my life with him, I completely do. It's now how we mesh our independent homes/schedules/lives into one. Not a challenge I am afraid of at all, just it's simply change and as was stated at the start here, how we experience change, that's up to us.
"...it's the way people try not to change that's unnatural. The way we cling to what things were instead of letting them be what they are; the way we cling to old memories instead of forming new ones; the way we insist on believing, despite every scientific indication that anything in this lifetime is permanent; change is constant. How we experience change, that's up to us; it can feel like death or it can feel like a second chance at life. If we open our fingers, loosen our grips, go with it, it can feel like pure adrenalin, like at any moment, we can have another chance at life; like at any moment we can be born all over again"
Grey's Season 7 Premiere aired 9-23-10
It was the summarizing quote on Grey's that I finally had the time to watch that did it. Change, a popular journal topic of the past few years, stating it's the way people resist change, cling to old memories instead of letting things be what they are...how about comparing current life to old memories. They didn't state a thing about it but I can sure relate to it. Looking back at the past terrified I am going to make the same mistakes again. Losing my faith in myself that I have grown, that I know what I am doing and viewing things in such a different way this time.
I also loved it when the character, Dr. Yang, was paging through a bridal magazine while talking to a trauma counselor, explaining how she knew these brides, these women who's only worry in life was whether their shoes looked right with their gown. Simple women, as she referred to them as, with simple problems...she continued on to say she always knew she was not one of them because there are simple women out there and then the other kind, ME she said. I could have been the one sitting there. I was the one sitting on a sofa not long ago, paging through a bridal magazine, not sure how I was feeling this time around, only it was my finance asking me the questions, as he could sense I wasn't quite myself.
I don't know the rules this time around. The first time, I knew all the etiquette, the latest trends and fashions, I made all the favors and planned down to a three page, single spaced check list for my personal attendant to go through as the wedding weekend played out. I can do what I am "suppose" to do. It's when there is nothing out there to follow, no rule or guidebook for me to read and take notes on.
As my finance has pointed out, there is not a rule book for life, Lisa. There never was and there never will be. There is no one to prove yourself to, no one to please, to follow orders from, to make your decisions for you. When you get engaged a second time in your life, a comment I never really knew if I'd have the chance to say, the thoughts and feelings were and are so wonderful, yet there is still a part of me that is scared. What if I mess it up again this time? What if he loves the idea of me, but when it comes down to living the rest of our lives together, I'm too much for him. I went from naive to overanalyitical, almost sceptical and keep flashing back to how things were before and what I should be doing differently now. It was all about the wedding last time, the show, the pleasing everyone, pulling it all off. But when I look back on it, how much of it was focused on the marriage. How much of it was focusing on the love and commitment, the mutual respect and trust in each other.
The time I spent reflecting and discussing my anxiety with a friend recently, helped me vocalize what I couldn't quite put my fingers on. As I told her, it's not that I don't want to marry him, or that I don't think he is the one; it's that I don't know what to do now, what to do next. I have heard so many caring people share their opinions of how long we should be engaged and opinions on how long we've know each other, people asking when the big date is and where it is going to take place. I told my finance, I don't want to do it wrong, I don't know when or where or how we are suppose to do this now. This was where he pointed out, it's all about the two of us now, what anyone else says shouldn't matter. Well, he added the four of us really, as the kids are a big part of it too. He is completely right. It is about the two of us being in love and deciding to make the commitment to spend the rest of our lives together. The wedding, no matter how big or small, what state or what building it takes place in is only about one thing and that's the two of us.
I have found someone who loves me for me. Completely, with out a shadow of a doubt in his mind. He pays amazingly good attention to me and can sense when I'm slightly off, only instead of ways of the past, he calls me on it and brings it out in the open. He has feelings, opinions, values, morals, hobbies and interests, everything I could have asked for and more. He loves children and is patient yet is not afraid to disciple and call it like it is. He is very straight forward and outright about his thoughts and views...yet will listen to yours as well. We are able to have discussions on all sorts of topics and yet not argue or fight if we don't see eye to eye on something. As a few of my friends have commented, I have found a male version of myself. Someone who plans and studies decisions, who has lots of energy and enthusiasm for life, someone who is optimistic and open about life.
Interestingly, recently, he commented on how we were raised in the opposite extremes when it comes to how we were to approach life. He was brought up, as his sisters were too he points out, that you don't need anyone else in this world. That you are fully capable of achieving anything you set your mind out too, extremely independent. I, on the other hand, was raised to be dependent on someone else all my life. As some know, my parents are still this way. He said that is probably why he was never married, he has opportunities too and relationships with great women, but he was never willing to settle. He said once he found me, after only a few weeks (almost non-stop weeks of talking and seeing each other that is) he knew.
I know what he was/is talking about. I knew too. He was unlike anyone else I have dated. Able to listen to me and actively converse with me about anything. We spent hours together, over 8 one time on a boat, just talking and talking like it had only been minutes. Time literally does go away when we are together. I have discovered a level of contentment I never knew was possible. I don't feel like I have to please him, or prove myself to him. He's made it clear not to buy gifts for him and I'm not putting him up on a pedestal like I have with other past relationships. This time it's natural and comfortable. I commented one weekend to him that it feels like we are on a honeymoon together, that I'm worried it's too good to be true, that I am going to have to wake up at some point here and go back to reality. His response was that there is no reason for us not to feel like this the rest of our lives. I don't recall anymore exactly, but it was something to the effect of each day of our lives together should and can feel like this.
I love watching his family, his parents, how they interact as a team. They don't agree or get along every moment, but by watching them, you can see how after 40 years, they still truly love each other. What a wonderful example they have set for him and his sisters. I realize now, from the past, that when you marry a man, you marry his family as well, and I have not a worry about this either.
I don't think I was having cold feet that first week after we got engaged, I think it was just shock, that this really is my life. This really is happening to me. I really am having another chance at a life with someone, only this time, hopefully so much wiser for the wear, a person who loves me for me and vice versa. It's not that I don't want to spend the rest of my life with him, I completely do. It's now how we mesh our independent homes/schedules/lives into one. Not a challenge I am afraid of at all, just it's simply change and as was stated at the start here, how we experience change, that's up to us.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
A Concert of One
Barefoot on the capitol lawn, hundreds or rather thousands of people surround me while a live orchestra performs in front of me. Attending the Concerts o n the Square alone is definitely something I never dreamed I would do on my own, yet here I am, seated among thousands of people and yet alone.
Apparently I am rather self-sufficient, as I made it here, found dinner to bring with and a space right in front of the concert on the lawn, which may I add is extremely easy when you are a party of one.
Lawn chairs, blankets, small tables, picnics and wine baskets surround me as the orchestra conductor announces there will be a short intermission before continuing the second half of our music focusing on summer romance.
Imagine that, I attend the concert that just happens to be themed on summer romance, yet I am alone. I was just sharing with a friend, a few days ago, how I have not attended the concerts since I was pregnant with my daughter and would not imagine ever going back without a date. He questioned me, once again, why I feel I need someone else with me to attend, to do things that I want to do, why do I feel I need to put my life on hold until I find that someone I may or may not ever find. He reminded me that Lisa, you are a self-sufficient women, you can go anywhere or do anything you want to on your own. You don't need anyone to take you places, to take care of you, you are perfectly capable of enjoying and living your life on your now.
I argued, of course, that I want someone there with me, to create memories, to enjoy things with me. His response was that it's find to want things, but that I confuse want with need. You don't NEED someone else to go with, to make you happy. In fact, if you keep up that attitude, that you need someone, you'll only continue to attract men that see that weakness/insecurity and will take advantage of it. I know, I told him. We've went through this before, but I don't want to go through life alone.
So here I sit, living my life, alone tonight as I may be. I am making progress at this working on me though. I have made it to the gym five or of seven days for the last three weeks now. I am becoming better and not caring if others see me or how I look in my workout clothes, even if it's not how I wish I looked. I can feel myself making progress and I am eating much better-recording every food and beverage I consume plus I am getting more sleep. I am talking much better care of myself, which is step in the right direction.
My kids are adjusting to the addition of trips to the gym for Mom, as I explain it's making Mom healthy and to my 8 year old, I remind her of all the trips to gymnastics, dance, etc. that I have made without complaining. I think I am setting a good example for them of how important it is for Mom to take care of herself too.
As I wrote the words, setting a good example, I am reminded of another point I was arguing that is still spinning around in my mind. My friend was questioning the rush, why the urgency of finding a man to marry? I explained out of nowhere, that I need to find him so that my kids have a good male role model in their lives, as they are growing up so fast. He pointed out again, you don't need a guy for that! The kids have a wonderful mother taking care of them they don't need anything you can't provide them. I said I feel like I have failed that, not allowing them to have a home with a mom and dad. He pointed out again, that it's just me believing in the fairytale again and wanting them to also believe in the fairytale. He explained that it's better that you are teaching them to be true to themselves and to take care of themselves. That it is important to make sure you are happy.
On this point I got stuck, as my parents are as completely together of a couple as you can jet, did not teach me any of that. They showed me how important it was to find that person that takes care of you. Perhaps he has something there. That waiting to find a guy/man that truly makes me happy as well as showing them how you can be independent and happy on your own, two good examples I suppose I am setting for the kids.
I am definitely not the person I was the last time I sat on this lawn, with my in-laws and ex-husband. I can honestly say I am a much better person. Healthier, stronger, more secure, more independent, more secure, more independent, more confident that I was back then. I have always read books on happiness and finding joy. The books I read back then couldn't get me to where I am now, or perhaps they did and in my learning a little. It's all about finding a content place inside of yourself, that I was no where near when my focus was on making sure my ex or anyone else in my life was happy. I was wrapped up into pleasing everyone else, making sure everyone else approved of what I did or liked what I did or make or bought, it was all about seeking approval form others. I have looked to others for my happiness all my life. Even as a child, I would try so hard to achieve my parents and grandparents approval and it hasn't gone away. I have worked on becoming more aware of it and working on decreasing it. I have been so lost in fixing things and finding the right things I was suppose to do that I was missing out on my own personal joy.
Apparently I am rather self-sufficient, as I made it here, found dinner to bring with and a space right in front of the concert on the lawn, which may I add is extremely easy when you are a party of one.
Lawn chairs, blankets, small tables, picnics and wine baskets surround me as the orchestra conductor announces there will be a short intermission before continuing the second half of our music focusing on summer romance.
Imagine that, I attend the concert that just happens to be themed on summer romance, yet I am alone. I was just sharing with a friend, a few days ago, how I have not attended the concerts since I was pregnant with my daughter and would not imagine ever going back without a date. He questioned me, once again, why I feel I need someone else with me to attend, to do things that I want to do, why do I feel I need to put my life on hold until I find that someone I may or may not ever find. He reminded me that Lisa, you are a self-sufficient women, you can go anywhere or do anything you want to on your own. You don't need anyone to take you places, to take care of you, you are perfectly capable of enjoying and living your life on your now.
I argued, of course, that I want someone there with me, to create memories, to enjoy things with me. His response was that it's find to want things, but that I confuse want with need. You don't NEED someone else to go with, to make you happy. In fact, if you keep up that attitude, that you need someone, you'll only continue to attract men that see that weakness/insecurity and will take advantage of it. I know, I told him. We've went through this before, but I don't want to go through life alone.
So here I sit, living my life, alone tonight as I may be. I am making progress at this working on me though. I have made it to the gym five or of seven days for the last three weeks now. I am becoming better and not caring if others see me or how I look in my workout clothes, even if it's not how I wish I looked. I can feel myself making progress and I am eating much better-recording every food and beverage I consume plus I am getting more sleep. I am talking much better care of myself, which is step in the right direction.
My kids are adjusting to the addition of trips to the gym for Mom, as I explain it's making Mom healthy and to my 8 year old, I remind her of all the trips to gymnastics, dance, etc. that I have made without complaining. I think I am setting a good example for them of how important it is for Mom to take care of herself too.
As I wrote the words, setting a good example, I am reminded of another point I was arguing that is still spinning around in my mind. My friend was questioning the rush, why the urgency of finding a man to marry? I explained out of nowhere, that I need to find him so that my kids have a good male role model in their lives, as they are growing up so fast. He pointed out again, you don't need a guy for that! The kids have a wonderful mother taking care of them they don't need anything you can't provide them. I said I feel like I have failed that, not allowing them to have a home with a mom and dad. He pointed out again, that it's just me believing in the fairytale again and wanting them to also believe in the fairytale. He explained that it's better that you are teaching them to be true to themselves and to take care of themselves. That it is important to make sure you are happy.
On this point I got stuck, as my parents are as completely together of a couple as you can jet, did not teach me any of that. They showed me how important it was to find that person that takes care of you. Perhaps he has something there. That waiting to find a guy/man that truly makes me happy as well as showing them how you can be independent and happy on your own, two good examples I suppose I am setting for the kids.
I am definitely not the person I was the last time I sat on this lawn, with my in-laws and ex-husband. I can honestly say I am a much better person. Healthier, stronger, more secure, more independent, more secure, more independent, more confident that I was back then. I have always read books on happiness and finding joy. The books I read back then couldn't get me to where I am now, or perhaps they did and in my learning a little. It's all about finding a content place inside of yourself, that I was no where near when my focus was on making sure my ex or anyone else in my life was happy. I was wrapped up into pleasing everyone else, making sure everyone else approved of what I did or liked what I did or make or bought, it was all about seeking approval form others. I have looked to others for my happiness all my life. Even as a child, I would try so hard to achieve my parents and grandparents approval and it hasn't gone away. I have worked on becoming more aware of it and working on decreasing it. I have been so lost in fixing things and finding the right things I was suppose to do that I was missing out on my own personal joy.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Zumba, BodyJam..I'wana be, I'wana be...
"why don't ya put it on your blog, ya'll, rockin like this is my job, ya'll"
-Black Eyed Peas, "I wanna be"
The Black Eyed Peas are quite the hit at the gym I've discovered, not to mention on my radio. I've had quite a week of new experiences. A week ago, last Sunday, I finally took the steps through the door and into a gym...oh of course I had done my research before this...class, fees, times, options, childcare, so much so that I kept asking questions before the fitness counselor showing me around had a chance to get to it. He commented that I really did my homework...well yes, that's me.
Touring the gym was one thing, coming back to actually use it...I bought my first combination lock in years, and quickly discovered you need to bring your own towel for the showers. (Note to others, if you need to, your t-shirt you just worked out in can work, if it's all ya got) I tried out the Women's room, where there are a few machines and equipment that is not out in the main room in front of everyone...but Monday morning, when I first brought my kids and attended the Pilates Sculpt class I had my first experience to sweat in front of others. The kids room, speaking of my kids, was a hit (thank goodness!) as it has kick-boxing/skateboarding/dance interactive games among other things. On Tuesday, my one on one with a personal trainer. This was my true test...lifting barb bells while balancing on a ball, using the weight room, foot press, and other cool machines I don't yet know the name of, but I tried them all...the most challenging...the SCALE! I didn't like what it said, which is why I don't use one at home...and then the figuring of my body mass. Well, I came back Wednesday night and then another INTENSE session on Thursday morning with my trainer. She was having me work on Biometrics (sp?) and I literally felt and saw my body shaking as I was being pushed to my limits.
This is what I needed, to be pushed, challenged, I need to get in shape. I need to feel better about my body image. I need to gain self esteem. This is where my Friday night Zumba class fits in. OMG! Is exactly what I texted three friends when I caught my breathe upon finishing that class. I LOVED it!!! Dance lessons, fun, fast, entertaining and an extreme workout. What a riot that was! As I told someone, if my friends could see me now...let's just say quite the 'saucy moves'...not very Lisa-like, but so fun!!! I will be going back!
What have I learned so far? It's not a place filled with only toned, in shape girls and guys although there are plenty of them there....I learned I am not the largest or oldest there by all means. I appreciate that there are people of all shapes and sizes there. I have also learned that most of those working out are so focused on their own workouts, they could care less what you are doing or look like. I learn there are very knowledgeable, supportive trainers. Oh wait, I can't forget this mornings BodyPump class!!! I would suggest coming just for the entertainment...and of course the workout you get with it. We were doing some quite sexy moves in there too...Can't wait until I'm in shape and can go out to some places in Madison to try out all these moves.
You certainly can get addicted to all of this. It is a great feeling when you accomplish a workout. My energy level has went up and the drive to keep going. I am wanting to find healthier foods as I continue as well.
A couple close friends pointed out, questioned why I was doing all of this, concerned if I was doing this to appear thinner/more in shape/to look more appealing to guys, as one said, "you should be doing it to be a more positive Lisa". Yes, well, I am hoping to accomplish both at this point. Sadly, I think some of it is that I am not happy with how I currently look. But I think part of liking me is liking that I am working on becoming healthy and I have a good friend that warned me, if I go to far with this, he's gonna be yelling at me.
Speaking of getting in trouble/being yelled at...I am human and have been slipping up on the 'no dating' goal I was/am trying to achieve. One man, quite "yummy' I think was what my sister called this pic of him, winked at me on match and starting IMing with him. Wednesday night, after working out, I was on my way to meet him...knowing full well that we would not be a match, yet why was I going? Fate...or something would have it...my phone rang as I was driving in to Madison and a friend asked me to dinner. It was the sign I needed, not to go and I had a wonderful talk and evening with my friend.
He gave me some perspective, whether I wanted it or not, that I don't need to be so stressed and worried. That I create a lot of it by how I react to things going on around me. I don't have to waist so much energy on it. He said I needed to relax and enjoy the life I have. I said I was worried about what I was suppose to be doing with my life, work wise, free time wise. He said enjoy it. First, what I really need to do is to learn how to relax and he dared/challenged me to just sit for like 4/5 hours and do nothing. Well, I couldn't do that, but I did take on a version of that today that another friend alluded too. I went to State Street, downtown Madison for the first time by myself...to the Farmer's Market and then walked around State Street, enjoyed the shops, the art gallery, people watching. I had a great time, even on my own! I even went into the crowed, "Old Fashion" and had a beer and burger at the bar and it was great. I had a green tea as I sat outside at Michelangelo's and journaled a little/while watching interesting people everywhere. A women rode past on a bike with body paint all over her body and when i was in a store, a women checking me out at the register asked if I had seen the naked guy on the bike this afternoon...I responded no, but I saw the women covered in colorful paint.
It is true, I am being a bit egocentric, thinking that others will be watching and judging me at the gym, or at a restaurant while I eat alone or walk around downtown alone. They all have lives and troubles/joys of their own. Why I have spent/wasted so much time thinking of what others will think of me...something to still ponder.
L.
-Black Eyed Peas, "I wanna be"
The Black Eyed Peas are quite the hit at the gym I've discovered, not to mention on my radio. I've had quite a week of new experiences. A week ago, last Sunday, I finally took the steps through the door and into a gym...oh of course I had done my research before this...class, fees, times, options, childcare, so much so that I kept asking questions before the fitness counselor showing me around had a chance to get to it. He commented that I really did my homework...well yes, that's me.
Touring the gym was one thing, coming back to actually use it...I bought my first combination lock in years, and quickly discovered you need to bring your own towel for the showers. (Note to others, if you need to, your t-shirt you just worked out in can work, if it's all ya got) I tried out the Women's room, where there are a few machines and equipment that is not out in the main room in front of everyone...but Monday morning, when I first brought my kids and attended the Pilates Sculpt class I had my first experience to sweat in front of others. The kids room, speaking of my kids, was a hit (thank goodness!) as it has kick-boxing/skateboarding/dance interactive games among other things. On Tuesday, my one on one with a personal trainer. This was my true test...lifting barb bells while balancing on a ball, using the weight room, foot press, and other cool machines I don't yet know the name of, but I tried them all...the most challenging...the SCALE! I didn't like what it said, which is why I don't use one at home...and then the figuring of my body mass. Well, I came back Wednesday night and then another INTENSE session on Thursday morning with my trainer. She was having me work on Biometrics (sp?) and I literally felt and saw my body shaking as I was being pushed to my limits.
This is what I needed, to be pushed, challenged, I need to get in shape. I need to feel better about my body image. I need to gain self esteem. This is where my Friday night Zumba class fits in. OMG! Is exactly what I texted three friends when I caught my breathe upon finishing that class. I LOVED it!!! Dance lessons, fun, fast, entertaining and an extreme workout. What a riot that was! As I told someone, if my friends could see me now...let's just say quite the 'saucy moves'...not very Lisa-like, but so fun!!! I will be going back!
What have I learned so far? It's not a place filled with only toned, in shape girls and guys although there are plenty of them there....I learned I am not the largest or oldest there by all means. I appreciate that there are people of all shapes and sizes there. I have also learned that most of those working out are so focused on their own workouts, they could care less what you are doing or look like. I learn there are very knowledgeable, supportive trainers. Oh wait, I can't forget this mornings BodyPump class!!! I would suggest coming just for the entertainment...and of course the workout you get with it. We were doing some quite sexy moves in there too...Can't wait until I'm in shape and can go out to some places in Madison to try out all these moves.
You certainly can get addicted to all of this. It is a great feeling when you accomplish a workout. My energy level has went up and the drive to keep going. I am wanting to find healthier foods as I continue as well.
A couple close friends pointed out, questioned why I was doing all of this, concerned if I was doing this to appear thinner/more in shape/to look more appealing to guys, as one said, "you should be doing it to be a more positive Lisa". Yes, well, I am hoping to accomplish both at this point. Sadly, I think some of it is that I am not happy with how I currently look. But I think part of liking me is liking that I am working on becoming healthy and I have a good friend that warned me, if I go to far with this, he's gonna be yelling at me.
Speaking of getting in trouble/being yelled at...I am human and have been slipping up on the 'no dating' goal I was/am trying to achieve. One man, quite "yummy' I think was what my sister called this pic of him, winked at me on match and starting IMing with him. Wednesday night, after working out, I was on my way to meet him...knowing full well that we would not be a match, yet why was I going? Fate...or something would have it...my phone rang as I was driving in to Madison and a friend asked me to dinner. It was the sign I needed, not to go and I had a wonderful talk and evening with my friend.
He gave me some perspective, whether I wanted it or not, that I don't need to be so stressed and worried. That I create a lot of it by how I react to things going on around me. I don't have to waist so much energy on it. He said I needed to relax and enjoy the life I have. I said I was worried about what I was suppose to be doing with my life, work wise, free time wise. He said enjoy it. First, what I really need to do is to learn how to relax and he dared/challenged me to just sit for like 4/5 hours and do nothing. Well, I couldn't do that, but I did take on a version of that today that another friend alluded too. I went to State Street, downtown Madison for the first time by myself...to the Farmer's Market and then walked around State Street, enjoyed the shops, the art gallery, people watching. I had a great time, even on my own! I even went into the crowed, "Old Fashion" and had a beer and burger at the bar and it was great. I had a green tea as I sat outside at Michelangelo's and journaled a little/while watching interesting people everywhere. A women rode past on a bike with body paint all over her body and when i was in a store, a women checking me out at the register asked if I had seen the naked guy on the bike this afternoon...I responded no, but I saw the women covered in colorful paint.
It is true, I am being a bit egocentric, thinking that others will be watching and judging me at the gym, or at a restaurant while I eat alone or walk around downtown alone. They all have lives and troubles/joys of their own. Why I have spent/wasted so much time thinking of what others will think of me...something to still ponder.
L.
Friday, June 11, 2010
I gotta have Faith...thank you George Michaels?
This afternoon, I sat on a lawn chair, trying to both read my new book, wave at and watch my kids swim and keep from being distracted by the load speaker blaring music at the local pool. Yes, it did feel like the first official day of summer vacation at our house today. The kids stayed in their PJs until afternoon, when we decided the storms forcasted were holding off and went to the local pool FINALLY as my kids seemed to feel.
Sitting there, watching how independent and proud of how kindly social and respectful they were being, I attempted to read...it didn't work at first. I picked up my cell phone thinking, who should I be texting, why aren't there any dad's here without rings on their fingers, why were they playing these old annoying songs on these old bad music speakers? I sat and thought about how I felt different than sitting here last summer. Last summer, I was so uncomfortable not being there with a spouse, like I had it stamped on my forehead, single, divorced, not 18 and tiny...but I went last year, many times as my kids had a blast and loved this pool, I needed to grow up and get over it.
Then I began reading. It was okay, I could relate, but couldn't really focus...went in the pool for a bit as my son begged me to join him, his sister had found someone else to hang out with for a little while...then I was back and it came on the speaker...
"Yes I guess it would be nice, if I could..." Faith, song of my summer 1988, song that my first boyfriend called 'Our Song'...the first son on the cassette tape he had made it and I listened to thousands of times and later cried to after our 6 months ended and I was devastated..."I gotta have faith...'for this river, there comes an ocean, before I throw my heart back on the floor, ohhh I reconsider, my foolish notion, I want someone to hold me, yet I wait for something more...PAUSE IN SOUND...cause I gotta have faith, I gotta have faith, I gotta have faith a faith a faith I gotta have FAITH"
It was like the song was singing TO me this time, not bringing back a sad memory. But not until tonight though, after the exhausted kids were fast asleep and I had read on 50 or so more pages...I got to the part of the book where I was reading and then writing down quotes when it hit me. Wow, was this a combination..an author that was DEFENDING Cinderella, defending the fairytales out there. I was crushed when my fairytale of a life ended, was convinced I had to grow up and no longer believe in fairytales. WAIT, is it possible you can look at the fairytale in a different light? Be okay with it, still have hope, still believe, still have FAITH...(imagine acoustic guitar here and friend who know me, I'm of course strumming it)....
The theory of the author? Judy Ford, in her book entitled "Single", is that Cinderella was true to herself, her feelings, to life the entire time. She stayed positive, made the best of the life she was given, however awful it got, she didn't let her wicked stepsisters get the best of her, she didn't give up, she even sought help from her close friends (who just happened to be animals) when she was grieving the loss of her dream to attend the ball...and what happened? A miracle as the book addresses it, or magic...or as I was reading, perhaps it wasn't her fairy godmother, maybe it was suppose to be GOD stepping in, showing her what was possible. THEN the author takes a different perspective on the prince as well....does he settle for any of the other beautiful women out there, no, he knows there is only one true love for him and he knows she is different, has special qualities to her and waits until time allows for them to meet again (via the slipper of course)...and finally, only after they have both had to have hardship (well, after Cinderella has) she does live happily, true to herself all along, every after. She didn't find happiness right away, she had to work, to feel pain, sadness, aloneness and be okay and continue on. As is also pointed out, she doesn't scheme or plan as her wicked step-sisters do...look where it got them. She lets life take it's course.
Perhaps in a twisted way, there is a Christian message in this old fairytale as well...God is there, may not appear through a fairy godmother giving us a magical carriage, but is there, when the time is right and when we have kept our faith, to provide those wonderful things in our lives. Cinderella didn't give up, didn't ignore her feelings or try and escape her life. She accepted it, persevered and stayed optimistic...never thought I'd view Cinderella in a positive light again...I guess that's why you are never suppose to say never...
Hmmm...amazing the things you discover when you are willing to look...
L.
Sitting there, watching how independent and proud of how kindly social and respectful they were being, I attempted to read...it didn't work at first. I picked up my cell phone thinking, who should I be texting, why aren't there any dad's here without rings on their fingers, why were they playing these old annoying songs on these old bad music speakers? I sat and thought about how I felt different than sitting here last summer. Last summer, I was so uncomfortable not being there with a spouse, like I had it stamped on my forehead, single, divorced, not 18 and tiny...but I went last year, many times as my kids had a blast and loved this pool, I needed to grow up and get over it.
Then I began reading. It was okay, I could relate, but couldn't really focus...went in the pool for a bit as my son begged me to join him, his sister had found someone else to hang out with for a little while...then I was back and it came on the speaker...
"Yes I guess it would be nice, if I could..." Faith, song of my summer 1988, song that my first boyfriend called 'Our Song'...the first son on the cassette tape he had made it and I listened to thousands of times and later cried to after our 6 months ended and I was devastated..."I gotta have faith...'for this river, there comes an ocean, before I throw my heart back on the floor, ohhh I reconsider, my foolish notion, I want someone to hold me, yet I wait for something more...PAUSE IN SOUND...cause I gotta have faith, I gotta have faith, I gotta have faith a faith a faith I gotta have FAITH"
It was like the song was singing TO me this time, not bringing back a sad memory. But not until tonight though, after the exhausted kids were fast asleep and I had read on 50 or so more pages...I got to the part of the book where I was reading and then writing down quotes when it hit me. Wow, was this a combination..an author that was DEFENDING Cinderella, defending the fairytales out there. I was crushed when my fairytale of a life ended, was convinced I had to grow up and no longer believe in fairytales. WAIT, is it possible you can look at the fairytale in a different light? Be okay with it, still have hope, still believe, still have FAITH...(imagine acoustic guitar here and friend who know me, I'm of course strumming it)....
The theory of the author? Judy Ford, in her book entitled "Single", is that Cinderella was true to herself, her feelings, to life the entire time. She stayed positive, made the best of the life she was given, however awful it got, she didn't let her wicked stepsisters get the best of her, she didn't give up, she even sought help from her close friends (who just happened to be animals) when she was grieving the loss of her dream to attend the ball...and what happened? A miracle as the book addresses it, or magic...or as I was reading, perhaps it wasn't her fairy godmother, maybe it was suppose to be GOD stepping in, showing her what was possible. THEN the author takes a different perspective on the prince as well....does he settle for any of the other beautiful women out there, no, he knows there is only one true love for him and he knows she is different, has special qualities to her and waits until time allows for them to meet again (via the slipper of course)...and finally, only after they have both had to have hardship (well, after Cinderella has) she does live happily, true to herself all along, every after. She didn't find happiness right away, she had to work, to feel pain, sadness, aloneness and be okay and continue on. As is also pointed out, she doesn't scheme or plan as her wicked step-sisters do...look where it got them. She lets life take it's course.
Perhaps in a twisted way, there is a Christian message in this old fairytale as well...God is there, may not appear through a fairy godmother giving us a magical carriage, but is there, when the time is right and when we have kept our faith, to provide those wonderful things in our lives. Cinderella didn't give up, didn't ignore her feelings or try and escape her life. She accepted it, persevered and stayed optimistic...never thought I'd view Cinderella in a positive light again...I guess that's why you are never suppose to say never...
Hmmm...amazing the things you discover when you are willing to look...
L.
Random Quotes from the book Single by Judy Ford
'Remember that millions of people are in relatoinships because they are afraid to be alone. Do you know anyone who suffers from this?" pg 18 SINGLE by Judy Ford
"You don't want to be alone. You didn't choose it, and you don't like it. It's natural to grieve and grumble about it. It's paradoxical and a bit like magic, because it's through acknowledging the stark reality of aloneness that life becomes bearable." pg 25
Just be where you are. It's when we resist the lessons and benefits that we suffer. The mind can be ticky. It caves what it imagines is missing. Singles crave commitment, marrieds think about freedom." pg 33
"Love doesn't have anything to do with anyone else. Love is not a relationship. Love is a state of being; it's the condition of our own heart." pg 67
"Cinderella live ahppily ever after, not because she finds a prince to tkae care of her (although I'm sure that having a prince was a wonderful addition to her life)- she lives happily ever after because she knows who she is. And who is she? She's a perosn who knows how to make the most out of situation she doesn't like. And she is a person who knows how to accept magic. She doesnt' question or doubt the magic-what woudl she gain by that? She knows that miracles are part of life, which indded they are. Miracles happen every day, and life is full of magic. Plotting nad scheming nad conniving, like the stepsisters do, makes life less enjoyable. It makes life drudgery and hard work, and then people become depressed and hopeless. We're all a little like Cinderella. Perhaps you're working very hard; perhaps you're treated unfairly. Sometimes you might feel all alone. The story of Cinderella reminds us to believe in magic and miracles. It reminds us that hard work can be pleasant and rewarding. Cinderella reminds us that there is comfort in making friends with nature, and that there probalby really is a fairy godmother watching over us. Finally, Cinderella reminds us that regardless of our circumstances, we can liver happily ever after, even if there are setbacks along the way." pg 73
"I think people live happily ever after because of how they live each moment. I think miracles do happend that can completely turn one's life around, and it's good to be open to the little miracles that happen in our lives. The stepsisters tried so hard to make their life different...." Pg 74
"Prince Charming has something to teach us, too. He didnt' want just any women; he only wanted the women who fit the glass slipper. Almost fittering wouldn't do! And it never does. When I look aroudn, I see that far too many people settle for less than what they want-oout of fear that the right one can't be foudn, that the right house can't be foudn, that the right job can't be foudn, that the right relationsihp can't be found" Pg 74
"You don't want to be alone. You didn't choose it, and you don't like it. It's natural to grieve and grumble about it. It's paradoxical and a bit like magic, because it's through acknowledging the stark reality of aloneness that life becomes bearable." pg 25
Just be where you are. It's when we resist the lessons and benefits that we suffer. The mind can be ticky. It caves what it imagines is missing. Singles crave commitment, marrieds think about freedom." pg 33
"Love doesn't have anything to do with anyone else. Love is not a relationship. Love is a state of being; it's the condition of our own heart." pg 67
"Cinderella live ahppily ever after, not because she finds a prince to tkae care of her (although I'm sure that having a prince was a wonderful addition to her life)- she lives happily ever after because she knows who she is. And who is she? She's a perosn who knows how to make the most out of situation she doesn't like. And she is a person who knows how to accept magic. She doesnt' question or doubt the magic-what woudl she gain by that? She knows that miracles are part of life, which indded they are. Miracles happen every day, and life is full of magic. Plotting nad scheming nad conniving, like the stepsisters do, makes life less enjoyable. It makes life drudgery and hard work, and then people become depressed and hopeless. We're all a little like Cinderella. Perhaps you're working very hard; perhaps you're treated unfairly. Sometimes you might feel all alone. The story of Cinderella reminds us to believe in magic and miracles. It reminds us that hard work can be pleasant and rewarding. Cinderella reminds us that there is comfort in making friends with nature, and that there probalby really is a fairy godmother watching over us. Finally, Cinderella reminds us that regardless of our circumstances, we can liver happily ever after, even if there are setbacks along the way." pg 73
"I think people live happily ever after because of how they live each moment. I think miracles do happend that can completely turn one's life around, and it's good to be open to the little miracles that happen in our lives. The stepsisters tried so hard to make their life different...." Pg 74
"Prince Charming has something to teach us, too. He didnt' want just any women; he only wanted the women who fit the glass slipper. Almost fittering wouldn't do! And it never does. When I look aroudn, I see that far too many people settle for less than what they want-oout of fear that the right one can't be foudn, that the right house can't be foudn, that the right job can't be foudn, that the right relationsihp can't be found" Pg 74
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Exhausted but okay.
I made it through today. No time for reading and reflecting on me directly today, but a day to reflect on later. My daughter finished school, finished the primary school today. I made it on little sleep, my own unwise choice, to her morning all-school assembly and to work, to pick up my son after finding out my ex didn't take him to the daycare this morning as he should have, and it's still not clear what happened, but at least he made it there, finally ate and was full of hugs and smiled when I picked him up after work. We made it back to town to pick up my daughter one last day from second grade. We went out to celebrate at Olive Garden and I was impressed at how much I enjoyed just the three of us out at dinner together. We made a list of fun things we want to do this summer, laughed, ate and had a truly good time. Afterwards we stopped by the nearby mall to get a few more shorts for summer and when we were there, my daughter again questions when can I get my ears pierced mom, even so and so has theirs done....she was right, she was one of the last. Maybe I had to wait until 10 or 13, but it was a special day, I suppose it might be a good time...I texted her dad, explaining she really wants to have them done and after the second text, he did respond, saying he was going to go do it soon anyway...I felt relieved that I had an agreement about a big decision, yet felt bad how he phrased he would have without contacting/asking me.
She was amazing, excited, funny, brave...and beyond excited and proud. I know I won't ever forget this last day of school, of second grade, of getting her ears pierced. My son stood by cheering and hugging both of us. SO excited for her as well. It was quite an evening. Now it's officially summer, school is out and I have made it through yet another transition.
I am not good at transitions, I am however better than I use to be. As I keep saying to others, I am a work in progress. I was contacted yesterday by a mom who is beginning the divorce process and I was literally quite taken back, scared to return her call/message. She credited me with how well I've done and I have a hard time seeing things that way lately. Last night, escaping my home, my feelings about how life it again changing, moving forward whether I want it to or not. I had hoped I'd be at a different place by the end of this school year, but I am not. I had hoped I'd have someone to celebrate/worry/reflect with on the changing of the seasons again, but yet I am still trying to do it on my own.
Tonight, I sit after making it through my day, not a bad day at all, just an intense day of changes, my daughter is growing up, my son is growing up, seasons are changing, former co-workers are retiring, new job offers are appearing. Change is always occurring in our lives, whether we want it to or not, whether we accept it or ignore it. I did call back the mom who had contacted me, once I got my exhausted kids to bed. Listening and probably talking too much, I was amazed at all I really have been through the past few years. I am at such a different place and apparently others see it as impressive or that I am so strong and doing so well. Quite the exact opposite of how I was feeling last night, but kind to hear. Yes, I've made it through quite a bit of ickiness, as I said, I didn't have a choice. My kids, God has given me them, blessed me with them and I am here for them, I will always try to be. I may not be doing everything right, but at least I haven't given up, in light of all that has been thrown at me. I guess I am making progress but definitely have some work to do still.
I sat last night, journal and book in hand and thought...I can't do this. I can't follow what I've read, I can't be strong, I can't face tomorrow, this summer, this fall of transitions without knowing what is coming next.
Then, I am reminded of what two co-workers were reminding me today. I am not alone, I was never meant to be alone and am not suppose to do it all...God...he is there if I'll let him be, if I'll let him in again, try and have faith again. I was reminded that I am not in charge of my life, as much as I want to be. God is in charge, he has a plan for me and it may not be my plan today, or on my timetable, or happening as fast or in the way I want it too, but he's watching over me and there for me. I need to refocus as I read and reflect and remember I am never really alone, at least I don't have to be.
One of these co-workers, yesterday morning, said she had read my first three blogs and pointed out that I am missing one key element in all of my plans, that I am not giving my troubles, worries, fears to God. She asked me what happened to faith, in God, in his plans for me. That I don't need to worry, to stress, that he will take care of me. To remember to be the turtle. Take it slow and it will work out.
The tired turtle is going to bed. I do have to thank all those who care about me and look out for me when I don't feel up to it. I have amazing friends, co-works, kids....and an amazing God watching over me, whether I am ready to trust him yet or not.
L.
She was amazing, excited, funny, brave...and beyond excited and proud. I know I won't ever forget this last day of school, of second grade, of getting her ears pierced. My son stood by cheering and hugging both of us. SO excited for her as well. It was quite an evening. Now it's officially summer, school is out and I have made it through yet another transition.
I am not good at transitions, I am however better than I use to be. As I keep saying to others, I am a work in progress. I was contacted yesterday by a mom who is beginning the divorce process and I was literally quite taken back, scared to return her call/message. She credited me with how well I've done and I have a hard time seeing things that way lately. Last night, escaping my home, my feelings about how life it again changing, moving forward whether I want it to or not. I had hoped I'd be at a different place by the end of this school year, but I am not. I had hoped I'd have someone to celebrate/worry/reflect with on the changing of the seasons again, but yet I am still trying to do it on my own.
Tonight, I sit after making it through my day, not a bad day at all, just an intense day of changes, my daughter is growing up, my son is growing up, seasons are changing, former co-workers are retiring, new job offers are appearing. Change is always occurring in our lives, whether we want it to or not, whether we accept it or ignore it. I did call back the mom who had contacted me, once I got my exhausted kids to bed. Listening and probably talking too much, I was amazed at all I really have been through the past few years. I am at such a different place and apparently others see it as impressive or that I am so strong and doing so well. Quite the exact opposite of how I was feeling last night, but kind to hear. Yes, I've made it through quite a bit of ickiness, as I said, I didn't have a choice. My kids, God has given me them, blessed me with them and I am here for them, I will always try to be. I may not be doing everything right, but at least I haven't given up, in light of all that has been thrown at me. I guess I am making progress but definitely have some work to do still.
I sat last night, journal and book in hand and thought...I can't do this. I can't follow what I've read, I can't be strong, I can't face tomorrow, this summer, this fall of transitions without knowing what is coming next.
Then, I am reminded of what two co-workers were reminding me today. I am not alone, I was never meant to be alone and am not suppose to do it all...God...he is there if I'll let him be, if I'll let him in again, try and have faith again. I was reminded that I am not in charge of my life, as much as I want to be. God is in charge, he has a plan for me and it may not be my plan today, or on my timetable, or happening as fast or in the way I want it too, but he's watching over me and there for me. I need to refocus as I read and reflect and remember I am never really alone, at least I don't have to be.
One of these co-workers, yesterday morning, said she had read my first three blogs and pointed out that I am missing one key element in all of my plans, that I am not giving my troubles, worries, fears to God. She asked me what happened to faith, in God, in his plans for me. That I don't need to worry, to stress, that he will take care of me. To remember to be the turtle. Take it slow and it will work out.
The tired turtle is going to bed. I do have to thank all those who care about me and look out for me when I don't feel up to it. I have amazing friends, co-works, kids....and an amazing God watching over me, whether I am ready to trust him yet or not.
L.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Mastering the Art of Aloneness
"Mastering the art of aloneness is a process. It involves developing the self-awareness, life skills and emotional intelligence you need to share healthy relationships and to live a rich, full, gratifying life whether you've living it alone or with someone else."
Solemate by Lauren Mackler, pg. 20
Today I spent a bit of time reading, journaling and doing exercises along with my new book. I already was aware that I need to love myself in order to love someone else, that I needed to work on my self esteem and be content on my own. If I could have done that all on my own already, trust me I would have! Luckily, this book went into more depth as to why we behave the way we do. Looking back at the role we played in our family structure growing up and stating that very few children actually are raised in homes with truly nurturing parents and that is because they too were not raised in that environment. I fit right into one of the categories, as a 'Lost Child' which in turn is why I now exhibit behaviors of a people pleaser, tending to rely on others for appreciation, dependency, conforming to rules and being cautious on taking risks. I also grew up in a home with other issues such as perfectionism, ridged rules and was suppose to be/act a certain way. The book goes into much more detail, but what I cared more about...can I be cured/fixed?!?
The next step, was working on creating an Nurturing Inner Parent or voice that combats all of these critical comments in our mind. Technically, the next step in constant awareness and being in the present moment, being aware of the decisions you make and why, the way you treat yourself and others, what you fear and why. The book works through all of these ideas and gives suggestions as well as examples of others who have also dealt with similar issues.
As the book continued on the topic of 'My Ideal Partner' I was hopeful it was going to help me out here! Well, it does, but not as I had planned. The analogy of the Cinderella Story, that a man will come save me from all my troubles, is unfortunately far too often how women have viewed a man in their life. It talked about pressures, (hmmm, I wonder who that could be?) who go after any man or women, hoping they'll be or making them into the idea match they want to see. The search for someone to fill in the voids and make them/me feel whole again. The book explained how amazingly often opposites do attract because of this. At first we feel like we've found our match, or soulmate when later we realized those very opposite personality, behavioral traits that attracted us to that person end up making us upset, angry or worse later in the relationship. The relationships are often doomed from the start. What the book explains is that all the traits we are looking for in an ideal partner are really traits we posses or wish we possessed in ourselves. "Whatever you're looking for in an ideal partner is a piece of your puzzle, a key to understanding what you're seeking in your own life." pg 218. Then it continues to help us/me explore how I can work on those traits in myself and have a healthier relationship with myself.
The importance of inner as well as outer support systems are stressed, as we can not take on all of these conditioned, unconscious behaviors alone and need help in taking on this challenge. The challenge is also to manage your conditioned self with compassion, patience and overtime. "Our perceptions produce our emotional responses. Our emotional responses drive our behavior and behaviors create our reality-the quality of our lives and the circumstances in which we live." pg 26.
The author explains this towards the beginning of the book and near the end, summaries that we need to go about working on our perceptions and behaviors by creating a 'Life Vision' that will help us master the art of aloneness through focus, strategy and commitment.
I felt this book was an excellent springboard for ideas to work on, to journal about and to discuss with others at this point of my journey. I even got into a discussion on part of the book yesterday...helping me realize that that the Phenomenology, how I see the world and everything around me, has been distorted views about myself, my relationships with others and the world around me. I have incorrectly learned that the authority is form the world around, other people, my parents, my ex and not from within where is should be. I have taken on this view subconsciously from how I've been raised and my parents, etc. that created this view of life did not, of course, do it intentionally, but it has happened and I have a choice to work on changing my perspectives, habits and traits. I just need to, as the book says as well, become as aware as possible of myself and my own personal thoughts, sometimes overriding the ingrained incorrect ones.
I grew up with the idea that the world is a scary place, I learn to become a subconscious catastrophiser, to see things in extremes, in black and white, and that I am a projection of my parents and not a separate person, taking on their fears, worries and still to this day not encouraging my own autonomy, not encouraging me to be independent my own person, but instead to rely on them or others for help. I was always watched like a hawk, not given freedom or space, told what I did wrong and should work on, how I should fix things or make them better, being corrected far too often. I truly want to identify all of these quirks or whatever you'd psychology call them as I don't want to pass them on to my own children and want to truly be a nurturing parent they need. Along with that, I want to show them how to treat yourself and be a role model of someone who is strong, confident, independent, happy and enjoying life with or without a man. I also do, someday, when the moment/timing is right, want to find that man who is a wonderful complement to me, to enjoy being two solid content people who also find happiness together.
Enough for tonight! I have to get the kids, who are playing amazing well together this evening, to bed!
L
Solemate by Lauren Mackler, pg. 20
Today I spent a bit of time reading, journaling and doing exercises along with my new book. I already was aware that I need to love myself in order to love someone else, that I needed to work on my self esteem and be content on my own. If I could have done that all on my own already, trust me I would have! Luckily, this book went into more depth as to why we behave the way we do. Looking back at the role we played in our family structure growing up and stating that very few children actually are raised in homes with truly nurturing parents and that is because they too were not raised in that environment. I fit right into one of the categories, as a 'Lost Child' which in turn is why I now exhibit behaviors of a people pleaser, tending to rely on others for appreciation, dependency, conforming to rules and being cautious on taking risks. I also grew up in a home with other issues such as perfectionism, ridged rules and was suppose to be/act a certain way. The book goes into much more detail, but what I cared more about...can I be cured/fixed?!?
The next step, was working on creating an Nurturing Inner Parent or voice that combats all of these critical comments in our mind. Technically, the next step in constant awareness and being in the present moment, being aware of the decisions you make and why, the way you treat yourself and others, what you fear and why. The book works through all of these ideas and gives suggestions as well as examples of others who have also dealt with similar issues.
As the book continued on the topic of 'My Ideal Partner' I was hopeful it was going to help me out here! Well, it does, but not as I had planned. The analogy of the Cinderella Story, that a man will come save me from all my troubles, is unfortunately far too often how women have viewed a man in their life. It talked about pressures, (hmmm, I wonder who that could be?) who go after any man or women, hoping they'll be or making them into the idea match they want to see. The search for someone to fill in the voids and make them/me feel whole again. The book explained how amazingly often opposites do attract because of this. At first we feel like we've found our match, or soulmate when later we realized those very opposite personality, behavioral traits that attracted us to that person end up making us upset, angry or worse later in the relationship. The relationships are often doomed from the start. What the book explains is that all the traits we are looking for in an ideal partner are really traits we posses or wish we possessed in ourselves. "Whatever you're looking for in an ideal partner is a piece of your puzzle, a key to understanding what you're seeking in your own life." pg 218. Then it continues to help us/me explore how I can work on those traits in myself and have a healthier relationship with myself.
The importance of inner as well as outer support systems are stressed, as we can not take on all of these conditioned, unconscious behaviors alone and need help in taking on this challenge. The challenge is also to manage your conditioned self with compassion, patience and overtime. "Our perceptions produce our emotional responses. Our emotional responses drive our behavior and behaviors create our reality-the quality of our lives and the circumstances in which we live." pg 26.
The author explains this towards the beginning of the book and near the end, summaries that we need to go about working on our perceptions and behaviors by creating a 'Life Vision' that will help us master the art of aloneness through focus, strategy and commitment.
I felt this book was an excellent springboard for ideas to work on, to journal about and to discuss with others at this point of my journey. I even got into a discussion on part of the book yesterday...helping me realize that that the Phenomenology, how I see the world and everything around me, has been distorted views about myself, my relationships with others and the world around me. I have incorrectly learned that the authority is form the world around, other people, my parents, my ex and not from within where is should be. I have taken on this view subconsciously from how I've been raised and my parents, etc. that created this view of life did not, of course, do it intentionally, but it has happened and I have a choice to work on changing my perspectives, habits and traits. I just need to, as the book says as well, become as aware as possible of myself and my own personal thoughts, sometimes overriding the ingrained incorrect ones.
I grew up with the idea that the world is a scary place, I learn to become a subconscious catastrophiser, to see things in extremes, in black and white, and that I am a projection of my parents and not a separate person, taking on their fears, worries and still to this day not encouraging my own autonomy, not encouraging me to be independent my own person, but instead to rely on them or others for help. I was always watched like a hawk, not given freedom or space, told what I did wrong and should work on, how I should fix things or make them better, being corrected far too often. I truly want to identify all of these quirks or whatever you'd psychology call them as I don't want to pass them on to my own children and want to truly be a nurturing parent they need. Along with that, I want to show them how to treat yourself and be a role model of someone who is strong, confident, independent, happy and enjoying life with or without a man. I also do, someday, when the moment/timing is right, want to find that man who is a wonderful complement to me, to enjoy being two solid content people who also find happiness together.
Enough for tonight! I have to get the kids, who are playing amazing well together this evening, to bed!
L
Monday, June 7, 2010
My Research Begins
"If you aspire to a healthy, conscious partnership or marriage, mastering the art of aloneness and becoming the partner you seek are important prerequisites."
Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness & Transform Your Life
by Lauren Mackler, pg 213
Here I go again, a new coffee shop today and a pile of books on my table. Anyone who knows me, knows I have to research and learn about anything I attempt to do. So, why not study about being single/alone. Apparently, from the trip to Barnes and Noble last night, I am far from the only one needing help in this world. I sat myself down on the not so soft carpet and just stared...so many titles, so many people out there with suggestions and advice for me. The first book I pulled off the shelf was entitled Solemate, but Lauen Mackler. I read years ago, Thomas Moore's, Soulmate, but I quickly found this book to be quite different. I sat there going through pages and pages and then stopped, pulled out my journal and stared recording quote after quote...fine, I'll buy the stupid book!
'By reclaiming your wholeness, reintegrating the parts of you that were lost during your life conditioning and becoming aware of the habitual patterns that drive your relationship, you'll be in a better place to enter into a healthy, conscious relationship with another person." page 210. That sounds about right, I guess the next step for me is reclaiming my wholeness. Wait, I was going to enjoy single file, not fix myself. I guess I'm tackling that too, which makes sense, I need help and if this will do it, okay let's take it on. Yes,I will need this book and on my search continued.
Next I found Single: The art of being satisfied, fulfilled, and independent by Judy Ford and began to read the back cover...
"Single is...not a condition to be cured...it's just as natural as being part of a couple. It's wisdom is contagious...Singe is about upholding the most enduring relationship of all, the one we have with ourselves."
Yes, well seeing as though a good friend keeps pointing out to me I should love myself, being by myself and just be happy enjoying life on my own, I shouldn't need anyone else to make me happy. I know at some level, all of this, but this book might have some good advice/suggestions as to how to help me work on that.
Finally, I found and purchased a book/journal entitled, Skinny Bitchin' A "Get Off Your Ass" Journal to Help You Change Your Life, Achieve Your Goals, and Rock Your World! by Roy Freeman and Kim Barnouin. I laughed out loud when I read "Quit crying in a corner 'cause your boyfriend dumped you, you know he was a lame-ass anyway. Bask in the glory of being single for awhile" as I continued it stated clearly to me, "Whatever you've been dying to do or try but have been too scared-today is the day! Carpe diem bitches! This ain't no dress rehearsal!"
Yup, I guess I could use their straight talk too. Originally, I headed to the magazine section to find all the local magazines to find what fun events I should plan to attend this summer, so I could start booking up my "free weekends". But after my search, I decided, maybe it would be best to not plan every moment nervously and see where I end up on my own.
On my drive home, I was processing all the information I had just read, thinking what have I been scared to do that I could do right now and then I did it. I entered a local bar on my own, for the first time ever in my life. I walked in alone, sat at the counter and ordered a beer and a bar burger, which is what I've been really craving for awhile now, but always to anxious to go on my own. It was great and surprisingly I survived and realized how shy, yet friendly the bartender was. Check, one off my list, how many to go?
Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness & Transform Your Life
by Lauren Mackler, pg 213
Here I go again, a new coffee shop today and a pile of books on my table. Anyone who knows me, knows I have to research and learn about anything I attempt to do. So, why not study about being single/alone. Apparently, from the trip to Barnes and Noble last night, I am far from the only one needing help in this world. I sat myself down on the not so soft carpet and just stared...so many titles, so many people out there with suggestions and advice for me. The first book I pulled off the shelf was entitled Solemate, but Lauen Mackler. I read years ago, Thomas Moore's, Soulmate, but I quickly found this book to be quite different. I sat there going through pages and pages and then stopped, pulled out my journal and stared recording quote after quote...fine, I'll buy the stupid book!
'By reclaiming your wholeness, reintegrating the parts of you that were lost during your life conditioning and becoming aware of the habitual patterns that drive your relationship, you'll be in a better place to enter into a healthy, conscious relationship with another person." page 210. That sounds about right, I guess the next step for me is reclaiming my wholeness. Wait, I was going to enjoy single file, not fix myself. I guess I'm tackling that too, which makes sense, I need help and if this will do it, okay let's take it on. Yes,I will need this book and on my search continued.
Next I found Single: The art of being satisfied, fulfilled, and independent by Judy Ford and began to read the back cover...
"Single is...not a condition to be cured...it's just as natural as being part of a couple. It's wisdom is contagious...Singe is about upholding the most enduring relationship of all, the one we have with ourselves."
Yes, well seeing as though a good friend keeps pointing out to me I should love myself, being by myself and just be happy enjoying life on my own, I shouldn't need anyone else to make me happy. I know at some level, all of this, but this book might have some good advice/suggestions as to how to help me work on that.
Finally, I found and purchased a book/journal entitled, Skinny Bitchin' A "Get Off Your Ass" Journal to Help You Change Your Life, Achieve Your Goals, and Rock Your World! by Roy Freeman and Kim Barnouin. I laughed out loud when I read "Quit crying in a corner 'cause your boyfriend dumped you, you know he was a lame-ass anyway. Bask in the glory of being single for awhile" as I continued it stated clearly to me, "Whatever you've been dying to do or try but have been too scared-today is the day! Carpe diem bitches! This ain't no dress rehearsal!"
Yup, I guess I could use their straight talk too. Originally, I headed to the magazine section to find all the local magazines to find what fun events I should plan to attend this summer, so I could start booking up my "free weekends". But after my search, I decided, maybe it would be best to not plan every moment nervously and see where I end up on my own.
On my drive home, I was processing all the information I had just read, thinking what have I been scared to do that I could do right now and then I did it. I entered a local bar on my own, for the first time ever in my life. I walked in alone, sat at the counter and ordered a beer and a bar burger, which is what I've been really craving for awhile now, but always to anxious to go on my own. It was great and surprisingly I survived and realized how shy, yet friendly the bartender was. Check, one off my list, how many to go?
Sunday, June 6, 2010
New Perspective
Sunday morning, a new day, a new perspective or at least I hope. I came to the realization last night, like it or not, that things are not going to work out with Jon. There is nothing further I can do, it is what it is. So here I sit, trying to regain perspective on my life. I talked with a good friend last night, a couple of them actually and it was agreed, I should stop. Stop trying, stop pushing, stop stressing, stop worrying, stop searching, just stop. For the next two months, or maybe even all summer, just focus on me again, enjoying my life on my own.
Last night, she said, "You were in such a better place when you told yourself you weren't ready to or going to date. Once your divorce was finalized, you've been on a constant mission to find 'the one' and putting so much pressure on yourself. She is right. I am determined, driven, convinced I can do something when I put my mind to it, but when it comes to relationships, finding my soul mate, I sadly have to admit, it's out of my control.
"It works out when you don't try. Trust me :)" a friend responded to my facebook post last night. She is right and knows their from personal experience, as she was in a similar boat a few years ago, now happily married, for the second time, to a most wonderful man.
I told my friend over drinks last night, "but the fourth of July is coming" it is my first one without kids and a chance to have a romantic evening watching the fireworks with the guy I am suppose to be with. I was suppose to have found him by now I continued on. She pointed out how I keep setting myself up to be hurt, to be let down when I make goals that I can't keep. As I point out, I do it subconsciously, but I suppose she's right.
During those almost two years it took for my divorce, I told myself and everyone else, I was not ready or going to date and instead focus on my kids and myself. I needed to find myself again as I had been so lost through all that had happened. I took off any and all pressure and until I step back and analyze it with a friend, I hadn't realized all the pressure I had placed on myself today.
By telling my friends and co workers each time I meet someone, actually was more hurtful than helpful. They are so kind and encouraging, hopeful and optimistic that I felt as though I was letting them down, failing not only my goals but their dreams for me as well. I ended feeling even worse re-explaining things to others each time a relationship has not worked out. I know they are all concerned and want me to find "the one" as much as I do, but I think including others in the beginning, just ads more unnecessary pain.
So how do I go back, or refocus, re shift my attention on me, not on finding a guy. Probably easy for many, but I don't like to focus on myself. When my kids are around, no problem, not worried. It's that every-other-weekend when I'm "kidless" that I dread. I view these weekends negatively, as "alone" weekends, when I'm unwanted and have no one to share life with. I decided I need to fill these weekends with fun plans so I no longer dread them.
Six weekends, excluding the current one, I am alone this summer. My mission is to find exciting things to fill this summer with to remember it is a wonderful gift, a treasure, rather than the sad lonely upcoming time I have been given. The extreme planner that I am, actually I read this is a trait of Virgos, imagine that! is ready to take on the planning and to keep myself focused on enjoying each weekend and not focusing on having a guy to share it with...
So I have created this blog. To give myself a goal, to give myself a new perspective and make myself accountable. No more match.com, no more searching and dreaming, or dreading that I will end up alone and sad. It is time to enjoy the summer ahead of me regardless of my single status. I am off to plan my first weekends/events and will post what I come up with, as my plans will, of course, include the amazing girlfriends in my life!!!
Oh, one side note...last night, my friend did point out, while I am refocusing on me, taking a so called "diet from dating" over the next few months, if something/someone appears on their own, I am allowed to snack...LOL...meaning, if a date pops up I can take it, but no hunting one down anymore...the focus is on Lisa and enjoying her single life!
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Last night, she said, "You were in such a better place when you told yourself you weren't ready to or going to date. Once your divorce was finalized, you've been on a constant mission to find 'the one' and putting so much pressure on yourself. She is right. I am determined, driven, convinced I can do something when I put my mind to it, but when it comes to relationships, finding my soul mate, I sadly have to admit, it's out of my control.
"It works out when you don't try. Trust me :)" a friend responded to my facebook post last night. She is right and knows their from personal experience, as she was in a similar boat a few years ago, now happily married, for the second time, to a most wonderful man.
I told my friend over drinks last night, "but the fourth of July is coming" it is my first one without kids and a chance to have a romantic evening watching the fireworks with the guy I am suppose to be with. I was suppose to have found him by now I continued on. She pointed out how I keep setting myself up to be hurt, to be let down when I make goals that I can't keep. As I point out, I do it subconsciously, but I suppose she's right.
During those almost two years it took for my divorce, I told myself and everyone else, I was not ready or going to date and instead focus on my kids and myself. I needed to find myself again as I had been so lost through all that had happened. I took off any and all pressure and until I step back and analyze it with a friend, I hadn't realized all the pressure I had placed on myself today.
By telling my friends and co workers each time I meet someone, actually was more hurtful than helpful. They are so kind and encouraging, hopeful and optimistic that I felt as though I was letting them down, failing not only my goals but their dreams for me as well. I ended feeling even worse re-explaining things to others each time a relationship has not worked out. I know they are all concerned and want me to find "the one" as much as I do, but I think including others in the beginning, just ads more unnecessary pain.
So how do I go back, or refocus, re shift my attention on me, not on finding a guy. Probably easy for many, but I don't like to focus on myself. When my kids are around, no problem, not worried. It's that every-other-weekend when I'm "kidless" that I dread. I view these weekends negatively, as "alone" weekends, when I'm unwanted and have no one to share life with. I decided I need to fill these weekends with fun plans so I no longer dread them.
Six weekends, excluding the current one, I am alone this summer. My mission is to find exciting things to fill this summer with to remember it is a wonderful gift, a treasure, rather than the sad lonely upcoming time I have been given. The extreme planner that I am, actually I read this is a trait of Virgos, imagine that! is ready to take on the planning and to keep myself focused on enjoying each weekend and not focusing on having a guy to share it with...
So I have created this blog. To give myself a goal, to give myself a new perspective and make myself accountable. No more match.com, no more searching and dreaming, or dreading that I will end up alone and sad. It is time to enjoy the summer ahead of me regardless of my single status. I am off to plan my first weekends/events and will post what I come up with, as my plans will, of course, include the amazing girlfriends in my life!!!
Oh, one side note...last night, my friend did point out, while I am refocusing on me, taking a so called "diet from dating" over the next few months, if something/someone appears on their own, I am allowed to snack...LOL...meaning, if a date pops up I can take it, but no hunting one down anymore...the focus is on Lisa and enjoying her single life!
Sunday, June 6, 2010
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