Where do I begin?
I suppose when I got up this morning. It was the second day of the new school year and I finally had both kids up and about to sit down to breakfast with my son. I don't recall what was said or what triggered the comment, but my 6, almost 7 year old son tells me that he didn't like it when Dad tried making him wear a diaper. I was taken off-guard, not sure what he was talking about or where the comment had come from...what are you talking about, I questioned and he continued that Daddy was trying to put a diaper on him and he tried doing those Ompa's (a move he learned in the month of marital arts he tried during August) to get him to stop. I questioned if he asked his sister for help...he said even more mad, she was laughing at me!!!! I looked across into the family room and said, WHAT? She said, "No I wasn't and then couldn't keep a straight face...well, it was funny mom!" I couldn't comprehend what on earth they were talking about...she then said, "well I had one on too!"...this from my almost 10 year old daughter. My son had now refused to eat and ran into my bed and hid under the blanket. I tried to explain to my daughter, that's not okay! Why does he even have diapers? Can't you throw them away next time you are there? She responded, no mom, what if I want to put them on Snowy (their new cat)...no that's not okay either I tried to rationalize as I went down the hall to speak with my son.
He was curled up saying, Mom I really didn't like it went he did that, I dont' want him to do that again! I said that I don't either and I am so sorry he had to go through that. We managed to talk about something else and make it down to the bus stop to pass out the surprise Happy Friday treat we had for the neighbor friends. As the kids left on the bus and the parents excitedly said a three day weekend...I headed home to get ready for work thinking, I am so not looking forward to this...
I showered, made it in to work slightly before my meeting and explained what I had heard at breakfast to a co-worker I trust...she said, that is NOT OKAY LISA! I know, I said, I just dont' know what I can do now? I said I planned to call the Child Protective Services after my meeting and update them, but again..what will they do? Then to think they have to go to his place tonight through Tuesday morning...
I made it through my meeting, not saying a thing but then while in my office, I told a close friend/co-worker and she too thought I should go tell the school psycologist at my son's school...I felt like there had to be someone I should/could tell. I am glad I did...as she will hopefully meet with him when they are back in school Tuesday and after that touch base so that hopefully he'll know she is someone he can talk to at school.
As if I wasn't disturbed enough on the way home, the phone rang. It was my doctor, calling about the results from my physical on Tuesday. She had never called in the past ten years I had been going to her, so as I said, you must be calling with bad news. Sure enough, she had found abnormal cells during my pap test and I need to come back in for further testing next week. She pointed out it could be HPV, which I did not know about until after all the research I did this afternoon/evening...or worse case, the beginning stages of cervical cancer. I learned all the details online. I don't know if having all those facts out there is a good thing or not...but I didn't know what to think or do. I called my friend at work back to tell her I was glad I did see the school pyscologist and then about the phone call I just received...I told her I just don't know how much more I can take and as we are about to get off the phone, I am holding the back door open for my dogs to come back in and the larger furry guy is covered with burrs. As soon as I hung up the phone I broke down into tears. I just couldn't take anymore.
Before I knew it, there was a text from my ex, asking if I still wanted the kids part of this weekend. Well of course! An hour before they were coming home from school, but fine with me and the kids didn't seemed phased by it when they got off the bus and home to tell me about their second day. After a bit of Disney Channel tweeny shows, we decided to head to Rocky's in Madison to celebrate the first day of school, since I had a Preschool Orientation I had to attend last night. While playing the games, yup it's one of those Rocky's, I hit the jackpot and over 100 tickets came out. My daughter, nearby heard the game making all kinds of sounds, came over and started cheering for me. Well, something went well today. I hit the jackpot on tickets...which I of course, divided equally between both kids to pick out small inexpensive prizes. Really, the best part was getting back into the minivan and asking them if they had fun...that was awesome Mom, with a huge smile on my son's face was what I needed. We made it through today. Tomorrow, although forcasted stormy, will be spent with them.
Now, if I could only keep myself off the computer, stop reseraching what I could find out on Tuesday. It's scary what is out there and how we have no control over it.
Welcome to my life, under this hopefully soon passing cloud.
Friday, September 2, 2011
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Adrenaline
Adrenaline....that emotion that keeps your body racing, your mind pulsing, it keeps you from sitting still or saying home on a Friday night.
It was adrenaline that kept my mind racing as I drove away, the second time from my old house last night. As usually is the case lately, I drove up to my old house, to drop off my children at their Dad's, to see all windows closed, blinds shut and the garage door open to display too cars, the sign that the kids can enter through the garage. I have no clue if he ever really is...home, sober, alive...I just say goodbye as they hop out of the minivan and head into the garage, into the unlocked house. There is also a red pick-up truck tonight, idling in the third car driveway space with a man seated inside. I became even more uncomfortable as I backed up, after the latest earful this week as to what's been happening at this place. I looked at his license plate number and as I made it down the hill to the stop sign, I entered it into my cell phone notes, along with a description of the guy in it. As I looked up, I saw the wife of my ex's best friend, who lives across the street driving up the hill and waving to me with a partial smile. I continue for about two more blocks when the adrenaline kicks in. I turn around and as my heart begins beating stronger, I head back up the hill. In my mind, I think back to the meeting with the women from Child Protective Services this week, her comment that I have every right that I know I am leaving my children in a safe environment when I have to leave them at their Dad's. Right now, I was headed back to make that clear.
As the house came into site again, I first saw the truck still there and moments later the kids on their bikes, no helmets, driving around in the road. As they spotted me, they drove back into the driveway, questioning me as I unrolled my window, "Mom, what are you doing back here?!" I explained that I wanted to make sure Daddy was home before I left. I then asked if they had seen him and before too long he appeared from the garage,with a what-is-going-on look. I told him I was making sure he was home. He responded, of course I am home, I never leave the kids alone. I cut him off looking directly in his eyes, declaring, "We both know that's not true. I also don't want my children left alone with guys who have criminal records anymore. Or even around them for that matter."
What? He began the look that I was crazy and I continued on, "I know you have left the kids alone with Motorcycle G."...he interpreted, yah when I ran down to the store and back quick..."No, I am well aware he's been home alone with our son while you and our daughter spent hours at the bar. I have heard from people on the street that they are concerned about our kids here and I am too. Z. who comes here when the kids are here...who just received his fifth DWI.. (he interrupts that he only goes to his place to work on computers, never here)...then there was last Thursday when you had our kids go on a nine mile bike ride with B. who isn't even allowed to see his own four kids!"
He quickly jumped in that they weren't alone with him, that the two neighbor boys went with. I said, yes, but their mom was so concerned when she knew who they were with that she went and picked them up on the trail. He replied back, no she went because our daughter's bike pedal was broken, why, like you ever talked her her anyway. Yes, I did, I replied, I talked to her and many others on this street. I have no control over who you hang out with or what you do when you don't have our children, but when they are here, I have the right to know they are safe. "YOU spoke with her?" he began in shock, then he said, "I get it now, so that's what this is all about." I said again that there are many people on this street I am hearing from/about concerned. I then questioned my daughter if she has a bike helmet to wear if she's biking in the street. She went to go get it excitedly to show me as he jumped in with an of course she does. With that I said goodbye to my daughter (after she had her helmet on)...and my son and drove off. So filled with adrenaline, not knowing where to drive or what to do now.
As my mind was racing in all different directions, I drove home and decided I had to find the number that I had been sent via an email, to let the mother across the street from my ex's know that her name came up. But to let her know that I had only said that I had spoken to her, about the bike ride. I did call, she didn't answer, but at least I left a message, letting her know what I had said and letting her know I didn't say anything more. As I know my ex and how he will say all sorts of things to either scare her or try and get her to say more, pretending I said more. I then called my good friend, who I thought had left for a last minute getaway before school starts, but didn't know for sure. She was out of town but we did speak briefly. Which I so appreciated, as my other close friend who knows about all of this was now gone camping out of town. I couldn't keep my mind from spinning, racing, did I do something wrong, did I say something I shouldn't have...I explained to my friend what I did and her response...I am so proud of you, way to go. She said I got the message across that he can't scare me, that I am strong and don't need to hide behind Child Protective Services, that I am not putting up with any of this. She agreed that leaving the phone message was a wise idea and that reality is, there isn't anything else I can do.
She got back to her getaway and I sat down, scanning through Facebook and trying to decide what on earth am I going to do now. I can sit still, stay here...would my ex send someone after me? Would what I did make him more upset with me, he already has said he wants me dead. What more can I do. At the same time, I had in writing, via an email earlier today, that I can have the kids this Wednesday night, so I can take them to their first day of school. After two days ago saying no, that he wasn't about to do me any favors with all that I am doing to him. I'll take what I can get. Yes, that same message this morning also said that he didn't know about splitting up Labor Day Weekend, that he'd have to wait to talk to the Child Protective Services women that contacted him to find out why I am trying to take his kids away from him for good to let me know. Which I never said a word of.
What did happen Tuesday morning? The women returned, as she had spoken with each of my children individually and now needed to go through questions for a good hour, with me. I explained that it's not that I don't want my children to see their dad, is it that I am hearing from person after person, including police officers, that it is not safe for my children over there. I want him to get help, so that he can have a relationship with them. I don't want them to be left alone anymore for hours at a time...to spend hours on end at the local two small town bars, or to be left alone with men that I dont' know and apparently quite a few have criminal records. I don't want them to even be around my children while my children are there. I am concerned how often he is either on drugs or drunk/drinking while they are there, and based on more and more comments and details I have heard from neighbors, about the people who are stopping buy to pick things up, which apparently sounds like the drug Meth among others. This week I sadly learned that at least three know Meth users have been stopping by and then leaving frequently...not to mention others. One who pulled up, laid on the horn until he came out with something and then left. Apparently my ex has now lost his chest hair, has scabs on his arms from scratching and I was told from the person who shared this that he showing lots of detailed symptoms of Meth users.
What do you do when you should up with your kids to swim at the town pool and hear all of this, plus more? What do you do when they say they know they are not getting feed at their Dad's so they try to help out, but at the same time don't want their Dad to think that they'll always feed my kids. I just listen and ask again and again to please REPORT this behavior, the people stopping, the other things I was hearing. I gave the card from Child Services, I gave my cell and said the next time the kids are home alone, PLEASE just call me and I can get them. She took it but didnt' know. She said she thinks the police are waiting until they can catch him in the act of selling or something. I just wish she and the others would report something, anything!
At least I know they will have dinner, a good night's sleep (or as good as they can get the night before a new school year) and a healthy breakfast on their first day of school now. I'll take anything I can get at this point.
As for the rest of my life. I don't know what on earth happened to the new guy in my life. Everything was fine Monday night, Tuesday night we texted and he was saying how much he was stressed about the next three days of inventory at his job and was looking forward to seeing me this weekend. Then, Wednesday, Thursday and today...not a word, not a text, not a call. I don't know what happened or what to think. I spoke with my sister this evening and said it just doesn't make any sense. I am hoping to know more soon. He has movies here he brought over, a favorite sweatshirt I had worn home...I am just waiting on that one, with literally no clue what the rest of my weekend will bring.
It was adrenaline that kept my mind racing as I drove away, the second time from my old house last night. As usually is the case lately, I drove up to my old house, to drop off my children at their Dad's, to see all windows closed, blinds shut and the garage door open to display too cars, the sign that the kids can enter through the garage. I have no clue if he ever really is...home, sober, alive...I just say goodbye as they hop out of the minivan and head into the garage, into the unlocked house. There is also a red pick-up truck tonight, idling in the third car driveway space with a man seated inside. I became even more uncomfortable as I backed up, after the latest earful this week as to what's been happening at this place. I looked at his license plate number and as I made it down the hill to the stop sign, I entered it into my cell phone notes, along with a description of the guy in it. As I looked up, I saw the wife of my ex's best friend, who lives across the street driving up the hill and waving to me with a partial smile. I continue for about two more blocks when the adrenaline kicks in. I turn around and as my heart begins beating stronger, I head back up the hill. In my mind, I think back to the meeting with the women from Child Protective Services this week, her comment that I have every right that I know I am leaving my children in a safe environment when I have to leave them at their Dad's. Right now, I was headed back to make that clear.
As the house came into site again, I first saw the truck still there and moments later the kids on their bikes, no helmets, driving around in the road. As they spotted me, they drove back into the driveway, questioning me as I unrolled my window, "Mom, what are you doing back here?!" I explained that I wanted to make sure Daddy was home before I left. I then asked if they had seen him and before too long he appeared from the garage,with a what-is-going-on look. I told him I was making sure he was home. He responded, of course I am home, I never leave the kids alone. I cut him off looking directly in his eyes, declaring, "We both know that's not true. I also don't want my children left alone with guys who have criminal records anymore. Or even around them for that matter."
What? He began the look that I was crazy and I continued on, "I know you have left the kids alone with Motorcycle G."...he interpreted, yah when I ran down to the store and back quick..."No, I am well aware he's been home alone with our son while you and our daughter spent hours at the bar. I have heard from people on the street that they are concerned about our kids here and I am too. Z. who comes here when the kids are here...who just received his fifth DWI.. (he interrupts that he only goes to his place to work on computers, never here)...then there was last Thursday when you had our kids go on a nine mile bike ride with B. who isn't even allowed to see his own four kids!"
He quickly jumped in that they weren't alone with him, that the two neighbor boys went with. I said, yes, but their mom was so concerned when she knew who they were with that she went and picked them up on the trail. He replied back, no she went because our daughter's bike pedal was broken, why, like you ever talked her her anyway. Yes, I did, I replied, I talked to her and many others on this street. I have no control over who you hang out with or what you do when you don't have our children, but when they are here, I have the right to know they are safe. "YOU spoke with her?" he began in shock, then he said, "I get it now, so that's what this is all about." I said again that there are many people on this street I am hearing from/about concerned. I then questioned my daughter if she has a bike helmet to wear if she's biking in the street. She went to go get it excitedly to show me as he jumped in with an of course she does. With that I said goodbye to my daughter (after she had her helmet on)...and my son and drove off. So filled with adrenaline, not knowing where to drive or what to do now.
As my mind was racing in all different directions, I drove home and decided I had to find the number that I had been sent via an email, to let the mother across the street from my ex's know that her name came up. But to let her know that I had only said that I had spoken to her, about the bike ride. I did call, she didn't answer, but at least I left a message, letting her know what I had said and letting her know I didn't say anything more. As I know my ex and how he will say all sorts of things to either scare her or try and get her to say more, pretending I said more. I then called my good friend, who I thought had left for a last minute getaway before school starts, but didn't know for sure. She was out of town but we did speak briefly. Which I so appreciated, as my other close friend who knows about all of this was now gone camping out of town. I couldn't keep my mind from spinning, racing, did I do something wrong, did I say something I shouldn't have...I explained to my friend what I did and her response...I am so proud of you, way to go. She said I got the message across that he can't scare me, that I am strong and don't need to hide behind Child Protective Services, that I am not putting up with any of this. She agreed that leaving the phone message was a wise idea and that reality is, there isn't anything else I can do.
She got back to her getaway and I sat down, scanning through Facebook and trying to decide what on earth am I going to do now. I can sit still, stay here...would my ex send someone after me? Would what I did make him more upset with me, he already has said he wants me dead. What more can I do. At the same time, I had in writing, via an email earlier today, that I can have the kids this Wednesday night, so I can take them to their first day of school. After two days ago saying no, that he wasn't about to do me any favors with all that I am doing to him. I'll take what I can get. Yes, that same message this morning also said that he didn't know about splitting up Labor Day Weekend, that he'd have to wait to talk to the Child Protective Services women that contacted him to find out why I am trying to take his kids away from him for good to let me know. Which I never said a word of.
What did happen Tuesday morning? The women returned, as she had spoken with each of my children individually and now needed to go through questions for a good hour, with me. I explained that it's not that I don't want my children to see their dad, is it that I am hearing from person after person, including police officers, that it is not safe for my children over there. I want him to get help, so that he can have a relationship with them. I don't want them to be left alone anymore for hours at a time...to spend hours on end at the local two small town bars, or to be left alone with men that I dont' know and apparently quite a few have criminal records. I don't want them to even be around my children while my children are there. I am concerned how often he is either on drugs or drunk/drinking while they are there, and based on more and more comments and details I have heard from neighbors, about the people who are stopping buy to pick things up, which apparently sounds like the drug Meth among others. This week I sadly learned that at least three know Meth users have been stopping by and then leaving frequently...not to mention others. One who pulled up, laid on the horn until he came out with something and then left. Apparently my ex has now lost his chest hair, has scabs on his arms from scratching and I was told from the person who shared this that he showing lots of detailed symptoms of Meth users.
What do you do when you should up with your kids to swim at the town pool and hear all of this, plus more? What do you do when they say they know they are not getting feed at their Dad's so they try to help out, but at the same time don't want their Dad to think that they'll always feed my kids. I just listen and ask again and again to please REPORT this behavior, the people stopping, the other things I was hearing. I gave the card from Child Services, I gave my cell and said the next time the kids are home alone, PLEASE just call me and I can get them. She took it but didnt' know. She said she thinks the police are waiting until they can catch him in the act of selling or something. I just wish she and the others would report something, anything!
At least I know they will have dinner, a good night's sleep (or as good as they can get the night before a new school year) and a healthy breakfast on their first day of school now. I'll take anything I can get at this point.
As for the rest of my life. I don't know what on earth happened to the new guy in my life. Everything was fine Monday night, Tuesday night we texted and he was saying how much he was stressed about the next three days of inventory at his job and was looking forward to seeing me this weekend. Then, Wednesday, Thursday and today...not a word, not a text, not a call. I don't know what happened or what to think. I spoke with my sister this evening and said it just doesn't make any sense. I am hoping to know more soon. He has movies here he brought over, a favorite sweatshirt I had worn home...I am just waiting on that one, with literally no clue what the rest of my weekend will bring.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Transitions
The calendar says one more full week of summer vacation for the kids and I. Then it's back to school, to work, to a routine. I love routines, I just don't like that time between now and then...that time called a transition.
I have read a few friend's Facebook postings, saying how they can't wait...that they are counting the days until school begins again. In some ways I understand. It will be nice to begin a new school year, a new schedule...to know what each weekday has in store for us. Fall is my favorite season, with the beautiful autumn leaves, apple picking, pumpkin patches and all the other fun that comes with it. It's also a time to reflect on the end of a season, that summer is almost gone...and when it comes to me, that means to analyze all that it brought, good and bad.
I am not sure if it's genetic or if it's a female trait, to reflect and study life in all it's patterns and phases. I try to do this in order to take a lesson or lessons from it that I have learned in order to life a little wiser as the next season approaches. Sadly, I also tend to put myself down for not accomplishing things I wish I would have and to set new goals for the season ahead.
As parents tend to do, I believe, they look at the new school year in disbelief, that their child/children are already going into the grade they are. Where does the time go? Why do they have to grow up so fast? I am doing all I can to love, nurture, protect, help them learn and grow as individuals? Sometimes I just feel like such a failure. I suppose everyone has those days. I can't provide that home life that I wish I could. With a mother and father to sit down to dinner with them and talk about their day. To go out and do fun family adventures on the weekends. I do the best I can, which will have to do...but I still feel that I am letting them down, that they are missing out. I suppose I should also keep in perspective, they are also missing out on having to hear parents fight or argue...or worse. Fortunately, they were too young, or at least my son was, to ever remember any of that in our family. I suppose I can be grateful for that.
I also am looking back on this summer and am still upset with myself for allowing a man that I dated to get involved in our lives. One friend recently pointed out a close friend of hers who also was a single mom, waited until her kids had went through school before she began dating. I just don't personally want to put my life on hold for that many years. Plus, the weekends when I don't have my children, if I have the opportunity to spend time with a male friend, I don't see why I should ban myself from doing so. Other friends suggest that there is nothing wrong with dating while you are a single mom, just keep the kids out of it...well, it wasn't that direct or blunt, but rather wait until you've been dating for quite a while and are really sure about things before introducing the kids to anyone else in your life. Here is where I find the challenge. As my children, my daughter especially, is extremely smart and perceptive. She knows when I am dating someone, as she can tell when I am dressing up for a Wednesday night date...or sees left overs in the fridge from a restaurant, or can tell when I get more texts on my phone than I usually do. She knew quite quickly, that I met a new friend over the past two weeks. I am not going to lie to her and spoke honestly to her, that I do have a new friend. When she found out he had a daughter last night and was upset because I won't let the kids meet yet, I was honest with her. I reminded her that I allowed her to get to know the two children earlier this summer and then their dad and I decided not to keep dating right now in life. I felt awful that she had to stop seeing the kids and as her mom, I want to protect her from getting her feelings hurt again if I can. I told her I dont' know what will happen and maybe someday they will meet, but it's too soon for them to meet right now.
I was proud of myself last night, as much as I know my daughter felt letdown. Today though, I did allow the kids to meet him, just as a friend of mom's, who came with us to play at Devil's Lake with them. Afterwards he and my son played Wii for a little bit and he headed home. There was no kissing, hand holding or anything that would "lead my daughter on" to think that we were getting married as she does anytime she thinks of me dating. But yet tonight, I am beating myself up over having them meet. It went well and now they at least know who my friend is when I refer to him, yet I feel like I have done something wrong having them meet so soon. There is not a rule book out there for dating when you are a single mom, sometimes you almost wish there was. I stuck with what I said and there are still no kids involved and just because they met today, doesn't mean they have to spend every free evening he has with us. But I still feel guilty. I go back to my ex-finance and feel awful that I had so many memories with him and the kids. But part of knowing if a guy is one you'd want to spend your life with is seeing how he relates, interacts and such with your kids, right? I am not planning on marring the new guy I just met, I am quite frankly quite scared at the idea of marriage right now. Yet, I do enjoy having a companion to talk to, spend time with, share our ups and downs. That isn't a bad thing...right?
I know I worry too much, over reflect or analyze things too often, but when it involves my children, I feel like it's the right thing to do. To make sure I am looking out for their best interests, for their well begin, while still trying to move forward in my life. I appreciated one friend's perspective on dating while you are a single mom, when she pointed out it's a good lesson for my children, to see that Mom does date and that yes, a part of dating sometimes means that things have to end, but to know Mom is okay and that it doesn't change a thing about the relationship Mom and the children have. Sometime people come in and out of our lives, but we move on and make the best of life. Chances are my daughter or son won't marry the first person they believe to have fallen in love with...I wish I wouldn't have when I look back at the big picture. Knowing that part of life is meeting new people and hopefully one will be with you for long run, yet learning from all those friendships you make along the way. If I can set an example that I am a strong, confident (other than some evenings when they are asleep) Mom that can make it on her own., that loves and care for her children, makes a living teaching and helping others, serving God and trying to make the world a better place. A Mom that cherishes her friendships and family, and tries to stay optimistic on life. That sometimes friendships don't work out, but life continues on. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with us as a person, it just wasn't what was meant to be. I hope in the big picture, in the long run, they are able to see this. I know I have told others, that part of the reason why I would like to have a male friend involved in their lives while they are still the age they are, is to give them a positive, loving, caring male role model. My parents were not perfect, no parents are...but I do wish I could provide for them what at this point I can't. A home with a mother and father or bonus father for that matter some day. I am not trying to race out there and find a man...but I am looking at options instead of refusing to open new doors. I am trying to take things slower this time, for my kids sake, but even if today wasn't the right choice, which I still don't know, it wasn't the worse choice I could have made. So they met one of mom's friends. It was done appropriately and they all had a great day. I guess I can't keep beating myself up over that. Well, obviously I can, but it wont' do me any good.
As the next week and a half will be a challenge for the kids to transition back to school, I have to remind myself it is a good thing. With a new season, it will also bring new positive memories, new friends and new relationships for all of us. None of which are a bad thing.
I have made it through a rough couple of weeks emotionally and I suppose I need to cut myself some slack. It's hard to keep an upbeat, everything okays and life is good attitude for my kids during the summer, while I was also dealing with challenging news from past neighbors, police and more. I don't see anything else I can do right now to help with that situation, other than not to let that stress ruin the time I have with my children. I have spoken with and will continue to keep Child Protective Services informed, but past that, sadly, there really is not much I can do. It's just as life was in the fall of 2007 when my divorce began. I have to keep my head up and focus on the blessing I have. Know that God has good things in store for me, once I make it through the stormy patches in life.
Okay, enough rambling for this evening. The tears have now dried up, I have convinced myself I don't yet qualify for the worst mother award and will try again tomorrow. I have to remind myself I don't have to make each day a special event when I do have my kids. Just spending time together is all they truly care about. Even if the calendar of summer is winding down, they have, we have had a fun filled summer and there is no need to pack in the last week or so with extra plans. Less running and more relaxing is probably what we all need right now.
Thanks for listening/reading.
I have read a few friend's Facebook postings, saying how they can't wait...that they are counting the days until school begins again. In some ways I understand. It will be nice to begin a new school year, a new schedule...to know what each weekday has in store for us. Fall is my favorite season, with the beautiful autumn leaves, apple picking, pumpkin patches and all the other fun that comes with it. It's also a time to reflect on the end of a season, that summer is almost gone...and when it comes to me, that means to analyze all that it brought, good and bad.
I am not sure if it's genetic or if it's a female trait, to reflect and study life in all it's patterns and phases. I try to do this in order to take a lesson or lessons from it that I have learned in order to life a little wiser as the next season approaches. Sadly, I also tend to put myself down for not accomplishing things I wish I would have and to set new goals for the season ahead.
As parents tend to do, I believe, they look at the new school year in disbelief, that their child/children are already going into the grade they are. Where does the time go? Why do they have to grow up so fast? I am doing all I can to love, nurture, protect, help them learn and grow as individuals? Sometimes I just feel like such a failure. I suppose everyone has those days. I can't provide that home life that I wish I could. With a mother and father to sit down to dinner with them and talk about their day. To go out and do fun family adventures on the weekends. I do the best I can, which will have to do...but I still feel that I am letting them down, that they are missing out. I suppose I should also keep in perspective, they are also missing out on having to hear parents fight or argue...or worse. Fortunately, they were too young, or at least my son was, to ever remember any of that in our family. I suppose I can be grateful for that.
I also am looking back on this summer and am still upset with myself for allowing a man that I dated to get involved in our lives. One friend recently pointed out a close friend of hers who also was a single mom, waited until her kids had went through school before she began dating. I just don't personally want to put my life on hold for that many years. Plus, the weekends when I don't have my children, if I have the opportunity to spend time with a male friend, I don't see why I should ban myself from doing so. Other friends suggest that there is nothing wrong with dating while you are a single mom, just keep the kids out of it...well, it wasn't that direct or blunt, but rather wait until you've been dating for quite a while and are really sure about things before introducing the kids to anyone else in your life. Here is where I find the challenge. As my children, my daughter especially, is extremely smart and perceptive. She knows when I am dating someone, as she can tell when I am dressing up for a Wednesday night date...or sees left overs in the fridge from a restaurant, or can tell when I get more texts on my phone than I usually do. She knew quite quickly, that I met a new friend over the past two weeks. I am not going to lie to her and spoke honestly to her, that I do have a new friend. When she found out he had a daughter last night and was upset because I won't let the kids meet yet, I was honest with her. I reminded her that I allowed her to get to know the two children earlier this summer and then their dad and I decided not to keep dating right now in life. I felt awful that she had to stop seeing the kids and as her mom, I want to protect her from getting her feelings hurt again if I can. I told her I dont' know what will happen and maybe someday they will meet, but it's too soon for them to meet right now.
I was proud of myself last night, as much as I know my daughter felt letdown. Today though, I did allow the kids to meet him, just as a friend of mom's, who came with us to play at Devil's Lake with them. Afterwards he and my son played Wii for a little bit and he headed home. There was no kissing, hand holding or anything that would "lead my daughter on" to think that we were getting married as she does anytime she thinks of me dating. But yet tonight, I am beating myself up over having them meet. It went well and now they at least know who my friend is when I refer to him, yet I feel like I have done something wrong having them meet so soon. There is not a rule book out there for dating when you are a single mom, sometimes you almost wish there was. I stuck with what I said and there are still no kids involved and just because they met today, doesn't mean they have to spend every free evening he has with us. But I still feel guilty. I go back to my ex-finance and feel awful that I had so many memories with him and the kids. But part of knowing if a guy is one you'd want to spend your life with is seeing how he relates, interacts and such with your kids, right? I am not planning on marring the new guy I just met, I am quite frankly quite scared at the idea of marriage right now. Yet, I do enjoy having a companion to talk to, spend time with, share our ups and downs. That isn't a bad thing...right?
I know I worry too much, over reflect or analyze things too often, but when it involves my children, I feel like it's the right thing to do. To make sure I am looking out for their best interests, for their well begin, while still trying to move forward in my life. I appreciated one friend's perspective on dating while you are a single mom, when she pointed out it's a good lesson for my children, to see that Mom does date and that yes, a part of dating sometimes means that things have to end, but to know Mom is okay and that it doesn't change a thing about the relationship Mom and the children have. Sometime people come in and out of our lives, but we move on and make the best of life. Chances are my daughter or son won't marry the first person they believe to have fallen in love with...I wish I wouldn't have when I look back at the big picture. Knowing that part of life is meeting new people and hopefully one will be with you for long run, yet learning from all those friendships you make along the way. If I can set an example that I am a strong, confident (other than some evenings when they are asleep) Mom that can make it on her own., that loves and care for her children, makes a living teaching and helping others, serving God and trying to make the world a better place. A Mom that cherishes her friendships and family, and tries to stay optimistic on life. That sometimes friendships don't work out, but life continues on. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with us as a person, it just wasn't what was meant to be. I hope in the big picture, in the long run, they are able to see this. I know I have told others, that part of the reason why I would like to have a male friend involved in their lives while they are still the age they are, is to give them a positive, loving, caring male role model. My parents were not perfect, no parents are...but I do wish I could provide for them what at this point I can't. A home with a mother and father or bonus father for that matter some day. I am not trying to race out there and find a man...but I am looking at options instead of refusing to open new doors. I am trying to take things slower this time, for my kids sake, but even if today wasn't the right choice, which I still don't know, it wasn't the worse choice I could have made. So they met one of mom's friends. It was done appropriately and they all had a great day. I guess I can't keep beating myself up over that. Well, obviously I can, but it wont' do me any good.
As the next week and a half will be a challenge for the kids to transition back to school, I have to remind myself it is a good thing. With a new season, it will also bring new positive memories, new friends and new relationships for all of us. None of which are a bad thing.
I have made it through a rough couple of weeks emotionally and I suppose I need to cut myself some slack. It's hard to keep an upbeat, everything okays and life is good attitude for my kids during the summer, while I was also dealing with challenging news from past neighbors, police and more. I don't see anything else I can do right now to help with that situation, other than not to let that stress ruin the time I have with my children. I have spoken with and will continue to keep Child Protective Services informed, but past that, sadly, there really is not much I can do. It's just as life was in the fall of 2007 when my divorce began. I have to keep my head up and focus on the blessing I have. Know that God has good things in store for me, once I make it through the stormy patches in life.
Okay, enough rambling for this evening. The tears have now dried up, I have convinced myself I don't yet qualify for the worst mother award and will try again tomorrow. I have to remind myself I don't have to make each day a special event when I do have my kids. Just spending time together is all they truly care about. Even if the calendar of summer is winding down, they have, we have had a fun filled summer and there is no need to pack in the last week or so with extra plans. Less running and more relaxing is probably what we all need right now.
Thanks for listening/reading.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
NOW can I call Lifetime Movies????
It's another sunny Sunday afternoon, I am seated at my favorite table in front of the big picture window at Sjlond's again. I look out at the blue sky, barely a cloud in sight, as I don't even know where to begin. Life is never easy, or if it is, it doesn't stay that way for very long does it.
After dropping off my kids at their Dad's place on Friday evening, followed by finding out even more disheartening news from another former neighbor, I finally entered my quite house, dropped my purse on the kitchen counter leaned back against it and took a deep breath. I felt the weight of my stress as I leaned over about ready to start crying. Instead, I reached inside my purse and pulled out my phone, as I was already late in getting back to my new friend who was waiting for me to call. When I dialed his number, I was about ready to just tell him, I can't go out tonight, I need to just stay home and cry, but it didn't sound like the right thing to say, it wasn't him, I just felt to physically and emotionally exhausted. He answered the phone and after talking briefly, he said he be there soon. I changed clothes, trying to put on some fresh make-up, but looking into the mirror, I realized makeup couldn't cover up the stress that showed on my face.
The next thing I knew, I was putting on my necklace, peaking out the front window and saw him walking up my front sidewalk, with a beautiful bouquet of long-stem roses in his hand. I went to open the front door and was about to just melt. "I knew you were going to be having a rough day, with court and all this morning, so I stopped in and ordered you roses." I couldn't say a thing and didn't want to start crying so I just hugged him. They are just beautiful, I told him and did manage to smile. We headed to the kitchen to put them in fresh water as he explained about going in before work to pick them out. He said the women who led him back to the cooler asked him what kind of flowers would you like and he said, roses. She continued to ask him what color, asking him if he knew that different colored roses have different meanings. He then asked me if I knew this...I told him I had heard this but didn't know if I knew all of the meanings. So he said just give her some of each! Apparently she gave him quite the smile. As I was listening, I thought, I am sure glad I didn't call and cancel our plans/second date.
Since it was too late at this point to catch the early movie, we decided we'd go out for Friday night fish first. This was also a great idea, as I realized between all the business and stress of the day, I hadn't really had much to eat and could be part of my lack of energy. We then went to the late showing of Crazy, Stupid, Love...which was entertaining and a good idea, as it did get my mind off of my current life. Until, one of the later scenes in the movie, where the youngest daughter was sitting curled up on the doorstep crying as the family was fighting in the yard. It was at that moment that my mind took me to an image of my own daughter crying and my mind was back on my daughter and son, fearing for their safety over the weekend. How could I have dropped them off there for the weekend, knowing all I had learned over the past week? I didn't have a choice, I suppose, that's why. Child Services have been called, the local sheriff's know to have extra patrols watching the house for the weekend and I have also learned all of my former neighbors on my old court are so concerned and watching out for my children as well as they can. I have friends as well as my own prayers for their safety, so I guess the rest is in God's hands.
So I tried to enjoy the rest of the movie, but he could see my sadness as we were beginning to drive home. I commented on all the stars out and he said, yeah, now all we need are some fireworks! I burst out laughing instead of crying, as he was going on about how we could sit out under the stars and watch fireworks and that could help cheer me up...then saying he thought his Dad might still have some. His humor, company and caring was just what I needed to keep my mind busy over the rest of the weekend. He showed me a tour of where he worked on Saturday, we ran some errands and then enjoyed the first Packer pre-season game at his place with his two brothers. During half time of the game, they had an add for the new Packer Ice Cream, which he and I said sounded great right about now, so he looked at me and said, ok, I'll go get it! I said I was just kidding, but nope...he went, leaving the start of the second half of the game to get me ice cream. I did join him, and went to discover they didn't yet sell it at our local store...but he had me pick out any other kind I'd like. He is a sweet guy. The first to ever show up with roses at my front doorstep...on a day I truly needed it most.
How does the saying go? Ignorance is bliss? I can sure testify to that. It is very challenging to be a mother who hears how awful things are becoming for her kids while they are in their father's custody, yet have no control over it. A little over a week ago, I went into our local police station, concerned about the harassing texts I was still receiving from my ex-husband, wondering if they were enough to go back to get another restraining order against him, as my first one ended last summer. I also wanted to share my concerns about the children being left alone and the well, rough-looking guys who have been either at or staying over at my ex's place when my kids are there.
Little did I know how bad things had really become over there. It was then I discovered my old house was already under the watch of police for other reasons. Apparently those men I was a bit concerned about have quite the police history. I also learned they already have received complaints from others that my children were spending too long/too much time at the local bars in their town. After listening for about an hour, it was time I had to go pick up my kids with a sick feeling in my stomach.
As I drove up to my old house, my first site was my ex, holding up a video camera, pointed at me, along with some type of recording device he appeared to be talking into. Next, my son came out and my daughter came running out behind, crying, no balling and hugging her doll tightly. I hand a difficult time understanding her as she sobbed, saying that Daddy said you called the police and they are coming to hurt him, to take him to jail and that we are never going to see him again...we are never going to get to see Daddy, or our house or our toys, ever, every again Mommmy!!!!! I tried to get her to first buckle up safely to I could begin driving away and then continued explaining to her that I had not calling the police on Daddy and that even if I had, they don't just take people away and they don't hurt them. I continued, telling her they will only take someone to jail if they broke a law, a rule again, that he is going to be okay.
We were back in town and going down Main Street, when she was starting to catch her breath, just as a sheriff went racing by with his sirens on and lights flashing...that did her in. He's going to get him Mommy!!!! It was then I turned off the main road to the police station and pulled in a parking space and turned around to talk to her and my son. I asked them if we could please go inside and have an officer explain that they are not going to get Daddy, that they don't just arrest people for no reason and that it's going to be okay. She screamed even louder at this, as her father has them both quite afraid of police, as in his eyes, they are the enemy. So we pulled out and I called my friend to see if we could stop over. My daughter said she would calm down if we stopped over at her friends house for a little while and honestly, I wanted her mom, my friend, to see the state she was in. Just as we got about a block and a half away, a police officer was putting his siren on to pull us over. The tears began again from the back and I now was getting a bit shaky myself. He came over and asked if everything was okay, as he saw us parked in front of the station and had left...as I explained what happened and the loud crying was being heard from the back, he asked if we could please follow him back to the station as he needed me to give a statement.
At this point my heart started racing, wondering why had my ex called the police? As we pulled back into the parking lot and got out of the vehicle, the women officer Allie knew from visits from school was already outside and walking towards us. Allie ran to her with her doll and they went inside to talk. The male officer was outside the station with a male and female sheriff. My son had asked if he could bring in his DS that he was using trying ignore all that was happening in the minivan and I told him of course he could. So as we approached the officers, the sheriff said he had some questions for me as the female sheriff went over to try and talk to my son/keeping him company.
I can't remember if I started my nervous rambling, explaining that I didn't mean to pick up my kids early, but he had texted me, asking me too, I have the texts to prove it...or if it was just racing through my mind not sure why else the sheriff would be there. It was then he told me I wasn't in trouble, but rather he want to know what type of relationship I have with a women named ******. I told him honestly, not too much of one, then continuing that she was dating and now is married to the my ex's best friend who lives across the street from my old house. I continued saying that it was her best friend that she introduced to my ex while we were still married who he had cheated on me with. He then explained that he had received a call from her saying that she felt my life was in danger, due to comments my ex was making. He said he was racing out to stop me from going out to pick up my kids, but then discovered I had already got them. He suggested that my son and I go inside/stay at the station while he makes a few more calls to get details and goes to arrest him, or something to that nature. So inside the side door of the station we went. Walking past my daughter, still chatting in an office and appearing to be doing much better as she waved at us. As we entered the main tables/area and had a seat, I was taken back to three years ago when I was in a very similar situation, in the same seat, just without my kids.
The female sheriff began asking my son some question able school, his age, etc as the police officer began asking me some basic question for a report. Before long, my daughter joined us. The male officer, knowing from the past how scared they were of the station, suggested he gave the kids a tour, as he does for Girl and Boy Scout Troops. This was a hit and made the time go a little faster, as I was beginning to feel quite shaky and sick. Before long, the male sheriff returned and needed to speak to me alone, but the kids were comfortable enough at this point to check out the garage and tour the cars without me.
The male sheriff explained to me he spoke with the women who had called and her husband had been receiving some very disturbing texts from my ex and he told her to stay inside the house with her kids and not to go near my ex. Hearing this and knowing that my kids were still with their father, she called in scared for my own safety. After getting her report, he then called her husband and spoke to him at work. He explained to the officers that his drinking has intensified again and that he was getting into drugs and apparently received a text saying that if I were to show up with the police, that it was going to be World War Three out there. The sheriff explained, as upsetting and disturbing as this is, it is not a direct threat on your life and so I can't actually arrest him at this point. He continued on suggesting I go and get a new restraining order, as the police earlier in that had already suggested based on my texts, and continued on about safety precautions to take. Saying that sadly, smart people who break or try to break the law are a little more difficult to catch but don't give up.
So, having no other choice, we left the station and headed over to our friends home, both so our kids could play and I could update/vent to my good friend. He response this time was, "NOW can I call Lifetime Television Network and so they can begin filming the movie of your life!"
The next day, my parents watched my children so that I could go speak with my pastor as well as go to the court house and get a temporary restraining order/court date. Following this, I was able to return back to a somewhat normal life for the weekend, until Tuesday when I received a text from my ex, mentioning about dropping off the kids at my place Thursday morning. I began wondering if he had not yet been served the restraining order papers or if, as he often does, was just ignoring them. It turned out to be the ignoring them, as Thursday morning when I was waiting at the police station parking lot, where we use to exchange the kids as well as where the police told me to go back to exchanging them for now. As I was waiting, they were late, the female officer in town had stepped outside and came up to my vehicle, asking how I was holding up. I explained that I was a little nervous if he was served, to which she told me, oh yes and the neighbor is actually inside the station right now, quite upset as my ex has been filling her head with all sorts of disturbing things, scaring her now. She said she was wanting a copy of the police report from last week and that they were having her exit a back door so that he would not know she was there when he dropped off the kids.
Upon hearing this, when the kids were back and we received the door knobs my parents had mailed to our house, that the kids wanted to take over and deliver to Grandma and Grandpa's new place, I asked my parents if I could leave the kids there a few minutes so I could stop down to the station to get a copy of the report as well, as I had to go to court the next morning. It was as I was going into the station, that my former neighbor was again coming out. As she saw me, she asked me if we could please talk for a few minutes. I said of course and then it began. She explained how my ex said it was because of them that we were going to court and getting all upset, drilling them for details and wanting them to testify in the morning. I explained it was actually due to the texts he keeps sending but that her call did help too. She continued to say how frightened she is of him, how worried she is for my kids...explaining about how he is into cocaine and heroine now, not to mention how bad his drinking is getting...and the men that he is having the kids stay home with...the one guy has a criminal record for battery! That another just received his fifth DWI less than two weeks ago...and how she is so frightened as to what could happen to my daughter. Not to mention how often they are being left alone and how she is still lying and covering for her Dad...going into details about all of this and how he racistly puts down her own two boys. She said crying at one point, that she so wishes he would just move to another state, that he is terrified of what he might do. She continued asking if his family has a history of schizophrenia, as his behaviors seem so much worse than bi-polar. It was when she said that she is all for kids having time with both parents, being able to see their Dad, but in this case, it's just not safe anymore Lisa. Can't you call child services or can't the police do something to help them....that is what hit a nerve with me.
As she had already explained the report was not finished yet and that they were leaving town for the weekend, I went inside and asked if I could get the phone number for Child Protective Services. I own my way to pick up my kids from my parents, I called my good friend again, updating her on the latest scary news and she said come over here and call them right now. Which we did. She kept the kids all outside so my kids wouldn't know what I was doing, as I explained all I knew to a women on the phone. She explained that she would type up all of this information and pass it on to her boss and from there they would look into opening a case. It was all I could do at that point.
Friday morning came, and as my children sadly knew, from comments their Dad had told them, yes Mommy was heading to court. I was there early and was the first to check in, as I knew the process from the past. They schedule multiple hearing at the same time and go in order as they appear. Unfortunately, my ex didn't come until almost a half hour late, so I got to sit and listen to other cases from 8:30 until after 12. Finally it was our turn. We were sworn in and I took the stand. Handing over photographs I had taken from texts as well as giving her the phone to read a few more. Ask my judge tried, asking me further questions as to what type of threats I was receiving, it became clearer to me that I was not going to be receiving a restraining order that day. She explained that can't use information from the case last Thursday, as it's hearsay until the actual report is printed and as upsetting and inappropriate the texts are, that they are not severe until to issue a restraining order. She asked if I had tried family court, as it sounds like he is in contempt for his behavior and actions and suggested we go that route. The judge made her ruling, left the chambers and then me ex got my chuckling, laughing, whistling proudly as he left the court room. The sheriff/bailiff, had asked me to wait, annoyed obviously, as the judge was as his snide remarks while I was testifying as well. He said he could escort me down to the window on the second floor where I can get the paperwork to file contempt of court and begin that process, which I did before leaving the courthouse.
I knew, as I left, that he already had broken two of three of the rules, such as not paying part of my child support by the 25th of July and I had photographed a check to prove it. It states in our MSA that if he goes past that grace period, as we guessed before long he would, that I have the right to obtain a lawyer and have it written up as a direct deposit instead and that he would have to pay the lawyer fees. Apparently it's time to take that action, along with others.
On the way back to my parents, I stopped off at the police station, letting them know the order did not pass, and they were in shock, stating that he was indeed harassing me...I explained that I knew that, but apparently the judge wanted more, actual danger/threats on my life. As I told them the kids were going with their Dad this weekend and I was a bit concerned, as they were too, they said the police in that small town he lives in is not on call over this weekend, but to called the non-emergency sheriff's number, which I did, to have extra patrol out their this weekend. They also let me know that they did receive a call from Child Protective Services and spoke with them yesterday as well. Asking a few more questions about that, they explained that it can take 2-5 days to get a case going and didn't know when they'd be contacting him or me. I left, picked up my kids and spent the last couple hours a bit drained, with them until I had to drop them off at their Dad's.
As always, the garage door was open, showing his two vehicles were there, so the kids went in the house through the garage door and that was it. I drove off, thinking there must me more I can do. It was then that I recalled something else my former neighbor had shared with my yesterday. She said that two of my other neighbors has recently contacted the police scared for the kids safety as well. I knew one of the two, and knew where she worked it town, so I got up my courage to drive past and see if she was in. Sure enough she was outside having a cigarette break. She gave me a big hug, "OH LISA!!!!" as I approached, seemed so glad to see me. I explained I was very concerned about the things I had been learning about my ex's place. I told her how her name was brought up in having had called the police and she took the conversation from there. She said she said the police women from my town, spoke with her and she said that house is out of her jurisdiction, but to please report it to their part time police. Apparently the other women tried leaving a message with this man but he never called back. It was then that she went into detail, as she is a bit older and know everyone on the court, street and most of that small town...saying how everyone up there is so concerned about the kids. That she can't believe he really thinks that the rest of the neighbors don't know what is going on in there?! We see the guys that are coming and going, the behaviors that are going on, his frequent trip to and from the bar. A women down the street said to her the other day, I see you know have a drug house up by you now...referring to my old place. She continued saying how it's just not safe for the kids to be there and was saying how often they are left alone for hours and hours. How the one man he's leaving the kids, my son, home alone with has a criminal record, including battery and assault! How he can do that to those poor kids.
MY poor kids she was going on and on about. I didn't know what to say, but that sinking feeling my stomach was getting worse and worse by the minute. I asked her if she could PLEASE, PLEASE call the Child Services, as I couldn't give them any first hand accounts and it was pretty much hearsay coming from me, but if she and any, ALL of the neighbors could please call and get reports, it could help the kids so much. I explained to her as I had to the other women from my old neighborhood, it's not that I dont' want them to see their father, I do, but not like this and not when it's putting their life on the line. The other neighbor said, when I said he needs help, she said he needs a lot more then just help...inpatient treatment for quite a while!!!
Regardless. It's now Sunday night. I am continuing to pray that the neighborhood up their makes calls to Child Protective Services. That my kids make it home safely tomorrow. I am prepared to call the attorney my former Guardian at Litem suggested when I called her for advice...and schedule a meeting as soon as possible. I know it also said in our Marriage Settlement Agreement that my ex was to go to Anger Management Classes, AA and so on, none of which I can imagine he has done.
Sadly, this entry is not just a rosy one, although my new ones do bring me a glimpse of hope, or at least a remind that there is someone who cares. I will keep you posted my friends.
After dropping off my kids at their Dad's place on Friday evening, followed by finding out even more disheartening news from another former neighbor, I finally entered my quite house, dropped my purse on the kitchen counter leaned back against it and took a deep breath. I felt the weight of my stress as I leaned over about ready to start crying. Instead, I reached inside my purse and pulled out my phone, as I was already late in getting back to my new friend who was waiting for me to call. When I dialed his number, I was about ready to just tell him, I can't go out tonight, I need to just stay home and cry, but it didn't sound like the right thing to say, it wasn't him, I just felt to physically and emotionally exhausted. He answered the phone and after talking briefly, he said he be there soon. I changed clothes, trying to put on some fresh make-up, but looking into the mirror, I realized makeup couldn't cover up the stress that showed on my face.
The next thing I knew, I was putting on my necklace, peaking out the front window and saw him walking up my front sidewalk, with a beautiful bouquet of long-stem roses in his hand. I went to open the front door and was about to just melt. "I knew you were going to be having a rough day, with court and all this morning, so I stopped in and ordered you roses." I couldn't say a thing and didn't want to start crying so I just hugged him. They are just beautiful, I told him and did manage to smile. We headed to the kitchen to put them in fresh water as he explained about going in before work to pick them out. He said the women who led him back to the cooler asked him what kind of flowers would you like and he said, roses. She continued to ask him what color, asking him if he knew that different colored roses have different meanings. He then asked me if I knew this...I told him I had heard this but didn't know if I knew all of the meanings. So he said just give her some of each! Apparently she gave him quite the smile. As I was listening, I thought, I am sure glad I didn't call and cancel our plans/second date.
Since it was too late at this point to catch the early movie, we decided we'd go out for Friday night fish first. This was also a great idea, as I realized between all the business and stress of the day, I hadn't really had much to eat and could be part of my lack of energy. We then went to the late showing of Crazy, Stupid, Love...which was entertaining and a good idea, as it did get my mind off of my current life. Until, one of the later scenes in the movie, where the youngest daughter was sitting curled up on the doorstep crying as the family was fighting in the yard. It was at that moment that my mind took me to an image of my own daughter crying and my mind was back on my daughter and son, fearing for their safety over the weekend. How could I have dropped them off there for the weekend, knowing all I had learned over the past week? I didn't have a choice, I suppose, that's why. Child Services have been called, the local sheriff's know to have extra patrols watching the house for the weekend and I have also learned all of my former neighbors on my old court are so concerned and watching out for my children as well as they can. I have friends as well as my own prayers for their safety, so I guess the rest is in God's hands.
So I tried to enjoy the rest of the movie, but he could see my sadness as we were beginning to drive home. I commented on all the stars out and he said, yeah, now all we need are some fireworks! I burst out laughing instead of crying, as he was going on about how we could sit out under the stars and watch fireworks and that could help cheer me up...then saying he thought his Dad might still have some. His humor, company and caring was just what I needed to keep my mind busy over the rest of the weekend. He showed me a tour of where he worked on Saturday, we ran some errands and then enjoyed the first Packer pre-season game at his place with his two brothers. During half time of the game, they had an add for the new Packer Ice Cream, which he and I said sounded great right about now, so he looked at me and said, ok, I'll go get it! I said I was just kidding, but nope...he went, leaving the start of the second half of the game to get me ice cream. I did join him, and went to discover they didn't yet sell it at our local store...but he had me pick out any other kind I'd like. He is a sweet guy. The first to ever show up with roses at my front doorstep...on a day I truly needed it most.
How does the saying go? Ignorance is bliss? I can sure testify to that. It is very challenging to be a mother who hears how awful things are becoming for her kids while they are in their father's custody, yet have no control over it. A little over a week ago, I went into our local police station, concerned about the harassing texts I was still receiving from my ex-husband, wondering if they were enough to go back to get another restraining order against him, as my first one ended last summer. I also wanted to share my concerns about the children being left alone and the well, rough-looking guys who have been either at or staying over at my ex's place when my kids are there.
Little did I know how bad things had really become over there. It was then I discovered my old house was already under the watch of police for other reasons. Apparently those men I was a bit concerned about have quite the police history. I also learned they already have received complaints from others that my children were spending too long/too much time at the local bars in their town. After listening for about an hour, it was time I had to go pick up my kids with a sick feeling in my stomach.
As I drove up to my old house, my first site was my ex, holding up a video camera, pointed at me, along with some type of recording device he appeared to be talking into. Next, my son came out and my daughter came running out behind, crying, no balling and hugging her doll tightly. I hand a difficult time understanding her as she sobbed, saying that Daddy said you called the police and they are coming to hurt him, to take him to jail and that we are never going to see him again...we are never going to get to see Daddy, or our house or our toys, ever, every again Mommmy!!!!! I tried to get her to first buckle up safely to I could begin driving away and then continued explaining to her that I had not calling the police on Daddy and that even if I had, they don't just take people away and they don't hurt them. I continued, telling her they will only take someone to jail if they broke a law, a rule again, that he is going to be okay.
We were back in town and going down Main Street, when she was starting to catch her breath, just as a sheriff went racing by with his sirens on and lights flashing...that did her in. He's going to get him Mommy!!!! It was then I turned off the main road to the police station and pulled in a parking space and turned around to talk to her and my son. I asked them if we could please go inside and have an officer explain that they are not going to get Daddy, that they don't just arrest people for no reason and that it's going to be okay. She screamed even louder at this, as her father has them both quite afraid of police, as in his eyes, they are the enemy. So we pulled out and I called my friend to see if we could stop over. My daughter said she would calm down if we stopped over at her friends house for a little while and honestly, I wanted her mom, my friend, to see the state she was in. Just as we got about a block and a half away, a police officer was putting his siren on to pull us over. The tears began again from the back and I now was getting a bit shaky myself. He came over and asked if everything was okay, as he saw us parked in front of the station and had left...as I explained what happened and the loud crying was being heard from the back, he asked if we could please follow him back to the station as he needed me to give a statement.
At this point my heart started racing, wondering why had my ex called the police? As we pulled back into the parking lot and got out of the vehicle, the women officer Allie knew from visits from school was already outside and walking towards us. Allie ran to her with her doll and they went inside to talk. The male officer was outside the station with a male and female sheriff. My son had asked if he could bring in his DS that he was using trying ignore all that was happening in the minivan and I told him of course he could. So as we approached the officers, the sheriff said he had some questions for me as the female sheriff went over to try and talk to my son/keeping him company.
I can't remember if I started my nervous rambling, explaining that I didn't mean to pick up my kids early, but he had texted me, asking me too, I have the texts to prove it...or if it was just racing through my mind not sure why else the sheriff would be there. It was then he told me I wasn't in trouble, but rather he want to know what type of relationship I have with a women named ******. I told him honestly, not too much of one, then continuing that she was dating and now is married to the my ex's best friend who lives across the street from my old house. I continued saying that it was her best friend that she introduced to my ex while we were still married who he had cheated on me with. He then explained that he had received a call from her saying that she felt my life was in danger, due to comments my ex was making. He said he was racing out to stop me from going out to pick up my kids, but then discovered I had already got them. He suggested that my son and I go inside/stay at the station while he makes a few more calls to get details and goes to arrest him, or something to that nature. So inside the side door of the station we went. Walking past my daughter, still chatting in an office and appearing to be doing much better as she waved at us. As we entered the main tables/area and had a seat, I was taken back to three years ago when I was in a very similar situation, in the same seat, just without my kids.
The female sheriff began asking my son some question able school, his age, etc as the police officer began asking me some basic question for a report. Before long, my daughter joined us. The male officer, knowing from the past how scared they were of the station, suggested he gave the kids a tour, as he does for Girl and Boy Scout Troops. This was a hit and made the time go a little faster, as I was beginning to feel quite shaky and sick. Before long, the male sheriff returned and needed to speak to me alone, but the kids were comfortable enough at this point to check out the garage and tour the cars without me.
The male sheriff explained to me he spoke with the women who had called and her husband had been receiving some very disturbing texts from my ex and he told her to stay inside the house with her kids and not to go near my ex. Hearing this and knowing that my kids were still with their father, she called in scared for my own safety. After getting her report, he then called her husband and spoke to him at work. He explained to the officers that his drinking has intensified again and that he was getting into drugs and apparently received a text saying that if I were to show up with the police, that it was going to be World War Three out there. The sheriff explained, as upsetting and disturbing as this is, it is not a direct threat on your life and so I can't actually arrest him at this point. He continued on suggesting I go and get a new restraining order, as the police earlier in that had already suggested based on my texts, and continued on about safety precautions to take. Saying that sadly, smart people who break or try to break the law are a little more difficult to catch but don't give up.
So, having no other choice, we left the station and headed over to our friends home, both so our kids could play and I could update/vent to my good friend. He response this time was, "NOW can I call Lifetime Television Network and so they can begin filming the movie of your life!"
The next day, my parents watched my children so that I could go speak with my pastor as well as go to the court house and get a temporary restraining order/court date. Following this, I was able to return back to a somewhat normal life for the weekend, until Tuesday when I received a text from my ex, mentioning about dropping off the kids at my place Thursday morning. I began wondering if he had not yet been served the restraining order papers or if, as he often does, was just ignoring them. It turned out to be the ignoring them, as Thursday morning when I was waiting at the police station parking lot, where we use to exchange the kids as well as where the police told me to go back to exchanging them for now. As I was waiting, they were late, the female officer in town had stepped outside and came up to my vehicle, asking how I was holding up. I explained that I was a little nervous if he was served, to which she told me, oh yes and the neighbor is actually inside the station right now, quite upset as my ex has been filling her head with all sorts of disturbing things, scaring her now. She said she was wanting a copy of the police report from last week and that they were having her exit a back door so that he would not know she was there when he dropped off the kids.
Upon hearing this, when the kids were back and we received the door knobs my parents had mailed to our house, that the kids wanted to take over and deliver to Grandma and Grandpa's new place, I asked my parents if I could leave the kids there a few minutes so I could stop down to the station to get a copy of the report as well, as I had to go to court the next morning. It was as I was going into the station, that my former neighbor was again coming out. As she saw me, she asked me if we could please talk for a few minutes. I said of course and then it began. She explained how my ex said it was because of them that we were going to court and getting all upset, drilling them for details and wanting them to testify in the morning. I explained it was actually due to the texts he keeps sending but that her call did help too. She continued to say how frightened she is of him, how worried she is for my kids...explaining about how he is into cocaine and heroine now, not to mention how bad his drinking is getting...and the men that he is having the kids stay home with...the one guy has a criminal record for battery! That another just received his fifth DWI less than two weeks ago...and how she is so frightened as to what could happen to my daughter. Not to mention how often they are being left alone and how she is still lying and covering for her Dad...going into details about all of this and how he racistly puts down her own two boys. She said crying at one point, that she so wishes he would just move to another state, that he is terrified of what he might do. She continued asking if his family has a history of schizophrenia, as his behaviors seem so much worse than bi-polar. It was when she said that she is all for kids having time with both parents, being able to see their Dad, but in this case, it's just not safe anymore Lisa. Can't you call child services or can't the police do something to help them....that is what hit a nerve with me.
As she had already explained the report was not finished yet and that they were leaving town for the weekend, I went inside and asked if I could get the phone number for Child Protective Services. I own my way to pick up my kids from my parents, I called my good friend again, updating her on the latest scary news and she said come over here and call them right now. Which we did. She kept the kids all outside so my kids wouldn't know what I was doing, as I explained all I knew to a women on the phone. She explained that she would type up all of this information and pass it on to her boss and from there they would look into opening a case. It was all I could do at that point.
Friday morning came, and as my children sadly knew, from comments their Dad had told them, yes Mommy was heading to court. I was there early and was the first to check in, as I knew the process from the past. They schedule multiple hearing at the same time and go in order as they appear. Unfortunately, my ex didn't come until almost a half hour late, so I got to sit and listen to other cases from 8:30 until after 12. Finally it was our turn. We were sworn in and I took the stand. Handing over photographs I had taken from texts as well as giving her the phone to read a few more. Ask my judge tried, asking me further questions as to what type of threats I was receiving, it became clearer to me that I was not going to be receiving a restraining order that day. She explained that can't use information from the case last Thursday, as it's hearsay until the actual report is printed and as upsetting and inappropriate the texts are, that they are not severe until to issue a restraining order. She asked if I had tried family court, as it sounds like he is in contempt for his behavior and actions and suggested we go that route. The judge made her ruling, left the chambers and then me ex got my chuckling, laughing, whistling proudly as he left the court room. The sheriff/bailiff, had asked me to wait, annoyed obviously, as the judge was as his snide remarks while I was testifying as well. He said he could escort me down to the window on the second floor where I can get the paperwork to file contempt of court and begin that process, which I did before leaving the courthouse.
I knew, as I left, that he already had broken two of three of the rules, such as not paying part of my child support by the 25th of July and I had photographed a check to prove it. It states in our MSA that if he goes past that grace period, as we guessed before long he would, that I have the right to obtain a lawyer and have it written up as a direct deposit instead and that he would have to pay the lawyer fees. Apparently it's time to take that action, along with others.
On the way back to my parents, I stopped off at the police station, letting them know the order did not pass, and they were in shock, stating that he was indeed harassing me...I explained that I knew that, but apparently the judge wanted more, actual danger/threats on my life. As I told them the kids were going with their Dad this weekend and I was a bit concerned, as they were too, they said the police in that small town he lives in is not on call over this weekend, but to called the non-emergency sheriff's number, which I did, to have extra patrol out their this weekend. They also let me know that they did receive a call from Child Protective Services and spoke with them yesterday as well. Asking a few more questions about that, they explained that it can take 2-5 days to get a case going and didn't know when they'd be contacting him or me. I left, picked up my kids and spent the last couple hours a bit drained, with them until I had to drop them off at their Dad's.
As always, the garage door was open, showing his two vehicles were there, so the kids went in the house through the garage door and that was it. I drove off, thinking there must me more I can do. It was then that I recalled something else my former neighbor had shared with my yesterday. She said that two of my other neighbors has recently contacted the police scared for the kids safety as well. I knew one of the two, and knew where she worked it town, so I got up my courage to drive past and see if she was in. Sure enough she was outside having a cigarette break. She gave me a big hug, "OH LISA!!!!" as I approached, seemed so glad to see me. I explained I was very concerned about the things I had been learning about my ex's place. I told her how her name was brought up in having had called the police and she took the conversation from there. She said she said the police women from my town, spoke with her and she said that house is out of her jurisdiction, but to please report it to their part time police. Apparently the other women tried leaving a message with this man but he never called back. It was then that she went into detail, as she is a bit older and know everyone on the court, street and most of that small town...saying how everyone up there is so concerned about the kids. That she can't believe he really thinks that the rest of the neighbors don't know what is going on in there?! We see the guys that are coming and going, the behaviors that are going on, his frequent trip to and from the bar. A women down the street said to her the other day, I see you know have a drug house up by you now...referring to my old place. She continued saying how it's just not safe for the kids to be there and was saying how often they are left alone for hours and hours. How the one man he's leaving the kids, my son, home alone with has a criminal record, including battery and assault! How he can do that to those poor kids.
MY poor kids she was going on and on about. I didn't know what to say, but that sinking feeling my stomach was getting worse and worse by the minute. I asked her if she could PLEASE, PLEASE call the Child Services, as I couldn't give them any first hand accounts and it was pretty much hearsay coming from me, but if she and any, ALL of the neighbors could please call and get reports, it could help the kids so much. I explained to her as I had to the other women from my old neighborhood, it's not that I dont' want them to see their father, I do, but not like this and not when it's putting their life on the line. The other neighbor said, when I said he needs help, she said he needs a lot more then just help...inpatient treatment for quite a while!!!
Regardless. It's now Sunday night. I am continuing to pray that the neighborhood up their makes calls to Child Protective Services. That my kids make it home safely tomorrow. I am prepared to call the attorney my former Guardian at Litem suggested when I called her for advice...and schedule a meeting as soon as possible. I know it also said in our Marriage Settlement Agreement that my ex was to go to Anger Management Classes, AA and so on, none of which I can imagine he has done.
Sadly, this entry is not just a rosy one, although my new ones do bring me a glimpse of hope, or at least a remind that there is someone who cares. I will keep you posted my friends.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
The Journey Continues
"Even in the midst of personal failure the one who has been saved knows that he or she is still precious in the eyes of God"...pg 32 A Glimpse of Jesus
I was going to begin with this entry, as over the past few days, part of me has felt as though I have failed in some way. I once again was not able to sustain a relationship with a man. I tried to rationalize that it was for the best...he not having a job currently and my salary not enough to support us both; he having a different take on Christianity and healing, not understanding how I can't just hand over all my worries and just trust God to take care of everything; and his comments about regarding no longer drinking, waiting until marriage to have sex and many other attitudes he claimed to now have as a born again Christian this spring, don't always follow along with the actions he takes. Meeting his family and explained more about why he is who he is, but in the past week...as well as the last week we were together and for the first time in our new couple bliss, we faced challenges. Apparently his take on them is to fold up and call it quits.
As I was reading, searching for answers, I also found myself not wanting to feel alone for the first Wednesday night in the past almost two months, so I turned on TV in the background for company. Eat, Pray and Love was on and a majority of the time I could focus on what I was reading, but a few lines were apparently there for me to take in tonight...
"big deal, so you feel for someone...if you could clear that space in your mind, the energy towards that man and your failed marriage, you know what would happen; God would rush in and fill you with more love than you'd know what to do with" Eat Pray Love (the movie)
From this line I continued reading my newly checked out book, as if it was calling out to me...LISA: "Unhealthy guilt is self-centered, it stirs our emotions to church in self-destructive ways, leads to depression and despair, closes us in upon ourselves and preempts the presence of a compassionate God. -pg 19
Guilt would be a primary emotion in my body the past few days. The guilt of getting involved again, being blinded somehow by what I thought was a great thing. The guilt of involving my children, as I have not yet told them that we will no longer see him and his kids, but my daughter has asked a few times when; I simply respond I'm not sure and then the guilt thickens inside of me. I hadnt' intended to get them so involved. It has been happening so naturally. Apparently I should have been more guarded or something. I knew it had been a stressful week, with my work and his interviewing and not receiving work. But never did I think one day after he and his kids left with hugs goodbye until later, that he would call the next day and say it was all over. He exact words, "I've given this a lot of thought and I can't be in a relationship with someone else until my divorce is over."
I was in shock at first, not ever expecting that or prepared to speak after hearing it. Finally, I spoke, questioning, asking what he was saying? That he didn't want to date me anyone? Hadn't he just said he loved me for the first time a week ago, talking about our future, making all sorts of plans, why this weekend we were suppose to go to Milwaukee for a Brewers game, which he had already purchased the tickets and I the hotel room. He said, I just told you Lisa, I am still married in the eyes of God and until my divorce is over (about less than a month now), I decided I can not share feelings/be involved in a loving relationship. So, you are saying it's just over? We discussed this on our first date, as I had waited until my divorce was done to begin dating as well as other times and he had no concerns or second thoughts about it. There had to be something else, as I said to him and he just got frustrated that I didn't understand. He said he still wants the kids to be friends and play together but for us to no longer date or be in a relationship. As I explained to him, I didn't see how on earth that could possibly work. My children and I would think his too, are too smart and will know that something is not right. They have spoke of/joked about being brothers and sisters some day, he laughed and smiled right along when they did. I said I just didn't understand how that could be good for any of us.
I asked him what am I suppose to tell people, what is he going to say and his response was that he is not accountable to anyone. He is a grown man and can make is own choices and doesn't need to defend them to a soul. I said, really? When my friends, my parents, when people ask why we are no longer together I should just say, because his divorce isn't finalized yet. He said say whatever you want, but yes that is what I've been saying Lisa. I was in shock and crying at this point and he said he had to go.
That was Sunday night, about 10/10:30. I have not heard a thing from him since. He removed me as a friend from Facebook and it apparently is all over. Door slammed in my face and goodbye I guess. As I go back and forth whether Facebook is a good thing or not, I do feel it's the easiest and least painful way of having to share news like this with lots of friends at once. Fortunately, I'm blessed with many friends with kind words and suggestions to wait to talk to my kids about it until a little time has passed.
During the conclusion of the movie Eat, Pray and Love, the main charter states:
...if you set out on a truth seeking journey, externally or internally and if you are truly to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue; and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher; and if you are prepared, most of all to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself, then the truth will not be withheld from you.
I am still to fresh into this happening to decide what clue is has, what lesson is has for me on my journey, but I do know a few things. First, to wait longer into and through the bliss part of a new relationship to introduce my children to the man. Secondly, that after the end of my engagement in December, some form of love did find me again, therefore I can't allow myself to feel to hopeless that this was it, my last chance. Thirdly, I can't blame God, as I began too Sunday night, for what happened. It was my first relationship with a man who openly called himself a Christian and somehow I thought this was God's doing. Maybe it was in someways as it got me back to searching for knowledge and back onto a quest for understand religion again. I just told him, on the phone Sunday night, that he sure didnt' help at all in strengthening my faith in people or God...that they had both let me down.
I now know, it was said out of anger, and that God does not try to hurt us or test our faith in him. I know I was putting my own lack of faith for him not taking care of me when really he was. He was saving me from even more pain down the road if I would have stayed with him. He was showing love towards me through the kind words, support and love from friends. He is still there, with open arms, if I am willing to accept them and understand that his love is unconditional. It's not a matter of sinning, or doing right or wrong in his eyes. Like I say to my children, I may not love what you are doing, but I still love you.
As the rainy Wednesday evening began, the same as my first date of this past relationship began...and after not spending one Wednesday night apart from him in the past, almost two months. I did pretty well refocusing tonight on what I needed too. What really counts. Going back to focusing on the relationship I have with God, focusing on self love...not beating up on myself for messing things up somehow once again. As much as I did not want to be alone tonight, I do believe it was for the best.
I was going to begin with this entry, as over the past few days, part of me has felt as though I have failed in some way. I once again was not able to sustain a relationship with a man. I tried to rationalize that it was for the best...he not having a job currently and my salary not enough to support us both; he having a different take on Christianity and healing, not understanding how I can't just hand over all my worries and just trust God to take care of everything; and his comments about regarding no longer drinking, waiting until marriage to have sex and many other attitudes he claimed to now have as a born again Christian this spring, don't always follow along with the actions he takes. Meeting his family and explained more about why he is who he is, but in the past week...as well as the last week we were together and for the first time in our new couple bliss, we faced challenges. Apparently his take on them is to fold up and call it quits.
As I was reading, searching for answers, I also found myself not wanting to feel alone for the first Wednesday night in the past almost two months, so I turned on TV in the background for company. Eat, Pray and Love was on and a majority of the time I could focus on what I was reading, but a few lines were apparently there for me to take in tonight...
"big deal, so you feel for someone...if you could clear that space in your mind, the energy towards that man and your failed marriage, you know what would happen; God would rush in and fill you with more love than you'd know what to do with" Eat Pray Love (the movie)
From this line I continued reading my newly checked out book, as if it was calling out to me...LISA: "Unhealthy guilt is self-centered, it stirs our emotions to church in self-destructive ways, leads to depression and despair, closes us in upon ourselves and preempts the presence of a compassionate God. -pg 19
Guilt would be a primary emotion in my body the past few days. The guilt of getting involved again, being blinded somehow by what I thought was a great thing. The guilt of involving my children, as I have not yet told them that we will no longer see him and his kids, but my daughter has asked a few times when; I simply respond I'm not sure and then the guilt thickens inside of me. I hadnt' intended to get them so involved. It has been happening so naturally. Apparently I should have been more guarded or something. I knew it had been a stressful week, with my work and his interviewing and not receiving work. But never did I think one day after he and his kids left with hugs goodbye until later, that he would call the next day and say it was all over. He exact words, "I've given this a lot of thought and I can't be in a relationship with someone else until my divorce is over."
I was in shock at first, not ever expecting that or prepared to speak after hearing it. Finally, I spoke, questioning, asking what he was saying? That he didn't want to date me anyone? Hadn't he just said he loved me for the first time a week ago, talking about our future, making all sorts of plans, why this weekend we were suppose to go to Milwaukee for a Brewers game, which he had already purchased the tickets and I the hotel room. He said, I just told you Lisa, I am still married in the eyes of God and until my divorce is over (about less than a month now), I decided I can not share feelings/be involved in a loving relationship. So, you are saying it's just over? We discussed this on our first date, as I had waited until my divorce was done to begin dating as well as other times and he had no concerns or second thoughts about it. There had to be something else, as I said to him and he just got frustrated that I didn't understand. He said he still wants the kids to be friends and play together but for us to no longer date or be in a relationship. As I explained to him, I didn't see how on earth that could possibly work. My children and I would think his too, are too smart and will know that something is not right. They have spoke of/joked about being brothers and sisters some day, he laughed and smiled right along when they did. I said I just didn't understand how that could be good for any of us.
I asked him what am I suppose to tell people, what is he going to say and his response was that he is not accountable to anyone. He is a grown man and can make is own choices and doesn't need to defend them to a soul. I said, really? When my friends, my parents, when people ask why we are no longer together I should just say, because his divorce isn't finalized yet. He said say whatever you want, but yes that is what I've been saying Lisa. I was in shock and crying at this point and he said he had to go.
That was Sunday night, about 10/10:30. I have not heard a thing from him since. He removed me as a friend from Facebook and it apparently is all over. Door slammed in my face and goodbye I guess. As I go back and forth whether Facebook is a good thing or not, I do feel it's the easiest and least painful way of having to share news like this with lots of friends at once. Fortunately, I'm blessed with many friends with kind words and suggestions to wait to talk to my kids about it until a little time has passed.
During the conclusion of the movie Eat, Pray and Love, the main charter states:
...if you set out on a truth seeking journey, externally or internally and if you are truly to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue; and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher; and if you are prepared, most of all to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself, then the truth will not be withheld from you.
I am still to fresh into this happening to decide what clue is has, what lesson is has for me on my journey, but I do know a few things. First, to wait longer into and through the bliss part of a new relationship to introduce my children to the man. Secondly, that after the end of my engagement in December, some form of love did find me again, therefore I can't allow myself to feel to hopeless that this was it, my last chance. Thirdly, I can't blame God, as I began too Sunday night, for what happened. It was my first relationship with a man who openly called himself a Christian and somehow I thought this was God's doing. Maybe it was in someways as it got me back to searching for knowledge and back onto a quest for understand religion again. I just told him, on the phone Sunday night, that he sure didnt' help at all in strengthening my faith in people or God...that they had both let me down.
I now know, it was said out of anger, and that God does not try to hurt us or test our faith in him. I know I was putting my own lack of faith for him not taking care of me when really he was. He was saving me from even more pain down the road if I would have stayed with him. He was showing love towards me through the kind words, support and love from friends. He is still there, with open arms, if I am willing to accept them and understand that his love is unconditional. It's not a matter of sinning, or doing right or wrong in his eyes. Like I say to my children, I may not love what you are doing, but I still love you.
As the rainy Wednesday evening began, the same as my first date of this past relationship began...and after not spending one Wednesday night apart from him in the past, almost two months. I did pretty well refocusing tonight on what I needed too. What really counts. Going back to focusing on the relationship I have with God, focusing on self love...not beating up on myself for messing things up somehow once again. As much as I did not want to be alone tonight, I do believe it was for the best.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Trust, Faith and Finding Rest
Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take. Proverbs 112:7-8
Larry Crowne, with Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts, was just what I needed this Sunday afternoon. Now , as I am curled up in a brown cozy leather chair at Barriques, enjoying an iced Tai Chi Latte, I am wondering why I had earlier felt any concern as to what I was going to spend my afternoon doing. It's amazing how I seem to feel the need to fill my time doing something "productive".
Yesterday, as I faced an entire day with nothing planned, with my good friend at my side, I felt this strong pulling inside me that I needed to be making plans. What should we do today? What are we going to do tonight? He questioned, kindly but honestly, why do you need to have everything planned out, why can't you just relax. He continued, by stating that if you keep going and going with your kids all week, and then all weekend, you just can't keep up at that pace. I know I quickly interrupted, eventually, yes, I will crash. He asked, then why dont' you spend some of the time without your children relaxing, just doing nothing, so you can be refreshed, recharged and have energy to spend with then when they return.
Okay, he had an excellent point, I agreed, but said, I just have a hard time relaxing, feeling guilty that I am not begin productive, accomplishing something. "We'll have to work on that" he said. Interestingly enough, the sermon at church this morning was on the topic of coming too God, all who are weary and find rest. During the children's sermon, the pastor made a joke about what type of rest Jesus had in mind...offering a friend a pillow, blankie and stuffed doggie to cuddle with.
One of the messages I heard, was a reminder that God wants us to come to him when we are weary, tired, fearful, sad, upset and to lay our worries our sorrows at the cross and He will take care of them. As I write this, I am reminded of a conversation I had with my friend on the way to church this morning. He had asked me if I was nervous, apparently picking up on my fidgeting that I wasn't aware of. I replied no, well yes, maybe a little, as I had never brought a person I was dating to church with me. As I told him, having a friend that would attend worship with me was on my list. Once upon a time, I had made up a list of qualities or such that I would want in a future boyfriend, once my divorce had finally ended and I began dating again.
I looked down at my wrist, at my bracelet, and commented how I had worn that bracelet on our first date, my fidget item to play with when I got nervous. He questioned if I was nervous on our first date, to which I responded, well yes. But now as I think more about it, I was nervous on my way, prior to our date but not during it. I then asked him if he was nervous on our first date and he looked over at me and calmly smiled, saying no. I asked, how could you not have been nervous? His response, "God has a plan for me and I trust him."
Okay, fine, he got me. I know it's not a contest, but if it was, he has me beat on this whole faith in God thing. I wish my faith was as strong as his is and am tyring to work on it. He is a good example for me in this way.
Which bring me back to the movie this afternoon. Julia Roberts character was in a bad place in her life. Her husband soon to be ex husband treated her quite poorly and here came Tom Hanks' character, although not as highly educated, he was a gentleman. As he was opening a door for her, she was quite taken back, as I too have been a time or two lately. She commented, stunned at his behavior, you open doors, you are a true gentleman. His character had hit a low point in his life as well. He was starting over in many aspects, but was true to himself...a true, honest, kind gentleman, showing respect to all those around him.
Friday night, on our way out of my friend's church, his step-mom and I were approaching the car and once again, he came around and opened my car door for me, as he always does. As I got into his car, I commented a bit nervously, that I am still not use to having doors held for me. He is the first man I've dated that opens doors for me. She responded, "Lisa, let him do it! You deserve it to be treated with respect!" She continued, "That's one thing I still remember from the first date I went on with his dad, he opened doors for me and still does to this day. A true sign of a gentleman." I am not sure if she had said that last line, but after seeking the movie this afternoon, I felt as though it would be appropriate to bring it up today.
As I sit and reflect on this past week, filled with so many great memories, too many to record right now, one does stick out in my mind. Wednesday night, I attended the first Concert on the Square of the season, this year though, not on my own. As I had been sharing my blog with my friend recently, I noticed my first entry I decided to publish...it was a year ago, almost to the date. I was venturing off to the Concerts on the Square alone last year, as I hadn't been in so many years and was determined that not having a man in my life shouldn't be limiting me as to what I was out there doing and enjoying in life. This year, I have a man that was excited to take me. So much so, he had went downtown and set out a blanket on the lawn of the capitol earlier in the afternoon. He later pointed out how he had picked this exact location so that we could see the orchestra, but be out of the direct sun, under the shade of a nearby tree so that we won't be too hot or have to worry about the sun in our eyes. He had packed too small coolers, one with ice water and the other with beer from the Brewery we had toured together, in fact had picked up a special bottle of their Wisconsin Belgian Red Style Ale Brewed with Door County Cherries.
It's hard to believe we will have been dating a month now this Wednesday. He joked last night, that he'd better hurry up and go buy me a ring, as it was just after a month my last boyfriend had proposed to me. He knew I had asked, early on, that no matter how things went with us, just please don't propose to me after only a month or two!
Kindly, he agreed, yet still we laugh about it. It was funny Friday night, while chatting with a friend of his, I said I reluctantly went out on that first dinner date and there hasn't been a span of about 3-4 waking hours that we haven't either spoke, texted or seen each other since. It really is amazing how God works in our lives. As I ran across this verse today, I thought it summarized my life lately perfectly.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding." I do think God knows what he is doing. I am trying to keep and strengthen my faith each day, now with help.
Larry Crowne, with Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts, was just what I needed this Sunday afternoon. Now , as I am curled up in a brown cozy leather chair at Barriques, enjoying an iced Tai Chi Latte, I am wondering why I had earlier felt any concern as to what I was going to spend my afternoon doing. It's amazing how I seem to feel the need to fill my time doing something "productive".
Yesterday, as I faced an entire day with nothing planned, with my good friend at my side, I felt this strong pulling inside me that I needed to be making plans. What should we do today? What are we going to do tonight? He questioned, kindly but honestly, why do you need to have everything planned out, why can't you just relax. He continued, by stating that if you keep going and going with your kids all week, and then all weekend, you just can't keep up at that pace. I know I quickly interrupted, eventually, yes, I will crash. He asked, then why dont' you spend some of the time without your children relaxing, just doing nothing, so you can be refreshed, recharged and have energy to spend with then when they return.
Okay, he had an excellent point, I agreed, but said, I just have a hard time relaxing, feeling guilty that I am not begin productive, accomplishing something. "We'll have to work on that" he said. Interestingly enough, the sermon at church this morning was on the topic of coming too God, all who are weary and find rest. During the children's sermon, the pastor made a joke about what type of rest Jesus had in mind...offering a friend a pillow, blankie and stuffed doggie to cuddle with.
One of the messages I heard, was a reminder that God wants us to come to him when we are weary, tired, fearful, sad, upset and to lay our worries our sorrows at the cross and He will take care of them. As I write this, I am reminded of a conversation I had with my friend on the way to church this morning. He had asked me if I was nervous, apparently picking up on my fidgeting that I wasn't aware of. I replied no, well yes, maybe a little, as I had never brought a person I was dating to church with me. As I told him, having a friend that would attend worship with me was on my list. Once upon a time, I had made up a list of qualities or such that I would want in a future boyfriend, once my divorce had finally ended and I began dating again.
I looked down at my wrist, at my bracelet, and commented how I had worn that bracelet on our first date, my fidget item to play with when I got nervous. He questioned if I was nervous on our first date, to which I responded, well yes. But now as I think more about it, I was nervous on my way, prior to our date but not during it. I then asked him if he was nervous on our first date and he looked over at me and calmly smiled, saying no. I asked, how could you not have been nervous? His response, "God has a plan for me and I trust him."
Okay, fine, he got me. I know it's not a contest, but if it was, he has me beat on this whole faith in God thing. I wish my faith was as strong as his is and am tyring to work on it. He is a good example for me in this way.
Which bring me back to the movie this afternoon. Julia Roberts character was in a bad place in her life. Her husband soon to be ex husband treated her quite poorly and here came Tom Hanks' character, although not as highly educated, he was a gentleman. As he was opening a door for her, she was quite taken back, as I too have been a time or two lately. She commented, stunned at his behavior, you open doors, you are a true gentleman. His character had hit a low point in his life as well. He was starting over in many aspects, but was true to himself...a true, honest, kind gentleman, showing respect to all those around him.
Friday night, on our way out of my friend's church, his step-mom and I were approaching the car and once again, he came around and opened my car door for me, as he always does. As I got into his car, I commented a bit nervously, that I am still not use to having doors held for me. He is the first man I've dated that opens doors for me. She responded, "Lisa, let him do it! You deserve it to be treated with respect!" She continued, "That's one thing I still remember from the first date I went on with his dad, he opened doors for me and still does to this day. A true sign of a gentleman." I am not sure if she had said that last line, but after seeking the movie this afternoon, I felt as though it would be appropriate to bring it up today.
As I sit and reflect on this past week, filled with so many great memories, too many to record right now, one does stick out in my mind. Wednesday night, I attended the first Concert on the Square of the season, this year though, not on my own. As I had been sharing my blog with my friend recently, I noticed my first entry I decided to publish...it was a year ago, almost to the date. I was venturing off to the Concerts on the Square alone last year, as I hadn't been in so many years and was determined that not having a man in my life shouldn't be limiting me as to what I was out there doing and enjoying in life. This year, I have a man that was excited to take me. So much so, he had went downtown and set out a blanket on the lawn of the capitol earlier in the afternoon. He later pointed out how he had picked this exact location so that we could see the orchestra, but be out of the direct sun, under the shade of a nearby tree so that we won't be too hot or have to worry about the sun in our eyes. He had packed too small coolers, one with ice water and the other with beer from the Brewery we had toured together, in fact had picked up a special bottle of their Wisconsin Belgian Red Style Ale Brewed with Door County Cherries.
It's hard to believe we will have been dating a month now this Wednesday. He joked last night, that he'd better hurry up and go buy me a ring, as it was just after a month my last boyfriend had proposed to me. He knew I had asked, early on, that no matter how things went with us, just please don't propose to me after only a month or two!
Kindly, he agreed, yet still we laugh about it. It was funny Friday night, while chatting with a friend of his, I said I reluctantly went out on that first dinner date and there hasn't been a span of about 3-4 waking hours that we haven't either spoke, texted or seen each other since. It really is amazing how God works in our lives. As I ran across this verse today, I thought it summarized my life lately perfectly.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding." I do think God knows what he is doing. I am trying to keep and strengthen my faith each day, now with help.
Monday, June 20, 2011
My Lucky Number 8
The number 8 has always been a good number for me. My birthday is on an 8th as is my son's. I use to be the number 8 on our youth soccer program as a kids growing up. I've have always favored even numbers, there is just something round and complete about them. About two weeks ago, when someone asked me out, I had know idea how much I would be grateful it landed on an 8.
As I believe I stated in a previous blog, I did indeed join a Christian dating website a few weeks back. I even drove a ways to meet up with a guy I was so hoping something would work out with. The day after I returned from meeting up with him and questioning whether he really was who I thought he was, I received a smile, as they call them and then a couple emails from a man with a comforting smile. He had emailed asking where I had went to school, as he thought I looked so familiar. Sure enough, the next day, as we instant messaged, we discovered that we had indeed went to school and graduated high school together. To be quite honest with all of you, I wasn't quite sure if I wanted to talk to him any further. I credit myself with leaving my past in the past and I didn't really know if I wanted to venture back to high school memories. But the more we typed, the more I thought to myself...how much do you really know about him. How would a relationship work with the guy from Rochester anyway? As we typed, he picked up on my love of Italy and Italian food and we decided to go out that next night...as we are both childless on Wednesdays.
The next thing I know, I was all nervous, sitting in my minivan outside of Villa Dolce. What did I really know about him? Yes, he was sadly picked on in school, but in our school, who wasn't! He was shorter, I rememberred, and had glasses. Well, as I finally got myself to stop nervously texting my sister I went inside to find he had now grown to six feet and now had contacts too. We sat down and started discussing life in person. I really enjoyed being able to relate to our past. He too, met someone in his teens, stayed with her, then married her having two children together. He two, discovered his spouse had met someone else and the divorce process began. He was filled with such empathy and interested in all I had to say. He too, eventually, turned to God for help. He became an active member of his church and you can tell from meeting him, he is living the life of a Christian by example to his children, by the way he loves and cares for his family and the kindness and respect he has shown me any time I have been around him. When he asks how it is he found me again after all these years, I remind him that we never really knew each other back then...nor are we the same person from high school. Hopefully we have grown and learned through our challenges/struggles in life and have grown into stronger, better people.
As we were in another world, enjoying our dinner as well as company, a waitress arrived, followed by the hostess and owners, asking us to please move to the cellar. There had been a tornado reported nearby and a tornado warning was in effect. As we ventured down into the cellar, along with the rest of the visitors at the restaurant, I later found out it was over 200 years old. Not sure what would happen next, we joked about the unopened wine located nearby and turn to our phones to view the news and weather.
Upon returning upstairs, I joked at the check out that our first date will sure be a memorable one. Just as I spoke, the Italian owner came over with his strong accent and said, "Hey, please don't leave have a seat over here and keep talking!" We did have a seat at the small but colorful light-up bar across from the flat screen TV in the entry area, with all the weather updates. The tornado warning may have been expired, but it was really storming still out there and neither of us were in any hurry to go anywhere.
Again, we went off to another place in discussion, only realizing we were still sitting there when we saw the owner turning off the OPEN sign in the front window behind us, as I asked him again, "Do you need us to go?" Then he replied again, "OH NO! You two stay, keep chatting, enjoy yourselves!" Yes the old Italian man must have already seen what we can now see. Something more was there between us.
Following that memorable first date, we texted, IM'd and spoke on the phone on and off all weekend that we spent with our own kids. The following Tuesday, my daughter was out of town with a friend at a water park and then I decided to try bowling. Yes, my friend and I just "happened" to run into each other at the exact same bowling alley with our kids at the exact same time. My youngest son and his two children had a great time as we bowled and then enjoyed lunch. My daughter, on the other hand came home quite upset that his brother got to meet mom's "Boyfriend" as my 9 year old called him and she had not yet! As I texted my new friend this, we decided they could meet when he picked me up on Wednesday for our next date, as her Dad was out of town and I needed to get a sitter. On Wednesday night, we went to The Great Dane for dinner and then to the movie Midnight in Paris, which was playing at Sundance. I should have looked at the box/description closer, as it was not exactly when I expected...and I do thing we were two of the youngest people sitting in the theatre. But the company was wonderful so nothing else mattered. When we were done with the movie, we had a little time before relieving the babysitter. A few minutes out of the parking lot and it comes to him, a surprise he said. The next thing I know, we were sitting outside of Cold Stone Creamery. Looking up at the full moon peaking out from the clouds and talking more about relationships.
Friday night, my new friend made a homemade Italian dinner for me, being half Italian himself, as he had previously pointed out and quite domesticated. I can clean, do laundry and even cook...my speciality is Italian he had stated. I made him my grandma's famous peanut butter pie for dessert. Ironically, he had explained on the phone the night before, that his Step-Mom had loaned him the movie Fireproof and had asked if I had any interest in watching it. Of course! I heard a lot about it too and had wanted to see it. I was a bit surprised and excited by the face he would watch a Christian romantic comedy with me. It was a great movie about marriage and relationships, if you ever care to rent it.
How did I miss, the invitation of him to our Thursday night dinner and trip to the local pool. The kids both had a good chance to talk to Mom's new friend and it went amazingly better than I thought they would.
Finally to Saturday. As he picks me up to head to New Glarus, I am reminded my parents were stopping in town to meet with their landscaper and begin putting up some storage shelves in their home being built in town. SO, after he arrived to pick me up, I asked if we could stop by. We got the official tour and my parents had a chance to meet him. Then onto New Glarus the two of us went. First, we made it to the New Glarus Brewery before the self-guided tours were over. We got a kick out of a lot of the products, signs, etc. Then it was to the tasting room! A very large, crowded and popular place to be! Not to mention the big fountain and outdoor Beirgarten as they called it. After getting our first picture taken together, we headed onward into town. The town's architexture and Swiss decor was a joy to look at as we were on our way to the Garen Shlueb. Here, we had the authentic Swiss Meatballs and New Glarus Beer...only seemed right after touring and tasting it the brewery. After a great and entertaining dinner, we decided to walk around the main streets and do some shopping /browsing. Eventually we made it back and picked up a movie to enjoy together.
Finally we made it to today, Father's Day. We began by meeting his Dad and Stepmother as we worshiped together at their church. Then, after hugging his kids goodbye, I headed over to help my own Dad unload a van full of items to move ahead of time. After he and Mom headed back towards their current home, I met my friend and his kids for dinner and a blast in a nearby park afterwards. What a fun and wonderful end to the rest of the fun-filled weekend! As I told him on the phone tonight, I'll never forget driving off as the three of them, all adorned with beaming smiles and excitedly waving hands and arms drove off towards home the other way.
As my new friend has commented, "How did I ever find you, Lisa"
I have responded, "God. It was his plan, on his time for us to find each other."
His response to that. "Amen Lisa, Amen to that."
Yes, I am now understanding what my friend and coworker meant a few months ago when she was sharing what had been happening in her own personal life. As she said and I'll never forget, "It's a God thing Lisa, I just can't explain it, but I know it is." I can now see where she was coming from.
As I believe I stated in a previous blog, I did indeed join a Christian dating website a few weeks back. I even drove a ways to meet up with a guy I was so hoping something would work out with. The day after I returned from meeting up with him and questioning whether he really was who I thought he was, I received a smile, as they call them and then a couple emails from a man with a comforting smile. He had emailed asking where I had went to school, as he thought I looked so familiar. Sure enough, the next day, as we instant messaged, we discovered that we had indeed went to school and graduated high school together. To be quite honest with all of you, I wasn't quite sure if I wanted to talk to him any further. I credit myself with leaving my past in the past and I didn't really know if I wanted to venture back to high school memories. But the more we typed, the more I thought to myself...how much do you really know about him. How would a relationship work with the guy from Rochester anyway? As we typed, he picked up on my love of Italy and Italian food and we decided to go out that next night...as we are both childless on Wednesdays.
The next thing I know, I was all nervous, sitting in my minivan outside of Villa Dolce. What did I really know about him? Yes, he was sadly picked on in school, but in our school, who wasn't! He was shorter, I rememberred, and had glasses. Well, as I finally got myself to stop nervously texting my sister I went inside to find he had now grown to six feet and now had contacts too. We sat down and started discussing life in person. I really enjoyed being able to relate to our past. He too, met someone in his teens, stayed with her, then married her having two children together. He two, discovered his spouse had met someone else and the divorce process began. He was filled with such empathy and interested in all I had to say. He too, eventually, turned to God for help. He became an active member of his church and you can tell from meeting him, he is living the life of a Christian by example to his children, by the way he loves and cares for his family and the kindness and respect he has shown me any time I have been around him. When he asks how it is he found me again after all these years, I remind him that we never really knew each other back then...nor are we the same person from high school. Hopefully we have grown and learned through our challenges/struggles in life and have grown into stronger, better people.
As we were in another world, enjoying our dinner as well as company, a waitress arrived, followed by the hostess and owners, asking us to please move to the cellar. There had been a tornado reported nearby and a tornado warning was in effect. As we ventured down into the cellar, along with the rest of the visitors at the restaurant, I later found out it was over 200 years old. Not sure what would happen next, we joked about the unopened wine located nearby and turn to our phones to view the news and weather.
Upon returning upstairs, I joked at the check out that our first date will sure be a memorable one. Just as I spoke, the Italian owner came over with his strong accent and said, "Hey, please don't leave have a seat over here and keep talking!" We did have a seat at the small but colorful light-up bar across from the flat screen TV in the entry area, with all the weather updates. The tornado warning may have been expired, but it was really storming still out there and neither of us were in any hurry to go anywhere.
Again, we went off to another place in discussion, only realizing we were still sitting there when we saw the owner turning off the OPEN sign in the front window behind us, as I asked him again, "Do you need us to go?" Then he replied again, "OH NO! You two stay, keep chatting, enjoy yourselves!" Yes the old Italian man must have already seen what we can now see. Something more was there between us.
Following that memorable first date, we texted, IM'd and spoke on the phone on and off all weekend that we spent with our own kids. The following Tuesday, my daughter was out of town with a friend at a water park and then I decided to try bowling. Yes, my friend and I just "happened" to run into each other at the exact same bowling alley with our kids at the exact same time. My youngest son and his two children had a great time as we bowled and then enjoyed lunch. My daughter, on the other hand came home quite upset that his brother got to meet mom's "Boyfriend" as my 9 year old called him and she had not yet! As I texted my new friend this, we decided they could meet when he picked me up on Wednesday for our next date, as her Dad was out of town and I needed to get a sitter. On Wednesday night, we went to The Great Dane for dinner and then to the movie Midnight in Paris, which was playing at Sundance. I should have looked at the box/description closer, as it was not exactly when I expected...and I do thing we were two of the youngest people sitting in the theatre. But the company was wonderful so nothing else mattered. When we were done with the movie, we had a little time before relieving the babysitter. A few minutes out of the parking lot and it comes to him, a surprise he said. The next thing I know, we were sitting outside of Cold Stone Creamery. Looking up at the full moon peaking out from the clouds and talking more about relationships.
Friday night, my new friend made a homemade Italian dinner for me, being half Italian himself, as he had previously pointed out and quite domesticated. I can clean, do laundry and even cook...my speciality is Italian he had stated. I made him my grandma's famous peanut butter pie for dessert. Ironically, he had explained on the phone the night before, that his Step-Mom had loaned him the movie Fireproof and had asked if I had any interest in watching it. Of course! I heard a lot about it too and had wanted to see it. I was a bit surprised and excited by the face he would watch a Christian romantic comedy with me. It was a great movie about marriage and relationships, if you ever care to rent it.
How did I miss, the invitation of him to our Thursday night dinner and trip to the local pool. The kids both had a good chance to talk to Mom's new friend and it went amazingly better than I thought they would.
Finally to Saturday. As he picks me up to head to New Glarus, I am reminded my parents were stopping in town to meet with their landscaper and begin putting up some storage shelves in their home being built in town. SO, after he arrived to pick me up, I asked if we could stop by. We got the official tour and my parents had a chance to meet him. Then onto New Glarus the two of us went. First, we made it to the New Glarus Brewery before the self-guided tours were over. We got a kick out of a lot of the products, signs, etc. Then it was to the tasting room! A very large, crowded and popular place to be! Not to mention the big fountain and outdoor Beirgarten as they called it. After getting our first picture taken together, we headed onward into town. The town's architexture and Swiss decor was a joy to look at as we were on our way to the Garen Shlueb. Here, we had the authentic Swiss Meatballs and New Glarus Beer...only seemed right after touring and tasting it the brewery. After a great and entertaining dinner, we decided to walk around the main streets and do some shopping /browsing. Eventually we made it back and picked up a movie to enjoy together.
Finally we made it to today, Father's Day. We began by meeting his Dad and Stepmother as we worshiped together at their church. Then, after hugging his kids goodbye, I headed over to help my own Dad unload a van full of items to move ahead of time. After he and Mom headed back towards their current home, I met my friend and his kids for dinner and a blast in a nearby park afterwards. What a fun and wonderful end to the rest of the fun-filled weekend! As I told him on the phone tonight, I'll never forget driving off as the three of them, all adorned with beaming smiles and excitedly waving hands and arms drove off towards home the other way.
As my new friend has commented, "How did I ever find you, Lisa"
I have responded, "God. It was his plan, on his time for us to find each other."
His response to that. "Amen Lisa, Amen to that."
Yes, I am now understanding what my friend and coworker meant a few months ago when she was sharing what had been happening in her own personal life. As she said and I'll never forget, "It's a God thing Lisa, I just can't explain it, but I know it is." I can now see where she was coming from.
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