Transitions

The calendar says one more full week of summer vacation for the kids and I.  Then it's back to school, to work, to a routine.  I love routines, I just don't like that time between now and then...that time called a transition.

I have read a few friend's Facebook postings, saying how they can't wait...that they are counting the days until school begins again.  In some ways I understand.  It will be nice to begin a new school year, a new schedule...to know what each weekday has in store for us.  Fall is my favorite season, with the beautiful autumn leaves, apple picking, pumpkin patches and all the other fun that comes with it.  It's also a time to reflect on the end of a season, that summer is almost gone...and when it comes to me, that means to analyze all that it brought, good and bad.

I am not sure if it's genetic or if it's a female trait, to reflect and study life in all it's patterns and phases.  I try to do this in order to take a lesson or lessons from it that I have learned in order to life a little wiser as the next season approaches.  Sadly, I also tend to put myself down for not accomplishing things I wish I would have and to set new goals for the season ahead. 

As parents tend to do, I believe, they look at the new school year in disbelief, that their child/children are already going into the grade they are.  Where does the time go?  Why do they have to grow up so fast?  I am doing all I can to love, nurture, protect, help them learn and grow as individuals?  Sometimes I just feel like such a failure.  I suppose everyone has those days.  I can't provide that home life that I wish I could.  With a mother and father to sit down to dinner with them and talk about their day.  To go out and do fun family adventures on the weekends.  I do the best I can, which will have to do...but I still feel that I am letting them down, that they are missing out.  I suppose I should also keep in perspective, they are also missing out on having to hear parents fight or argue...or worse.  Fortunately, they were too young, or at least my son was, to ever remember any of that in our family.  I suppose I can be grateful for that. 

I also am looking back on this summer and am still upset with myself for allowing a man that I dated to get involved in our lives.  One friend recently pointed out a close friend of hers who also was a single mom, waited until her kids had went through school before she began dating.  I just don't personally want to put my life on hold for that many years.  Plus, the weekends when I don't have my children, if I have the opportunity to spend time with a male friend, I don't see why I should ban myself from doing so.  Other friends suggest that there is nothing wrong with dating while you are a single mom, just keep the kids out of it...well, it wasn't that direct or blunt, but rather wait until you've been dating for quite a while and are really sure about things before introducing the kids to anyone else in your life.  Here is where I find the challenge.  As my children, my daughter especially, is extremely smart and perceptive.  She knows when I am dating someone, as she can tell when I am dressing up for a Wednesday night date...or sees left overs in the fridge from a restaurant, or can tell when I get more texts on my phone than I usually do.  She knew quite quickly, that I met a new friend over the past two weeks.  I am not going to lie to her and spoke honestly to her, that I do have a new friend.  When she found out he had a daughter last night and was upset because I won't let the kids meet yet, I was honest with her.  I reminded her that I allowed her to get to know the two children earlier this summer and then their dad and I decided not to keep dating right now in life.  I felt awful that she had to stop seeing the kids and as her mom, I want to protect her from getting her feelings hurt again if I can.  I told her I dont' know what will happen and maybe someday they will meet, but it's too soon for them to meet right now.

I was proud of myself last night, as much as I know my daughter felt letdown.  Today though, I did allow the kids to meet him, just as a friend of mom's, who came with us to play at Devil's Lake with them.  Afterwards he and my son played Wii for a little bit and he headed home.  There was no kissing, hand holding or anything that would "lead my daughter on" to think that we were getting married as she does anytime she thinks of me dating.  But yet tonight, I am beating myself up over having them meet.  It went well and now they at least know who my friend is when I refer to him, yet I feel like I have done something wrong having them meet so soon.  There is not a rule book out there for dating when you are a single mom, sometimes you almost wish there was.  I stuck with what I said and there are still no kids involved and just because they met today, doesn't mean they have to spend every free evening he has with us.  But I still feel guilty.  I go back to my ex-finance and feel awful that I had so many memories with him and the kids.  But part of knowing if a guy is one you'd want to spend your life with is seeing how he relates, interacts and such with your kids, right?  I am not planning on marring the new guy I just met, I am quite frankly quite scared at the idea of marriage right now.  Yet, I do enjoy having a companion to talk to, spend time with, share our ups and downs.  That isn't a bad thing...right? 

I know I worry too much, over reflect or analyze things too often, but when it involves my children, I feel like it's the right thing to do.  To make sure I am looking out for their best interests, for their well begin, while still trying to move forward in my life.  I appreciated one friend's perspective on dating while you are a single mom, when she pointed out it's a good lesson for my children, to see that Mom does date and that yes, a part of dating sometimes means that things have to end, but to know Mom is okay and that it doesn't change a thing about the relationship Mom and the children have.  Sometime people come in and out of our lives, but we move on and make the best of life.  Chances are my daughter or son won't marry the first person they believe to have fallen in love with...I wish I wouldn't have when I look back at the big picture.  Knowing that part of life is meeting new people and hopefully one will be with you for long run, yet learning from all those friendships you make along the way.  If I can set an example that I am a strong, confident (other than some evenings when they are asleep) Mom that can make it on her own., that loves and care for her children, makes a living teaching and helping others, serving God and trying to make the world a better place.  A Mom that cherishes her friendships and family, and tries to stay optimistic on life.  That sometimes friendships don't work out, but life continues on.  It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with us as a person, it just wasn't what was meant to be.  I hope in the big picture, in the long run, they are able to see this.  I know I have told others, that part of the reason why I would like to have a male friend involved in their lives while they are still the age they are, is to give them a positive, loving, caring male role model.  My parents were not perfect, no parents are...but I do wish I could provide for them what at this point I can't.  A home with a mother and father or bonus father for that matter some day.  I am not trying to race out there and find a man...but I am looking at options instead of refusing to open new doors.  I am trying to take things slower this time, for my kids sake, but even if today wasn't the right choice, which I still don't know, it wasn't the worse choice I could have made.  So they met one of mom's friends.  It was done appropriately and they all had a great day.  I guess I can't keep beating myself up over that.  Well, obviously I can, but it wont' do me any good.

As the next week and a half will be a challenge for the kids to transition back to school, I have to remind myself it is a good thing.  With a new season, it will also bring new positive memories, new friends and new relationships for all of us.  None of which are a bad thing.

I have made it through a rough couple of weeks emotionally and I suppose I need to cut myself some slack.  It's hard to keep an upbeat, everything okays and life is good attitude for my kids during the summer, while I was also dealing with challenging news from past neighbors, police and more.  I don't see anything else I can do right now to help with that situation, other than not to let that stress ruin the time I have with my children.  I have spoken with and will continue to keep Child Protective Services informed, but past that, sadly, there really is not much I can do.  It's just as life was in the fall of 2007 when my divorce began.  I have to keep my head up and focus on the blessing I have.  Know that God has good things in store for me, once I make it through the stormy patches in life.

Okay, enough rambling for this evening.  The tears have now dried up, I have convinced myself I don't yet qualify for the worst mother award and will try again tomorrow.  I have to remind myself I don't have to make each day a special event when I do have my kids.  Just spending time together is all they truly care about.  Even if the calendar of summer is winding down, they have, we have had a fun filled summer and there is no need to pack in the last week or so with extra plans.  Less running and more relaxing is probably what we all need right now.

Thanks for listening/reading.