Adrenaline

Adrenaline....that emotion that keeps your body racing, your mind pulsing, it keeps you from sitting still or saying home on a Friday night.

It was adrenaline that kept my mind racing as I drove away, the second time from my old house last night.  As usually is the case lately, I drove up to my old house, to drop off my children at their Dad's, to see all windows closed, blinds shut and the garage door open to display too cars, the sign that the kids can enter through the garage.  I have no clue if he ever really is...home, sober, alive...I just say goodbye as they hop out of the minivan and head into the garage, into the unlocked house.  There is also a red pick-up truck tonight, idling in the third car driveway space with a man seated inside.  I became even more uncomfortable as I backed up, after the latest earful this week as to what's been happening at this place.  I looked at his license plate number and as I made it down the hill to the stop sign, I entered it into my cell phone notes, along with a description of the guy in it.  As I looked up, I saw the wife of my ex's best friend, who lives across the street driving up the hill and waving to me with a partial smile.  I continue for about two more blocks when the adrenaline kicks in.  I turn around and as my heart begins beating stronger, I head back up the hill.  In my mind, I think back to the meeting with the women from Child Protective Services this week, her comment that I have every right that I know I am leaving my children in a safe environment when I have to leave them at their Dad's.  Right now, I was headed back to make that clear.

As the house came into site again, I first saw the truck still there and moments later the kids on their bikes, no helmets, driving around in the road.  As they spotted me, they drove back into the driveway, questioning me as I unrolled my window, "Mom, what are you doing back here?!"  I explained that I wanted to make sure Daddy was home before I left.  I then asked if they had seen him and before too long he appeared from the garage,with a what-is-going-on look.  I told him I was making sure he was home.  He responded, of course I am home, I never leave the kids alone.  I cut him off looking directly in his eyes, declaring, "We both know that's not true.  I also don't want my children left alone with guys who have criminal records anymore.  Or even around them for that matter."

What?  He began the look that I was crazy and I continued on, "I know you have left the kids alone with Motorcycle G."...he interpreted, yah when I ran down to the store and back quick..."No, I am well aware he's been home alone with our son while you and our daughter spent hours at the bar.  I have heard from people on the street that they are concerned about our kids here and I am too.  Z. who comes here when the kids are here...who just received his fifth DWI.. (he interrupts that he only goes to his place to work on computers, never here)...then there was last Thursday when you had our kids go on a nine mile bike ride with B. who isn't even allowed to see his own four kids!"

He quickly jumped in that they weren't alone with him, that the two neighbor boys went with.  I said, yes, but their mom was so concerned when she knew who they were with that she went and picked them up on the trail.  He replied back, no she went because our daughter's bike pedal was broken, why, like you ever talked her her anyway.  Yes, I did, I replied, I talked to her and many others on this street.  I have no control over who you hang out with or what you do when you don't have our children, but when they are here, I have the right to know they are safe.  "YOU spoke with her?" he began in shock, then he said, "I get it now, so that's what this is all about."  I said again that there are many people on this street I am hearing from/about concerned.  I then questioned my daughter if she has a bike helmet to wear if she's biking in the street.  She went to go get it excitedly to show me as he jumped in with an of course she does.  With that I said goodbye to my daughter (after she had her helmet on)...and my son and drove off.  So filled with adrenaline, not knowing where to drive or what to do now.

As my mind was racing in all different directions, I drove home and decided I had to find the number that I had been sent via an email, to let the mother across the street from my ex's know that her name came up.  But to let her know that I had only said that I had spoken to her, about the bike ride.  I did call, she didn't answer, but at least I left a message, letting her know what I had said and letting her know I didn't say anything more.  As I know my ex and how he will say all sorts of things to either scare her or try and get her to say more, pretending I said more.  I then called my good friend, who I thought had left for a last minute getaway before school starts, but didn't know for sure.  She was out of town but we did speak briefly.  Which I so appreciated, as my other close friend who knows about all of this was now gone camping out of town.  I couldn't keep my mind from spinning, racing, did I do something wrong, did I say something I shouldn't have...I explained to my friend what I did and her response...I am so proud of you, way to go.  She said I got the message across that he can't scare me, that I am strong and don't need to hide behind Child Protective Services, that I am not putting up with any of this.  She agreed that leaving the phone message was a wise idea and that reality is, there isn't anything else I can do.

She got back to her getaway and I sat down, scanning through Facebook and trying to decide what on earth am I going to do now.  I can sit still, stay here...would my ex send someone after me?  Would what I did make him more upset with me, he already has said he wants me dead.  What more can I do.  At the same time, I had in writing, via an email earlier today, that I can have the kids this Wednesday night, so I can take them to their first day of school.  After two days ago saying no, that he wasn't about to do me any favors with all that I am doing to him.  I'll take what I can get.  Yes, that same message this morning also said that he didn't know about splitting up Labor Day Weekend, that he'd have to wait to talk to the Child Protective Services women that contacted him to find out why I am trying to take his kids away from him for good to let me know.  Which I never said a word of.

What did happen Tuesday morning?  The women returned, as she had spoken with each of my children individually and now needed to go through questions for a good hour, with me.  I explained that it's not that I don't want my children to see their dad, is it that I am hearing from person after person, including police officers, that it is not safe for my children over there.  I want him to get help, so that he can have a relationship with them.  I don't want them to be left alone anymore for hours at a time...to spend hours on end at the local two small town bars, or to be left alone with men that I dont' know and apparently quite a few have criminal records.  I don't want them to even be around my children while my children are there.  I am concerned how often he is either on drugs or drunk/drinking while they are there, and based on more and more comments and details I have heard from neighbors, about the people who are stopping buy to pick things up, which apparently sounds like the drug Meth among others.  This week I sadly learned that at least three know Meth users have been stopping by and then leaving frequently...not to mention others.  One who pulled up, laid on the horn until he came out with something and then left.  Apparently my ex has now lost his chest hair, has scabs on his arms from scratching and I was told from the person who shared this that he showing lots of detailed symptoms of Meth users. 

What do you do when you should up with your kids to swim at the town pool and hear all of this, plus more?  What do you do when they say they know they are not getting feed at their Dad's so they try to help out, but at the same time don't want their Dad to think that they'll always feed my kids.  I just listen and ask again and again to please REPORT this behavior, the people stopping, the other things I was hearing.  I gave the card from Child Services, I gave my cell and said the next time the kids are home alone, PLEASE just call me and I can get them.  She took it but didnt' know.  She said she thinks the police are waiting until they can catch him in the act of selling or something.  I just wish she and the others would report something, anything!

At least I know they will have dinner, a good night's sleep (or as good as they can get the night before a new school year) and a healthy breakfast on their first day of school now.  I'll take anything I can get at this point.

As for the rest of my life.  I don't know what on earth happened to the new guy in my life.  Everything was fine Monday night, Tuesday night we texted and he was saying how much he was stressed about the next three days of inventory at his job and was looking forward to seeing me this weekend.  Then, Wednesday, Thursday and today...not a word, not a text, not a call.  I don't know what happened or what to think.  I spoke with my sister this evening and said it just doesn't make any sense.  I am hoping to know more soon.  He has movies here he brought over, a favorite sweatshirt I had worn home...I am just waiting on that one, with literally no clue what the rest of my weekend will bring.