Joy.

Over the past few years I have been on quest for finding joy.  Prior to that, it was for happiness.  I think I read almost every book on the market on how to be happy for awhile there.  Then, I discovered that happiness if fleeting...it comes from something.  Joy, on the other hand is something that comes from within.  You don't need to have, see or do anything to obtain joy.  You can't buy it, it is free for those who desire it.  It is a gift from God. 

As our Pastor was preaching on the topic of joy today, he brought to question what we really know about joy.  He brought up the point that some people don't feel they should be filled with joy with all the hurt, suffering, pain, destruction, war, etc. going on in the world.  I don't remember the exact words, but I do remember him explaining how God has given us joy to help us through the hard times.  That with joy, we know that God is there through the struggles and will bring us through them to feel an even deeper understanding of this joy. 

Ten years ago, my first Mother's Day, my daughter turned three months old and we celebrated her baptism.  A day filled with so much joy for so many reasons.  But today, seeing my daughter sing in front of church, my son hugging me from the seat beside me, was entirely deeper, stronger, intense form of joy I experienced.  I believe it is true that the struggles, the hardships, the challenges in our lives, we grow stronger living through them and appreciate the good days even more.

Two days ago, our beagle passed away.  As I held her furry, soft body one last time in the vet hospital, I said a prayer of thanks so God for bring her to me, for the joy she has brought to my life over the past 12 1/2 years.  She was my first dog, brought home at 8 weeks old from the retired teacher's farm in a town nearby.  She was there for the birth of my daughter, my son, through the divorce, she held strong, loyal and full of love.  Then, we brought home, adopted our second dog, who passed away only two months ago.  They became friends, brother and sister, big dog and little dog.  I realized, after my children left the exam room with my parents and I was left alone with her one last time, my children haven't know life without her.  She was truly a gift of joy in my life.  As my son said, there at the vet, "At least she can see Jake again and play with him in heaven now."

Life is not easy, know one ever said it would be.  Thursday morning, I had to spend the morning going through a court ordered co-parenting class required by the state (since it had been more than three years since I had sat through it), as we are back in the Case Study Program.  This coming Friday I have to meet our new GAL (Guardian at Litem) and explain once again, the story of my current life/situation of my ex husband and kids.  The Court Commissioner ruled that I have full placement and that my ex husband has a three hour supervised visit once a week, although we have yet to find anyone willing to be the supervisor so that has yet to begin.  We are also to go under investigation of a GAL to determine if more time is to be allowed.  As expected, the next day papers were filed to go back to court under the judge, a "de Nuvo" hearing as my ex disagreed with the ruling.  Now, on June 5th, we go through this all again, proving once again that it is not a safe environment for my children to enter.  I am not looking forward to this Friday, or the 5th of June.

Wednesday afternoon, I pushed through my backyard's extra high grass, with the engine killing twice, as the grass had just grown too tall for the mower to handle.  As I was facing the last section of the yard, I discovered that a wheel was broke, yet pushed on through, knowing it would be the only time I had this week to get this done.  Some days you just have to push on through, with a three wheeled mower, or an evening when you have to put down your dog and say that last I love you.

Pushing through these times, surviving those moments of sadness, anger, frustration, I am able to do it with the help of God.  Each night when I share a few moments one on one with each of my children, we thank God for the day, for our family, friends, pets, we ask for help if we have friends that are in need and thank him for the great events that day or week, we ask him to help us stay healthy and safe and to have a great day tomorrow.  Some day it's longer than others, each day though, I am reminded, that despite all the challenges that have seemed to come my way, I am still incredibly blessed.

This morning, when I walked into our church, I was greeted by a hug, then another, and another.  By the time my parents (visiting our church to see my daughter sing for Mother's Day), children and I walked out, I think I was so filled with joy I was about to burst.  I was reminded with hugs, kind words, smiles and chats with children, that I am beyond blessed.  I have an incredible family, support system not only within the walls of the church, but through kind messages and thoughts on Facebook, emails, and texts. 

In the past ten years, since my first Mother's Day, I have learned more about life than I could possibly type about in a blog entry, but most importantly I have learned how to have faith in God, to know that he is always there as my rock, to bring me through the hard times and to give me hugs through others on this earth along the way.