Faith and The Wave

Sunday nights, they still get me.  Even when the children have no school, as we begin summer vacation tomorrow.  Maybe it's the teacher in me, knowing a new week will begin tomorrow, regardless of how I'm spending it.  No matter how exhausted I am, the adrenalin kicks in on a Sunday night, after the kids are in bed, the news is done.  Tonight I found myself productive at least, researching websites to see what programs on Art Ministries for children exists out there in the world.  I also stepped back into my past and reread the Wisconsin's Art Education Standards and Curriculum.  Yes, that's me, researching all my bases for setting up my program, before designing my brochure.  On top of that, catching up on the original season of Grey's Antonym that plays at 11:30 on Sunday nights.  The ending Meredith Grey quote tonight just seamed a little too fitting for me today...

“At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. It's like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And it's not so important happy ever after, just that its happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you , and once in a while people may even take your breath away.”

Yes, faith is a funny thing.   A year ago I was applying to teaching jobs, this year I have a stronger sense of faith that there is something else out there I am meant to be doing.  No doubt working with children and teaching in some capacity, but I am blessed with a job that has flexible hours, that I can minister to children of all ages through teaching at a Christian Preschool two days a week, connect with parents of birth through preschool families through play groups as well as spend one night a week during the school year working with K-5 children and their families.  On top of this, I can be there to co-lead Girl Scouts, Cub Scouts and go on an occasional field trip with my children.  I can direct summer camps, yet still run my children to basketball and cheer leading, or watch coach pitch or gymnastics.  I am blessed in so many ways. Maybe I can't relate with the last line in the quote above, as I don't have the person in my life to take my breathe away right now, but if I live on faith, not by sight, I do believe when the time is right he will appear.  After attending the first grown-up movie since January, last night, The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel Ever, I was reminded not only that we all are fighting battles in our own lives, but it doesn't matter your age, there is always hope and a reason to be optimistic about tomorrow.  As was quoted many times throughout the movie, so much so that a women behind me told her friend she has to start using that one as the movie concluded, "Everything will be alright in the end...if it's not alright, it's not the end!"  I told something similar to my lawyer a couple weeks ago when I last met with him.  We were leaving his office and I joked to him about writing a book about all this someday...to which he replied, "If you do, make sure you let me write the forward!"  I told him he'd better watch what he says, as I may just take him up on that...that I have been journaling throughout this process and friends have suggested I create a book...only I can't do it yet, as I have chapters ahead of me that are not yet written.  I sat in my Pastor's office about a month ago, questioning out loud if I was doing the right thing, staying here even though I know I could be applying to go back into the teaching world, which would help me make ends meet better...but as I continued, I explained that I still feel that it's not the right time, that if I go back now, I'd be giving up on starting up art classes, on creating more of my own art, or the idea of writing a book.  A year ago, when I said those goals or dreams of mine out loud, I felt silly, childish, like a dreamer that needed to wake up to reality.  I am a single mom, with bills to pay, I shouldn't be thinking of my own dreams in that way right now.  But this year, it felt different.  The path life has taken me on, I feel like there is more I should be doing, but just haven't put my finger on exactly what it is.  I told my pastor, as he knows, I have been reading and researching about the concept of the Holy Spirit this past year and am trying to pray to God, trust in his plan for me from here, but I just can't quite see it yet.  His response was a story of when a man was waiting for an answer from God and claiming he couldn't see it, when God had it all right there in front of him, he just needed to take the first step and begin...okay, I admit it's 1:00 in the morning here and I know I left something out of that, but the point was, he said I need to take the first step, to try something and see how it goes.  So that is what I am doing. That day, in the lawyers office, I also began to hopefully see some light in justice system.  I was coming in to prepare for another long and undesired De Novo hearing to determine if I still would have full placement of my children for now.  I found out that the lawyer had spoken to the GAL and that as of the night before, neither of them thought there was a need for the trail as he already agreed that thing should stay as the Court Commissioner stated for now, the only part that I wasn't prepared to hear is that I had to pick one of my ex's three choices for the supervisor to be present for placements.  I did, with a list that my lawyer and I came up with of expectations for the visits and a few days later I heard there would be no trail.  Still, I heard nothing about him having a visit until the last day of school.  Ironically, I didn't have anything planned that night, as we had plans the next night, on Friday to celebrate...and before I knew it, I was taking me kids for their first three hour supervised visit.  The kids were, of course, excited to see their dad, as they hadn't since January.  Myself, I was happy that they were able to see that he was okay, yet had nervous feelings as to what comes next.  Things went well for the visit and the GAL had seemed extremely grateful for both the short notice and my flexibility with everything.  He said he really wanted them to have had a visit before they meet with him this coming week.  Yes, as a part of this upcoming week of summer, means I have to take my children to the court house to have them each interviewed one on one with the GAL and Case Study worker.  I am not worried what will happen, just wish they didn't have to do this.  At least it will be done with.  Then, I meet again with them both, without my children in July before a final placement document is drawn up.  Again, I don't have much faith in the legal system after how the past almost five years now have went, but I am taking it day by day.  As it's all I can do. One more quote from the movie last night, "India hits you like a wave. If you resist, you will be knocked down. But it you dive into it, you will be all right." Yes, I guess the pass year or few years have definitely hit me like a wave, but I have learned to float along in it and I am hoping the shore is in the not too distance future.