A month

I woke up this morning to the sound of my daughter running to the bathroom, throwing up.  It was 5:30 AM, an hour before my alarm, not that it mattered anymore.  Welcome to Monday morning, another day, way you are reminded that you are not always in control of how it turns out.  Before long my son was up, not feeling good either.  His forehead was on fire and I know he was really tired, not hungry last night at dinner time.  So after realizing I really need a new thermometer, it read at 96.something, I called into both of their schools, letting them know they would not be coming in.  Once everyone was set for awhile and we had TV on entertaining the kids for the moment, I found myself falling asleep on my chair, until my daughter woke me to say my cell phone was going off.  I had missed the call, but soon went to another room to call my lawyer back.

When I sat down deciding whether or not to type tonight, I was curled up with my puppy, realizing it was exactly a month ago we rescued/adopted her, March 31.  Amazing what can happen in a month.  When I logged into my blog, I realized it had been over a month since I last posted.  Amazing what all has happened since that time.

After a week or two of morning the loss of my Jakie dog and watching my lathargic and possibly depressed almost 13 year old beagle, I found myself searching Humane Society and similar sights.  One, entitled Petfinder, had a program with questions about your home and family and I was curious what breed they would recommend for us.  Sure enough, after a few nights of searching, I came across the puppy we have now.  It was quite a surprise, to see the exact mix, golden retriever/husky mix, that our Jake was.  Here a litter of puppies, just under three months old were surrendered and were in need of homes.  I felt it was a sign, as the one reminded me of Jake.  We went through the application process and sure enough the first Saturday of Spring Break, we welcomed Ginger to our family.  The kids were in heaven, as I had realized they really had never been around a puppy.  Our beagle was a puppy a few years before they were born and Jake was a rescue at the start of my divorce almost 5 years ago and was already 6 at that time.  He had been there for me through so many rough times and there is no way he would be replaced...but then I got to thinking, as my parents questioned the puppy, yes, I realized this new dog would be a part of our family for the next 10 plus years...and realized that is exactly what I wanted.  It would be there through all the school years of my son and most of my daughters.  Even more importantly, I came to realize I was able to confidently go forward making decisions for our family, the three of us for one of the first times in my life.  For so long I didn't want to make any decisions as I was planning to meet and marry someone soon and then my life, family, future would begin.  Over the past few months I have grown strong and more confident that the kids and I, we are family.  Taking in a comment during one of my rough mornings as I went to work and my ex husband was in jail or about to enter it, I mentioned to a co-worker please remind me how good life is in five years, after I survived this.  She made a comment I hadn't expected, saying that I shouldn't view this time as that awful and be looking forward to being happy one day...that I have so many good things going on right now...again I don't remember the exact words but it apparently was a concept I needed to be reminded of.

I have been trying to look at things positively, the children are doing extremely well at school, socially with friends, involved in activities and are just all already happy, healthy, caring children.  I am so proud of them and all they are becoming.  We have a home, a kitten and now a puppy as well as our Sadie who is still hanging in there with us.  It many not have been the family I had imagined having growing up, but we are making it work and filled with so much love.

Putting all that aside, yes, there still is that underlieing stress of my ex-husband.  He got out of jail, sent a few texts about seeing the children and yet I stayed strong and listened to the advice of my lawyer to not respond.  We had a court date set at the beginning of April...two weeks, I just had to hang in there two weeks...which then got rescheduled and then again.  Along with the rescheduling was a serving of papers to find me in contempt of court for not allowing my ex to have placement as written in the MSA...along with that were a list of other items, which were almost all lies that I had emails or texts to support in court.  Not to say I wasn't stresssed, concerned, upset when each of these events happened, but I knew it was out of my control. 

For awhile I didn't want to blog because things were going amazinly well.  My son, especially, was doing so well with consistancy of staying here all the time.  We could plan things, it felt amazing to be living a somewhat normal life.  When I hit two weeks of not receiving any texts or emails from him, I realized it was the first time, ever, since we had kids that I felt this feeling of peace.  As I typed now it's been a month and still, I don't want to "jenx" things as people say, but things at home have really been good.  Last week, though, was a rough one.  Monday I spent a good hour preping with my lawyer for court and on Wednesday we appeared.  I told many friends I would blog that night to update on how it went.

Honestly, as I emailed or called a couple friends and told them, I had no idea how it went.  My lawyer had warned me that Monday that the Court Commissioner we'd be see was a 'lose cannon'...that you never know what she's going to do or how she's going to rule.  I certainly didn't feel confident knowing that or not having a word from my ex for the past month.  For awhile I was checking on CCAP to see if he had been arrested again or if something had happened to him.  Then, one of my closest friends had pointed out, so that I would be prepared on Wednesday if it was the case, that maybe he really did go to a treatment center and get help...to be prepared to see him all cleaned up and looking sharp for court.  I was becoming very nervous the day before, explaining to co-workers that even though it may seem obvious, black-and-white to them, that I have been through this court system before and I don't have faith in it.  Yet, I had and have faith in God.  I continued to pray each night and went in to work to teach one class of music, singing songs of praise to God with one group of Preschoolers before I headed to the court house Wednesday morning.  I knew it was all in God's hands...as it always is...

It was rainy, dreary and I dreaded the climb once again up those courthouse stairs not having a clue what this battle would entail.  I got there early, with a Starbuck Chai Tea in my hand and sat down in the hallway outside our room.  I tried to read the book I had brought with, but had troubles focusing, especially when my ex-husband and his lawyer walked by.  They went into a conference room to prep for the trail, to which I could hear comments at times but tried to block them out so that I would stay strong.  A few mintues before our time to enter the court room, my lawyer arrived and from there it was a whirlwind.  We began in one room and after a good half hour, the court commissioner said she had until 2 (almost two more hours) so we went to another room to continue.  At that time, both of the laywers commented to each other on the way that it was such a waste of time, as if I didn't get the ruling I wanted, we would file papers to take the hearing to the judge and vice versa.  So why did we have to continue, part of me wondered, but we did. I had to take the stand first and was quite proud of how calm and in control of my emotions I was able to remain this time.  What I won't forget, is when the Court Commissioner looked me in the eye, asking if my ex husband drank while we were still married, to which I responded yes.  Then, she asked if I felt he had a drinking problem back then, again a yes.  Did I tell anyone about this during my divorce, she continued by asking...well yes, I told the G.A.L., the Case Study Worker, my lawyer, I stated it under oath and have copies at home of all of those documents if she needed them.  She tell looked me square in the eye and asked, "Then why on earth did you agree to this placement arrangement back in 2009 to let me have the kids 30% off the time?"  To which I honestly said, "Because I was told I had to.  After hours of mediation my lawyer said take it, it's the best you are going to get!"  To which my new/current lawyer chimmed in from his seat, "For the record, I was not her lawyer at that time."

When my ex husband took the stand he lied, lied, got caught in lie after lie and just continued on and on until a point he was crying.  He had not received any treatment yet but planned to meet with a counselor one on one for a month.  He said he never had other men living at his home, yet said there are currently two there...he said he was aware that police are watching his house, but claimed it was because I was calling the police daily as I didn't work, had all this time and nothing better to do...it was exhausting as the almost two and a half hours was coming to a close and the Court Commissioners response to us was, "I am not going to tell you my decision today.  I am going to mail it to you."  Wow.  Didn't expect that to happen.  Then, my ex still crying, questioned but when do I get to see my children?  To which the Court Commissioner brought up us finding a third party for supervised visits, which made my ex's eyes pop out, as he objected all confused, what?  Why on earth would I need to be supervised...that was my only sign of hope from the Court Commissioner that day.  She had made a closing comment regarding the fact that I was okay with allowing my children to go with him in 2009 and questioned if behavior was so bad back then, what has changed now.  Not a point where I was allowed to speak, but if I could have I sure would have.  I really didn't know what she was going to say in her letter.  I just knew I was exhausted, mentally, emtionally, I wanted to get to my minivan, to start driving home...to which I realized I had friends, family, all waiting to her what happened.  What do I say?  Well, I simply posted on facebook, WOW.  The next morning when I came into work, I guess it was obvious how exhausted I still was when one co-worker said, it's like you ran a marathon and got hit by a truck.  That is certainly how I felt as I knew Friday in the mail, I was both excited and scared to read what the letter would say.

Friday came and there was no letter.  It was today, when I called back to my lawyer's office that he said, "Well, Lisa, were you happy with the ruling?!"  I responded quite confused, stating that I hadn't seen it yet and have been quite worried.  He then realized that it was sent out only to the lawyers and he would get a copy of it in the mail today, so that I'll receive it in the mail tomorrow.  He said they ruled in our favor, that I have full placement with only a three hour supervised visit a week for my ex, with a supervisor that I agree to.  With two sick children in the other room and myself not having much energy at that moment I was still in a bit of shock I guess.  He said she saw through all his lies and well, he'd get this right out to me.  He also said that my ex's lawyer has already filed against the ruling and are planning to take this up infront of the judge, but he didn't go into any details on that and I didn't see any dates set yet when I looked on my computer later today. 

I was off the phone in minutes and I don't really think it sunk in as I came back out to the familyroom to check on the kids.  I did post on Facebook that I heard from my lawyer and what he said and was surprised at all the comments and postings of support and prayers answered, and hooray for justice finally...only it doesn't feel real yet.  Maybe it's because I've been so tired and felt a bit under the weather today too.  Maybe it's because I don't have the actual legal documents in my hands yet to read, or knowing that we still have to go back to court at some point.  But I guess I did win at least one part of this battle today.  I made progress.  I was finally heard by someone.  I am a bit curious to read what the papers say tomorrow and go from there.  I guess a part of me didn't get my hopes up as I never know what will happen in this legal world of ours.

For tonight, I am glad both of my kids are feeling better, looking forward to going back to school tomorrow.  Glad that I have two wonderful children and three wonderful furry children and so many amazing friends supporting me in my life.  I thank God for his continued watching over me and my children as well.  I guess tomorrow is a new month, perhaps a more optomistic one at that.  I will be in touch with an update again soon.  God's peace.